Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 7 - Do You Believe in Magic? - full transcript
After being conned out of $10 by Mike, Carol and Ben, along with the help of Jason and Maggie, hatch an elaborate scheme to recoup their money.
Baby Ooh, ba-ba-baby
Dad.
Mike, you promised me you'd be
studying for your speech-class exam.
- I am.
- Well, start over.
I don't get it. I was
wearing headphones.
Study, Mike.
All right!
Hello?
Hey, Boner, my
man. How you doing?
Yeah, I could use a
study break. Whew.
Um... Yeah, yeah, the
arcade sounds great.
Wait a second, I'm broke. Do
you think you could lend me like...?
All right, all right, I'll pay you
back for that and for this, okay?
- Oh. Hold on a second. Oh, Carol...
- Not a dime.
Boner, I don't know.
Hold on a minute.
- Oh, Benny, my man.
- Not a chance, Mike.
Bone, this could take a couple
of seconds. You wanna hold?
Okay. Don't go away.
No problem. I'll
wait right here.
Ben, my little compadre.
Huh?
Ben, you know, when you look at
me suspiciously like that, it hurts.
Good.
Ben, come on. I mean, we're brothers.
You know, this is our time to bond.
Before you know it, you'll
be a grown man and...
You'll be in prison.
All right, okay, fine.
If you don't wanna
see this card trick...
that you could use to win big
money off your trusting little friends...
- How much money?
- Plenty.
Get the cards.
I thought Dad said you weren't supposed
to be playing cards with Ben anymore.
Hey, we're bonding.
Okay, pick a card, any
card and I'll tell you what it is.
And I'll bet, say,
a dollar on it.
Okay, all right, you
don't have to bet a dollar.
Let's make it a pretend dollar.
It's the queen of spades.
Seven of diamonds. CAROL: Ha!
Gosh, why did I mess
up? Here, let me try it again.
The ace of hearts?
- Nine of diamonds.
- You owe him $2.
Pretend dollars.
Gosh, why isn't this working?
I bet my allowance.
Four dollars. Real dollars.
Ben, it's really sleazy of you to
take advantage of me like this.
Five dollars more.
Hey, come on, guys.
And another buck.
Okay, what is it?
Jack of diamonds.
Thank you very much.
I'm only 10. What's your excuse?
Hello? Mikey, are you there?
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
Ben? Is that you?
Mike? Are you still studying?
Yo, Dad, I'm on it.
Eat this.
Look, you're
skating on thin ice.
I just went down to the
arcade for a half an hour...
after Boner calls me and
he doesn't even show up.
Mike.
Boner? BONER: Mike.
Hello?
Boner, I was just down at
the arcade for a half an hour.
Where you been?
Oh.
Bone, why didn't you just call and
tell me you were waiting on the phone?
Mike, no wasting time.
You're supposed to be
working on that speech.
Gotta go, Bone.
So have you settled on a topic?
Well, it's a little early, Dad.
Well, what are your choices?
Uh, Dad, you know how you always
said you never wanted to push me?
Well, you're pushing me.
Did you tell Dad about all
the money you stole from us?
What?
Uh, no, she doesn't know
what she's talking about.
Just between you and
me, I'm worried about her.
Did you spend all that
money at the arcade?
Ben, of course, has
several cylinders misfiring.
You were down at the
arcade playing video games?
Uh, that's a very
complicated question, Dad.
Try me.
I was definitely not
playing video games.
But you were there.
For a very short time.
- With my money.
- And mine.
- I won it.
- You stole it.
From a little kid too.
Hey, whose idea was it to bet?
Dad, look, I tried to talk them out of
it. I mean, all I wanted to do was study.
So you conned your
own family out of money?
Well, I wouldn't put
it exactly that way.
Mike, when are you gonna learn
that conning people will only hurt you?
- Oh, please.
- Mike, I'm talking about your future here.
You know that nine out of 10 con
men end up running circus sideshows?
I want something better
for you than hanging out...
with bearded ladies
and Renaldo the dog boy.
Okay, my topic is
Indecent Exposure.
It's interesting to note that
in some places in the world...
the only part of the female body that
by law must be covered is the face.
If you've been to a
convenience store lately...
you can clearly see
where that law comes from.
Nah.
- Mom, what are you doing home early?
- I need an insurance form.
My tooth is killing me.
Look. Look what I got.
- What, Ben?
- This.
Oh, boy, a rock.
It's not just a rock.
It's a magic rock.
Aw, that's nice, honey.
Yeah, Vinnie Babotz sold
it to me for only 5 bucks.
Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben.
What, what, what?
Ben, honey, you're so trusting.
That's a bad thing?
Not from where I sit.
You've gotta stop
being an easy mark...
for every two-bit con
man in the neighborhood.
No offense, Mike.
But, Mom, this is a magic
rock. It can do anything.
Ben, think. If Vinnie
really had a magic
rock, why would he
sell it to you for 5 bucks?
He said he liked me.
As soon as I get
back from the dentist...
I'm calling Mrs. Babotz and
getting your ma-money back.
Where is that stupid form?
Let Mom find her stupid form.
- Let Mom find her stupid form.
- Oh, brother.
Ben, please. I'm in pain here.
Stop Mom's pain.
Stop Mom's pain.
Ben. Please.
Tsk. Great.
Oh, here it is.
What?
The form.
Like I said, the rock is magic.
Oh, Ben, it's just
a coincidence.
- How's your tooth?
- Well, it's...
Fine.
If that rock's
magic, I'm a gorilla.
That can be arranged.
No, I couldn't believe it.
Not one cavity. The
x-rays showed nothing.
- My tooth is in perfect condition.
- Of course.
I think we've heard quite
enough about magic rocks.
But Vinnie Babotz got the rock
from the old MacGregor sisters.
Everybody knows they're witches.
The magic rock didn't help
their teeth. They don't have any.
We know it's important
to believe in something.
But believing in something
that isn't real can let you down.
But it cured Mom's toothache.
- It did stop hurting.
- Don't you start.
I did find the insurance form,
stuck to the bottom of the drawer.
Maggie, insurance forms are
always stuck to the bottoms of drawers.
Where have you been?
Dad, without magic, how do
you explain the miracle of life?
The mystery and the
wonder of the universe.
The imagination of a child.
Wayne Newton's entire career.
Must you take cheap shots at the
man who brought us "Danke Schoen"?
What about all those guys on TV
who cure you if you send them money?
My heroes.
But the point is, Ben, if there were
any such thing as magic rocks...
that the only place you could
find them would be California.
In fact, I'm sure that people out
there are just tripping over them.
Well, maybe your magic rock
can finish the laundry for me.
- Honey.
- A mother can dream.
I've gotta hit the books.
Mike, books are those square
paper things that frighten you.
Speaking of books, Mike...
Uh, I know it's a school night,
but I have to go to Boner's...
and check research
for my speech.
- Sure, Mike.
- But, Dad, I... Sure?
Yeah, you can go just as
soon as you clean up your room.
Ahh. Dad, I thought
my room was my space.
Your space smells.
Oh.
Perfect.
Mike, you call that clean?
How does he do that?
Hey, Mike, I'll clean
your room for a buck.
All right. You're on.
Thanks, Benny.
Magic rock, clean Mike's room.
- Magic...
- No, no, no. Ben, Ben.
You gotta clean my
room for real, okay?
It's already clean.
See for yourself.
Give me my dollar.
Ben, you can't cl...
Hey, Ben. Ben, we gotta talk.
He's hooked.
You can't have it.
You can't touch it.
- It's mine.
- Come on, Benny.
Have I ever told you how
much I hate being called Benny?
Yes, many times, and I'm
just now getting the message.
- Good.
- Look, Ben, what's your hurry?
I gotta go. I have many
miracles to perform.
- Okay, one quick thought here...
- Back.
All right, all right, don't
point that thing at me.
Shh, shh.
- He bought it?
- Oh, yeah. He sure did.
Boy, you psychiatrists sure
know how to run a scam.
Thank you.
What an easy mark. He was
ripe for the plucking. Ha-ha-ha.
Our purpose here is to teach
Mike how it feels like to be conned...
and to get back the 10 bucks
he took from you and Ben.
You're right, of course.
- What a sucker.
- What a pigeon.
I love this.
Yes, you know, we could
sell those magic rocks...
and we could make a fortune.
You could give up the paper,
I could give up my practice.
We could all go from town to
town, fleecing and bilking people.
Then we could get arrested and
we could sell our story to Hollywood.
TV movie of the week, The
Seavers: A Life of Crime.
Farrah Fawcett could play you.
I'd be played by Richard
Chamberlain, of course.
- And in part one, maybe...
- Jason?
Yes?
You have a certain quality
that gets on my nerves.
I just think you guys are
enjoying this a little too much.
Does Molly Ringwald do TV?
Now, stop it.
I'm sure right about now,
Mike is learning his lesson.
Ha, ha. Yeah. Following
Ben around like a little puppy.
Richard Chamberlain.
Now, how much were
you offering again?
Thirty. Five.
Thirty-five dollars, Benny.
What was that?
Benjamin.
Better. Fifty.
- Ben, I don't have 50.
- Yes, you do.
Your birthday money from
Grandma and Grandpa.
It's in your second dresser drawer
under your National Geographics.
Okay, okay, all right.
Hmm. So I'd have the money...
but I'd still have to take
the garbage out every night.
All right, I'll do the
garbage for a month.
And clear the table every night?
Why, you little... terrific kid.
Of course, Mom and Dad could
never know how much you paid me.
No, I'll tell them that
you gave it to me.
No.
Tell them you paid me 10 bucks.
- No more, no less.
- Hey, fine, whatever.
I just need some kind of magic
for my speech class tomorrow.
- So it's a deal, right?
- I'll sleep on it.
The first thing I'm gonna
do is turn him into a snake.
Nah. I'm too late.
Then the doctor washes his hands,
they hose down the room and that's it.
This concludes my speech
on where babies come from.
Any questions?
No, no. That... Whew.
- That was extremely, ahem, thorough.
- Oh, thanks.
However, I can't help but wonder if it
really wouldn't have been more effective...
if you had used the proper names
for the, uh, ahem, parts of the body.
- I thought I did.
- Yeah, heh.
Uh, you may sit.
Uh, Mr. Stabone, please, could
you take your visual aids with you?
Let's just take a
moment here, okay?
And catch our breath.
Great speech, Bone.
Thanks a lot, man. I knew a
third of my grade depended on it.
All right. Well, now,
let's see who's next.
Mike Seaver.
Watch this, Bone.
Great speech. Great
speech. Great speech.
What's your topic?
- Uh, magic.
- Oh, magic. Ha, ha.
Thank goodness.
Ahem. Great
speech. Great speech.
Not yet it isn't.
Magic.
Rock. Ahem.
Uh, magic.
Johnson?
Mike, I'm having a little
trouble following this.
Ah. Magic.
Mike, I think you've overdone
the, uh, pregnant pause.
Not a word, Mr. Stabone.
Look, I can't
fail. I can't fail.
You wanna bet?
Mike, either finish your
speech or take your seat.
Look, you gonna help
me out here or what?
- I've been conned.
- Okay, that's it.
Right, that's it. Con jobs.
- I beg your pardon?
- That's the real title of my speech.
You're gonna love
this, Mrs. Scoffengerio.
Okay, Con Jobs: Friend or Foe.
Now, anybody can be a
victim. You don't believe me?
You all look
pretty intelligent...
but I just made you believe I didn't
know what I was doing up here.
Ha. So foolish.
Hi, Mom. MAGGIE: Hi, honey.
- Hey, Ben, what you got there?
- It's a catcher's mitt.
A Buzzy Babone
autographed model.
Ben, Buzzy Babone's a
bum. He couldn't catch a cold.
- You bought that?
- Yeah.
Where'd you get the money?
Uh-oh.
You were supposed to get your money
and Carol's money back from Mike.
I did.
- Ten dollars?
- Yeah.
- Total?
- No.
- Ben, how much?
- Fifty bucks.
And I think he's
learned his lesson.
Ben. Ben.
Hold it.
You swindled your brother?
We all did.
Here's your cut, Mom, Dad.
Here you go, Carol.
What's this?
Ben, we were trying to teach Mike
a lesson, not con him out of $50.
Fifty bucks? Ha-ha-ha,
what a chump.
Oh. Jason, this idiotic scheme of
yours has gotten way out of hand.
Well, I was just trying to teach
him a simple moral lesson.
I don't know what went wrong.
Boner. Come in.
Where's Mike?
Don't try to hide him.
- What's your problem?
- He took advantage of my innocence.
Pardon me?
Mrs. Seaver, he ripped me off.
He sold me this rock
and told me it was magic.
No. BONER: Yeah.
I almost got killed taking Dead
Man's Curve on my skateboard.
- You didn't.
- I did.
I figured with this rock...
I could boldly go where
no man has gone before.
Boner, it's not a magic rock.
No kidding. And
I'm out 60 bucks too.
It's gone up.
We'll talk to Mike as
soon as he gets home.
So will I.
Jason, let's give
Boner his money back.
Let's everybody give me their
money back. Come on, give me that.
Tsk.
All right, this is, uh... Ben, you've
even cheated us on the split.
Hey, I did most of the work.
Why, you little double-crosser.
What is this, Miami Vice?
Okay, this is $50...
and a genuine autographed
Buzzy Babone mitt.
Hey.
Ooh. He's my favorite
baseball player.
Oh, thanks. You guys are okay.
Oh, and tell Mike that I'm
never speaking to him again.
Aw, never mind. I'll tell him
when I see him tomorrow.
Well?
I am good.
Oh, yes.
Fifty bucks and a
new catcher's mitt.
- You can keep the mitt. You earned it.
- Oh, thanks.
Uh, could I have the rock too?
- What for?
- Oh, I'm sentimental.
- Yeah, here.
- Hey.
Bone, relax. It's worthless.
You think so, huh?
What?
I had this rock in my chemistry class.
Mr. Rimble offered to buy it from me.
- What?
- Yeah, he's a collector.
It's called tourmaline
or something like that.
Very rare. He's gonna
give me 200 bucks for it.
- Bone, this isn't fair.
- I know.
Ain't it great?
Oh, well, fine. But did
it ever occur to you...
when you con somebody,
you always get hurt?
Some people never learn.
All right, that's
lights out, you guys.
I think Mike and Ben
have learned their lesson.
Well, I hope so.
They've learned that
you can't lie to people.
You can't abuse their trust.
You're not gonna get away with it.
People get what's coming
to them in this world.
Coming up on the news,
former President Richard Nixon...
is honored tonight at a
thousand-dollar-a-plate dinner.
Dad.
Mike, you promised me you'd be
studying for your speech-class exam.
- I am.
- Well, start over.
I don't get it. I was
wearing headphones.
Study, Mike.
All right!
Hello?
Hey, Boner, my
man. How you doing?
Yeah, I could use a
study break. Whew.
Um... Yeah, yeah, the
arcade sounds great.
Wait a second, I'm broke. Do
you think you could lend me like...?
All right, all right, I'll pay you
back for that and for this, okay?
- Oh. Hold on a second. Oh, Carol...
- Not a dime.
Boner, I don't know.
Hold on a minute.
- Oh, Benny, my man.
- Not a chance, Mike.
Bone, this could take a couple
of seconds. You wanna hold?
Okay. Don't go away.
No problem. I'll
wait right here.
Ben, my little compadre.
Huh?
Ben, you know, when you look at
me suspiciously like that, it hurts.
Good.
Ben, come on. I mean, we're brothers.
You know, this is our time to bond.
Before you know it, you'll
be a grown man and...
You'll be in prison.
All right, okay, fine.
If you don't wanna
see this card trick...
that you could use to win big
money off your trusting little friends...
- How much money?
- Plenty.
Get the cards.
I thought Dad said you weren't supposed
to be playing cards with Ben anymore.
Hey, we're bonding.
Okay, pick a card, any
card and I'll tell you what it is.
And I'll bet, say,
a dollar on it.
Okay, all right, you
don't have to bet a dollar.
Let's make it a pretend dollar.
It's the queen of spades.
Seven of diamonds. CAROL: Ha!
Gosh, why did I mess
up? Here, let me try it again.
The ace of hearts?
- Nine of diamonds.
- You owe him $2.
Pretend dollars.
Gosh, why isn't this working?
I bet my allowance.
Four dollars. Real dollars.
Ben, it's really sleazy of you to
take advantage of me like this.
Five dollars more.
Hey, come on, guys.
And another buck.
Okay, what is it?
Jack of diamonds.
Thank you very much.
I'm only 10. What's your excuse?
Hello? Mikey, are you there?
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
Ben? Is that you?
Mike? Are you still studying?
Yo, Dad, I'm on it.
Eat this.
Look, you're
skating on thin ice.
I just went down to the
arcade for a half an hour...
after Boner calls me and
he doesn't even show up.
Mike.
Boner? BONER: Mike.
Hello?
Boner, I was just down at
the arcade for a half an hour.
Where you been?
Oh.
Bone, why didn't you just call and
tell me you were waiting on the phone?
Mike, no wasting time.
You're supposed to be
working on that speech.
Gotta go, Bone.
So have you settled on a topic?
Well, it's a little early, Dad.
Well, what are your choices?
Uh, Dad, you know how you always
said you never wanted to push me?
Well, you're pushing me.
Did you tell Dad about all
the money you stole from us?
What?
Uh, no, she doesn't know
what she's talking about.
Just between you and
me, I'm worried about her.
Did you spend all that
money at the arcade?
Ben, of course, has
several cylinders misfiring.
You were down at the
arcade playing video games?
Uh, that's a very
complicated question, Dad.
Try me.
I was definitely not
playing video games.
But you were there.
For a very short time.
- With my money.
- And mine.
- I won it.
- You stole it.
From a little kid too.
Hey, whose idea was it to bet?
Dad, look, I tried to talk them out of
it. I mean, all I wanted to do was study.
So you conned your
own family out of money?
Well, I wouldn't put
it exactly that way.
Mike, when are you gonna learn
that conning people will only hurt you?
- Oh, please.
- Mike, I'm talking about your future here.
You know that nine out of 10 con
men end up running circus sideshows?
I want something better
for you than hanging out...
with bearded ladies
and Renaldo the dog boy.
Okay, my topic is
Indecent Exposure.
It's interesting to note that
in some places in the world...
the only part of the female body that
by law must be covered is the face.
If you've been to a
convenience store lately...
you can clearly see
where that law comes from.
Nah.
- Mom, what are you doing home early?
- I need an insurance form.
My tooth is killing me.
Look. Look what I got.
- What, Ben?
- This.
Oh, boy, a rock.
It's not just a rock.
It's a magic rock.
Aw, that's nice, honey.
Yeah, Vinnie Babotz sold
it to me for only 5 bucks.
Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben.
What, what, what?
Ben, honey, you're so trusting.
That's a bad thing?
Not from where I sit.
You've gotta stop
being an easy mark...
for every two-bit con
man in the neighborhood.
No offense, Mike.
But, Mom, this is a magic
rock. It can do anything.
Ben, think. If Vinnie
really had a magic
rock, why would he
sell it to you for 5 bucks?
He said he liked me.
As soon as I get
back from the dentist...
I'm calling Mrs. Babotz and
getting your ma-money back.
Where is that stupid form?
Let Mom find her stupid form.
- Let Mom find her stupid form.
- Oh, brother.
Ben, please. I'm in pain here.
Stop Mom's pain.
Stop Mom's pain.
Ben. Please.
Tsk. Great.
Oh, here it is.
What?
The form.
Like I said, the rock is magic.
Oh, Ben, it's just
a coincidence.
- How's your tooth?
- Well, it's...
Fine.
If that rock's
magic, I'm a gorilla.
That can be arranged.
No, I couldn't believe it.
Not one cavity. The
x-rays showed nothing.
- My tooth is in perfect condition.
- Of course.
I think we've heard quite
enough about magic rocks.
But Vinnie Babotz got the rock
from the old MacGregor sisters.
Everybody knows they're witches.
The magic rock didn't help
their teeth. They don't have any.
We know it's important
to believe in something.
But believing in something
that isn't real can let you down.
But it cured Mom's toothache.
- It did stop hurting.
- Don't you start.
I did find the insurance form,
stuck to the bottom of the drawer.
Maggie, insurance forms are
always stuck to the bottoms of drawers.
Where have you been?
Dad, without magic, how do
you explain the miracle of life?
The mystery and the
wonder of the universe.
The imagination of a child.
Wayne Newton's entire career.
Must you take cheap shots at the
man who brought us "Danke Schoen"?
What about all those guys on TV
who cure you if you send them money?
My heroes.
But the point is, Ben, if there were
any such thing as magic rocks...
that the only place you could
find them would be California.
In fact, I'm sure that people out
there are just tripping over them.
Well, maybe your magic rock
can finish the laundry for me.
- Honey.
- A mother can dream.
I've gotta hit the books.
Mike, books are those square
paper things that frighten you.
Speaking of books, Mike...
Uh, I know it's a school night,
but I have to go to Boner's...
and check research
for my speech.
- Sure, Mike.
- But, Dad, I... Sure?
Yeah, you can go just as
soon as you clean up your room.
Ahh. Dad, I thought
my room was my space.
Your space smells.
Oh.
Perfect.
Mike, you call that clean?
How does he do that?
Hey, Mike, I'll clean
your room for a buck.
All right. You're on.
Thanks, Benny.
Magic rock, clean Mike's room.
- Magic...
- No, no, no. Ben, Ben.
You gotta clean my
room for real, okay?
It's already clean.
See for yourself.
Give me my dollar.
Ben, you can't cl...
Hey, Ben. Ben, we gotta talk.
He's hooked.
You can't have it.
You can't touch it.
- It's mine.
- Come on, Benny.
Have I ever told you how
much I hate being called Benny?
Yes, many times, and I'm
just now getting the message.
- Good.
- Look, Ben, what's your hurry?
I gotta go. I have many
miracles to perform.
- Okay, one quick thought here...
- Back.
All right, all right, don't
point that thing at me.
Shh, shh.
- He bought it?
- Oh, yeah. He sure did.
Boy, you psychiatrists sure
know how to run a scam.
Thank you.
What an easy mark. He was
ripe for the plucking. Ha-ha-ha.
Our purpose here is to teach
Mike how it feels like to be conned...
and to get back the 10 bucks
he took from you and Ben.
You're right, of course.
- What a sucker.
- What a pigeon.
I love this.
Yes, you know, we could
sell those magic rocks...
and we could make a fortune.
You could give up the paper,
I could give up my practice.
We could all go from town to
town, fleecing and bilking people.
Then we could get arrested and
we could sell our story to Hollywood.
TV movie of the week, The
Seavers: A Life of Crime.
Farrah Fawcett could play you.
I'd be played by Richard
Chamberlain, of course.
- And in part one, maybe...
- Jason?
Yes?
You have a certain quality
that gets on my nerves.
I just think you guys are
enjoying this a little too much.
Does Molly Ringwald do TV?
Now, stop it.
I'm sure right about now,
Mike is learning his lesson.
Ha, ha. Yeah. Following
Ben around like a little puppy.
Richard Chamberlain.
Now, how much were
you offering again?
Thirty. Five.
Thirty-five dollars, Benny.
What was that?
Benjamin.
Better. Fifty.
- Ben, I don't have 50.
- Yes, you do.
Your birthday money from
Grandma and Grandpa.
It's in your second dresser drawer
under your National Geographics.
Okay, okay, all right.
Hmm. So I'd have the money...
but I'd still have to take
the garbage out every night.
All right, I'll do the
garbage for a month.
And clear the table every night?
Why, you little... terrific kid.
Of course, Mom and Dad could
never know how much you paid me.
No, I'll tell them that
you gave it to me.
No.
Tell them you paid me 10 bucks.
- No more, no less.
- Hey, fine, whatever.
I just need some kind of magic
for my speech class tomorrow.
- So it's a deal, right?
- I'll sleep on it.
The first thing I'm gonna
do is turn him into a snake.
Nah. I'm too late.
Then the doctor washes his hands,
they hose down the room and that's it.
This concludes my speech
on where babies come from.
Any questions?
No, no. That... Whew.
- That was extremely, ahem, thorough.
- Oh, thanks.
However, I can't help but wonder if it
really wouldn't have been more effective...
if you had used the proper names
for the, uh, ahem, parts of the body.
- I thought I did.
- Yeah, heh.
Uh, you may sit.
Uh, Mr. Stabone, please, could
you take your visual aids with you?
Let's just take a
moment here, okay?
And catch our breath.
Great speech, Bone.
Thanks a lot, man. I knew a
third of my grade depended on it.
All right. Well, now,
let's see who's next.
Mike Seaver.
Watch this, Bone.
Great speech. Great
speech. Great speech.
What's your topic?
- Uh, magic.
- Oh, magic. Ha, ha.
Thank goodness.
Ahem. Great
speech. Great speech.
Not yet it isn't.
Magic.
Rock. Ahem.
Uh, magic.
Johnson?
Mike, I'm having a little
trouble following this.
Ah. Magic.
Mike, I think you've overdone
the, uh, pregnant pause.
Not a word, Mr. Stabone.
Look, I can't
fail. I can't fail.
You wanna bet?
Mike, either finish your
speech or take your seat.
Look, you gonna help
me out here or what?
- I've been conned.
- Okay, that's it.
Right, that's it. Con jobs.
- I beg your pardon?
- That's the real title of my speech.
You're gonna love
this, Mrs. Scoffengerio.
Okay, Con Jobs: Friend or Foe.
Now, anybody can be a
victim. You don't believe me?
You all look
pretty intelligent...
but I just made you believe I didn't
know what I was doing up here.
Ha. So foolish.
Hi, Mom. MAGGIE: Hi, honey.
- Hey, Ben, what you got there?
- It's a catcher's mitt.
A Buzzy Babone
autographed model.
Ben, Buzzy Babone's a
bum. He couldn't catch a cold.
- You bought that?
- Yeah.
Where'd you get the money?
Uh-oh.
You were supposed to get your money
and Carol's money back from Mike.
I did.
- Ten dollars?
- Yeah.
- Total?
- No.
- Ben, how much?
- Fifty bucks.
And I think he's
learned his lesson.
Ben. Ben.
Hold it.
You swindled your brother?
We all did.
Here's your cut, Mom, Dad.
Here you go, Carol.
What's this?
Ben, we were trying to teach Mike
a lesson, not con him out of $50.
Fifty bucks? Ha-ha-ha,
what a chump.
Oh. Jason, this idiotic scheme of
yours has gotten way out of hand.
Well, I was just trying to teach
him a simple moral lesson.
I don't know what went wrong.
Boner. Come in.
Where's Mike?
Don't try to hide him.
- What's your problem?
- He took advantage of my innocence.
Pardon me?
Mrs. Seaver, he ripped me off.
He sold me this rock
and told me it was magic.
No. BONER: Yeah.
I almost got killed taking Dead
Man's Curve on my skateboard.
- You didn't.
- I did.
I figured with this rock...
I could boldly go where
no man has gone before.
Boner, it's not a magic rock.
No kidding. And
I'm out 60 bucks too.
It's gone up.
We'll talk to Mike as
soon as he gets home.
So will I.
Jason, let's give
Boner his money back.
Let's everybody give me their
money back. Come on, give me that.
Tsk.
All right, this is, uh... Ben, you've
even cheated us on the split.
Hey, I did most of the work.
Why, you little double-crosser.
What is this, Miami Vice?
Okay, this is $50...
and a genuine autographed
Buzzy Babone mitt.
Hey.
Ooh. He's my favorite
baseball player.
Oh, thanks. You guys are okay.
Oh, and tell Mike that I'm
never speaking to him again.
Aw, never mind. I'll tell him
when I see him tomorrow.
Well?
I am good.
Oh, yes.
Fifty bucks and a
new catcher's mitt.
- You can keep the mitt. You earned it.
- Oh, thanks.
Uh, could I have the rock too?
- What for?
- Oh, I'm sentimental.
- Yeah, here.
- Hey.
Bone, relax. It's worthless.
You think so, huh?
What?
I had this rock in my chemistry class.
Mr. Rimble offered to buy it from me.
- What?
- Yeah, he's a collector.
It's called tourmaline
or something like that.
Very rare. He's gonna
give me 200 bucks for it.
- Bone, this isn't fair.
- I know.
Ain't it great?
Oh, well, fine. But did
it ever occur to you...
when you con somebody,
you always get hurt?
Some people never learn.
All right, that's
lights out, you guys.
I think Mike and Ben
have learned their lesson.
Well, I hope so.
They've learned that
you can't lie to people.
You can't abuse their trust.
You're not gonna get away with it.
People get what's coming
to them in this world.
Coming up on the news,
former President Richard Nixon...
is honored tonight at a
thousand-dollar-a-plate dinner.