Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 4 - Call Me - full transcript

Ohh.

Oh, honey, look.

Ben's punishment
letter, and flowers too.

Ben who?

- Wake up.
- Oh, hello, Maggie.

- Hello.
- Good morning.

- Look.
- Aww.

"Dear Mom and Dad, here is
my punishment you wanted.

I hope you like it. Love, Ben."

Ohh.

"I don't know if I spelled
pornography right or not."



- Did he?
- He did.

I was afraid of that.

"Dad, you wanted me to
write all this stuff down...

to tell how we got
to where we are...

and what I think about what
I did and why it's disgusting.

- For me, the trouble started yesterday...
- "Dad, you wanted me to write..."

Oh, sorry. You read it.

"For me, the real trouble started
yesterday when you were paying the bills."

Mom's right, nothing good can happen
when you sit down to pay the bills.

I was trying to make sure I
wasn't around to hear you say...

any of those words you
always say on bill-paying day...

that I'm not supposed to hear.

- Hi, Ben. What's...?
- Shh!

It's bill-paying day.



Carol, $55 for a hair styling
from Blood Sweat & Shears?

Come on.

- How'd he know I was home?
- I know, it's weird.

- Carol, $55?
- Well, Mom knew about it.

She said I should go ahead and
get it done because I'm blossoming.

Well, stop.

Ben, please explain to your sister
how you can have a rich and full life...

on four bucks a week?

You talking to me?

- Hey, guys.
- And don't you go far, Mike.

- I'm gonna wanna talk to you.
- What'd I do?

I haven't found it yet.

- What's going on?
- It's bill-paying day.

Oh, I don't believe this one.

Halt.

Two hundred and sixteen
dollars for a one-month phone bill?

Is that high?

Okay, Mike, 67 toll charges,
all to the same number...

at $2 apiece.

Two dollars apiece?

Shocking, isn't it, Ben?

Why do you automatically
assume it's me?

Am I the only guy in this house
who ever does anything wrong?

- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

Mike, I'm gonna call this number
and I'll just bet you that a girl answers.

I'm sure of it.

Even a 10-year-old
can see through you.

Uh-oh.

Anyway, where was I before
I was so rudely interrupted?

Oh, yeah. Dad, you were
dialing that phone number.

I was so scared.

All I could hope for
was a busy signal.

Hello, this is...
It's a recording.

Sexual Fantasies?

Yeah?

Yeah, Mike.

Oh, how gross.

- Get in my office, we're gonna talk.
- Everyone should get in your office.

I didn't do anything.

Why don't you get in my office,
then we'll all come in my office...

and we'll deduce
who the culprit is.

This is so unfair.

She didn't know how unfair.

- Hi, honey, I'm home.
- Listen to this.

Um, Jason?

One of our kids has
been calling this number.

- What? BEN: Mom
was a teeny bit upset.

- Yuck.
- Sixty-seven times in one month.

- Mike.
- Well, he denies it.

Oh, if he listened to
this with Ben around, I'll...

I'm gonna have to be very
calm and very rational about this.

Good idea.

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna buy Mike a new car.

- What?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna make him look
at it, take it away from him...

I'm gonna park it on the
front lawn and let it rust.

All right, which one of
you little weasels did this?

Come on, Mike. Save your
outraged act for Mom and Dad.

Look, I'm telling
you I didn't do it.

Oh, what, so now you're
gonna try and blame little Ben?

Oh, sure. Right, Ben.

Well, it certainly wasn't me.

Well, it had to be
somebody in this room.

Mike, just pretend
you aren't you.

Now, using the process of elimination,
who would you say the pervert is?

Ben?

Carol?

Or Mike.

Well...

No, no, I don't
wanna pretend that.

All I know is I didn't do it.

And I also know I didn't.

Hey, maybe a guy
broke in and did it.

Sixty-seven times?

All right, Mike,
here's the deal.

Admit what you did and you only wait
an extra year for your driver's license.

You confess later and you won't
get it for as long as you live here.

Mom.

You have 30 seconds to
make up your mind, Mike.

Now Mike was in trouble too.

Real trouble.

And it was all my fault.

I couldn't let this
happen to him...

even if he always does
treat me like a sleaze bucket.

So, what do you
have to say, Mike?

Two choices... Mike.

- Okay, then, I did it.
- No, I did.

Benny.

- You?
- I didn't know it was wrong.

Can you believe this
little sleaze bucket?

Ben, I don't care how much
Mike is paying you to say it...

Hey!

Nothing. I did do it.

Honey, it's sweet that
you wanna protect Mike...

but this is not
the way to do it.

Hey, look. It says here that one of
those calls was made on October 20th.

That was the day me and Boner
cut class to go to Coney Island.

You cut school?

Uh-oh.

That is what convinced her.

These calls were made before
Mike even gets back from school.

Right.

I believe an apology
is in order here.

Carol, Mike, you can
leave the room, please.

Apology accepted,
Dad. Thank you.

We'll talk about
Coney Island later.

Later's good.

I started to know
how serious it was...

when you looked at me
like I was Emmanuel Lewis.

Oh, Benny, not you.

You're not interested
in this kind of stuff.

Why would you call that number?

Well, this kid at school
was passing it around.

- I knew it.
- What's the boy's name?

Dad, I can't rat on somebody.

Well, you're not ratting on him,
Ben. This is a kid with a problem.

He's gotta be straightened
out. You'd be doing him a favor.

Can't we just forget about it?

No.

- Is it the Futterman boy?
- No.

- Stinky Sullivan?
- Uh-uh.

We're not going anywhere
till you tell us who it is.

- Tell us, Ben.
- We're waiting, Ben.

- Who is it?
- Now, Ben.

- Kris Koosman.
- From next door?

- Why, that little dirtbag.
- Maggie.

- I'm sorry. I didn't mean "dirtbag."
- You did the right thing by telling us.

- That'll make your punishment easier.
- Oh, Jason, it wasn't his fault.

For now, I don't want
you playing with Kris.

But he's my best friend.

Not anymore. What's the
Koosmans' number, Maggie?

You don't need
friends like that.

Right then, I needed any
kind of friend I could find.

Now I did it.

I didn't mean to, but I did it.

I made it worse.

Not only did I rat on my best friend, I
ratted on a friend who was innocent.

I decided to go straight to God.

God?

If it won't mess up
the world or anything...

maybe you could
turn time back a month.

Just one little month?

- Hi, Ben, wanna play dodge ball?
- Hi, Kris.

I can't.

My dad said it's all right for you
to come on the boat next weekend.

- I can't do that either.
- How come?

- Well, I... MAN:
Kristian Daniel Koosman!

You get your tail back
home right now, young man.

Yes, sir. I didn't do anything.

Having fun with the phone?
- What do you mean?

Go in the house, sit down, you
and I are gonna have a little talk.

Then you ain't gonna be
able to sit down anymore.

- But, Dad...
- In the house, now.

Dad, I could have said something
right then to save Kris, but I didn't.

All because I couldn't
tell you and Mom...

that the kid who was passing
out the number at school...

the kid who was the bad
influence on me, was me.

I knew I had to get out
before you found out...

I was even worse than Mike.

Bye, room.

Bye, bed.

Bye, chair with a face on it.

I didn't know where I was going.

Just some place with no phones.

Probably Russia.

I'll get it.

- You got it?
- I got it.

- Good.
- Hello?

Yes, it is.

Mrs. Kovacevich.
You're working late.

A principal's job
is never done, is it?

What kind of trouble
could Ben be in?

- Yes, I saw the phone bill and I...
- Tell her we called the Koosmans.

All the parents are angry?

Well, I guess the Koosman boy
spread the number to everyone.

What do you mean?

- What do you mean, what do I mean?
- What does she mean?

- Ben did it?
- What?

There must be a mistake. Ben told us
he got the number from the Koosman boy.

Tell her he's the dirtbag.

Yes, he's the dirt...
He's the bad influence.

Well, it's... So it's Ben's word
against some other child's?

Fourteen other childs?

They all name Ben?

Ben?

I don't know
what to say. I, uh...

We'll handle it.

Yes, thank you.

- She's sure?
- Very.

- Then Ben is the...
- Dirtbag.

Jason, I'm sure Benny
had a very good reason...

for placing those calls.

Yes, and for blaming his
best friend, for lying to us...

and for spreading that number all
over Wendell Willkie Elementary School.

Okay. Can't you give a mother just
a moment of protecting her young?

Now, either everything we
said about Kris Koosman...

now applies to Ben,
or we're hypocrites.

I vote hypocrite.

- Maggie...
- Good, it's settled.

- Come on.
- I'm sorry, Jason.

It's just tough for me to accept that
Ben is a purveyor of pornography.

Well, the news was out.

Now it was time
to face the music.

Seems you've been very busy
passing a dirty number around school.

Not that busy.

How could you stand there, stare
us straight in the eye and lie to us?

But I didn't lie. I
wanted it to be true.

Ben, I am very
disappointed in you.

Mom had never said
that to me before.

Things were about as
bad as they could get.

Then they got worse.

Bud Koosman.

- Oh, am I glad to see you.
- Doc, Kris here has something to say.

Well, so do we.

Come in, come in.

I'd never seen Kris
so mad at me before.

And he was
walking kind of funny.

Speak.

- Well, what happened was...
- Not you.

Him.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

"I'm very sorry..."

I'm very sorry I gave Ben
the dirty phone number.

- I have to interrupt here...
- No, Doc.

You said it all on the phone
when you said that Kris here...

was exerting negative
peer pressure.

- I didn't know...
- Me neither, until I looked it up.

Go ahead, mister.

And I'll pay for your phone bill out
of my allowance till it's all paid off.

- Okay, let's go.
- Wait a minute, Bud.

- There's been a mistake.
- What do you mean a mistake?

All that could save me
now was a natural disaster...

like a flood or a
hurricane or a tycoon.

Please, Bud, sit.

Kris?

Ah! Maybe later.

Bud, I should not
have called you.

Are you kidding? If it was
your kid pulling that malarkey...

I'd be at your door looking to
exert negative peer pressure...

on somebody's face.

A-ha.

You know, Doc, under the circumstances,
I think you're being a real gentleman.

Bud, I'd like to appeal to
your sense of irony here.

Okay.

You know, when you think
about it, it's almost kind of funny.

Funny?

See, as a psychiatrist...

I understand that a kid can get
confused when he gets in a jam.

Well, as a plumber, I know that
when my kid stops up on me...

I gotta flush the
truth out of him.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I cracked.

I did it, Mr. Koosman, I did
it. I passed out the number.

You lied to me.

I told you it wasn't me, Pop.

Yeah, but then after I tanned
your hide, you said it was.

We're just very sorry
about the whole thing, really.

Ah. It's no sweat.

The little buckaroo had a spanking coming
for something I didn't even know about.

- But, Pop, I...
- Look, look.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

Next time you got a couple of
whacks coming, I'll forget about it. Ah?

Now, you see, this is a perfect
example of how I, for one...

have learned not to jump to
conclusions about my children.

I don't blame you. Let's go.

Ben, don't you have
something to say to Kris?

Kris?

- What?
- I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, that's rude.

All right, that's your
freebie, pal. Enjoy it.

Boy, I don't know what
gets into him, you know.

Sometimes he
acts like a little kid.

Well, Ben, I want
you to go to your room.

I want you to think about why
making those phone calls was wrong.

Why lying about it was even more
wrong, and what you're gonna do about it.

So I'll be there a long time?

Go.

I don't know how
long I was there...

trying to figure out
what you wanted to hear.

I must have fell asleep...

because it suddenly came to
me that it was all a bad dream.

That I never called nobody, and I
was the same little kid you loved.

Then Carol walked in.

Ben?

Is it morning?

In Australia, but not here.

Listen, I wanted to warn you.
Dad's coming up here to talk to you.

And he's been walking around
breathing through his nose.

Oh, no.

Since this is your first time
with the big punishment scene...

I thought I'd give
you a few tips.

- You never help Mike.
- Seeing him squirm is fun.

Seeing you suffer is like
watching Merv Griffin sing.

Thanks.

The first thing
you have to know...

is that parents blame themselves
for every bad thing we do.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So if you get cornered,
say something like:

"I didn't know any better."

Second, say you got the
idea from rock music lyrics.

You finished, Carol?

- Dad, how long have you been here?
- Long enough.

Carol was right, you were
breathing through your nose.

Good luck, Ben.

- Ben, I have...
- Dad, I didn't know any better.

And I'm through
with rock 'n' roll.

- Feel better?
- No.

Nuts.

Ben, this is gonna go a lot faster if
you'll just be straight with me, okay?

Where did you get the number?

From a poster on a tree in the
park where the big kids hang out.

- That's the truth?
- Yes.

- Are we done?
- No, I'll let you know.

Did you know what you were listening
to, you shouldn't be listening to?

- Kind of.
- That's yes?

- No.
- Then you didn't know?

- Not exactly.
- Ben, we were on a roll here.

Well, I knew it was dirty,
but it didn't make much sense.

- Well, then why did you pass it out?
- Are you kidding?

Word spread I had the number
and kids were all over me.

Even big kids.

For once I wasn't Mike's little
brother, I was Ben, the good-time guy.

That's a dubious
distinction, Ben.

Yeah, it was great.

If you're curious about sex, you've
gotta come to me or your mom and talk.

Don't let your fingers
do the walking.

I hate the phone.

I'm never gonna
use the phone again.

- Well, we have to talk about sex here.
- Haven't I heard enough about that?

Well, you haven't heard anything
that's right, or healthy or real.

Sex isn't something that
you buy or sell on the street...

or at a newsstand,
or on the phone.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Sex is a beautiful thing,
it's a private thing...

that two people share when
they care about each other.

It's not between one
person and a public utility.

- You actually told him that?
- More or less, yeah.

"That's when you told me
to write all this stuff down.

I learned a lot from this.

I know that sex isn't something
to use to make you famous.

And I know I should never have made
those calls and I'll pay for them somehow.

The one thing I still don't get is,
since I shouldn't hear junk like that...

how come it's so easy for a little
kid like me to get the number?"

All right, I'm sorry, your little
Benny has gone too far this time.

- What's this?
- He hid all the phone cords.

Says they only cause heartache.

- I think it's kind of cute.
- Cute?

Now he has got to be punished.

I think it's time
you took a firmer...

Speaking of punishment, there's
still that little matter of you...

cutting school to
go to Coney Island.

On the other hand, what good
does punishment really do?

What kids need today is love.

So why not reach out?
Reach out and touch someone.

- You gotta admit it.
- Yep, he is good.