Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 2 - Fast Times at Dewey High - full transcript

"One million students report
back for first day of school."

"Two million parents
giggle hysterically with glee."

I bet it's so quiet around
here, you'll miss them by noon.

New pants?

I'm sick.

Well, you didn't seem so sick
when you ate those three waffles.

Maybe I got ahold
of some bad syrup?

- You know what I think?
- Yeah, I'm going to school.

All right, is this gonna
be a great day or what?

You're excited about
the first day of school?

Yes.



Ben, look at Mike. Even he's
anxious to get back to school.

Yeah, it's the beginning of my junior
year. You know what that means?

It means I'm more mature now.
It means I'm more responsible.

It means that in less than two years
I'm gonna be getting out of that dump.

Only a yo-yo would be excited
about the first day of school.

Good morning, all.

Carol, your new
outfit looks great.

It's not too...

- sexy?
- Maybe for Bulgaria.

I think you look terrific.

Yeah, well, I just wanna
begin on the right foot.

I mean, a new year.

- New challenges, new clothes, new friends.
- New zits.

Mike, Carol, the bus.



- Bye, sweetie, bye.
- See you later, Mom.

- Hold it, Mike.
- What?

- You're ready for school?
- Yeah.

Your sister has her books, notebooks,
paper, pencils, binders, course dividers...

Mom, Mom, I know
where you're going here.

Carol's not the only one
who's prepared for school.

I'm just not a fanatic.

Now, what have you
done to prepare for school?

All right, all right. Tonight,
there's a welcome back dance.

I have already
got myself a date.

Attention, Dewey High Hooters.

Hello?

School is canceled.

Just kidding.

Now I have your attention, have
all forms filled out and signed.

- Mike, Mikey?
- Hey, Eddie, my man, how you doing?

- Long time, no see.
- You're looking good.

Gentlemen.

- Boner, how you doing?
- Mikey.

- Good to see you, my man.
- Hey, how you doing?

Hey, what's that on your face?

- This? A mustache.
- A mustache?

- It wasn't there last week.
- I'm Italian.

No, no, it's drawn on. Look.

It's not drawn, it's accented.
There's a lot, a jungle of hair.

Hey, Boner, what do your
parents think about this?

They ain't noticed yet.

- Hi, Mike.
- Oh, hi, Elaine.

We meeting at the dance
or are you picking me up?

Come on, I'm a class
dude. I'm gonna pick you up.

- See you.
- Bye-bye.

Michael, Mikey, you're taking
Elaine Dooley to the dance?

Didn't I mention
that to you guys?

What, did she like
lose a bet or something?

You know, I have been working
on that girl all summer long.

Laying down the basis for a
deep and meaningful relationship...

that's built on trust,
understanding and a mutual...

Whoa, who's that fox over there?

- I got dibs on her.
- I got dibs on her.

- Hey, I said it first.
- Ohh. You got Elaine.

If you'll excuse me, I
have to meet this creature.

Hey, hey, I thought you had some
deep personal relationship going here.

That's something
else you learn, Eddie.

Relationships just don't always
work out like you planned.

- Tough schedule, kid.
- Yeah, well, it's a brand-new year.

And I wanted it
to be a challenge.

Get out of here.

- What'd you...? Right.
- Get? Uh-huh.

Algebra Two, Physics,
Conversational Latin.

- Got the same...
- Schedule.

- Right, fifth year...
- Uh-huh. In a row.

- Right.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, good.

Well, it's only 9:30. Good
things could still happen.

This is it, Room 216.

This is a nicer classroom than
you had last year, isn't it, Ben?

Ben?

Honey, is something wrong?

No.

- No.
- Well, don't play around.

I wanna meet your teacher
and I'm already late for work.

- Mark.
- Ben, you actually showed up.

- Is he here?
- I haven't seen him.

- Hello, I'm Maggie Seaver, Ben's mother.
- Maggie Seaver?

- You're Mike's mother.
- Yes.

Oh, Mrs. Cutter, I
didn't recognize you.

- But you remembered me.
- I remember Mike.

Is Louis Vasco in this class?

- Louis Vasco?
- Big kid.

- No.
- All right.

I don't know what's going on.

Ben's been hesitant about
coming back to school...

He is a lot like Mike.

- Boy, are you lucky.
- Are you kidding?

I'm sorry he's
not at this school.

This kid was ready.

- Honey, I'm leaving.
- Fine.

Are you all right?

- Great.
- Well, good.

- Bye, honey, have a good day.
- Bye.

Ben, I just found out,
Louis Vasco is at this school.

- What?
- Yeah, he flunked.

And he's still mean.

He's gonna kill you, Ben.

Enjoy your summer, Seaverface.

It's gonna be your last one.

When we get back to
school, you're dead meat.

Hear me? Dead meat.

Dead meat.

Dead meat.

- Hey, what's the rush?
- I got no time, all right?

Oh, of course, you don't wanna
be late for Biology on frog day.

- Eddie, Eddie, the blond.
- Again?

Eye contact.

- Go.
- Yes.

It's only 11 a.m., there's still a
chance for things to get better.

She's gone.

Oh, Carol, did you
drop your books?

Hey, I'm sorry. Here,
let me help, Carol.

Speaking of help, I need to know the
name of the blond in your history class.

Well, there's Roger Froman.

No, Carol. I mean the girls.

- Oh, Becky Zwarkin.
- Bucktooth Becky?

The one who could eat corn
on the cob through a knothole?

No, Carol, this girl
was a living dream.

She's new.

Well, I didn't see any new girl.

Just the same
kids, face after face.

After face, after face,
after face. At this point I...

Okay, joke's over.
Very funny too. Ha, ha.

- Boner?
- Hello, Mike.

- Bone, what are you doing in there?
- Cheech locked me in.

I think he was jealous
of my mustache.

- What a jerk.
- Got me out of History.

We got Biology. I
can't miss two in a row.

- There she is, see you later.
- Who?

Mike, I don't wanna go to
Biology alone. Cheech is there.

Ohh.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Bonjour, people.
I'm Coach Lubbock.

And I'll be covering
French Three...

while Mademoiselle Goldstein
is a little bit under the weather.

Grab a desk, monsieur.

Très bon, sport.

Okay, I believe today is a
little review of French Two.

So, what I'm going to... Speak.

A-ha.

- Who are you?
- Can anybody here translate that for us?

- What's your name?
- You.

She said, "Ms. Goldstein always
conducts the class in French."

Bon, very très bon.

What we'll do, we'll have
this young lady stand up here...

and tell us what she did
for her summer "vacation."

- Come and télé vous them.
- Okay.

Give it to him.

- I'm sorry, but I just had to meet you.
- Shh! Not now, Mike.

You've heard of me?

- Shh! Later.
- When?

- Meet me at the dance tonight at 8.
- Okay, at the dance.

Okay, it's a date.

Wait, I don't even
know your name.

Hey, buddy.

You talk French so
good, you don't need this?

French? You mean,
this isn't Biology?

Out.

Out.

Bonjour, monsieur. Adios.

- Are you done?
- Oui, oui.

No, no, you should have
thought of that before class.

All right, Seaver, you have got
yourself one hot date for the dance.

- Hi, Mike, see you tonight.
- Hey, you bet.

- I got a problem. BONER:
What kind of problem?

- Lift those legs, girls.
- I'm lifting.

- Tighten those thighs.
- I'm tightening.

Firm up that bottom.

- I'm still tightening.
- Very good.

Now the chest.

Let's make up for all those
years of going braless, shall we?

And one, and two...

and one, and two,
and one, and two...

Hold that thought.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Ben's father.

Well, that doesn't
sound like Ben.

All right, I'll be right over.

Where did I leave my bra?

- Carol, we saved your old... Right.
- Seat. Uh-huh.

Well, see, this is a new year.

And I thought that we've been
together at lunch for so long...

new people would be good for us.

- Wow. You're like...
- Dumping us?

- Right.
- Uh-huh.

It wouldn't be the same, we've
eaten together since the fifth grade.

- Fourth. Uh-huh.
- Right.

And I don't deal well
with major change.

I'll sit, I'll sit.

- Right.
- Uh-huh.

Wow, that must be great to find two
women who will share you like that.

Boner, they don't
know. Don't be so stupid.

I'm stupid?

You've got a date with
two girls, and I'm stupid?

I am stupid.

So who are you
gonna cut loose, Mikey?

Eddie, I'm gonna go over there,
and I'm gonna talk to Elaine.

I'm gonna let her down
very gently, very easily.

End with the dumperoo, right.

Watch me.

I'm not kidding, here he comes.

Elaine?

- Oh, Mike, hi.
- Hi.

Could we talk for a minute?

- Did you wanna sit?
- No, no, I can't stay.

- So...
- What?

- I should just tell you.
- About the dance?

- Yeah, I...
- I'm so excited.

Wait until you see
the new outfit I got.

You got a new outfit.

Yeah, and it's really hot. I got it
at Chadwick's Department Store.

Great store, you know. Very
liberal return policy. Elaine...

All I've been able to think
about all day is the dance.

What a coincidence.

- I found her, the dream girl, Room 204.
- Two-oh-four, thanks, great, Eddie.

Now, if I were you, I wouldn't
dust the blond, I'd dump Elaine.

No, no, I'm not
dusting the blond.

I'm just putting her on
hold till next week, all right?

Hey, Eddie, here, tell me,
how does this sound like, okay?

Hi.

Call me crazy, but
this just can't wait.

You know, I think that we've got
something really special here between us.

I don't wanna share that with a
bunch of high school kids at a dance.

What do you say you and
me go out instead next week?

Just the two of us.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Look, call me crazy,
but this just couldn't wait.

I think we've got something...
- Hi, Mike.

Hi, Elaine.

Something really special.

It could wait after all.

You can talk to him
in here till recess ends.

Boy, when you're small, people don't even
ask you if you want your parents called.

So I understand you wanna
be transferred to another school.

- Well, this place is getting kind of old.
- Well, that would be difficult.

For you to go to another school,
we've gotta move to another district.

- Is that a problem?
- Yes.

I got it. How about
Hebrew school?

How about you telling me why
some kid wants to fight with you?

- You heard?
- Mm-hm.

See, there's this big
mean kid, Louis Vasco.

Last year I wouldn't
let him cheat off me.

Well, good for you.

He sent a message,
3:00, boys' bathroom.

Ben, this is so strange.

Well, he wouldn't meet
me in the girls' bathroom.

No, I mean, this
whole situation.

Would you believe the
same thing happened to me?

- Come on, Dad.
- You don't believe me?

You're going to do
like you always do...

and tell me some story of how you
didn't run and you ended up being friends.

- No, I ran.
- What?

I was 11 years old and I was trying
out for this baseball team, the Oilers.

Well, it came right down to me or this
other boy for the third base position, see.

Well, boy wasn't really
right. This kid was a gorilla.

They called him Killer.

- What'd you do?
- I quit.

I didn't play baseball
that whole year.

Anyway, I didn't see
Killer again for 15 years.

And I saw him at a reunion.

He had a big beer belly.

All athletes end
up with beer bellies.

And I was there with your mom.

- And Killer, whose real name was Ralph...
- Dad, what's your point?

Well, the point is, he told me he
was glad that I didn't fight him that day.

Why?

Because he was just as
afraid of me as I was of him.

- Big guys are afraid too?
- Yes.

So you're saying I should
face this guy like a man?

That's right.

And if that doesn't work and he starts
to hit you, then you run like the wind.

Excuse me, do you by chance
have a date for tonight's dance?

Pardon me, but I... Hi.

Why won't anyone
go to the dance...?

Sorry, Carol, I thought
you was just a regular girl.

Two p.m., and things
are not getting better.

I give up. I'm sorry.

I thought I'd try something
new, but it didn't work.

- Tell me about it.
- Nothing ever changes for me.

Boner.

- I know exactly how you feel.
- Like dog drool.

I was expecting today
to be different too.

I was stupid enough to
even think I could get a date.

All I wanted was something
new, something different.

Something unusual.

If I did agree to go to this
dance with you, which I haven't.

Right, right, right.

You'd have to agree
to certain conditions.

Anything.

No handholding.

No slow dancing,
no fast dancing.

And if you agree to go, I
don't even have to show up.

- Do I?
- No.

Okay, you've got your date.

And you got something unusual.

Louis?

Seaverface?

- I hear you been looking for me.
- Yep.

So I'm here.

What's the matter?
Afraid to come in?

You're afraid to come out.

Louis?

Hey, Dad was right.

All right, you little...

- You... You grew.
- You didn't.

I think that's my bus.

Whoa, Ben, he was
actually afraid of you.

Yeah, well, Mark, everybody's a
little bit afraid. Even big guys like me.

Now, I don't wanna break Elaine's heart.
And I sure don't wanna upset the blond.

So it's out of my hands.

Now, the next girl that walks
around the corner is history.

- Boner, Boner.
- I know.

Get lost.

Mike, what happened?

- Gym class, I misfired on a power squat.
- Oh, no.

Yeah, look, I have to
see a doctor tonight.

- So the dance is out.
- Yeah, I'm really sorry, Elaine.

But I promise we'll go out
just as soon as I'm whole.

- I hope you understand.
- Of course I do.

- Is there anything I can do to help?
- No.

I'd rather not have you
see me like this, okay?

- Okay, take care.
- You too, bye-bye.

Hi.

- You.
- Me.

Look, I'm a class dude...

and I don't wanna meet
my date at the dance.

So, what do you
say I pick you up?

Date? We don't have a date.

Yes, we do. For
the dance tonight.

No, I just said
I'd see you there.

Oh, wait a minute, I get it.

Found someone you like
better and dumped me.

Oh, no, I could never
do something like that.

Could you?

No, no, don't change
the subject here.

- Mike, you misunderstood.
- Misunderstood, are you...?

- You have any idea what I gave up for you?
- I didn't ask you to give anything up.

I'll tell you what. I gave up
Elaine Dooley for a date with you.

Mike, I couldn't date
you. I don't even trust you.

Look, before you mistrust me,
I suggest you get to know me.

I do know you, Mike.

- From where?
- You remember the class picnic last year?

No, you weren't there. I
would have remembered you.

I can prove I was there.

You did that really funny impression of
Bucktooth Becky Zwarkin, remember?

Pass the corn, please.

Very funny.

Becky?

You have had quite a summer.

And you have had quite a fall.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi.

Hi.

So, Jason, were
you lonely today?

And, Ben, what did you
learn your first day back?

I learned that Hebrew
school is not the answer.

I'll explain later.

So, Carol, was today
everything you hoped it would be?

Well, it started out a little
shaky, but it ended up okay.

Oh, good.

- I even have a date for the dance.
- Great.

And the best part is, I
don't even have to go.

- Mike, you're late, where have you been?
- Mom, I've been doing some thinking.

Girls have feelings
just like regular people.

Uh-huh.

Mom, I think I have learned more today than
I have in my entire educational career.

Oh, that's great, Mike. So
you have good teachers?

Uh, maybe. I'll find out
tomorrow when I go to class.

Jason.

Mike, 7:00 comes
early. Let's go, pal.

All right.

Carol, honey,
school in the morning.

All right!

Ben, you're long
overdue. Lights out now.

No way. I'm afraid of the dark.

You know, Ben, this is interesting.
When I was your age, I too was...

Ben?

Forget it, Dad. I love the dark.