Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 14 - Thank You, Willie Nelson - full transcript
When Carol has a slumber party, Ben and Mike can't resist scaring her friends; meanwhile, Maggie and Jason try to keep peace between her parents who've just made a dramatic lifestyle change.
[BELINDA CARLISLE'S "MAD
ABOUT YOU" PLAYING ON STEREO]
Mad about you
Is this a pajama
party or a funeral?
A pajama party. Come on, guys.
Mad about love Mad
about you You and I
Something 'bout you
Right here beside me
Touches the touched part
of me Like I can't believe
Pushing the night
Into the daytime
Watching the sky's first
light While the city sleeps
Mad about you Mad about you
Lost in your eyes
Mad about love Mad
about you You and I
Mad about you Mike?
Mike?
[BEN SCREAMS]
MIKE: Shh!
You scare me like that
again, I'm gonna slug you.
Shh!
Look, Ben, you said you were
up to this caper, now if you're not...
I borrowed the snake from
Stinky Sullivan, didn't I?
I got it in the house, didn't I?
I even got Mom and
Dad to go for a walk.
I've done everything,
you've done nothing.
Wrong.
Look, first, I'm the guy
who thought of this plan.
And second, I let you help me.
All right? Now
for the next step.
Do you remember what you say
when I run there to rescue the girls?
Yeah. "Be careful,
Mike, Cecil's poisonous."
No, no, Ben, Ben, you
don't call the snake "Cecil."
- All right?
- That's his name.
Ben, it's supposed
to be a wild snake.
Wild snakes don't have names.
How do you know?
Ben.
You think snakes go around
calling each other, "Hey, you"?
Look, I don't care. Let's get
the plan straight, all right?
JASON: The plan!
What are you people
trying to do to me?
- What's going on?
- Uh, nothing.
Oh, how long has
nothing been going on?
About 10 minutes.
You promised me that you
wouldn't bother your sister's party.
Look, Mom, I give you my word.
I have not set foot in that
house since you went out.
So you've been
doing the dirty work?
Cecil's not dirty.
Cecil?
[HORN HONKS]
- Howdy, landlubbers.
MAGGIE: Hi, Dad.
BEN: Oh, it's Grandpa.
- Hey. ED: Hey, Kate.
Come around and say
hello to Maggie and all.
Yo.
BEN: Grandma.
MIKE: Hey, Grandma.
Ed, what's all this?
Well, we just happened to be in the
neighborhood and we thought we'd drop in.
You're 200 miles away from home.
No, we ain't, this is home.
The house has been sold.
What? You sold your...?
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
They found Cecil.
[SCREAMING]
Whoa, whoa, easy now, ladies.
- What seems to be the problem?
- Snake.
- Oh, no.
- It's probably in the sleeping bag, Mike.
They like warm places.
All right, let's stand
back, everybody.
Ben, if I don't
make it, call 911.
Nice touch.
Wait a minute, I smell a rat.
A rat?
[SCREAMING]
Don't worry, I'll get rid of it.
[GRUNTING]
What's going on here...?
What are you doing with
Stinky Sullivan's snake?
Yup, that's my brother.
Crazy and funny Mike.
[CHUCKLES]
Would you guys please
do something about Mike?
He's embarrassing
me beyond belief.
Yup, just life of
the party Mike.
[CAROL LAUGHS]
- Oh, Carol.
- Grandma.
Look how my little
baby girl has grown up.
Why, have you
started wearing a bra?
My life is over.
Mike, Ben, in the kitchen now.
You were great, Cecil.
Mom, let's talk in the kitchen.
Well, at least you
have a kitchen.
Don't worry about it,
Shelley. The snake is gone.
[STAMMERING] What about the rat?
GIRL: A rat.
[SCREAMING]
Now, Mike, we all agreed.
There's nobody in that living room
tonight except Carol and her friends.
How come you're
picking on just me?
Because I'm sure little Ben is
an innocent party to all of this.
[CHUCKLES]
Ben and Mike, upstairs
and in bed right now.
And take your reptile with you.
That way.
Okay, all right,
but before we go...
let's just clear up exactly
what this off-limits area includes.
Go.
Jeez.
So, Mom, this business of
selling the house, what's going on?
Uh, nothing I care
to discuss right now.
Well, I was just
going out to talk to Ed.
You know how Ed
and I love to pal around.
- Ed.
- Where can I plug this?
Well...
Anywhere, Daddy.
Uh, I was just coming
out to see you, Ed.
Why?
Daddy, he wants
to see your trailer.
Maggie, that is not a trailer.
That is a 1987 Meanderer Deluxe.
- "The Vagabond's Dream..."
- "The Vagabond's Dream Machine."
[JASON CHUCKLES]
- You know about that?
- Oh, I've seen the ads.
Well, maybe you'd like to
go outside and check it out.
Maybe you can help
me turn it around.
Well, all right.
So, Mom, why on Earth
did you sell your house?
I blame it all on
my cousin Effie.
- What did she do?
- She died.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I never liked her anyway.
Oh, but I did go to her funeral.
I was only gone three days.
When I came back, your father had sold
the house without even consulting me...
and bought that
monstrosity out there...
which he says we're gonna
spend the rest of our days in.
- Well, that doesn't sound like Daddy.
- Oh, yes, it does.
He's been acting strangely ever
since we went to Niagara Falls.
- When did you go to Niagara Falls?
- On our honeymoon.
Mom, have you told Daddy how
unhappy you are about all this?
Oh, I've given
him plenty of hints.
I sit still, staring straight ahead
with a vacant look on my face.
Mom, you always have a
vacant look on your face.
ED: Go ahead.
JASON: That's okay.
No, see for yourself.
- I take your word for it.
- You never take my word for it.
Okay.
Well, let's see. Ooh.
- Well?
- Nice.
Yeah.
- And it's durable.
- It is, I can feel...
[JASON CHUCKLES]
ED: Huh? Aha. JASON: Ah.
You know, the brochures
never do these things justice.
No.
- Press the thingamajig.
- No, that's all right.
Press that darn... That's it.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Sweet.
Well, I figure if this is gonna be my
castle, I ought to have a decent throne.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Yeah, I could be happy in there.
Listen, out in Hollywood, some of the
stars use this, uh, Meanderer Deluxe...
- for their dressing
rooms. JASON: Ah.
I figure if it's good
enough for Loni Anderson...
it's good enough
for a retired cop.
Well, this is terrific, Ed.
Forget Loni Anderson.
[ED CHUCKLES]
I can't.
Whoa. Cowabunga.
Yeah, I didn't know you
had a sense of humor.
Show me a man been married 17 years
I'll show you a man with a sense of humor.
You know, you're okay.
- Oh, look at that captain's chair.
- Yeah.
Would you like to
try it on for size?
- Could I?
- Be my guest.
All right. Oh, Ed.
ED: Huh?
- I envy you, Ed.
- Yeah.
You envy me?
You kidding? Boy,
cruising those highways.
Every day a different
vista out that window.
Tied to nothing
but the open road...
and free to find adventure,
follow wherever it leads.
No responsibilities.
No patients waiting for you with problems
that would just break your heart...
if you didn't remind yourself constantly
to keep your professional distance.
What the hell are
you talking about?
Nothing, just a...
Well, you know, when the kids grow up,
I would love to try something like this.
- You would? Gee.
- Mm-hm.
I just hope I have the
courage to do what you did.
Courage?
Well, boy...
Jason, I haven't been wrong
about you all these years, have I?
You called me Jason.
- That is your name, isn't it?
- Yeah.
[KNOCKING]
MAGGIE: Jason.
- In here, honey.
Margaret Kathryn, come in here
and see what your dear old dad...
had the courage to buy.
- You can do it.
- No, I can't.
- Yes, you can.
- No, I can't.
Jason, we have to go.
Jason, I wanna
show you something.
- This can wait, Maggie.
- No, it can't.
- Did he just call you "Jason"?
- Uh-huh.
Jason, when I say the
words "Meanderer Deluxe"...
now, what one feature
comes to mind, huh?
You didn't order the...
BOTH: Custom
cabin level control.
- I sure as hell did.
- Stop it! Ha, ha.
ED: There it is, right here.
You never can tell when you're gonna
have to park on a 10-degree angle.
JASON: Whoa. That's good.
- Or a 20. KATE: This is
not a good time, Maggie.
- Or a 30-degree angle.
- Mom, it's the perfect time.
[KATE AND MAGGIE YELL]
Okay, Maggie, what is it?
Maggie?
So at that point, I told her
that she owed it to herself...
as well as Daddy to tell him
how she really felt about this...
and, for once, stand
up for her rights.
Maggie, that was
terrible advice.
Aren't you always telling me how important
it is to be truthful about our feelings?
Honey, that's for us.
Your parents' marriage has
never been based on truth.
And that's a good thing?
It's kept them happily
married for 37 years.
Maggie is right.
You are the most pigheaded
man I have ever met.
And I am not stepping foot
on this overblown tin can again.
Ha! That's just fine.
But come midnight tonight, I'm pulling
out of here with you or without you.
And you can put that in your pipe
and smoke it, Miss Gloria Steinbrenner.
Maggie?
Jason?
Which room is mine?
If you put your faith in any
man, you'll live to regret it.
All men go wacko eventually.
You hear me?
Oh, yeah.
Carol, go back to
your slumber party.
Grandma won't let us.
It's okay.
Mom, go ahead and
make yourself a pot of tea.
And Jason and I will
make up a bed for you.
Oh, don't go to any trouble.
I can sleep in the garage.
You will not.
Come on, Jason, I
wanna talk to you.
I was afraid of that.
- Grandma, hi.
- Oh, Benny.
We have such a
good time with you.
Putting puzzles together,
singing songs around the piano...
Piano?
Did I hear someone
mention the piano?
Benny was just saying that...
Say, Grandma, you don't happen
to know any new tunes, do you?
Well, as a matter of fact, I just
bought the Dire Straits songbook.
BEN & MIKE: Ooh!
Hey, did Benny mention that
we just got our piano tuned?
Oh.
Jason, you've got to
talk some sense into him.
This is their business.
Let them work it out.
Oh, they aren't gonna work anything
out. Mom will never speak to Dad again.
Now, how do you know that?
Because if you
ever did anything...
as stupid as expecting me to live in a
tin thing like some hobo or something...
I'd certainly never
speak to you again.
It's good to find out now.
[DIRE STRAITS' "MONEY FOR
NOTHING" PLAYING ON PIANO]
[SINGING] Now
look at them yo-yos
That's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV
That ain't workin'
That's the way you do it
Money for nothin'
and the chicks are free
Everybody, let's boogie.
- Hey, Mike, how many times...?
- Hey, Dad.
We're just, uh, protecting
the womenfolk here, you know.
Especially since that prowler
has been in the neighborhood...
stealing the nightgowns
of teenage women.
[SCREAMS]
JASON: Ed?
[ED GRUNTS]
Oh, look, Jason, I was
just starting to like you.
So don't go saying something that's gonna
make me have no use for you again, okay?
Well, this could be
a short conversation.
ED: Ah.
Perfect.
Ed, I could, uh, use your help.
- Car trouble?
- No, you see, uh...
Well, right now I'm having a
problem keeping Maggie happy.
Now, I won't put up
with any of that sex talk.
It's nothing like that, Ed.
She asked me to tell you...
that this whole idea of you spending
the rest of your life traveling is stupid.
My problem is, I
think it's fabulous.
She also wanted me to tell
you you're treating Kate unfairly.
I don't know if I agree or not,
but it's none of my business.
Well, you're right about that.
I have to tell her we
talked about something.
Like what?
Well, like, uh, what am I supposed
to say to her when she says:
"How come my dad did all this
without consulting my mom?"
Why should I have
to consult her?
[CHUCKLES]
Ed, some married couples
actually do talk to each other.
You're talking about that Phil
Donahue and Marlo Perkins, ain't you?
No, but could you at least tell me
why you suddenly sold your home?
Why?
I don't know why.
Maybe I ran out of chores.
Replanting the rose garden,
extending the porch, painting.
I did those things the first
six months I was on retirement.
But I don't know why.
Just recently the leg broke
off of my old easy chair...
because I was spending time sitting
in it watching that Wheel of Fortune...
which is not a half-bad
show, by the way.
Maybe it's because last
month we paid the house off.
After 25 years and not
missing a single payment.
And to celebrate, we
went home and fell asleep.
[ED SIGHS]
I don't know why.
Let me ask you something.
How many years
you figure you got left?
I haven't thought about it much.
I do.
A lot.
I understand.
- You do, lad?
- Yeah.
I wish my wife did.
Have you tried telling
her how you feel?
If she wanted to marry a communicator
she should have married Walter Cronkite.
Ha. But she's gonna
change her mind.
Won't she?
He'll change his mind.
- Won't he?
- Sure he will, Mom.
He's a sensitive,
giving human being.
He's a jackass.
- You're right.
- Oh, Maggie, he's your father.
I'm sorry.
What will I do with myself?
Oh, Mom, I'm sure that
everything will work out for the best.
I know.
I'll do what you did,
resume my career.
Mom, you were a riveter
during World War II.
Oh, honey, how did it go?
How did it go? Oh, it went well.
Actually, I think
it went very well.
Very well, indeed.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Eddie.
Daddy?
Daddy?
This has gone far enough.
This is no business of
yours, Margaret Kathryn.
You have anything to say, Kate?
No. Do you have anything to say?
- Not a word.
- All right, then.
Hold it, Mom.
If you're not gonna speak,
then I am gonna speak for you.
You shouldn't speak
for somebody else.
Somebody has to with the
screwy way this man is behaving.
- Your father hasn't done anything screwy.
- Oh, come on, Jason.
Just the whole idea
of spending the rest of
their lives in this
thing is way out there.
Maggie, this happens to
be a dream for some people.
A lot of intelligent,
responsible people, I might add.
MAGGIE: Well, name one.
Me.
I'd love to spend the
rest of my days like this.
What is it with you men?
What do you have against houses?
Your father might have been acting
impulsively, but he was a desperate man.
He had nothing to look forward
to except Wheel of Fortune.
Which is not a half-bad show.
Then why didn't
he tell Mom that?
- Because that's not his style.
- Well, his style stinks.
- His style was fine for 37 years.
- Thirty-eight.
Mom, do you mind? We're
having a discussion here.
Margaret, I won't have you
talking to your mother that way.
Well, Dad, at
least I talk to her.
I can talk to your mother
as well as anyone can.
Kate.
Sorry. I should have told
you I was selling the house.
See? He said "told,"
instead of "asked."
Eddie, I didn't know you
were so unhappy at home.
Well, you know I
don't complain much.
Look, the house isn't
gone through escrow yet.
I can take this thing back to Smilin'
Jake's R.V. and get us our money back.
Eddie, are you asking
me what I wanna do?
Well, kind of, yeah.
Well, what would
make you happy is...
what would make me happy.
MAGGIE: Oh.
ED: Aw.
[KATE SOBS]
Oh, what are we
standing out here for?
There's a whole big
world out there to see.
Well, you're right
about that, Kate.
Maggie, will you tell the
kids we said goodbye?
And it was sure nice
talking to you, uh...
- Jason.
- Right.
Mom, what about your suitcase?
Send it to me in care of
General Delivery in Philadelphia.
Kate, I was thinking we should
go back to Niagara Falls if it's okay.
It's better than okay.
[ED CHUCKLES]
Maggie.
Never mind.
I won't be needing my clothes.
ED: Stand back.
- Bye.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Oh, Jason, isn't it wonderful?
Yeah.
And all that baloney
you were spouting...
how you'd really like to
live like that did the trick.
Well, I am a professional.
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
BEN: Nightgowns.
[GROWLING]
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Don't worry, it's just me.
[GROWLING]
[CHIMING]
This way, Mike.
It worked, he's following me.
Where are you?
Over here, Mike.
No, Mike, I said over here.
MIKE: Where are you?
I can't see you guys.
CAROL: Now! MIKE: Come
on, what's happening here?
[GIRLS YELLING AND LAUGHING]
[ENGLISH - US -SDH]
ABOUT YOU" PLAYING ON STEREO]
Mad about you
Is this a pajama
party or a funeral?
A pajama party. Come on, guys.
Mad about love Mad
about you You and I
Something 'bout you
Right here beside me
Touches the touched part
of me Like I can't believe
Pushing the night
Into the daytime
Watching the sky's first
light While the city sleeps
Mad about you Mad about you
Lost in your eyes
Mad about love Mad
about you You and I
Mad about you Mike?
Mike?
[BEN SCREAMS]
MIKE: Shh!
You scare me like that
again, I'm gonna slug you.
Shh!
Look, Ben, you said you were
up to this caper, now if you're not...
I borrowed the snake from
Stinky Sullivan, didn't I?
I got it in the house, didn't I?
I even got Mom and
Dad to go for a walk.
I've done everything,
you've done nothing.
Wrong.
Look, first, I'm the guy
who thought of this plan.
And second, I let you help me.
All right? Now
for the next step.
Do you remember what you say
when I run there to rescue the girls?
Yeah. "Be careful,
Mike, Cecil's poisonous."
No, no, Ben, Ben, you
don't call the snake "Cecil."
- All right?
- That's his name.
Ben, it's supposed
to be a wild snake.
Wild snakes don't have names.
How do you know?
Ben.
You think snakes go around
calling each other, "Hey, you"?
Look, I don't care. Let's get
the plan straight, all right?
JASON: The plan!
What are you people
trying to do to me?
- What's going on?
- Uh, nothing.
Oh, how long has
nothing been going on?
About 10 minutes.
You promised me that you
wouldn't bother your sister's party.
Look, Mom, I give you my word.
I have not set foot in that
house since you went out.
So you've been
doing the dirty work?
Cecil's not dirty.
Cecil?
[HORN HONKS]
- Howdy, landlubbers.
MAGGIE: Hi, Dad.
BEN: Oh, it's Grandpa.
- Hey. ED: Hey, Kate.
Come around and say
hello to Maggie and all.
Yo.
BEN: Grandma.
MIKE: Hey, Grandma.
Ed, what's all this?
Well, we just happened to be in the
neighborhood and we thought we'd drop in.
You're 200 miles away from home.
No, we ain't, this is home.
The house has been sold.
What? You sold your...?
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
They found Cecil.
[SCREAMING]
Whoa, whoa, easy now, ladies.
- What seems to be the problem?
- Snake.
- Oh, no.
- It's probably in the sleeping bag, Mike.
They like warm places.
All right, let's stand
back, everybody.
Ben, if I don't
make it, call 911.
Nice touch.
Wait a minute, I smell a rat.
A rat?
[SCREAMING]
Don't worry, I'll get rid of it.
[GRUNTING]
What's going on here...?
What are you doing with
Stinky Sullivan's snake?
Yup, that's my brother.
Crazy and funny Mike.
[CHUCKLES]
Would you guys please
do something about Mike?
He's embarrassing
me beyond belief.
Yup, just life of
the party Mike.
[CAROL LAUGHS]
- Oh, Carol.
- Grandma.
Look how my little
baby girl has grown up.
Why, have you
started wearing a bra?
My life is over.
Mike, Ben, in the kitchen now.
You were great, Cecil.
Mom, let's talk in the kitchen.
Well, at least you
have a kitchen.
Don't worry about it,
Shelley. The snake is gone.
[STAMMERING] What about the rat?
GIRL: A rat.
[SCREAMING]
Now, Mike, we all agreed.
There's nobody in that living room
tonight except Carol and her friends.
How come you're
picking on just me?
Because I'm sure little Ben is
an innocent party to all of this.
[CHUCKLES]
Ben and Mike, upstairs
and in bed right now.
And take your reptile with you.
That way.
Okay, all right,
but before we go...
let's just clear up exactly
what this off-limits area includes.
Go.
Jeez.
So, Mom, this business of
selling the house, what's going on?
Uh, nothing I care
to discuss right now.
Well, I was just
going out to talk to Ed.
You know how Ed
and I love to pal around.
- Ed.
- Where can I plug this?
Well...
Anywhere, Daddy.
Uh, I was just coming
out to see you, Ed.
Why?
Daddy, he wants
to see your trailer.
Maggie, that is not a trailer.
That is a 1987 Meanderer Deluxe.
- "The Vagabond's Dream..."
- "The Vagabond's Dream Machine."
[JASON CHUCKLES]
- You know about that?
- Oh, I've seen the ads.
Well, maybe you'd like to
go outside and check it out.
Maybe you can help
me turn it around.
Well, all right.
So, Mom, why on Earth
did you sell your house?
I blame it all on
my cousin Effie.
- What did she do?
- She died.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I never liked her anyway.
Oh, but I did go to her funeral.
I was only gone three days.
When I came back, your father had sold
the house without even consulting me...
and bought that
monstrosity out there...
which he says we're gonna
spend the rest of our days in.
- Well, that doesn't sound like Daddy.
- Oh, yes, it does.
He's been acting strangely ever
since we went to Niagara Falls.
- When did you go to Niagara Falls?
- On our honeymoon.
Mom, have you told Daddy how
unhappy you are about all this?
Oh, I've given
him plenty of hints.
I sit still, staring straight ahead
with a vacant look on my face.
Mom, you always have a
vacant look on your face.
ED: Go ahead.
JASON: That's okay.
No, see for yourself.
- I take your word for it.
- You never take my word for it.
Okay.
Well, let's see. Ooh.
- Well?
- Nice.
Yeah.
- And it's durable.
- It is, I can feel...
[JASON CHUCKLES]
ED: Huh? Aha. JASON: Ah.
You know, the brochures
never do these things justice.
No.
- Press the thingamajig.
- No, that's all right.
Press that darn... That's it.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Sweet.
Well, I figure if this is gonna be my
castle, I ought to have a decent throne.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Yeah, I could be happy in there.
Listen, out in Hollywood, some of the
stars use this, uh, Meanderer Deluxe...
- for their dressing
rooms. JASON: Ah.
I figure if it's good
enough for Loni Anderson...
it's good enough
for a retired cop.
Well, this is terrific, Ed.
Forget Loni Anderson.
[ED CHUCKLES]
I can't.
Whoa. Cowabunga.
Yeah, I didn't know you
had a sense of humor.
Show me a man been married 17 years
I'll show you a man with a sense of humor.
You know, you're okay.
- Oh, look at that captain's chair.
- Yeah.
Would you like to
try it on for size?
- Could I?
- Be my guest.
All right. Oh, Ed.
ED: Huh?
- I envy you, Ed.
- Yeah.
You envy me?
You kidding? Boy,
cruising those highways.
Every day a different
vista out that window.
Tied to nothing
but the open road...
and free to find adventure,
follow wherever it leads.
No responsibilities.
No patients waiting for you with problems
that would just break your heart...
if you didn't remind yourself constantly
to keep your professional distance.
What the hell are
you talking about?
Nothing, just a...
Well, you know, when the kids grow up,
I would love to try something like this.
- You would? Gee.
- Mm-hm.
I just hope I have the
courage to do what you did.
Courage?
Well, boy...
Jason, I haven't been wrong
about you all these years, have I?
You called me Jason.
- That is your name, isn't it?
- Yeah.
[KNOCKING]
MAGGIE: Jason.
- In here, honey.
Margaret Kathryn, come in here
and see what your dear old dad...
had the courage to buy.
- You can do it.
- No, I can't.
- Yes, you can.
- No, I can't.
Jason, we have to go.
Jason, I wanna
show you something.
- This can wait, Maggie.
- No, it can't.
- Did he just call you "Jason"?
- Uh-huh.
Jason, when I say the
words "Meanderer Deluxe"...
now, what one feature
comes to mind, huh?
You didn't order the...
BOTH: Custom
cabin level control.
- I sure as hell did.
- Stop it! Ha, ha.
ED: There it is, right here.
You never can tell when you're gonna
have to park on a 10-degree angle.
JASON: Whoa. That's good.
- Or a 20. KATE: This is
not a good time, Maggie.
- Or a 30-degree angle.
- Mom, it's the perfect time.
[KATE AND MAGGIE YELL]
Okay, Maggie, what is it?
Maggie?
So at that point, I told her
that she owed it to herself...
as well as Daddy to tell him
how she really felt about this...
and, for once, stand
up for her rights.
Maggie, that was
terrible advice.
Aren't you always telling me how important
it is to be truthful about our feelings?
Honey, that's for us.
Your parents' marriage has
never been based on truth.
And that's a good thing?
It's kept them happily
married for 37 years.
Maggie is right.
You are the most pigheaded
man I have ever met.
And I am not stepping foot
on this overblown tin can again.
Ha! That's just fine.
But come midnight tonight, I'm pulling
out of here with you or without you.
And you can put that in your pipe
and smoke it, Miss Gloria Steinbrenner.
Maggie?
Jason?
Which room is mine?
If you put your faith in any
man, you'll live to regret it.
All men go wacko eventually.
You hear me?
Oh, yeah.
Carol, go back to
your slumber party.
Grandma won't let us.
It's okay.
Mom, go ahead and
make yourself a pot of tea.
And Jason and I will
make up a bed for you.
Oh, don't go to any trouble.
I can sleep in the garage.
You will not.
Come on, Jason, I
wanna talk to you.
I was afraid of that.
- Grandma, hi.
- Oh, Benny.
We have such a
good time with you.
Putting puzzles together,
singing songs around the piano...
Piano?
Did I hear someone
mention the piano?
Benny was just saying that...
Say, Grandma, you don't happen
to know any new tunes, do you?
Well, as a matter of fact, I just
bought the Dire Straits songbook.
BEN & MIKE: Ooh!
Hey, did Benny mention that
we just got our piano tuned?
Oh.
Jason, you've got to
talk some sense into him.
This is their business.
Let them work it out.
Oh, they aren't gonna work anything
out. Mom will never speak to Dad again.
Now, how do you know that?
Because if you
ever did anything...
as stupid as expecting me to live in a
tin thing like some hobo or something...
I'd certainly never
speak to you again.
It's good to find out now.
[DIRE STRAITS' "MONEY FOR
NOTHING" PLAYING ON PIANO]
[SINGING] Now
look at them yo-yos
That's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV
That ain't workin'
That's the way you do it
Money for nothin'
and the chicks are free
Everybody, let's boogie.
- Hey, Mike, how many times...?
- Hey, Dad.
We're just, uh, protecting
the womenfolk here, you know.
Especially since that prowler
has been in the neighborhood...
stealing the nightgowns
of teenage women.
[SCREAMS]
JASON: Ed?
[ED GRUNTS]
Oh, look, Jason, I was
just starting to like you.
So don't go saying something that's gonna
make me have no use for you again, okay?
Well, this could be
a short conversation.
ED: Ah.
Perfect.
Ed, I could, uh, use your help.
- Car trouble?
- No, you see, uh...
Well, right now I'm having a
problem keeping Maggie happy.
Now, I won't put up
with any of that sex talk.
It's nothing like that, Ed.
She asked me to tell you...
that this whole idea of you spending
the rest of your life traveling is stupid.
My problem is, I
think it's fabulous.
She also wanted me to tell
you you're treating Kate unfairly.
I don't know if I agree or not,
but it's none of my business.
Well, you're right about that.
I have to tell her we
talked about something.
Like what?
Well, like, uh, what am I supposed
to say to her when she says:
"How come my dad did all this
without consulting my mom?"
Why should I have
to consult her?
[CHUCKLES]
Ed, some married couples
actually do talk to each other.
You're talking about that Phil
Donahue and Marlo Perkins, ain't you?
No, but could you at least tell me
why you suddenly sold your home?
Why?
I don't know why.
Maybe I ran out of chores.
Replanting the rose garden,
extending the porch, painting.
I did those things the first
six months I was on retirement.
But I don't know why.
Just recently the leg broke
off of my old easy chair...
because I was spending time sitting
in it watching that Wheel of Fortune...
which is not a half-bad
show, by the way.
Maybe it's because last
month we paid the house off.
After 25 years and not
missing a single payment.
And to celebrate, we
went home and fell asleep.
[ED SIGHS]
I don't know why.
Let me ask you something.
How many years
you figure you got left?
I haven't thought about it much.
I do.
A lot.
I understand.
- You do, lad?
- Yeah.
I wish my wife did.
Have you tried telling
her how you feel?
If she wanted to marry a communicator
she should have married Walter Cronkite.
Ha. But she's gonna
change her mind.
Won't she?
He'll change his mind.
- Won't he?
- Sure he will, Mom.
He's a sensitive,
giving human being.
He's a jackass.
- You're right.
- Oh, Maggie, he's your father.
I'm sorry.
What will I do with myself?
Oh, Mom, I'm sure that
everything will work out for the best.
I know.
I'll do what you did,
resume my career.
Mom, you were a riveter
during World War II.
Oh, honey, how did it go?
How did it go? Oh, it went well.
Actually, I think
it went very well.
Very well, indeed.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Eddie.
Daddy?
Daddy?
This has gone far enough.
This is no business of
yours, Margaret Kathryn.
You have anything to say, Kate?
No. Do you have anything to say?
- Not a word.
- All right, then.
Hold it, Mom.
If you're not gonna speak,
then I am gonna speak for you.
You shouldn't speak
for somebody else.
Somebody has to with the
screwy way this man is behaving.
- Your father hasn't done anything screwy.
- Oh, come on, Jason.
Just the whole idea
of spending the rest of
their lives in this
thing is way out there.
Maggie, this happens to
be a dream for some people.
A lot of intelligent,
responsible people, I might add.
MAGGIE: Well, name one.
Me.
I'd love to spend the
rest of my days like this.
What is it with you men?
What do you have against houses?
Your father might have been acting
impulsively, but he was a desperate man.
He had nothing to look forward
to except Wheel of Fortune.
Which is not a half-bad show.
Then why didn't
he tell Mom that?
- Because that's not his style.
- Well, his style stinks.
- His style was fine for 37 years.
- Thirty-eight.
Mom, do you mind? We're
having a discussion here.
Margaret, I won't have you
talking to your mother that way.
Well, Dad, at
least I talk to her.
I can talk to your mother
as well as anyone can.
Kate.
Sorry. I should have told
you I was selling the house.
See? He said "told,"
instead of "asked."
Eddie, I didn't know you
were so unhappy at home.
Well, you know I
don't complain much.
Look, the house isn't
gone through escrow yet.
I can take this thing back to Smilin'
Jake's R.V. and get us our money back.
Eddie, are you asking
me what I wanna do?
Well, kind of, yeah.
Well, what would
make you happy is...
what would make me happy.
MAGGIE: Oh.
ED: Aw.
[KATE SOBS]
Oh, what are we
standing out here for?
There's a whole big
world out there to see.
Well, you're right
about that, Kate.
Maggie, will you tell the
kids we said goodbye?
And it was sure nice
talking to you, uh...
- Jason.
- Right.
Mom, what about your suitcase?
Send it to me in care of
General Delivery in Philadelphia.
Kate, I was thinking we should
go back to Niagara Falls if it's okay.
It's better than okay.
[ED CHUCKLES]
Maggie.
Never mind.
I won't be needing my clothes.
ED: Stand back.
- Bye.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Oh, Jason, isn't it wonderful?
Yeah.
And all that baloney
you were spouting...
how you'd really like to
live like that did the trick.
Well, I am a professional.
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
BEN: Nightgowns.
[GROWLING]
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Don't worry, it's just me.
[GROWLING]
[CHIMING]
This way, Mike.
It worked, he's following me.
Where are you?
Over here, Mike.
No, Mike, I said over here.
MIKE: Where are you?
I can't see you guys.
CAROL: Now! MIKE: Come
on, what's happening here?
[GIRLS YELLING AND LAUGHING]
[ENGLISH - US -SDH]