Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 6 - Mike's Madonna Story - full transcript

A Madonna-styled teenage seductress (DANA PLATO) wreaks havoc in the Seaver household when she appears at their doorstep in some rather revealing clothing looking for Mike (KIRK CAMERON) and plotting to make him her next seduction.

♪ SHOW ME THAT SMILE AGAIN ♪

♪ DON'T WASTE ANOTHER
MINUTE ON YOUR CRYIN' ♪

♪ WE'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE END ♪

♪ THE BEST IS READY TO BEGIN ♪

♪ AS LONG AS WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪

♪ WE GOT THE WORLD
SPINNIN' RIGHT IN OUR HANDS ♪

♪ BABY YOU AND ME ♪

♪ WE GOTTA BE ♪

♪ THE LUCKIEST DREAMERS
WHO NEVER QUIT DREAMIN' ♪

♪ AS LONG AS WE KEEP ON GIVIN' ♪

♪ WE CAN TAKE ANYTHING
THAT COMES OUR WAY ♪



♪ BABY, RAIN OR SHINE ♪

♪ ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪

♪ SHARIN' THE
LAUGHTER AND LOVE ♪

SHE'S DEFINITELY A WENDY.

UH-UH, HE IS CLEARLY A SAM.

DAD, I THINK I KNOW
MY OWN PLANT.

SHE'S A WENDY.

CAROL, I WENT TO
MEDICAL SCHOOL, OK?

SO, UH, I THINK I
CAN SETTLE THAT.

THAT'S A WENDY.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?

OH, WELL, IT'S AN EXPERIMENT.

I'VE BEEN TALKING TO WENDY HERE



AND GIVING WHAT'S-HIS-NAME
THE SILENT TREATMENT.

AND WE'LL SEE WHICH
ONE GROWS FASTER.

AND THE WINNER
BECOMES TONIGHT'S SALAD.

DAD.

THERE'S A GIRL HERE FOR MIKE.

BEN, DID YOU JUST LEAVE
HER STANDING OUTSIDE?

SHE'S A GIRL, MOM.

WHAT DO YOU WANT
ME TO DO? LET HER IN?

SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE

SOME PRETTY STRONG
FEELINGS ABOUT GIRLS.

NO, I JUST DON'T LIKE 'EM.

WELL, BEN, IF A FRIEND
COMES TO THE DOOR,

YOU SHOULD LET THEM

IN.

WHY, HELLO.

HI.

IS MIKE HOME?

POSSIBLY.

QUITE POSSIBLY. LET ME CHECK.

MAGGIE?

OH.

PLEASE,

COME IN.

THANKS.

UM,

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A SEAT?

I'M MAGGIE, MIKE'S MOTHER.

THIS IS JASON.

HELLO.

BEN. CAROL.

AND YOU ARE?

LISA.

I'M MIKE'S, LIKE, FRIEND.

YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE
HIM, HE DOESN'T LIKE GIRLS.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I, LIKE,
DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF A GIRL.

I CONSIDER MYSELF A WOMAN.

AND RIGHTLY SO, I'M SURE.

I'LL CALL MIKE.

MIKE.

OH, I'M SORRY, HE
DOESN'T SEEM TO BE HERE.

GUESS HE DOESN'T
LIKE GIRLS, EITHER.

WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

SO, LISA.

DIP? NO.

HEY, HEY, LISA,

WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE.

I WAS JUST IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,

BREAKING UP WITH
MY OLD BOYFRIEND.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH.

HE WAS JUST TOO IMMATURE.

OH?

WAS HE YOUNGER THAN YOU?

NO, HE WAS 27.

WHAT AN AMAZING COINCIDENCE

'CAUSE I WAS JUST
UP ON THE PHONE,

BREAKIN' UP WITH
MY OLD GIRLFRIEND.

SHE WAS 43.

YEAH, IN DOG YEARS MAYBE.

UH, YOU GUYS HAVEN'T
SEEN UNCLE STEVE IN A WHILE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO TAKE
A WALK BY HIS PLACE?

MIKE, YOUR UNCLE
STEVE'S IN CONNECTICUT.

SO?

AND HE'S DEAD.

SHOULD YOU GUYS GO HAVE A SNACK?

RIGHT, OK. ALL RIGHT,
COME ON, GUYS.

LISA, VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOU, TOO.

COME ON.

SEE YOU, MAGGIE.

YOU DON'T MIND IF I CALL
YOU MAGGIE, DO YOU?

NO.

GOD, DAD,

DO YOU BELIEVE THE TOP
THAT GIRL WAS WEARING?

HUH? I DIDN'T NOTICE.

OH, COME ON, DAD,

SHE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE
HAD NO SHIRT ON AT ALL.

YEAH, WELL, ALL
THINGS CONSIDERED,

I'M GLAD SHE DIDN'T
CHOOSE TO GO THAT ROUTE.

ME, TOO.

MMM. CAROL, WHY DON'T
YOU TAKE BEN AND GO OUTSIDE.

WHY?

BECAUSE I NEED TO
TALK TO YOUR FATHER.

ABOUT MIKE'S FRIEND WITH
THE MAJOR-LEAGUE YABOS?

OUT! BOTH OF YOU.

WELL, WHAT ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO DO OUTSIDE?

I DON'T CARE. TALK TO THE LAWN.

NO. IT NEEDS MOWING AS IT IS.

DID YOU SEE THE TOP
THAT GIRL WAS WEARING?

JASON, SHE'S A TRAMP.

OH, COME ON, MAGGIE.

NO. I MEAN, I ADMIT

SHE DOESN'T DRESS
WITH A LOT OF...

CLOTHING.

TASTE.

BUT WE DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THE GIRL.

JASON, SHE WAS GOING
OUT WITH A 27-YEAR-OLD.

AND THAT MAKES HER A TRAMP?

WELL, MAYBE THEY SHARED
THE SAME INTERESTS.

THAT MAKES HER A TRAMP.

OH, MAGGIE.

JASON, SHE DOESN'T EVEN GIGGLE

THE WAY A 15-YEAR-OLD
IS SUPPOSED TO GIGGLE.

WELL, I'LL CALL THE
NATIONAL GUARD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

WHEN A 15-YEAR-OLD GIRL

COMES TO MY DOOR,
ASKING FOR MY SON,

SHE SHOULD FEEL AWKWARD
AND UNCOMFORTABLE.

WITH THIS GIRL,

I FEEL AWKWARD
AND UNCOMFORTABLE.

SEE, SHE GIGGLES.

MY MISTAKE.

SO, UH, DO YOU THINK
YOU GUYS COULD LEAVE?

WHY?

SO WE CAN HAVE SOME JUICE.

YOU MEAN, YOU CAN'T HAVE JUICE

WITH US IN THE ROOM?

FINE, FINE.

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU GUYS
BOUGHT A HOUSE WITH 9 ROOMS

IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA USE 'EM.

SUBTLE, MIKE.

SO ANYWAY, WHEN I TOLD ED

I WAS BREAKIN' UP
WITH HIM, HE, LIKE, CRIED.

IT WAS SO PATHETIC.

YEAH, THAT IS PATHETIC.

I, LIKE, NEVER CRY.

REALLY?

WELL, ONCE WHEN A
CAR RODE OVER MY FOOT,

I WINCED.

YOU'RE, LIKE, SO CUTE, MIKE.

HEY, WHAT CAN I SAY?

YEAH, I'M CUTE. I'M DAMN CUTE.

PLUS, ED WAS LIKE
SUPER POSSESSIVE.

I MEAN, HE, LIKE,
GOT UPSET BECAUSE

I WENT CAMPING WITH PHIL CRAWLY

WHO'S, LIKE, JUST A
FRIEND, BASICALLY.

BASICALLY?

MOM. I'M SORRY.

LISA,

SO HOW DID YOUR PARENTS FEEL

ABOUT YOU GOING OUT
WITH A 27-YEAR-OLD?

OH, LIKE, MY MOTHER,
SHE WAS BUMMED.

REALLY?

LIKE, I THINK SHE WANTED
TO GO OUT WITH HIM.

WELL, I TAKE IT YOUR PARENTS
ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER THEN?

WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

NOTHING. NEVER MIND.

SO, LIKE ANYWAY, MIKE,

YOU WANNA DO SOMETHING TONIGHT?

AH, WELL, I DID JUST END

A VERY SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP.

BUT I THINK I'VE MOPED AROUND
ABOUT THAT LONG ENOUGH.

UH, UH, MIKE, DON'T FORGET

THAT YOUR FATHER
AND I ARE GOING OUT

WITH THE KOOSMANS TONIGHT,

AND YOU HAVE TO
BABY-SIT BEN AND CAROL.

CAN'T WE GET A SITTER?

ON THIS SHORT NOTICE,
NOT ONE WITHOUT AN AXE.

SO? BEN AND CAROL
ARE QUICK ON THEIR FEET.

MIKE?

OK, OK.

HEY, MIKE, MAYBE I COULD, LIKE,

COME OVER HERE TONIGHT.

YEAH! THAT-THAT'D BE...

PROBABLY A VERY BORING WAY

FOR LISA TO SPEND
A SATURDAY NIGHT.

NO, IT WOULDN'T
BE BORING, MAGGIE.

I JUST LOVE BABY-SITTING.

UH-HUH?

WHAT A WOMAN, HUH, MOM?

YOU BETCHA.

YOU ARE THE UGLIEST PLANT ALIVE.

CAROL TOLD ME PRIVATELY
THAT SHE HATES YOU.

BEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, UH, NOTHING, MOM.

OK, ALL SET?

YEAH.

SO? DID YOU TALK TO HIM?

YEAH.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

WELL, PRETTY MUCH
WHAT YOU AND I DISCUSSED.

LIKE WHAT, SPECIFICALLY?

WELL, YOU KNOW,

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE
FATHER-SON TALKS.

UH-HUH, FORGIVE ME, JASON.

I HAVE NEVER HAD ONE OF
THOSE FATHER-SON TALKS.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

UH, WELL, THAT'S WHERE I SAY:

"HOW YOU DOIN', SON?" HE
SAYS, "PRETTY GOOD, DAD."

I SAY, "IS THAT
MOUSSE IN YOUR HAIR,

OR IS IT WET..."

JASON, GET TO THE GOOD PART.

HONEY, I JUST TOLD
HIM THAT IN GENERAL,

I THINK THAT IT'S
BETTER TO START SLOWLY

WITH A RELATIONSHIP,

TO GET TO KNOW
SOMEBODY, TO GET A...

A MEDICAL REPORT.

THAT, TOO, I GUESS.

SO, UH...

WELL, WHAT DO YOU
THINK THEY'LL DO TONIGHT?

WELL, THEY'LL
PROBABLY WATCH T.V.

AH.

JASON, WHAT IF THEY,
UH, DON'T WATCH T.V.?

I MEAN, HE'S ONLY 15.

HE'S TOO YOUNG TO NOT WATCH T.V.

WELL, IF 2 TEENAGE KIDS
WANT TO GET TOGETHER

AND NOT WATCH T.V.,

THEY'RE GONNA
FIND A WAY TO DO IT.

I'M TIRED. LET'S STAY HOME.

MAGGIE.

I WANNA WATCH THE LOVE BOAT.

BOB AND ELLEN ARE
PICKING US UP IN 3 MINUTES.

ARE YOU SURE WE
SHOULDN'T STAY HOME?

YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU
HAVE TO REMEMBER

IS THAT NO MATTER WHERE WE ARE,

THERE'S ALWAYS THAT LITTLE VOICE

INSIDE MIKE'S HEAD SAYING,

"MIKE,

THIS IS YOUR MOTHER SPEAKING."

AND THAT'S WHEN MIKE SAYS,
"MA, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?"

AND THE LITTLE VOICE SAYS,

"I JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU

"THAT I LOVE YOU

"AND I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

"EVEN IF YOU BREAK MY HEART

BY TOUCHING THAT
GIRL SOMEWHERE."

OK, OK.

SO YOU'RE SAYING I'VE ALREADY
SADDLED HIM WITH ENOUGH GUILT

TO CRIPPLE HIM FOR LIFE?

NO. NO, I'M JUST, I'M SAYING
THAT HE KNOWS OUR VALUES

AND HE KNOWS THAT
WE CARE ABOUT HIM.

AND I KNOW THAT HE
WILL CONSIDER THAT

ANYTIME HE MAKES ONE
OF LIFE'S BIG DECISIONS.

I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT.

JASON, WE ARE NOT
LEAVING THIS HOUSE.

MAGGIE, THE KOOSMANS ARE HERE.

LET'S JUST GO.

TO HELL WITH THE KOOSMANS.

COME ON, GUYS, LET'S GO!

DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT
THERE AND TELL BOB AND ELLEN

THAT WE CAN'T LEAVE OUR HOUSE
BECAUSE THERE'S A GIRL IN IT?

WHY NOT?

WOULD YOU LEAVE
CAROL IN THERE WITH A BOY

WHO LOOKS LIKE HE JUST FELL OFF

AN X-RATED WEDDING CAKE?

THIS IS A DOUBLE STANDARD.

NOBODY SAID LIFE WAS
FAIR, MAGGIE. LET'S GO.

HONEY, I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE FEELING,

BUT WE SHOULD NOT TRY TO
MAKE THIS DECISION FOR MIKE.

AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,
HE'S GONNA LIVE THROUGH IT.

THAT'S COMFORTING.

HEY, I SAW HER WALK UP.

AT LEAST HE'LL DIE HAPPY.

I HATE THE KOOSMANS.

HOLD ME.

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG
I'VE WAITED FOR THIS?

FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO THIS?

THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE
OPPORTUNITY

FOR ME TO DO WHAT I'VE ALWAYS...

SHUT UP AND HOLD ME.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU HAVE SO MANY PLACES TO HOLD.

JUST PICK ONE.

THIS MOVIE HAPPENS
TO BE VERY DULL.

MAGGIE, MIKE'S
GONNA BE JUST FINE.

THERE'S NO STORY, NO CHARACTER,

JUST A LOT OF GRATUITOUS SEX

THROWN IN TO BOOST TICKET SALES!

WE KNOW. SIT DOWN.

HOW ARE THEATER
OWNERS GOING TO KNOW

HOW WE FEEL ABOUT THIS GARBAGE

IF WE JUST SIT THROUGH IT?

OR STAND THROUGH
IT, IN YOUR CASE.

OH, CAN IT, WILL YOU?

MAGGIE, LET'S JUST
WATCH THE MOVIE, OK?

PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULD STAY HOME

AND WATCH THE LOVE BOAT.

WELL, UH, THIS IS
THE GUEST ROOM.

THAT ABOUT WRAPS UP
THE TOUR OF THE HOUSE.

LET'S GO BACK DOWNSTAIRS,

AND WE CAN WATCH
T.V. OR SOMETHING.

STAY HERE. IT'S, LIKE, NICE.

HERE?

UH, WHAT WOULD WE DO IN HERE?

I MEAN, THE T.V.
DOWNSTAIRS IS MUCH MORE...

ANY IDEA WHAT
YOU'RE DOING TO ME?

UH,

WELL, YOU KNOW,

I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE
MY TOP LIP MATCH UP, ROUGHLY

WITH YOUR...

I MEAN, INSIDE.

OH, INSIDE? UH,

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S...

I FIND IT'S ALWAYS
SO HARD TO SAY

WHAT SOMEONE ELSE FEELS INSIDE,

AND, UH, MY DAD,
WHO IS A PSYCHIATRIST,

HE SAYS THAT, UH, NO
2 PEOPLE NECESSARILY

HAVE TO FEEL THE
EXACT SAME INSIDE.

AND...

I FEEL ALL STEAMY AND TINGLY.

I DON'T SPECIFICALLY
REMEMBER HIM MENTIONING

"STEAMY AND TINGLY."

I HAVE... I HAVE TO
ASK HIM ABOUT THEM.

HUH, SO, HOW ABOUT

THAT SOCIAL STUDIES
TEST LAST FRIDAY?

YOU KNOW, MIKE,

I JUST GOT, LIKE, A FUNNY IDEA.

FUNNY? FUNNIER THAN THIS?

NO. I MEAN, IT JUST
OCCURRED TO ME.

THIS GONNA BE THE FIRST
TIME YOU'VE, LIKE, EVER DONE IT?

LISA, LISA, LISA, LISA.

NO, NO, NO, NO, I'M SORRY.
THAT'S JUST SO RICH.

NO, I'M NOT A VIRGIN, LISA.

NO, NOT THIS COWBOY.

THAT'S A RELIEF.

'CAUSE, LIKE, BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

THERE ARE GUYS OUT THERE

OUR OWN AGE
WHO'VE NEVER DONE IT.

YEAH. REJECTS AND NERDS.

REALLY? SO...

WHERE WERE WE?

UH,

I'M NOT SURE.

NOW I REMEMBER.

DID.

DID NOT.

DID, TOO. DID NOT.

I KNOW YOU DID SOMETHING TO HER.

DID NOT.

BEN, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
ADMIT YOU KILLED WENDY?

AND THEN I'LL KILL YOU,

AND WE'LL BOTH FEEL A LOT
BETTER ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.

NO.

YOU'RE A KILLER AND YOU KNOW IT!

HEY, WAIT. HOLD IT. AM NOT!

BOTH OF YOU, NEUTRAL CORNERS.

DAD,

THE PLANT I WAS
TALKING TO IS DEAD.

WELL, THAT DOES NOT BODE WELL

FOR THE REST OF
THE FAMILY, DOES IT?

DAD! BEN KILLED WENDY.

I DID NOT. STOP SAYIN' THAT.

NOW, BEN, YOUR SISTER'S NOT ONE

TO MAKE THESE THINGS UP.

YOU LOOK ME SQUARELY IN THE EYE,

AND YOU TELL ME
THAT SHE'S MISTAKEN

AND THEN NOT ANOTHER
WORD WILL BE SAID ABOUT IT. OK?

BEN?

DID YOU KILL WENDY?

NO.

OK.

NOT EXACTLY.

WELL, I... I SAID A
MEAN THING TO HER,

AND... AND A LEAF FELL
OFF, BUT I TRIED TO SAVE HER.

I SWEAR I TRIED TO SAVE HER.

HOW EXACTLY DID YOU
TRY TO SAVE HER, BEN?

HOW DO YOU THINK?
WITH THE PLANT STUFF.

OH, OH, MY GOD.

BEN, DID YOU PUT
THE WHOLE BOTTLE

ON MY PLANT?

SEE, I TOLD YOU I
TRIED TO SAVE HER.

"MIX ONE CAPFUL OF MIGHTY PLANT

WITH 8 GALLONS OF WATER."

WHAT... WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

5-TO-10 IN THE GREENHOUSE.

KIDS, WHERE'S YOUR BROTHER?

OH, YOU MEAN MR. TESTOSTERONE?

I THINK HE'S IN THE KITCHEN.

HEY, MIKE.

MOM.

WHERE'S LISA?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

WELL, DID YOU TWO, UH,
HAVE A GOOD TIME TOGETHER?

SURE.

OH.

WELL, WHAT'D YOU DO?

WE HUNG OUT.

DID YOU, UH,

WATCH ANY T.V.?

NO.

WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE READING?

WIND SURFER.

GOOD ISSUE?

IT'S NOT MUCH DIFFERENT
FROM THE LAST 11 ISSUES.

ARE YOU FEELING OK?

YEAH, GREAT.

GOOD.

SO, LISA SEEMS LIKE A
VERY INTERESTING GIRL.

YEAH.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT DOES WHAT MEAN?

I SAID, "SHE SEEMS LIKE
AN INTERESTING GIRL"

AND YOU SAID, "YEAH."
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS IT MEANS
SHE'S AN INTERESTING GIRL.

SO,

DID YOU GUYS PLAY
ANY, UH, BOARD GAMES?

NOTHING HAPPENED, OK, MOM?

SHE WANTED TO SLEEP
WITH ME, AND I DIDN'T DO IT.

I'M PROBABLY GAY.
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

MIKE.

WHAT?

I'M PRETTY SURE YOU'RE NOT GAY.

YEAH, I GUESS THAT
WAS A LONG SHOT, HUH?

YOU KNOW, MICHAEL,

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG

WITH CHOOSING NOT TO
SLEEP WITH SOMEBODY.

I MEAN, YOU CAN EVEN WAIT
FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE.

PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME.

COME ON, MOM.

IT'S NOT LIKE I DID SOME
BIG NOBLE THING HERE.

I JUST WIMPED OUT.

OK, OK, SO YOU WIMPED OUT.

BUT THINK ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE.

WHAT DID YOU REALLY WIMP OUT OF?

LET ME REPHRASE THAT.

DO YOU CARE ABOUT LISA?

I MEAN, DO YOU CARE ABOUT
WHAT SHE FEELS OR THINKS

OR IF SHE'S HAPPY OR SAD?

DO YOU REALLY CARE
WHAT HAPPENS TO HER?

WELL,

I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE
HER GET HIT BY A TRUCK.

AND DO YOU THINK
SHE CARES ABOUT YOU?

YEAH, IN THE SAME KIND OF WAY.

SO YOU WIMPED OUT OF
SHARING SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL

WITH SOMEONE WHO...

WELL, WHOSE FACE YOU
WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE

ON THE GRILLE OF AN 18-WHEELER?

YEAH. I GUESS I
SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

BUT, LISA...

THERE WAS SOMETHING
ABOUT HER, MOM.

SHE-SHE'S GOT...

MAJOR-LEAGUE YABOS?

WELL, IN A NUTSHELL, YEAH.

LISA IS A GREAT-LOOKING
GIRL, MIKE.

BUT THERE ARE OTHER
GREAT-LOOKING GIRLS OUT THERE

WHO ALSO HAPPEN TO
BE WARM, CARING PEOPLE.

REALLY?

MMM-HMM.

AND YOU'RE GONNA FIND ONE.

AND WHEN THE RIGHT GIRL

AND THE RIGHT TIME COMES ALONG,

I THINK YOU'LL BE FEELING
ANYTHING BUT WIMPY.

YEAH, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

WELL, YOU'LL BE A
LITTLE SCARED AT FIRST,

BUT TRUST ME,

YOU'LL FIND A WAY
TO OVERCOME IT.

YOUR FATHER DID.

DAD?

MMM-HMM.

OH, SO I GUESS YOU'RE SAYING

THAT HE WAITED
FOR THE RIGHT GIRL.

YEAH, I GUESS YOU
COULD SAY THAT.

I MET HER. SHE WAS VERY NICE.

HEY.

YOU OK?

YEAH, I'M FINE, DAD.

REALLY.

OK, MIKE. SLEEP TIGHT, HUH?