Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 4 - Carol's Article - full transcript

♪ SHOW ME THAT SMILE AGAIN ♪

♪ DON'T WASTE ANOTHER
MINUTE ON YOUR CRYIN' ♪

♪ WE'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE END ♪

♪ THE BEST IS READY TO BEGIN ♪

♪ AS LONG AS WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪

♪ WE GOT THE WORLD
SPINNIN' RIGHT IN OUR HANDS ♪

♪ BABY, RAIN OR SHINE ♪

♪ ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪

♪ SHARIN' THE
LAUGHTER AND LOVE ♪

MIKE, WOULD YOU GET
YOUR SISTER, PLEASE?



YO, FIDO, DINNER!

I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN,
FIRE HYDRANT!

TELL MOM I'M JUST GONNA
FINISH THIS PARAGRAPH!

HEY, MOM, FIDO'S GONNA FINISH
HER PARAGRAPH. THANK YOU, I HEARD.

AND FRANKLY, FIRE HYDRANT,

I DON'T THINK IT'S
FUNNY OR APPROPRIATE

FOR YOU TO CALL
YOUR SISTER FIDO.

YOU'RE RIGHT. IT...
IT'S A BOY'S NAME.

IS SHE STILL WORKING
ON THAT ARTICLE? UH-HUH.

WELL, SHE'S TAKING THIS TRYOUT

FOR THE SCHOOL
PAPER VERY SERIOUSLY.

COME ON, DAD, THIS IS THE
WALT WHITMAN CHRONICLE HERE

ONE OF THE WORLD'S GREAT PAPERS.

IT'S RIGHT UP THERE WITH,
UH, CHARMIN AND NICE'N SOFT.



MIKE, THIS IS VERY
IMPORTANT TO CAROL.

TRY TO KEEP YOUR SNIDE
COMMENTS TO A MINIMUM.

SO, LIKE, WHAT? 3 OR 4?

YOU'RE WORKING AWFULLY
HARD, SWEETHEART.

YEAH, WELL, I JUST
WANT TO GET IT RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, SO IT'S, LIKE, THE
BEST ARTICLE THEY'VE EVER GOTTEN.

MMM-HMM.

PRETTY TOUGH TO BEAT
LAST WEEK'S SCOOP:

"GRANOLA BARS REPLACE
GUMMY BEARS IN SNACK MACHINE."

THAT'S ONE.

ONE WHAT?

SNIDE COMMENTS.

MOM SAYS MIKE CAN MAKE 3
MORE AT YOU DURING DINNER.

OH, I THINK PROBABLY
THAT WAS THE LAST ONE.

RIGHT, MIKE?

WHY, YES, FATHER,
I BELIEVE IT WAS.

ANYWAY, TOMORROW'S
THE MOMENT OF TRUTH.

TOMORROW MR. SIMMONS
READS ALL THE ARTICLES

AND DECIDES WHO GETS THE JOB.

OH, NO, NOT SIMMONS.

WHY? WHO'S SIMMONS?

THAT'S THE TEACHER
WHO LOCKED A KID

IN A CLOSET FOR
NOT CLOSING A QUOTE.

OH, WELL, HONEY, I DON'T THINK
YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

JUST DO THE BEST YOU CAN,
AND I'M SURE HE'LL BE IMPRESSED.

THIS IS SO EXCITING!

THE ROAR OF THE MIGHTY PRESSES.

INK COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS.

MAYBE I'VE GOT WHAT
IT TAKES, MAYBE I DON'T,

BUT I'LL NEVER FIND OUT

IF I DON'T LEAP
INTO THE DARKNESS

AND GIVE IT MY ALL!

IF SHE SINGS I GOTTA BE
ME, I SWEAR I'LL THROW UP.

THAT'S 2.

MOM,

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD
READ MY ARTICLE TONIGHT

AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK?

WHY, I'D BE HAPPY TO, HONEY.

YOU'LL BE HONEST?

SAVAGELY HONEST.

AH, I KNOW.

I'M PROBABLY JUST
WORRYING FOR NOTHING, BUT,

HAVE YOU EVER WANTED
SOMETHING SO MUCH,

YOU COULD FEEL IT
WITH YOUR ENTIRE BODY?

WELL, NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT...

YEAH, JERRY. YEAH,
PUT ME IN FOR $20.

YEAH, OF COURSE I HAVE IT.

LOOK, ONLY A SCUZZBALL
WOULDN'T HAVE $20.

YEAH, OK. BYE.

HEY, BEN, GIVE ME $20.

NO WAY.

BEN,

WE DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO KNOW THIS BUT,

WELL, MOM NEEDS AN OPERATION.

THAT'S LOW, MIKE, EVEN FOR YOU.

OK, OK, OK. LOOK,

JERRY DELLISH IS OVER
AT OFF-TRACK BETTING

AND HE'S GOT A HOT TIP ON
PESKY PERSKY IN THE FOURTH.

IS THAT A HORSE?

NO, IT'S AN IMPORTED BEER.

OF COURSE IT'S A HORSE.

BEN, LOOK, I'M GIVING YOU
THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE $100.

HMM.

THAT SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD.

OF COURSE IT SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD

AND YOU'RE ACTING LIKE

I'M TRYING TO PUT ONE
OVER ON YOU OR SOMETHING.

I'M SORRY.

LOOK, FORGET IT.
BUT YOU'LL DO IT?

SURE, AND WE'LL
SPLIT THE PROFITS.

ALL RIGHT, BEN.

70-30, MINE.

WHAT?

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.

IT'S A PLEASURE DOING
BUSINESS WITH YOU, MIKE.

THAT KID'S GONNA BE GOOD.

CAROL'S PAPER CAN'T BE THAT BAD.

SHE WROTE ABOUT
GUYS WHO DIG FOR CLAMS.

WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

SHE CALLED IT, "I
CLAM, THEREFORE I AM."

DID SHE NOW?

LISTEN TO THIS:

"NIGHT OBDUCES THE ISTHMUS
'NEATH ITS OBSIDIAN MANTLE.

"THE MOLLUSKS IMBIBE

"ONE LAST SIP TWIXT THEIR VALVES

"AND EXPEL THE DAY'S

MUCULENCE."

SHE COULD BE PUSHING A LITTLE.

JASON, READ THIS.

"WITH DEXTEROUS
MANIPULATION OF HIS DIGITS,

"THE MASTER CLAMMER

"EXTRICATES THE MUCULENT MOLLUSK

FROM ITS LAPIDEOUS MENAGE."

WELL, LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.

WE HAVE A DAUGHTER WHO
KNOWS WHAT MUCULENCE IS.

HOW MANY PEOPLE KNOW
WHAT MUCULENCE IS?

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT MUCULENCE IS,

AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM. MMM-HMM.

NEWSPAPER WRITING
NEEDS TO BE CLEAR,

ACCESSIBLE.

OH, JASON, WHAT
AM I GONNA TELL HER?

SHE ASKED FOR MY HONEST OPINION.

NO KID WANTS YOUR
HONEST OPINION.

THEY WANT
UNCONDITIONAL APPROVAL.

AND WHAT IF YOU DON'T APPROVE?

THEN YOU HAVE A
SIGNIFICANT DILEMMA,

MUCH LIKE THE ONE YOU'RE IN NOW.

THANK YOU, DR. SEAVER.

OH, COME ON, JASON.
HELP ME OUT HERE.

WELL, LOOK, WE WANT THIS TO BE
A LEARNING EXPERIENCE FOR HER.

GO ON. AND ALL LEARNING IS
BASED ON POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT.

MORE.

SEE, IF YOU WANT A PIGEON TO
PERFORM, YOU REWARD IT WITH A PELLET.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I'M SAYING WE SHOULD HAVE HAD
PIGEONS. THEY'RE EASIER TO RAISE.

JASON, COME ON.

YOU JUST START
OFF BY POINTING OUT

THE STRENGTHS OF THE ARTICLE

AND THEN YOU SHOW HER HOW
THE ARTICLE COULD BE IMPROVED.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE.

YES. BE GENTLE AND
NURTURING AND SUPPORTIVE.

THEN, IF THAT DOESN'T WORK,

YOU SIMPLY TIE HER TO THE BED
AND SET HER REEBOKS ON FIRE.

CAROL?

COME IN.

WELL, IT'S LATE.
YOU MUST BE TIRED.

WE CAN TALK ABOUT
THIS IN THE MORNING.

NO, NO, I'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR YOU.

I'VE READ THE ARTICLE AGAIN,

AND I THINK I CAN BE
MORE OBJECTIVE NOW.

WELL, THAT'S A GOOD THING TO DO.

PUT IT AWAY FOR A
WHILE, GET SOME DISTANCE.

OFTEN WHAT YOU
THOUGHT WAS PERFECT...

I KNOW, I KNOW. I
ALREADY CHANGED IT.

YOU DID?

YEAH. AH.

THE 2 "MUCULENCES"
IN THE SAME SENTENCE.

TERRIBLE.

I MADE THE SECOND ONE

"PITUITOUSNESS."

OH!

ARE YOU PROUD OF
ME, MOM? THE TRUTH.

OF COURSE.

HONEY, I AM ALWAYS PROUD OF YOU.

YOU THINK I'LL MAKE THE PAPER?

WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS
YOU HAVE POTENTIAL.

VERY FEW PEOPLE COULD WRITE LIKE

THIS.

SO YOU DON'T THINK I
SHOULD CHANGE ANYTHING.

MOM, THIS IS GREAT.

WELL,

WHAT I... WHAT I...
WHAT I'M SAYING IS, UM,

CAROL, IT'S... IT'S
CLEAR THAT YOU PUT

A LOT OF TIME INTO THIS ARTICLE.

IT'S, UH, WELL THOUGHT OUT.

IT'S WELL TYPED.

AND, UM,

AND I JUST LOVE THESE MARGINS.

BUT?

WELL, IT'S... IT'S NOT
SO MUCH A "BUT"...

IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE A "BUT."

WELL, WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY IS...

CUT TO THE "BUT," MOM.

BUT

IT'S JUST NOT NEWSPAPER
WRITING, HONEY.

LOOK,

IN ANY FIELD THERE ARE RULES.

YOU JUST HAVE TO LEARN THEM.

NEWSPAPER WRITING
HAS TO BE MORE SIMPLE,

STRAIGHTFORWARD.

SO YOU THINK MY
ARTICLE'S GARBAGE.

SWEETHEART.

IF I LET YOU TURN
THIS IN TO MR. SIMMONS,

HE'D TELL YOU THE SAME
THINGS, ONLY MEANER.

"INTRODUCTION TO JOURNALISM."

I FOUND IT VERY HELPFUL,
AND I'M SURE YOU WILL, TOO.

YEAH.

ARE YOU OK?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

REALLY?

YEAH, REALLY. THANKS
FOR YOUR ADVICE.

GOOD.

GOOD NIGHT, PUMPKIN.

"INTRODUCTION TO JOURNALISM."

I KNOW. JERRY SAYS WE BET
ON UNDULATE IN THE EIGHTH.

I SAY WE BET ON ARBITRARY.

WHY? WHY NOT?

BEN, LOOK AT THESE TIMES.

I MEAN, YOU'LL BE
GROWING CHEST HAIR

BEFORE ARBITRARY
FINISHES THIS RACE.

I JUST GOT A HUNCH
ABOUT THIS ONE.

BEN, YOU CAN'T BET
A RACE ON A HUNCH.

OK, WHAT ABOUT
THAT ARBITRARY COMES

OUT OF SECRETARIAT
BY WAY OF SEABISCUIT

AND ALONZO PICKED UP 3 PURSES

IN HIS LAST 4 TURF OUTINGS?

HEY, I KNOW THAT,

BUT I SAY WE STICK WITH JERRY.

I MEAN, HE'S BEEN RIGHT SO FAR.

I'M NOT SO SURE.

BEN, WHO'S GOT THE CONNECTIONS?

WHO'S GOT THE MONEY?

WHO'S GOT THE WEIGHT ADVANTAGE?

GO, UNDULATE!

EARTH TO MAGGIE.

HMM?

EVERYTHING OK?

OH.

WELL, I WAS JUST WONDERING
WHY CAROL HASN'T COME DOWN YET.

AH.

OH, I HOPE I WASN'T TOO
HARD ON HER LAST NIGHT.

NO, I'M SURE YOU WERE JUST...

UNLESS...

DID YOU BURN HER REEBOKS?

WHAT DO YOU WANT
FOR CHRISTMAS, MOM?

'CAUSE MY MIDDLE NAME IS MONEY.

CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG,

BUT I'VE BEEN LIVING
UNDER THE ASSUMPTION

YOUR MIDDLE NAME WAS HUMPHREY.

I HATE HUMPHREY, OH!

AND A KID WITH $65 CAN
CALL HIS OWN SHOTS.

REALLY?

BEN, WHERE DID YOU GET $65?

WELL, ME AND MIKE...

UH, I CAME INTO A
LITTLE MONEY, MOM,

AND YOU'VE ALWAYS
TAUGHT ME TO SHARE

SO I'M SHARING IT
WITH MY LITTLE BRO.

AND NOW, JUST FOR THE
HECK OF IT, MIKE, THE TRUTH.

JERRY DELLISH BET ON A
HORSE FOR US, AND WE WON.

MIKE,

YOU TOOK BEN'S MONEY
AND RISKED IT ON A HORSE?

IT WAS A SURE THING, MOM.

JERRY DELLISH SAID SO.

JERRY "I-SWEAR-SHE-LOOKED-18"
DELLISH?

THERE WILL BE NO MORE BETTING.

BUT, MOM, WE WON! MOM...

JERRY...

BUT WAIT. BUT, MOM

THESE GUYS ARE HOT.

THEY'RE ON A ROLL. THEY WON.

NOW I'M SURE THERE ARE
SOME PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY

LOSE MONEY AT THE TRACK,

BUT THOSE PEOPLE DON'T
KNOW JERRY DELLISH.

AH.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT, JASON.

THESE BOYS DO SEEM TO HAVE

"WINNER" WRITTEN ALL OVER THEM.

SO WE CAN LET IT RIDE ON
UNDULATE IN THE EIGHTH?

BOYS,

AND I SAY THIS TO
YOU AS A FRIEND

I THINK YOU'D BE CRAZY NOT TO.

YEAH! YEAH, ALL RIGHT!

WE'RE IN THE MONEY.
THANKS A LOT. SEE YOU LATER.

WE'RE IN THE MONEY.

DON'T WORRY, THIS
WILL WORK. MMM-HMM.

$2 SAYS YOU'RE A
LOSER. YOU'RE ON.

OK.

CAROL?

DON'T WORRY, SHE'LL BE FINE.

AFTER ALL, SHE IS A SEAVER.

SHE CAN TAKE CRITICISM. OK?

GOOD MORNING, CAROL.

YOU LOOK NICE.

THANK YOU.

THAT'S A REAL CUTE SWEATER.

OH, YOU LIKE IT? UH-HUH.

A LOT. IT'S A GOOD COLOR FOR
YOU. IT BRINGS OUT YOUR EYES.

IT'S NOT TOO BRIGHT?

IT'S VERY BECOMING.

YOU SURE? IF NOT, I IMAGINE
THERE'S A BOOK I COULD READ,

PERHAPS INTRODUCTION
TO DRESSING?

YOU CALL THESE FACTS?

HOW MANY KIDS THREW UP
FROM THE TUNA CASSEROLE?

AND WHERE IS THE
CAFETERIA'S SIDE OF THE STORY?

FOOD SERVICES HAD NO COMMENT.

"FOOD SERVICES HAD NO COMMENT."

YOU GO BACK DOWN
TO THE CAFETERIA.

SOMEBODY IN SANDWICHES

OR IN PUDDING
HAS AN AX TO GRIND.

YOU FIND YOURSELF A DEEP THROAT,

AND YOU BRING BACK A STORY.

NEXT.

SIT DOWN.

THANK YOU.

UH, CAROL, EH?

ALL RIGHT,

YOU WANT THE JOB?

YOU GOT IT.

REALLY? YOU LIKE MY WRITING?

I WORKED SO HARD
ON MY METAPHORS.

METAPHORS STINK.

WELL, SIMILES ARE MORE...

SIMILES STINK.

YOUR WRITING, IT STINKS.

WHAT?

OH, EXCUSE ME, I FORGOT
WHO I WAS TALKING TO.

IT IS REPLETE WITH STINKIOSITY.

BUT AT LEAST YOU CAN SPELL.

THE OTHERS, THEY
CAN'T EVEN SPELL.

BUT YOU SPELL WORDS
THAT NOBODY KNOWS.

MUCULENCE!

WHAT IN THE HELL IS MUCULENCE?

WELL, IT'S, UM...

IT'S BASICALLY

SLIMY GLOP.

THEN YOU CALL IT SLIMY GLOP!

PEOPLE KNOW WHAT SLIMY GLOP IS.

YEAH, WELL, I JUST FELT
THAT MAYBE IT WAS...

FELT IS FOR POOL TABLES.

YOU START MONDAY.

WELL, THANK YOU, BUT I
DON'T THINK I WANT THE JOB.

AROUND THE FAR TURN,
IT'S NICE GIRL IN THE LEAD.

COME ON, UNDULATE!
COME ON, UNDULATE!

IT'S STILL NICE GIRL A FULL 6
LENGTHS AHEAD OF HEDGE TRIMMER

WITH UNDULATE A DISTANT THIRD.

HEY, GUYS, IT LOOKS LIKE
UNDULATE'S GONNA BE VERY LATE.

RELAX.

NICE GIRL ALWAYS STARTS
STRONG. SHE'LL FADE.

AND NICE GIRL'S
STARTING TO FADE.

NOW, COME ON, YOU
CAN DO IT, UNDULATE.

DON'T WORRY. SHE'LL MAKE HER
MOVE ON THE OUTSIDE, RIGHT HERE.

AND LET'S SEE, MOVING ON
THE OUTSIDE, IT'S UNDULATE.

LOOK AT HER GO!

AND THEY'RE MOVING
DOWN THE FINAL STRETCH.

THEY'RE NECK AND NECK.
IT'S NICE GIRL, UNDULATE.

NICE GIRL, UNDULATE.

AND AT THE FINISH, IT'S

UNDULATE! BY A NOSE HAIR.

AND SHE'LL PAY OFF
AT 9 TO ONE, FOLKS.

9 TO ONE?

HOLY COW! THAT'S $450.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S JERRY CALLING
FROM O.T.B. WHAT DO WE DO, FAST BENNY?

WE KEEP THE $450 OR LET IT
RIDE ON NAIL BITER IN THE NINTH?

YOU GUYS, I THINK YOU SHOULD
QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD.

JASON!

MAGGIE, IT'S $450.

YOU PUT THAT IN A ROLLOVER
ACCOUNT, WITH INTEREST THE WAY...

OH, COME ON.

WE COULD TEACH THEM
THIS GAMBLING LESSON

ANOTHER TIME, YOU KNOW. OK.

BOYS, I SAY THIS
IS NO TIME TO STOP.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT
IT. YOU GOT THAT TOUCH.

ALL RIGHT, JERRY, PUT IT
ALL ON NAIL BITER TO WIN.

WELL, HI, CAROL.

HOW DID IT, UH, GO
WITH, UH, SIMMONS?

FINE, THANK YOU. I GOT THE JOB.

OH, REALLY? WELL...

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, HONEY.

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

CAROL GOT THE JOB ON THE PAPER.

AUTHOR, AUTHOR.

I TURNED IT DOWN.

CAN I COME IN?

SURE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

CLEANING THIS
GARBAGE OUT OF MY WAY.

CAROL,

HOW COME YOU
TURNED THE JOB DOWN?

I MEAN, IT REALLY SEEMED LIKE
YOU HAD YOUR HEART SET ON IT.

YEAH, WELL, THAT
WAS BEFORE I REALIZED

THERE'S NOTHING REALLY
CREATIVE ABOUT JOURNALISM.

I MEAN, ALL YOU DO IS
REGURGITATE FACTS.

OH.

IF I WERE GOING TO BE A
WRITER, I'D RATHER DO A NOVEL.

AT LEAST PEOPLE DON'T TRAIN
THEIR PUPPIES ON MOBY-DICK.

CAROL,

I CAN UNDERSTAND
YOU BEING ANGRY AT ME

FOR MY CRITICISM
OF YOUR ARTICLE.

WHY SHOULD I BE ANGRY?

SIMMONS GAVE ME THE JOB.

I KNOW.

I KNOW, AND I GUESS
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS...

WELL, HONEY, IT'S ALWAYS TRICKY

GIVING CRITICISM TO
SOMEONE YOU LOVE

AND I GUESS I JUST DIDN'T
DO A VERY GOOD JOB.

OBVIOUSLY, SIMMONS WAS
VERY HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU DID

AND I'M GLAD THAT I WAS WRONG.

NO.

PARDON ME?

I SAID NO, OK? ARE YOU HAPPY?

HE SAID EVERYTHING
YOU SAID, ONLY WORSE.

HE SAID MY ARTICLE WAS

"REPLETE WITH STINKIOSITY."

BUT YOU SAID THAT
YOU GOT THE JOB.

YEAH, THAT WAS ONLY 'CAUSE
ALL THE OTHER ARTICLES

WERE REPLETER WITH STINKIOSITY.

OH, HONEY, I AM SO SORRY.

HE SAID HE DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT MUCULENCE WAS.

WELL, THAT'S...

THAT'S JUST HIS
STUPIDITY, SWEETHEART.

EVERYBODY KNOWS
WHAT MUCULENCE IS.

I'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO WRITE LIKE YOU.

OH, OH, HOLD ON. HOLD ON, HONEY.

THAT'S JUST NOT TRUE.

NOW MAYBE YOU WERE
REACHING A LITTLE,

BUT YOU HAVE GREAT
NATURAL ABILITY.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.

HEY,

DIDN'T I ESTABLISH
MYSELF LAST NIGHT

AS SOMEONE WHO ISN'T
AFRAID TO TELL THE TRUTH?

YEAH.

EVEN IF IT DOES MEAN
CRUSHING A LITTLE KID'S EGO.

DO YOU REALLY THINK I
MIGHT HAVE NATURAL ABILITY?

I DUG THIS OUT OF THE
ATTIC THIS AFTERNOON.

AND I THOUGHT THAT YOU
MIGHT LIKE TO TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

THE LETTER I WROTE
FROM CAMP 5 YEARS AGO?

MMM-HMM.

READ IT.

"DEAR MOM AND DAD,

"CAMP IS FUN.

"EXCEPT FOR THE RASH I GOT

"WHEN I TRIED TO FIND OUT
WHAT POISON SUMAC LOOKS LIKE.

"EXCEPT FOR THE
KIDS TEASING ANYONE

"WHO'S SMALL OR
FAT OR LEFT-HANDED.

"EXCEPT FOR MISSING
YOU AND BABY BEN.

"AND EVEN MIKE A LITTLE,
BUT DON'T TELL HIM.

"BRING MY CHEMISTRY SET AND
POTATO CHIPS ON VISITING DAY.

LOVE, CAROL."

THAT'S NOT SO GOOD.

HEY.

DIDN'T WE BRING YOUR CHEMISTRY
SET AND YOUR POTATO CHIPS?

YEAH.

THEN YOU GOT YOUR POINT ACROSS.

YEAH.

YEAH.

YEAH, I SEE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

GOOD.

BUT I STILL THINK IT
COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER.

NOW, WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

WELL, AS I REMEMBER,
YOU BROUGHT MIKE, TOO.

AND THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

COMING AROUND THE FINAL
TURN, IT'S NAIL BITER BY 18 LENGTHS.

RUNNING A DISTANT
SECOND IS SLIM'S FROG

WITH ARNOLD'S DREAM
DATE IN THIRD POSITION.

NAIL BITER! YEAH, NAIL BITER!

AND IT'S NAIL BITER
BY 20 LENGTHS.

GO, NAIL BITER!

AND NAIL BITER'S
AT THE FINAL POLE,

AND HE MUST BE A
FULL 25 LENGTHS AHEAD.

THAT HORSE COULD
WALK IN FROM HERE.

GO, NAIL BITER!

I'LL NEVER HAVE TO WORK AGAIN!

UH-OH,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WAIT A MINUTE.

THERE'S BEEN AN ACCIDENT.

NAIL BITER HAS TRIPPED
AND GONE DOWN.

THE HORSE IS ON THE GROUND.

IN ALL MY YEARS AT THE TRACK,

I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

GET UP, GET UP! GET UP!

A FOOT FROM THE FINISH LINE,

MAYBE 2 FEET,

AND THE JOCKEY IS TRYING TO
DRAG THE HORSE ACROSS THE FINISH.

WELL, PICK HIM UP AND CARRY HIM.

THIS IS AMAZING.

A 94-POUND MAN

TRYING TO DRAG A
RACEHORSE BY ONE LEG!

HE'S TOO SMALL!

PULL HIM! PULL HIM!

COME ON, YOU LITTLE
MUNCHKIN, GRAB HIM!

LOOK OUT!

COMING UP ON THE
OUTSIDE IS SLIM'S FROG.

AND THE WINNER IS

SLIM'S FROG!

IT WAS JUST...

I HOPE YOU BOYS HAVE
LEARNED YOUR LESSON.

OH, LOOKIT HERE.

"X-RAYS REVEAL THAT NAIL BITER
SUFFERED A FRACTURED FIBULA.

OH.

"TRAINER JIM SHEPHERD
IMMEDIATELY ANNOUNCED

THAT HIS PRIZE THOROUGHBRED
WOULD BE PUT OUT TO STUD."

WHAT'S STUD?

MOM.

WELL, BEN, UH,

SOMETIMES WHEN A
BOY HORSE GETS HURT

THEY USE HIM TO GET LOTS AND
LOTS OF GIRL HORSES PREGNANT.

THAT'S VERY GOOD.

MY LEG!