Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 18 - Reputation - full transcript

(man on stereo) ♪ I WANT TO
TALK TO MY LITTLE WILD ONE ♪

♪ AND I WANT TO ROCK
WITH MY LITTLE WILD ONE ♪

♪ ALL MY LIFE IS A
HOLLOW DISPLAY ♪

♪ WHEN I'M AWAY FROM
MY LITTLE WILD ONE ♪

THE COMMANDER OF THE
CONFEDERATE ARMY WAS

♪ RIGHT DOWN TO HER SHOES ♪

BRUCE LEE.

♪ SHE'S A LITTLE WILD ONE ♪

"ROBERT E. LEE."

CLOSE.

THE CIVIL WAR STARTED IN 1861



AND LASTED

FAR TOO LONG.

"1865."

AH!

YOU ARE SO COOL.

YOU TALKING TO ME?

I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE.

[banging on door]

LEAVE ME ALONE.

I'M TRYING TO STUDY, SCUZZBALL.

SCUZZBALL?

UH, SORRY, DAD,
THOUGHT YOU WERE BEN.

I'D NEVER CALL YOU
SCUZZBALL TO YOUR FACE.

MIKE, YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
BE CLEANING UP YOUR ROOM.



I DID.

NICE.

♪ SHE'S MINE TILL THE
LAST DAY RUNS DOWN ♪

THAT MUSIC A LITTLE LOUD?

OH, ABSOLUTELY.

♪ LITTLE WILD ONE ♪

DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M TRYING TO STUDY HERE.

OH, WELL, I SURELY DON'T WANT
TO INTERFERE WITH A STUDY METHOD

THAT HAS BROUGHT YOU TO THE
BRINK OF FAILURE THIS YEAR, MIKE.

BUT FOR THE SAKE OF THE PLASTER
ON THE LIVING ROOM CEILING,

I'D LIKE YOU TO STUDY
FOR THIS HISTORY TEST

WITHOUT ANY LOUD DISTRACTIONS.

I DON'T KNOW, DAD,

ALL THAT SILENCE COULD
REALLY THROW ME OFF.

UH, LET'S RISK IT.

COME ON, JUST YOU AND THIS
BOOK FOR ONE SOLID HOUR.

WHA... WHAT'S THIS?

ARE YOU PRESSURING
ME FOR A GOOD GRADE?

NO, I'M A REALIST, MIKE.

I'M PRESSURING YOU
FOR A PASSING GRADE.

COME ON, YOU'VE BEEN
SQUEAKING THROUGH

AMERICAN HISTORY
ALL YEAR WITH A 67.

68.

OH, PARDON ME.

COME ON. LOOK, WITH THIS EXAM

YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO
REALLY IMPROVE ON THAT.

WHY DON'T YOU AIM FOR THE STARS?

70.75!

DAD, I GET THE FEELING

YOU DON'T THINK I
KNOW THIS STUFF.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN
WAS ASSASSINATED...

TRUE.

WELL, A VERY WISE
MAN ONCE SAID, MIKE,

THAT, "THOSE WHO DO
NOT KNOW THEIR HISTORY

ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT."

YOU MEAN LIKE IN SUMMER SCHOOL?

EXACTLY.

♪ SHE MOVES, SHE'S
A LITTLE WILD ONE ♪

♪ RIGHT DOWN TO HER SHOES,
SHE'S A LITTLE WILD ONE ♪

ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS ASSASSINATED

♪ AND CRAWL THROUGH HELL ♪

WHILE HE WAS STILL ALIVE.

♪ SHOW ME THAT SMILE AGAIN ♪

♪ DON'T WASTE ANOTHER
MINUTE ON YOUR CRYIN' ♪

♪ WE'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE END ♪

♪ THE BEST IS READY TO BEGIN ♪

♪ AS LONG AS WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪

♪ WE GOT THE WORLD
SPINNIN' RIGHT IN OUR HANDS ♪

♪ BABY, YOU AND ME ♪

♪ WE GOTTA BE ♪

♪ THE LUCKIEST DREAMERS
WHO NEVER QUIT DREAMIN' ♪

♪ AS LONG AS WE KEEP ON GIVIN' ♪

♪ WE CAN TAKE ANYTHING
THAT COMES OUR WAY ♪

♪ BABY, RAIN OR SHINE ♪

♪ ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪

♪ SHARIN' THE
LAUGHTER AND LOVE ♪

JASON.

LOOK.

WELL, MIKE'S STILL STUDYING.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

LOOKS LIKE I ACTUALLY
GOT THROUGH TO HIM.

YEAH, YEAH, THAT MUST BE IT.

YOU PROBABLY GOT HIM SO FIRED UP

HE'S DIZZY WITH THE
THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE.

OK, JUST LISTEN.

MIKE?

(Mike) YEAH?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHY?

I'M CURIOUS. ARE
YOU STILL STUDYING?

YEAH. THERE'S NO WAY
I'M GONNA FLUNK THIS TEST.

JASON, THERE'S SOMEBODY IN
THAT ROOM IMITATING MIKE'S VOICE.

(Mike) OH, VERY FUNNY, MOM.

MIKE, THE ANSWER?

I'M VERY CLOSE.

OH, COME ON, I'M TIRED.

HEY, THIS IS NO
PICNIC FOR ME EITHER.

A GENERAL.

JUST NAME ANY AMERICAN GENERAL.

GENERAL

MOTORS.

THAT'S IT. I'M GOING TO BED.

BED?

COME ON, HOW CAN YOU THINK
OF BED AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

WATCHING YOU WALLOW IN YOUR
IGNORANCE IS TOO DEMORALIZING.

GOOD NIGHT.

OK, WELL, IF YOU'RE SO GOOD
AT IT, HOW DO YOU STUDY?

IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

I READ THE MATERIAL
WHEN IT'S ASSIGNED,

I UNDERLINE THE KEY PHRASES,

I TAKE CAREFUL NOTES,
AND I QUIZ MYSELF.

UNDERLINING.

HI.

HI, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

OH, I WAS UP LATE STUDYING.

DO YOU HAVE A TEST, TOO?

NO.

SEE, MIKE COULD LEARN
SOMETHING FROM HER.

NO, HE COULDN'T.

WELL, BYE. BYE.

WELL, I HATE TO EAT AND RUN.

HEY, YOU DIDN'T EVEN
FINISH YOUR EGGS.

WELL, WHAT I ATE
WAS VERY FILLING.

COME ON. YOU DON'T
HAVE TO GIVE ME THAT.

YOU DON'T HAVE
TO MAKE UP A STORY.

IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE YOUR
BREAKFAST, JUST SAY SO.

JASON... I CAN TAKE IT.

WELL, I... GO AHEAD, SAY IT.

IT WAS YUCK.

OK, THEN.

THAT'S BETTER.

JUST KIDDING. BYE-BYE.

ALL OF IT OR JUST THE EGGS?

THOSE WERE EGGS?

OK, SAY GOOD MORNING
TO GOD'S GIFT TO HISTORY.

[chuckling]

WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE A GUY WHO'S
READY FOR A BIG HISTORY TEST.

READY. I AM NOT JUST READY, DAD.

I HAVE GOT IT ALL: NAMES,
DATES, EVERYTHING.

I THINK TODAY WILL
GO DOWN IN HISTORY

AS THE DAY MIKE
SEAVER TURNS A CORNER.

FEBRUARY 20, 1986.

IT'S FEBRUARY 25.

HEY, DAD.

HI, BEN.

THIS IS BREAKFAST?

YES.

WHAT'S FOR LUNCH?

A SURPRISE.

UH-OH.

I HATE SURPRISES.

WHY IS DAD FEEDING ME SHOES?

UH, BEN, THAT'S MY BAG.

WHY IS DAD FEEDING YOU SHOES?

BEN, COME ON,
GIVE IT. I NEED THAT.

"ROBERT E. LEE,
STONEWALL JACKSON,

APPOMATTOX COURT HOUSE."

YEAH, YEAH, THEY'RE MY BUDDIES.

UH, I HAD 'EM SIGN
'EM FOR GOOD LUCK.

YOU KNOW SOMEBODY NAMED
APPOMATTOX COURT HOUSE?

YEAH. A BLACK GUY,

CAPTAIN OF THE BASKETBALL TEAM.

UH, KARATE. I JUST
KICKED OVER A BRICK WALL.

THE ONE THING I KNOW
IS THAT I DON'T KNOW THIS.

BONE, MY MAN, YOU
WORRY TOO MUCH.

WELL, AT LEAST I'LL HAVE YOU
FOR COMPANY IN SUMMER SCHOOL.

NO, NOT THIS TIME. I
GOT THIS THING ACED.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU
ACTUALLY STUDIED THIS STUFF?

BONER, BONER, BONER.

SO YOUNG, SO NAIVE.

YOU'VE GOT CHEAT
NOTES. EDDIE, HE'S GOT...

SHH, COME ON, YOU
SAY THAT TOO LOUD

AND PEOPLE ARE GONNA
GET THE WRONG IDEA.

WHERE ARE THEY?

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT.

HERE, SEARCH ME. HERE YOU
GO, FULL-BODY STRIP SEARCH.

UH, NO, THANKS.

TEACHER! TEACHER!

ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE.

I TRUST YOU'RE ALL
SUFFICIENTLY FRIGHTENED.

IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE.

'CAUSE THIS TEST WILL COUNT

FOR A QUARTER OF
YOUR TOTAL GRADE.

A QUARTER! ONLY
YESTERDAY HE SAID 25%.

THIS IS MULTIPLE CHOICE.

YOU HAVE 30 MINUTES,

AND YOUR PAPERS WILL BE GRADED

BEFORE YOU LEAVE. YOU MAY BEGIN.

"THE FINAL NORTHERN
BATTLE OF THE CIVIL WAR WAS,

"A: BATTLE OF BULL RUN,

"B: BATTLE OF GETTYSBURG,

OR C: BATTLE OF
THE NETWORK STARS."

GETTYSBURG.

HEY, I ACTUALLY KNOW THIS STUFF!

NOW, SOME OF YOUR TEST
RESULTS DID SURPRISE ME.

FOR INSTANCE, IT WAS INTERESTING
TO LEARN FROM MR. STABONE

THAT GENERAL GRANT'S
FIRST NAME WAS LOU.

I CAN'T LOOK, I CAN'T LOOK.

I'VE GOTTA LOOK.

67! ALL RIGHT!

[bell dinging]

IN WHAT IS PERHAPS THE BIGGEST
SHOCK IN MY TEACHING CAREER,

SINCE BOYS STARTED
WEARING EARRINGS,

THE HIGHEST GRADE
IN THE CLASS, A 94,

WAS EARNED BY

MIKE SEAVER.

I AM NUMBER ONE!

(Mike and Boner) NUMBER ONE!

NUMBER ONE!

(Eddie, Boner and
Mike) NUMBER ONE!

[bell dinging] NUMBER
ONE! NUMBER ONE!

MR. SEAVER,

BEFORE WE SCHEDULE
A PRESS CONFERENCE,

I HAVE TO ASK

HOW DOES A STUDENT
WHOSE VERY NAME

HAS BECOME SYNONYMOUS
WITH THE PHRASE "D MINUS",

MANAGE SUCH A GRADE?

WHAT CAN I SAY, MR. DEWITT?

WHEN YOU GOT IT, YOU GOT IT.

(Mr. Dewitt) OH.

AND NOW I SEE WHERE YOU GOT IT.

[school bell ringing]

ARE YOU ACTUALLY
CALLING ME A CHEATER?

MR. SEAVER, DON'T TRY
TO FOOL WILLY DEWITT.

THE SHOES. NOW.

MR. DEWITT...

HAVE YOUR PARENT,
GUARDIAN, OR PAROLE OFFICER

CALL FOR AN APPOINTMENT.

THE SOONER THE BETTER.

[groaning]

HE BEAT YOU?

NO, HE JUST TOOK MY SHOES.

OH, THAT STINKS, MIKE.

YEAH, REAL BAD, TOO.

WHAT REALLY BOTHERS ME

IS THAT THIS GUY
THINKS I CHEATED.

BOY, HARD TO IMAGINE!

I MEAN, HE WOULDN'T EVEN
TAKE MY WORD THAT I DIDN'T.

[chuckling] SEAVER,
YOU REALLY ARE GOOD.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

WELL, I MEAN, HERE YOU ARE FACING
SUSPENSION AND AN "F" IN HISTORY,

AND YOU'RE COOL ENOUGH
TO PLAY IT INNOCENT.

LOOK, I AM INNOCENT!

OOH, AND OUTRAGE,
TOO. OUTRAGE IS TOUGH.

I CAN ONLY WORK UP TO
A SMALL FRENZY MYSELF.

LOOK, I DID NOT CHEAT!

NO, AND YOU DIDN'T LOOK AT THE
ANSWERS ON YOUR SHOES EVEN ONCE.

LOOK, I'M NOT KIDDIN' AROUND!

YOU KNOW, MAYBE HE'S
GOT THE ROOM BUGGED.

OF COURSE, MIKE, YOU
WOULD NEVER CHEAT.

LOOK, I DID NOT CHEAT,

AND I'M TIRED OF YOU
GUYS SAYIN' THAT I DID!

[bell dings] YOU GOT IT?

(man on T.V.) 5
NIGHTS THIS WEEK,

THE STORY THAT HAD
ALL AMERICA READING,

WILL HAVE ALL AMERICA WATCHING.

AT 18, SHE WAS A NUN.

AT 21, AN ACROBAT.

AT 37, THE MISTRESS
OF A PRESIDENT.

JOAN COLLINS IS...

OLD.

HI, MIKE.

HI.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

HOW DO YOU KNOW
SOMETHING'S THE MATTER?

BECAUSE YOU
DIDN'T SAY, "HI, FIDO,"

"HI, SKUNK-BREATH,"
OR "HI, NERD-FACE."

SO, WHAT IS IT?

CAROL, I'M LIVING A NIGHTMARE.

I MEAN, NOBODY BELIEVES ME.

NOT BONER, NOT EDDIE,
NOT CHEECH, NOT MURRAY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

MR. DEWITT ACCUSED ME OF
CHEATING ON MY HISTORY EXAM.

YOU PASSED!

YEAH, I PASSED.

IN FACT, I GOT THE HIGHEST
GRADE IN THE CLASS.

94.

OH, OH, IS THIS YOUR WAY OF
SAYING YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME EITHER?

STOP! OH, OH, FINE.

DON'T BELIEVE ME,
SKUNK-BREATH! FIDO!

NERD-FACE!

[Carol laughing]

MOM! DAD! HOW GREAT TO SEE YOU!

HEY. IS HE TALKING TO US?

I MEAN, JUST KNOWING THAT
I CAN COUNT ON YOU GUYS

MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY.

OH, THE GIDDINESS IS
COMPLETELY MUTUAL, MIKE.

HEY, YOU'RE WELCOME.

DO YOU HAVE A FEVER?

MOM.

SAY, MAGGIE, YOU DON'T SUPPOSE

THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH
HIS RECENT HISTORY TEST, DO YOU?

YOU KNOW, I'M DARN GLAD
YOU BROUGHT THAT UP, DAD.

I'D BETTER SIT DOWN.

WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, THERE'S NOT TOO MUCH
TO BE SAID ABOUT THE TEST ITSELF.

UH, SAY IT ANYWAY.

I PASSED.

COMPLETELY?

(Mike) YEAH.

HEY, ALL RIGHT, MIKE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

I KNEW THAT THAT LITTLE
EXTRA STUDYING WOULD PAY OFF.

OH, THANKS.

BUT I DO HAVE SOME BAD NEWS,

AND I THINK YOU BETTER
SIT DOWN FOR THIS, DAD.

JUST SAY WHAT IT IS, MIKE.

I HAVE A FEELING YOU SHOULD SIT.

NOW WHAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU

IS GOING TO GET BOTH
OF YOU QUITE ANGRY,

AND YOU WILL BE OUTRAGED
AT THE SHODDY TREATMENT

I HAVE RECEIVED FROM MR. DEWITT.

BUT I WANT YOUR WORD THAT YOU'RE
NOT GONNA GO OFF HALF-COCKED

TRYING TO GET THIS
GUY FIRED OR SOMETHING.

I PROMISE TO BE
FULLY-COCKED, MIKE.

NOW, MR. DEWITT ACCUSED ME

OF CHEATING.

NOW JUST CALM DOWN!

I'M IN CONTROL.

I DID NOT CHEAT!

NOW WHY WOULD
MR. DEWITT THINK THAT?

YOU KNOW, I HAVE
BEEN ASKING MYSELF

THAT SAME QUESTION
ALL AFTERNOON.

WELL, WHAT'D YOU
COME UP WITH, MIKE?

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS HE DIDN'T
EXPECT ME TO DO THAT WELL ON THE TEST.

WELL? YOU DID WELL? HE DID WELL.

HOW WELL?

I RARELY PAY ATTENTION
TO THE GRADES.

WHAT'D YOU GET? 70?

UH. 75?

WELL... 80?

SEE... 85?

ACTUALLY... 90?

4.94!

WHY, MICHAEL SEAVER,
I'M ASHAMED OF YOU!

HOW COULD YOU CHEAT?

I DID NOT CHEAT.

IS THIS 94 OUT OF 100?

I SWEAR TO YOU I DID NOT CHEAT.

DAD, I GIVE YOU MY
WORD OF HONOR.

WELL, UH, I BELIEVE YOU.

REALLY? REALLY?

WELL, IF OUR SON GIVES US HIS
WORD, WE'VE GOTTA BELIEVE HIM.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I BELIEVE YOU, MIKE.

WELL, THANKS.

I KNEW I COULD
COUNT ON YOU GUYS.

I AM SORRY FOR
EVERY MISERABLE THING

I'VE EVER DONE TO MAKE
YOUR WORLD A LIVING HELL.

AND I'M SORRY I
DOUBTED YOU, MIKE,

BUT IT'S A TOUGH
STORY TO BELIEVE

IF YOU PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES.

MOM'S SHOES AREN'T BIG
ENOUGH FOR ALL THE ANSWERS.

ALL RIGHT, THE
SHOES. THANKS, BENNY.

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU
GUYS THE FUNNIEST PART.

YOU GUYS ARE GONNA LOVE THIS.

[knock on door]

(Ben) MIKE?

BENEDICT ARNOLD.

NO, BEN SEAVER.

GET AWAY.

WANT SOME DINNER?

NO, I AM NO LONGER
EATING THE FOOD

THAT HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY
THE PEOPLE WHO THINK I'M A LIAR.

THEN WHAT ARE THOSE?

OK, SO I'M EASING INTO IT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ANYWAY?

MIKE, I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET
YOU IN SUCH BIG TROUBLE.

UH, IT'S OK.

I KNEW THE SHOES WOULD
BE TOO MUCH FOR THEM.

IT'S BEEN LIKE THAT ALL DAY.

EVERYBODY AT SCHOOL, EVEN BONER.

I MEAN, LAST YEAR I ACTUALLY
CONVINCED THE MAN I WAS AN ALIEN.

BEN, PEOPLE ARE ACTING
LIKE THEY EXPECT ME TO CHEAT.

LIKE I'M THAT KIND
OF LOW SCUZZBALL.

I BELIEVE YOU.

WHAT?

WHATEVER YOU SAY I BELIEVE IT,

WHETHER IT'S THE TRUTH OR NOT.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING WEIRD.

THAT MOMENT WHEN
MOM AND DAD BELIEVED ME,

EVERYTHING WAS OK.

MY GOD!

I ACTUALLY CARE WHAT
THEY THINK ABOUT ME.

I CARE WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT ME.

WELL, YOU'RE 9.

THAT'S OK TO FEEL THAT WAY AT 9.

BUT I'M 15. I'M SUPPOSED TO
THINK MY PARENTS ARE SCUM.

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

IT'S ON T.V. ALL THE TIME.

I BELIEVE YOU.

[crickets chirping]

THERE YOU ARE.

YOU'RE GONNA FREEZE OUT HERE.

MMM.

NO, I'VE GOT MY ANGER
TO KEEP ME WARM.

COULD YOU SHARE SOME WITH ME?

JASON, I HAVE
SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

NOW I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU,

BUT SINCE YOU'RE
FEELING BETRAYED BY MIKE,

I FIGURE YOU'D NEED
SOME GOOD NEWS.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY MIKE'S FATHER.

THAT'S BETTER.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT
I'VE BEEN THINKING?

THAT WHEN MIKE LOOKED
YOU IN THE EYE AND LIED,

IT MADE YOU QUESTION YOUR WHOLE
APPROACH TO TEACHING OUR KIDS

THE VALUE OF TRUTH AND HONESTY.

AND YOU'RE WONDERING

IF INSTEAD OF ENCOURAGING
THEM BY EXAMPLE,

A LITTLE FEAR OF PUNISHMENT MIGHT
HAVE BEEN EVEN MORE EFFECTIVE.

AND YOU'RE PROBABLY REMEMBERING
THE TIME WHEN MIKE WAS 8

AND HE LIED ABOUT FINGER-PAINTING
THE NEW RUG, AND I WANTED TO SPANK HIM

BUT YOU CONVINCED ME THAT
REASONING WITH HIM WAS BETTER.

HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

OH, IT'S NOT ALL THAT AMAZING.

I BET YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M THINKING RIGHT NOW.

WELL, YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING

THAT NO MATTER HOW
DISAPPOINTED WE BOTH ARE IN MIKE,

THAT WE LOVE HIM
DEARLY. MMM-HMM.

AND THAT WE'LL DO OUR BEST

TO MOLD HIM INTO AN HONEST MAN.

MMM-HMM.

AND THAT EVEN IF WE FAIL,

HE CAN ALWAYS HAVE A
PRODUCTIVE LIFE IN POLITICS.

[birds chirping]

MIKE, MR. DEWITT WILL
GO A LOT EASIER ON YOU,

IF YOU JUST ADMIT WHAT YOU DID.

I DON'T CARE.

WELL, WE DO.

COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST PRETEND

THAT YOU CARE WHAT WE THINK?

SURE, BUT NOBODY'LL BELIEVE ME.

BUT WHY SHOULD ANYONE?

BECAUSE I DIDN'T CHEAT.

FORGET IT. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

WELL, SHOULD WE HAVE BELIEVED
YOU BACK IN THE 7TH GRADE

WHEN YOU TRIED TO TELL US
THAT THE "D" ON YOUR REPORT CARD

STOOD FOR "DARN GOOD"?

AND WHAT ABOUT IN THE 8TH GRADE

WHEN YOU TOLD THE SCHOOL

YOUR NAME WAS SEAVERMAN SO YOU
COULD TAKE THE JEWISH HOLIDAYS OFF?

AND, MIKE, JUST THIS WEEK...

OK, OK.

ALL RIGHT, SOMETIMES

I LIE.

BUT THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN BEING A LIAR AND BEING A LIAR.

I MEAN, YOU GUYS SHOULD
KNOW WHEN I'M TELLING THE TRUTH.

WHAT KIND OF PARENTS
ARE YOU ANYWAY?

DISAPPOINTED.

YOU WANNA KNOW THE TRUTH?

OK, I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

YEAH, I WAS GOING TO CHEAT.

I... I FIGURED IT
WAS THE ONLY WAY.

SO I WAS UP HALF THE NIGHT

COPYING ALL THAT
STUFF ONTO MY SHOES

'CAUSE I HAD TO PASS THE TEST.

BUT SOMEHOW IT DIDN'T
JUST GO ON MY SHOES.

IT GOT IN MY HEAD, TOO.

IT SURE BLEW ME AWAY.

BUT WHEN IT CAME TIME
TO LOOK FOR THE ANSWERS,

I DIDN'T HAVE TO.

I KNEW 'EM.

WELL, I'D LIKE TO
BELIEVE YOU, MIKE.

YEAH.

YOU HAVE TO ADMIT
YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY

THE KIND OF GUY
WHO HAS A REPUTATION

FOR KNOWING THINGS LIKE ABRAHAM
LINCOLN WAS THE 17TH PRESIDENT.

YEAH, HE WAS THE
16TH PRESIDENT, DAD.

YES, GRANT WAS 17TH.

NO, GRANT WAS THE 18TH.

SEE, JOHNSON WAS 17TH.

HE BECAME PRESIDENT AFTER
LINCOLN WAS ASSASSINATED

ON APRIL 14, 1865.

DR. AND MRS. SEAVER,
I'M WILLIS DEWITT.

GLAD YOU COULD COME.

WHY DON'T WE GET
RIGHT DOWN TO BUSINESS?

ABSOLUTELY.

MIKE DID NOT CHEAT ON
THIS EXAMINATION, MR. DEWITT,

AND IT'S IMPORTANT
THAT WE CLEAR THAT UP.

AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
SO EASY FOR HIM TO DO,

WHAT WITH ALL THE ANSWERS
WRITTEN ON THE BOTTOM OF HIS SHOES.

I WANT TO THANK YOU, MR. DEWITT,

FOR LETTING MIKE
TAKE THIS MAKE-UP TEST.

NO PROBLEM.

I THINK HE'S LEARNED NOW
THAT INTENDING TO CHEAT

WAS JUST AS BAD
AS CHEATING ITSELF.

THAT'S WHAT MY
EX-WIFE SAID IN COURT.

SHH, HE'S TRYING TO TAKE A TEST.

WHAT'S ON TONIGHT?

IT'S THE 2ND NIGHT OF THAT
JOAN COLLINS MINI-SERIES.

THAT MIGHT BE
INTERESTING. MMM-HMM.

TONIGHT JOAN LEAVES THE
POPE TO MARRY A BRICKLAYER.

MIKE'LL BE SORRY
HE'S MISSING THAT ONE.

WHERE IS MIKE ANYWAY? I
HAVEN'T SEEN HIM ALL EVENING.

WELL, HE'S UPSTAIRS STUDYING
FOR HIS FRENCH TEST TOMORROW.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY THINK WE
GOT THROUGH TO HIM THIS TIME.

(man on stereo) ♪ I WANT TO
TALK TO MY LITTLE WILD ONE ♪