Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 17 - Charity Begins at Home - full transcript

[music playing on T.V.]

(Carol) MIKE.

MIKE.

MIKE! I'M TRYING TO
TALK ON THE PHONE.

OH, RIGHT. I DIDN'T EVEN
NOTICE, CAROL. I'M SORRY.

[music playing loudly]

NEAT!

(Carol) MICHAEL!

OH!

[whistles]

[music stops]



[machine whirring]

HI, GUYS.

(all) GOOD AFTERNOON, FATHER.

OH, IT'S ALLOWANCE DAY.

IT IS?

OH?

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

YOU KIDS REALLY
THINK YOU CAN CON ME.

OH, I'M SORRY, FATHER, I
COULDN'T HEAR YOU. I WAS DUSTING.

PLEASE. OK, OK. HERE'S
YOUR BLOOD MONEY.

(Mike) ALL RIGHT.

JUST DON'T THINK FOR A
MINUTE I BOUGHT INTO YOUR ACT,

AND THANKS FOR GOING TO THE
TROUBLE OF TRYING TO DECEIVE ME.

OH, ANYTIME.



AND IT WARMS MY HEART

TO KNOW THAT THIS
ROOM WILL BE CLEAN

AND THE LAUNDRY NEATLY FOLDED
BY THE TIME YOUR MOM GETS HOME.

HEY, DAD, YOU
GAVE ME TOO MUCH...

SHH! SHH!

ME, TOO. HE GAVE ME DOUBLE.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

HEY, I DON'T LIKE THIS.

SOMETHING SMELLS ROTTEN.

[sniffing]

IT'S BEN.

NO, IT'S FEBRUARY.

REMEMBER?

[Mike and Carol exclaiming]

YEAH, YEAH, IT'S DAD'S
ANNUAL BIRTHDAY SCAM.

THE OLD MAN THINKS HE'S GOING TO
CON US INTO SPENDIN' ALL THIS ON HIM.

POOR GUY.

SO, CAROL, WHAT ARE
YOU GOING TO GET HIM?

I'M NOT TELLING.

WHAT, ANOTHER PREPPY SHIRT
LIKE YOU GET HIM EVERY YEAR?

HOW, OH, HOW, WILL
I EVER TOP THAT?

WELL, I'VE GOT THE
PERFECT PRESENT.

WHAT?

I'M GIVING DAD THE ASHTRAY
I CREATED IN SCHOOL.

GREAT PRESENT FOR A
GUY WHO DOESN'T SMOKE.

YEAH, WELL, WHAT... WHAT
ARE YOU GOING TO GET HIM?

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS
READY FOR THIS?

SURE.

A BOOK.

DAD ALREADY HAS A BOOK.

OH, MY GOD, THAT'S RIGHT.

♪ SHOW ME THAT SMILE AGAIN ♪

♪ DON'T WASTE ANOTHER
MINUTE ON YOUR CRYIN' ♪

♪ WE'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE END ♪

♪ THE BEST IS READY TO BEGIN ♪

♪ AS LONG AS WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪

♪ WE GOT THE WORLD
SPINNIN' RIGHT IN OUR HANDS ♪

♪ BABY, YOU AND ME ♪

♪ WE GOT TO BE ♪

♪ THE LUCKIEST DREAMERS
WHO NEVER QUIT DREAMIN' ♪

♪ AS LONG AS WE KEEP ON GIVIN' ♪

♪ WE CAN TAKE ANYTHING
THAT COMES OUR WAY ♪

♪ BABY, RAIN OR SHINE ♪

♪ ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪

♪ SHARIN' THE
LAUGHTER AND LOVE ♪

♪ I WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY
I WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ I WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M SUCH A COOL GUY ♪

[vacuum cleaner humming]

HI, SWEETHEART.

OH, HI, HONEY.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

OOH, MY DAY.

LISTEN, THE OLD MIRACLE-WORKER
HERE HAD A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH

WITH A PATIENT I'VE BEEN
TREATING FOR 2 YEARS NOW.

IS THAT THE VACUUM CLEANER?

YEAH. YEAH, THE
KIDS ARE CLEANING.

SO, ANYWAY, THIS PATIENT...

ALL OF THEM?

YEAH. SO LET ME TELL
YOU ABOUT THIS GUY.

NOW, HE WAS TERRIFIED
OF HIS OWN BODILY FLUIDS...

HOW DID YOU GET THEM TO DO IT?

I'M A MASTER COMMUNICATOR.

SO HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

OH, FAIR.

HMM, NOTHING EXCITING HAPPENED
WITH ANY OF YOUR PATIENTS?

NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

SO HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

OH, FANTASTIC.

FRED MATHIS CALLED
ME INTO HIS OFFICE

AND ASSIGNED ME AN ENTIRE
SERIES FOR NEXT WEEK.

REALLY?

"LET'S GET SERIOUS
ABOUT RAW SEWAGE."

WOW!

I'M SO EXCITED.

DIDN'T YOU ALREADY DO
A STORY ABOUT WASTE?

WELL, I GUESS WHEN THEY THINK
OF SEWAGE, THEY THINK OF ME.

SO, ANYWAY, I'M REALLY GOING TO
HAVE MY HANDS FULL THIS WEEKEND.

THIS WEEKEND? MMM-HMM.

SATURDAY? YEP.

FEBRUARY THE 8TH?

YES. WHY? DO WE HAVE
PLANS I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?

NO,

[chuckles]

UNLESS IT JUST MIGHT BE A
SPECIAL DAY FOR SOMEONE.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN?

PRESIDENTS' DAY.

SO HOW WAS YOUR DAY, SWEETHEART?

ALL RIGHT NOW, CAROL, IF
WE BOTH KEEP OUR HEADS,

WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS
BIRTHDAY WITHOUT LOSING OUR SHIRTS.

OH, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN
TO MENTION SHIRTS, CAROL.

SO, UM,

HOW MUCH YOU SPENDING?

I DON'T KNOW. HOW
MUCH YOU GONNA SPEND?

AS MUCH AS IT TAKES.

OK, BUT NOT OVER $10.

$10? I ONLY GET $2 A WEEK.

OK, I CAN LIVE WITH $10.

OF COURSE, WITH A CARD IT
MIGHT COST A LITTLE MORE.

DID I SAY $10?

CAROL.

MIKE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. $11.

$12. $12.50.

$15. CAROL.

[clucking]

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, OK. $25.

$40.

$200.

[screaming]

NOW, I KNOW IT'S
NOT VALENTINE'S DAY.

THAT'S THE 14TH.

I SAID NEVER MIND.

OH, COME ON,
JASON, GIVE ME A HINT.

NO, IF I HAVE TO
DO THAT, IT RUINS IT.

HI, PUNKINHEAD.

UH-HUH.

WELL, BEN. YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.

WOULD YOU PLEASE REMIND YOUR
MOTHER EXACTLY WHAT SATURDAY IS?

UM, GROUNDHOG'S DAY?

THAT DOES IT.

I'M GOING TO MY OFFICE WHERE
PEOPLE NOT ONLY APPRECIATE ME,

THEY LIGHT CANDLES
ON THE DAY I WAS BORN.

[both laughing]

YOU'D THINK AFTER 17 YEARS,

HE'D KNOW THAT I WOULDN'T
FORGET HIS BIRTHDAY.

WOW, BEN. YOU FOLDED
THIS ALL BY YOUR...

WHO DROOLED ALL
OVER THE LAUNDRY?

YOU GOT A MINUTE, MOM?

OH, SURE, HONEY.

I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO
GET DAD ANYTHING GOOD THIS YEAR.

WELL, DIDN'T HE DOUBLE
YOUR ALLOWANCE THIS WEEK?

YEAH, BUT

YOU CAN'T GET ANYTHING
FOR $4, NOWADAYS.

WHERE YOU BEEN?

OH, HONEY, IT'S NOT
HOW MUCH YOU SPEND.

TELL THAT TO MIKE AND CAROL.

LOOK, BEN,

I CAN'T AFFORD TO GET YOUR
FATHER THAT MERCEDES 450SL

HE'S ALWAYS WANTED.

SO I'M GETTING HIM
A NICE FISHING ROD,

AND HE KNOWS I LOVE
HIM, SO HE'LL LOVE IT.

[snickering]

I HOPE.

OH, I KNOW!

FOR $4, YOU CAN
GET HIM SOME WORMS.

GET REAL, MOM.

I MIGHT AS WELL JUST GIVE
HIM THE STUPID ASHTRAY I MADE.

WELL, THAT WOULD BE FINE, PUNK,

AS LONG AS IT COMES
FROM YOUR HEART.

IT LOOKS LIKE MY HEART.

BEN, YOUR FATHER
IS NOT EXPECTING

A BIG EXPENSIVE GIFT FROM YOU.

HE ISN'T?

NO.

HE DOESN'T CARE
WHAT YOU GET HIM.

GREAT.

(woman on T.V.) ON
THE WEDDING NIGHT,

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT
TO RECOGNIZE THAT

THE COUPLE MUST
COMMUNICATE THEIR DESIRES,

AND TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU
CANNOT READ A CLOSED BOOK.

(male announcer) HOW OFTEN HAVE
YOU SAT DOWN TO CARVE A TURKEY

AND FOUND YOURSELF
WITH A DULL KNIFE?

NEVER.

(minister) TRUST IN THE LORD,

AND ALL OF YOUR NEEDS
WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF, FOR...

[music playing]

(Road Runner) BEEP, BEEP.

[guns firing]

(minister) THE POWER OF PRAYER.

BE NOT AFRAID TO GET
DOWN ON YOUR KNEES

AND ASK GOD FOR ANYTHING.

HE SHALL PROVIDE.

♪ [organ playing]

HELLO, GOD?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I HAPPEN TO BE
PRAYING FOR MONEY.

BEN, YOU CAN'T PRAY FOR MONEY.

BELIEVE ME, I'VE TRIED.

YOU ACTUALLY THINK GOD'S GONNA
SEND YOU A CHECK OR SOMETHING?

[doorbell rings]

AMEN.

♪ [humming]

MONEY FOR THE NEEDY?

THANKS.

[doorbell ringing]

[banging on door]

GIVE ME THAT, YOU LITTLE BANDIT!

BUT I'M NEEDY.

I'M NOT GIVING MONEY AWAY.

I'M COLLECTING IT.

WISE UP.

FOR A MINUTE THERE, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE ONTO SOMETHING.

BUT I NEED MONEY!

HEY, JOIN THE CLUB.

BUT THIS IS LIFE OR DEATH.

WHOSE? MINE.

I'M BUSY. MIKE!

OK, OK. ALL RIGHT, LOOK, BEN.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS CAN
AND GO FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE.

WITH YOUR PATHETIC LOOK,
YOU'LL PROBABLY MAKE A FORTUNE.

THANKS, MIKE!

(choir on T.V.) ♪ AMEN ♪

AND THANK YOU, GOD.

(all) ♪ AND MANY MORE ♪

[all cheering]

AH, THANKS. YOU
GUYS DIDN'T FOOL ME.

I KNEW ALL ALONG YOU REMEMBERED.

REMEMBERED WHAT?

LOOK AT THIS CAKE. THIS IS...

IT'S A RAGING INFERNO.

BLOW OUT THE CANDLES!

(Mike) YEAH. I'M
BURNING UP IN HERE, DAD.

ALL RIGHT.

I KNOW WHAT TO WISH FOR.

[all cheering]

WELL, NOT BAD FOR AN OLD GEEZER.

WELL, THE WISH DIDN'T
WORK. YOU'RE STILL HERE.

HERE, DAD. OPEN
THE GOOD ONE FIRST.

YEAH, THANKS, CAROL.

OH, HEY, GUYS.

HOW JUVENILE.

CAROL, NOW WHY DO YOU
WANT TO DISAPPOINT THE MAN?

I MEAN, AT HIS AGE, HE
CAN'T TAKE MUCH OF THAT.

THAT SETTLES IT.

I'LL OPEN CAROL'S FIRST.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN
BE SO INSENSITIVE

ABOUT THE PROBLEMS
OF OLDER PEOPLE.

BEN, WHAT DID YOU GET ME?

UH-UH.

THE BEST SHOULD BE LAST.

WELL, WILL YOU JUST
OPEN SOMETHING?

AND THE LONGEST SHALL BE FIRST.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS CAN ALL WAIT
WHILE I OPEN SOMETHING FROM YOUR MOM.

OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.

AH, NO, I CHANGED MY
MIND, CAROL. YOU GO NEXT.

NO WAY. YOU GO NEXT.

IF YOU INSIST.

OOH.

[all exclaiming]

YES, LOOK AT THAT.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

HONEY, I LOVE IT.

I CAN TAKE IT BACK.

NO. NO, THIS IS PERFECT.

EVERY TIME I KILL A
FISH, I'LL THINK OF YOU.

JASON, THAT'S SO SWEET.

HERE, DAD, CAROL WANTS
YOU TO OPEN MY GIFT, NEXT.

GO AHEAD, DAD. YOU
COULD USE A GOOD LAUGH.

IT'S SHOES, ISN'T IT?

[laughs]

THAT'S FUNNY, DAD.

THANK YOU, BEN.

OK.

OOH, LOOK AT THIS!
"SUPERSTARS OF THE '60s."

[scoffs]

"RELIVE THE TRIUMPHS, THE
JOY, THE SPIRIT OF THE '60s."

YES. SEE, EVERYBODY ON THIS
ALBUM DIED OF A DRUG OVERDOSE.

GROOVY.

"GROOVY." THAT
MEANS HE LIKES IT.

LET'S SEE WHAT THIS IS.

I WANTED TO GET YOU SOMETHING

THAT YOU COULD ENJOY BOTH AS
A PERSON AND AS A PSYCHIATRIST.

WELL, THANK YOU.

I'M SURE THAT BOTH
OF ME WILL LOVE IT.

AND IT IS, AH,

2 TICKETS TO THE OFF-BROADWAY
PRODUCTION OF NUTS.

THAT'S SO GREAT.

OK, MY TURN.

AH, BEN. YEAH, LET'S
SEE WHAT YOU GOT ME.

TA-DA!

WOW, YOU WRAP THIS YOURSELF?

I HAD IT DONE. OH.

HOW SWEET. HE SPENT ALL
HIS MONEY ON WRAPPING.

LET'S SEE WHAT WE
GOT IN HERE, BEN.

WOW, BEN,

THIS IS FABULOUS.

[chuckling] MAGGIE, I
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

NEITHER DO I.

I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS.

OH, SURE, YOU HAD
NOTHIN' TO DO WITH IT.

JASON, I DIDN'T.

BEN...

IT DOES EVERYTHING
ALL BY ITSELF.

EVEN AN IDIOT COULD WORK IT.

BEN, WHERE'D YOU GET THIS?

AT NEWSTROM'S CAMERA STORE.

THEY THROW IN A LEATHER CASE
EVERY TIME YOU SPEND OVER $300.

ALL RIGHT, I GOTTA ASK.

WHAT KIND OF ALLOWANCE ARE
YOU GIVING THIS KID, ANYWAY?

BEN, WHERE DID
YOU GET THE MONEY?

YEAH, I'M INTERESTED.

WELL, SEE, I NEEDED MONEY.

SO I WENT AROUND TO ALL
OUR NEIGHBORS' HOUSES

AND ASKED FOR
MONEY FOR THE NEEDY.

WHOA.

BENJAMIN SEAVER, WHERE DID
YOU EVER GET AN IDEA LIKE THAT?

FROM GOD

AND MIKE.

MIKE! MIKE!

SO AS YOU CAN SEE, DAD, WHAT WE
HAVE HERE IS JUST A SIMPLE LITTLE MIX-UP.

NOW, YOUNG BEN DIDN'T
REALIZE THAT I WAS ONLY JOKING,

BUT I'M SURE THAT YOU CAN
SEE HOW THAT COULD HAPPEN,

PARTICULARLY SINCE YOU
ARE A TRAINED PSYCHIATRIST,

AND MAY I ADD, A DAMN GOOD ONE.

HOW DO YOU DO THAT
WITH A STRAIGHT FACE?

IT'S A GIFT.

OK, THAT JUNK MAY WORK ON DAD,

BUT MOM KNOWS RAW
SEWAGE WHEN SHE SEES IT.

CAROL, I AM HER FIRSTBORN.

YOU MIGHT SAY THE WOMAN
IS PUTTY IN MY HANDS.

OH?

BUT DON'T SAY THAT TO ME,

BECAUSE THAT WOMAN IS MY
MOTHER AND I RESPECT HER.

I'M CONFUSED,
BEN. I DON'T GET IT.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND

HOW YOU CAN GO DOOR
TO DOOR, LIE TO PEOPLE,

TAKE THEIR MONEY IN
THE NAME OF CHARITY,

AND NOT HAVE IT OCCUR TO YOU THAT
WHAT YOU WERE DOING WAS WRONG.

IT DID SEEM TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

HOW COULD YOU ACT SO STUPIDLY?

OH, I FORGOT. YOU GOT
THE IDEA FROM MIKE.

DID I MENTION THAT THE
CAMERA IS SELF-WINDING?

BEN.

AND AUTOMATIC FOCUS?

REALLY?

WELL, FOR ONCE I WANTED
TO GET YOU A REAL GIFT.

WELL, I KNOW THAT
AND I APPRECIATE IT

AND I... I... I THANK
YOU FOR THE THOUGHT,

BUT YOU DON'T SHOW SOMEBODY HOW MUCH YOU
LOVE THEM BY HOW MUCH YOU SPEND ON THEM,

UNLESS YOU'RE
MARRIED TO PIA ZADORA.

HUH?

NOTHING.

SO WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THIS?

YOU'RE ASKING ME?

WELL, I THINK
THAT I'D LIKE TO SEE

IF YOU CAN COME UP WITH
YOUR OWN PUNISHMENT

JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU
REALIZE HOW SERIOUS THIS IS.

ME? I GET TO PICK
WHATEVER I WANT?

I GET TO VOTE ON IT.

WELL, SOME KIDS WOULD SAY
THAT THEY'VE SUFFERED ENOUGH,

BUT NOT ME.

I SAY THAT EVERY NIGHT THIS
WEEK, I SHOULD BE SENT TO BED AT

9:00.

THAT IS YOUR BEDTIME, BEN.

OH, YEAH.

OK, THEN, I DON'T GET MY
DRIVER'S LICENSE UNTIL I'M 25.

FORGET IT. I'LL DECIDE
YOUR PUNISHMENT.

26?

AND IT NEVER OCCURRED TO
YOU, NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND

THAT BEN MIGHT
TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY?

NO. NOBODY TAKES ME SERIOUSLY.

HE DOES HAVE A POINT.

CAROL, GO TO YOUR ROOM.

WHY, MOM?

BECAUSE I SAID SO, YOUNG LADY.

WELL, EXCUSE ME, THEN.

GOOD MOVE, MOM.

CAN IT, MIKE.

NOW DON'T YOU KNOW
THAT BEN LOOKS UP TO YOU,

HIS BIG BROTHER, AS AN EXAMPLE?

OH, GET OUT OF HERE.

LOOK, I DON'T LIKE IT
ANY MORE THAN YOU DO,

BUT DON'T YOU SEE THE WAY
HE TRIES TO TALK LIKE YOU,

WALK LIKE YOU, DANCE LIKE
YOU, DO EVERYTHING LIKE YOU?

OH, MY GOD!

SOMEBODY SHOULD
SET THIS KID STRAIGHT.

TOO LATE. HE WORSHIPS YOU.

CAN'T WE TELL HIM I'M
SCUM OR SOMETHIN'?

I DID. IT ONLY MADE
HIM MORE INTERESTED.

I'M NOT SURE I CAN
LIVE WITH THIS BURDEN.

WELL, YOU'RE STUCK
WITH IT, MICHAEL,

AND JUST SO YOU DON'T FORGET IT,

YOU'LL BE DONATING YOUR ALLOWANCE
FOR THE NEXT MONTH TO CHARITY.

BUT, MOM, YOU'RE ACTING LIKE I
DID SOMETHING REALLY WRONG HERE.

I DID, DIDN'T I?

OK, I THINK BEN
UNDERSTANDS WHAT HE DID,

AND WE'VE DECIDED
ON HIS PUNISHMENT.

WE?

FIRST, WE'LL BE
RETURNING THE CAMERA.

(Maggie) GOOD.

THEN WE WILL GIVE BACK
ALL THE MONEY. GOOD.

BY GOING HOUSE TO HOUSE, SO
THAT BEN CAN TELL EVERYONE HE LIED.

JASON.

OK, GET YOUR COAT.

YOU'RE DOING THIS
NOW? ABSOLUTELY.

BUT IT'S ALMOST DARK.

SO?

OH, JASON, I KNOW HE
NEEDS TO BE PUNISHED,

BUT WHAT IF I EXPLAIN
IT TO THE NEIGHBORS?

NO, NO, I THINK THAT

HE'S GOT TO UNDERSTAND
HIS OWN RESPONSIBILITY HERE.

BUT, JASON, HE'S OUR BABY.

A LITTLE TYKE.

9-AND-A-HALF.

WHAT DO I KNOW?

MAGGIE, OUR "LITTLE TYKE"

HAS COMMITTED A FELONY.

[sighs]

DON'T FORGET YOUR MITTENS, BEN.

"RAW SEWAGE CANNOT SIMPLY
BE SWEPT UNDER THE RUG."

NO.

(Carol) MOM?

YES, CAROL?

IT'S 9:00.

OH, I KNOW, HONEY. I'M
WORRIED ABOUT THEM, TOO.

CAN I COME OUT OF MY ROOM NOW?

OH, MY GOD.

OH, SURE, HONEY. COME ON DOWN.

OH, SWEETHEART, I'M SORRY
I SENT YOU TO YOUR ROOM.

THAT WAS VERY UNFAIR OF ME.

YES, IT WAS.

WELL, LET ME TELL
YOU A LITTLE SECRET,

AND THIS IS SOMETHING I'VE
NEVER TOLD YOU KIDS BEFORE.

YEAH?

I'M... WELL, I
SHOULD JUST SAY IT.

I'M NOT PERFECT.

YEAH, SO WHAT'S THE SECRET?

MOM. MOM.

I'VE PREPARED A LOVELY CUP OF
EARL GREY TEA FOR YOU WITH LEMON,

AND AN ENGLISH
MUFFIN, LIGHTLY TOASTED.

WHY, THANK YOU, MICHAEL.

THAT WAS VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.

OH, AND BY THE WAY, IT IS
STILL A MONTH'S ALLOWANCE,

MMM, BUT I LIKE YOUR STYLE.

(Maggie) OH, JASON.

(Jason) SHH!

[clearing throat]

DID I MENTION THAT THERE
WAS CHEESE ON THAT MUFFIN?

HERE'S YOUR MONEY BACK.

I'M SORRY I LIED
ABOUT THE CHARITY.

IT'S OK, SON. WE'RE HOME NOW.

OH.

I'M PROUD OF WHAT
YOU DID TONIGHT.

THANKS.

THINK YOU LEARNED A LESSON?

UH-HUH.

WHEN GOD GIVES ME AN IDEA,
TO CHECK WITH YOU FIRST.

(Jason) MMM-HMM.

ANYTHING ELSE?

IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO SPEND A LOT ON 'EM.

THAT'S RIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, PUNK.

GOOD NIGHT.

DAD?

YEAH?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

[exclaims]

BEN,

IT'S... AN ASHTRAY.

YEAH, I KNOW.

WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY WAS

IT'S THE BEST BIRTHDAY
PRESENT I'VE GOTTEN ALL YEAR.

BUT YOU DON'T EVEN SMOKE.

NO, BUT SOME OF MY PATIENTS DO.

SOME OF THEM WANT TO QUIT.

I THINK YOUR ASHTRAY
JUST MIGHT DO THE TRICK.

[chuckling]

IS THIS AN ASHTRAY, OR WHAT?

LOOK, YOU STICK YOUR
BUTT RIGHT IN THE AORTA.

OH, JASON, YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT THE PUNISHMENT.

MMM-HMM.

I'M SORRY I WENT SOFT ON YOU.

WELL, THAT'S OK. I
KINDA LIKE YOU SOFT.

YOU DO?

WELL, ACTUALLY,
IT WAS PRETTY NICE

HAVING YOU BE THE
BAD COP, FOR A CHANGE.

REALLY? MMM-HMM.

YOU'RE VERY SEXY
WHEN YOU'RE STRICT.

WELL, IN THAT CASE, GO TO
YOUR ROOM, YOUNG LADY.

[chuckles]