Ground Floor (2013–2015): Season 2, Episode 6 - Love & Basketball - full transcript
Brody is back upstairs in his natural habitat, and it's just in time for Mansfield's annual basketball tournament! He and Threepeat are excited, but when Jenny, who always regretted losing her college basketball scholarship, decides that she has something to prove, she signs the ground floor up to play too. Now the tournament is upstairs vs. downstairs and boyfriend vs. girlfriend. Meanwhile, Derrick tricks Harvard and Lindsay into going on their first date and Harvard learns that dating is harder than he remembers.
Hey, Brody.
I know I was hired to replace you
and now you're back upstairs.
I just wanted to make sure that
there's no awkwardness between us.
No. It's all good. We're both adults.
Why are you sitting at Trolltopia?
You named the desk Trolltopia?
That's so lame.
Sorry, Excelsior.
Where is my stuff?
It's on your new desk.
No. No way. That's the fart desk.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Yes, you do.
People stop at that desk, pretend
to look at the Henderson file,
and then just let it rip.
Oh, the Henderson numbers.
Oh, they are looking very...
...Very...
...Strong.
Can I at least have my chair back?
It took my three weeks to find one
that was perfect for my lumbar.
These chairs are all the same.
I've had back problems, so I
need a lot of extra support.
Aah!
All right, people.
I know we're all very excited
to welcome back Mr. Moyer.
And like any triumphant return,
it deserves a-a great speech.
Son, you have 30 seconds.
Uh... I suppose I could
come up with something.
In the depth of winter, I found there
was, within me, an invincible summer.
I think... well said. Well said.
Now, in order to boost morale around here,
I like to have a little
friendly competition,
so I want you to all prepare
to get your asses kicked
in my annual three-on-three
basketball tournament.
- Let's play some round ball!
- Oh! I'm back just in time!
Some of you will be lucky
enough to play on my team.
Mr. Moyer, you'll be my point guard.
Mr. wen, as usual, you'll be my fourth man.
I'm so happy.
He called me a man.
Just to keep things fair,
I like to give my final spot
away to some random temp.
Let's see who the agency sent over.
Oh. What? Hey.
Look at you.
Son, tell me this...
have you... have you
ever played basketball?
I lucked out once again.
Happy to be here, sir.
By the way, I think you might be
underexposed in developing markets.
Not what you're here for.
All right. Let's get back to work.
But first, let me take a
look at this Henderson file.
Hey, Harvard.
Uh, I don't know if you deal
with getting people new chairs...
No.
It's just that my back is really sore.
Um, crazy thought.
You know what might help is a massage.
Yeah, why don't I go ahead
and warm up these magic fingers
so I can Google "physical therapy."
No, thanks. I-I think I'll be okay.
You need to ask that girl out, man.
I'm tired of seeing you so lonely,
and I'm tired of you coming
over to my family's house
for every single holiday.
Which reminds me... arbor day
is right around the corner.
And I got to get a pine-scented
joint to smoke with your grandma.
Stop smoking weed with my grandma!
Ask her out, man.
There's no way I'm
asking Lindsay out, okay?
Yes, she's cute and clearly very good
at soccer, but she's upstairs people.
And they're just so... how can I put this?
That.
Hi, baby.
How's your first day up
there? Was it all guy talk?
Money. Numbers.
Testicles.
I don't know.
No, no, no.
We discussed Threepeat's
underwear situation
and then Mansfield's basketball
tournament, so, yeah, a little.
I love basketball.
You know, I almost got a
scholarship to play in college.
What? You never told me
you almost went to college.
What happened?
We won the championship
game, but I blew out my knee.
Well, you came down on it wrong?
No, not exactly.
I did it air-humping a
pony keg at the after party.
Oh.
Well, does it bother you?
A little when it rains, you know,
or if I move kind of weird.
I meant about not going to college.
Not really. I-I barely
even think about it.
So, um... How do I sign up
for, uh, the tournament?
Uh, you want to play in Mansfield's
basketball tournament?
Yeah.
That's... Not a problem, is it?
Uh...
It's a huge problem.
If I beat my girlfriend
at basketball, I'm a dick.
And if I go easy on her and let
her win, Mansfield will be pissed
and it'll ruin my first week back upstairs.
It's a lose/lose situation.
You're so lucky you
don't have a girlfriend.
Yeah. I feel lucky.
Anyway, uh, how exactly
did you leave it with Jenny?
I promised I'd talk to Mansfield
about her playing basketball.
Then that's exactly what you do.
You talk to Mansfield about
Jenny playing basketball,
but you technically don't ask him
about her playing in the tournament.
Plausible deniability. Brilliant.
I live my entire life that way.
For example, it is a true statement
when I say that I went to
Yale and graduated in 2002.
Wait. Are you saying you didn't go to Yale?
I went to Yale...
...on spring break...
Oh.
...right before I graduated
from UCONN in 2002.
That is genius. I could do this.
Sir?
Ah, Mr. Moyer.
Come on in. I'm just
practicing my set shot.
Think fast.
Are you gonna throw the ball at me?
Well, no. No. I'm just
giving you life advice.
I'm telling you to think fast.
Right.
You know, so many people play basketball.
I play basketball, you play, Jenny plays.
It's a very popular sport.
That should cover it.
Jenny plays?
What's up?
Jenny should play in the tournament.
In fact, the whole ground floor
should play in the tournament.
Oh, I don't think that
would be a good idea.
It's a terrible idea.
I don't know why you brought
it up in the first place.
After all you've been through,
I-I would think you'd want
to keep your personal and...
a-and your work life separate.
It's a... it's a lose/lose.
Yeah. Right. So we shouldn't do it.
No. It's too late. I like it. It's done.
Ow! What the hell?!
Should have been thinking fast.
Hey.
Hello.
I'm just waiting for Derrick.
He apparently has some kind of
crazy-ass muffin he wants me to try.
Yeah, he told me the same thing.
I bet it's got craisins in it.
Harvard and Lindsay, I'm here to tell you
that the crazy-ass muffin club is a ruse.
You two are officially on a date.
Every time!
Come on, now. You both
are perfect for each other.
You're gullible, smart, and you
both think Harvard's cute.
Now, you better get your date on.
Get your date on!
I'm willing to give it a try if you are.
What would it entail?
Maybe some conversation.
For example, I like your beard.
I...Like your... Red hair.
I sort have a thing for recessive genes.
Well, every other generation of my family
has a sixth toe on their left foot.
Can you take off your
shoes and count to 11?
You'll have to get me
into sandals to find out.
I also like science fiction.
Hello! You are going to love my book idea.
It's about a planet with not one, not
two, not 10, but 8 different genders.
That sounds great.
I actually once had...
bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
It's really rude to interrupt someone
when they're talking about their book.
Okay.
There are 268 chapters.
Chapter one... dawn of the vag-enis.
Check me out!
Basketball team M.V.P.
Damn, if I hadn't hurt my
knee, I could have been, like,
a famous WNBA player, you know?
I could have been, like,
a household name like...
You can't think of one
famous WNBA player, can you?
I want to say Lisa Loeb,
but I... that's not right.
Hey.
Hey, babe. So, did you talk to Mansfield?
Can I play in the tournament?
Yes, I did talk to Mansfield.
And he thinks it's a terrible idea.
Mansfield said no?
Mansfield has said no.
Are you using plausible deniability on me?
These things never work out for me.
Look, I've only been
back up there a day, okay?
I just want to keep my
upstairs life separate.
Why?
Because us downstairs people aren't
good enough to play in your game?
Okay, we are tired of being treated
like second-class
citizens, right, Derrick?
I'm staying out of this.
You're not second-class citizens.
You're equal... you
know, separate but equal.
Okay, now I'm in it.
It is on, okay?
Downstairs versus
upstairs. Good versus evil.
Me versus you.
Fine... but just as a warning,
when we square off on the
court, I'm not your boyfriend.
I love you, but I'm gonna be the guy
that's out there thinking fast,
okay, on the floor, in my mind, everywhere.
You bring it on!
You do not know who you are dealing with!
I could have been the next Leslie Nielsen!
Yeah, that's not right, either.
I know it's not right. I know.
What an amazing date.
We talked for four hours.
And now we are texting nonstop.
You are bad.
You're bad. What did she say?
Oh. No, it's actually something I said.
Guys, we need to form a ground-floor
basketball team A.S.A.P.
Derrick and I need a third.
Harvard, how would you like to stick
it to those upstairs douches?
Jenny!
I'm now in a relationship with
one of those upstairs douches,
as you so coarsely refer to them.
U-uh...
Besides, who would want to directly compete
with someone they are
in a relationship with?
It's a lose/lose.
You could just say "no."
Oh, hey, Lindsay. Did you, uh, get my text?
Yes, I am 12 pages
in, and it's still downloading.
The second half is even better.
How could you possibly
have anything more to say?
You talked at me nonstop for four hours.
Look, your book does sound incredible.
Uh, but this was a bad idea. I'm sorry.
Aww, you okay?
Let's crush those upstairs douches.
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!
Kevin! Mr. Moyer! Mr. Moyer!
Game!
Mr. Wen!
They call him the bus driver because
he just took you to school!
Ahh! Thataboy! Great job.
By the way, I was looking
at the fee structure,
and I feel like there's
a real opportunity...
Head in the
game, kev-o. Head in the game.
Who wants us next, baby?
Hey, guys. Actually, let's walk faster.
I think they're waiting for us.
I can't walk much faster in these shorts.
Why would you wear those?
It's from the last time I played.
Seventh-grade uniform, and it still fits.
Okay, first, you look adorable.
Second, if I'm playing against you,
I'm not gonna show you any mercy.
First, you look super cute, too.
Thank you.
Second, bring it on, bitch.
Well, look who came to watch me play.
Actually, I came here to work because
the stench of sweaty men and gym socks
smells like cinnabon
compared to my desk right now.
All right. Who wants to shoot for outs?
I'll do it.
All right.
Our ball.
That's impressive. You're damn right.
I almost got a college scholarship.
Well, I'm not surprised.
You remind me of a... a young Lisa Leslie.
That's her name!
You are going down.
Uh, your nuts.
Yeah. Damn right. I'm crazy.
No, bearded one. I can see your testicles.
All right, all right. Let's
do this, suckers. Come on.
I really want to kiss you right now.
Not going to. Not going
to. No. Absolutely do not.
Pass! Pass! Pass!
Thataboy!
Wait a minute! Wai...
ah, time-out! Time-out!
What?! There's no
time-outs in three-on-three.
What?
There's also no whining.
Okay, you
guys. We need a strategy.
Derrick, what can you do?
I can fall down.
Okay. Great. Draw some fouls.
Harvard, what do you got?
Unbridled rage.
And right now, this wedgie is feeding it.
Awesome. Use that.
What are we gonna do about groot?
I'll take care of him.
Hey! Mr. Mansfield!
I'm kind of surprised you feel
okay about having to cheat to win.
I beg your pardon?! Okay. Time-out.
What are you doing?
I do the paperwork for the temps, I
just think it's kind of interesting
that you hired someone to do data
entry that used to be an nba player.
Hey! I minored in business.
By the way, your bond
exposure is dangerously...
kev, no one cares. Ride the pine.
Mr. wen, you're in.
Uh...
I don't know how to play.
What?! You told Mansfield you were great.
I said I was great at b-ball.
The "b" stands for
boccie, and I'm just okay.
Mr. Moyer!
Bring it in. Look for me down low.
Pick it up. Mm-hmm.
Yeah!
Ow! That was a foul!
Foul?! What are you talking about?
There's no fouls in my game.
Jenny, go ahead and order an
ambulance for a one Mr. Mansfield.
Oh, I will man-slap your beard
all the way back to the
mountain that spawned you.
Oh, you are... Made out of cement.
Excuse me.
Whoo! Threepeat, insult for milady?
It must not be Sunday,
'cause the bank is open!
Oh, my God.
Jumanji!
Get out of here!
Ohh, God, man!
Who's that guy guarding Mr. Mansfield?
'Cause he's kind of a maniac.
I know, right?
He is wearing those shorts.
I'm not open. I'm not open.
Foul!
Threepeat, smack.
Your girl must love kfc,
'cause she just got a bucket.
We're on the same team, man. My bad, dude.
Mr. Moyer! Here! I'm open!
Like hell you are!
Yes, 10-all. Next point wins.
All right. Ball in. No
check. Let's do this.
I'm not gonna let you score.
Well, you're not gonna
be able to stop me, okay?
This is the move that made me famous.
Oh, yeah! In your... knee.
What in the hell are you doing, Moyer?!
That's your girlfriend.
Hey, great game out there.
Well, I didn't invent it.
I, uh, just perfected it.
Hold up. Okay.
You know how they say there's
a lot of fish in the sea?
Well, that's not true for you, okay?
You're a lone jellyfish
in a weird-ass pond.
Luckily for you, another
jellyfish stumbled in there.
Do not ignore that jellyfish.
Okay, first of all,
jellyfish aren't real fish.
And the idea that they would be
found in freshwater is comical.
Yeah.
See, now talk that crazy
shit with each other.
So, you liked watching me play out there?
Yeah. You showed a lot of balls.
Sorry about that.
No, I mean that you're fearless.
I literally get farted on all day,
and I could never stand
up for myself like that.
You just have to act like you
don't care what people think.
How do you do that?
Well, I don't care what people think.
I mean... Except for you.
Okay, maybe we could go out again,
but you have to promise
to let me get a word in.
Okay. I know what you mean.
There's this guy in my society
for creative anachronism group.
He dresses like Ben Franklin,
but he wears a digital watch.
And the whole time, he's
claiming that he discovered...
mm-mm-mm-mm.
...electricity.
Got some more ice.
Again, I'm so sorry I took that shot.
I had no idea you were hurt.
That's fine, babe. I would
have done the same thing.
In fact, if you'd help me up right now,
I'd love to kick your
ass in one-on-one.
What is wrong with you?
I don't know. I don't know.
I guess basketball just, like, brings
up a lot of stuff for me, you know?
Hmm. I was so close to going to college.
I was so close.
I guess it just bothers me
more than I'd like to admit.
Well, you can still go to college.
On a ground-floor salary?
Babe, there's no way I
could pay off that loan.
Yeah, not to mention the interest.
Well, I mean, I'm interested.
I just...
I just don't think it's
in the cards right now.
If it's any consolation,
college wasn't that great.
It was amazing, wasn't
it? Best time of my life.
Baby, that's hurting my knee.
That's hurting my knee. What? The vibrato?
Yeah.
Hey, Mr. Mansfield. You wanted to see me?
Ah, miss Miller. Please,
won't you come join me?
Oh, wow.
I've never been up here
before. This is awesome.
Oh, look.
You'd have a great view
of the Golden Gate Bridge
if you could just move that building.
Don't think I haven't tried.
Would you have a seat?
You, uh... you played one hell
of a basketball game yesterday.
You know, in a way, we're all
winners just for participating.
But in a much realer
way, you lost and I won.
I wanted to give you this check.
Oh, my God! Is this for second place?
Why would you get a prize for losing?
No, I-I want you to think of that as
a, uh... as a basketball scholarship.
So if you want to take classes
at any of the local colleges,
on your time, not mine, well, then... I
would be more than glad to pay for it.
Oh, my God. Sir, I... I really
can't believe how nice that is.
No. There will be no tears on my balcony.
I'm sorry, sir.
It's just that, you know, I had a dad
and I had three stepdads,
but I never had a real father.
Oh, you didn't have to go there.
I'm telling you, with these boxer
briefs, I got a full range of motion.
Hey. Did you say something to Mansfield?
I have said many things to Mansfield.
Yeah. So lucky I don't have a girlfriend.
I know I was hired to replace you
and now you're back upstairs.
I just wanted to make sure that
there's no awkwardness between us.
No. It's all good. We're both adults.
Why are you sitting at Trolltopia?
You named the desk Trolltopia?
That's so lame.
Sorry, Excelsior.
Where is my stuff?
It's on your new desk.
No. No way. That's the fart desk.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Yes, you do.
People stop at that desk, pretend
to look at the Henderson file,
and then just let it rip.
Oh, the Henderson numbers.
Oh, they are looking very...
...Very...
...Strong.
Can I at least have my chair back?
It took my three weeks to find one
that was perfect for my lumbar.
These chairs are all the same.
I've had back problems, so I
need a lot of extra support.
Aah!
All right, people.
I know we're all very excited
to welcome back Mr. Moyer.
And like any triumphant return,
it deserves a-a great speech.
Son, you have 30 seconds.
Uh... I suppose I could
come up with something.
In the depth of winter, I found there
was, within me, an invincible summer.
I think... well said. Well said.
Now, in order to boost morale around here,
I like to have a little
friendly competition,
so I want you to all prepare
to get your asses kicked
in my annual three-on-three
basketball tournament.
- Let's play some round ball!
- Oh! I'm back just in time!
Some of you will be lucky
enough to play on my team.
Mr. Moyer, you'll be my point guard.
Mr. wen, as usual, you'll be my fourth man.
I'm so happy.
He called me a man.
Just to keep things fair,
I like to give my final spot
away to some random temp.
Let's see who the agency sent over.
Oh. What? Hey.
Look at you.
Son, tell me this...
have you... have you
ever played basketball?
I lucked out once again.
Happy to be here, sir.
By the way, I think you might be
underexposed in developing markets.
Not what you're here for.
All right. Let's get back to work.
But first, let me take a
look at this Henderson file.
Hey, Harvard.
Uh, I don't know if you deal
with getting people new chairs...
No.
It's just that my back is really sore.
Um, crazy thought.
You know what might help is a massage.
Yeah, why don't I go ahead
and warm up these magic fingers
so I can Google "physical therapy."
No, thanks. I-I think I'll be okay.
You need to ask that girl out, man.
I'm tired of seeing you so lonely,
and I'm tired of you coming
over to my family's house
for every single holiday.
Which reminds me... arbor day
is right around the corner.
And I got to get a pine-scented
joint to smoke with your grandma.
Stop smoking weed with my grandma!
Ask her out, man.
There's no way I'm
asking Lindsay out, okay?
Yes, she's cute and clearly very good
at soccer, but she's upstairs people.
And they're just so... how can I put this?
That.
Hi, baby.
How's your first day up
there? Was it all guy talk?
Money. Numbers.
Testicles.
I don't know.
No, no, no.
We discussed Threepeat's
underwear situation
and then Mansfield's basketball
tournament, so, yeah, a little.
I love basketball.
You know, I almost got a
scholarship to play in college.
What? You never told me
you almost went to college.
What happened?
We won the championship
game, but I blew out my knee.
Well, you came down on it wrong?
No, not exactly.
I did it air-humping a
pony keg at the after party.
Oh.
Well, does it bother you?
A little when it rains, you know,
or if I move kind of weird.
I meant about not going to college.
Not really. I-I barely
even think about it.
So, um... How do I sign up
for, uh, the tournament?
Uh, you want to play in Mansfield's
basketball tournament?
Yeah.
That's... Not a problem, is it?
Uh...
It's a huge problem.
If I beat my girlfriend
at basketball, I'm a dick.
And if I go easy on her and let
her win, Mansfield will be pissed
and it'll ruin my first week back upstairs.
It's a lose/lose situation.
You're so lucky you
don't have a girlfriend.
Yeah. I feel lucky.
Anyway, uh, how exactly
did you leave it with Jenny?
I promised I'd talk to Mansfield
about her playing basketball.
Then that's exactly what you do.
You talk to Mansfield about
Jenny playing basketball,
but you technically don't ask him
about her playing in the tournament.
Plausible deniability. Brilliant.
I live my entire life that way.
For example, it is a true statement
when I say that I went to
Yale and graduated in 2002.
Wait. Are you saying you didn't go to Yale?
I went to Yale...
...on spring break...
Oh.
...right before I graduated
from UCONN in 2002.
That is genius. I could do this.
Sir?
Ah, Mr. Moyer.
Come on in. I'm just
practicing my set shot.
Think fast.
Are you gonna throw the ball at me?
Well, no. No. I'm just
giving you life advice.
I'm telling you to think fast.
Right.
You know, so many people play basketball.
I play basketball, you play, Jenny plays.
It's a very popular sport.
That should cover it.
Jenny plays?
What's up?
Jenny should play in the tournament.
In fact, the whole ground floor
should play in the tournament.
Oh, I don't think that
would be a good idea.
It's a terrible idea.
I don't know why you brought
it up in the first place.
After all you've been through,
I-I would think you'd want
to keep your personal and...
a-and your work life separate.
It's a... it's a lose/lose.
Yeah. Right. So we shouldn't do it.
No. It's too late. I like it. It's done.
Ow! What the hell?!
Should have been thinking fast.
Hey.
Hello.
I'm just waiting for Derrick.
He apparently has some kind of
crazy-ass muffin he wants me to try.
Yeah, he told me the same thing.
I bet it's got craisins in it.
Harvard and Lindsay, I'm here to tell you
that the crazy-ass muffin club is a ruse.
You two are officially on a date.
Every time!
Come on, now. You both
are perfect for each other.
You're gullible, smart, and you
both think Harvard's cute.
Now, you better get your date on.
Get your date on!
I'm willing to give it a try if you are.
What would it entail?
Maybe some conversation.
For example, I like your beard.
I...Like your... Red hair.
I sort have a thing for recessive genes.
Well, every other generation of my family
has a sixth toe on their left foot.
Can you take off your
shoes and count to 11?
You'll have to get me
into sandals to find out.
I also like science fiction.
Hello! You are going to love my book idea.
It's about a planet with not one, not
two, not 10, but 8 different genders.
That sounds great.
I actually once had...
bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
It's really rude to interrupt someone
when they're talking about their book.
Okay.
There are 268 chapters.
Chapter one... dawn of the vag-enis.
Check me out!
Basketball team M.V.P.
Damn, if I hadn't hurt my
knee, I could have been, like,
a famous WNBA player, you know?
I could have been, like,
a household name like...
You can't think of one
famous WNBA player, can you?
I want to say Lisa Loeb,
but I... that's not right.
Hey.
Hey, babe. So, did you talk to Mansfield?
Can I play in the tournament?
Yes, I did talk to Mansfield.
And he thinks it's a terrible idea.
Mansfield said no?
Mansfield has said no.
Are you using plausible deniability on me?
These things never work out for me.
Look, I've only been
back up there a day, okay?
I just want to keep my
upstairs life separate.
Why?
Because us downstairs people aren't
good enough to play in your game?
Okay, we are tired of being treated
like second-class
citizens, right, Derrick?
I'm staying out of this.
You're not second-class citizens.
You're equal... you
know, separate but equal.
Okay, now I'm in it.
It is on, okay?
Downstairs versus
upstairs. Good versus evil.
Me versus you.
Fine... but just as a warning,
when we square off on the
court, I'm not your boyfriend.
I love you, but I'm gonna be the guy
that's out there thinking fast,
okay, on the floor, in my mind, everywhere.
You bring it on!
You do not know who you are dealing with!
I could have been the next Leslie Nielsen!
Yeah, that's not right, either.
I know it's not right. I know.
What an amazing date.
We talked for four hours.
And now we are texting nonstop.
You are bad.
You're bad. What did she say?
Oh. No, it's actually something I said.
Guys, we need to form a ground-floor
basketball team A.S.A.P.
Derrick and I need a third.
Harvard, how would you like to stick
it to those upstairs douches?
Jenny!
I'm now in a relationship with
one of those upstairs douches,
as you so coarsely refer to them.
U-uh...
Besides, who would want to directly compete
with someone they are
in a relationship with?
It's a lose/lose.
You could just say "no."
Oh, hey, Lindsay. Did you, uh, get my text?
Yes, I am 12 pages
in, and it's still downloading.
The second half is even better.
How could you possibly
have anything more to say?
You talked at me nonstop for four hours.
Look, your book does sound incredible.
Uh, but this was a bad idea. I'm sorry.
Aww, you okay?
Let's crush those upstairs douches.
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!
Kevin! Mr. Moyer! Mr. Moyer!
Game!
Mr. Wen!
They call him the bus driver because
he just took you to school!
Ahh! Thataboy! Great job.
By the way, I was looking
at the fee structure,
and I feel like there's
a real opportunity...
Head in the
game, kev-o. Head in the game.
Who wants us next, baby?
Hey, guys. Actually, let's walk faster.
I think they're waiting for us.
I can't walk much faster in these shorts.
Why would you wear those?
It's from the last time I played.
Seventh-grade uniform, and it still fits.
Okay, first, you look adorable.
Second, if I'm playing against you,
I'm not gonna show you any mercy.
First, you look super cute, too.
Thank you.
Second, bring it on, bitch.
Well, look who came to watch me play.
Actually, I came here to work because
the stench of sweaty men and gym socks
smells like cinnabon
compared to my desk right now.
All right. Who wants to shoot for outs?
I'll do it.
All right.
Our ball.
That's impressive. You're damn right.
I almost got a college scholarship.
Well, I'm not surprised.
You remind me of a... a young Lisa Leslie.
That's her name!
You are going down.
Uh, your nuts.
Yeah. Damn right. I'm crazy.
No, bearded one. I can see your testicles.
All right, all right. Let's
do this, suckers. Come on.
I really want to kiss you right now.
Not going to. Not going
to. No. Absolutely do not.
Pass! Pass! Pass!
Thataboy!
Wait a minute! Wai...
ah, time-out! Time-out!
What?! There's no
time-outs in three-on-three.
What?
There's also no whining.
Okay, you
guys. We need a strategy.
Derrick, what can you do?
I can fall down.
Okay. Great. Draw some fouls.
Harvard, what do you got?
Unbridled rage.
And right now, this wedgie is feeding it.
Awesome. Use that.
What are we gonna do about groot?
I'll take care of him.
Hey! Mr. Mansfield!
I'm kind of surprised you feel
okay about having to cheat to win.
I beg your pardon?! Okay. Time-out.
What are you doing?
I do the paperwork for the temps, I
just think it's kind of interesting
that you hired someone to do data
entry that used to be an nba player.
Hey! I minored in business.
By the way, your bond
exposure is dangerously...
kev, no one cares. Ride the pine.
Mr. wen, you're in.
Uh...
I don't know how to play.
What?! You told Mansfield you were great.
I said I was great at b-ball.
The "b" stands for
boccie, and I'm just okay.
Mr. Moyer!
Bring it in. Look for me down low.
Pick it up. Mm-hmm.
Yeah!
Ow! That was a foul!
Foul?! What are you talking about?
There's no fouls in my game.
Jenny, go ahead and order an
ambulance for a one Mr. Mansfield.
Oh, I will man-slap your beard
all the way back to the
mountain that spawned you.
Oh, you are... Made out of cement.
Excuse me.
Whoo! Threepeat, insult for milady?
It must not be Sunday,
'cause the bank is open!
Oh, my God.
Jumanji!
Get out of here!
Ohh, God, man!
Who's that guy guarding Mr. Mansfield?
'Cause he's kind of a maniac.
I know, right?
He is wearing those shorts.
I'm not open. I'm not open.
Foul!
Threepeat, smack.
Your girl must love kfc,
'cause she just got a bucket.
We're on the same team, man. My bad, dude.
Mr. Moyer! Here! I'm open!
Like hell you are!
Yes, 10-all. Next point wins.
All right. Ball in. No
check. Let's do this.
I'm not gonna let you score.
Well, you're not gonna
be able to stop me, okay?
This is the move that made me famous.
Oh, yeah! In your... knee.
What in the hell are you doing, Moyer?!
That's your girlfriend.
Hey, great game out there.
Well, I didn't invent it.
I, uh, just perfected it.
Hold up. Okay.
You know how they say there's
a lot of fish in the sea?
Well, that's not true for you, okay?
You're a lone jellyfish
in a weird-ass pond.
Luckily for you, another
jellyfish stumbled in there.
Do not ignore that jellyfish.
Okay, first of all,
jellyfish aren't real fish.
And the idea that they would be
found in freshwater is comical.
Yeah.
See, now talk that crazy
shit with each other.
So, you liked watching me play out there?
Yeah. You showed a lot of balls.
Sorry about that.
No, I mean that you're fearless.
I literally get farted on all day,
and I could never stand
up for myself like that.
You just have to act like you
don't care what people think.
How do you do that?
Well, I don't care what people think.
I mean... Except for you.
Okay, maybe we could go out again,
but you have to promise
to let me get a word in.
Okay. I know what you mean.
There's this guy in my society
for creative anachronism group.
He dresses like Ben Franklin,
but he wears a digital watch.
And the whole time, he's
claiming that he discovered...
mm-mm-mm-mm.
...electricity.
Got some more ice.
Again, I'm so sorry I took that shot.
I had no idea you were hurt.
That's fine, babe. I would
have done the same thing.
In fact, if you'd help me up right now,
I'd love to kick your
ass in one-on-one.
What is wrong with you?
I don't know. I don't know.
I guess basketball just, like, brings
up a lot of stuff for me, you know?
Hmm. I was so close to going to college.
I was so close.
I guess it just bothers me
more than I'd like to admit.
Well, you can still go to college.
On a ground-floor salary?
Babe, there's no way I
could pay off that loan.
Yeah, not to mention the interest.
Well, I mean, I'm interested.
I just...
I just don't think it's
in the cards right now.
If it's any consolation,
college wasn't that great.
It was amazing, wasn't
it? Best time of my life.
Baby, that's hurting my knee.
That's hurting my knee. What? The vibrato?
Yeah.
Hey, Mr. Mansfield. You wanted to see me?
Ah, miss Miller. Please,
won't you come join me?
Oh, wow.
I've never been up here
before. This is awesome.
Oh, look.
You'd have a great view
of the Golden Gate Bridge
if you could just move that building.
Don't think I haven't tried.
Would you have a seat?
You, uh... you played one hell
of a basketball game yesterday.
You know, in a way, we're all
winners just for participating.
But in a much realer
way, you lost and I won.
I wanted to give you this check.
Oh, my God! Is this for second place?
Why would you get a prize for losing?
No, I-I want you to think of that as
a, uh... as a basketball scholarship.
So if you want to take classes
at any of the local colleges,
on your time, not mine, well, then... I
would be more than glad to pay for it.
Oh, my God. Sir, I... I really
can't believe how nice that is.
No. There will be no tears on my balcony.
I'm sorry, sir.
It's just that, you know, I had a dad
and I had three stepdads,
but I never had a real father.
Oh, you didn't have to go there.
I'm telling you, with these boxer
briefs, I got a full range of motion.
Hey. Did you say something to Mansfield?
I have said many things to Mansfield.
Yeah. So lucky I don't have a girlfriend.