Green Wing (2004–2007): Season 2, Episode 9 - Christmas Special - full transcript

- Marry me.
- Is this some sort of bet?

No, no, no, no. This is me, here and now,
asking you to marry me.

Criminals always get caught.
Don't you watch TV?

- We're not going to prison!
- They'll look for us.

Why? Where's the motive?
Why would we murder a dwarf?

Why would you kill a dwarf?

So if I just went for it one day,
say, I said, you know...

asked her to marry me,
she would turn me down flat, would she?

- Well, I know you. You wouldn't do that.
- Right. Wouldn't I?

- Get out of the van.
- It's a mobile home.

Right, get out of the mobile home, then.



No, I can't see you.

No. I can't see you.

Suppose you were conducting
some routine tests

and you stumbled across
something significant, something serious?

You've got to actually go and tell the patient
that he's gonna die, which is... I hate that.

"Meet me at the station at 6:43.
Wear something special."

- Christ, I'd better go!
- Martin, I think it's for me.

I forget I have a first name sometimes.
People always... Well, they call me Mac.

I'm so very, very sorry.

Caroline!

Mac.

- Let's not succumb to feeble-minded panic.
- Are we nearly there yet?

Oh, my fucksy!

He's let me down again, hasn't he?
Life's just a game.



A sheep!

This is just weird.

- What?
- Dejа vu.

- Yes.
- What?

Yes. Yes to what you asked me earlier.

Really?

# All things bright and beautiful

# All creatures great and small

# All things wise and wonderful

# The Lord God made them all

# Each little flower that opens

# Each little bird that sings

# He made their glowing colours

# He made their tiny wings

# All things bright and beautiful

# All creatures great and small

# All things wise and wonderful

# The Lord God made them all

Bully for him.

Come, my sweet. Let's not let
our predicament dampen our spirits.

It's not our predicament, it's you.

Ah, the smell of the country!

Don't try that one again.
I know when it's you.

Where shall we go to, my lovely?

We need to go to the last place
anyone would think of looking for us.

- Hunstanton.
- No.

- Os-Oswestry.
- No.

- Chippenham.
- No.

- Clitheroe.
- No.

Swansea.

How long would you just go on
naming random towns for if I let you?

Not sure.

Whitstable.

Death.

It's awful.

Really makes you ponder
the meaning of things.

Makes you feel isolated.

Insignificant.

Alone.

A bit horny.

How can you think about sex
at a time like this?

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I was... I was being inappropriate.
I'm so sorry.

Guy, what are you doing?
Put it away.

I couldn't be at my sister's funeral
at the same time as this

so I thought I'd phone up
and see how that one was going.

- Your sister?
- Yeah, my stepsister.

You know, I didn't know her that well,
so it's not that sad.

Plus this funeral was nearer.

And really sad, obviously.

# Day-o

# Day-o

# Daylight come and I want to go home

# Come, Mr Taliban, tally me banana

# Daylight come and I want to go home

# I got a very big banana

# Daylight come and I want to go home

# Give me the bag
with the big Chihuahua

# Daylight come and I want to go home

# Day-o

God, I've got a boner
the size of that coffin.

Was that inappropriate?

And now on behalf
of all the hospital staff,

Dr Martin Dear
is going to say a few words.

Dr Dear would like to express
some thoughts and feelings

for his friend and colleague.

This is super, isn't it?

Miles away from responsibility,
jobs, hospitals, everything.

It's fucking quiet, isn't it?

- Peewit!
- Shithead.

No, just there. Peewit.
It's a lapwing. Uh, th-the green plover.

- Make your mind up.
- No, it's the same bird, different names.

The peewit, so called
because of its distinctive call or cry, peewit.

P-p-p-pee-wee.
Peewit. Peewit.

Peewit. It's lovely.

Oh, it's lovely.

Lovely.

Alan, are you humping the ground?

Possibly.

Oh!

Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

I can't believe it. I just...

I can't get over the waste.
It just seems so unfair.

- Yeah, should have been someone like him.
- Stop it.

All that hair wasted,
that lovely, lovely hair.

You're right. I mean, that is... that is some
prime muff going six feet under back there.

Guy, do you think you could show
just a little bit of respect?

Sorry. I'm just not very good with sad things
that bring out the worst in me.

I'm not... not good at handling pain.

Apart from spanky-spanky on-the-botty
kind of pain.

Hey, you gotta face it.
You didn't like Angela that much.

How can you say that?
She was my dear, dear friend.

We worked together
every day of our working days.

I hate funerals.

I don't know why,
but they just make me feel really...

sad.

Maybe it's cos I fancy Angela a little bit,
you know, cos she had really nice hair.

Yeah.

- I thought he might come.
- Who?

Him. Mac.
He was her real friend.

That's Mac all over, isn't it? Just selfish.
He's always thinking of himself.

- Can you get off her, please?
- Guy...

He is taking the piss.

Mac.

- How could he?
- Yeah, cos he's selfish, that's why.

No, I mean, he's here.

- Yeah, I can smell perfume as well.
- Where?

There.

Argh! Argh!

- What?
- Oh, God, Angela!

I... I just think it's starting
to hit me about her.

- I know. I know.
- Oh, that bloody moose!

- I know. Poor Angela.
- I just...

- Lovely, lovely Angela. I know.
- Oh, God!

Angela.

You know, it was either the puppies or a view
of the local church, so I went for puppies.

- And what have you put?
- "Dear Martin, hope you're well."

"Thanks for calling the AA.
Sorry to have pushed you out of the van."

"It was for your own good,
witness the happy fact of your survival."

- "Love from your mummy."
- "From your mother."

No. Well, no, she's dead,
and she never knew Martin anyway, so...

No, his mother. Me.
And leave out the "love" bit.

Oh, right, OK.
So it's just "From your mother".

The postmark'll be a problem.
You'll need to give it to someone else to post.

- There you go.
- Not to me.

To someone different going somewhere
different from where we're going, like...

- Good idea.
...Brazil, maybe.

I could put a couple of red herrings in,
such as "Visited the Copacabana. Met Pelй."

Look, I said maybe Brazil. We don't know yet.
Depends who we can find to post it.

- Could be bloody Shetland.
- Maybe a Copacabana nightclub there?

"P-P-Pelй met me on holiday...

in the Shetlands."

- Don't I know you from somewhere?
- I'm often mistaken for Mick Hucknall.

- Are you?
- Yeah. No, actually, I'm not, really.

A month's leave, they said.
You're back early.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I love my work.
Couldn't keep away.

- Awful about Angela.
- Mm. Yeah, I know. I...

- Only the good-looking die young.
- That can't be right, can it?

No. Well, no, it isn't, but I wanted
to say something complimentary.

Can I just ask why?

Uh, cos she just died
and I was very fond of her.

No, I mean why have you been away?

They said it was personal.
You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

It's... it's a family matter.

Oh. I don't wanna pry.

I hope it's all OK now?

Yes.

It's OK.

Good.

By the way, you forgot
to meet me at the station.

Oh! Thought I'd nearly
got away with that one.

No, sorry.

Yeah. I did try to call you.

Engaged, was I?
There's a funny thing.

I didn't really know what to say. Um...

"I'm on my way" would have been good.

Yes. The thing is, um...

Forget it. It's history.

It's cool, it's fine, etcetera.

Good.

Good.

So, what have I missed?

Oh, you know, this and that.

- Oh, and one quite big thing.
- An elephant?

I think Guy might want
to tell you himself.

Guy?

- He hasn't managed five in a bed?
- No.

That was always his life's ambition.

- Things might have changed.
- Right.

I hope so, anyway. That sort of thing
can really screw up a honeymoon.

Lovely morning.

- What happened to you?
- Did you not hear?

I fell out of a window.

- Well, who'd you land on? Estйe Lauder?
- Kim, you are silly.

You couldn't get me a cup of tea, could you?
I'm ever so thirsty.

- What are you doing?
- I'm scared of her.

Well, I just... I didn't want to do just, like,
a song or a poem. Everyone does that.

- Yeah, but a mime?
- I think it worked.

- It was beautiful, Martin.
- Thank you. Or should I say...

Don't do it again.

Mac! You're back! Oh, brilliant.
We missed you so much.

- Give me some skin, man.
- Yeah, man, here's some skin for you.

- Nice. Nice one.
- Yeah. See? Oh, yeah.

- This is the, um, happy couple?
- Yep.

- Oh, hi, didn't see you there.
- Hi.

Ah, welcome back. So, yeah, you've heard.
Good news does travel fast, doesn't it?

Caroline and I won't be single
for very much longer.

- Yeah, nice one.
- Thank you.

- Thanks.
- Congratulations.

Thank you.

Right, so we'd better be getting along
because we have a seating plan to arrange,

because we're getting married.

Guy? Could you get me
a coffee, please?

- No.
- Sorry?

Uh, yeah, OK, sure.
But don't look into his eyes, OK?

So, did you miss us all
while you were gone?

Yeah, yeah, you know.

- Some more than others, obviously.
- Right, yeah.

- Mac, about Guy...
- Did I miss anything?

- No.
- Great.

Well, Mac, you must do us the honour of
coming to our little wedding. It's in a castle.

- Ah, bouncy one. Love them, love them.
- Oh, yes!

- No, a bricky one.
- Oh, shit.

It's costing about 23 grand all in,
including the honeymoon.

- Right. Well, that'll be worth every penny.
- Yeah, you'd better believe it.

- I'll be cutting people up if you need me.
- Yeah, yeah, me too.

Did I miss a spectacular promotion
while I was away?

What? Oh!

I was just, you know,
I was talking metaphorically. Yeah.

So, get cuttin'.

Let's get cuttin'.

Oh-ho-ho! Oh, yeah.

Sorry, sit down.
If you like.

Got to ask now, haven't you,
with women's lib and everything?

Wanna do some more snogging?

This is a hospital canteen, Guy,
not a school disco.

It's so weird.
I keep forgetting you're mine.

Aww.

Sweet, silly doctor.

- There.
- Less milk.

- I like new Karen.
- Thanks.

Feisty.

You still think she might have said yes
if you'd asked her.

- That is irrelevant.
- Yeah, it is irrelevant, yeah.

It's become obvious that I am the right choice.
The healthy option.

- What are you now, a margarine?
- Who's a margarine?

- Fiancйe! Are you ready to play Mr and Mrs?
- What do you mean?

Mac earlier on asked me
some questions about you.

Now he's going to ask you for your answers
and if your answers and my answers match,

then we are the perfect couple
and we win a car or something. OK?

- OK.
- OK, go.

OK, question one. You're on your honeymoon
with Guy and you get back to the hotel

and you see sitting in the bar, having a drink,
your all-time favourite film star.

So, what do you do? Do you (a) rush over and
say hello and tell Guy not to wait up for you?

(b) Get together and go over with Guy
and say hello?

Or (c) completely ignore the celebrity

and just rush straight upstairs with Guy
to the honeymoon suite?

- Go and say hello.
- Take your time.

You've got as long as you want to say,
you know, and what you think, and think.

- I'd say hello.
- You wouldn't really.

- Yeah, it's a once-in-a-lifetime chance.
- All right.

You're saying that
you would say a quick hello

and then you'd rush up
to the honeymoon suite to see me?

- Yeah, I'm not sure that's what she's saying.
- You can fuck off!

- You would be so good in the real TV show.
- This is important. Think.

- I have thought.
- Think harder.

I would like to go and have a drink in the bar,
if that's all right by you.

- Well, it's not bloody all right with me!
- That doesn't bode well for the relationship.

Honour and obey!

I'm not saying those words if I can't
have a drink as and when I feel like it.

And you feel like it when there's a chance
of getting into some film star's pants!

Why would I want to get into
Dame Judi Dench's pants?!

Ah. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

- Who did you think it was?
- That question is null and void,

because my fiancйe has some lezzy blind spot
when it comes to choosing a film star and...

I love you.

- She's a bit of a mess, isn't she?
- Well, no.

Fair's far. She's been on the road, no
makeup, so make allowances for the old girl.

He means the van.

I was talking about the van.
but now you mention it, I take your point.

It wasn't my point,
I thought it was your point.

- Time takes its toll on all of us, doesn't it?
- What about the van?

The rear axle's knackered, innit?
What have you been up to?

Up to? N-nothing, nothing.
Up to, up to, up to...

It's not easy driving through...
Not stolen and over the...

No dwarfs were killed...
On the edge of the cliff... There was no cliff.

- Are you all right?
- Kids. Some kids did it.

So, Prince Charming,
can you fix it or not?

I'd have to get parts.
Might take a couple of weeks.

That's no shitting good!

- Look, is it dangerous to drive?
- You'll get away with it for a month or two.

- Get away with it?
- My advice is don't bother.

Yeah, and my advice is
keep your advice to yourself, grease monkey.

Come on, you.

Well, yes.
What-what-what she said!

You bloody greasy, whatever, m-monkey.

Oh, dear. Wrong gear.

It's all right, I'll sort it.

- Is he upset?
- No, not any more.

- I hope he doesn't report us.
- I don't think he will.

Sorry about not noticing
the falling out the window thing.

- That's all right.
- You had a lucky escape.

There's not a scratch on you.

And my nose whistles when I orgasm.

So, I'm going to need three weeks off
for my honeymoon.

- It's never gonna happen.
- What?

You and Plod,
never gonna happen.

- Yes, it will.
- No, it won't.

- Yes, it will, I love her.
- No, you don't.

- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't. She doesn't love you.

- Yes, she does.
- No, she doesn't, she loves Mac.

- No, no, she doesn't.
- Yes, she does.

Every woman in the whole wide world
loves Mac and they all hate you.

- No, they don't.
- Yes, they do.

- Oh, no, they don't.
- Oh, yes, they do.

- Oh, no, they don't.
- She'll never marry you.

- She will.
- She won't.

- Yes, she will.
- No, she willnae.

- Yes, she will-ee.
- No, she couldnae.

- Yes, she could-ee.
- No, she willnae.

- Yes, she will-ee.
- No, no, she won't.

- Oh, yes, she will.
- Oh, no, she won't.

- Oh, yes, she will.
- She's behind you.

Oi, what?

Come out, you pixie woman!

Come out.

She loves me!

Right, this isn't over.

Oh, yes, it is.

- Oh, no, it isn't.
- Oh, yes, it is.

- Oh, no, it isn't.
- Oh, yes, it is.

- Oh, no, it isn't.
- Oh, yes, it is.

I hate cocking camping!

It's not for long. The main thing
in our situation is just to blend in.

Oh! Actually, I think I'll, um...
I'll blend in here.

No, no, there's no need to blend in
just exactly there, necessarily.

No, no. You're right, we've got to stop
somewhere. Might as well be here.

- We need to use the amenities.
- Well...

- Fancy a game?
- Yeah, I'll play.

- No, I'll play, uh, Lucy!
- Lucy?

Yes, that's our fugitive names. I've worked
the whole story out. You're Lucy, I'm Gareth.

We're on our honeymoon. You're a widow.

I'm a bachelor finally ready
to make a commitment.

- Fuck off! I don't want to be Lucy.
- Well, the main thing is just blending.

- Hi, I'm Jonny.
- Hi. Hi, Jonny.

I'm Cherry and this is Merle.

Hm?

- So, are you two together?
- God, no! Brother and sister.

Th-there.

Well, I'm having a barbie later. Just bring your
meat and booze, and come meet the gang.

- Great.
- No. Great.

It is that, but unlikely.

- The offer's there if you're around. Here.
- Great.

- Merle. What's Merle?
- Well, it's better than Gareth.

I don't think this barbecue's
a very good idea.

Do what you want, Merle, but I'm staying for
the barbie. I fancy a bit of Jonny's sausage.

I'll have it. Give it, give it,
give it, give it, give it.

Here I am!

Right. Good day, everyone.

Some of you may have heard
that Dr Statham is currently unavailable,

so I'll be filling in for him for the time being.
The textbook I'll be referring to...

Sorry, you've been filling in Dr...

Don't you fucking dare interrupt me
while I'm talking!

I don't think we'll be playing
your little games from now on. Do you?

Marvellous. Right, well, let's get on
with some teaching now, shall we?

If you turn to page 16
in the Watkinson and Adams,

the gastrointestinal tract.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Got it!

Got it! I bloody got it!

- Whoops.
- Hi.

Haven't seen
our scraggy mother recently?

Oh, she's fine.
She's on holiday with Dr Statham.

You know, they've gone
to live in the hills.

Yeah, they're going to build a new life,
a quiet life, and then...

I don't know, probably make up a home,
get some money together,

then they're gonna send for us
and then we'll be like a proper family.

Great. Oh, I can't wait. That's what I've always
wanted, to be part of a real, proper family.

Really? Brilliant, yeah.
It's going to be really cool.

Yeah. Martin, do you really think
she's going to send for you?

- Do you think that, do you?
- Yeah.

Yeah? She doesn't like you. She doesn't like
anyone. She doesn't even like herself.

She's empty.
No heart, no soul.

You miss her, don't you?

Yeah, you should just accept to yourself
that you love her.

You're angry,
but you were inside her once.

I meant inside her womb,

not up her.

# Should I stay?

# Would it be a sin?

# But I couldn't help

# Falling in love with you

# Take my hand

# Take my whole life too

# For I couldn't help

# Falling in love with you

Right. Or, instead of me killing you,

you could fall in love with someone else.

Someone else?

- Someone else.
- Mm.

Someone else who would love you back.

Love me back? Oh, well,
that's quite a good idea. Right, thanks.

I'll take that. It's just got blanks.

Jesus!

Oh, my bag.
Excellent. Right.

So long, Dr Macartney.

Someone else, someone else.

- Coleslaw?
- Oh, no, I think it's a spot, actually.

- No, there's a bowl of coleslaw over there.
- It's a joke.

Of course I haven't got a spot.
I've got good skin. Feel it.

- I'm sure it's fine.
- Just feel it. See, it's very smooth.

- Um, I think I should interpose myself.
- I'd rather you didn't. What do you want?

My-my-my sausage is not very well cooked.
It's a bit pink.

Oh, here, have some of mine.

- No.
- I'm here all week. How long you here for?

- The whole week.
- Not very long.

Go and sort your sausage out.

- So, what does your brother do?
- My brother?

Oh, he, uh... he keeps bees.

Wow.

- I've been meaning to ask. Is he attached?
- Attached to what?

Like, is he with anyone? I mean,
I wouldn't want to tread on anyone's toes.

- I'm not mistaken, am I?
- Bugger!

You know, the shorts and the tache.

No, no, no, he's, um...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, you're right, absolutely.
Go for it.

Um, Merle.

Merle?

Merle? Merle?

- Yeah, he's a bit deaf in that ear. Oi, Merle!
- Merle.

Merle, Merle. Oh, hello.

Look, I was thinking, you know,
we might take a walk along the river bank.

Oh, well, that would be lovely.
I'm not sure, um, uh...

Cherry would be very interested
in walking by a muddy river bank, but...

No, I meant just you and me.

Oh, well, that...
Really? I'd love...

Do you hear that, Cherry?
Jonny here is abandoning you.

Oh, no, no, that's fine.
No, you two boys go and enjoy yourselves.

- We might catch a glimpse of a heron.
- That'd be great.

- Or a kingfisher.
- Oh, they're my favourite.

Really? Often people
take the mickey out of me

when I start blathering on
about our feathered friends.

- In this day and age?
- Well, yes, I'm afraid so, yes.

- Well, shall we go?
- Yes, please.

- Come on.
- Oh, right.

Big... big strong hands,
haven't you? Yes.

Might even see...
might even see a peewit.

Oh, really?

Did I ever tell you the story
about my mate Mouse Cock Ben?

Um... no.

He got really, really pissed

and he fell asleep in a barn

and a mouse chewed off half his penis.

Is that how he got the nickname
in the first place?

Oh... yeah, yeah. I think it was, actually,
to be honest with you.

Hm. Talking of honesty, I, um...

There's something I have to tell you.

Uh...

I have to tell someone.
Which is, um...

Hm. Um...

I-I'm dying.

What?

I'm dying.

What?

I'm dying.

Are you trying to tell me that... What?

You...

What? What are you dying?
What of?

Gingeritis?

Are you dying of a small cock?

- Hm.
- What?

Um...

Is it in there?
Are you dying of something in there?

- What are you dying of?
- It's got an a and an e in it.

Acne? You're dying of acne?

Shit!

Oh, no.

How long have you got?

Yep. Just a few, uh...

- Just a few weeks.
- You're joking.

But please do not tell Caroline.

I just don't want to make it feel
all weird for her and...

- Yeah? So schtum.
- Yeah.

- Promise?
- Yeah. Jesus.

That's...

That is absolutely...

What were we talking about again?

It was something to do with a mouse.

Oh, yeah, my mate had half his cock
chewed off by a mouse!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck!

You twat, why are you dying?

- I don't know.
- Actually, I wish I was dying.

- I bet I'd be better at it than you are.
- I wish you were dying.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe Guy told you.

I thought Elysian Fields was in Dorset,

and then when I looked it up on the map,
I couldn't find it.

And so I asked, and, and, and, and, and, and,
and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and...

And you lost the ability
to complete a sentence.

...and, and, and then I realised
you're not going to Dorset,

you're going to he...

heaven.

You're gonna die.
You're going to-to die.

You're dying. You...

You die!

You're not going to have a child,
or-or get married to the woman you love,

or grow old with her,
or see me qualify.

Hey. I don't think anyone's
going to live that long, are they?

You're just saying that!

I heart you, Mac!

Hey, hey.

I heart you too, yeah?

I heart you too.

- It's very quiet today.
- It's because she's not here.

- Who?
- Joanna. She's gone.

Oh. Where?

- Yeah, where has she gone?
- I've actually no idea.

I actually think she may not be coming back.
I'm a bit psychic now.

Arsehole!

See?

What the fuck
did those people do in this bin?

Entertain themselves,
I suspect.

- Uh, bezique?
- No.

- Pontoon?
- No.

- Kipper?
- No.

- Uh, whist?
- No.

- P-pommes frites?
- No.

- My lady's hat?
- No.

Or horse... horses?

No.

There's the... there's the thimble?

- No.
- No, right, OK.

More strange. Pel...

- Pelham's return?
- No.

Right. Well, come on,
you must know a game.

Um...

Hide it, Larry?

- Do you know any games?
- Poker.

Poker it is, right. Poker.

- Right, pair of queens. What have you got?
- That.

- Yeah, well, I win.
- Do you? Right. Bad luck.

- Take something off.
- Pardon?

Take something off.

- Take something off.
- Oh.

Right, OK. Off it goes.

Right, well, I can see
where this is leading.

Now wash your hands.

I don't know why you're smiling.
What's there to smile about?

I wasn't smiling,
I've got indigestion.

- Can you stop moping about? Life goes on.
- Yeah, well, not for Mac, it won't.

Let's not turn this into
a who's-sadder-than-who contest.

- Yeah, well, no one's sadder than me.
- Eureka.

Anyway, you promised him
you wouldn't tell anyone.

Um, I... I was drunk, actually.
I had to tell people.

The main thing was that I didn't tell Caroline.
He was very clear about that.

So as long as you, Boyce and Sue White
keep your big mouths shut,

he'll die a happy ginger bunny.

Gollum, will you stop whimpering,
for Christ's sake!

It's all right for you,
you haven't got any feelings!

For the rest of us, it actually hurts.
It hurts that my best friend is dying, OK?

I love Mac. I don't care if you say,
"Oh, that's poofy", because I-I don't care.

He was there for me all the time. Now
he's not going to be there for me ever again.

You say, "Oh, Mac's my best friend," yeah?
I don't see you really bothered

by the fact that your friend's going to die
in a couple of weeks.

You're more concerned in letting us know
how great you've done

in not letting Caroline know that he's dying.
Well, well done, you!

Ow!

Is Mac dying?

- No.
- Is Mac dying?

Yeah.

You said you wouldn't tell Caroline!

I... Hey, oi!

Oh, bloody fiancйes!

Any ideas?
Anybody want to have a go?

OK, Herbie, what do you think?

- "Hickory Dickory Dock"?
- Very close.

It was actually "Hungry Like the Wolf"
by Duran Duran. Very good.

- Can I ask you something?
- This is Caroline. She has a question for us.

Why didn't you tell me you were dying?
Sorry, this isn't really a hands-up...

No, this is very good, very good.
I'd like to hear. Courtney, what do you think?

Was it because you had a sore throat?

That's... that's a very good answer.
I like it, yeah. Not quite right. Caroline?

Is it true that you're...

d-y-i-n-g of?

Y-e-s.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I thought you wouldn't like it.

I don't.

Caroline's a little bit upset today because...

Well, she's sad because Ginger,
her little hamster,

is not very well at the moment.

Is that why Ginger
didn't want to get married?

No.

Ginger just thought maybe it would be better
for you to marry a different type of hamster,

a hamster with dark, curly fur,

one that would go round and round the wheel
for years and years.

You're not gonna get away with this,
you know.

He's just gone, just...

He's just gone.
He's just disappeared. I don't know...

It's great, isn't it? No more C-3PO
wandering around the hospital.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't miss him
or anything. I mean, his big stupid face

and the curl of his moustache

in the wind.

Right, I'll put in a few calls,
see if I can track him down.

- Really? Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Great. Thanks. Thanks.
- Uh-uh!

You must not leave
until you've paid the piper.

- Really?
- Really.

How much?

- A bushel.
- A bushel of what?

I don't know.
Just surprise me. Run along.

No. No!
Not until you do your forfeit.

Come on, then, you bandy-legged scrote.
See if you can keep up.

Thank you.
I think we've seen enough.

We'll let you know.

- Joanna Clore?
- Yes.

Would you drop your trousers please?

It was bad enough when they let you operate
when you'd lost your memory.

Mm-hm.
When was that?

When you...
when you lost your memory.

- Did I?
- That's not funny, OK?

Don't even joke about that cos you're
scaring me. I mean, I'm sc... We're scared.

- I'm not scared.
- She's just saying that.

- Cos you know her so well?
- I do know her so well, actually.

- She doesn't want to hurt you.
- Whereas you do.

No, just where's our guarantee
you won't conk out in the middle of this?

Your guarantee? Did you not get it? It was in
the box. Did you fill it our and send it off?

You could well be a liability.

It's very clear, Guy.
Mac's condition is irrelevant at the moment.

He's able to work if he so wishes,
and that's what he's chosen.

Well, that's just completely mad, isn't it?
I mean, that's just ridiculous.

If you know you're gonna die, you know you're
gonna die, you've just got carte blanche.

You've just got carte blanche!
You could do anything you like.

That's fucking brilliant!
That is brilliant.

You could do any...
You could throw yappy dogs into the river.

You could trip up old people.
You could...

You could hide in nuns' dressing rooms
and see if they wear petticoats under their...

under their... under their...

If you were that sort of person,
you could do that.

If you were that sort of...
If you... lf.

Hi.

- Any news?
- Bushel.

Yeah. I couldn't get a bushel
so I got a furlong.

A furlong of bras.

- Well, that is impressive.
- Yeah.

- I'm... I'm... I'm impressed.
- Thanks.

- OK, I've got some information. Ready for it?
- Yeah.

- Yeah? Can you take it? Take it like a man?
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

- Yep? On the chin?
- OK.

Right. According to my sources,
he's untrackdownable.

- What?
- Out of range.

- What?
- Gone.

Oh. What?

Gonnnne.

He's...

gone.

No Statham, no bushel.

- Furlong.
- Furlong.

Steady, steady.

That's it.
Steady as she goes.

That's it.

That's it. No, no.
Come on. Come on.

Up. No. Come on.

Oh, for fuck's sake!
I said a fucking chicken!

No, I... It's all I could find.
Come on, you bloody thing!

Come on. Hup. Hupsy.

Hupsy. Hupsy.

- All right, let's do it this way, then.
- Get the bloody thing in.

Go on. Hup. Hup.

That's it, come on.
Up you go. Up you go. There we are.

Drive!

How would you like to be
my best man?

- I don't think Caroline would be too pleased.
- No, that's my problem, not yours.

I would be honoured.

That's great.
That is great. Oh.

- Thank you. I'll put your name on the list.
- Excuse me?

Draw takes place a week before the wedding.
Should your name be first out the hat,

you will be notified by email and/or text.
Be lucky. It could be you.

This office is now closed
until further notice.

All enquiries should now be directed
up your arse.

- There. I've just ordered some kittens.
- What?

- I've just ordered some kittens on account.
- Nice.

I... No, I... I...

Um... Oh!

No, I can't do it.
I won't.

Here.

No. No, I can't!

Well, you should have thought about that
before you stole it.

Just club it.
I'm starving.

Look at its lovely black eyes.
It's so... it's so trusting.

It just wants to be with its sheepie friends.
Don't you?

Are you a sheepie friend?
Are you?

Let's cuddle.

- Come on. Come on. Let's go to the van.
- Have you got a stiffie?

Oh, off we go.
Hup. Off we go.

It's all right.

Come on. Hupsy, hupsy.

- Just passing.
- How'd you know you'd find me here?

- I thought about something you said once.
- Yeah?

Yeah. You were talking
about your childhood

and how your parents took you
to this old boathouse on a lake

cos the car broke down and they were
too tired to argue for the first time in years

and you all watched
the sun go down in silence.

It was the only time
you'd done something as a family.

And after you told me, you fell asleep
and I cried for about three hours.

- Wow.
- Indeed.

It wasn't me.

- No?
- My parents never really argued,

my dad kept the car in full working order,
and I've never been here before in my life.

Justin Havermann.
I went out with him about five years ago.

- Did his parents argue a lot?
- Yeah, yeah. That's who I was thinking of.

- Still...
- Yeah.

- Anyway, glad I found you.
- I'm glad I found you.

- I found you first.
- Oh, let's not argue.

We'll end up
like Justin Havermann's parents.

I wanted us
to end up like parents, Mac. I did.

Not with children with names like Justin,
obviously, but... What am I gonna do?

You're gonna...

- You're gonna take the long-term option.
- Yeah, but that can't be right.

Of course it's right. You're perfect
for each other. You are completely wonderful.

And he is a complete twat.

It's got to work.

Hasn't it?

Well, yeah.
On paper, it can't fail.

I just wanted you to know.

I knew.

I know.

- We'd better be getting back.
- Yeah.

I can't really take you anywhere
without a helmet. Bit dangerous.

Yeah.

I only parked the car over there
and I'd have to come back, so...

Yeah.

- See you.
- See you. See you.

- What are you doing?
- Disguising my voice.

- What?
- Dis...

Disguising my voice.
I'm the hunter-gatherer here, remember.

- Just get on with it.
- Right, I'm not prepared.

Just go on. Go on.

Can I help you?

Are you all right?

Would you like a glass of water?

Oh, wanking cow turds!

Stop what you're doing
and step away from the cripple.

- Come on.
- No, I've got it under control.

I was quite worried.
He was going blue.

Oh, that's normal for him. He's half Smurf.

This is totally under control, so you back off.

- Right. This is my robbery.
- This is meant to be a robbery?

Not "meant to be".
It bloody is a robbery! I'm... I'm a...

I'm a maniac!
So, you be...

I've killed a man
and I'm... I'm... I'm out of control!

Oh, you bloody...

You bloody!

So let's go through this again, OK? The
champagne represents what you want to do,

which is marry Caroline.

Ah, Bollinger Grande Annйe, vintage 1997.

Now, this, this represents what you should do.
Which is?

- Find out what she really wants.
- Bitter.

No, it's ale. Real ale with beards
and twigs in it. So come on, let's give it a go.

Right. What I wanna do,
what I should do.

- What I wanna do, what I should do.
- Should do.

OK, Guy. Do the right thing.

- You can do it.
- I can do the right thing.

- You didn't even try.
- I did!

How am I supposed to do something
that I don't want to do? It's madness!

- That'll be Ј16.20 please.
- Right, here's 5, 10, 15, and I...

What? She's supposed
to be giving you the money.

Well, she gave me the money
and I'm using it to pay...

Oh, very clever.
Hm? Very clever.

Sorry, but you have to get up pretty bloody
early in the morning to trick Alan St...

Stath... Not his name, there.

Look, she's fucking with us.
You take care of her whilst I get the stuff.

Right. All right.
Um... Right.

How are you?
Would you like a cup of tea?

Take care of her!
You know, do something. Sit on her.

- Just stop her from making any false moves.
- Right, come on, you. Over here.

Come on, lie down.
On the floor, you.

Don't move. No moving!
No false move. Right, lie. Still.

Got her. She's still.

- Right.
- Wanna. Should.

Wanna. Should.

- Use my left hand.
- Nice.

Ready?

Cos it's unsullied
by former disappointments.

In we go.

Yes.

And again.

- Right. OK, we can go.
- Right.

Right. Come on, you.
Up you get. Come on.

- Come on. Up you get. Up, up. Hup.
- Is she all right?

- Yes. Oh, yes. She...
- Is she?

Yes, yes. Yes, she's fine. She's just
probably having a rest, you know. I believe.

If everything's fine and you don't want
to be disturbed, just lie there and say nothing.

There, she's fine. Absolutely fine.
Straight from the horse's mouth.

Alan, she's dead.

Oh, my crikey.
I've sat on her to death.

Right.
We're gonna have to hide the body.

Oh, my God!

- Last time.
- This is the one.

- This is the one.
- What I wanna do, what I should do.

Yes.

Haven't you got that yet?

That feels better.

What shall I do today?

Will it be the five-star hotel
with minibar and chocolates on the pillow?

Or maybe the hairdresser's,
get my shabby roots done.

Yes, or maybe emptying the lavvy bucket.
It is your turn.

And, may I stress, no solids please.

- You do it.
- No. No! I will not do it. It is your turn.

So...

Right.
Have you done solids?

I'm not traipsing into the woods.
I'm not a bloody animal.

Typi... Right.
That's your last warning.

Or shall I just count shitty cows all day?

- Come on. The world is our oyster.
- Oyster?

- Yes, oyster.
- Oyster?

- Oyster.
- What sort of oyster are you talking about?

Are you talking about
the Ј6.50 we've got left in cash?

No sodding clothes.

Oh, actually,
no sodding home and no sodding job,

no sodding life
cos we're wanted for sodding murder.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear me. Bit of a morbid Mary
this morning, aren't we? What's the matter?

- Got out of bed the wrong side?
- Like there's a choice of sides.

Oh, you bloody shitty cow!

Oh, you bloody shitty ponce!

No, not you.
The shitty, patty-poohing...

bloody shitter!

Right.
Which one was it?

You shitters!

Come on.

Come on. Who was it?
Was it you? Brownie? Blackie?

Right. Come on.

There!
You bloody shitter!

That's what it's like. Yes, you see. The boot's
on the other shoe now. Hoof! Isn't it?

You hypocrite!

Go on.
Take the bloody poohs and wees.

I don't believe it!
Bloody sh!

It's not funny!

Halt!

- This office is out of bounds.
- We're in quarantine.

Sorry.

No, we are not!

I slipped.

We'd very much like you
to take over on a temporary basis.

- Say, for a couple of weeks.
- Temporary?

Yeah, well, we will be
looking to advertise the position.

Well, I thought once Joanna had left Human
Resources, I'd be considered for the job.

Yeah, well, the job specifications do...
do change over time,

and, of course,
you know, people change.

- Well, what have you got against me?
- It's not... it's not a question of that, really.

I'm overqualified, I'm a people person.
I mean, I think you'll agree, I'm...

You know,
I'm good at dealing with people.

I'm more than aware of your track record, it's
just we're looking for someone a little less...

- Attractive?
- No.

Well, say it.
It's what you're thinking.

- It really wasn't.
- What is it? Is it my hair?

- No.
- Is it my telephone manner?

No. There's...
there's all sorts of factors involved, so...

- Would you like some hazelnuts?
- No, I wouldn't.

Well... well...

Well, fuck off, then!

Yeah, now you're getting warmer.

Hello?
No, Sue White here. Yes.

I'd really like you to come along and see her.
Yes. Mm-hm. Uh-huh. Mm-hm. Uh-huh.

Yes, thank you very much.

What's wrong with that?
Nothing!

- That's really silly. What if we get thirsty?
- You can use the taps.

- The taps are out there.
- Oh, that's great team spirit, that is.

I don't mind a totem pole,
just put the water at the bottom.

- That would look stupid.
- I don't think it would.

- Who cares what you think, runty?
- Who cares what you think, titty?

Rachel, could you get off there?
I built that podium.

Fuck you, chubby!

- I captured it. It's mine.
- Right.

You're all just stupid girls!

Bloody fuzz.

It's the bloody fuzz!

Act normal.

Can you take the keys out of the ignition
and step out of the vehicle, please, sir?

- All right. Oh!
- It's all right. Sir, sir. I just want a word.

Look, if this is about the pooh on the cow,

can I just say that the cow started it?

Is this your vehicle, sir?

- What? This one?
- Yes, sir.

Yes.

Can you tell me
the registration number, please?

What?
Of this vehicle?

- Yes, sir.
- Front or back?

Both.

- Uh-uh.
- Um...

Has it got consonants?
Is it a number? Is there a vowel?

Can I see your driving licence
and your insurance?

Well, yes, yes, yes,
if you had powerful telescopic vision.

- All right, I'm arresting you on suspicion of...
- Is there a problem, Officer?

50303.

In the van. Five minutes with my lovely sister
and we'll forget all about the arrest?

She's got a nice bottom. Yes?

No, thank you, sir.
50303...

Do something.
Do something!

05...

Stop. What are you...
what are you doing?

- It's peanut butter.
- What?

He might have a nut allergy.
He could get that anaphylactic shock thing.

Are you aware of the percentage of
the population that suffers from a nut allergy?

- No.
- It's tiny. Absolutely tiny.

What were you thinking of?
You've made it worse.

- Well, you told me to do something.
- Well, not just gratuitous smearing!

Oh, my God!

You see? You see?
He's going blotchy.

- That's unbeliev... You are so lucky. So lucky!
- No, no.

No, instinct.
Some of us have it, some of us don't.

We can't just leave him there.
Put him... put him somewhere.

- Someone will find him. Oh, my God!
- Just get him in the van.

Oh, my God! Jesus!

Hello?

Anyone here?

- Bloody women!
- Kill the doctor.

Kill the doctor.
Kill the doctor.

- Actually, he's not a doctor.
- Uh, no, I am a doctor.

Kill the doctor.
Kill the doctor.

Kill the doctor!

Mum! Help me! No!

I don't think so, little man.
Your mummy's gone.

I'm the new mummy on the block.

- Right, you, stand up.
- What?

Get up. Come on.
I'm worried about my fiancйe.

- I'm all right.
- No, you are not. Get up!

Whoa! Why?
What is your problem?

You have to marry her.

Right, I would, but actually I'm a little bit busy
at the moment, dying.

- Guy, what are you doing?
- Marry her. Marry her. Marry her.

Marry her. Marry her. Marry her.
Marry her. Marry her. Marry her!

- Stop it!
- Why? What would be the use?

What would be the...
Fuck use! You love her!

She loves you.
You have to marry her, end of story.

- Great. What about you?
- Oh, don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

As soon as you're dead,
I can have her back. Everyone's happy.

- You really are a massive wanker.
- Yeah, save the emotional stuff for later.

- "Have her back"? I'm not a family heirloom.
- You have some proposing to do. Now.

Or else.

Or else what?

- Or else I'll smash you up.
- Please don't do this.

- You're gonna smash me up, are you?
- Yeah. Up against the wall if I have to.

- Oh, gosh. And, possibly, crikey.
- I mean it.

This actually is slightly about Caroline, isn't it?
And not entirely about you.

- Don't pretend I have feelings.
- OK, I take that bit back.

Good. Now say, "I love you"
and, "Will you marry me?"

I love you and will you marry me?

Not to me. To her.

I love you.
Will you mar...

Marry me?

What?

I love you.

Will you marry me?

You know what, Dr Macartney?

I bloody will.

- What's wrong with you?
- The unexpectedly sour taste of victory.

Ah, yeah. I always find victory
tastes strangely of elderflower.

Right.

I've done a good thing.

I've done a good thing.

- I've done a good thing?
- Guy, guess what just happened to me.

That feels better.

Hello?

Hello, hello? Hello?

Hello?
Is that Boyce? Hello?

Hello, Dr Statham, is that you?

It's m...

Oh...

# Hello

# Is it me you're looking for?

# I can see it in your eyes

# I can see it in your smile

# You're all I've ever wanted

# And my arms are open wide

Dr Statham,
are you serenading me with Lionel Richie?

Boy... Boyce.

No. No, I called to say...

I...

I just called to say that...

the parrot and the parakeet

are flying west by moonlight.

OK.

Bye.

Right, come on.
Come on, Alan.

Uh...

Excuse me.

- Coincidence?
- Go and get changed.

I can't.
It's glued on.

- Brilliant!
- I thought so.

That's it, then. No more fucking petrol,
no more fucking money,

end of the fucking road.
Cheers.

Oh, no, no,
my petulant little pessimist.

- I have been tinkering.
- Have you been selling clothes pegs again?

No, just a bit of basic surgery
on the engine.

You don't know fuck all about engines.
Or surgery.

No, no, bodies and engines are very similar in
many ways. I just adapted it to run on biofuel.

It's using alcohol
and fermented excrement.

You shat in my vodka?

Well, needs must, my darling.
It's all a matter of priorities.

You bastard! My vodka!
You said you didn't know where it had got to.

All right, just hand in the policeman
and claim a reward.

I don't know, sell the bloody van and buy
lots of vodka with the proceeds. I don't know!

Well, yeah.
I suppose that's a thought.

Oh, my fucksy!

You twat!

You're Swiss.
You should be wearing lederhosen.

I can't believe I let you wear a kilt.

Yeah, well, at least I didn't get mine
from Dorothy Perkins. Look at him.

Yeah.

Kilts are brilliant. You get to wear
a dagger in your sock. How cool is that?

- Sgian-dhu.
- Bless you.

I did ask the man about maybe
getting an Uzi semiautomatic,

but he said apparently for a wedding
a dagger would be better.

I suppose it's quieter.
It's not as efficient, though.

I could take out everyone here
in about 30 seconds.

Speed dating now, are you?

Nice.

Welcome, everyone.

Yes. Of course, the Namib tribespeople
would probably just dig a shallow trench

and then lie low for a few days.

Right. Option one,
we give ourselves up.

Next option, please.

Option two, we try to cross the Channel
and start a new life in Spain.

- Dear, no. Sounds hideous.
- Why? What's wrong with Spain?

Nothing wrong with Spain. It's the Spanish.
You know, the sort of sweaty, surly-browed,

hairy-arsed, siestary, lisping,

- Catholic...
- My mother was a Catholic.

Yes, well, English Catholics are different.
They're not quite so Spanishy.

Yes, all right, then.
Option three, we kill ourselves.

- Is there an option four?
- No.

Shame.

Oh, well.

Death it is, then.

And so to the vows.

Do you...

...Macartney, take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

- I do.
- No!

What?

I wanted to hear his real name.
He won't ever tell me.

- Oh, well, get the man to go back a bit.
- Did someone say no?

Um...

- Yeah, me.
- Did you have an objection?

No, it's just that
I didn't hear earlier, the...

I wonder if you could rewind
and go back and do...

- Whoa, whoa. Hang on.
- Guy, what are you doing?

Yeah, well, I've changed my mind.
Marry me. Don't marry him, marry me.

- But you said...
- Yeah, but look at me in my kilt.

I look fantastic, and you look OK in that.

And it's the sky and the arbour
and everything. This is the moment.

- But I do love him.
- Yes, right. Yeah.

- I do.
- Yeah. I understand.

OK. Sorry.
Please continue.

# We're going to die,
we're going to die

# Ee-i-addy-o

You may kiss the bride.

Now, then.

This is for you to swallow.
A little key.

This is for me to swallow.
A little soldier.

- Explain.
- For the pathologists.

Alan, I'm not a bloody Kinder egg!

Well, imagine them trying to work it all out.
Do you see? Eh?

A small key, a tiny soldier,
what's it all about?

We can drive them insane
from beyond the grave.

- Come on.
- Yeah. I like it.

- Yeah, go on.
- Cheers.

That's got it.

It's not how I imagined it would be.

I suppose when I pictured it,
there was music.

I don't know, sort of sad music.

- Oh...
- Oh, do shut up!

Fair enough.

You lucky boy.

You know what they say. Look at the mother
and that's what you'll get in 30 years' time.

Thank God I'm dying.

Have that. Drink it.
It'll put hair on your chest.

- Hey. Hi.
- Hey. Hi.

Do you remember
when we had that fling?

You know how it is, it's history now, of course.
We all have a big laugh about it.

You know,
pretend it never happened.

- It never happened.
- Hm?

Oh, well, yeah.
That's the spirit.

Anyway, you know, I thought I was
going to have to lower my standards a little,

but can I introduce you to Jeremy?
Jeremy, darling.

- Hi, there.
- Hello, mate. Nice to meet you.

Congratulations. You look stunning.
Well, you both do.

- Thanks very much.
- So, um... So who chose the music?

All right, you're boring us now, Corky.
Come on.

- Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
- Hey.

So, now that you're married,
why don't you adopt me?

No.

OK? Look, it's gone now.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, what are you gonna have
on your gravestone?

I thought maybe vertical stripes.
Something slimming.

- Right. Have you made a will?
- I left everything to you.

Good. That's good.

- Including your wife...
- Except my wife.

I'm very good with widows. They like me.
I'm very sensitive with the recently bereaved.

- I'm sure you are.
- Yeah.

But I will wait until the wake
before I make my move, as a mark of respect.

Oh. That is really decent of you.

Because graveside
is when I'm at my best. Yeah.

A handkerchief,
a shoulder to cry on, the comforting hug.

Thanks, mate.

Oh, and when I...
when I make love to my wife tonight,

I shall smile to myself,
safe in the knowledge that after me,

you will pale into insignificance,

in that even from beyond the grave
I'm a better lay than you.

- No, you're not.
- I am.

- No, you're not.
- Oh, I am.

- No, you're not.
- I am.

No, you're not.

Because I fuck
better than a dead husband!

Last one in's a stinky hairdresser.

That is such a rubbish dance, isn't it?

I'm Swiss.

It's amazing.
I can't believe we've finally made it.

- It was only three flights.
- You know what I mean.

Yeah, I do.

I've always known what you've meant.

- Have you?
- Yep.

- There's just one thing missing.
- What's that?

No cake.

- You had cake.
- I dropped it.

- Oh, you want your cake and eat it?
- Yes, please.

OK, then, Mrs Mac.

Close your eyes and...

hang on a sec.

Isn't it funny how things turn out?

Whoa! Hang on!

Hold on.

Where's my bloody cake?

Whoo!

Open your eyes!

OK, I've got you, I've got you.
I've got you. I've got you.

- Hold on!
- I've got her.

- You're not wearing any pants!
- Don't look.

- Look at your growler.
- What?

I spent so long trying to get in there,
and look at it!