Green Wing (2004–2007): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
Alan Statham finally gets a car! However, he is distressed when he discovers that he only gets parking priority over a skip. Guy's search for a new apartment does not go particularly well, so he is forced to consider sharing. The bad luck for Guy continues this episode, when he has to do his community service, which results in his teaching children the concept of "Guyball". Sue White discovers ...
Those bits of my memory,
they're probably wiped for good,
but I'm very glad that I'm catching up.
It feels like you and I
probably got on really well.
- I feel a lot more grr.
- Oh, dear. Just lend yourself to me.
You may not smack my bare bottom.
You are trying to get fully reinstated.
How stupid can you be?
Look into my eyes.
What's wrong with you? Come on.
You have got a rubbish vagina.
I love you.
I love you too.
(beeping)
There we are.
Oh.
Hello.
Dr Alan Statham, new car owner.
There she is. I wonder if you could indicate
where my parking space will be?
(woman screams)
Statham. W25.
- And where exactly is that?
- In overflow car park B.
Right.
And where exactly would that be?
Right, well,
you've got to go down here, swing a left...
- Whoa. OK?
- Oh, that was great!
- Keep going right.
- No, no, there must be some mistake.
No. No, no, there's no mistake.
'Dr Statham, radiologist.'
- Consultant radiologist. Statham.
- Whatever. That's your space.
- No, I should be over in one of those spaces.
- Sorry. They're reserved for doctors.
I am a bloody doctor,
you flappy-coated, fluorescent-gileted,
immigrated ignoramus!
Yeah, well, proper doctors.
Surgeons. People like him.
- He doesn't need a space. He's got a bike.
- Yeah, well, he's still got a space. A3.
But he doesn't use it.
Well, no, but it's still his.
We'll see about that. Oh, yes.
Up it goes. The barrier please.
Come on, press the button.
All right, I'll vault it.
That's not proper hair.
(car horn)
- Morning.
- Hm?
- Oh, a fish tank.
- Oh, well spotted.
- I don't think your fish is very well.
- Of course it isn't. It's dead.
- Oh. That's a shame.
- No, it's not. I bought it dead.
It's there because it's dead and I'm not.
I'm alive. Ha!
Right.
You idiot.
You dead gold idiot.
I'm not dead, I'm alive.
Come on. Mush!
All right, Lance Armstrong, this will do.
(groans)
- How much is that?
- It's GBP249, please.
GBP249 for severe anal bruising?
W bloody... Huh!
That's it. That's it. Yes, oh, yes.
Put yourself in there, Alan,
why don't you? Right. Right.
Bloody Metro!
Get out the way!
Oh, careful.
Come on. Right.
You...!
It's just a mirror.
Just a mirror. All is vanity.
Oops. No.
Try again. Back out.
Advanced driving.
Get in there!
Come on, get in there!
Get in, car. Get in.
Right.
Time for work.
- Hey.
- 'Hey.'
- Makeup?
- Yeah, for Karen.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Mr Generous. Sure you can afford it?
- That is top quality. That cost a fortune.
Then you've wasted your money, haven't you?
It'll be like icing a dog turd.
Dress it up how you like,
it's still a dog turd.
- I think she's gonna look pretty.
- Is it magic makeup?
- No.
- Then you're wrong, aren't you?
She's gonna look like
a deformed dog clown.
Look, she's not deformed.
She's my girlfriend.
- Yeah, not really.
- Yeah, really.
She's a girl, she's my friend -
she's a girlfriend.
Well, Mac's a boy and he's your friend,
so is he your boyfriend?
- No.
- Then are you gonna buy him makeup?
- No.
- So your argument doesn't hold up, does it?
- No.
- You're gonna have to practise arguing,
because I really do like a bit of a challenge,
all right? Oh, look. Here she comes.
You can tell the Billy Goats Gruff
it's safe to cross the bridge now!
- Is he saying that I look like an ugly troll?
- No, ignore him.
- Is that for me?
- Yep. A little present.
Well, I mean,
only small in size, not in cost,
cos actually it's big monetarily.
- Makeup?
- Yeah. You like it?
I'm an ugly troll.
- Are you all right?
- Yes. This thing just fell off my car.
- It's your exhaust.
- Yes.
Well, hopefully it's the last bad thing that can
happen to me. I've had my three in 15 hours.
This, Robbie's been excluded from school
for a week for peeing on the Virgin Mary
and my husband's thinking about leaving me
for Rosie pin-legs, slitty-eyed Kendall,
but he hasn't decided yet, so here's hoping
the day gets a teensy bit better!
And how are you?
- Yeah, I'm OK.
- Oh, good.
- Hey, that's gonna be...
- It's hot! It's hot! Hot! Hot!
How are you supposed to decide?
You've got to narrow it down,
draw up a list of essentials.
Do you want a garden?
Do you want access to a station?
Yeah, I'm not interested in any of that crap.
Here, I've made a list.
'Must have plasma TV.'
Is that it? Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
'Characterful.' You might as well just say,
'Listing to one side and riddled with mould.'
- Property ads?
- Lonely hearts.
Yeah, I'm looking
for a new investment propertywise.
Oh, what's wrong with the old flat?
Things happened in it.
It's probably best to get a new place,
move on.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
And I managed to sell my old flat
for four times what I paid for it.
That's good.
Four times.
Yeah.
Seriously, though, four times.
- You should tell the nurses.
- Really?
- Yeah, they'd love to hear that.
- Cool.
- They're gonna rip him to shreds.
- Yeah. Four times, hopefully.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Oh, my God. What's that smell?
- What smell?
- That vegetable smell.
- Oh, gross!
- That's my shoes.
- Well, wash your feet or something. Jesus!
It's not my feet, it's my shoes.
- They're vegetarian.
- Excuse me?
I'm wearing vegetarian shoes.
- I object to wearing leather.
- They stink.
They're made out of natural by-products.
- What? Like shit?
- No, like banana skins, bamboo.
- You're wearing shoes made from bananas?
- No, these are gecko.
- Gecko's an animal.
- What?
- Yeah, it's a sort of lizard.
- Oh, my God!
Yep, you're wearing lizard-skin shoes.
Murderer.
Ugh!
- You just hit that pigeon.
- Double murderer!
Doctor...
Doct...
Mr Macartney, I'd like to talk to you
about your car parking space.
I was thinking about
putting some carrots on it.
I think you should
sign the space over to me.
- I don't think so.
- You don't need it, not with a bike.
It's my little piece of land,
where I can relax and get away from it all.
- That's... that's my mug.
- Oh.
- 'World's greatest lover' of...?
- Of women, obviously.
- Was there a ceremony?
- No, it's a gift from a friend.
- Who was that?
- (stammers) Jo... Jo... M-my mother.
- Your mother?
- Yes.
- Did your mum discover this first-hand?
- Don't be disgusting! Give it back.
- I've not finished yet.
- Hurry up!
Right, that's enough.
Come on. Decant it.
- What?
- Decant it into another receptacle.
- Sorry, did you mean to say receptacle?
- I did s-say...
You said testicle.
'Decant it into another testicle.'
I demand my mug back!
Now you've said bum crack.
Did you really want to demand bum crack?
- What we need around here is more respect!
- Sorry, you meant to say respect.
- I... That's... I said respect.
- No, you said, 'Tickle my balls'.
- I... You...
- 'Tickle my balls.' I heard it very clearly.
Stupid! Stupid!
Right, well, yes.
The powers that be will decide
what to do about your little carrot patch.
Yes. You'll see. Oh, you'll see.
- Who are you calling a parrot's snatch?
- You...!
Everyone says that's a bargain.
Can't see it myself.
No, me neither.
30 quid for a cello?
Rip off.
'Room for rent with Dr Todd.'
Nightmare.
Oh.
Looky, looky, looky.
'Life-drawing classes at lunchtimes.'
'Materials and model supplied.'
- Hi, are you OK?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Homeless, community service,
I'm like a big kid at Christmas.
Yeah, sorry.
Painting, cleaning, community sports coaching.
No one could be as excited as me.
I'm excited. Progress with Mac. Things may be
coming back about the day of the accident.
- Does he remember he tried to rape me?
- No, I think he knows about me and him.
But it's OK, there's no rush.
I'll just let things develop.
It's not like Emmy's a threat any more,
and Holly's all tied up with a husband, so...
- Huh.
- What?
- Nothing.
- You just said 'huh'.
No, I didn't.
- You know something, don't you?
- Just something Angela said. It's nothing.
What?
- Not the face.
- Tell me.
I'd be betraying
the confidence of a friend.
OK. Yeah, yeah.
I can respect that.
OK. Holly split up with her husband
and she wishes she'd never let go of Mac.
Oh, dear.
That just sort of slipped out.
He doesn't use it. He's practically
a Hell's Angel. He doesn't use it.
- He doesn't warrant a whole space.
- I see.
- Well, I demand it. Hand it over to me.
- No.
- What do you mean, no?
- No. You can't have Dr Macartney's space.
The space is allocated to Surgery,
not Radiology.
Well... well, I object.
- Good for you. Goodbye.
- Well, no. No.
Not goodbye, actually.
Not goodbye.
Right, let me put it another way.
Yeah, well... Yes, well,
don't think I don't know what's going on.
No, I... Yes.
Makes no difference to me.
You... Well, well you may.
Well, mm-hm.
All right. Don't think... Yes.
Don't...
Yes, well, that's, uh...
Don't...
Don't think...
Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.
Don't think... don't think I don't know
what's going on there because this...
- Oh. This isn't the end of it.
- Oh, I think it is.
No, no, this isn't the end.
This isn't the end of the matter. Um, I'll...
Right, I shall...
Goodbye to you.
No.
Oh! Sorry.
Sorry. No.
Coming through here!
Oh, lovely.
Thank you.
- What did you do then?
- I stole an ambulance.
- Wicked.
- Yeah.
- Did you sell it on?
- No, I drove off a cliff.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
- Why?
- I was avoiding a sheep in a field.
- What about you? What did you do?
- Graffiti on the bridge.
Oh, right. So sort of the punishment
fits the crime, you know. What did you write?
Was it your...
'tag'?
No, it was class war.
'Death to the middle classes.'
(imitates cockney accent) Yeah.
Fuckin' right!
- Don't do that.
- Sorry.
Nice deep breaths.
That's it, nice and slowly.
Right.
Hup!
There we are.
Don't worry.
Right, there we are.
Don't worry, I'm not your baby. Just...
There we go.
Easy does it.
There. Yes.
I thought I might help it along a bit.
All right, Guy?
- Missed a bit.
- (whispers) Go away. Go away.
A lot of people seem to know you.
Do you work here?
Yeah, I'm a... porter.
A what?
(imitates cockney accent) A por-ahhh.
- A por-ah!
- Oh, yeah?
Keep up. Yeah.
I just push stuff araaaaand.
- Doctors, eh? Wankers, in't they?
- Yeah. Well, although...
- What?
- Nothing.
Morning, Dr Secretan.
Winker!
What a total nurb.
Kno... Nib. Knob. Nub!
You nub!
You fricking nib. Knob.
Nub.
Wanker.
Oh, bollocks!
Right, let's have a check underneath,
see how it's going.
Yeah, lovely.
Just see the head.
Right.
Well done. Excellent.
- It's great without Guy, isn't it?
- Mm.
- It's like we're proper doctors.
- All grown-up and sensible.
OK, how about types of fish? I bet you that
I can name more types of fish than you can.
Yes, I expect you can.
(Mac) Hm.
Oh, have you seen
that new Irish nurse, eh?
Phwoar.
She's a bit of all right, eh? Huh?
I'm a married man, so...
OK, here's one. How many kidney dishes
can you balance on your head? I can do 14.
I bet you can't beat 14.
I'm sure I can't.
You must have a very good sense of balance.
Yeah.
Well, yeah. I have.
If I could have your attention please,
little people?
Thank you. That's better.
Today we're going to learn a new game
called Guyball.
- Gheeball.
- Has anyone heard of it?
Well, this is Guy Secretan and he's very kindly
agreed to teach you the rules.
I haven't agreed to do anything.
I have to do it. It's community service
cos I was a very naughty man.
- What did you do?
- Your mum, then I ate her. Next question?
Dr Secret Man,
I do have to file a report on you.
No, no, that's all part of the training. That's
what we Guyballers do - insult the opponents.
We call it 'splicing the Matterhorn' . Let's give
it a go. Why don't we all insult each other?
Come on. All right.
Come on, Wheelie. You have a go.
- Cockspanker.
- Cockspanker's weird.
- Dickhead!
- You're a dickhead.
- Wanker!
- Yeah, all right. That's probably enough.
Twat.
Right, let's go.
How's it working for you?
It's almost like he's back with us.
That's great.
Can you say something really twattish?
- Like what?
- Oh, I don't know, like, uh...
Switzerland has the highest average
sperm count in the world.
- Actually, can I take this off?
- (both) No.
It's for the younger patients.
It makes them happy.
- They're asleep.
- What if they wake up really suddenly?
I'll make sure they don't wake up.
Murderer.
I actually think that's in very poor taste.
(both) Ooooooh.
- (Guy) Right, what's this called?
- A maison?
No! I've already explained
what a maison is. Jesus!
An Emmenthal loop?
- Am I crouching?
- No.
- Am I displaying a cleft mitten?
- No.
Then how the fucking hell
can it be an Emmenthal loop?
- It's a classical heist.
- It looks like a classical heist,
but when the topmiler
is geometrically loaded, it's a...
- (all) Fat chalet.
- Fat chalet.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Right.
Commence!
All the blues over here.
Right.
See that post over there? We're gonna run to
that post. Are you ready? One, two, three, go!
What are you doing?
Stickles are orthodox
and it's a four-bounce ubique.
Aaaaaaaaargh!
Right, you. No, don't...
Shh, don't be alarmed. I'm a radiologist.
- You are?
- I'm not telling you who I am.
- No, I need to know what you do.
- Do?
- Your job. What's your bloody job?
- I'm a laundry operative.
Laundry.
Yes, unbelievable, isn't it? Look.
Cook, cook, odd-jobman,
nurse, nurse.
Me, radiologist, skip. How does that work?
Hm? How does that bloody work?
No, don't go, because I need you to sign...
I need you to sign my pet...
I need you to sign my peti...
All right.
- Just wait there a second. Now then.
- (car starts)
Don't drive off.
- (Kim) Policy review papers.
- Go away.
- Have you gone away?
- No.
If you're having trouble,
you should really see somebody.
I'm not having trouble.
What makes you think I am?
- It's just you...
- When my eyes are tired, I use eye drops.
Is that a crime? Is it?
No, it isn't, but that's liquid paper.
I know.
Ow. Oh.
Oh!
You surgeons think you're God's gift
with your nimbleness and your scrubbing up
and your scrubbing down
and your preferential parking.
Thank you.
Well, you're wrong,
because I am like the architect.
You are the navvies
who just come and do the dirty work.
We are the fighter pilots of the hospital.
You are the idiots with the Ping-Pong bats
showing us where to park.
No. No, no, no.
A monkey could do your job.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
- Which monkey?
- Just a monkey.
What's his name?
We need all the surgeons we can get.
- He's called Graham.
- Graham? Graham the monkey.
- Yes.
- Hm. Could you get me an introduction?
- No. He's gone on holiday.
- Oh.
Where's he gone?
Somewhere nice?
Wye Valley.
Canoeing.
Where's the nudie?
Martin!
- What are you doing here?
- I've just come to let my artistic juices flow.
What happened? Did somebody snap your
bits off? You're smoother than an Action Man.
I'm the model.
I'm strapped for cash, so...
Um, what's that?
Well, I thought that, you know,
if it just looked like I was naked,
that would be good enough,
so I made this out of some old tights.
Please take it off.
Right.
Ooh.
- (teacher) Take a seat.
- Yeah.
- Doreen from Prisoner.: Cell Block H, isn't it?
- Oh, yeah, here we go.
Anyone would think
the staff here had never seen overalls.
- Do you know what makes my blood boil?
- Gas mark 4? Blowtorch? Gingerism?
Yes, yes, and no.
Also cosmetic surgery.
It is such a waste of resources.
If you've had an accident, that is fine.
If it's for vanity, it's completely obscene.
You know what? I have to say, for once,
I'm entirely in agreement with you.
Then I must be wrong.
I'll rethink my position.
Why go to such extremes when
there are other things a woman could do?
The world seems strange
and unfamiliar.
I've never met a woman yet who doesn't look
better with my bollocks resting on her chin.
- 100% improvement right there.
- And once again order has been restored.
(teacher) Uh, Martin,
you'll have to take those off.
No, your undercrackers.
We haven't all coughed up 75 quid
to paint a wee elf in his Y-fronts, so come on.
Pop off your little pants
and straddle the chair.
OK, but promise
you don't look at my cock.
Well, that's the whole point
of you being here,
so that the students
can study every part of you in fine detail.
- What, including my cock?
- Yes. Including your cock.
I don't like the idea
of them doing it without me knowing.
Can we have a system that when anybody's
staring at my cock, they put their hand up?
In real life, or just in here?
Just in here really.
- Martin!
- What?
Wee Willie Winkie's not so wee!
Nearly had my...
nearly had my eye out with that.
Yeah, I don't want to speak to you.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
No, get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Bri...
- She's getting him.
- Did you make her cry?
- Yeah.
- You must be very proud.
- You've got paperclips stuck to your hand.
- Have I?
Oh, it must be a full moon.
My hand goes magnetic, I don't know...
Brian!
At fucking last!
Listen,
I asked for a two-bedroom house.
You've sent me three flats,
a studio apartment and a haystack.
Yeah, thatched cottage my scrotum.
What are you going to do about it?
- Redfern Road, nice or nasty?
- Hm. Quite nice. There's a tree.
OK, I'm listening.
Yeah. Mm-hm.
Yep. Right, OK.
Neighbours?
Brian.
Brian, what did I say to you?
Hey? What...
I said no old people, no kids,
no dogs, no hippies, no farmers and?
No hairdressers!
You're fucking useless, Brian!
No! No, no, no. No, no.
My price range is not the problem, Brian.
You are the problem.
Oh, just put the girl back on.
Well, tell her to blow her nose
and put the girl back on.
Put the girl back on.
Put the girl back on.
Put the girl back on. Put the girl back on.
Put the girl... Hello? Hello?
- Blacklisted?
- I might be.
- How many's that now then?
- I don't know.
- Ballpark figure will do.
- All of them.
Mm-hm.
- Beach Drive?
- Too close to the sea.
- What are you doing?
- 90% of notes are coated in cocaine residue.
- I'm cleaning them.
- Ooh, cocaine.
- Very rock and... I've never taken any drugs.
- Never?
Well, I've had epidurals.
They were quite nice.
- And gas and air. And I like Tia Maria.
- We could help you out.
- If you're feeling adventurous.
- Oh, no, I don't think so.
- Why are you smiling then?
- I don't know.
- Stop it.
- What?
- That.
- I'm just smiling.
- I know.
- So do you want me to stop?
- Yes. No.
- Well, I'll carry on then.
Do you, um...
- Want to come round my gaff?
- Your gaff?
- That's not rude.
- I'm not coming if it's not rude.
Guess who?
- Holly.
- Hi!
So don't I get a hello?
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Holly.
- I'm Caroline.
You're an old friend.
Not that old.
We were together for six years.
We were together for six seconds.
And then you put your hands over his eyes.
- Can I ask a personal question?
- Yes, you may.
They are in fact real,
but you of all people should know that.
Yeah, the question is,
why are you here?
Is it because
here is where I start work today?
- You're joking.
- I know. Isn't it fantastic?
- It's gonna be just like old times.
- It won't be like old times at all probably.
I just mean that we'll be working
in the same hospital.
Yes, that. Yeah. But that'll be
the only similarity, I should think.
I couldn't believe my luck.
I'd just come off the plane from New York.
I was keeping a lookout for a placement,
and then Angela rings me
to say she's leaving her job here,
and I'm like, 'Ah!' Brilliant timing or what?
What.
Sorry. Is there a problem?
- Yes.
- No.
Oh, well. What a lot of fun
we're all going to have together.
Yeah, it's gonna be great.
I see I've made
a fab new friend already.
Yeah, well, um, we have to get off to theatre,
Mac and me, me and Mac, don't we?
- Yeah, we do. Yeah.
- OK, great.
Have a good time. I should try and find out
where the locker rooms are.
I think someone was gonna show me,
you know, but I don't know where they went.
- Mac...
- I'm just...
No, I'm just gonna point her stupid nose
in the right direction.
I'll see you in theatre.
- This way.
- You loved my stupid nose, remember?
Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim. Yeah. I just wanted
to say thanks for organising the eye thing.
Oh, that's OK.
Shitting hilarious.
You all think you're so farting funny,
don't you?
Where the hell is Mac?
You don't trust him.
You think he might be with Holly.
- Don't be ridiculous. Of course I trust him.
- Yeah, you don't trust him.
You think he might be
cuddling her and kissing her
and loving her and fingering her...
Swiss mouth shut!
Perhaps they've eloped.
Shut up now or I will slit your throat,
so help me God.
Ta-da!
(sings clown music)
And if he sees you playing puppets again,
he will kill you. And I will gladly help him.
(knocking at door)
- Come.
- Some...
Can you take that down please?
No.
Well, can I buy it?
No.
Get out.
(mobile rings)
Mungo. Mungo!
Mungooo!
Hello... It's Mungo.
Hello, you jizz fountain. How are you?
Yeah.
Hm.
- Hello.
- (Mac) What are you doing here?
Hm? Oh, I just thought
I would park myself in your space. Hm?
Make sure that
there are no car-diac problems.
- It's quite a simple procedure actually.
- Oh. Oh, is it? Oh, is it indeed, Mrs Todd?
So... so you would be prepared,
would you, if something like this happened?
Oh, dear. There seem to be
some complications now, Mr Blue Peter Boy.
- What did he just do?
- He just took the gall bladder.
- No, I didn't.
- You did. It's in your hand.
No, it isn't.
Open your hand.
Open your hand.
Are you eating the patient?
No.
(gags)
- Dr Statham's eaten a gall bladder.
- I haven't.
Open your mouth.
- Open your mouth and spit it out.
- Open your mouth.
All gone!
(Statham retches)
(whimpers)
You will not believe
what has just occurred.
I know. Mungo's prosthetic cock
snapped off inside some bint.
He was too embarrassed to tell her, so she
went home with it. She's still got it up her.
- Hey, did you call for IT support?
- Yes.
I can't seem to make
these words big enough.
That's more of a software thing
than an IT issue.
But let's see what we can do.
Which words do you want to make bigger?
'7th' , 'Robbie's Birthday Party'
and 'Balloons'.
- It's not a work thing as such.
- It's no problem.
You just highlight the bits you want
and then you click on this button here.
Oh!
- Can you make them bigger than that?
- Yeah.
- And can you make them bright pink?
- Pink?
- Isn't Robbie a boy?
- He's gay.
Maybe a picture of a kitten?
Oh, that's brilliant!
Thank you so much.
Any time.
- Oooooooooh!
- Fuck off!
Hi. Hi, Carol, isn't it?
- Nearly.
- Yes! Sorry, Carol. I need that.
Sorry.
- You weren't hiding, were you?
- No.
It's just I came round the corner,
I caught your eye, and you were like this.
No, it's just I'm myopic. I'm short-sighted.
I have to have things very, very close.
Poor you. Because I do appreciate that
things are pretty awkward between you and I.
I mean, what with me
being his most significant ex and you...
Mm-hm.
..being whatever it is that you are.
It's just, I think... I just think it would be
really nice if we could just get along.
Yeah, no, absolutely. Personally,
I get along with lots of people. Loads.
I'm always getting along with people.
I have since I was a baby.
- Although when I was 13 I didn't get on...
- Now I've made you witter.
- You haven't. I don't witter.
- Great, because we could make it as friends.
And I would hate you to think for a second
that I am in any way interested in Paul.
- Who?
- Paul. Sorry, what do you call him? In Mac.
Sorry, I used to call him Paul.
- He used to call me John.
- Why? Were you a man?
(giggles) Only at the weekends!
No, no. It was a silly thing, really.
It was just Lennon and McCartney -
best combination in the world.
Until one of them died,
of course. Shot.
And I just wanted to explain
that despite how I felt about him then,
I'm not here to lure Mac away from you.
I don't think you could lure him anyway.
Right. No.
Well, I'm sure you're right.
Um...
You know,
you're so much nicer than you seem.
- Mac is so lucky to have had you as a friend.
- Has, has, has, has me as a friend.
Yeah, 'has' , that's what I said.
Had. Yeah.
OK, I'm off, mate.
See you.
OK. Yeah, yeah.
Bye, then, John.
Linda.
No! No, stop it!
Everybody go away. This isn't...
- Put the sausage off! Sausages off.
- Hey, guys.
Don't talk to me.
I've got no eyes... No ears for you. No ears.
Boyce! Leave them alone.
They've probably got chlamydia. Come on!
And you are here because?
Uh... I've got no idea.
Do you have to have that there?
Yeah.
Right.
- Did you paint it?
- Oh, yeah.
- You know, he's not that big in real life.
- He is.
You know, you could paint me.
Not got enough paint?
You know, if he's that size,
that's me.
And that's Mac. And I know that
because I watch him when he showers.
I've got nothing to say to you people.
- Apart from that.
- Yes.
- And that.
- Yes. Sh! Stop it.
- Shame cos he won't be able to thank us.
- Oh, yeah.
For what? For being a pair
of cocky-headed little interferers?
No, no. Actually,
for fixing you up with a new parking space.
- What?
- Yeah, sorted.
- Is it... is it closer?
- Well, it's as close as we could get it.
- Yeah.
- Right. I see.
- But we did the best we could.
- We felt guilty, to be honest.
- I suppose an apology is in order then.
- No, don't say a word.
- Well, thank you very much.
- Yeah, an apology has to be in writing.
I shouldn't judge a book by its cover.
I shouldn't judge the books
by their covers.
I feel a new mutual respect
has been achieved.
So...
So that's very good.
Right.
I know I've been a bit embarrassed
about these, but what the hell.
If you need glasses, you need glasses.
So, um...
get your sniggering
over and done with.
- Very nice.
- Really?
- Yeah, they really suit you.
- Oh, thanks.
It's amazing what you miss
and you don't even realise. Look, look, see.
'The implications of article 18A, B and C...'
See, no problem.
Fucking hell!
My hands! What's happened to my hands?
They're chicken's feet.
Christ!
My eyes.
My old, old fucking eyes.
My hands, my eyes,
my eyes, my hands! My...
Ugh!
So the woman in New York
is a friend of Mark's brother.
And the administrator is only married to
his sister. The whole thing is very incestuous.
- Whoa, are you all right?
- Sorry. Sorry.
I'm fine.
So,
what did you make of the Big Apple?
A big apple crumble.
- Glad to see you haven't grown up.
- Oh, no, he has. He's a Big Mac now.
So basically I had this choice
between a well-paid job over here
or something more intellectually stimulating
over there. A chance to give something back.
Maybe leaving
was the craziest thing I ever did,
apart from letting Mac go, of course.
(Mac) I remember
the craziest thing you did.
Not now. Guy, what was
the craziest thing you ever did?
- I screwed my mum.
- Nice. Nice one.
- Yeah, no, what Guy means actually...
- Well, no, no, let me finish.
I screwed my mum up
by doing really dangerous sports
and risking my neck for no apparent reason.
- Yeah.
- (Caroline) Yeah, yeah. It drove her mad.
- What dangerous sports?
- Yeah, what sports?
Well, you know, like...
jet skiing.
Jet skiing?
Is that dangerous?
Standard jet skiing, no,
but this was the sort
where you strap the jet engine
from an aeroplane to the back and let it rip.
300 miles an hour.
- 300 miles an hour?
- Yeah. Yes.
Wow.
Voom.
- Splash.
- Splash?
- Voom, splash, surely.
- Have you ever done it?
- No.
- Shut up then.
Yeah, OK. Cheers.
It must have really screwed your mum up.
Hello.
Well.
Oh. Well, well, well.
Well...
Well. Well, bloody...
Bloody well.
Oh, yeah?
That's, uh...
Well, well, well. Hm.
Well, well, bloody...
You bloody...
Now we're alone,
I hear there's a room going in your house.
- Uh, no, I don't think so.
- All right, let me put it another way.
Now Angela has been sold
into porn slavery in sunny Toronto...
- Has she?
- Well, you know, who cares?
There is a space in your place
and there's me
needing somewhere to be,
and, you know,
the problems interweave like a Jacquard loom.
- I don't understand.
- It's a primitive punch-card system.
- I wasn't talking about the loom.
- Can I have a room in your flat?
- House.
- House. Can I?
Just for a bit,
until I get myself sorted out.
Please? Don't look at him.
Don't look at him, look at me.
Please? I need somewhere.
My life's so complex and difficult.
- It's just complex and hard. Can I please?
- Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, whatever! Yes!
Yes!
A sabot, or the sabot,
was a kind of wooden clog
worn by impoverished French workers.
As a protest against the Jacquard loom, which
they thought would take away their jobs,
they'd throw their sabots, or wooden clogs,
into the delicate machinery
to destroy its working, from which
we get the modern word 'sabotage'.
Yeah, right. Now you've??harshed my buzz,
have you got a point?
If your plan to move in with Caroline is in any
way an attempt to sabotage our relationship,
I will hit you in the fucking face
with a big wooden clog.
- Found it.
- Great.
Has Caroline gone already?
Oh, dear.
What was the first bit again?
About the... the loom?
Flatmate!
- Where do you think you're going?
- You were giving me a lift.
No.
Well, I thought we'd agreed so that,
you know, I can inspect my new lodgings.
We agreed nothing. I have to tidy up first.
You can't just come round tonight.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
I'm not sure, but...
I think I just saw a snake
getting into your car.
Would you feel safer if I came with you?
The door is locked.
How would a snake be getting into it?
- Through the exhaust.
- Guy, the answer is no.
Hey, guys. Paul's giving me a ride and then
we might go and get something to eat.
No, I never said that.
I just said a lift.
Carolyn,
where's the best place to eat around here?
Oh, uh...
I can't remember.
Maybe we could all go.
We could just all go together.
Uh, no. I think Guy and I
will just get a snack back at home.
- OK. See you.
- Yeah.
- Ciao. Bye.
- Bye, bye, bye, bye.
I think I just found your snake.
02728.
Yes. Um...
Yes, yes.
Oh, of course, yeah.
Just, um...
There we are. Yes.
Yes, of course. Safety first. Yes.
Well, it's just you and me now
against the world. Bonnie and Clyde.
Please, please shut up.
Yes, I'm standing by the vehicle.
- Can I sit in the front?
- In the back.
- Please.
- In the back.
All right, then you're my chauffeur.
Not long now.
Yeah.
they're probably wiped for good,
but I'm very glad that I'm catching up.
It feels like you and I
probably got on really well.
- I feel a lot more grr.
- Oh, dear. Just lend yourself to me.
You may not smack my bare bottom.
You are trying to get fully reinstated.
How stupid can you be?
Look into my eyes.
What's wrong with you? Come on.
You have got a rubbish vagina.
I love you.
I love you too.
(beeping)
There we are.
Oh.
Hello.
Dr Alan Statham, new car owner.
There she is. I wonder if you could indicate
where my parking space will be?
(woman screams)
Statham. W25.
- And where exactly is that?
- In overflow car park B.
Right.
And where exactly would that be?
Right, well,
you've got to go down here, swing a left...
- Whoa. OK?
- Oh, that was great!
- Keep going right.
- No, no, there must be some mistake.
No. No, no, there's no mistake.
'Dr Statham, radiologist.'
- Consultant radiologist. Statham.
- Whatever. That's your space.
- No, I should be over in one of those spaces.
- Sorry. They're reserved for doctors.
I am a bloody doctor,
you flappy-coated, fluorescent-gileted,
immigrated ignoramus!
Yeah, well, proper doctors.
Surgeons. People like him.
- He doesn't need a space. He's got a bike.
- Yeah, well, he's still got a space. A3.
But he doesn't use it.
Well, no, but it's still his.
We'll see about that. Oh, yes.
Up it goes. The barrier please.
Come on, press the button.
All right, I'll vault it.
That's not proper hair.
(car horn)
- Morning.
- Hm?
- Oh, a fish tank.
- Oh, well spotted.
- I don't think your fish is very well.
- Of course it isn't. It's dead.
- Oh. That's a shame.
- No, it's not. I bought it dead.
It's there because it's dead and I'm not.
I'm alive. Ha!
Right.
You idiot.
You dead gold idiot.
I'm not dead, I'm alive.
Come on. Mush!
All right, Lance Armstrong, this will do.
(groans)
- How much is that?
- It's GBP249, please.
GBP249 for severe anal bruising?
W bloody... Huh!
That's it. That's it. Yes, oh, yes.
Put yourself in there, Alan,
why don't you? Right. Right.
Bloody Metro!
Get out the way!
Oh, careful.
Come on. Right.
You...!
It's just a mirror.
Just a mirror. All is vanity.
Oops. No.
Try again. Back out.
Advanced driving.
Get in there!
Come on, get in there!
Get in, car. Get in.
Right.
Time for work.
- Hey.
- 'Hey.'
- Makeup?
- Yeah, for Karen.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Mr Generous. Sure you can afford it?
- That is top quality. That cost a fortune.
Then you've wasted your money, haven't you?
It'll be like icing a dog turd.
Dress it up how you like,
it's still a dog turd.
- I think she's gonna look pretty.
- Is it magic makeup?
- No.
- Then you're wrong, aren't you?
She's gonna look like
a deformed dog clown.
Look, she's not deformed.
She's my girlfriend.
- Yeah, not really.
- Yeah, really.
She's a girl, she's my friend -
she's a girlfriend.
Well, Mac's a boy and he's your friend,
so is he your boyfriend?
- No.
- Then are you gonna buy him makeup?
- No.
- So your argument doesn't hold up, does it?
- No.
- You're gonna have to practise arguing,
because I really do like a bit of a challenge,
all right? Oh, look. Here she comes.
You can tell the Billy Goats Gruff
it's safe to cross the bridge now!
- Is he saying that I look like an ugly troll?
- No, ignore him.
- Is that for me?
- Yep. A little present.
Well, I mean,
only small in size, not in cost,
cos actually it's big monetarily.
- Makeup?
- Yeah. You like it?
I'm an ugly troll.
- Are you all right?
- Yes. This thing just fell off my car.
- It's your exhaust.
- Yes.
Well, hopefully it's the last bad thing that can
happen to me. I've had my three in 15 hours.
This, Robbie's been excluded from school
for a week for peeing on the Virgin Mary
and my husband's thinking about leaving me
for Rosie pin-legs, slitty-eyed Kendall,
but he hasn't decided yet, so here's hoping
the day gets a teensy bit better!
And how are you?
- Yeah, I'm OK.
- Oh, good.
- Hey, that's gonna be...
- It's hot! It's hot! Hot! Hot!
How are you supposed to decide?
You've got to narrow it down,
draw up a list of essentials.
Do you want a garden?
Do you want access to a station?
Yeah, I'm not interested in any of that crap.
Here, I've made a list.
'Must have plasma TV.'
Is that it? Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
'Characterful.' You might as well just say,
'Listing to one side and riddled with mould.'
- Property ads?
- Lonely hearts.
Yeah, I'm looking
for a new investment propertywise.
Oh, what's wrong with the old flat?
Things happened in it.
It's probably best to get a new place,
move on.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
And I managed to sell my old flat
for four times what I paid for it.
That's good.
Four times.
Yeah.
Seriously, though, four times.
- You should tell the nurses.
- Really?
- Yeah, they'd love to hear that.
- Cool.
- They're gonna rip him to shreds.
- Yeah. Four times, hopefully.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Oh, my God. What's that smell?
- What smell?
- That vegetable smell.
- Oh, gross!
- That's my shoes.
- Well, wash your feet or something. Jesus!
It's not my feet, it's my shoes.
- They're vegetarian.
- Excuse me?
I'm wearing vegetarian shoes.
- I object to wearing leather.
- They stink.
They're made out of natural by-products.
- What? Like shit?
- No, like banana skins, bamboo.
- You're wearing shoes made from bananas?
- No, these are gecko.
- Gecko's an animal.
- What?
- Yeah, it's a sort of lizard.
- Oh, my God!
Yep, you're wearing lizard-skin shoes.
Murderer.
Ugh!
- You just hit that pigeon.
- Double murderer!
Doctor...
Doct...
Mr Macartney, I'd like to talk to you
about your car parking space.
I was thinking about
putting some carrots on it.
I think you should
sign the space over to me.
- I don't think so.
- You don't need it, not with a bike.
It's my little piece of land,
where I can relax and get away from it all.
- That's... that's my mug.
- Oh.
- 'World's greatest lover' of...?
- Of women, obviously.
- Was there a ceremony?
- No, it's a gift from a friend.
- Who was that?
- (stammers) Jo... Jo... M-my mother.
- Your mother?
- Yes.
- Did your mum discover this first-hand?
- Don't be disgusting! Give it back.
- I've not finished yet.
- Hurry up!
Right, that's enough.
Come on. Decant it.
- What?
- Decant it into another receptacle.
- Sorry, did you mean to say receptacle?
- I did s-say...
You said testicle.
'Decant it into another testicle.'
I demand my mug back!
Now you've said bum crack.
Did you really want to demand bum crack?
- What we need around here is more respect!
- Sorry, you meant to say respect.
- I... That's... I said respect.
- No, you said, 'Tickle my balls'.
- I... You...
- 'Tickle my balls.' I heard it very clearly.
Stupid! Stupid!
Right, well, yes.
The powers that be will decide
what to do about your little carrot patch.
Yes. You'll see. Oh, you'll see.
- Who are you calling a parrot's snatch?
- You...!
Everyone says that's a bargain.
Can't see it myself.
No, me neither.
30 quid for a cello?
Rip off.
'Room for rent with Dr Todd.'
Nightmare.
Oh.
Looky, looky, looky.
'Life-drawing classes at lunchtimes.'
'Materials and model supplied.'
- Hi, are you OK?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Homeless, community service,
I'm like a big kid at Christmas.
Yeah, sorry.
Painting, cleaning, community sports coaching.
No one could be as excited as me.
I'm excited. Progress with Mac. Things may be
coming back about the day of the accident.
- Does he remember he tried to rape me?
- No, I think he knows about me and him.
But it's OK, there's no rush.
I'll just let things develop.
It's not like Emmy's a threat any more,
and Holly's all tied up with a husband, so...
- Huh.
- What?
- Nothing.
- You just said 'huh'.
No, I didn't.
- You know something, don't you?
- Just something Angela said. It's nothing.
What?
- Not the face.
- Tell me.
I'd be betraying
the confidence of a friend.
OK. Yeah, yeah.
I can respect that.
OK. Holly split up with her husband
and she wishes she'd never let go of Mac.
Oh, dear.
That just sort of slipped out.
He doesn't use it. He's practically
a Hell's Angel. He doesn't use it.
- He doesn't warrant a whole space.
- I see.
- Well, I demand it. Hand it over to me.
- No.
- What do you mean, no?
- No. You can't have Dr Macartney's space.
The space is allocated to Surgery,
not Radiology.
Well... well, I object.
- Good for you. Goodbye.
- Well, no. No.
Not goodbye, actually.
Not goodbye.
Right, let me put it another way.
Yeah, well... Yes, well,
don't think I don't know what's going on.
No, I... Yes.
Makes no difference to me.
You... Well, well you may.
Well, mm-hm.
All right. Don't think... Yes.
Don't...
Yes, well, that's, uh...
Don't...
Don't think...
Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.
Don't think... don't think I don't know
what's going on there because this...
- Oh. This isn't the end of it.
- Oh, I think it is.
No, no, this isn't the end.
This isn't the end of the matter. Um, I'll...
Right, I shall...
Goodbye to you.
No.
Oh! Sorry.
Sorry. No.
Coming through here!
Oh, lovely.
Thank you.
- What did you do then?
- I stole an ambulance.
- Wicked.
- Yeah.
- Did you sell it on?
- No, I drove off a cliff.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
- Why?
- I was avoiding a sheep in a field.
- What about you? What did you do?
- Graffiti on the bridge.
Oh, right. So sort of the punishment
fits the crime, you know. What did you write?
Was it your...
'tag'?
No, it was class war.
'Death to the middle classes.'
(imitates cockney accent) Yeah.
Fuckin' right!
- Don't do that.
- Sorry.
Nice deep breaths.
That's it, nice and slowly.
Right.
Hup!
There we are.
Don't worry.
Right, there we are.
Don't worry, I'm not your baby. Just...
There we go.
Easy does it.
There. Yes.
I thought I might help it along a bit.
All right, Guy?
- Missed a bit.
- (whispers) Go away. Go away.
A lot of people seem to know you.
Do you work here?
Yeah, I'm a... porter.
A what?
(imitates cockney accent) A por-ahhh.
- A por-ah!
- Oh, yeah?
Keep up. Yeah.
I just push stuff araaaaand.
- Doctors, eh? Wankers, in't they?
- Yeah. Well, although...
- What?
- Nothing.
Morning, Dr Secretan.
Winker!
What a total nurb.
Kno... Nib. Knob. Nub!
You nub!
You fricking nib. Knob.
Nub.
Wanker.
Oh, bollocks!
Right, let's have a check underneath,
see how it's going.
Yeah, lovely.
Just see the head.
Right.
Well done. Excellent.
- It's great without Guy, isn't it?
- Mm.
- It's like we're proper doctors.
- All grown-up and sensible.
OK, how about types of fish? I bet you that
I can name more types of fish than you can.
Yes, I expect you can.
(Mac) Hm.
Oh, have you seen
that new Irish nurse, eh?
Phwoar.
She's a bit of all right, eh? Huh?
I'm a married man, so...
OK, here's one. How many kidney dishes
can you balance on your head? I can do 14.
I bet you can't beat 14.
I'm sure I can't.
You must have a very good sense of balance.
Yeah.
Well, yeah. I have.
If I could have your attention please,
little people?
Thank you. That's better.
Today we're going to learn a new game
called Guyball.
- Gheeball.
- Has anyone heard of it?
Well, this is Guy Secretan and he's very kindly
agreed to teach you the rules.
I haven't agreed to do anything.
I have to do it. It's community service
cos I was a very naughty man.
- What did you do?
- Your mum, then I ate her. Next question?
Dr Secret Man,
I do have to file a report on you.
No, no, that's all part of the training. That's
what we Guyballers do - insult the opponents.
We call it 'splicing the Matterhorn' . Let's give
it a go. Why don't we all insult each other?
Come on. All right.
Come on, Wheelie. You have a go.
- Cockspanker.
- Cockspanker's weird.
- Dickhead!
- You're a dickhead.
- Wanker!
- Yeah, all right. That's probably enough.
Twat.
Right, let's go.
How's it working for you?
It's almost like he's back with us.
That's great.
Can you say something really twattish?
- Like what?
- Oh, I don't know, like, uh...
Switzerland has the highest average
sperm count in the world.
- Actually, can I take this off?
- (both) No.
It's for the younger patients.
It makes them happy.
- They're asleep.
- What if they wake up really suddenly?
I'll make sure they don't wake up.
Murderer.
I actually think that's in very poor taste.
(both) Ooooooh.
- (Guy) Right, what's this called?
- A maison?
No! I've already explained
what a maison is. Jesus!
An Emmenthal loop?
- Am I crouching?
- No.
- Am I displaying a cleft mitten?
- No.
Then how the fucking hell
can it be an Emmenthal loop?
- It's a classical heist.
- It looks like a classical heist,
but when the topmiler
is geometrically loaded, it's a...
- (all) Fat chalet.
- Fat chalet.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Right.
Commence!
All the blues over here.
Right.
See that post over there? We're gonna run to
that post. Are you ready? One, two, three, go!
What are you doing?
Stickles are orthodox
and it's a four-bounce ubique.
Aaaaaaaaargh!
Right, you. No, don't...
Shh, don't be alarmed. I'm a radiologist.
- You are?
- I'm not telling you who I am.
- No, I need to know what you do.
- Do?
- Your job. What's your bloody job?
- I'm a laundry operative.
Laundry.
Yes, unbelievable, isn't it? Look.
Cook, cook, odd-jobman,
nurse, nurse.
Me, radiologist, skip. How does that work?
Hm? How does that bloody work?
No, don't go, because I need you to sign...
I need you to sign my pet...
I need you to sign my peti...
All right.
- Just wait there a second. Now then.
- (car starts)
Don't drive off.
- (Kim) Policy review papers.
- Go away.
- Have you gone away?
- No.
If you're having trouble,
you should really see somebody.
I'm not having trouble.
What makes you think I am?
- It's just you...
- When my eyes are tired, I use eye drops.
Is that a crime? Is it?
No, it isn't, but that's liquid paper.
I know.
Ow. Oh.
Oh!
You surgeons think you're God's gift
with your nimbleness and your scrubbing up
and your scrubbing down
and your preferential parking.
Thank you.
Well, you're wrong,
because I am like the architect.
You are the navvies
who just come and do the dirty work.
We are the fighter pilots of the hospital.
You are the idiots with the Ping-Pong bats
showing us where to park.
No. No, no, no.
A monkey could do your job.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
- Which monkey?
- Just a monkey.
What's his name?
We need all the surgeons we can get.
- He's called Graham.
- Graham? Graham the monkey.
- Yes.
- Hm. Could you get me an introduction?
- No. He's gone on holiday.
- Oh.
Where's he gone?
Somewhere nice?
Wye Valley.
Canoeing.
Where's the nudie?
Martin!
- What are you doing here?
- I've just come to let my artistic juices flow.
What happened? Did somebody snap your
bits off? You're smoother than an Action Man.
I'm the model.
I'm strapped for cash, so...
Um, what's that?
Well, I thought that, you know,
if it just looked like I was naked,
that would be good enough,
so I made this out of some old tights.
Please take it off.
Right.
Ooh.
- (teacher) Take a seat.
- Yeah.
- Doreen from Prisoner.: Cell Block H, isn't it?
- Oh, yeah, here we go.
Anyone would think
the staff here had never seen overalls.
- Do you know what makes my blood boil?
- Gas mark 4? Blowtorch? Gingerism?
Yes, yes, and no.
Also cosmetic surgery.
It is such a waste of resources.
If you've had an accident, that is fine.
If it's for vanity, it's completely obscene.
You know what? I have to say, for once,
I'm entirely in agreement with you.
Then I must be wrong.
I'll rethink my position.
Why go to such extremes when
there are other things a woman could do?
The world seems strange
and unfamiliar.
I've never met a woman yet who doesn't look
better with my bollocks resting on her chin.
- 100% improvement right there.
- And once again order has been restored.
(teacher) Uh, Martin,
you'll have to take those off.
No, your undercrackers.
We haven't all coughed up 75 quid
to paint a wee elf in his Y-fronts, so come on.
Pop off your little pants
and straddle the chair.
OK, but promise
you don't look at my cock.
Well, that's the whole point
of you being here,
so that the students
can study every part of you in fine detail.
- What, including my cock?
- Yes. Including your cock.
I don't like the idea
of them doing it without me knowing.
Can we have a system that when anybody's
staring at my cock, they put their hand up?
In real life, or just in here?
Just in here really.
- Martin!
- What?
Wee Willie Winkie's not so wee!
Nearly had my...
nearly had my eye out with that.
Yeah, I don't want to speak to you.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
No, get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Brian.
Get Bri...
- She's getting him.
- Did you make her cry?
- Yeah.
- You must be very proud.
- You've got paperclips stuck to your hand.
- Have I?
Oh, it must be a full moon.
My hand goes magnetic, I don't know...
Brian!
At fucking last!
Listen,
I asked for a two-bedroom house.
You've sent me three flats,
a studio apartment and a haystack.
Yeah, thatched cottage my scrotum.
What are you going to do about it?
- Redfern Road, nice or nasty?
- Hm. Quite nice. There's a tree.
OK, I'm listening.
Yeah. Mm-hm.
Yep. Right, OK.
Neighbours?
Brian.
Brian, what did I say to you?
Hey? What...
I said no old people, no kids,
no dogs, no hippies, no farmers and?
No hairdressers!
You're fucking useless, Brian!
No! No, no, no. No, no.
My price range is not the problem, Brian.
You are the problem.
Oh, just put the girl back on.
Well, tell her to blow her nose
and put the girl back on.
Put the girl back on.
Put the girl back on.
Put the girl back on. Put the girl back on.
Put the girl... Hello? Hello?
- Blacklisted?
- I might be.
- How many's that now then?
- I don't know.
- Ballpark figure will do.
- All of them.
Mm-hm.
- Beach Drive?
- Too close to the sea.
- What are you doing?
- 90% of notes are coated in cocaine residue.
- I'm cleaning them.
- Ooh, cocaine.
- Very rock and... I've never taken any drugs.
- Never?
Well, I've had epidurals.
They were quite nice.
- And gas and air. And I like Tia Maria.
- We could help you out.
- If you're feeling adventurous.
- Oh, no, I don't think so.
- Why are you smiling then?
- I don't know.
- Stop it.
- What?
- That.
- I'm just smiling.
- I know.
- So do you want me to stop?
- Yes. No.
- Well, I'll carry on then.
Do you, um...
- Want to come round my gaff?
- Your gaff?
- That's not rude.
- I'm not coming if it's not rude.
Guess who?
- Holly.
- Hi!
So don't I get a hello?
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Holly.
- I'm Caroline.
You're an old friend.
Not that old.
We were together for six years.
We were together for six seconds.
And then you put your hands over his eyes.
- Can I ask a personal question?
- Yes, you may.
They are in fact real,
but you of all people should know that.
Yeah, the question is,
why are you here?
Is it because
here is where I start work today?
- You're joking.
- I know. Isn't it fantastic?
- It's gonna be just like old times.
- It won't be like old times at all probably.
I just mean that we'll be working
in the same hospital.
Yes, that. Yeah. But that'll be
the only similarity, I should think.
I couldn't believe my luck.
I'd just come off the plane from New York.
I was keeping a lookout for a placement,
and then Angela rings me
to say she's leaving her job here,
and I'm like, 'Ah!' Brilliant timing or what?
What.
Sorry. Is there a problem?
- Yes.
- No.
Oh, well. What a lot of fun
we're all going to have together.
Yeah, it's gonna be great.
I see I've made
a fab new friend already.
Yeah, well, um, we have to get off to theatre,
Mac and me, me and Mac, don't we?
- Yeah, we do. Yeah.
- OK, great.
Have a good time. I should try and find out
where the locker rooms are.
I think someone was gonna show me,
you know, but I don't know where they went.
- Mac...
- I'm just...
No, I'm just gonna point her stupid nose
in the right direction.
I'll see you in theatre.
- This way.
- You loved my stupid nose, remember?
Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim. Yeah. I just wanted
to say thanks for organising the eye thing.
Oh, that's OK.
Shitting hilarious.
You all think you're so farting funny,
don't you?
Where the hell is Mac?
You don't trust him.
You think he might be with Holly.
- Don't be ridiculous. Of course I trust him.
- Yeah, you don't trust him.
You think he might be
cuddling her and kissing her
and loving her and fingering her...
Swiss mouth shut!
Perhaps they've eloped.
Shut up now or I will slit your throat,
so help me God.
Ta-da!
(sings clown music)
And if he sees you playing puppets again,
he will kill you. And I will gladly help him.
(knocking at door)
- Come.
- Some...
Can you take that down please?
No.
Well, can I buy it?
No.
Get out.
(mobile rings)
Mungo. Mungo!
Mungooo!
Hello... It's Mungo.
Hello, you jizz fountain. How are you?
Yeah.
Hm.
- Hello.
- (Mac) What are you doing here?
Hm? Oh, I just thought
I would park myself in your space. Hm?
Make sure that
there are no car-diac problems.
- It's quite a simple procedure actually.
- Oh. Oh, is it? Oh, is it indeed, Mrs Todd?
So... so you would be prepared,
would you, if something like this happened?
Oh, dear. There seem to be
some complications now, Mr Blue Peter Boy.
- What did he just do?
- He just took the gall bladder.
- No, I didn't.
- You did. It's in your hand.
No, it isn't.
Open your hand.
Open your hand.
Are you eating the patient?
No.
(gags)
- Dr Statham's eaten a gall bladder.
- I haven't.
Open your mouth.
- Open your mouth and spit it out.
- Open your mouth.
All gone!
(Statham retches)
(whimpers)
You will not believe
what has just occurred.
I know. Mungo's prosthetic cock
snapped off inside some bint.
He was too embarrassed to tell her, so she
went home with it. She's still got it up her.
- Hey, did you call for IT support?
- Yes.
I can't seem to make
these words big enough.
That's more of a software thing
than an IT issue.
But let's see what we can do.
Which words do you want to make bigger?
'7th' , 'Robbie's Birthday Party'
and 'Balloons'.
- It's not a work thing as such.
- It's no problem.
You just highlight the bits you want
and then you click on this button here.
Oh!
- Can you make them bigger than that?
- Yeah.
- And can you make them bright pink?
- Pink?
- Isn't Robbie a boy?
- He's gay.
Maybe a picture of a kitten?
Oh, that's brilliant!
Thank you so much.
Any time.
- Oooooooooh!
- Fuck off!
Hi. Hi, Carol, isn't it?
- Nearly.
- Yes! Sorry, Carol. I need that.
Sorry.
- You weren't hiding, were you?
- No.
It's just I came round the corner,
I caught your eye, and you were like this.
No, it's just I'm myopic. I'm short-sighted.
I have to have things very, very close.
Poor you. Because I do appreciate that
things are pretty awkward between you and I.
I mean, what with me
being his most significant ex and you...
Mm-hm.
..being whatever it is that you are.
It's just, I think... I just think it would be
really nice if we could just get along.
Yeah, no, absolutely. Personally,
I get along with lots of people. Loads.
I'm always getting along with people.
I have since I was a baby.
- Although when I was 13 I didn't get on...
- Now I've made you witter.
- You haven't. I don't witter.
- Great, because we could make it as friends.
And I would hate you to think for a second
that I am in any way interested in Paul.
- Who?
- Paul. Sorry, what do you call him? In Mac.
Sorry, I used to call him Paul.
- He used to call me John.
- Why? Were you a man?
(giggles) Only at the weekends!
No, no. It was a silly thing, really.
It was just Lennon and McCartney -
best combination in the world.
Until one of them died,
of course. Shot.
And I just wanted to explain
that despite how I felt about him then,
I'm not here to lure Mac away from you.
I don't think you could lure him anyway.
Right. No.
Well, I'm sure you're right.
Um...
You know,
you're so much nicer than you seem.
- Mac is so lucky to have had you as a friend.
- Has, has, has, has me as a friend.
Yeah, 'has' , that's what I said.
Had. Yeah.
OK, I'm off, mate.
See you.
OK. Yeah, yeah.
Bye, then, John.
Linda.
No! No, stop it!
Everybody go away. This isn't...
- Put the sausage off! Sausages off.
- Hey, guys.
Don't talk to me.
I've got no eyes... No ears for you. No ears.
Boyce! Leave them alone.
They've probably got chlamydia. Come on!
And you are here because?
Uh... I've got no idea.
Do you have to have that there?
Yeah.
Right.
- Did you paint it?
- Oh, yeah.
- You know, he's not that big in real life.
- He is.
You know, you could paint me.
Not got enough paint?
You know, if he's that size,
that's me.
And that's Mac. And I know that
because I watch him when he showers.
I've got nothing to say to you people.
- Apart from that.
- Yes.
- And that.
- Yes. Sh! Stop it.
- Shame cos he won't be able to thank us.
- Oh, yeah.
For what? For being a pair
of cocky-headed little interferers?
No, no. Actually,
for fixing you up with a new parking space.
- What?
- Yeah, sorted.
- Is it... is it closer?
- Well, it's as close as we could get it.
- Yeah.
- Right. I see.
- But we did the best we could.
- We felt guilty, to be honest.
- I suppose an apology is in order then.
- No, don't say a word.
- Well, thank you very much.
- Yeah, an apology has to be in writing.
I shouldn't judge a book by its cover.
I shouldn't judge the books
by their covers.
I feel a new mutual respect
has been achieved.
So...
So that's very good.
Right.
I know I've been a bit embarrassed
about these, but what the hell.
If you need glasses, you need glasses.
So, um...
get your sniggering
over and done with.
- Very nice.
- Really?
- Yeah, they really suit you.
- Oh, thanks.
It's amazing what you miss
and you don't even realise. Look, look, see.
'The implications of article 18A, B and C...'
See, no problem.
Fucking hell!
My hands! What's happened to my hands?
They're chicken's feet.
Christ!
My eyes.
My old, old fucking eyes.
My hands, my eyes,
my eyes, my hands! My...
Ugh!
So the woman in New York
is a friend of Mark's brother.
And the administrator is only married to
his sister. The whole thing is very incestuous.
- Whoa, are you all right?
- Sorry. Sorry.
I'm fine.
So,
what did you make of the Big Apple?
A big apple crumble.
- Glad to see you haven't grown up.
- Oh, no, he has. He's a Big Mac now.
So basically I had this choice
between a well-paid job over here
or something more intellectually stimulating
over there. A chance to give something back.
Maybe leaving
was the craziest thing I ever did,
apart from letting Mac go, of course.
(Mac) I remember
the craziest thing you did.
Not now. Guy, what was
the craziest thing you ever did?
- I screwed my mum.
- Nice. Nice one.
- Yeah, no, what Guy means actually...
- Well, no, no, let me finish.
I screwed my mum up
by doing really dangerous sports
and risking my neck for no apparent reason.
- Yeah.
- (Caroline) Yeah, yeah. It drove her mad.
- What dangerous sports?
- Yeah, what sports?
Well, you know, like...
jet skiing.
Jet skiing?
Is that dangerous?
Standard jet skiing, no,
but this was the sort
where you strap the jet engine
from an aeroplane to the back and let it rip.
300 miles an hour.
- 300 miles an hour?
- Yeah. Yes.
Wow.
Voom.
- Splash.
- Splash?
- Voom, splash, surely.
- Have you ever done it?
- No.
- Shut up then.
Yeah, OK. Cheers.
It must have really screwed your mum up.
Hello.
Well.
Oh. Well, well, well.
Well...
Well. Well, bloody...
Bloody well.
Oh, yeah?
That's, uh...
Well, well, well. Hm.
Well, well, bloody...
You bloody...
Now we're alone,
I hear there's a room going in your house.
- Uh, no, I don't think so.
- All right, let me put it another way.
Now Angela has been sold
into porn slavery in sunny Toronto...
- Has she?
- Well, you know, who cares?
There is a space in your place
and there's me
needing somewhere to be,
and, you know,
the problems interweave like a Jacquard loom.
- I don't understand.
- It's a primitive punch-card system.
- I wasn't talking about the loom.
- Can I have a room in your flat?
- House.
- House. Can I?
Just for a bit,
until I get myself sorted out.
Please? Don't look at him.
Don't look at him, look at me.
Please? I need somewhere.
My life's so complex and difficult.
- It's just complex and hard. Can I please?
- Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, whatever! Yes!
Yes!
A sabot, or the sabot,
was a kind of wooden clog
worn by impoverished French workers.
As a protest against the Jacquard loom, which
they thought would take away their jobs,
they'd throw their sabots, or wooden clogs,
into the delicate machinery
to destroy its working, from which
we get the modern word 'sabotage'.
Yeah, right. Now you've??harshed my buzz,
have you got a point?
If your plan to move in with Caroline is in any
way an attempt to sabotage our relationship,
I will hit you in the fucking face
with a big wooden clog.
- Found it.
- Great.
Has Caroline gone already?
Oh, dear.
What was the first bit again?
About the... the loom?
Flatmate!
- Where do you think you're going?
- You were giving me a lift.
No.
Well, I thought we'd agreed so that,
you know, I can inspect my new lodgings.
We agreed nothing. I have to tidy up first.
You can't just come round tonight.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
I'm not sure, but...
I think I just saw a snake
getting into your car.
Would you feel safer if I came with you?
The door is locked.
How would a snake be getting into it?
- Through the exhaust.
- Guy, the answer is no.
Hey, guys. Paul's giving me a ride and then
we might go and get something to eat.
No, I never said that.
I just said a lift.
Carolyn,
where's the best place to eat around here?
Oh, uh...
I can't remember.
Maybe we could all go.
We could just all go together.
Uh, no. I think Guy and I
will just get a snack back at home.
- OK. See you.
- Yeah.
- Ciao. Bye.
- Bye, bye, bye, bye.
I think I just found your snake.
02728.
Yes. Um...
Yes, yes.
Oh, of course, yeah.
Just, um...
There we are. Yes.
Yes, of course. Safety first. Yes.
Well, it's just you and me now
against the world. Bonnie and Clyde.
Please, please shut up.
Yes, I'm standing by the vehicle.
- Can I sit in the front?
- In the back.
- Please.
- In the back.
All right, then you're my chauffeur.
Not long now.
Yeah.