Green Wing (2004–2007): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

Wake up or the kitty gets it.

- So, how far have you got?
- Oh, I'm just getting to the good bit.

Oh, you mean the bit
where he sleeps with his...

Yes, thank you.

Don't get all motherly-doverly with me.
I'm not the sentimental type.

I'm allowed to observe and take part, as long
as I'm signed in and out. Them's the rules.

Three little fishies and a mama fishy too

You've been in a coma.

- What happened on the day of the accident?
- What accident?

Bollocking shitbags!

Ah, no, thank you. Thank you for a super
bit of... Oh, my goodness, this is terrible.



I'm so sorry that it was you, of all people,
should have caught me.

I've just been in the bush there, having...
having sex with an attractive young lady.

- I hope you're not upset or jealous at all.
- No, not jealous.

He's not right outside cos if he was,
I'd see him,

because I actually am right outside.
All right?

Just tell the truth, you knob!

Have you actually sent a taxi for me or not?

Rather in demand these days, you know.

Rather chuffed also.
She said some of the best sex she's ever had.

Really? I don't believe that. Unless she's
a virgin and had nothing to compare it with.

- Even then she'd be disappointed.
- Well... well, she is... was a virgin. So...

All right, Pinocchio, how long would it take
to get a taxi here in reality, without lying?

I see.

Dick splash!



I'd like to stay and meet your new friend.

I don't think that's appropriate.
Wait, wait, I'll just...

Yes. Um...

She's resting.

- No... I remember you. Don't you...
- Your boyfriend's touching my breasts.

- I'm protecting you, my bushy darling.
- He's being unfaithful.

No! Um...

You sad, bandy-legged mule.

Yes, well, I think there's a green-eyed
monster lurking in your bony pants.

Green-eyed panty monster!

- Hi, Mac.
- Sue White.

Shoot, Mac, you know how to get a girl
all hot under the collar.

- Good to have you back, Mac.
- Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Sue.

I am awake.
I am definitely awake.

Oi! Yeah, everyone knows
buses are just mobile asylums!

Yeah, that's right. Run away!

- Hey, Mac.
- Hey.

How are the misty watercolour memories?

Uh, yeah, one or two glitches, but...
Who are you?

- You back on full duty?
- I should be back in theatre this afternoon.

I get the official all clear this morning,
if I remember rightly. And...

I only get the all clear if I remember rightly.

(laughs)

At least I'm out of my pyjamas
cos that wasn't doing the image any good.

(laughs)

I don't know. At least you were always
ready for bed. No, if you were tired, I mean.

- God, what a twat!
- You're calling me a twat?

Yeah. No, that's... that's me.
I'm the twat.

I just meant it was nice to see your clothes...
day clothes, proper clothes, fully dressed.

Really nice to see
your clothes as well, Dr Todd.

Caro... Caroline, Car...
You... you always call me Caroline.

- Do I?
- Yes.

Mac, we're ready to go through these now.

Excuse me. Just gonna fiddle with a couple
of screws to make me run better. Geoffrey.

So no recollection of anything
in the 24 hours prior to the accident

and patchy - I would say, 20 to 80% -
during the previous eight weeks,

but, as we've already said,
that shouldn't affect your ability to work.

I have to work. Damn.

- Why me?
- You're still the same person.

It's like being trapped in a parallel universe.

- Just tell him what happened.
- He might not believe me. I've no witnesses.

Well, look, he knows his mind's gone a bit...
So just tell him.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.
'Hi, Mac, I'm... you know, I'm Caroline.'

'You know, the one who you found irritating
at first, but then you really, really liked me.'

'And now we're kind of a couple.'

'So there we go, I've filled in the gaps.
Let's go to bed.'

- Well, maybe not in so many words.
- Less words?

More words.
You know, perhaps you could soften the blow.

- Soften the blow?
- No, not... not blow exactly. Not blow at all.

The tragic bombshell
that he goes out with me?

Didn't say that.

- You said blow.
- Figuratively.

I didn't think you meant
knock him over the head.

Now, that's not a bad idea. Might make
the awful truth come flooding back.

The awful truth? That's not ambiguous at all.
You said awful truth.

I did, I did. I said awful truth.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

I don't really know what I meant by that.

Useless circular bastards.

- Are you asleep?
- No.

You were.
You were asleep while you were kissing me.

I wasn't.

Yeah, I was, but that's because
we've been kissing for ages and...

I'm exhausted by all the sex we did last night.

Oh, my God.
You fell asleep while we were doing passion.

- I don't believe it.
- Ow!

Look... Listen, I was just napping.
I don't see what the big deal is.

I always do that when we're kissing.
It's never bothered you before.

Kim, have you got a fag?

Any... anyone got a fag?

Tight bitches.
Where have you been, stationery boy?

Fag break.

Low tar? What are you, a girl?

'I put it to you that...
that I'm the victim in this case.'

'I put it to you...
I put it to you that fate... fate...'

Oh, God. Calm down.
You didn't know she was your mum.

You didn't mean to have sex with her.
It's not your fault. Act normal.

- Dr Secretan, good morning.
- Good mummy.

Jesus! Oh, God!

Morning.

Once again, that looks fine. We have to keep
an eye on these things, but I'm very happy.

Oh. Oh, oh.

- Oh. Oh, my God. It's true.
- What?

What they're saying
about Mac being a vegetable.

- No.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.

Not even a little bit of brain damage?

There's some memory loss,
covering a few weeks prior to the incident.

- Accident.
- Incident.

- Accident.
- Incident.

Accident. So you won't remember
that you owe me GBP500

and you lost your bike to me in a poker game
and you promised to get your anus sewn up?

No, no, no, no. But I do remember

- that you're a perm-headed wanker.
- Ginger freak.

- Yeah, spoon face.
- Thimble cock.

- Doughnut dick.
- Doughnut dick?

- I'll just leave you two to your...
- Don't go.

I just came to have a look
at cabbage-soup brain.

Incident.

- Isn't it the internal inquiry today?
- Yeah.

You should have made a bit of an effort
with your appearance.

You can't stop touching me, can you? Did you
dream of me when you were in a coma?

- In a Swiss chalet?
- Every night.

Me massaging melted Swiss chocolate
into your freckly buttocks?

You're all a bunch of fatties.

You can't have that.
You're far too fat.

Come on. Answer. Answer.

- Hello, Joanna Clore.
- Oh.

Oh.

Oh, dirty, dirty.

- Is that you, Alan?
- Oh! Super! This is the best I've ever had.

- Alan, is that you?
- Yeah, touch me there. Touch me.

(makes erotic noises)

(fakes orgasm)

- Hello.
- Sorry, to whom am I speaking?

- It's Joanna Clore.
- Oh, how awful.

You must have just heard me having...
having full sex.

- You weren't, Alan. You were pretending.
- I was having full sex. I was having sex...

With... uh... Dr Todd.

When you accidentally dialled my number?

Yes. As I was thrusting, I dare say my naked
bottom pressed against the speed dial.

I'm so very sorry that you... you were party

- to my enormous orgasm just then.
- Don't apologise to me.

Although, since you're on loudspeaker,
you might want to apologise to Charles...

- Hello, Alan.
- Hello, Charles.

- ..Simon...
- Alan.

..and Dr Todd.

Dr Statham.

(sheepishly) Hello.

We were just preparing
for an internal tribunal.

That's good because...
I'm glad you're all there because...

What I'm doing here is highlighting
the whole, uh... business of conference calling

and the risks inherent in the security lapses
that are clearly going on.

Goodbye.

I admit, to an outsider,
it probably doesn't look great.

- How do you think it looks to an insider?
- Probably not great.

One of our anaesthetists steals an ambulance

containing one of our top surgeons
and a junior doctor and drives it over a cliff.

- Top surgeon? What about top anaesthetist?
- What about top arsehole?

What about Topshop? What about Top Gun?
What about Top Cat?

Susan. Shh!

I was mentally distressed.
I'd suffered something of a shock.

Can we not go into details?

I think we're all aware of the circumstances.

Joanna Clore's office.
Yeah, putting you through.

Hello, Human Resources.
Yes, I'll just put you through.

- On a brighter note...
- You are dead after all?

No. On a brighter note,
it looks like I shall be getting back

my Noel Coward style dressing gown.

Which I wore...

Yes, well, I'm sure we're all very relieved.
Isn't there something else you'd like to say?

Uh, I don't think so.

- What's the magic word?
- Abracadabra?

Can you hold? I'll just put you through.

Hello. Certainly, I'll just pop you through.

- You're just cutting them off, aren't you?
- Yep. Hello, Joanna Clore's office.

How would you normally
express your gratitude?

- You want a tip? Is that ethical?
- Verbally.

Oh. Yeah, well. Hmm.

- Thank you.
- For?

For having me and also
for smoothing things over with the GMC.

Thank you for letting me go back to work.

And thank you for da music.

The songs I'm singing.

Thanks for all de joy they're bringin'.

- Well? When will he remember?
- When will who remember?

- He... remember me?
- He being?

- Mac.
- And me being?

Well, me, obviously.
Tell me what's happening.

He has partial trauma-induced memory loss.
It's very common. It's not my fault.

Although I'm glad you've stopped shaking me,
I'd prefer it if you let go of my lapels.

But I need to know. He needs to remember
that I... that we... that...

That for 20 minutes we were in love.

Wow. Serious, then? A whole 20 minutes?

- Watch it, you. We had build-up too.
- Ooh! Build-up! Well done.

Now, if you don't mind.

- What?
- I'd like to pee.

- Oh, yes, yes. Carry on.
- Thank you.

Not surprised he wants to forget you.

Nightmare.

Yes, there's a certain amount
of intercostal wear and tear further down,

which could indicate
a number of problems, to wit...

To-whoo!

To wit to-whoo, surely. Sorry.
Was that not what you were going to say?

- Am I an owl, Mr Boyce? Hm? Am I?
- Well, you are very wise.

Well, well... Well, then. Yes, yes, I am.

- And a little feathery.
- I am not feathery.

I think you are. Slightly feathery to the touch.
It's a subjective thing.

- I am objectively, empirically non-feathery.
- I disagree.

- You can't disagree if you've never felt me.
- Oh, yes, I have.

I... You... No, well, I'm finished.
Goodbye. Everybody leave.

- What about the intercostal wear and tear?
- You'll never know, will you, Mr Boyce?

Oh, I'm sorry. Have I ruffled your feathers?

- I'm not feathery! Me, no...
- Clearly in denial.

- And you, Mr Boyce, are an insufferable twit.
- To-whoo.

Stop. Stop it.

Go on, everybody leave.
What are you still doing here? Go on. Do it!

- To-whoo.
- Stop it!

Right, I'll shut my eyes and if you're still here
when I've opened them, then... oh...

Oi!

- Yeah, baby. Give me five.
- Why?

I have just got the all clear.
Permission to carve has been granted.

I got the all clear,
so you should give me five.

OK, well, let's give each other five.

No, you should give me six
cos my struggle has been greater.

- I should give you six? Give me seven.
- I'm not giving you seven. Why seven?

- I was out through no fault of my own.
- Don't start that again.

I think we should,
since numbers of fingers are at stake.

Give me fucking eight!

I've been through personal hell
and this is all the sympathy I get?

Give me nine.
What about my personal hell?

You slept through it.
What sort of hell is that?

Give me ten
or I'll put you in a fucking coma.

How are you going to do that?
Talk to me?

All right, then, Rip Van Winkle.

Let's call it quits.

See, you thought I gave you ten, but actually,
I took two away, so I only gave you eight.

- I win!
- Great to have you back.

You know what?
It's great for you to have me back.

- No, it's great to have you back.
- Thanks.

On my team.

On my team.

Right. These are for you.

These are for you.

And these are for you, dumpy.

Right. All this lot needs transferring
onto your database,

so I want you to make a new file up here.

These need to be transferred over here.

These need to be transferred down there and
these... well, you shouldn't have these at all.

What are these doing on it? Look, you're going
to have to take all this and put it back here,

and create a new f...

Did you just push a banana down my top?

Yes.

Take it out, please.

I'm going back to my office now.

Confiscatio.

- Right, I need a word.
- Oh, my God. Um...

Oh, goodness. Jeez, oh.
You caught me with my net on.

- Yeah.
- I'll... Hang on. Just... There you go.

Oh. Now, Dr Macartney, I hear you're going
to be wielding that knife again this afternoon.

That's great news.
We would have struggled on a single income.

- Miss White, I wonder...
- It's 'Mrs' now, actually.

Oh. You got married while I was out of it?

Yeah, we... I did.

- Good. Congratulations. I wonder...
- And congratulations to you.

- For?
- Well, for... for coming out of your coma.

Yeah, I did. Which has caused
a bit of a problem, so...

Do you think you could just shut up
and listen to me for a couple of seconds?

Yes, I do. I... I do.

- I do.
- (wedding music plays)

- What for you can I do?
- What is that? Is that music?

- No.
- (music stops)

Oh, yes. I'm a free man. I won.

Out of my way, Jizebel.

Come on, Karen, let's eat outside.

Oh, my legs have gone to sleep.

Yeah, I walked all over them.
They begged for my forgiveness.

No. You got your driving licence back?

That's right, Fartin.
They overturned the court's decision.

And they made fox-hunting compulsory
for the under-fives and they banned water.

Water? No, not drinking water?

Drinking water, Rain Man, yes, yes.
And dribble.

- Have you ever heard of a Verity Lesbirel?
- No.

Don't rush. Take your time. Give you a clue -
she's the head of personnel at Sheffield.

Lesbirel, Lesbirel. Stupid name.
I would have remembered.

Only I've been talking to her on the phone
and she was very surprised to hear from me.

Very, very.
Very, very, very, very, very surprised.

Do you know why? No? Because, apparently,
someone had told her that I was dead.

- No.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Guess what? They've given my job at Sheffield
to somebody else.

- Well, never mind.
- No, but I do mind.

- Did you just say 'I do'?
- I did. I do. I did.

I want to know who took the time and trouble
to tell Mrs Lesbirel that I was deceased.

Who knows? It's a complete mystery.

No, not a complete mystery.
Couple of clues.

The woman who called was indeed a woman
and she was also Scottish.

Oh, no, well, it must be me.
That's what you're thinking, isn't it?

I'm the only Scottish woman in all creation,
then it has to be me.

That's it. It's a fair cop, guv.
I'm bang to rights. Arrest me.

- Just...
- (wedding music)

Just be very careful in future

if you want to be taken seriously.

Oh, I'd rather just be taken.

Who's for a celebratory game of Guyball?

Yeah. I gotta go. Got to stock up on water.
Good to have you back, mate.

Cheers... mate.

Yep.

- She's a bit horrible, you do know that?
- What, Boyce?

No, your bird. Miss Curly Wurly,
I'm no Liz Hurley. Little Miss Rickets.

- Well, I like her and that's all that matters.
- Well, each to their own.

Does she let you use her badge for parking?

Well, she's not disabled.
She's not.

Yeah, right.
What's she like in bed? All timid and tense?

- Does she keep her cardie on? Am I warm?
- You are freezing.

She's mad for it. She's like a wild animal.

- What, like a zebra?
- No, wilder.

- A warthog?
- Wild.

- Fish?
- Exactly. Yeah, she's...

- I feel like I'm eroding.
- You're a rodent?

Yeah. No, I feel like I'm eroding, like...
I feel like I'm fraying at the edges anyway.

- Bullshit.
- Seriously.

You're making it up as you go.
You haven't got your winky wet once.

Listen, I can't get a moment's peace
with that girl.

She likes it up her
even when she's got the decorators in.

- Decorators?
- Yeah.

You mean when she's got the painters in?

Exactly. When she's got the painters
and decorators in and the carpenters.

No, it's just painters.

When she's got them in, she likes it up her.

You're not a real man
until you've got blood on your sword.

Urgh!

Urgh!

OK, Joanna.

I am immediately feeling
quite a bit of tension in there,

so I want you to go ahead and relax.

Just relax.

- Yeah, just try and relax.
- Yeah, I... I am.

Let's just relax. Just relax.

Oh, relax. Relax.

Relax, relax.

Relax. Oh, relax.

Look, we're all back.

Yeah, but I don't really
remember who you are.

Yeah, well, as long as you remember
in which order to put the organs back in, in.

What an odd thing to say, say.

Relax, relax.

Just relax, relax. Just relax.

Relax. Relax.

Relax. Just... Just relax.

- One, two, a-one, two, three, four.
- Actually, I'm a bit worried now.

Wuss.

Ooh! No, not like that. Don't hold it like that.

Oh, my God. He's a butcher.

Be careful with that.
That's the bit that they need to...

They won't be able to eat asparagus
if you cut that bit out.

Et tu, Caroline.

- Aren't you two dating?
- No, one date. One date.

- One date and now we're married.
- No, no, we're not married.

- She likes to pretend we're not, but we are.
- We're not.

I can draw an accurate diagram of her labia
with a spirograph.

No, he can't. He can't. Guy, shut up!

Oh, she does go on, the wife.

In fact, if you want to see what it looks like...

(machine beeps)

OK, Joanna,
now that we're a little more relaxed,

I'd like to try something a bit different.

Get on with it.
I do have an office to run, you know.

I'd like you to imagine all that unpleasantness
that you've been going through recently

is currently locked away in a little box
deep, deep inside.

Good. Locked away.

What I... No, Joanna, it's a bad thing.

And we need to open that box
and we need to deal with the contents.

- Oh.
- OK?

So on my count of three,

what we're going to do
is lift the lid right off of that box.

All right?

So...

One, two...

- Agh! Agh! Agh!
- Whoa. Hey!

- Agh! Agh! Agh!
- Whoa. Hey. Come on.

- Agh! Agh! Agh!
- Back in the box. Back in the box.

- Agh! Agh! Agh!
- Back in the box. Back in the box.

- Agh! Agh!
- Back in the box.

Put it back in the box!
Sorry, but we... we don't need that.

That's... OK. Let's just... OK.

Let's just try and relax.

What do you think you're playing at?
How insensitive can you be?

- Very sensitive.
- You are not.

Touch me down there
and see what happens.

Emotionally insensitive.

Why do you behave like that?

You know that I'm trying to get Mac to piece
together what happened between him and me,

and yet, at this very crucial time, there you go
filling his head with your complete bollocks.

My complete and utter bollocks
wouldn't fit into his tiny head.

Parts of them would, but not the whole lot,
because they're completely massive.

Why did you say we were married?

It was a joke.

It doesn't exactly put me in a good light.
But I ran with it for the sake of the joke.

What? Being married to me
would make you look bad?

Well, only a bit desperate.

I can't make you out. I can't decide whether
you're a complete prick or an utter twat!

Why do you have to be so serious
about everything?

Because it is serious!

Right, OK, OK. So you want me to help you
get through to Mac?

- Yes.
- All right. OK.

What would... what would you say to him
if you could, in an ideal world?

Uh... I'd say... I'd say...
'You mean everything to me.'

'And I just want things to be the same
as the way they were between us before.'

That's very nice. Say it again,
but, you know, say it with feeling this time.

You mean everything to me

and I just want things to be the same
as the way they were before.

Oh. I knew it. I knew there was
something going on between you guys.

Well, you're very perceptive.

Thank you so very much for all your help!

No problem.

Oh, did that tickle? A bit there.

- (knock at door)
- Yes, come in. No, go out! Go!

And come in.

Could I... could I have it back now?

- What?
- Can I have it back, please? My Potty Putty.

Well, I dare say you can.

You're a big, strong boy and I've no doubt
that if I were to hand it over to you,

you would be able to hold it
and therefore have it in your possession.

- May. May I have my Potty Putty back?
- Thank you.

Go on, then, take your pity... pu... po... potty,

and go and do some growing up
somewhere else.

Oh, by the way, Professor McMay
does want to come and discuss your lecture.

- Professor McMay from Pedantics.
- I don't know any Professor McMay.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get it wrong again? Sorry.
Professor McCann from Paediatrics.

Would you just cease? He's a very important
man. You're not to play with his name. Right?

No. When is he coming? The professor?

- The 21st of Can.
- 21st of Can.

Just a...

Confiscatio secundo... tempore.

On your way.

Hello again, my darling.

Right. I found cover for Tuesday and
Wednesday, so I just need you to sign that.

And then I can take it and...
It's really warm today, isn't it?

Yeah, it's muggy.
It is definitely quite muggy, yeah.

All right. Thanks.

It's your pen. Is that your pen or mine?

You are... You're still a wanker, though.

(Guy) Yeah, yeah.
And I'll put my cock in your eye.

- It's me - Martin.
- Yeah, I know. I can read your name badge.

- Shit.
- Why are you dressed as Michael Jackson?

Because I'm trying to avoid the little woman.

Karen? Why?

I can't do any more kissing and I can't
do any more sex. I feel swollen up.

- I feel like I've been punched in the mouth.
- Looks all right to me.

- No, down there.
- Your downstairs mouth?

Yeah. I feel like I've chafed my cock.

Oh, I see. It is the honeymoon period.
I'm sure it'll calm down.

No, no, she scares me. We don't talk
or anything. We just do the dirties.

Well, maybe you should finish it.

Yeah, well, that's what Guy says.

Look, the thing is, if I go near her,
she'll just make me have sex with her.

- So phone her.
- Yeah, right.

Yeah, right! That is brilliant.

Hi, Karen. Hello, yeah, it's Martin.

Um... Martin, your boyfriend. Well, actually,
I wanted to talk to you about that.

Um... I'm not any more because I'm finishing
with you. Yeah, right. OK, goodbye.

Well done. How did she take it?

Yeah, pretty good. Pretty good.

Um... It's voicemail.

Nice one.

Hot and single.

Hot, hot, hot.

'What are the five most important qualities
in a woman?'

Why are these things so full of rubbish?
Five qualities, what does that mean?

Aha.

Guy said there's been
a bit of a misunderstanding earlier.

Did he?

He said there was never
anything going on between you two.

Did he?

In fact, he said he'd never be seen dead
with anyone like you.

Did he?

- Yeah, which I thought was a little harsh.
- Yes, yes, it is.

So you... Um...

What would you say are the five
most important qualities for... for a woman?

Ah... Tough question for someone who's
just getting familiar with the here and now.

What's a tough question?

- Five top qualities in a woman.
- I was asking Mac, actually.

Oh, five qualities.
That's easy. Number one - bendy.

- Unpredictable.
- Number two - shaved.

Must appreciate the genius of The Kinks.

- Number three - slightly anorexic.
- Thoughtful eyes.

- Uh, four - about sort of 5% lesbian.
- Should be in touch with her masculine side.

And finally,
mustn't be too smelly in the cellar.

- Compassionate.
- Ugh!

So you come up with
an unpredictable yet compassionate,

slightly masculine Kinks fan with eyes.

I know. It's an impossible dream.

In the cellar.

Down below.

Penny for 'em?

I was just... wondering
what it would be like if Karen hung herself.

Dr Macartney, um, pleased to see you've been
passed fit to join the ranks once more.

And I would like to put that on the record.

You're making a record? That is brilliant.
When's it going to be in the shops?

No, um, I'm not talking about a piece of vinyl,
as... as... as very well you know.

No, I know. It's all digital, isn't it?
CD, iPods nowadays, that sort of stuff.

Maybe I think I could
download your remark from the internet.

I can't make a simple statement
without it being pounced upon?

I told you, you should make
your tutorials less erotic.

- My tutorials are irrelevant.
- So I've heard.

My point is,
we may not have seen eye to eye.

Yeah, what is that? Is that a film?

That's it! This is the last time I attempt
a rapprochement with you, Dr Macartney.

Rapprochement. Wow, that is
an amazing French accent you've got.

No, too late to be nice now.
You had your chance.

(rolls tongue) Rapprochement.

- It's a long word and you said it beautifully.
- Well, that's...

How do you get your tongue round
all those French letters?

I dare say it's a certain amount
of practice and a natural bent.

Yes.

You! You think you're
so farting clever, don't you?

All hail, thou beauteous nursey nymph.
Be mine.

Mine's still higher.

You really got me, you really got me

Oh, yeah, you really got me going

You got me so I don't know what I'm doing

Oh, yeah, you really got me going

You got me so I can't sleep at night

You really got me, you really got me

Oh, yeah, you really got me going

You got me so I can't sleep at night

Oh, yeah, you really got me going

You got me so I can't sleep at night

Oh, yeah, you got me...

I'll have to see.

Well, it might not be. I...

Well, I don't know why.
I'll have to get back to you, all right?

Kim, Charles wants some other bloody
briefing. Just tell him to fuck off, would you?

- What's up with her?
- Oh, she's got her iPod on random. Travis.

You think Travis is sad, do you?

There. Bet he's sad now.

Oh, sorry. Oh, hello, Dr Statham.

Ah, yes. You.

We actually have
something in common, you and I.

- Do we?
- Yes. Yes.

I once had a bit of a thing
with someone you know quite well.

Is it... Oh, Graham from Social Services?

No, no.
No, that was actually a bad guess, wasn't it?

No, I was trying to be discreet
and not say Joanna.

Oh, sorry. No, forget that.
Oh, I'm a jelly brain sometimes.

- Does everybody know?
- Oh, God, yes.

- What?
- Famous for it. Complete jelly brain.

Right, right. Yes, yes.

This is a fine little chinwag
we're having, isn't it?

It's nice for the upper echelons to mingle
with the worker bees... every now and then?

Busy, busy. I should really get...

You... you busy, busy little bee.

Sometimes, I think, too busy to look after
each other's needs and desires, isn't it?

We may be from
different ends of the beehive,

but we're not dissimilar, you and I, are we?

You know, I'm, as it were, senior bee
and you're clearly no-spring-chicken bee.

You're getting on a bit, but we have
a shared need for a certain amount of...

- Touch... sex, sex. Would you?
- No. No!

No. No! No!

No, why would you want me, huh? I mean,
look at me. I look like a household broom.

- Who'd want to sleep with a broom?
- A dustpan.

A dustpan indeed, yes. And where would
one find a maritally unfettered dustpan?

Um... Well, my husband found me
at evening classes.

Evening classes?

Yes! Yes!

Thank you.

So, in your state,
what you've probably forgotten

is that you're actually quite shit
at this sort of thing.

Even someone who was dead
and had been fully cremated

would still be fully aware
I am better at this than you.

OK.

So the winner gets
to spend a night of passion

with the most desirable person
in the hospital.

No, hang on a minute, that's me.
I'd be spending a night with myself.

Let's make that the most gorgeous babe
in the hospital.

Look forward to that. And the loser...

I think for the loser a night of terror
with the biggest freak in town,

and that would be Dr Caroline Trodd,
the google-eyed Neanderthal.

Your parents were in a freak show,
weren't they? The Flying Gingos.

No, they ran the show. They paid your wages.
Remember, the Swiss bearded lady boys?

Do you know what? I'd quite like
a night out with Caroline Todd,

cos she has very interesting eyes and she
likes the Kinks, which is strangely endearing.

I think I'm going to be sick.
Right. OK, pick a spoon.

Do you understand the rules
of the Spoon of Destiny?

- I understand the Spoon of Destiny.
- Are you ready to play the Spoon of Destiny?

- I'm ready to play the Spoon of Destiny.
- Well, let's get on with it, then.

Un, deux, trois.

Karen!

Yeah, nice. Um... About that message I left.

- What message?
- On your phone.

- Oh, thanks.
- What for?

For reminding me.
I switched it off after a meeting.

Oh, I'll look for it for you, if you like.

- I can manage.
- That's all right. I don't mind.

- So can I have it?
- Oh, I... I can't seem to find it.

- That's weird.
- Hmm.

- It's not in there.
- I must have left it on my desk, I suppose.

Won't be a minute. Give me a kiss.

(gulps)

- What's the matter with you?
- I've just eaten Karen's phone.

Ah, clever. Although, maybe
you should have eaten her SIM card instead.

Don't worry, mate.
It'll pass straight through you. Like sweetcorn.

Hey, what are you up to?

- Drinking.
- I'll join you. I could do with some drinking.

Fine, but I must warn you
that I'm drinking to forget.

- Oh, yeah? What are you drinking to forget?
- Gin.

Are you drinking to forget
you look a bit like a man sometimes?

No, no. No, it wasn't that,
thank you very much, Martin.

Oh, a pint of Guinness, please.

And I'll have lots of shots in a pint glass.

Do you wanna forget that one of your boobs
looks bigger than the other in that top?

No.

Is it... drinking to forget about
Mac forgetting that you kissed him

and that he might have gone off with
another girlfriend?

No, it wasn't because of that.
It wasn't. It was because...

It was because... because my mum's died.

What? What, she's dead?
That's fucking awful.

Yeah, yeah, it is, yeah.

- It's about Mac, isn't it?
- Yep.

- She's not dead, is she?
- No.

Well, good. That... that is horrible.
That's big shit, your mum dying.

You shouldn't joke about that.

Uh... A pint of Guinness, please.

He's probably put vodka in that.

Does one of my boobs
really look bigger than the other in this?

Um, yeah, a bit.

(mobile rings)

The pain is ending.

And my eyes closed, I feel your fingers
slipping from my hand.

- Oh, dear.
- I sink into a mist that engulfs me.

- That's...
- I drift, I'm free.

Louise, that was, um...

Should I go next? Otherwise we'll not
have time to get round to everybody.

We don't have to rush at it, Alan. Just let
what Louise has said penetrate our souls.

Yes, penetrated. There we are. Um...

Hello, I'm Alan.

Carrier pigeon.

Carrier pigeon.

Carrier pigeon.

Carrier...

of disease.

O, gnarled claw, hobbling,

disease eating away at your very being.

Look out! A car!

I can't fly cos my wing is damaged.

(beeps)

(imitates flatline beep)

So, let it... let it penetrate.

Get off!

- What are you drinking?
- Gin and gin.

It's like gin and tonic,
but you use gin instead of tonic.

- Right.
- I find it relaxes me. Do you want one?

- No, thanks.
- No, of course you don't, Miss Goody-goody.

- I'm not a goody-goody.
- Yes, you are.

You're like some kind of blonde Julie Andrews.

- Julie Andrews is blonde.
- Is she?

- Yeah.
- Fine.

- You're like some Julie Andrews, then.
- No, I'm not.

- See.
- Bloody hell, Angela.

Yeah, I can drink like a fish.

Comes from mainly having male best friends.

Where?

Yeah, well, it's not right outside, is it?

- Problems?
- I preferred you when you were in a coma.

- I'll give you a lift if you like.
- On that thing?

Well, it's perfectly safe.

Safe? Being driven by a man who, until
recently, was as alert as a broken stapler.

- Can you remember what to do?
- I did manage to get here.

All right, then, check your ogglers, then,
and let's do it to it.

- My what?
- Your ogglers.

Oh, don't tell me you've forgotten
what an oggler is. Jesus.

Your ogglers. Speed sphere.

Uh, your whirly girls, your arse cradle, and
of course, very importantly, your head shell.

Shut up and get on.

There she is, yes. Joanna Clore, hello! Yes.

Look, look. Come here, yes.
Come and look. Get in position.

I'm going to put it in, so don't over...
Keep up with her.

No, you overshot. Go back, back.

- Oh, hello.
- What the hell do you want, Alan?

What I want is to prove to you
that I don't need you for sexiness, thank you.

- What?
- I'm having quite a good time without you.

Look at this lovely jiggling. In it goes.
It's gone in and it's coming out.

It's gone in, it's coming out.
And it's not with you, is it?

'By now, your baby will be able to distinguish

and respond to significant sounds
outside the womb.'

'Some experts believe that classical music

can acutely increase
the IQ of the unborn child.'

This is a super bit of sex I'm having.
You're probably quite jealous.

I suppose if jiggling about
with a bored prostitute counts, then...

Well, it's proper sex, don't you deny it.
It's proper sex and I'm having it not with you.

- Hmm, oh, look.
- Can you actually feel anything?

- I've still got my tights on.
- Don't barge.

If you think I'm sitting with my bell-end
wedged up against your buttocks,

you've got another thing coming. Watch your
veebs, check for traffmobiles and let's rock.

Agh!

- Don't follow me.
- Come on! Change position.

Keep with her. I'm going on top now.
I'm popping it in now.

Oh, yes, lovely. She's very adept.

Stop, you tit. I've done a pooh!

Bit of oral! There's some oral going on now.