Green Wing (2004–2007): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript

What, does it say 'no smoking'?

Thanks, Mac.
Now, how can I help you?

Happy birthday, Mum.

- I'm not in a relationship with you no more.
- Aha. At least you admit it's a relationship.

- Was.
- Well, all right.

Where are you, dream boy?

I'm right here, dream... woman.

They're mother and son. We're half-brothers.
It didn't go down too well.

This is your fault!

- He had sex with his mother.
- Don't tell them that!

- Get your schlong up, you big wanker!
- I'm not talking to you.



Who's taken my pigging space?

Still not talking to you.

- That's you.
- No, that's you. Why are you doing that?

- Can you take it from here for me?
- Whoa! How do you stand it up?

I couldn't get your bike to stand up,
so I sold it.

- You're looking gorgeous as ever.
- Thank you.

I was talking to Martin.

Get in the lift. Come on.

- Everybody happy?
- I'll be happier when I get these things off.

I trust there have been
no breaches in security?

Everything's under control, Lieutenant.

Activate clothing change.

Activation.

(Sue) Would anybody like some ham?



Hold on.

This isn't mine.

- Good to have you back, Commander.
- Thanks. It's good to be back.

Status report?

Alien craft now immobilised
in main restraining area.

- What happened to satellite surveillance?
- I don't know.

Blind spot. They're in Area 52.

I'm going in.

And I need someone to come with me.
Where's Guy?

- He's gone to the toilet.
- Who said that?

I can't hear you, sir.

- You're very faint.
- (Mac) No, I'm not. What do you mean?

(Caroline) You're just very quiet today.

You're very quiet today.

Again.

You know, one quiet day
is cool and moody,

but eight quiet weeks
might be considered standoffish.

OK. If you love me,
lie still and don't open your eyes.

If you don't love me,
sit up and sing 'I Will Survive'.

Really?

Aw.

I thought so.

Do you want 'Leader of the Pack' again?

Something to jog the deepest recesses?

There he is. Yoo-hoo!

Hello! Martin!

Marty! Up here!

- I know he can see me.
- Ignoring you again, is he?

Oi! Blind boy!

Yeah, Karen wants a word.

He's all yours.
Quick! She's coming.

- So, how far have you got?
- Oh, I'm just getting to the good bit.

- The bit where he sleeps with his...?
- Yes, thank you.

What do the twatting Greeks
know about tragedy?

Try being me for half an hour.
Then you know about fucking tragedy.

So...

shall we just talk about me and you

and how well things were going

just before you went
and did something really stupid?

(horn)

- How's he doing?
- Oh, you know. Unconscious.

I've been trying to ring you.
Ooh! More cards and prezzies.

'Dearest Macadamia, missing your smell.
From Emmy.' Again.

He doesn't like nuts. Ridiculous thing to bring
when someone's in a coma.

What does she think we'll do? Pur?e them
and shove them down a feeding tube?

- Thoughtless, udderless sow bitch.
- You're coping ever so well, you know that?

- Yeah.

Gotta go.
Tell him to try and get some rest.

D'you wanna be in my gang,
my gang, my gang?

Wanna be in my gang?
Oh, yeah!

Yeah, it's good to be back
It's good to be back, hello

I'm the leader, I'm the leader

I'm the leader of the gang, I am

(clears throat)

Oh, God damn your eyes!

I'll get you, my pretty.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Can you sign this?
- Yeah.

- Hang on. What is this?
- Thank you.

- What did I sign?
- It's a celebrity autograph. For little kiddies.

I want to know. I might just have
sold my kidneys to a rich American.

It just says stuff like the date, you know,

and 'Guy Secretan's time sheet completed,
blahdiblahdiblah'

and 'in accordance with the terms
of the probationary supervision order

number blahdiblahdiblahdiblah'

and, you know, 'I confirm that he is...
blahdiblahdiblahdiblah.'

It means I can work again
sooner rather than later, OK?

No, not OK.
Let me see what I've signed.

- How's coma boy?
- (sighs) No change.

Don't say it like that.
Like you're thinking why him and not me?

- I'm not.
- I know.

I'm just a survivor. I'm the fittest.

Greetings, one and all.

Mr Boyce.

So, what... what jollities await, hm?

What larks? What japes, hm?

What hilarity lurketh today?

Er, is there... is there tomato soup
in the light box, hm?

Or superglued my special mug?

Let's see.

All right. Fair enough.
No, I see not. I mean...

So, w-what is it? Hm?
Always something, isn't there? Eh?

No. Not today.

A truce, then, Mr Boyce, for the nonce?

- Indeed.
- So, what is it?

Hm? A little bit under the weather,
are we, Mr Boyce?

Or have we run out
of childish ideas, huh?

Yes, well, you may have won
the odd battle, Mr Boyce,

but you clearly cannot win the war.

Ego sum victor!

Ha!

My daddy died last night.

Well... Hm?

Well, I-I-I'm very...
I'm saddened that...

That's...

W-w-were you with him at the end?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yes, I was.

Would you like to see him?

What, the body?

He's in there.

Your father is not in there.

No.

No - Daddy.

My pet daddy-longlegs is.

You said you were saddened.

A daddy-longlegs

is not a father!

- Enough.
- Enough what?

Enough of the Florence Nightingale moping
round the sick bed like the little widow.

- I beg your pardon?
- Accepted.

There have been complaints, Dr Turd.

Todd. Complaints? Who, exactly?

Apparently you're spending too much time
with the one invalid

and not enough time
with all the other invalids you're paid to cure.

- Mac is very ill.
- You mustn't blame yourself.

I wasn't. And there can be...
What do you mean, 'blame yourself'?

It was nothing to do with me.

Yes!

There!

- Sorry, where were we?
- There!

Now, here.

You haven't had complaints. You just don't
want me in there with Mac, do you?

- Pah.
- That's the truth, isn't it?

Pah.

Sometimes we have to examine our motives.

Pah, pah.

Yeah, well, you can go on pah-pahing
as long as you like.

Can you live with yourself, though?
That's the thing.

Pah, pah-pah,

pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah,

pah-pah, pah-pah.

Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah,

pah-pah.

Mac, I...

I just want to say that...

I haven't...

I-I wasn't very... I hadn't...
I wasn't... I didn't...

You and me, we... It...

Of course, if it had been me, I wouldn't
have been in a coma in the first place.

I am stronger than you
both physically and mentally.

Let's find out, shall we?

(grunting)

(grunting continues)

Oh.

Honey.

Honey? In your shoe?

It's Robbie's hamster Honey.
He's been missing for a couple of days.

Poor Robbie.

It doesn't matter,
we get through two a week.

Right. I'll put it in the shredder.

Hey.

- All right?
- Yeah.

Don't get all motherly-doverly with me, OK?
I'm not the sentimental type.

Just because I feel sick
every time you come near me

doesn't mean I'm not glad you're not dead.

Ooh, you should set that to music.
It'd make a fantastic lullaby.

- Oi! What are you doing? Fucking nutter.
- Don't you start.

- Idiot.
- Shut up.

Prat.

I'm sitting at the side of your bed, oh

Wishing I could mend your broken head

Wait, wait. Sorry.

Are you 44?

I'm not wearing much makeup,
but that is rude.

No, ticket 44. You need a ticket.

88? But I need to see him.

Well, he's been getting over 100 visitors
a day. We had to do something.

Who installed this machine?

- I can't say.
- Right. Excuse me.

I'm so sorry you're in a coma

I wish you could go home-a

Have you checked those?

I'm just asking. It was a little high.

- Look out!
- What? What?

No, it's OK. I've got it under control.
It's all right. It's OK.

Carry on. Carry on.

(harmonica plays)

I woke up this mornin'

Blues around my head

I wokey up this mornin'

Blues all around my bed

Cos my ginger baby's sleepin'

Sleepin' like he's dead

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

(drumming sounds)

We gotta keep this baby fast asleep

- Anaesthesia is the new rock'n'roll.
- Guy.

- What?
- We don't need two anaesthetists.

That's a very good point, actually,
so, thank you very much, you can go now.

- Guy, there's no point...
- Look.

I'm allowed to observe and take part as long
as I'm signed in and out. Them's the rules.

But the whole point is to assess
your attitude and ability to work normally.

And working normally is making sure
this hysterectomy victim

doesn't know she's in Changing Wombs.

- That's what I'm doing.
- Oh, are you still here?

Oh, I forgot to tell you. Your wife is
in reception with the rest of your beard.

She said she'd like to see you urgently.

My wife's in Reykjavik.

Let me finish. That's right.
That's how important it is.

She flew over especially,
so well done with the easy bit, by the way,

and I think if I will take over from now...

Guy, you mustn't do this. You're just making
it worse for yourself. Go and talk to HR.

Oh. Oh, and who is the head
of human resources?

Who is that?
Is it my new-found mummy?

Yes, I think it might be,
so I'll pass, thank you very much.

- I'm sorry. I can't do this.
- You'll be all right.

- You can just tuck those bits in at the end.
- He means you have to go.

Look. I am allowed to be here as long as
I have my form signed. Will you tell them?

(Caroline) You have to go, Guy.

- Et tu, Caroline?
- Yes, et me.

- It's ego.
- Et ego. Yeah, thank you, yes.

(both) What a wanker.

Kim, where's the sub-contractor
contact details file?

Over there.

- Oh, Karen, do you still have the big stapler?
- Yeah.

(gasp)

- Stupid.
- (scream)

Oh, don't. Just don't.
Just don't. Just don't.

OK.

Wake up or the kitty gets it.

(sighs)

You said that would work.

Sorry. I thought Dr Macartney
was on his own. I'll...

I'll pop back later.

- Hi.
- Hey.

We could meet outside, you know.
I mean, it's a bit poky in here.

Yeah, but here we don't get seen...
um, disturbed. It's more private.

- Shall we kiss?
- Yeah.

Shall we try it with open mouths?

And maybe we could
use our tongues a bit?

OK.

Kim, any idea how these got into my office?

- No, no idea. They weren't there earlier.
- Hm.

- There's labels on them.
- 'One' and 'two'.

Well, I suppose
I'd better see what they are.

- (Kim) It's a tape recorder.
- Yes.

(Statham) Hello, Joanna. It's me.

Alan. Alan Statham.

I know I may have been a little harsh
with the things I said

about yourself and Dr Secreta...

I just wanted you to know
that my true feelings are very different.

I think if you open present number two
you'll see what I mean.

Go on, open it.

Yes.

Undo the shiny clasp.

More shoddy presents.
Kim, have you got any scissors or anything?

- Yeah, that's-that's all right. It's...
- That's it.

Carefully lift the lid.

Aargh!

You weren't expecting that, were you?
Thousands of flies.

Dirty, dirty flies bursting from the box
and buzzing around you,

filling the room
like a black, stinking cloud.

And you know why they're attracted
to you, do you? Mm?

Because you're a piece of dead meat.

Crawling all over you right now.

Aargh!

In your hair. Up your nostrils.

Up your fetid fanny hole...

I think this present needs returning,
if you could pop down to Dr Statham's office

and chuck it in through the door.

Yeah, yeah, finger on top.

Yeah, carefully. Carefully, carefully.

(Karen grunts)

I've got to...

Guy.

Did you take a cat and a gun
into Mac's ward?

It was a replica.

You brought in a replica cat?

A replica gun.

You are trying to get fully reinstated.
How stupid can you be?

Not stupid enough to ask whether
someone might have had a replica cat.

Ow!

I hope you're pleased with yourself, because
they have banned you from seeing Mac.

- Bann-ed? They can't ban me.
- They just have.

You will not be allow-ed into the room.
If you do, you'll be suspend-ed.

- I'd like to see them try and stop me.
- Don't push it, Guy.

Oh, right.
Yeah, like I'm gonna do what a girl says.

Pick those up now.

Yup. Sorry.

Hm? (laughs)

Dr Macartney.

How are you?

Mm-hm. Mm.

Not so clever now, are we? Hm?

Where are your cryptic quips
and snide asides now?

Mm, mm-hm-hm.

Hm? Hm.

I feel like God. Yes, I do.

And Godlike,
I shall make you in mine image.

In the beginning was the void,
the rather bland and pasty visage,

and Statham said, 'Let there be hair.'

And... and lo,

there was.

Facial hair.

- How about blonde?
- Oh, no.

No, it takes a certain sort of face
to carry off blonde.

- What?
- You need a delicate facial structure.

Blonde doesn't really go
with thickset features.

Oh.

Uh, initials, please.

There we are. TS for thickset.

Ooh, nice fin.

- Oh, thanks, yeah. Got it off eBay.
- Nice.

I don't think so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thanks.

Meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow.

And Statham looked upon it
and saw that it was good.

He also added...

a rather...

fashionable pair of spectacles.

There. Yes. Very nice.

Hm. Er...

I think there's a bit of a double act here.

This town ain't big enough
for the both of us

And it ain't me who's gonna leave

This town ain't big enough for both of us

Pardon?

You challenge me,
do you, to a rubber? Right.

OK. There.

The game of games. Well,...

j'accepte.

Right. Thank you.

Hold it steady. No cheating.

Right. Your serve.

Oh, bad luck. One nil.

Right. Here we go.

Genetically, we are very, very similar.

No, actually, because as you'll recall
from the film Twins,

starring Danny DeVito
and Arnold Schwarzenegger...

I love that film. They're twins.
One big, one small.

Yeah, that's right. Well done.
You got the general concept.

It showed it's possible for one sibling
to inherit superior genetic material

and for the other to inherit
what is basically DNA/ shit.

- You've got curry.
- You've got chimp's ears.

- You don't like curry.
- No, not usually, no.

But it's Ramadan.

Mm. A time for fasting.

Oh, mm, yum, yum, yum.

Smells so good.

We're Hindu, you nipple.

Yeah, well, kumbaya.

Hector?

Horace? Horatio?

- Herbert?
- Harold?

Too old-fashioned.
How about a biblical name?

- Yeah. Herod.
- No. Barabbas?

Don't think so.

Gabriel.

- Yeah, I like Gabriel.
- Oh, my God, do you know it's a boy?

- It's unlucky. Don't name it yet.
- This is for Karen.

- Oh, my God. Karen's pregnant?
- Am I? Oh, my God.

Uh, no. Karen's picking
a pet name for Martin's penis.

And she likes Gabriel.

What?

It does look like a Gabriel.

Oh! Dick.

OK, Boycie, hello. Out of ten,
how great is it to have me around?

- I don't know.
- Come on, come on, out of ten.

- Eight?
- Eight?

- Nine?
- Why not ten?

- OK, ten.
- You said nine.

- I said eight originally.
- That was just stupid, I was ignoring that.

- What about you?
- Ten, obviously.

- Yeah. You see? Ten.
- Yeah, but then we're related, so...

- Fuck off, runt.
- Right, that's nine.

- Why?
- Why? You were just mean to me.

If that meanness continues,
I'll take it even lower.

That's so shallow. So you base your opinion
on whether someone's nice to you?

- You're saying I'm shallow?
- Yeah, you're shallow.

- You're like a dried-up puddle in the sun.
- Eight.

You should've started at 100,
cos this is gonna be over in seconds.

Oh, look, you're a Pastafarian.

'Later, young lion.'

Yeah, and you can have that.
I don't like curry.

Cheers. You not gonna
take that off your head?

- Just trying to look like I'm not bothered.
- Working. Definitely working.

- (Martin) Do you like Twins?
- Shit, yeah. Emotional minefield, though.

He thinks I'm talking about girls.
I'm talking about the film.

Oh, bad luck.

Right, out. I've had enough of this nonsense
with the Ping-Pong bats and the felt pens.

- Have you drawn on him?
- Ah, Dr Todd. There was a... under...

No, he's gone. No, there he is! There's a small
Ping-Pong man. I'll get him. Don't you worry.

Come on, you, Ping-Pong. Come here.

Is that confetti?

Yeah, no one tells Guy Secretan
where he can and can't go.

OK.

I think I'm going...

to go to B7.
Let's take a look, shall we?

Oh, dear. You've already lost two battleships
and now you've lost your aircraft carrier.

Disaster.
It's like Pearl Harbor all over again.

Hello.

- (high voice, guttural accent) Hello.
- I'm Caroline, Mac's friend.

Nice to meet you, dear.

And you are...?

Ah, I'd better go.

Ah, goodbye, sweet boy.

No, please don't go on my account.

How long have you known Mac for?

Oh, you know, so long.

(laughs)

- Since he was a wee ginger nipper.
- Oh, gosh.

Aw, you're such a lovely girl.

Oh, you know, you're so smooth...
You're not that smooth, actually.

You could... There are products
you can get for that, you know.

He's so lucky to have you.

- I wish he would wake up.
- Oh, darling.

Ach! My darling sweet.

My darling.

Oh. Oh...

- Ooh! Right, well, it's very nice to meet you.
- Goodbye.

- Bye.
- Bye!

She had nice eyes, your friend.

Rather like Guy's.

Perhaps you should listen
to some more music.

This is Caroline Todd.

Traffic after the news, but first this.

- And we'll be right back.

I wish you'd come back, Mac.

Please come back.

Want you back

Want you back for good

Got a fist of pure emotion

Got a head of shattered dreams

Gotta leave it

Gotta leave it all behind now

(Statham shouting)

Dr Statham?

Eh?

- Can I come in?
- No! No, don't.

(exhales)

So, what... what can I do for you?

Um... you said it was OK...

Flies!

You said it was OK if I could come by
and get that study pack?

Yes, yes, oh, yes. But I'm not...
I'm just a bit busy at the moment.

Tomorrow would probably be
more convenient on the whole.

Yes?

- Flies.
- No, rubbish. No.

Well, maybe one or two,
but it's quite normal for the time of year.

Your flies.

Yes, yes, yes, they're undone. That's...
that's quite normal for the time of year.

These trousers are actually filled.

- God, I miss Mac's crotch.
- Look, er...

I'm really sorry about you...
you not being able to go in and see Mac.

Oh. Well, that's... you know.
It's been hard. It's been hard.

But that's OK. I mean...

You've gotta abide by the rules.
Otherwise there'd be anarchy.

- Might as well pack up and go home.
- What are you doing?

I'm packing up and going home.
No, I'm not really. I'm going for a drink.

I shall be back tomorrow
to abide by the rules.

Good for you. I'm impressed.

Listen, Caroline,
if a man doesn't have his integrity,

what does he got?

- Battleships.
- What?

That's not... That wasn't me.

What wasn't you?

- Oh, yeah. No, well... No, look...
- Ah. Hm. What?

That... that... that...

Do you... do you mean that woman who...
(impersonates self dressed as woman)

- Who's she?
- She's the woman who...

- You must know that woman.
- Do I?

She's... she's around. She's called...

Hccaaa.

Who's... Hcccaaa?

- She works in the hcccanteen.
- Ah, does she?

- Yeah. She serves the hccchips.
- Does she? The... the what? The...

- The... the...
- Hhhhips?

- Fish and chips.
- Bullshit.

- I'll take over.
- Where'd you come from?

I said words with my mouth,
you heard them with your ears,

you understood them with your brain.
Is that correct? Yes, well, you can go now.

Shoo.

Sleeping beauty.

My flame-haired Adonis.

Naked.

- What exactly are you doing?
- Test. Yes, uh-huh.

And please don't interrupt me again.
Thank you.

Oh, come on.

What sort of test?

Secret test.

That's it. That's lovely.

That's it. Nearly there.

(moans)

Excellent. There, now.

Well, that wasn't too difficult, was it? Eh?

Just...

get all that goodness up, shall we?

- Is he all right?
- Yes. Fuck off.

- What?
- Er, sorry.

If you could just pop yourself out,
now, please.

You're not actually qualified
to do this sort of test.

There we go.
Now, that is a pot full of goodness.

A tasty accompaniment
to sausages and cold meats.

I'll say.

Can you believe there are people in this world
who think that I am a dishonest,

friendless, drunken cheat?

- That's really sad.
- Yeah. Well, it gets worse.

- Does it?
- Yeah.

I fucked my mother.

- Me too.
- You fucked your mother?

I fucked your mother.
Joanna Clore, right?

Yeah.

- Fancy another?
- Another pop on the old Clore... (laughs)

- Another drink.
- Oh. Sorry.

- Jesus.
- Um, yeah, why not?

Right. Can I have a...?

Is there someone here who didn't fuck
my mother who'd get us a drink?

Dr Toad.

D'you have any litmus paper at all?

Not here, no.
You could try the path lab.

Great.

Just need to check the pH balance
of the old sideways smile.

- Sideways smile?
- You know, my woman glove.

My... my skin mitten.
My panty piggybank.

It's prone to high levels of acidity.

- Actually, I don't...
- I have an acidic vagina.

- Goodness. That's bad, is it?
- If you want to conceive, it is.

At the present time I believe my vagina
is at least ten times too tart.

- Wow. That's a tongue twister.
- It'll make your eyes water too.

But I'll soon have an alkali version
up and ready.

Well, good for you.

- How about yours?
- Never checked.

Oh, well, I'll pop some litmus paper off
on the way back, then, shall I?

So I managed to swim
out of the ambulance window,

and, while I fended off the shark,

- the other two were able to escape.
- Right.

But I was powerless to prevent one of them
stupidly, stupidly knocking himself out

on a World War II mine.

- Right.
- Yeah.

And, er, so I thought, what do you do?

What do you do in this situation?
I mean, what would you do?

Well, what I did was
I took off my dressing gown

and I wrapped it round my head
like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Hi.

Me again.

OK, now.

'Motorbike safety tips.'

'Always assume drivers can't see you.'

'Maintain safe spacing'
and I'm in love with you.

Right. 'Beware of oncoming right-turners'
and you are the one.

You're kind, you're funny,
you do that amused smile,

when you look at me
it makes me go all... (shivers)

Please wake up. I want you to do
some gardening in my parsley patch.

I want you to make love to me.

Oh, fuck.

I think I've killed a doctor.

- Is she dead?
- No, Martin.

Thank God for that.
Has someone told Mac?

I think you should.
This could end up like Romeo and Juliet.

You're not gonna top yourself,
are you, Mac?

I bet she's in a coma.
It's like some kind of coma relay race.

- Mac's just handed on the baton.
- She's not in a coma.

Calm down. She's gonna be fine.

Well, I'm just... I'm stressing out.
First Mac's OK, which is brilliant,

but then I've gotta cope with this
and I can't handle it. It's just too weird.

- I need to lie down.
- I think that's probably a good idea, Martin.

- Not there!
- Oh, sorry.

Down in the meadow
in a little baby pool

Swam three little fishies
and a mama fishy too

'Swim,' said the mama fishy,
'swim if you can'

And they...

Swam and they swam
right into my dam

(groans)

I know I keep saying this,
but I'll never drink again.

Caroline! Caroline, are you OK?

I mean, you look great as usual,
but how do you feel?

- D'you want me to hold your hand?
- Thank you, Martin, I'm OK.

I think we could do with some quiet in here.
Would you mind?

Keep your voice down.

Come on, Martin. Let's give them
some peace. Be back later.

Mine, mine, mine

(sighs)

Come on, you!

Come on!

- I thought, what do I do?
- Hm.

- You know. I mean, what do I do?
- Oh, are you asking me?

- No. I'm about to tell you what I did.
- Oh. OK.

What I did was, I thought, you have to
navigate by the stars. Did you know?

If you're lost in the ocean.
And I thought, I'll navigate by the stars.

- Like Galileo, isn't it?
- Yeah.

When it gets dark,
cos it was about three in the afternoon.

So I waited, and I waited,

and then it got dark,
but there weren't any stars cos it was cloudy.

- It's a shame, isn't it?
- Oh, can you imagine how...?

I think at that moment
I knew how Ronnie Scott...

Who is the bloke
who went to the North Pole?

Ronnie Scott.

Er, Mac's woken up.
He knocked out Caroline Todd.

Oh, yes. Of course he did.
And I've got a cold in my cock.

No, he did. I've gotta tell Guy.
Have you seen him?

Mr Boyce, have we ever heard of the story
of the little boy who cried wolf?

- Why would I lie?
- Long ago in Germany,

many, many moons ago
in a little village in the mountains

lived a little, little boy, and he...

- Fuck me! There is a wolf!
- You bloody wolf!

No. No, I-I knew she wasn't a wolf.

I... No, see, I pretended
that she-she wasn't a wolf,

and therefore you are the fool, not...

Ha, ha, ha!

Um, and I... and I was picked up
by a Portuguese fishing vessel.

Wow.

In a mackerel net.

- Yeah.
- What a shock.

- I know. It was for me. Terrible.
- No, for them.

Well, yeah. Yeah.
I hadn't thought of that.

So, anyway, they...

I was there for a day and we didn't get on
and they threw me back in.

But I was picked up by another boat and...

they tried to rape me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh. I would have loved
to have seen that.

Well...

- They didn't actually get to do it.
- Yeah, they did.

No, they... No, they didn't.

- Yeah, right.
- They did not.

- They didn't.
- All right.

So, you're awake.

Yeah. Yeah.

Either that or this is the most
extraordinarily ordinary dream ever.

Well, that was a good 40 winks you've had.

The things some people will do
to get out of a couple of shifts.

I-I guess.

How are you feeling?

Um... tired.

- That's perfectly normal. You're a doctor.
- Mm-hm.

You've been in a coma

for quite some time.

- Have they invented the hover car yet?
- No.

Damn.

(laughs)

Oh, great.

- I shot him in the arse with a harpoon.
- (Boyce) Guy!

Mac's out of his coma.

- Everything I've just said is off the record.
- Oh, the stupid one's awake.

- Who are you?
- Oh, just a man.

He's my best friend and I love him.

Oh, I see.

- Seriously though, mate...
- What?

Out of his coma. He's awake.
He's bloody awake.

Big deal. Let's give him more attention.

He hasn't had enough attention so far,
he's been asleep for eight weeks.

We've all been in there. 'Please wake up.'
Would he wake up? No.

So, now he's decided, what is he?
The ginger Jesus? I mean, frankly I...

Shh.

Stop with your anger.

Guy.

Guy.

- Mac's awake.
- Oh, well, that's great.

- He's out of his coma, Guy.
- That's... No, that is great.

No, that's great. That's great, because
if he's awake then I haven't killed him.

- I haven't murdered anyone.
- Yet.

Can we get some drinks around here
cos I haven't murdered anyone?

I feel very strange.

Are you... are you Caroline Todd?

- No, I'm Mabel MacWhirter, hospital visitor.
- Are you?

Yeah, very good. Shame to see
you haven't lost your sense of humour.

I wonder where my girlfriend is?

Hello!

Her surname's not...

Holly, no...

- Emmy. Do you know where Emmy is?
- Stop it.

Mabel, could you ask some of
the nursing staff to track down Emmy?

- She works in physiotherapy.
- Fuck you, Mac.

You're... you're quite rude, aren't you,
for a hospital visitor?

And you do look the spitting image
of Caroline Todd. She's the new girl.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

- She's rude as well sometimes.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- And she's got the same messy hair.
- No, no, this isn't fair!

- You are Caroline.
- Yes, yes, I am bloody Caroline!

(squeaky voice) 'Pregnancy can produce
a number of conflicting emotions,

ranging from feelings of pure joy...'

'..to bouts of black depression.'

Mac! What happened
on the day of the accident?

What accident?

(groans)

Bollocking shitbags!

(howls)

(sobs)

Can we get some unhomicidal drinks?

(sobs)

Oh, dear. Oh, dear me.

I see you're in on Mr Boyce's
little scheme as well, hm?

- How's the head?
- Ow!

- Oh, very good. Very good.
- Ow.

I'm not as green
as people who were born yesterday.

Sex for everybody!

Ow!

(clears throat)

'You may feel faint.'