Green Wing (2004–2007): Season 1, Episode 5 - Housewarming Party - full transcript
- ( deep sigh )
- Angela, what are you doing?
Oh, my God!
Have I just seen you come?
You think I've got really nice eyes?
Yeah, well, I mean...
You know, the whole head is... is good.
But, well, it's your eyes...
They're top eyes.
Seems I score quite highly
in all-round easiness.
Though I lose a few marks
on cleanliness and mental attitude.
Gosh, I can't believe your arse
only got a four and mine got an eight.
Are you telling me you've given me
a spunk-filled locket for my birthday?
It's such a part of me
that I sometimes forget that it's quite big.
I'm stressed out about my exams.
OK, I've got you. If you stopped being
stressed, things would be a lot easier for you.
Yes!
Happy birthday...
- Mum.
- Jesus!
GREEN WING
Episode 5: Housewarming Party
- I've got bowel cancer.
- What is it, sweet?
I've told you, I've got bowel cancer.
I've got blood clots in my...
OK, well, we'd better go and have a look.
Sun-dried tomatoes.
Yeah, so thank God
I had this filthy bitch between my thighs.
She is a beast, but you've got
to become one with that beast, yeah?
You've got to control
the beast. OK?
I don't think I need it.
It was a nightmare. Everyone was panicking.
I said, '"You've got to calm down, guys.'"
Because we had to intubate nasally.
There was house red everywhere, OK?
And you would have probably fainted.
That kind of thing does not bother me at all.
- Sorry.
- No. Go on, sit on it.
I have got a bike.
It's a scooter.
- It's similar, but...
- It's a great scooter.
Yeah, cheers.
Hey.
Vroom, vroom, vroom!
(mimics acceleration )
- That's probably enough.
- Yeah.
Ah, Caroline Todd.
Still sleeping rough, I see.
Well, no, actually.
Bit of advice.
Hairdressers are alive and well, you know.
And clearly all blind!
- Where do you want the admissions lists?
- Put them in my in-tray.
What's this?
- Give it back to me. It's mine!
- Can't I look at it?
No!
Oh, it looks like a poem to me.
- Have you written a poem, Karen?
- Can I have it back, please?
'"Ode to Martin.'"
Martin who?
- Martin Dear, he's the queer.
- He is not!
'"There was a time I had not seen you
I don't know how I coped
'"Now every day I want to watch you
and help you with your moped'"
- '"Help you with your moped'"? What's that?
- Mo-ped. It's mo-ped.
- That doesn't rhyme.
- Yes, it does!
- Well, it's assonance.
- What?
A half-rhyme. Michael Caine taught
Julie Walters about it in Educating Rita.
Bollocks!
I tell you what you could do, Karen.
In the second line: coped - co-ped.
'"I know not how I co-ped.'"
No. A bit florid perhaps.
Morning, mumsie. Morning, Rachel.
Morning, Kim.
- Jesus!
- What?
Sorry, nothing.
You took me by surprise.
Kim, I need you to sort out
everyone's holiday rota at some point.
- It looks very striking, by the way.
- What does?
- Your hair.
- Yeah, what about it?
Oh, that. It always gets lighter
in the summer with the sun.
- What do you think?
- It's amazing!
I wouldn't go that far! I'm surprised
you've noticed. I don't think anyone else has.
Right.
Full attention, please, tiny tots.
As you've seen from your actual in-depth
bowel tour of an actual working hospital,
it's full of sick people who want to get better.
But a lot of them don't and they die in pain.
Any questions?
- Can we see the morgue?
- No. Anything else?
Good. Now, we are going to meet
a very competent doctor
and a close personal friend
of mine, Dr Macartney.
This way, youths.
Right, Kimmy, I'm just off
to this IT seminar. If anybody...
Oh, you all think
you're so titting funny, don't you?
Of course, you realise I'll have
to dock your wages for stationery wastage.
Hiya.
You're Highfield sixth form, yeah?
I hear you want to ask me some questions.
About medicine.
No?
Right, I'll piss off then.
- Do you cut people up?
- Er... yep.
But only if they're asleep
and if they ask me nicely.
- Do you get to sleep with nurses?
- Yep, it's in their contract.
- Are you married?
- No.
- Are you?
- No.
- She's saving herself for '"the one'".
- Shut up!
Mac, they're bringing Mrs Foyle round.
You wanted to be there.
I'll be right there. I'm just gonna
put a few people off a life in medicine.
- Hello.
- Are you a doctor?
Er, yes.
- And are you married?
- Goodness, no.
She's still looking for '"the one'".
(mouths )
Can I just say,
you're looking absolutely fantastic.
Thank you.
Look at you. You look like a cross between
Debbie Harry and Linda Evans from Dynasty.
- Oh, you flatterer.
- I used to think dyed hair was a bit trashy...
It's not dyed, actually.
It just goes lighter in the sun.
Yeah, absolutely.
We had a dog that did exactly that.
Well, there we are...
Ah, morning, Lyndon.
- (mimics ) Morning, Lyndon.
- (Joanna ) Whassup?
Whassup? What's going down?
What's the buzz?
There's a house-warming,
one of the doctors.
- Which doctor?
- Oogaga! Oogaga!
It's a witch doctor. Oogaga...
Carry on.
- It's Caroline Todd.
- Ah, the ragamuffin one.
- Are you going?
- I can't, I'm afraid.
What about you, Mr Voodoo man?
Are you invited?
I don't think so. She's not going
to invite someone of my seniority.
She'll be sticking to
the lower forms of pond life.
- And what form of pond life am I?
- I'd say you were a water boatman.
Cool.
Er, no. Not '"cool'", actually,
because a fish would probably eat you.
- Any final thoughts, Dr Todd?
- Don't get ill.
We make you all sleepy
and do terrible things.
Wise words, indeed.
- She could be your '"one'".
- OK, that's all we've got time for. Very good.
Enjoy yourselves, have good lifes.
It's been real.
Right, young people. Chippy-choppy.
Your coach awaits. Choppy-choppy!
- I love him.
- Hands off!
- Well, that's them fucked up for life.
- Yep.
- Well done.
- Thanks.
- What would you do?
- They don't ask questions like that.
They can, it's called ethics.
They can throw anything at you.
So there's a five-year-old girl in a house?
The house is on fire.
If you run in and save the girl,
the dangerous psychopath
will shoot the mother in the head.
- What are you gonna do?!
- Right, OK. Erm...
- I'll try and save both of them.
- You can't save both, that's the point!
- Right, OK. Well, I'd save the girl.
- Why?
Because she's younger. She's got
more years of human life ahead of her.
She's got an incurable disease.
She's got five years to live, tops.
- Nightmare. Erm...
- Come on! That fire's catching hold!
I'm still going for the kid,
that's what the mother would want.
- No, the mother is very selfish.
- Then she deserves to die.
- Ohh, they won't like that!
- No, she doesn't deserve to die.
- Come on, you're losing points!
- I'm... I'm going in. I'm still getting the kid.
- The mother?
- The psychopath could change his mind.
- Why would he?
- I would talk to him.
I would say, '"Hey, calm down. Don't do
anything stupid, Steven. Give me the gun.'"
- Steven?
- I'd find out his name first.
- What's his star sign? I'm joking!
- Right. '"Calm down, Steven. I'm a doctor...'"
Aaagh!
That's the girl dying horribly in the fire.
You took too long. Burnt to a crisp.
- Oh, my God. She was quite poorly, though.
- Bang!
- What's that?
- Mummy's dead. Bang!
- Steven.
- No, his name was Jason. You lose.
Work!
They don't ask questions like that.
- What if nobody comes?
- Why wouldn't they?
I haven't been here that long,
and I'm not exactly Miss Popular.
Oh, don't be silly.
Anyway, I am.
Come on, come on!
I am just saying that
my genes come from intellectuals
and yours come from
potato-digging shillelagh strummers.
Right, shillelagh is a stick.
Why would you want to strum a stick?
That's my point.
How stupid can you get?
Martin, what do you think of
when I say the word '"Switzerland'" to you?
- You've never said it before.
- I'm saying it now.
- And don't say Phil Collins lives there.
- Does he?
Shut your eyes,
think of Switzerland - what do you see?
- Nothing.
- You must see something!
- I don't have a visual memory, sorry.
- I see something.
I see a chocolate Phil Collins coming out of
a clock every hour, to tidy up his Nazi gold.
- That is a big lie. Here comes Jimmy Saville.
- I like Phil Collins.
- (as Saville) Now then, now then.
- What the hell are you lot laughing at?
- (as Saville) Now then, now then.
- What the hell are you lot laughing at?
You of all people!
At least I don't look like a girl.
- Yeah, touch?, touch?, very good.
- Absolutely.
What I mean is, I don't look like a man-girl.
Of course I look like a girl.
Only this morning, someone said
I looked like a Hollywood star.
- It was Linda Evans, actually.
- She should know.
- Linda Evans said that?
- No, she... she...
Linda Evans from Dynasty, no less, so stick
that in your orange pipe and choke on it...
Dr Lena Zavaroni.
- You were absolutely brilliant.
- I know. Will you just fuck off?!
- What are you wearing?
- It's called a white coat.
It's like the one you're wearing,
only a tiny bit whiter.
- What are you wearing tonight?
- I hadn't thought.
- I may have something new in the cupboard.
- New?
How can you just have something new
in the cupboard?
Forward planning. I often pick up the odd
outfit on my day off. I hate panic buying.
- What about you?
- Yeah, I've got plenty of odd outfits.
- (knock at door)
- (Mac) Hiya. How are you?
Hi.
- You did say 12, didn't you?
- You're right, I did, and you're bang on time.
Could you hold this chair steady?
It keeps swivelling around here.
I just need to put something up here.
- OK, I've got you.
- (groaning) OK, OK, OK.
And it's... in.
- Lovely. I, erm...
- Lovely. Right, well, thanks. Thanks for that.
Thanks, Mac.
Now, how can I help you?
I was wondering if you could sign
this application form for me?
Yeah, of course I can.
Let's have a look at those details, shall we?
- It's just at the bottom there.
- Still single, I see?
- I find that hard to believe.
- Yeah.
What?
- (whispers ) Angela.
- Hm?
- Angela.
- Hm?
- Angela!
- Hm?
I might have got a pen top
stuck in my nose.
Let's have a look.
Oh!
- Aw. How on earth did you do that?
- No, I wasn't picking!
My hand was on my head and I slipped,
and the top of my pen just...
OK, let's have a look.
(sharp intake of breath ) Ooh!
Try blowing it out.
No. Blowing it out through your nose.
No, no. You see, no....
Come along.
So, perhaps if you could just sign here?
Just at the bottom.
All righty.
Here we go.
That's great.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Very good.
There you go.
All right.
- Thank you, Dr Macartney.
- Thank you.
You know something?
You are gonna make a wonderful consultant.
That's very kind of you.
See you later.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye, now.
- Hello, girls.
- What's up with her?
- I thought we were going to A&E.
- We are, sort of.
- Is Harriet around?
- I think she's feeding the guinea pigs.
- Are my ears burning?
- Hello, Hatty.
We've got a pen top, left nostril,
slightly protruding.
- Hello, snooks.
- Hello, I'm Dr Todd. Pleased to meet you.
Look at the fairies!
There, done.
Oh! That was incredible.
Beads up noses, scraped knees
or splinters - come to me.
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
Look, I'm having a party tonight,
and you're all invited.
Back to work, back to work.
So the second stage of the scan
is the powerful pulse of radio waves
which knock the protons out of alignment.
Is that a mobile phone?
Come on!
Was what a mobile phone?
- That noise.
- I didn't hear a noise. Can you describe it?
- Yes, it was a kind of chirrup.
- Chirrup?
Yes. Like, erm, '"Chi-chi-chirrup.'"
Could it have been a chaffinch
stuck in a ventilation shaft?
No, it wasn't a chaffinch, Mr Boyce.
A chaffinch goes, '"T-t-t-t-tweet-tu.'"
- Chiffchaff?
- A chiffchaff?
I wonder what noise the onomatopoeically
named chiffchaff might make.
- A sort of chirrup noise?
- Chiffchaff.
'"Chiffchaff. Chiffchaff. Chiffchaff.
Chiffchaffchiffchaff.'"
- You're beginning to sound a bit like a tit.
- Come here. Come on. Arms up.
- I'm unarmed, I swear to God.
- Assume the position.
- Stop that!
- I can't help it. You've got masterful hands.
- No, I haven't.
A-ha!
Here we are.
I assume this is of the utmost importance
and can therefore be shared with the class.
I'm not sure that, erm...
'"Hello B-C.'"
- '"Hello Boyce.'"
- '"Hello Boyce.'"
- '"I wnt...'"
- Want.
Oh. '"You'" with a u, very clever.
- '"I want you to cm...?'"
- Come.
'"I want you to come on my tts...'"
It's quite forward.
She's a primary school teacher.
Come here.
So a primary school teacher sent you
this poorly spelt barrage of filth?
Yeah!
I haven't phoned her for a while.
What are they like in your depraved world?
You know what women are like,
hey, Rambo?
The way they get keener when you get
meaner and less available, more mysterious.
They love all that.
They'll do anything to a man
they think is mysterious.
- Enigmatic.
- Stop! (babbles )
Enough! Because of Mr Boyce's diversion,
we've run out of time for today, so, er... shoo.
Yes, shoo, shoo, shoo.
Go on.
And you, shoo.
- Something's troubling you.
- No, nothing. Honestly.
Don't lie to me, Martin.
Do not lie to me.
I am not lying!
- Is it the party?
- You know about the party?
- Is the little party bothering you?
- Yes. Yes, it is.
Ha-ha! I knew it.
You see, it wasn't that difficult, was it?
- Are you gonna go?
- Well, I haven't... yeah, haven't been invited.
Thought maybe perhaps you could possibly
maybe have a word with them, perhaps.
- I could do, yeah. That's a good idea.
- Is that, er...
What's his name?
Dr... Dr Macartney, is he going?
- I think so, yeah.
- Yep. I see, I see, I see.
You see, the thing is,
I think I need to get some clothes.
You've got no clothes? Don't worry.
Go in your white coat, you look splendid.
No, no, no, I have got clothes,
but I just haven't got anything cool.
I don't know
what kind of clothes women like.
You're gonna go in women's clothes?
Hmm, mysterious.
Hmm.
(phone rings )
Yeah?
- (Alan ) Hello, it's me.
- Yeah, what do you want?
- I'm not in your office.
- Yeah, so what about it?
Normally I would have come to see you,
but today, well...
(sniggers )
- I have better things to do.
- So?
- So...
- So piss off and do them!
Hm!
I rather think the lady
hath a fish-hook in her lip.
That's it.
Get your kit off.
Kit off!
Right, now,
if it's clothes you're after...
how about these for starters?
- OK, how's that?
- Well, it's a bit crispy here. And here.
Crispy? Creeping Jesus!
These are supposed to have been washed.
Washed? Washed?
What, it's not new?
No, it's not new! Why would I have
a box of new clothes in my office?
No. No, Martin, it's not new.
This is the dead box.
- These are the clothes of dead people?
- Name hasn't fooled you, then.
- That is disgusting!
- Don't be soft, there's nothing wrong with it.
Look. Fatal RTA, fatal RTA,
stroke victim.
I waited three days for these.
Saves me a fortune.
But if it's not good enough for you,
I'll have to take you shopping.
Oh, brilliant(!)
Well, not now, you fucking twat!
Out!
Go and dance with your midget elf friends!
- Hi.
- Hey.
If you had to kill someone out of work,
could you?
What?
Kill an unemployed person?
No, no. Outside of work,
not at the hospital.
- Hm, I don't know.
- I reckon I could, if they came at me.
- Yeah? What, hand-to-hand?
- Yeah, if they had a sword or something.
I reckon reflexes would take over.
If somebody came at me with a sword,
my reflex would be to run away.
Sometimes you're not in a running-away
mood, or maybe I've got a sword as well.
- How come you both have swords?
- Maybe we're in a sword shop.
That local sword shop down the road
on the high street?
Yeah. So we're in a sword shop
and he comes at me.
I reckon I'd be ready.
I reckon I could take him... Oh, shit!
Forgot the blower thing.
Where do I... just poke...
What if you had an important ally?
You know, someone high up
in the hospital management,
someone sophisticated
and slightly older, maybe,
who could, erm, help you,
if you get my meaning?
That would be unfair. And, like I say,
my wages really are fine, thanks.
Lyndon, Lyndon, you're forgetting,
I am Head of Human Resources.
I know exactly how much you earn.
(Joanna laughs )
You forget I'm head of the database.
I know exactly how...
slightly older you are.
(Joanna ) Gorgeous shoes.
- Watch your head.
- Sorry.
- Really interesting article.
- Yeah.
- I could kill everyone with a baseball cap.
- With one baseball cap?
No, if you get everyone together, all wearing
baseball caps, I'd happily kill them.
- With a sword?
- (Guy ) Yeah.
- Of course you could.
- What if you had to kill your own dad?
OK, she's out of here.
Thank you very much.
We're very, very lucky to have people like you
working in the caring profession.
- (insistent beeping)
- Oh, shit!
- Be OK.
- (beeping returns to normal)
Yeah, you don't fool me, sleepy.
Whoo-tah!
You like this? Look.
Hmm?
Have you got a hoodie?
Well?
I'm circumcised, actually.
- A hoodie.
- Oh, a hoodie. Hood, yes.
Well, this makes you look
like you're in a gang, so...
I know what you're thinking.
I'm not Jewish.
Take a seat.
Look, has this something
to do with Joanna Clore?
Do you want to talk about it?
If there's a problem,
I'm sure we can...
No, really, I think we...
I'm not sure that I'm with you here.
Fucking hell!
- Are you all right, Fartin?
- Don't listen to him.
I think he's quite excited about the party.
Yeah, just, er, practising my dancing.
I think my moves
are getting a little bit funky.
- Funkay.
- Funky.
- No, funkay.
- Funky.
- No, funkay.
- Funky.
- Funkay.
- Funky.
- Say it with me: funkay.
- Funky.
- Oh, for Christ's sake.
- Funky.
- No, funkay.
- Funky.
No. (clears throat)
Ready?
- Funkay. Funkay.
- Funky. Funky.
- Funkay. Funkay.
- Funky!
- Funkaaay!
- Yeah, all right.
- Funkay.
- Funky.
- Alan, what the fuck have you been up to?
- You know, things. My own... secret things.
- Yeah, why?
- Ah! Ha-ha!
Are you ever going to stop
being such an utter wanker?
I don't care what you're feeling,
but please don't damage hospital property.
- Yeah, why?
- I'm just saying this is a hospital,
not some kind of a stunt show.
- What do you think you're doing?
- Ow! Ow! Ow, ow, ow!
- Alan!
- All right, I've been being mysterious.
- Why?
- You don't want to know why.
- Yes, I do.
- Ow!
So you'll give me Mr Wanky
with your finger in my back door, all right!
We've finished the modules,
so I'll just put them there.
Yes.
N-Nearly finished rehearsing the play.
Just learning through our lines.
Ah! I thought I hadn't seen
much of you this afternoon.
- Do you need a doctor?
- Or will Mac do?
No, no, I'm just wearing my shoes in
for tonight.
- You are both coming, aren't you?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Will there be many vertical people there?
- I hope so.
- Then so shall we.
- Cool.
Two lab technicians and a porter?
I told you no one would come.
- Everyone's probably having fun in the pub.
- No, no, they wouldn't do that.
Oh, beer number two?
We could get some dancing going.
- It's a bit early for that.
- Have a nibble.
- Not right now.
- Just to line your stomach.
No, not right now.
- I can match you drink for drink.
- She's got spunk but can she back it up?
- Another?
- Let's do two, straight down.
- Oh, God!
- Fighting talk from the brunette.
Barman, six of your finest
morphine mind-warpers please.
This will blow your tits off.
I'm going to be sick.
It's just you and me.
If you're still standing after this,
I'll let you put my hand in your pants.
Still standing.
(phone rings )
- Yeah?
- I can see you.
- What?
- I ask the questions!
- Go on, then.
- I can see everything you're doing.
- Who are you supposed to be exactly?
- My name is irrelevant.
And you asked a question. I asked you
not to ask it. Don't, otherwise, there...
- Er, hello.
- Ah, you must be Mr Irrelevant.
What are you going to do to me
now then, mystery man?
I'm gonna push you into a car,
drive you to a secret location
- and do unspeakable things to you.
- Ooh, unspeakable things.
Yes.
Could you... could you drive? Because
I've just got the bike, and I'm not insured.
I have to do my own abduction?
God, I have to do everything!
Well, no, it'll be all right,
because it'll be very unpleasant for you.
Boycie's pulled.
- Er, cool.
- Yeah?
No shit!
Hiya.
Brace yourself, girls,
the class has arrived.
Ohh!
Oh, all right.
- Rachel.
- Well remembered.
- Have you got a dog, Rachel?
- Yeah, a Westie. Well, it's my mum's.
- Do you let it lick your face?
- Sometimes.
Yeah, I thought so. Yuck!
Oh, look!
There goes a BFB.
- What's that?
- Better from behind.
You're so sensitive!
Fashion tip. If you're getting skin wings,
bra's too tight.
- Goths are superb.
- Yeah, and the point of them is?
I love the way they pretend
they're being ugly on purpose. It's genius.
Hey, look.
It's the love child
of Wayne Sleep and Godzilla.
What are you?
The eighth dwarf, Twatty?
Even if you were from the future,
you'd still be wrong.
Do you know what I like
about this outfit? Fuck all!
Then I thought,
because I would wear the balaclava...
- That might help. Put it on.
- I'd rather save it till later.
- I've got an intolerance to wool.
- Show me.
Well, I'll do it for a bit,
but if I go blotchy...
- I can do it, I can do it.
- Yeah, yeah.
No, that might help.
I'll just get my coat.
It's going to be very bad
for you in the woods.
- Evening, Dr Statham.
- Er, erm... Yes, good evening.
- Can you do any other voices?
- Erm...
- (Indian accent) A Mexican bandit.
- I don't think so.
Erm... Er...
An American.
Oh, this is very itchy.
Well, um...
- Anyone else?
- (Indian accent) Marlon Brando.
Hi.
- Have you seen Caroline?
- No.
- I'm Karen.
- I'm Martin.
- I know.
- How do you do?
So, you and Angela...
Me and Angela.
Angela and you.
- You seem to be seeing a lot of each other.
- Oh, yes.
Funny, I wasn't really looking for
a relationship but she is irresistible, isn't she?
Well, I have managed to resist so far.
Do you know, I don't think I've ever
been out with anyone so absolutely perfect.
Although... she does dance
a bit like a wolf.
Yeah. Odd, that.
- You're a doctor, aren't you?
- Yeah.
You look just like one.
Is your wife a doctor?
Wife? No, she's not.
I mean, I don't have a wife.
Is your girlfriend a doctor?
- ( quietly ) I don't have a girlfriend.
- What?
(shouts ) I don't have a girlfriend!
Shame.
- Morning, Lesley.
- Evening, you mean.
I fell asleep.
Wrong sort of nine o'clock.
- You're funny.
- Yeah? Trick of the light.
That is fucking brilliant.
- Wah!
- Wah!
Have I, erm... ever told you
about the little pink rabbit?
Er, no.
No, I don't think you have.
The, erm, you know, little pink rabbit
that lives down a little magic rabbit hole?
I think I'd have remembered that.
Yeah.
Some people think
the little pink rabbit doesn't exist
because they haven't been able to find it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Do you think you'd be able to find it?
- I could have a guess.
I don't mind you having a stab in the dark.
Does the rabbit live
in an enchanted forest?
Yeah.
Yes, yes, it does.
Does the rabbit only pop his little head out
every once in a while?
- Yes!
- Yeah.
- Does the rabbit like a nice big carrot?
- Absolutely!
Can I say one thing?
Haven't got a clue what I'm talking about.
- Yeah, you have.
- I haven't. Have not.
- You have!
- No, have not.
Don't you worry, Mr Bunny,
we're not finished yet.
- Oh, yeah, I bought that.
- Wise choice, Martin.
Ch?teau de la Shite.
Yeah.
- Yeah...
- Nice?
Pure tramp juice.
Well, I've got my own criteria actually.
Really? Let me guess. Anything that's ?4.99,
cos ?2.99 is a bit low, a tenner's too much.
So you stand there and think, '"I really should
buy a Chablis but fuck it, it's only a party.'"
'"I can't be bothered.'"
So what you end up with is this.
I mean, vin de pays for what you get.
And what you get is shite.
- Now, am I right?
- No.
Yeah, well, I am actually, mate,
because I have exactly the same...
They're weeping.
..I have exactly the same criteria myself.
- Yeah, all right, I admit it. I did.
- Yeah!
I fucking knew it, you pleb!
It's my turn.
And if you get this one wrong,
you have to, erm... take a shower.
- Are you ready?
- All right.
OK. Kim.
On an x-ray of which organ would you find
endocarditis of the tricuspid valve?
Is it Brazil?
I'm sorry.
That's the incorrect answer.
Damn.
I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to make you wet.
There are some neurologists over there.
I think they can help you.
What's the difference between jumping on
a trampoline and jumping on a baby?
Erm...
You have to take your shoes off
to jump on a trampoline.
- Not if it's your trampoline.
- True.
Funny though, isn't it?
- Drive!
- I am.
- Keep doing so.
- Where?
- Go right here, now.
- Right.
- Did you indicate?
- (sighs ) Yes.
- Into second.
- You sound like a driving instructor now.
Shut up!
I make the rules here.
You'll be tapping the dashboard
with your clipboard.
You shut up!
I'm in charge.
- I'm getting quite itchy.
- Keep it on.
- I'm your worst nightmare.
- Yeah, you're telling me.
The degree of menace is killing me.
I'm steaming up.
Can we have the heater off?
- Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm all right.
Listen, you're a woman...
Well, a female.
If someone fancied you...
well, more than fancied you, they loved you,
and they wanted to tell you
but they weren't sure of the response,
but they did it anyway,
would you slap them?
- Maybe I'd be pleased.
- I don't think she's gonna be pleased.
- You don't know that.
- I do know that.
Because no one's ever fancied
me before, ever.
What about me?
What, has no woman
ever fancied you either?
I really like you.
Well, no offence, but I'm a bit sick
and tired of girls saying they '"like'" me.
- It's not the same as '"fancy'", is it?
- I'd sleep with you if you wanted.
Yeah, as a friend.
You're very, very attractive.
Yeah, I know,
but she doesn't think so.
She just thinks I'm nice.
Do you want to play with my Slinky?
Drink.
Stop the car now!
All right, Mr Forceful.
Time to have your mysterious way with me.
Are you telling me that Mr Frankfurter
can look inside the button?
Mm.
Ah ah ah!
Out there, in the park.
- The gates are locked.
- We can climb the fence.
We're not allowed to,
my sexy darling!
'"Allowed'"? '"Allowed'"?
What sort of a mystery kidnapper are you?
One that's loathe to contravene
the local bylaws.
- You're like a bloody local councillor now.
- Can we not have it in here?
All right, yes, get out of the car, you!
Get out!
Right! Over there!
- So have you given up on her?
- Far from it.
It's all part of the grand scheme.
Anyway, she's TDTF.
She's certainly TDTD.
Er... too drunk to dick.
Doodle. Defecate.
- Dance.
- Yeah. Watch and learn.
- Caroline, Caroline...
- Not now, Martin.
- (Alan ) Up you go.
- (Joanna ) Ohh!
- (Alan ) I could be Robert Kilroy-Silk?
- (Joanna ) No.
Fuck!
- (Alan ) What about Charlton Heston?
- (Joanna ) No.
(Alan ) Or...
No, wait, he'd be too small.
(Joanna ) Get off!
- Shit, are you going?
- Yeah, I thought I'd better.
- You don't want to... stay here?
- In the hall?
You could sleep in my bed.
You let me sleep in yours once.
And where would you sleep?
Maybe I wouldn't be doing much sleeping.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
- So, do you want to spend the night?
- Yes.
- But only when it's right.
- When would it be right?
Soon.
- It's not right now?
- No.
- Are you sure it will be all right?
- If we spend some special time together.
We just need to...
work up to it until we feel...
we're about to... explode.
- I think I might explode now.
- You have to wait.
We have to wait.
Yes.
I'm just gonna get something from my coat.
- Crack cocaine?
- No, thank you.
All right.
You are a strong, manly man.
You are a strong, manly man.
- Thanks very much.
- Boycie!
You're gonna crash here? Great, we could
have a slumber party! Talk about girls...
- Piss off, Martin!
- Kim, what are you doing here?
- Having sex.
- Good.
Well, OK, I'll go somewhere else.
We'll have that slumber party thing
another time, though?
Yeah, man.
Right, show no fear.
No fear. Grrrr!
- (knock at door)
- Yeah?
- (man ) Are you all right in there?
- Yeah, fine. Erm...
I love you.
No. (gruffly) I love you.
Bye. Bye.
Oh! Who are you?
Oh! Ah.
Thanks for coming.
Oh! You were here?
Well, thank you for coming.
Thank you, Doctor Trodd,
for inviting me to your party.
I didn't know I did, but you're here and
now you are going, so that's all that matters.
I've been sick.
Well, so have I.
And I am completely shaved.
Oh, my God.
Bye-bye, then.
I'll see you at work.
(hums tune)
- I'm partially shaved.
- (gasps )
- Are you leaving?
- Well, no. Not necessarily.
Oh, God.
So I don't have to kiss you, then.
Although I have got exams,
so perhaps I should.
- Aw, have you?
- Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, well. Night-night, then, Martin.
Thank you for coming.
Oh, sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm a little bit stupid.
It wasn't you I wanted, it was the kitten.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Maybe I could stay a bit longer and leave
again later. It's actually not that late.
(Alan ) Oh, yes! At last, here we...
Oh, the infidel is at the gates.
(Joanna ) You'll have
to knock a bit harder.
- (Alan groans )
- (Joanna ) Ohhh! Yeah, yeah.
- OK, what shall we drink to now, Martin?
- Erm...
- I know! Goats, with hooves.
- OK.
Goats with hooves.
May they always be sure-footed
and never fall from the mountain
and break their spindly legs.
Ohh!
- Could you be drunk?
- Yeah. She's had 21 shots of tequila.
- (Caroline slurs ) 22.
- Four shots of undiluted orange squash.
- I bloody love her.
- Yeah. We'd better get her to the bathroom.
Come on.
- (Joanna moans )
- (Alan ) Oh, yes.
You're gonna have to pretend
to be someone else.
Perhaps you've come to mend something.
Hello, I've come to mend
an appliance for you.
Be more specific
and use a deeper voice.
Right. Hello, I've come to fix
some problem in your fax modem.
- Let's have a feel where it...
- That's more like it.
- Ooh, there it is.
- Yeah, go on. Sort me.
Oh, yes!
Oh, no, it's OK.
It's OK, it's gone again.
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry. I'm OK now.
- Yeah?
I've only eaten Hula Hoops today.
Very good.
- You're a very attractive man, aren't you?
- Yeah, yeah, I know.
- That was nice.
- Mmm.
But I feel I should remind you
that you have just kissed a sicky mouth.
- He's not worth it, Karen.
- Yes, he is.
- No, he isn't.
- Yes, he is.
- No, he isn't.
- Yes, he is!
- He's got pink trousers on, Karen!
- I like them.
Oh, get over it.
He's not even a proper doctor.
- I've got the... the water.
- Excellent, excellent.
Come on, let's get you up.
I'm gonna leave you
in the very capable hands of Dr Martin Dear.
- OK?
- OK.
- Hope you feel better soon.
- Thank you. I feel better already.
- Thank you for coming to see me.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Yes. Erm...
Oh, sorry. Ohhh!
- Listen, shall I just carry you to your room?
- No.
I think I'd probably crush you if you did.
- Ow.
- Oh. Sorry, sorry.
- Ow.
- Oh. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
And... And... And have you taken
an extended warranty out, madam?
- A what?
- A warranty. It's worth the extra money.
- It covers even accidental damage.
- What? What?
- (Joanna shrieks )
- The five... The five...
The five... The five-year warranty.
Golly. Oh, my golly.
Oh, my golly.
Oh, a little bit left there... Mmm!
Visiontext Subtitles: Julie Clayton
- Angela, what are you doing?
Oh, my God!
Have I just seen you come?
You think I've got really nice eyes?
Yeah, well, I mean...
You know, the whole head is... is good.
But, well, it's your eyes...
They're top eyes.
Seems I score quite highly
in all-round easiness.
Though I lose a few marks
on cleanliness and mental attitude.
Gosh, I can't believe your arse
only got a four and mine got an eight.
Are you telling me you've given me
a spunk-filled locket for my birthday?
It's such a part of me
that I sometimes forget that it's quite big.
I'm stressed out about my exams.
OK, I've got you. If you stopped being
stressed, things would be a lot easier for you.
Yes!
Happy birthday...
- Mum.
- Jesus!
GREEN WING
Episode 5: Housewarming Party
- I've got bowel cancer.
- What is it, sweet?
I've told you, I've got bowel cancer.
I've got blood clots in my...
OK, well, we'd better go and have a look.
Sun-dried tomatoes.
Yeah, so thank God
I had this filthy bitch between my thighs.
She is a beast, but you've got
to become one with that beast, yeah?
You've got to control
the beast. OK?
I don't think I need it.
It was a nightmare. Everyone was panicking.
I said, '"You've got to calm down, guys.'"
Because we had to intubate nasally.
There was house red everywhere, OK?
And you would have probably fainted.
That kind of thing does not bother me at all.
- Sorry.
- No. Go on, sit on it.
I have got a bike.
It's a scooter.
- It's similar, but...
- It's a great scooter.
Yeah, cheers.
Hey.
Vroom, vroom, vroom!
(mimics acceleration )
- That's probably enough.
- Yeah.
Ah, Caroline Todd.
Still sleeping rough, I see.
Well, no, actually.
Bit of advice.
Hairdressers are alive and well, you know.
And clearly all blind!
- Where do you want the admissions lists?
- Put them in my in-tray.
What's this?
- Give it back to me. It's mine!
- Can't I look at it?
No!
Oh, it looks like a poem to me.
- Have you written a poem, Karen?
- Can I have it back, please?
'"Ode to Martin.'"
Martin who?
- Martin Dear, he's the queer.
- He is not!
'"There was a time I had not seen you
I don't know how I coped
'"Now every day I want to watch you
and help you with your moped'"
- '"Help you with your moped'"? What's that?
- Mo-ped. It's mo-ped.
- That doesn't rhyme.
- Yes, it does!
- Well, it's assonance.
- What?
A half-rhyme. Michael Caine taught
Julie Walters about it in Educating Rita.
Bollocks!
I tell you what you could do, Karen.
In the second line: coped - co-ped.
'"I know not how I co-ped.'"
No. A bit florid perhaps.
Morning, mumsie. Morning, Rachel.
Morning, Kim.
- Jesus!
- What?
Sorry, nothing.
You took me by surprise.
Kim, I need you to sort out
everyone's holiday rota at some point.
- It looks very striking, by the way.
- What does?
- Your hair.
- Yeah, what about it?
Oh, that. It always gets lighter
in the summer with the sun.
- What do you think?
- It's amazing!
I wouldn't go that far! I'm surprised
you've noticed. I don't think anyone else has.
Right.
Full attention, please, tiny tots.
As you've seen from your actual in-depth
bowel tour of an actual working hospital,
it's full of sick people who want to get better.
But a lot of them don't and they die in pain.
Any questions?
- Can we see the morgue?
- No. Anything else?
Good. Now, we are going to meet
a very competent doctor
and a close personal friend
of mine, Dr Macartney.
This way, youths.
Right, Kimmy, I'm just off
to this IT seminar. If anybody...
Oh, you all think
you're so titting funny, don't you?
Of course, you realise I'll have
to dock your wages for stationery wastage.
Hiya.
You're Highfield sixth form, yeah?
I hear you want to ask me some questions.
About medicine.
No?
Right, I'll piss off then.
- Do you cut people up?
- Er... yep.
But only if they're asleep
and if they ask me nicely.
- Do you get to sleep with nurses?
- Yep, it's in their contract.
- Are you married?
- No.
- Are you?
- No.
- She's saving herself for '"the one'".
- Shut up!
Mac, they're bringing Mrs Foyle round.
You wanted to be there.
I'll be right there. I'm just gonna
put a few people off a life in medicine.
- Hello.
- Are you a doctor?
Er, yes.
- And are you married?
- Goodness, no.
She's still looking for '"the one'".
(mouths )
Can I just say,
you're looking absolutely fantastic.
Thank you.
Look at you. You look like a cross between
Debbie Harry and Linda Evans from Dynasty.
- Oh, you flatterer.
- I used to think dyed hair was a bit trashy...
It's not dyed, actually.
It just goes lighter in the sun.
Yeah, absolutely.
We had a dog that did exactly that.
Well, there we are...
Ah, morning, Lyndon.
- (mimics ) Morning, Lyndon.
- (Joanna ) Whassup?
Whassup? What's going down?
What's the buzz?
There's a house-warming,
one of the doctors.
- Which doctor?
- Oogaga! Oogaga!
It's a witch doctor. Oogaga...
Carry on.
- It's Caroline Todd.
- Ah, the ragamuffin one.
- Are you going?
- I can't, I'm afraid.
What about you, Mr Voodoo man?
Are you invited?
I don't think so. She's not going
to invite someone of my seniority.
She'll be sticking to
the lower forms of pond life.
- And what form of pond life am I?
- I'd say you were a water boatman.
Cool.
Er, no. Not '"cool'", actually,
because a fish would probably eat you.
- Any final thoughts, Dr Todd?
- Don't get ill.
We make you all sleepy
and do terrible things.
Wise words, indeed.
- She could be your '"one'".
- OK, that's all we've got time for. Very good.
Enjoy yourselves, have good lifes.
It's been real.
Right, young people. Chippy-choppy.
Your coach awaits. Choppy-choppy!
- I love him.
- Hands off!
- Well, that's them fucked up for life.
- Yep.
- Well done.
- Thanks.
- What would you do?
- They don't ask questions like that.
They can, it's called ethics.
They can throw anything at you.
So there's a five-year-old girl in a house?
The house is on fire.
If you run in and save the girl,
the dangerous psychopath
will shoot the mother in the head.
- What are you gonna do?!
- Right, OK. Erm...
- I'll try and save both of them.
- You can't save both, that's the point!
- Right, OK. Well, I'd save the girl.
- Why?
Because she's younger. She's got
more years of human life ahead of her.
She's got an incurable disease.
She's got five years to live, tops.
- Nightmare. Erm...
- Come on! That fire's catching hold!
I'm still going for the kid,
that's what the mother would want.
- No, the mother is very selfish.
- Then she deserves to die.
- Ohh, they won't like that!
- No, she doesn't deserve to die.
- Come on, you're losing points!
- I'm... I'm going in. I'm still getting the kid.
- The mother?
- The psychopath could change his mind.
- Why would he?
- I would talk to him.
I would say, '"Hey, calm down. Don't do
anything stupid, Steven. Give me the gun.'"
- Steven?
- I'd find out his name first.
- What's his star sign? I'm joking!
- Right. '"Calm down, Steven. I'm a doctor...'"
Aaagh!
That's the girl dying horribly in the fire.
You took too long. Burnt to a crisp.
- Oh, my God. She was quite poorly, though.
- Bang!
- What's that?
- Mummy's dead. Bang!
- Steven.
- No, his name was Jason. You lose.
Work!
They don't ask questions like that.
- What if nobody comes?
- Why wouldn't they?
I haven't been here that long,
and I'm not exactly Miss Popular.
Oh, don't be silly.
Anyway, I am.
Come on, come on!
I am just saying that
my genes come from intellectuals
and yours come from
potato-digging shillelagh strummers.
Right, shillelagh is a stick.
Why would you want to strum a stick?
That's my point.
How stupid can you get?
Martin, what do you think of
when I say the word '"Switzerland'" to you?
- You've never said it before.
- I'm saying it now.
- And don't say Phil Collins lives there.
- Does he?
Shut your eyes,
think of Switzerland - what do you see?
- Nothing.
- You must see something!
- I don't have a visual memory, sorry.
- I see something.
I see a chocolate Phil Collins coming out of
a clock every hour, to tidy up his Nazi gold.
- That is a big lie. Here comes Jimmy Saville.
- I like Phil Collins.
- (as Saville) Now then, now then.
- What the hell are you lot laughing at?
- (as Saville) Now then, now then.
- What the hell are you lot laughing at?
You of all people!
At least I don't look like a girl.
- Yeah, touch?, touch?, very good.
- Absolutely.
What I mean is, I don't look like a man-girl.
Of course I look like a girl.
Only this morning, someone said
I looked like a Hollywood star.
- It was Linda Evans, actually.
- She should know.
- Linda Evans said that?
- No, she... she...
Linda Evans from Dynasty, no less, so stick
that in your orange pipe and choke on it...
Dr Lena Zavaroni.
- You were absolutely brilliant.
- I know. Will you just fuck off?!
- What are you wearing?
- It's called a white coat.
It's like the one you're wearing,
only a tiny bit whiter.
- What are you wearing tonight?
- I hadn't thought.
- I may have something new in the cupboard.
- New?
How can you just have something new
in the cupboard?
Forward planning. I often pick up the odd
outfit on my day off. I hate panic buying.
- What about you?
- Yeah, I've got plenty of odd outfits.
- (knock at door)
- (Mac) Hiya. How are you?
Hi.
- You did say 12, didn't you?
- You're right, I did, and you're bang on time.
Could you hold this chair steady?
It keeps swivelling around here.
I just need to put something up here.
- OK, I've got you.
- (groaning) OK, OK, OK.
And it's... in.
- Lovely. I, erm...
- Lovely. Right, well, thanks. Thanks for that.
Thanks, Mac.
Now, how can I help you?
I was wondering if you could sign
this application form for me?
Yeah, of course I can.
Let's have a look at those details, shall we?
- It's just at the bottom there.
- Still single, I see?
- I find that hard to believe.
- Yeah.
What?
- (whispers ) Angela.
- Hm?
- Angela.
- Hm?
- Angela!
- Hm?
I might have got a pen top
stuck in my nose.
Let's have a look.
Oh!
- Aw. How on earth did you do that?
- No, I wasn't picking!
My hand was on my head and I slipped,
and the top of my pen just...
OK, let's have a look.
(sharp intake of breath ) Ooh!
Try blowing it out.
No. Blowing it out through your nose.
No, no. You see, no....
Come along.
So, perhaps if you could just sign here?
Just at the bottom.
All righty.
Here we go.
That's great.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Very good.
There you go.
All right.
- Thank you, Dr Macartney.
- Thank you.
You know something?
You are gonna make a wonderful consultant.
That's very kind of you.
See you later.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye, now.
- Hello, girls.
- What's up with her?
- I thought we were going to A&E.
- We are, sort of.
- Is Harriet around?
- I think she's feeding the guinea pigs.
- Are my ears burning?
- Hello, Hatty.
We've got a pen top, left nostril,
slightly protruding.
- Hello, snooks.
- Hello, I'm Dr Todd. Pleased to meet you.
Look at the fairies!
There, done.
Oh! That was incredible.
Beads up noses, scraped knees
or splinters - come to me.
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
Look, I'm having a party tonight,
and you're all invited.
Back to work, back to work.
So the second stage of the scan
is the powerful pulse of radio waves
which knock the protons out of alignment.
Is that a mobile phone?
Come on!
Was what a mobile phone?
- That noise.
- I didn't hear a noise. Can you describe it?
- Yes, it was a kind of chirrup.
- Chirrup?
Yes. Like, erm, '"Chi-chi-chirrup.'"
Could it have been a chaffinch
stuck in a ventilation shaft?
No, it wasn't a chaffinch, Mr Boyce.
A chaffinch goes, '"T-t-t-t-tweet-tu.'"
- Chiffchaff?
- A chiffchaff?
I wonder what noise the onomatopoeically
named chiffchaff might make.
- A sort of chirrup noise?
- Chiffchaff.
'"Chiffchaff. Chiffchaff. Chiffchaff.
Chiffchaffchiffchaff.'"
- You're beginning to sound a bit like a tit.
- Come here. Come on. Arms up.
- I'm unarmed, I swear to God.
- Assume the position.
- Stop that!
- I can't help it. You've got masterful hands.
- No, I haven't.
A-ha!
Here we are.
I assume this is of the utmost importance
and can therefore be shared with the class.
I'm not sure that, erm...
'"Hello B-C.'"
- '"Hello Boyce.'"
- '"Hello Boyce.'"
- '"I wnt...'"
- Want.
Oh. '"You'" with a u, very clever.
- '"I want you to cm...?'"
- Come.
'"I want you to come on my tts...'"
It's quite forward.
She's a primary school teacher.
Come here.
So a primary school teacher sent you
this poorly spelt barrage of filth?
Yeah!
I haven't phoned her for a while.
What are they like in your depraved world?
You know what women are like,
hey, Rambo?
The way they get keener when you get
meaner and less available, more mysterious.
They love all that.
They'll do anything to a man
they think is mysterious.
- Enigmatic.
- Stop! (babbles )
Enough! Because of Mr Boyce's diversion,
we've run out of time for today, so, er... shoo.
Yes, shoo, shoo, shoo.
Go on.
And you, shoo.
- Something's troubling you.
- No, nothing. Honestly.
Don't lie to me, Martin.
Do not lie to me.
I am not lying!
- Is it the party?
- You know about the party?
- Is the little party bothering you?
- Yes. Yes, it is.
Ha-ha! I knew it.
You see, it wasn't that difficult, was it?
- Are you gonna go?
- Well, I haven't... yeah, haven't been invited.
Thought maybe perhaps you could possibly
maybe have a word with them, perhaps.
- I could do, yeah. That's a good idea.
- Is that, er...
What's his name?
Dr... Dr Macartney, is he going?
- I think so, yeah.
- Yep. I see, I see, I see.
You see, the thing is,
I think I need to get some clothes.
You've got no clothes? Don't worry.
Go in your white coat, you look splendid.
No, no, no, I have got clothes,
but I just haven't got anything cool.
I don't know
what kind of clothes women like.
You're gonna go in women's clothes?
Hmm, mysterious.
Hmm.
(phone rings )
Yeah?
- (Alan ) Hello, it's me.
- Yeah, what do you want?
- I'm not in your office.
- Yeah, so what about it?
Normally I would have come to see you,
but today, well...
(sniggers )
- I have better things to do.
- So?
- So...
- So piss off and do them!
Hm!
I rather think the lady
hath a fish-hook in her lip.
That's it.
Get your kit off.
Kit off!
Right, now,
if it's clothes you're after...
how about these for starters?
- OK, how's that?
- Well, it's a bit crispy here. And here.
Crispy? Creeping Jesus!
These are supposed to have been washed.
Washed? Washed?
What, it's not new?
No, it's not new! Why would I have
a box of new clothes in my office?
No. No, Martin, it's not new.
This is the dead box.
- These are the clothes of dead people?
- Name hasn't fooled you, then.
- That is disgusting!
- Don't be soft, there's nothing wrong with it.
Look. Fatal RTA, fatal RTA,
stroke victim.
I waited three days for these.
Saves me a fortune.
But if it's not good enough for you,
I'll have to take you shopping.
Oh, brilliant(!)
Well, not now, you fucking twat!
Out!
Go and dance with your midget elf friends!
- Hi.
- Hey.
If you had to kill someone out of work,
could you?
What?
Kill an unemployed person?
No, no. Outside of work,
not at the hospital.
- Hm, I don't know.
- I reckon I could, if they came at me.
- Yeah? What, hand-to-hand?
- Yeah, if they had a sword or something.
I reckon reflexes would take over.
If somebody came at me with a sword,
my reflex would be to run away.
Sometimes you're not in a running-away
mood, or maybe I've got a sword as well.
- How come you both have swords?
- Maybe we're in a sword shop.
That local sword shop down the road
on the high street?
Yeah. So we're in a sword shop
and he comes at me.
I reckon I'd be ready.
I reckon I could take him... Oh, shit!
Forgot the blower thing.
Where do I... just poke...
What if you had an important ally?
You know, someone high up
in the hospital management,
someone sophisticated
and slightly older, maybe,
who could, erm, help you,
if you get my meaning?
That would be unfair. And, like I say,
my wages really are fine, thanks.
Lyndon, Lyndon, you're forgetting,
I am Head of Human Resources.
I know exactly how much you earn.
(Joanna laughs )
You forget I'm head of the database.
I know exactly how...
slightly older you are.
(Joanna ) Gorgeous shoes.
- Watch your head.
- Sorry.
- Really interesting article.
- Yeah.
- I could kill everyone with a baseball cap.
- With one baseball cap?
No, if you get everyone together, all wearing
baseball caps, I'd happily kill them.
- With a sword?
- (Guy ) Yeah.
- Of course you could.
- What if you had to kill your own dad?
OK, she's out of here.
Thank you very much.
We're very, very lucky to have people like you
working in the caring profession.
- (insistent beeping)
- Oh, shit!
- Be OK.
- (beeping returns to normal)
Yeah, you don't fool me, sleepy.
Whoo-tah!
You like this? Look.
Hmm?
Have you got a hoodie?
Well?
I'm circumcised, actually.
- A hoodie.
- Oh, a hoodie. Hood, yes.
Well, this makes you look
like you're in a gang, so...
I know what you're thinking.
I'm not Jewish.
Take a seat.
Look, has this something
to do with Joanna Clore?
Do you want to talk about it?
If there's a problem,
I'm sure we can...
No, really, I think we...
I'm not sure that I'm with you here.
Fucking hell!
- Are you all right, Fartin?
- Don't listen to him.
I think he's quite excited about the party.
Yeah, just, er, practising my dancing.
I think my moves
are getting a little bit funky.
- Funkay.
- Funky.
- No, funkay.
- Funky.
- No, funkay.
- Funky.
- Funkay.
- Funky.
- Say it with me: funkay.
- Funky.
- Oh, for Christ's sake.
- Funky.
- No, funkay.
- Funky.
No. (clears throat)
Ready?
- Funkay. Funkay.
- Funky. Funky.
- Funkay. Funkay.
- Funky!
- Funkaaay!
- Yeah, all right.
- Funkay.
- Funky.
- Alan, what the fuck have you been up to?
- You know, things. My own... secret things.
- Yeah, why?
- Ah! Ha-ha!
Are you ever going to stop
being such an utter wanker?
I don't care what you're feeling,
but please don't damage hospital property.
- Yeah, why?
- I'm just saying this is a hospital,
not some kind of a stunt show.
- What do you think you're doing?
- Ow! Ow! Ow, ow, ow!
- Alan!
- All right, I've been being mysterious.
- Why?
- You don't want to know why.
- Yes, I do.
- Ow!
So you'll give me Mr Wanky
with your finger in my back door, all right!
We've finished the modules,
so I'll just put them there.
Yes.
N-Nearly finished rehearsing the play.
Just learning through our lines.
Ah! I thought I hadn't seen
much of you this afternoon.
- Do you need a doctor?
- Or will Mac do?
No, no, I'm just wearing my shoes in
for tonight.
- You are both coming, aren't you?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Will there be many vertical people there?
- I hope so.
- Then so shall we.
- Cool.
Two lab technicians and a porter?
I told you no one would come.
- Everyone's probably having fun in the pub.
- No, no, they wouldn't do that.
Oh, beer number two?
We could get some dancing going.
- It's a bit early for that.
- Have a nibble.
- Not right now.
- Just to line your stomach.
No, not right now.
- I can match you drink for drink.
- She's got spunk but can she back it up?
- Another?
- Let's do two, straight down.
- Oh, God!
- Fighting talk from the brunette.
Barman, six of your finest
morphine mind-warpers please.
This will blow your tits off.
I'm going to be sick.
It's just you and me.
If you're still standing after this,
I'll let you put my hand in your pants.
Still standing.
(phone rings )
- Yeah?
- I can see you.
- What?
- I ask the questions!
- Go on, then.
- I can see everything you're doing.
- Who are you supposed to be exactly?
- My name is irrelevant.
And you asked a question. I asked you
not to ask it. Don't, otherwise, there...
- Er, hello.
- Ah, you must be Mr Irrelevant.
What are you going to do to me
now then, mystery man?
I'm gonna push you into a car,
drive you to a secret location
- and do unspeakable things to you.
- Ooh, unspeakable things.
Yes.
Could you... could you drive? Because
I've just got the bike, and I'm not insured.
I have to do my own abduction?
God, I have to do everything!
Well, no, it'll be all right,
because it'll be very unpleasant for you.
Boycie's pulled.
- Er, cool.
- Yeah?
No shit!
Hiya.
Brace yourself, girls,
the class has arrived.
Ohh!
Oh, all right.
- Rachel.
- Well remembered.
- Have you got a dog, Rachel?
- Yeah, a Westie. Well, it's my mum's.
- Do you let it lick your face?
- Sometimes.
Yeah, I thought so. Yuck!
Oh, look!
There goes a BFB.
- What's that?
- Better from behind.
You're so sensitive!
Fashion tip. If you're getting skin wings,
bra's too tight.
- Goths are superb.
- Yeah, and the point of them is?
I love the way they pretend
they're being ugly on purpose. It's genius.
Hey, look.
It's the love child
of Wayne Sleep and Godzilla.
What are you?
The eighth dwarf, Twatty?
Even if you were from the future,
you'd still be wrong.
Do you know what I like
about this outfit? Fuck all!
Then I thought,
because I would wear the balaclava...
- That might help. Put it on.
- I'd rather save it till later.
- I've got an intolerance to wool.
- Show me.
Well, I'll do it for a bit,
but if I go blotchy...
- I can do it, I can do it.
- Yeah, yeah.
No, that might help.
I'll just get my coat.
It's going to be very bad
for you in the woods.
- Evening, Dr Statham.
- Er, erm... Yes, good evening.
- Can you do any other voices?
- Erm...
- (Indian accent) A Mexican bandit.
- I don't think so.
Erm... Er...
An American.
Oh, this is very itchy.
Well, um...
- Anyone else?
- (Indian accent) Marlon Brando.
Hi.
- Have you seen Caroline?
- No.
- I'm Karen.
- I'm Martin.
- I know.
- How do you do?
So, you and Angela...
Me and Angela.
Angela and you.
- You seem to be seeing a lot of each other.
- Oh, yes.
Funny, I wasn't really looking for
a relationship but she is irresistible, isn't she?
Well, I have managed to resist so far.
Do you know, I don't think I've ever
been out with anyone so absolutely perfect.
Although... she does dance
a bit like a wolf.
Yeah. Odd, that.
- You're a doctor, aren't you?
- Yeah.
You look just like one.
Is your wife a doctor?
Wife? No, she's not.
I mean, I don't have a wife.
Is your girlfriend a doctor?
- ( quietly ) I don't have a girlfriend.
- What?
(shouts ) I don't have a girlfriend!
Shame.
- Morning, Lesley.
- Evening, you mean.
I fell asleep.
Wrong sort of nine o'clock.
- You're funny.
- Yeah? Trick of the light.
That is fucking brilliant.
- Wah!
- Wah!
Have I, erm... ever told you
about the little pink rabbit?
Er, no.
No, I don't think you have.
The, erm, you know, little pink rabbit
that lives down a little magic rabbit hole?
I think I'd have remembered that.
Yeah.
Some people think
the little pink rabbit doesn't exist
because they haven't been able to find it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Do you think you'd be able to find it?
- I could have a guess.
I don't mind you having a stab in the dark.
Does the rabbit live
in an enchanted forest?
Yeah.
Yes, yes, it does.
Does the rabbit only pop his little head out
every once in a while?
- Yes!
- Yeah.
- Does the rabbit like a nice big carrot?
- Absolutely!
Can I say one thing?
Haven't got a clue what I'm talking about.
- Yeah, you have.
- I haven't. Have not.
- You have!
- No, have not.
Don't you worry, Mr Bunny,
we're not finished yet.
- Oh, yeah, I bought that.
- Wise choice, Martin.
Ch?teau de la Shite.
Yeah.
- Yeah...
- Nice?
Pure tramp juice.
Well, I've got my own criteria actually.
Really? Let me guess. Anything that's ?4.99,
cos ?2.99 is a bit low, a tenner's too much.
So you stand there and think, '"I really should
buy a Chablis but fuck it, it's only a party.'"
'"I can't be bothered.'"
So what you end up with is this.
I mean, vin de pays for what you get.
And what you get is shite.
- Now, am I right?
- No.
Yeah, well, I am actually, mate,
because I have exactly the same...
They're weeping.
..I have exactly the same criteria myself.
- Yeah, all right, I admit it. I did.
- Yeah!
I fucking knew it, you pleb!
It's my turn.
And if you get this one wrong,
you have to, erm... take a shower.
- Are you ready?
- All right.
OK. Kim.
On an x-ray of which organ would you find
endocarditis of the tricuspid valve?
Is it Brazil?
I'm sorry.
That's the incorrect answer.
Damn.
I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to make you wet.
There are some neurologists over there.
I think they can help you.
What's the difference between jumping on
a trampoline and jumping on a baby?
Erm...
You have to take your shoes off
to jump on a trampoline.
- Not if it's your trampoline.
- True.
Funny though, isn't it?
- Drive!
- I am.
- Keep doing so.
- Where?
- Go right here, now.
- Right.
- Did you indicate?
- (sighs ) Yes.
- Into second.
- You sound like a driving instructor now.
Shut up!
I make the rules here.
You'll be tapping the dashboard
with your clipboard.
You shut up!
I'm in charge.
- I'm getting quite itchy.
- Keep it on.
- I'm your worst nightmare.
- Yeah, you're telling me.
The degree of menace is killing me.
I'm steaming up.
Can we have the heater off?
- Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm all right.
Listen, you're a woman...
Well, a female.
If someone fancied you...
well, more than fancied you, they loved you,
and they wanted to tell you
but they weren't sure of the response,
but they did it anyway,
would you slap them?
- Maybe I'd be pleased.
- I don't think she's gonna be pleased.
- You don't know that.
- I do know that.
Because no one's ever fancied
me before, ever.
What about me?
What, has no woman
ever fancied you either?
I really like you.
Well, no offence, but I'm a bit sick
and tired of girls saying they '"like'" me.
- It's not the same as '"fancy'", is it?
- I'd sleep with you if you wanted.
Yeah, as a friend.
You're very, very attractive.
Yeah, I know,
but she doesn't think so.
She just thinks I'm nice.
Do you want to play with my Slinky?
Drink.
Stop the car now!
All right, Mr Forceful.
Time to have your mysterious way with me.
Are you telling me that Mr Frankfurter
can look inside the button?
Mm.
Ah ah ah!
Out there, in the park.
- The gates are locked.
- We can climb the fence.
We're not allowed to,
my sexy darling!
'"Allowed'"? '"Allowed'"?
What sort of a mystery kidnapper are you?
One that's loathe to contravene
the local bylaws.
- You're like a bloody local councillor now.
- Can we not have it in here?
All right, yes, get out of the car, you!
Get out!
Right! Over there!
- So have you given up on her?
- Far from it.
It's all part of the grand scheme.
Anyway, she's TDTF.
She's certainly TDTD.
Er... too drunk to dick.
Doodle. Defecate.
- Dance.
- Yeah. Watch and learn.
- Caroline, Caroline...
- Not now, Martin.
- (Alan ) Up you go.
- (Joanna ) Ohh!
- (Alan ) I could be Robert Kilroy-Silk?
- (Joanna ) No.
Fuck!
- (Alan ) What about Charlton Heston?
- (Joanna ) No.
(Alan ) Or...
No, wait, he'd be too small.
(Joanna ) Get off!
- Shit, are you going?
- Yeah, I thought I'd better.
- You don't want to... stay here?
- In the hall?
You could sleep in my bed.
You let me sleep in yours once.
And where would you sleep?
Maybe I wouldn't be doing much sleeping.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
- So, do you want to spend the night?
- Yes.
- But only when it's right.
- When would it be right?
Soon.
- It's not right now?
- No.
- Are you sure it will be all right?
- If we spend some special time together.
We just need to...
work up to it until we feel...
we're about to... explode.
- I think I might explode now.
- You have to wait.
We have to wait.
Yes.
I'm just gonna get something from my coat.
- Crack cocaine?
- No, thank you.
All right.
You are a strong, manly man.
You are a strong, manly man.
- Thanks very much.
- Boycie!
You're gonna crash here? Great, we could
have a slumber party! Talk about girls...
- Piss off, Martin!
- Kim, what are you doing here?
- Having sex.
- Good.
Well, OK, I'll go somewhere else.
We'll have that slumber party thing
another time, though?
Yeah, man.
Right, show no fear.
No fear. Grrrr!
- (knock at door)
- Yeah?
- (man ) Are you all right in there?
- Yeah, fine. Erm...
I love you.
No. (gruffly) I love you.
Bye. Bye.
Oh! Who are you?
Oh! Ah.
Thanks for coming.
Oh! You were here?
Well, thank you for coming.
Thank you, Doctor Trodd,
for inviting me to your party.
I didn't know I did, but you're here and
now you are going, so that's all that matters.
I've been sick.
Well, so have I.
And I am completely shaved.
Oh, my God.
Bye-bye, then.
I'll see you at work.
(hums tune)
- I'm partially shaved.
- (gasps )
- Are you leaving?
- Well, no. Not necessarily.
Oh, God.
So I don't have to kiss you, then.
Although I have got exams,
so perhaps I should.
- Aw, have you?
- Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, well. Night-night, then, Martin.
Thank you for coming.
Oh, sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm a little bit stupid.
It wasn't you I wanted, it was the kitten.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Maybe I could stay a bit longer and leave
again later. It's actually not that late.
(Alan ) Oh, yes! At last, here we...
Oh, the infidel is at the gates.
(Joanna ) You'll have
to knock a bit harder.
- (Alan groans )
- (Joanna ) Ohhh! Yeah, yeah.
- OK, what shall we drink to now, Martin?
- Erm...
- I know! Goats, with hooves.
- OK.
Goats with hooves.
May they always be sure-footed
and never fall from the mountain
and break their spindly legs.
Ohh!
- Could you be drunk?
- Yeah. She's had 21 shots of tequila.
- (Caroline slurs ) 22.
- Four shots of undiluted orange squash.
- I bloody love her.
- Yeah. We'd better get her to the bathroom.
Come on.
- (Joanna moans )
- (Alan ) Oh, yes.
You're gonna have to pretend
to be someone else.
Perhaps you've come to mend something.
Hello, I've come to mend
an appliance for you.
Be more specific
and use a deeper voice.
Right. Hello, I've come to fix
some problem in your fax modem.
- Let's have a feel where it...
- That's more like it.
- Ooh, there it is.
- Yeah, go on. Sort me.
Oh, yes!
Oh, no, it's OK.
It's OK, it's gone again.
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry. I'm OK now.
- Yeah?
I've only eaten Hula Hoops today.
Very good.
- You're a very attractive man, aren't you?
- Yeah, yeah, I know.
- That was nice.
- Mmm.
But I feel I should remind you
that you have just kissed a sicky mouth.
- He's not worth it, Karen.
- Yes, he is.
- No, he isn't.
- Yes, he is.
- No, he isn't.
- Yes, he is!
- He's got pink trousers on, Karen!
- I like them.
Oh, get over it.
He's not even a proper doctor.
- I've got the... the water.
- Excellent, excellent.
Come on, let's get you up.
I'm gonna leave you
in the very capable hands of Dr Martin Dear.
- OK?
- OK.
- Hope you feel better soon.
- Thank you. I feel better already.
- Thank you for coming to see me.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Yes. Erm...
Oh, sorry. Ohhh!
- Listen, shall I just carry you to your room?
- No.
I think I'd probably crush you if you did.
- Ow.
- Oh. Sorry, sorry.
- Ow.
- Oh. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
And... And... And have you taken
an extended warranty out, madam?
- A what?
- A warranty. It's worth the extra money.
- It covers even accidental damage.
- What? What?
- (Joanna shrieks )
- The five... The five...
The five... The five-year warranty.
Golly. Oh, my golly.
Oh, my golly.
Oh, a little bit left there... Mmm!
Visiontext Subtitles: Julie Clayton