Green Wing (2004–2007): Season 1, Episode 3 - Lodgers - full transcript
- I wasn't at your flat last night, 0K?
- 0K. And nothing happened.
No, nothing did happen.
- Fuck off!
- Right, yeah.
She's my secret lover.
(warbling moans )
Whoever gets the newest member of the team
to spend the night at their place is captain.
- Why?
- You're too late, I win!
- I spoke to Holly yesterday.
- 0h, yeah? Holly who?
The one you spent six years with.
- She's getting married.
- Really. 0w!
You're friends with Mac and Guy.
Biggest scumbag?
Guy.
House-warming gift.
I know you've had a dreadful day
and that I'm partly responsible.
I am deeply sorry.
GREEN WING
Episode 3: Lodgers
I thought I'd find myself a new place
after my wife died.
0h, I'm so sorry.
Was it sudden?
Well, I didn't notice it straight away -
you know, sex was the same.
But the dishes kept piling up.
I like a laugh, me.
Right.
Yeah, well, thinking about it,
the room is... on the tiny side
and has ridiculously low ceilings
for a tall chap like you. And quite... smelly.
0i! Wankers!
Yeah, still got the magic.
Hey.
- Hi, Lyndon.
- Hiya.
Hey, let me do that.
All right?
- Hi, Lyndon.
- Hey.
Hey, Doc.
0h... If you see a really pretty blonde girl,
about 5'7'", green eyes,
can you tell her I've gone to Radiology?
I suppose so.
What's her name?
I've no idea. She might not even exist.
But just in case.
0h, are you looking for a lodger?
Yeah. All I've had so far are loonies.
Thought I'd see if the staff here
are more normal - ten fingers, no fur...
- Why, are you interested?
- No.
I know someone who will be, though.
There: '"Desperately seeking accommodation.'"
Angela.
Yeah. She was sharing a house,
but she wants to go a bit more exclusive.
- Want me to track her down for you?
- 0h, no, no.
I'll see her later.
And she'll probably see this anyway.
Don't forget, 5'7'", green eyes.
I'll keep a lookout.
(makes robotic noises )
Wow! It's never done that for me.
- What?
- I said it's never done that for me.
- Alloy, isn't it?
- Yeah, yeah. It's a Kevlar-carbon composite.
You need the protection
if you're sitting astride
what is basically a big kid's
stupid and very dangerous toy.
I'm thinking about
getting an Adamantium helmet.
Yeah? That's the stuff the Wolverine
skeleton's made out of, isn't it?
Yep. Hardest metal in the world.
Indeed, indeed, yeah.
Sadly, of course, a fictional metal.
So that would probably reduce
its effectiveness in a crash-style scenario.
Good point. Good point.
Still the hardest metal in the world, though.
Fictional.
- (inhales )
- Too close.
You smell lovely, of beautiful garden centres.
It makes me want you right now.
0h, do shut it, Alan. Unless you've got
something useful to say, don't bother.
If you boil a kettle with vinegar,
it gets rid of the unpleasant residue.
- Nick it.
- What?
Nick the chocolate bar.
- I'll buy it for you.
- No, if you really wanted me, you'd nick it.
Come on, Alan, where's your sense of danger?
It might make me horny.
- 0h, God!
- Go on, just nick it.
Ah... That's...
- Excuse me.
- Are you talking to me?
Yeah. Could I have a word?
Could you step to one side?
No!
- Pardon?
- No, I won't!
- You want it discussed in front of everyone?
- Yes, yes, I do.
- 0K, what have you got down your trousers?
- Trousers?
A Snickers 50% bigger size.
I saw you through the two-way mirror.
Yes. Yes, you did.
- Hand it over.
- Yes, I will.
I will, yes,
because there we have it.
The... So other colleagues... putting...
for reasons best known...
And that's why we have this situation.
Ugh! It's all melted.
Yes, those were my exact words to... to them.
And therefore I accept your apology.
Goodbye.
0oh! 0oh, Men's Health?
'"Ten steps to a flatter stomach.'" No need.
'"Sex: what she wishes you knew.'"
Yes, yes, duh, obviously.
They like that... Sucking's better...
And they like it hard and rough.
'"Combat hair loss.'" (scoffs ) '"Get a harder
body in ten minutes a day.'" Got one.
'"How to click with women.'" Already can.
Clickety-click, click-click.
Do you sell cigarettes?
I need cigarettes - do you sell them?
- You do know this is a hospital?
- I know. I work here. Look, Dr Caroline Todd.
You should know better then,
shouldn't you?
Perhaps you can tell me
where I can get some?
Don't they say 70% of all ill people
are ill because they smoke?
Did I say '"lecture'"? Sorry, I meant directions
to the nearest shop. Real shop, that is.
- Caroline...
- Careful, Angela, I might bite.
Somebody might be about to die
if I don't find some cigarettes.
0h, I see.
- How's your house? Is it 0K?
- My house? Yeah, it's great.
Will you be all right
living there all by yourself?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm a big girl - figuratively.
So you're not looking for lodgers any more?
Sorry?
Boyce told me about your advert.
Yes. Yes, yes, I'm looking for lodgers.
Sorry, I misunderstood you.
Nicotine deficiency.
Dah-nah!
- Am I too late?
- No. All I've had so far is psychopaths.
0h, great. Well, I'm not a psychopath.
(manic giggle)
I'm not.
So can I come and see the room?
Well, no, the thing is,
do you smoke?
- No, I don't.
- I do. I did.
I gave up,
but my lungs are sentimental
and when I'm under pressure
they start to woo me.
Quit Line!
So can I come and see the room?
Yes, please do. Yes, please do come.
Absolutely. I won't take no for an answer.
Thanks, Caroline.
I wasn't aware that the actual act of smoking
causes lines to form around the mouth.
What, cos of the...?
Well, yeah. I mean, you do that 20 times
a day, it's going to have an effect, isn't it?
(inhales )
Bloody hell!
- You all right?
- No, I'm not.
I hate it when men say, '"I can't remember
saying that,'" or, '"I was only joking.'"
- 0r, '"I didn't mean it like that.'"
- 0r, '"You only hear what you want to hear.'"
Yeah. 0r, '"I'm actually a woman.'"
Exactly.
A man's actually said that to you?
Yep.
Harriet, did you get the contract document
sorted for the smoke unit... stroke unit?
Yeah? Great.
Stop smiling, dear.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey, Debs.
- Hi.
- Er, my domain.
- Sorry?
You are entering my territory, yeah?
I am the master of all I survey.
In here... I perform
the most delicate and intricate
operations and procedures
on the human body.
If, God forbid, something should go wrong,
somebody dies.
That's it. The end.
You've killed them.
No, but it's over.
You can't just buy another one.
Yeah? You can't just... Sorry.
You can't just swap up to a G4 megahertz
kilodrive whopper thing, whatever, 0K?
I'm at the cutting edge.
Stand aside please, information-technology
boy, somebody needs my help.
- Nurse, what have we got?
- Knee arthroscopy.
Right, tricky, yeah.
You see, it's not all about
a pretty-boy face around here.
All right, little lady,
let's get this show on the road.
0i! Back off, butcher!
- (plays sopranino recorder)
- No...
Mm...
(murmurs )
(knock at door)
Just came to get the Jarvis MRI file
for Dr Macartney?
Yes.
- I didn't know you were a recorder player.
- I have many strings to my bow... recorder.
Great. So, can I have the file?
Er, yes.
0K... Erm, I think
Mac needs it quite urgently.
Nearly there.
Ready in a minute.
- 0K. Shall I get it?
- No, it's complicated. It's one of many.
I'll... Erm...
- So, this is...
- Don't touch my sopranino!
I have it.
No, no...
0h, my God!
What the fuck is that?!
Erm...
You're probably thinking
that in some bizarre way
that my playing the recorder has caused, erm,
an expansion down below.
- I wasn't thinking that, but I am now.
- If you were, you'd be sorely mistaken.
0f course, cos most people
think of bouncing breasts.
- As I do.
- Good, good. Good.
So, does it work if anyone plays it?
No, don't put my instrument in your lips!
0h, dirty! Filthy!
- Cheerio.
- Man spittle!
You know that thing about bringing
in animals for patients to stroke?
0h, God, yeah.
Cancelled. Lack of funds.
What?! What?! Fuck!
0h...
0K, come on now, shoo.
Shoo, shoo.
Come on, shoo-fly.
Come on, kum ba yah.
You want to think a wee bit
about personal hygiene, darling.
Now come on, let's get out of here.
Aarrgh!
I want nicotine!
Then I'd like to meet a nice man and have
a sexually charged, no-speaking affair.
Guess who?
No idea. Jack Nicholson?
No.
God, you're so predictable!
- What do you mean?
- Every day you do this hand-on-arse thing.
Well, I thought you...
I thought you liked it.
It wouldn't be so bad if you changed it a bit,
if you used something other than your hand.
But, oh no, hand on arse,
hand on arse, every bloody day!
Erm, I was just...
0h, I've dropped my pen there.
No, no, that's no good. That was
my suggestion. It's got to come from you.
- Derek...
- Wednesday.
You've got to be more exciting,
a bit more, you know, spontaneous.
- I'm sure that can be arranged.
- No, no, no.
It can't be arranged, that's the point.
You've got to just do it.
- All right, but when?
- Don't ask me. It should be spontaneous.
- Right, I'll have a think.
- No, don't think.
What do you mean, don't think?
Where would we be if nobody thought?
No art, no literature,
no music, no medicine.
We'd just be in the jungle
like rutting, sweaty, dirty beasts.
Well, that's a start.
Can I just warn you both,
Mac's had some difficult news.
- 0h, really? News?
- Yeah, about Holly.
Ah, Holly, the tear-your-life-apart
baby-killer.
She's a friend of mine, and that's a bit unfair.
She just wasn't ready to start a family.
- That's what Mac calls her.
- It broke his heart splitting up with Holly.
What about her?
I'm only telling you this
so you can be supportive to Mac.
She's getting married. Also, although I haven't
found time to tell him this, she's pregnant.
- Who's pregnant?
- Holly the baby-killer.
I'm sorry, Mac. I was going to tell you
and I haven't found the moment.
I think we're out of milk,
so I'll probably steal some from the nurses.
0h, well done, Fartin!
Nice and subtle. I like your style.
- Who's she marrying?
- John James Wyard.
He's a hot consultant at St Thomas's.
I know him.
He's a really good bloke. Absolutely loaded.
- Who's loaded?
- Martin!
- Martin is?
- No.
Holly's fianc?. Loaded. John James Wyard?
Really, really decent chap.
Tall, muscular, plays rugby.
- Yeah, he sounds like a great bloke.
- 0h, yeah, he is.
Spent, you know, a year in Kenya
curing sick children, and he leads his field...
Cool. They'll probably
be very good together.
Yeah.
And obviously he's got really good genes.
That is going to be one good-looking baby.
Yeah.
Fuck you!
Well! Sense-of-humour failure there
from the quip-meister.
What?
I'm going to... get a thing from the whatsit.
0K, swab on a stick.
So, Dr Macartney,
this man that Holly is marrying...
She's only been with him since Christmas,
and yet you were with her for... six years?
Leave it. I'm serious, leave it.
Scissors.
He must be quite something.
A real man.
The kind of man a woman can imagine
spending her life with.
0K.
All that she wants is another baby
All that she wants is another baby,
yeah
Scalpel.
Have you ever seen The Terminator? It's
about this cyber-woman that gets pregnant...
0w!
Good, thank you very much.
I think we're ready to close here.
Let's close her up. Thank you very much.
I'll deal with you in a minute.
Hi, Caroline...
Joanna, it's me.
That should get you wondering.
Er, if you come down to my office
in five or six minutes,
then something entirely spontaneous
may be occurring.
Wanker.
0K, guys, can you finish him off for me?
- Yep, can you finish me off?
- Not you.
- I'll be fine.
- Thank you.
I wasn't sure at first,
but I reckon he's all right.
Who, Mac? Depends what you mean
by '"all right'", I suppose.
Well, he seems
to have his heart in the right place.
Yep, mm-hm.
0utwardly, I suppose.
- Something I should know?
- I shouldn't really say.
- What?
- Hm...
Went out with this girl Holly, she got
pregnant, he dumped her. I'll say no more.
- Is that true?
- Yeah, on my life.
I shouldn't really go into details,
and don't say I told you.
God. You never can tell.
Is there something wrong with your arm?
Ah, no, it's...
Mac stabbed me.
- Did he?
- Yeah. I'm all right.
Bastard. You never can tell.
- You can't. You're doing a great job there.
- Thanks.
What I'm trying to say is
I'm stressed out about my exams.
- 0K, I've got you.
- Yes.
And that stress is getting bigger and bigger,
snowballing into more stress.
Snowball?
Yeah, something that gets bigger
as it rolls along.
- Just leave the snowball out of it.
- 0K. I'm just saying...
- Snowball...
- It's just a vicious circle of stress,
and I want to be able to break that circle,
and I don't know how to.
Right. Well, it seems to me
you're under stress.
Yes.
If you stopped being stressed,
things would be a lot easier.
Yes.
Dr Secretan? Some post for you.
It went to department office by mistake.
- They're from abroad.
- From Switzerland, from my father.
- Gosh, is he Swiss?
- Yep. I'm half Swiss.
- What's the other half?
- English, as far as I know.
- You don't know your mother?
- No, she died when I was born.
- 0h, my God, how awful.
- Hm.
You never knew her.
How sad.
As you came into the world, she departed,
so in fact she gave her life for you.
God, that's beautiful, yet so...
Yeah. Whenever I close my eyes,
all I can see is her.
- Stop!
- Yeah, yeah...
But I sense her presence.
I feel her soft eyes and her loving face.
Apparently she used to sing to me when
she was pregnant, when I was in the womb.
What did she sing?
You know that song...
'"Where's your mother gone?
Where's your mother gone? Far, far away.'"
Last night
I heard my mother singing a song
0o-ee, chirpy-chirpy cheep-cheep
- I think it must've been before...
- Well, anyway, she loved me and she died.
And I will never know a mother's love, never.
- Stop it, it's too sad!
- It's so sad, you know.
Snow fell, a carpet of white
as they took out her young body,
leaving behind her newborn son.
I know. I know, I know. I know.
Would you like to go out with me sometime?
I could really do with a friend,
and you kind of remind me of her.
- You're young, you have all your life to lead.
- Yes. Yes.
- Thank you.
- Yes...
Nice. Must try that again
on someone with smaller teeth.
- Thanks. You've been really helpful.
- No, I haven't.
- Well, you've tried.
- No, I didn't try either.
No, we just filled a space in time really,
didn't we?
- Yeah, but that's all we can do, I suppose.
- Yeah, that's the spirit.
(both laugh )
Now fuck off.
(she continues to laugh )
Look, can I just ask,
do you get stressed-out?
0h... Thanks.
Next!
Come in.
0h.
Joanna said you had something for her.
It's this.
0n you go,
because she'll be waiting.
So, Lyndon, computers.
They're funny old things, aren't they?
Not if you speak kindly to them.
I think you have to be immensely clever
to really get to grips
with the fundamentals of the IT world.
- 0h, dear!
- Jesus!
0h, dear! I must have tripped over
your enormous Neanderthal feet.
Go away.
It could've been your great big head
with your shiny...
- 0h, dear.
- No, it's fine. No, don't worry.
- Stop now.
- Such a terrible thing...
Come on. It's all right.
You wanted to see me?
Yeah. Now, I know it's sort of against
hospital policy, but I've been thinking...
Ah, yes, thinking. This is good.
You may proceed.
- You see, I had an idea...
- (stuttering laugh )
I think you'll find me a reasonable woman.
So please, tell me this idea of yours.
Right, well, I was thinking about an indoor
smoking area for staff - if they smoke.
I know it might seem a bit retrogressive,
as policies go.
Yes, I would say it was unacceptable.
A sign of weakness.
I know we shouldn't really do it.
But I think smoking areas
would definitely make people's lives easier.
As I see it, there's only one thing for it. We
must contact Berlin without delay. Vorsprung.
Berlin? 0h, what, some sort of centralised
EU decision type thing... Hang on.
Are you talking to me like a Nazi from a film?
Erm...
Nothing could be further from the truth.
If you're talking like a Nazi from a film,
I am going to complain to someone.
I think zat zese things you are imagining.
Right, you... (hisses )
Good luck, Tommy!
- Bet you can't.
- Bet I can.
- Go on, then.
- After you.
- Promise you will too?
- Tchah!
- Not bad, Boycie, not bad.
- Cheers.
The point about public school
is it's character-forming.
Well, it certainly did form you
into a rude, arrogant, selfish bastard
with no interest in anybody but yourself.
Thanks. But it also means that I know
that '"selfish'" and '"no interest
in anyone but yourself'" mean the same thing.
Yes, yes.
But so does '"fuck off'" and ...
Piss off.
- No, no, you piss off.
- No, you piss off!
- That's very interesting.
- What is?
We are just discussing the role of the public
school in the creation of the Guy wanker.
I always think it's terribly sad, those tiny kids
being left to fend for themselves at school.
That's the point.
It teaches you to be self-reliant.
Yeah, but these tiny kids
turn up at this big Victorian building
with their little shorts and all this luggage,
and they won't see
their parents again for months.
Well, you see, no, it wasn't like that.
For a start, my school was Edwardian.
They don't know anyone,
they're not sure where to go,
they're scared of being bullied or homesick
or crying and letting the side down.
- It's just very sad.
- Sad, yeah. Very, very sad.
I don't know what you mean, because
they were the happiest days, the happiest...
I mean, what sort of a mother
could do that to her own child?
Guy's, probably.
I have to go.
- 0K, see you later.
- Yeah, see you.
I'll see you after double Latin. I think Pongo's
going to bring some tuck up to the dorm.
- (knock at door)
- Er...
Yeah...
Er, come... come in.
Hi. You paged me, having problems?
Yeah, with the computer, er... yeah.
But with my personal life, no.
This little computer's,
you know, fucked itself up,
and I'll be right up the shitter
if I don't get these notes to Surgical.
0h, make way,
stand for information-technology man.
Is he the coolest guy in the hospital?
God, someone's done a real job on this.
It looks like a two-year-old's just gone mad.
- It's going to take me some time. I'm sorry.
- 0K, no probs, big boy.
Yes...
I understand you're quite a hit
with the hospital staff.
Attractive man, big... big bits.
Joanna Clore, I think her name is -
personnel manager.
I think she probably has need of your...
your skills, does she? She's mine.
Yeah, she has been having
a few problems lately.
Had to work late a couple of nights.
She keeps losing files.
- She's mine.
- Sorry?
- She's mine... It's fine, it's just lime.
- Yeah?
Yeah, well, I'd better go and... split.
I save lives.
Right. I'll page you
when I've sorted this mess out.
She's... she's mine.
She's mine!
(mobile-phone jingle)
- (jingle stops )
- Fuck off!
(jingle starts up again )
Through fortitude and character
We'll thwart the knavish hordes!
(small sobs )
And show through our resilience
0f our destiny we are lords!
(whimpers )
(sobbing) S-s-s...
Something something something
Each and every day
For Whiteleaf School
we'll fight as one
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
What? Pleb!
Apparently, if you eat lots of pineapple
it makes your sperm taste nice.
Right. Well, I'll keep that in mind
for the future.
And pubic topiary is the new pashmina.
0h, yeah, yeah. You could have a heart done,
or your initial, or a lovely swan.
I could have a C for '"Caroline'".
0h, no, people might think
it's C for something else.
'"Crazy'" or...
0h, yes, the nasty C word.
- Yeah, wouldn't want that.
- No.
Well, I mean, you don't want
to signpost it anyway, do you?
It's pretty obvious to...
to any, you know... visitors...
there.
Well, I'd hope so.
- Mr Howell's ready in cubicle three.
- Thank fuck for that.
(sobbing)
(snivelling and gagging sounds )
Dr Secretan.
Are you 0K?
Don't touch me.
- And you're hiding in the coats because...?
- I feel safe here. It reminds me of...
Being locked up at boarding school
for tampering with your down-belows.
Yeah. No! I just wanted some space.
Could you just go away?
No. Now, what's the problem?
I'm here to help, to listen, to sooth.
- My mother's womb is no more.
- 0h, dear. Hysterectomy?
No, she died when I was very young.
I'm motherless, and my life is just a shambles
without her and it's getting worse.
- I mean, look at my eyes.
- You have very nice eyes.
- If a little on the pokey side.
- Don't be nice to me.
0h, all right, pull yourself together,
you cretinous fuckwit!
What sort of a man hides in other people's
coats, rocking and whinging to themself?
I'll tell you what sort of a man -
a self-centred, egotistical wankpot!
Now unhook yourself and stop being so weak.
Men don't cry.
They're strong hunter-gatherers.
So go hunt, go gather, go be a total cunt,
because that's what you do best!
Fuck you, you ugly bitch!
0h, that feels so much better.
Fancy a quick fiddle?
I am tempted, cos I'm all fired up.
But no, thanks, I'd rather lick my own armpit.
0h, you...
- Are you going on holiday?
- I wish!
No, I'm just staying at a mate's tonight.
Rach.
That's so much better!
0h, Dr Macartney.
Mac, Mac. Er, Dr Mac...
Can I ask your professional opinion?
Yes, it's definitely a chest.
Yeah, yeah, I know that.
Good. Be a bit of a worry
if you didn't.
Shall we have another look? I would say
it's the chest of a ten-, eleven-year-old boy.
- Fuck off! It's my chest.
- Really?
- Can you see why I thought it's a boy's?
- No.
I was just wondering if, erm,
if you could see anything wrong?
No, it looks pretty clear.
You shouldn't really use hospital equipment
for your own diagnosis,
unless you are ill, and then
you should consult another doctor.
I'm consulting you, aren't I?
I also have a very sore throat.
Do you think
it could be cancer of the oesophagus?
I... No, I don't think it is.
Well, you haven't even examined me. I mean,
don't you want to check my throat to be sure?
Yeah, 0K, fine.
Go on, open up.
Hm...
- Say '"ah'".
- Ah.
- Say '"aah'".
- Aah.
- Aaah.
- Aaah.
- No, aaaah.
- Aaaah.
- Aa-aah.
- Aa-aah.
Aarh... Aarh... Aarh...
- You're a bastard!
- You are completely fine.
You know what you want to do? Maybe
think about investing in some mouthwash.
Ha-ha, minty fresh.
(makes grunting noises )
0h, God! God, sorry!
I'm sorry.
Good, good.
No, that's good, that's excellent.
I can assure you, Miss Clore,
that your toe bone is certainly not broken.
- It's probably just strained.
- Thank you, Dr Statham.
Using the, er, the old pre-radiology
diagnostic technique
of checking for broken bones, erm, orally.
Now I'd better get on my way -
plenty more bones to suck... check!
So what's your favourite colour?
- Right now, black.
- Black. Ah, I love black.
Hi. Long day?
If you're going to try and give me
a shoulder massage, you can piss off.
- I'll have whatever's making her hostile.
- Sorry, sorry.
Yes, long day,
and it's about to get worse.
- Am I that terrible? I'll go.
- No, not you.
- I've got to interview potential lodgers.
- So I heard.
0ne of them I'll find really hard to reject.
- Why?
- A friend, sort of.
- Put them off.
- I can't.
It's easy. Go to Research Faculty,
get a nice big rat.
0h, please.
Dead rat by the toaster, bye-bye friend.
I'll sort you out.
A very thoughtful offer,
but, at the same time, also quite disgusting.
It does work, cos Guy uses it in his flat
to get rid of bunny boilers.
- Are you still here?
- Yeah, actually.
Yeah, good joke, Mart!
- I got you something.
- What is it?
What is the most valuable thing
in the whole world?
- Plutonium?
- Christ, where did you get that?!
Your privacy.
A lock?
It's bound to happen: Roger the lodger
accidentally stumbles into your room,
oh, what a surprise,
he catches you in your underwear,
and it's all, '"0h, so sorry, I seem to have got
the wrong room, haven't got my bearings yet.'"
It might be nice having a man around.
I could pretend I can't unblock a U-bend.
He could shake the spiders from my shoes.
Yeah, you see, a spider here,
a friendly word there, a nightcap,
before you know it
you're up against the kitchen units
with your tongues down each other's throats.
Who's Roger?
The thing is - and trust me here -
not all men are gentlemen, like me and Mart.
I don't want to scare you, but I'd feel terribly
guilty if I didn't try and warn you as a friend.
Well, thank you.
I do appreciate your concern.
Thanks for the lock. There isn't one
on the bathroom and it'll be really useful.
Now you take care.
I will.
See you.
That was really thoughtful, Guy.
Yeah, well, I'm not having some teenage runt
porking her before I've had my turn.
- I'll tell her you said that.
- 0ooh!
Well, it'll make a change
from '"What's your favourite colour?'"
- Coming for a drink?
- Er, probably not.
- Really?
- No. I'm going to go for a spin.
Lovely.
Do you want a ride?
Isn't that a health hazard? And you wonder
why they won't make you a consultant!
(revs engine)
I don't have much storage space here.
Do you have a lot of clothes?
Do you have any pets?
Children?
- Hello.
- (football commentary on radio )
Hi.
I'm going to see a room tonight.
Yeah, it's a really good area, and it's
very handy, so it would be stupid to ignore it.
The landlady's a bit weird.
I don't think I'll mention you just yet.
I don't want to put her off.
You know what these single saddos
can be like about couples.
So I think what I'm going to say is that,
you know, I just see you from time to time.
(exciting passage of play )
What do you think?
- (goal attempt missed)
- What do you think?
- 0h, come on!
- 0i! (turns off radio )
What are you doing?
I was listening to that.
Yes - trying to stick your ears into the radio,
even though the speakers are in the doors.
Have you got an internet connection?
Cos I like talking to internet ladies,
you know, on the internet,
with names like, er, '"Hot 4 u'" - you know,
'"Hot 4'" and then a letter '"u'". I love all that.
All right then, here's the choice.
A bit of, er, Peter up the pantry passage,
or, erm, holiday snaps of Crete, 1976?
0h, Crete.
- Sure?
- Yeah.
Doing that sort of thing, which is nice
cos you can see what they look like.
I'm an only child.
Mummy and Daddy and me!
I feel better now.
That's the taverna, and there I am,
eating some calamari and tzatziki...
- Actually, it may be taramasalata...
- 0h, is it taramasalata?
There's Cathy again,
in the Minoan palace of Knossos.
- Knossos.
- Knossos, yes.
- Knossos.
- Yes, yes, Knossos.
And you can see she's got a bit of sunburn
on the upper arms there.
- Poor Cathy's upper arms. 0h, boo-hoo.
- Just stop it!
- Stop it.
- Don't say stop it when I'm saying stop it!
No, I said stop it! You're just spoiling it!
You're just like Simon shitting Mason!
You know, '"0h, I'm so clever, I can make
everybody in the class laugh at stupid Alan.'"
Well, Simon, the picture was interesting
and some people - Colin Cann, for instance -
found it very interesting, so just shut it!
You just bloody shut it,
and if you don't, I'll, I'll...
- You'll what?
- I'll tell a man about you.
And not my dad, a big foreign uncle with big
hands, which are bigger than your fffffface!
So, Simon shitting Mason, you just shut it,
or you'll crap your pants.
And then everyone will smell your fear,
and then... You just shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Just...
I love you, Simon!
0h, hello. Sorry to call you so late.
Is Tony Phillips still there, please?
Thank you.
- Tony speaking.
- Tony, hello.
- I was just reading your article about...
- In '"Men's Health'"?
- Yeah, yeah, that one. Sorry?
- Call the helpline.
- No, I'm a doctor.
- Yeah...
- No, I really am.
- They all say that.
No, I really am a doctor.
Listen, Tony, I was just wondering,
you know, when you measure it, do you
measure it from where it joins the stomach,
or from the actual base itself, the bit that
goes down towards the general arse area?
- From the base.
- From the actual base itself.
Yeah, I thought so. Thank you...
Yes!
These floorboards are a bit loose. I don't think
the police put them down properly.
The police?
Yeah. Four bodies, I think it was. You'd
never think there was space under there.
Still, the smell's gone now, pretty much.
The '"Checkout Girl'" murders.
How exciting.
Sometimes you can hear cash registers
in the night.
We could have a seance.
- 0K, when do you want to move in?
- Tomorrow?
Hooray!
Were you trying to put me off?
Just, er, testing your commitment.
I only want someone
who really wants to be here.
Very wise.
(snores )
It looks like I myself
shall have to charm the mighty python.
0h, Princess Joanna, darling,
the snake has risen from the basket
and awaits your tender caress.
(snores )
Suzy? Babe?
(adopts Welsh accent)
0h, hello. 0h, hello, Frank.
No, no, it's Geoff.
Yeah. No, I'm an old school friend of Suzy's.
I know she did,
but I moved down when I was twelve.
From... (switches accent) ..Derbyshire.
0h, do they? Which part?
Which part? Which bit?
0h, I know I don't, but because I've got a bit
of a cold at the moment and I'm a bit sad...
About... Well, about my... hedgerows.
Yeah.
I've got to go now.
I've got to go to the Vale.
The Vale of Pewter.
Near... Derby.
0K. 0K, bye.
Think I got away with that.
Visiontext Subtitles: Michael Callaghan
- 0K. And nothing happened.
No, nothing did happen.
- Fuck off!
- Right, yeah.
She's my secret lover.
(warbling moans )
Whoever gets the newest member of the team
to spend the night at their place is captain.
- Why?
- You're too late, I win!
- I spoke to Holly yesterday.
- 0h, yeah? Holly who?
The one you spent six years with.
- She's getting married.
- Really. 0w!
You're friends with Mac and Guy.
Biggest scumbag?
Guy.
House-warming gift.
I know you've had a dreadful day
and that I'm partly responsible.
I am deeply sorry.
GREEN WING
Episode 3: Lodgers
I thought I'd find myself a new place
after my wife died.
0h, I'm so sorry.
Was it sudden?
Well, I didn't notice it straight away -
you know, sex was the same.
But the dishes kept piling up.
I like a laugh, me.
Right.
Yeah, well, thinking about it,
the room is... on the tiny side
and has ridiculously low ceilings
for a tall chap like you. And quite... smelly.
0i! Wankers!
Yeah, still got the magic.
Hey.
- Hi, Lyndon.
- Hiya.
Hey, let me do that.
All right?
- Hi, Lyndon.
- Hey.
Hey, Doc.
0h... If you see a really pretty blonde girl,
about 5'7'", green eyes,
can you tell her I've gone to Radiology?
I suppose so.
What's her name?
I've no idea. She might not even exist.
But just in case.
0h, are you looking for a lodger?
Yeah. All I've had so far are loonies.
Thought I'd see if the staff here
are more normal - ten fingers, no fur...
- Why, are you interested?
- No.
I know someone who will be, though.
There: '"Desperately seeking accommodation.'"
Angela.
Yeah. She was sharing a house,
but she wants to go a bit more exclusive.
- Want me to track her down for you?
- 0h, no, no.
I'll see her later.
And she'll probably see this anyway.
Don't forget, 5'7'", green eyes.
I'll keep a lookout.
(makes robotic noises )
Wow! It's never done that for me.
- What?
- I said it's never done that for me.
- Alloy, isn't it?
- Yeah, yeah. It's a Kevlar-carbon composite.
You need the protection
if you're sitting astride
what is basically a big kid's
stupid and very dangerous toy.
I'm thinking about
getting an Adamantium helmet.
Yeah? That's the stuff the Wolverine
skeleton's made out of, isn't it?
Yep. Hardest metal in the world.
Indeed, indeed, yeah.
Sadly, of course, a fictional metal.
So that would probably reduce
its effectiveness in a crash-style scenario.
Good point. Good point.
Still the hardest metal in the world, though.
Fictional.
- (inhales )
- Too close.
You smell lovely, of beautiful garden centres.
It makes me want you right now.
0h, do shut it, Alan. Unless you've got
something useful to say, don't bother.
If you boil a kettle with vinegar,
it gets rid of the unpleasant residue.
- Nick it.
- What?
Nick the chocolate bar.
- I'll buy it for you.
- No, if you really wanted me, you'd nick it.
Come on, Alan, where's your sense of danger?
It might make me horny.
- 0h, God!
- Go on, just nick it.
Ah... That's...
- Excuse me.
- Are you talking to me?
Yeah. Could I have a word?
Could you step to one side?
No!
- Pardon?
- No, I won't!
- You want it discussed in front of everyone?
- Yes, yes, I do.
- 0K, what have you got down your trousers?
- Trousers?
A Snickers 50% bigger size.
I saw you through the two-way mirror.
Yes. Yes, you did.
- Hand it over.
- Yes, I will.
I will, yes,
because there we have it.
The... So other colleagues... putting...
for reasons best known...
And that's why we have this situation.
Ugh! It's all melted.
Yes, those were my exact words to... to them.
And therefore I accept your apology.
Goodbye.
0oh! 0oh, Men's Health?
'"Ten steps to a flatter stomach.'" No need.
'"Sex: what she wishes you knew.'"
Yes, yes, duh, obviously.
They like that... Sucking's better...
And they like it hard and rough.
'"Combat hair loss.'" (scoffs ) '"Get a harder
body in ten minutes a day.'" Got one.
'"How to click with women.'" Already can.
Clickety-click, click-click.
Do you sell cigarettes?
I need cigarettes - do you sell them?
- You do know this is a hospital?
- I know. I work here. Look, Dr Caroline Todd.
You should know better then,
shouldn't you?
Perhaps you can tell me
where I can get some?
Don't they say 70% of all ill people
are ill because they smoke?
Did I say '"lecture'"? Sorry, I meant directions
to the nearest shop. Real shop, that is.
- Caroline...
- Careful, Angela, I might bite.
Somebody might be about to die
if I don't find some cigarettes.
0h, I see.
- How's your house? Is it 0K?
- My house? Yeah, it's great.
Will you be all right
living there all by yourself?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm a big girl - figuratively.
So you're not looking for lodgers any more?
Sorry?
Boyce told me about your advert.
Yes. Yes, yes, I'm looking for lodgers.
Sorry, I misunderstood you.
Nicotine deficiency.
Dah-nah!
- Am I too late?
- No. All I've had so far is psychopaths.
0h, great. Well, I'm not a psychopath.
(manic giggle)
I'm not.
So can I come and see the room?
Well, no, the thing is,
do you smoke?
- No, I don't.
- I do. I did.
I gave up,
but my lungs are sentimental
and when I'm under pressure
they start to woo me.
Quit Line!
So can I come and see the room?
Yes, please do. Yes, please do come.
Absolutely. I won't take no for an answer.
Thanks, Caroline.
I wasn't aware that the actual act of smoking
causes lines to form around the mouth.
What, cos of the...?
Well, yeah. I mean, you do that 20 times
a day, it's going to have an effect, isn't it?
(inhales )
Bloody hell!
- You all right?
- No, I'm not.
I hate it when men say, '"I can't remember
saying that,'" or, '"I was only joking.'"
- 0r, '"I didn't mean it like that.'"
- 0r, '"You only hear what you want to hear.'"
Yeah. 0r, '"I'm actually a woman.'"
Exactly.
A man's actually said that to you?
Yep.
Harriet, did you get the contract document
sorted for the smoke unit... stroke unit?
Yeah? Great.
Stop smiling, dear.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey, Debs.
- Hi.
- Er, my domain.
- Sorry?
You are entering my territory, yeah?
I am the master of all I survey.
In here... I perform
the most delicate and intricate
operations and procedures
on the human body.
If, God forbid, something should go wrong,
somebody dies.
That's it. The end.
You've killed them.
No, but it's over.
You can't just buy another one.
Yeah? You can't just... Sorry.
You can't just swap up to a G4 megahertz
kilodrive whopper thing, whatever, 0K?
I'm at the cutting edge.
Stand aside please, information-technology
boy, somebody needs my help.
- Nurse, what have we got?
- Knee arthroscopy.
Right, tricky, yeah.
You see, it's not all about
a pretty-boy face around here.
All right, little lady,
let's get this show on the road.
0i! Back off, butcher!
- (plays sopranino recorder)
- No...
Mm...
(murmurs )
(knock at door)
Just came to get the Jarvis MRI file
for Dr Macartney?
Yes.
- I didn't know you were a recorder player.
- I have many strings to my bow... recorder.
Great. So, can I have the file?
Er, yes.
0K... Erm, I think
Mac needs it quite urgently.
Nearly there.
Ready in a minute.
- 0K. Shall I get it?
- No, it's complicated. It's one of many.
I'll... Erm...
- So, this is...
- Don't touch my sopranino!
I have it.
No, no...
0h, my God!
What the fuck is that?!
Erm...
You're probably thinking
that in some bizarre way
that my playing the recorder has caused, erm,
an expansion down below.
- I wasn't thinking that, but I am now.
- If you were, you'd be sorely mistaken.
0f course, cos most people
think of bouncing breasts.
- As I do.
- Good, good. Good.
So, does it work if anyone plays it?
No, don't put my instrument in your lips!
0h, dirty! Filthy!
- Cheerio.
- Man spittle!
You know that thing about bringing
in animals for patients to stroke?
0h, God, yeah.
Cancelled. Lack of funds.
What?! What?! Fuck!
0h...
0K, come on now, shoo.
Shoo, shoo.
Come on, shoo-fly.
Come on, kum ba yah.
You want to think a wee bit
about personal hygiene, darling.
Now come on, let's get out of here.
Aarrgh!
I want nicotine!
Then I'd like to meet a nice man and have
a sexually charged, no-speaking affair.
Guess who?
No idea. Jack Nicholson?
No.
God, you're so predictable!
- What do you mean?
- Every day you do this hand-on-arse thing.
Well, I thought you...
I thought you liked it.
It wouldn't be so bad if you changed it a bit,
if you used something other than your hand.
But, oh no, hand on arse,
hand on arse, every bloody day!
Erm, I was just...
0h, I've dropped my pen there.
No, no, that's no good. That was
my suggestion. It's got to come from you.
- Derek...
- Wednesday.
You've got to be more exciting,
a bit more, you know, spontaneous.
- I'm sure that can be arranged.
- No, no, no.
It can't be arranged, that's the point.
You've got to just do it.
- All right, but when?
- Don't ask me. It should be spontaneous.
- Right, I'll have a think.
- No, don't think.
What do you mean, don't think?
Where would we be if nobody thought?
No art, no literature,
no music, no medicine.
We'd just be in the jungle
like rutting, sweaty, dirty beasts.
Well, that's a start.
Can I just warn you both,
Mac's had some difficult news.
- 0h, really? News?
- Yeah, about Holly.
Ah, Holly, the tear-your-life-apart
baby-killer.
She's a friend of mine, and that's a bit unfair.
She just wasn't ready to start a family.
- That's what Mac calls her.
- It broke his heart splitting up with Holly.
What about her?
I'm only telling you this
so you can be supportive to Mac.
She's getting married. Also, although I haven't
found time to tell him this, she's pregnant.
- Who's pregnant?
- Holly the baby-killer.
I'm sorry, Mac. I was going to tell you
and I haven't found the moment.
I think we're out of milk,
so I'll probably steal some from the nurses.
0h, well done, Fartin!
Nice and subtle. I like your style.
- Who's she marrying?
- John James Wyard.
He's a hot consultant at St Thomas's.
I know him.
He's a really good bloke. Absolutely loaded.
- Who's loaded?
- Martin!
- Martin is?
- No.
Holly's fianc?. Loaded. John James Wyard?
Really, really decent chap.
Tall, muscular, plays rugby.
- Yeah, he sounds like a great bloke.
- 0h, yeah, he is.
Spent, you know, a year in Kenya
curing sick children, and he leads his field...
Cool. They'll probably
be very good together.
Yeah.
And obviously he's got really good genes.
That is going to be one good-looking baby.
Yeah.
Fuck you!
Well! Sense-of-humour failure there
from the quip-meister.
What?
I'm going to... get a thing from the whatsit.
0K, swab on a stick.
So, Dr Macartney,
this man that Holly is marrying...
She's only been with him since Christmas,
and yet you were with her for... six years?
Leave it. I'm serious, leave it.
Scissors.
He must be quite something.
A real man.
The kind of man a woman can imagine
spending her life with.
0K.
All that she wants is another baby
All that she wants is another baby,
yeah
Scalpel.
Have you ever seen The Terminator? It's
about this cyber-woman that gets pregnant...
0w!
Good, thank you very much.
I think we're ready to close here.
Let's close her up. Thank you very much.
I'll deal with you in a minute.
Hi, Caroline...
Joanna, it's me.
That should get you wondering.
Er, if you come down to my office
in five or six minutes,
then something entirely spontaneous
may be occurring.
Wanker.
0K, guys, can you finish him off for me?
- Yep, can you finish me off?
- Not you.
- I'll be fine.
- Thank you.
I wasn't sure at first,
but I reckon he's all right.
Who, Mac? Depends what you mean
by '"all right'", I suppose.
Well, he seems
to have his heart in the right place.
Yep, mm-hm.
0utwardly, I suppose.
- Something I should know?
- I shouldn't really say.
- What?
- Hm...
Went out with this girl Holly, she got
pregnant, he dumped her. I'll say no more.
- Is that true?
- Yeah, on my life.
I shouldn't really go into details,
and don't say I told you.
God. You never can tell.
Is there something wrong with your arm?
Ah, no, it's...
Mac stabbed me.
- Did he?
- Yeah. I'm all right.
Bastard. You never can tell.
- You can't. You're doing a great job there.
- Thanks.
What I'm trying to say is
I'm stressed out about my exams.
- 0K, I've got you.
- Yes.
And that stress is getting bigger and bigger,
snowballing into more stress.
Snowball?
Yeah, something that gets bigger
as it rolls along.
- Just leave the snowball out of it.
- 0K. I'm just saying...
- Snowball...
- It's just a vicious circle of stress,
and I want to be able to break that circle,
and I don't know how to.
Right. Well, it seems to me
you're under stress.
Yes.
If you stopped being stressed,
things would be a lot easier.
Yes.
Dr Secretan? Some post for you.
It went to department office by mistake.
- They're from abroad.
- From Switzerland, from my father.
- Gosh, is he Swiss?
- Yep. I'm half Swiss.
- What's the other half?
- English, as far as I know.
- You don't know your mother?
- No, she died when I was born.
- 0h, my God, how awful.
- Hm.
You never knew her.
How sad.
As you came into the world, she departed,
so in fact she gave her life for you.
God, that's beautiful, yet so...
Yeah. Whenever I close my eyes,
all I can see is her.
- Stop!
- Yeah, yeah...
But I sense her presence.
I feel her soft eyes and her loving face.
Apparently she used to sing to me when
she was pregnant, when I was in the womb.
What did she sing?
You know that song...
'"Where's your mother gone?
Where's your mother gone? Far, far away.'"
Last night
I heard my mother singing a song
0o-ee, chirpy-chirpy cheep-cheep
- I think it must've been before...
- Well, anyway, she loved me and she died.
And I will never know a mother's love, never.
- Stop it, it's too sad!
- It's so sad, you know.
Snow fell, a carpet of white
as they took out her young body,
leaving behind her newborn son.
I know. I know, I know. I know.
Would you like to go out with me sometime?
I could really do with a friend,
and you kind of remind me of her.
- You're young, you have all your life to lead.
- Yes. Yes.
- Thank you.
- Yes...
Nice. Must try that again
on someone with smaller teeth.
- Thanks. You've been really helpful.
- No, I haven't.
- Well, you've tried.
- No, I didn't try either.
No, we just filled a space in time really,
didn't we?
- Yeah, but that's all we can do, I suppose.
- Yeah, that's the spirit.
(both laugh )
Now fuck off.
(she continues to laugh )
Look, can I just ask,
do you get stressed-out?
0h... Thanks.
Next!
Come in.
0h.
Joanna said you had something for her.
It's this.
0n you go,
because she'll be waiting.
So, Lyndon, computers.
They're funny old things, aren't they?
Not if you speak kindly to them.
I think you have to be immensely clever
to really get to grips
with the fundamentals of the IT world.
- 0h, dear!
- Jesus!
0h, dear! I must have tripped over
your enormous Neanderthal feet.
Go away.
It could've been your great big head
with your shiny...
- 0h, dear.
- No, it's fine. No, don't worry.
- Stop now.
- Such a terrible thing...
Come on. It's all right.
You wanted to see me?
Yeah. Now, I know it's sort of against
hospital policy, but I've been thinking...
Ah, yes, thinking. This is good.
You may proceed.
- You see, I had an idea...
- (stuttering laugh )
I think you'll find me a reasonable woman.
So please, tell me this idea of yours.
Right, well, I was thinking about an indoor
smoking area for staff - if they smoke.
I know it might seem a bit retrogressive,
as policies go.
Yes, I would say it was unacceptable.
A sign of weakness.
I know we shouldn't really do it.
But I think smoking areas
would definitely make people's lives easier.
As I see it, there's only one thing for it. We
must contact Berlin without delay. Vorsprung.
Berlin? 0h, what, some sort of centralised
EU decision type thing... Hang on.
Are you talking to me like a Nazi from a film?
Erm...
Nothing could be further from the truth.
If you're talking like a Nazi from a film,
I am going to complain to someone.
I think zat zese things you are imagining.
Right, you... (hisses )
Good luck, Tommy!
- Bet you can't.
- Bet I can.
- Go on, then.
- After you.
- Promise you will too?
- Tchah!
- Not bad, Boycie, not bad.
- Cheers.
The point about public school
is it's character-forming.
Well, it certainly did form you
into a rude, arrogant, selfish bastard
with no interest in anybody but yourself.
Thanks. But it also means that I know
that '"selfish'" and '"no interest
in anyone but yourself'" mean the same thing.
Yes, yes.
But so does '"fuck off'" and ...
Piss off.
- No, no, you piss off.
- No, you piss off!
- That's very interesting.
- What is?
We are just discussing the role of the public
school in the creation of the Guy wanker.
I always think it's terribly sad, those tiny kids
being left to fend for themselves at school.
That's the point.
It teaches you to be self-reliant.
Yeah, but these tiny kids
turn up at this big Victorian building
with their little shorts and all this luggage,
and they won't see
their parents again for months.
Well, you see, no, it wasn't like that.
For a start, my school was Edwardian.
They don't know anyone,
they're not sure where to go,
they're scared of being bullied or homesick
or crying and letting the side down.
- It's just very sad.
- Sad, yeah. Very, very sad.
I don't know what you mean, because
they were the happiest days, the happiest...
I mean, what sort of a mother
could do that to her own child?
Guy's, probably.
I have to go.
- 0K, see you later.
- Yeah, see you.
I'll see you after double Latin. I think Pongo's
going to bring some tuck up to the dorm.
- (knock at door)
- Er...
Yeah...
Er, come... come in.
Hi. You paged me, having problems?
Yeah, with the computer, er... yeah.
But with my personal life, no.
This little computer's,
you know, fucked itself up,
and I'll be right up the shitter
if I don't get these notes to Surgical.
0h, make way,
stand for information-technology man.
Is he the coolest guy in the hospital?
God, someone's done a real job on this.
It looks like a two-year-old's just gone mad.
- It's going to take me some time. I'm sorry.
- 0K, no probs, big boy.
Yes...
I understand you're quite a hit
with the hospital staff.
Attractive man, big... big bits.
Joanna Clore, I think her name is -
personnel manager.
I think she probably has need of your...
your skills, does she? She's mine.
Yeah, she has been having
a few problems lately.
Had to work late a couple of nights.
She keeps losing files.
- She's mine.
- Sorry?
- She's mine... It's fine, it's just lime.
- Yeah?
Yeah, well, I'd better go and... split.
I save lives.
Right. I'll page you
when I've sorted this mess out.
She's... she's mine.
She's mine!
(mobile-phone jingle)
- (jingle stops )
- Fuck off!
(jingle starts up again )
Through fortitude and character
We'll thwart the knavish hordes!
(small sobs )
And show through our resilience
0f our destiny we are lords!
(whimpers )
(sobbing) S-s-s...
Something something something
Each and every day
For Whiteleaf School
we'll fight as one
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
What? Pleb!
Apparently, if you eat lots of pineapple
it makes your sperm taste nice.
Right. Well, I'll keep that in mind
for the future.
And pubic topiary is the new pashmina.
0h, yeah, yeah. You could have a heart done,
or your initial, or a lovely swan.
I could have a C for '"Caroline'".
0h, no, people might think
it's C for something else.
'"Crazy'" or...
0h, yes, the nasty C word.
- Yeah, wouldn't want that.
- No.
Well, I mean, you don't want
to signpost it anyway, do you?
It's pretty obvious to...
to any, you know... visitors...
there.
Well, I'd hope so.
- Mr Howell's ready in cubicle three.
- Thank fuck for that.
(sobbing)
(snivelling and gagging sounds )
Dr Secretan.
Are you 0K?
Don't touch me.
- And you're hiding in the coats because...?
- I feel safe here. It reminds me of...
Being locked up at boarding school
for tampering with your down-belows.
Yeah. No! I just wanted some space.
Could you just go away?
No. Now, what's the problem?
I'm here to help, to listen, to sooth.
- My mother's womb is no more.
- 0h, dear. Hysterectomy?
No, she died when I was very young.
I'm motherless, and my life is just a shambles
without her and it's getting worse.
- I mean, look at my eyes.
- You have very nice eyes.
- If a little on the pokey side.
- Don't be nice to me.
0h, all right, pull yourself together,
you cretinous fuckwit!
What sort of a man hides in other people's
coats, rocking and whinging to themself?
I'll tell you what sort of a man -
a self-centred, egotistical wankpot!
Now unhook yourself and stop being so weak.
Men don't cry.
They're strong hunter-gatherers.
So go hunt, go gather, go be a total cunt,
because that's what you do best!
Fuck you, you ugly bitch!
0h, that feels so much better.
Fancy a quick fiddle?
I am tempted, cos I'm all fired up.
But no, thanks, I'd rather lick my own armpit.
0h, you...
- Are you going on holiday?
- I wish!
No, I'm just staying at a mate's tonight.
Rach.
That's so much better!
0h, Dr Macartney.
Mac, Mac. Er, Dr Mac...
Can I ask your professional opinion?
Yes, it's definitely a chest.
Yeah, yeah, I know that.
Good. Be a bit of a worry
if you didn't.
Shall we have another look? I would say
it's the chest of a ten-, eleven-year-old boy.
- Fuck off! It's my chest.
- Really?
- Can you see why I thought it's a boy's?
- No.
I was just wondering if, erm,
if you could see anything wrong?
No, it looks pretty clear.
You shouldn't really use hospital equipment
for your own diagnosis,
unless you are ill, and then
you should consult another doctor.
I'm consulting you, aren't I?
I also have a very sore throat.
Do you think
it could be cancer of the oesophagus?
I... No, I don't think it is.
Well, you haven't even examined me. I mean,
don't you want to check my throat to be sure?
Yeah, 0K, fine.
Go on, open up.
Hm...
- Say '"ah'".
- Ah.
- Say '"aah'".
- Aah.
- Aaah.
- Aaah.
- No, aaaah.
- Aaaah.
- Aa-aah.
- Aa-aah.
Aarh... Aarh... Aarh...
- You're a bastard!
- You are completely fine.
You know what you want to do? Maybe
think about investing in some mouthwash.
Ha-ha, minty fresh.
(makes grunting noises )
0h, God! God, sorry!
I'm sorry.
Good, good.
No, that's good, that's excellent.
I can assure you, Miss Clore,
that your toe bone is certainly not broken.
- It's probably just strained.
- Thank you, Dr Statham.
Using the, er, the old pre-radiology
diagnostic technique
of checking for broken bones, erm, orally.
Now I'd better get on my way -
plenty more bones to suck... check!
So what's your favourite colour?
- Right now, black.
- Black. Ah, I love black.
Hi. Long day?
If you're going to try and give me
a shoulder massage, you can piss off.
- I'll have whatever's making her hostile.
- Sorry, sorry.
Yes, long day,
and it's about to get worse.
- Am I that terrible? I'll go.
- No, not you.
- I've got to interview potential lodgers.
- So I heard.
0ne of them I'll find really hard to reject.
- Why?
- A friend, sort of.
- Put them off.
- I can't.
It's easy. Go to Research Faculty,
get a nice big rat.
0h, please.
Dead rat by the toaster, bye-bye friend.
I'll sort you out.
A very thoughtful offer,
but, at the same time, also quite disgusting.
It does work, cos Guy uses it in his flat
to get rid of bunny boilers.
- Are you still here?
- Yeah, actually.
Yeah, good joke, Mart!
- I got you something.
- What is it?
What is the most valuable thing
in the whole world?
- Plutonium?
- Christ, where did you get that?!
Your privacy.
A lock?
It's bound to happen: Roger the lodger
accidentally stumbles into your room,
oh, what a surprise,
he catches you in your underwear,
and it's all, '"0h, so sorry, I seem to have got
the wrong room, haven't got my bearings yet.'"
It might be nice having a man around.
I could pretend I can't unblock a U-bend.
He could shake the spiders from my shoes.
Yeah, you see, a spider here,
a friendly word there, a nightcap,
before you know it
you're up against the kitchen units
with your tongues down each other's throats.
Who's Roger?
The thing is - and trust me here -
not all men are gentlemen, like me and Mart.
I don't want to scare you, but I'd feel terribly
guilty if I didn't try and warn you as a friend.
Well, thank you.
I do appreciate your concern.
Thanks for the lock. There isn't one
on the bathroom and it'll be really useful.
Now you take care.
I will.
See you.
That was really thoughtful, Guy.
Yeah, well, I'm not having some teenage runt
porking her before I've had my turn.
- I'll tell her you said that.
- 0ooh!
Well, it'll make a change
from '"What's your favourite colour?'"
- Coming for a drink?
- Er, probably not.
- Really?
- No. I'm going to go for a spin.
Lovely.
Do you want a ride?
Isn't that a health hazard? And you wonder
why they won't make you a consultant!
(revs engine)
I don't have much storage space here.
Do you have a lot of clothes?
Do you have any pets?
Children?
- Hello.
- (football commentary on radio )
Hi.
I'm going to see a room tonight.
Yeah, it's a really good area, and it's
very handy, so it would be stupid to ignore it.
The landlady's a bit weird.
I don't think I'll mention you just yet.
I don't want to put her off.
You know what these single saddos
can be like about couples.
So I think what I'm going to say is that,
you know, I just see you from time to time.
(exciting passage of play )
What do you think?
- (goal attempt missed)
- What do you think?
- 0h, come on!
- 0i! (turns off radio )
What are you doing?
I was listening to that.
Yes - trying to stick your ears into the radio,
even though the speakers are in the doors.
Have you got an internet connection?
Cos I like talking to internet ladies,
you know, on the internet,
with names like, er, '"Hot 4 u'" - you know,
'"Hot 4'" and then a letter '"u'". I love all that.
All right then, here's the choice.
A bit of, er, Peter up the pantry passage,
or, erm, holiday snaps of Crete, 1976?
0h, Crete.
- Sure?
- Yeah.
Doing that sort of thing, which is nice
cos you can see what they look like.
I'm an only child.
Mummy and Daddy and me!
I feel better now.
That's the taverna, and there I am,
eating some calamari and tzatziki...
- Actually, it may be taramasalata...
- 0h, is it taramasalata?
There's Cathy again,
in the Minoan palace of Knossos.
- Knossos.
- Knossos, yes.
- Knossos.
- Yes, yes, Knossos.
And you can see she's got a bit of sunburn
on the upper arms there.
- Poor Cathy's upper arms. 0h, boo-hoo.
- Just stop it!
- Stop it.
- Don't say stop it when I'm saying stop it!
No, I said stop it! You're just spoiling it!
You're just like Simon shitting Mason!
You know, '"0h, I'm so clever, I can make
everybody in the class laugh at stupid Alan.'"
Well, Simon, the picture was interesting
and some people - Colin Cann, for instance -
found it very interesting, so just shut it!
You just bloody shut it,
and if you don't, I'll, I'll...
- You'll what?
- I'll tell a man about you.
And not my dad, a big foreign uncle with big
hands, which are bigger than your fffffface!
So, Simon shitting Mason, you just shut it,
or you'll crap your pants.
And then everyone will smell your fear,
and then... You just shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Just...
I love you, Simon!
0h, hello. Sorry to call you so late.
Is Tony Phillips still there, please?
Thank you.
- Tony speaking.
- Tony, hello.
- I was just reading your article about...
- In '"Men's Health'"?
- Yeah, yeah, that one. Sorry?
- Call the helpline.
- No, I'm a doctor.
- Yeah...
- No, I really am.
- They all say that.
No, I really am a doctor.
Listen, Tony, I was just wondering,
you know, when you measure it, do you
measure it from where it joins the stomach,
or from the actual base itself, the bit that
goes down towards the general arse area?
- From the base.
- From the actual base itself.
Yeah, I thought so. Thank you...
Yes!
These floorboards are a bit loose. I don't think
the police put them down properly.
The police?
Yeah. Four bodies, I think it was. You'd
never think there was space under there.
Still, the smell's gone now, pretty much.
The '"Checkout Girl'" murders.
How exciting.
Sometimes you can hear cash registers
in the night.
We could have a seance.
- 0K, when do you want to move in?
- Tomorrow?
Hooray!
Were you trying to put me off?
Just, er, testing your commitment.
I only want someone
who really wants to be here.
Very wise.
(snores )
It looks like I myself
shall have to charm the mighty python.
0h, Princess Joanna, darling,
the snake has risen from the basket
and awaits your tender caress.
(snores )
Suzy? Babe?
(adopts Welsh accent)
0h, hello. 0h, hello, Frank.
No, no, it's Geoff.
Yeah. No, I'm an old school friend of Suzy's.
I know she did,
but I moved down when I was twelve.
From... (switches accent) ..Derbyshire.
0h, do they? Which part?
Which part? Which bit?
0h, I know I don't, but because I've got a bit
of a cold at the moment and I'm a bit sad...
About... Well, about my... hedgerows.
Yeah.
I've got to go now.
I've got to go to the Vale.
The Vale of Pewter.
Near... Derby.
0K. 0K, bye.
Think I got away with that.
Visiontext Subtitles: Michael Callaghan