Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 6, Episode 9 - Enterprising Eb - full transcript

(bright bouncy music)

- Mr. Douglas!

Good grief!

What are you sitting there for?

You haven't got time
to read the paper.

- Eb, will you put...

- You've gotta get dressed!

We've been invited to
the Wheelers' for supper.

- Will you give me
back the paper?

- What's going on here?

- Darlene's folks have
invited us to supper.



They feel that as long as

Darlene and I are
gonna get married,

they oughta get to
know my folks better.

- Eb, we are not...

- Darlene's father
wants to look you over

and see if you can pass muster.

- If we can pass muster?

- I am sure we can, Eb.

- Oh, it's not you
I'm worried about.

It's him.

Now get dressed!

- Look, now, see here...

- Mr. Douglas, the first
meeting of the two families

is one of the most
important parts of a courtship.



If you and the
Wheelers don't hit it off,

it could be a scar
on our nuptuals

for the rest of our lives!

- A lot of people
have scarred nuptuals.

- Eb is right.

We've got to make
a good compression.

- May I have the paper, please?

- Mr. Douglas, it's important.

All I'm asking you to
do is to go over there

and act like a human
being for a couple of hours.

- I am not going!

- Mrs. Wheeler's cooking a
special dinner for the occasion!

Baked ham, candied
yams, chocolate cake.

- A baked ham?

Candied yams, huh?

Lisa, what are we
having for dinner?

- Your favorite,
onions hotcakes.

- Onions hotcakes, huh?

Eb...

Tell the Wheelers
we'll be delighted

to accept their invitation.

(Green Acres theme song)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good-bye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

(bright music)

- Lisa, did you...

What are you all dressed up for?

- For the Wheelers.

There's your dinner jacket.

- I'm not wearing
a dinner jacket!

- Don't you want to pass the
mustard with the Wheelers?

- Pass the mustard?

- Darling, it's for Eb!

- Lisa, Lisa, why should
we get mixed up in this?

We're not his parents.

- He adopted us.

He loves us as we
were his own parents.

He's proud of us.

- Why shouldn't he be?

We give him class.

- I know that deep down
inside, you really love Eb.

- Yeah, that's true, but I...

- Well, then, wear
your dinner jacket.

- Lisa, I'm willing
to go to dinner,

but I am not wearing
a dinner jacket.

- What is Mr. Wheeler
going to think of you?

- I don't care what he thinks.

We don't get along
too well, anyway.

- If you're not wearing
your dinner jacket,

I am not going.

- Fine.

- I'll put some more onions
in the hotcakes batter.

- I'll wear the dinner jacket.

- Is Mr. Douglas ready yet?

- Oliver!

- What are you made up for?

- What do you mean,
what am I made up...

- What are you trying to
do, show up Mr. Wheeler?

Wearing that monkey
suit to make him feel small?

Boy, you'd do anything
to bust up my romance.

- Eb, I...
- Unless you take that off,

I'm not going!

- Now, look...
- Oliver, take it off.

- But you wanted to...
- Take it off!

- Gladly!

(jolly music)

(doorbell ringing)

- Oh, just a moment.

Let me look you over first.

- Am I all right?

- Well, your shoes could
stand a better shine.

Let me see your nails.

- Oh, cut it out, you!

- Hi, Eb!

- Hi, Darlene!

Supper ready?

- Is that the way to
greet your best girl?

- Oh.

Is supper ready?

- Oh, boy.

- You know my folks.

- Course!

You look lovely, Mrs. Douglas.

- Thank you.

So do you.

- Won't you come in?

(light uptempo music)

- Wipe your feet.

- Dad, the Douglases are here.

- Hiya, folks, I...

- Hello there, Mr. Wheeler.

- Didn't anybody tell
you it was for dinner?

- Well, I was wearing my...

- At least your wife
has a little class!

- Look here,
Wheeler... (dog barking)

(dog barking)

- He don't like nobody
to raise their voice to me.

- I apologize for his
appearance, Mr. Wheeler.

He's very gauche.

- Eb, I don't... (dog barking)

- He don't like it when you
raise your voice to me, either.

- Mr. and Mrs. Douglas.

I'm so glad you could come.

- Hello there, Mrs. Wheeler.

It's so nice to see you.

- Lottie, I don't know why
you made me put this on.

I could've wore my
old suit like he did.

- This is not... (dog barking)

- Dirty...

- You want to sit down on
the porCh with me, Darlene?

- I'd love to, Eb.

- Hey, just a second!

Come here.

Now remember, you two.

You ain't married, you ain't
even engaged, so just talk.

No contact!

- No, sir.

- Aren't you a little
old-fashioned, Wheeler?

- What are you,
one of those pinkos?

- No, I am not.

- I understand, Mr. Wheeler.

My father was very strict, too.

He would never let me go out
on a date alone with a fellow.

- No, he always used to get a
date of his own and go along.

- Well!

- Eb is right.

You are gauche!

- Look...
- I've got to baste the ham.

- I'll help you.

- Why don't we sit down
and get comfortable?

- Thank you. (dog barking)

- Not there, dummy,
that's the dog's chair!

- Look, Wheeler...
- Over there.

(dog growling)

This collar's rubbing
me the wrong way.

You know, Douglas, it might help

if you and me get to know
each other a little better.

- Fine.

- Would you like a drink?

- Yes, I'd love one.

- We don't keep
liquor in the house.

We're teetotalers.

- Well, then why did...
- Do you drink much?

- Yes, I like a
drink before dinner.

- How 'bout after dinner?

- Once in a while.

- During dinner?

- Well...
- You drink pretty good.

Ever think of trying AA?

- I don't... (dog barking)

I don't need AA.

- That's what all
you alcoholics say.

- Mr. Wheeler, I
am not an alcoholic.

I take an occasional drink.

- How 'bout your son?

Does he drink?

- He's not my son.

- Good, then he can't inherit

your tendency
for being a boozer.

Now let's discuss some of
your other personal habits.

- I've had about
enough... (dog barking)

- Don't make no sudden moves.

- Dinner is served.

- May I escort you?

- Thank you.

- Father, call the children in.

And where is Mr. Douglas?

(dog barking) (silly music)

- That was a great meal.

Your wife's a good cook.

- Yeah.

Your wife cook?

- Uh, yeah, she cooks.

You wouldn't want to
eat it, but she cooks.

- Well, like I always say,
when you get married,

you either get a
looker or a cooker.

(uproarious laughter)

Now let's sit down.

- Yes, thank you.

- Speaking of marriage,
there's a couple of things

you and me ought to
discuss about the kids.

- Fine.

- Now, about the dowry...

You know I ain't a rich guy,

but Darlene is my daughter,

and I want to give
her everything I can.

- Well, that's understandable.

- What I've decided
is to give the kids

$500 for a wedding present.

- That's very generous of you.

- 'Course, I'll have to
put a fourth mortgage

on the farm to get it.

- You shouldn't do that.

- It's the least I can do
after all you're doing for 'em.

- What I'm doing?

- Oh, Eb told me.

Giving him 40 acres
and building him a house.

- I never...

- You're a pretty
nice guy, for a boozer!

(uproarious laughter)

- Oooh!

Eb, why did you tell Mr. Wheeler

I was giving you 40
acres and a house?

- I was just trying to
make you look good.

- I don't need any...
- Why are you limping?

- Oh, somebody
slapped me on the knee.

- Who were you bothering?

- I wasn't bothering...
(chicken barking)

- What the?

- Oh, she learned that
from Mr. Wheeler's dog.

- What's wrong with giving
me 40 acres and a house?

- Yes, what's wrong with it?

- Lisa, please.

Eb, I'll tell you
what I will do.

I'll give you two acres.

- And a house?

- Just two acres.

- Any two I want?

- Yes.

- I'll take these two, with
the house and barn on it.

- Eb, just two acres.

Now that's more than
anybody's family ever gave us.

- There we go with the
old family food again.

- Well, if two acres is the
best you'll do, I'll accept it.

I want to thank you both
for being so good to me.

- Oh, that's alright, Eb.

We love you very much.

- Golly.

I may cry.

- Look, later, we
got work to do.

- I can't work this morning.

Darlene and I are supposed
to go down to the gas station

and pick out our silver patter.

- To the gas station to...

- They are not as
lucky as we were.

Remember when we got married,

and my father gave
us all the royal silver

from the royal palace?

- Oh yeah, the royal silver.

It said US Navy on it.

- It came with a battleship
the president gave my father

when he was elected the king.

- The only battleship your
father ever had was your mother.

- Well?

These are the two acres
I picked out, Darlene.

- They're beautiful, Eb.

- Yeah, and they're all ours.

Or at least they will be, when
community property sets in.

- It's so exciting.

Where should we build the house?

- Well, I thought right here.

See, this can be the
living room right here,

with the dining room right here.

This can be the kitchen.

This can be the bedroom.

And we'll put the
nursery right here.

- Well, we won't need
a nursery right away.

- Where else would
we grow flowers?

- Oh, I thought you meant
the other kind of nursery?

- What other kind is there?

- For the children!

- Oh, have you got children?

You never told me!

- Eb, will you be serious?

- Sorry.

I get so used to playing the
court jester for Mr. Douglas

that sometimes I forget
I have a serious side.

What kind of a house
should we build?

- Eb, before we
talk about houses,

don't you think we
should set a wedding date?

- I thought we'd get married

as soon as we
get the house built.

- How long will that take?

- Not so long, once
we get the money.

- How much do you got saved?

- $538.

That includes the $500
your father's giving us.

- Eb, you mean you
only have $38 saved?

- I had 42, but I
had to spend $4 of it

for gas to get our
first silver plate setting.

- You can't build
a house for $538.

- Darlene, just leave
the financial stuff to me.

- You want me to
lend you... How much?

- $8,000.

- I'll get your checkbook.

- Oh, don't bother.

Eb, I'm not gonna
lend you $8,000.

- Then how am I gonna
get my house built?

- Yes, how is he going
to get his house built?

- Lisa, I gave him the land.

The house is his problem.

- But Mr. Douglas!

- Eb, you're not getting
married tomorrow.

Save up for it.

- Do you have any idea
how long it'd take me

to save $8,000 on
the salary you pay me?

- If Darlene is any kind
of a girl, she'll wait for you.

- 948 years?

- I'll get your checkbook.

- Lisa, will you...

Eb, you don't have to
have the whole $8,000.

You can borrow enough
for the down payment,

and get a mortgage for the rest.

- How much would
I have to borrow?

- $2,000.

- I'll get your checkbook.

- Eb, I am not lending
you the money.

If you want to get
married and have a house,

it's your responsibility.

- Well, if you're
not gonna help me,

I'll get the money
somewhere else.

- Oliver.

Why don't you want
to help the boy?

- Lisa, he's got to learn how
to stand on his own two feet.

- Oliver, Shakespeare once said,

"There is no quality in
mercy unless you strain it."

- "There's no quality in
mercy unless you strain it?"

- His exact words.

- If Shakespeare
wrote stuff like that,

no wonder he died broke.

(silly music)

You mean that Eb tried
to borrow $2,000 from you?

- Yep, I haven't got
that kind of money.

Fact, nobody in the whole
valley has that kind of money.

- He has.

- If I'd had it, I
woulda lend it to him.

- He wouldn't.

- Well, he was
very business-like.

He offered to put up collateral.

- What kind of collateral?

- His turtle, his two-and-a-half
blade Boy Scout knife,

a bag of assorted marbles,

and an autographed
picture of Ozzie and Harriet.

Yeah, sorry I couldn't
help the boy out.

I'd like to see him
get married soon.

That Darlene's a nice girl.

- Yes, she is.

- Mack Wheeler told
me the two of you

were over there for
a negotiating dinner.

- Yes.

- Told me he spent
almost the whole night

trying to talk you out
of drinking so much.

- I don't drink that much.

(cat barking)

- She learned that
from Wheeler's dog.

- How?

- Eb sure is trying hard
to borrow that money.

He hit Red Zeppo
for it and Newt Kiley.

'Course, he didn't have
no more luck with them

then he did with Ben Miller.

- Ben Miller?

He's asking everybody.

- I wonder who he'll go to next.

(whimsical music)

- So, you need $2,000.

No problem, my boy.

Oh, before I let
you have the money,

do you have any collateral?

- It says right there that
collateral's a dirty word.

- Well, my company is rated X.

- But, Mr. Haney,
I need the money!

- And you shall have it.

Oh, by the way,
according to federal law,

I am forced to disclose
my interest rates.

I charge one half of 1% per
month on the unpaid balance,

except February, which has 28.

Now, this comes
to a little more than

29 1/2% per annum
compounded intermuraly.

- How much would the
interest be on $2000?

- $2800 a year.

- $2800?

- Which we deduct from
the $2000 we lend you,

and that means you owe me $800.

May I have it, please?

- I don't have $800!

- How much do you have?

- 38.

- The exact charge for
the paperwork necessary

to excommunicate your loan.

May I have it, please?

- No, I'm not borrowing
any money from you.

I think you're a crook!

- Would you care to retract
that libeluous statement?

- No!

- In that case, shall we get
back to discussing the loan?

- I am not borrowing
any money from you.

I'll get it somewhere else.

(whimsical music)

(lighthearted music)

- Oh, hello, Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, hi, Mr. Kimball.

Hey, could you do me a favor?

Hold this rope for
me while I go up

and pull that bale
of hay to the hay loft.

- Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, before I forget,

I heard about Eb and Darlene.

Congratulations.

(whimsical music)

Say, you oughta be more careful.

- Oh, you miserable!

- Yeah, you oughta watch it,

now that you're
gonna become a father.

- Look, I...

Father?

- Or is it father-in-law?

Well, it doesn't
make any difference,

as long as you're
keeping the family up.

- Look...

- Wonderful thing
you did for Eb,

giving him those two
acres of land and $2,000.

- I didn't give him $2,000.

- You didn't?

Gee, I met him up in Picksley,

and he had a wad
of bills that thick.

Oh, it wasn't that thick.

It was, uh...

Well, it was two $1,000 bills.

- You saw them?

- Saw who?

- The two $1,000 bills.

- No, they were $1,000 bills.

There was two of them.

- Did Eb say where
he got the money?

- Where he got the money?

No, I don't believe he did.

- That's very interesting.

- It certainly is.

Eb got the $2,000.

- See, this proves he can
stand on his own two feet.

All he had to do is
use his little brain.

- I am very proud of him.

- I wonder where
he got the money.

(loud clanging)

What's that?

(whimsical music)

What's going on out here?

What's go... Hey, hey!

What's all this?

- Oliver!
- What?

- Why did you
buy all that stuff?

- I didn't buy this stuff.

Come on, what are
you doing with this?

- Here you are,
mac, three bucks.

- Three bucks?

What's this for?

- That's the dumping
charge, ain't it?

- What's a dumping charge?

- Why, it's a...

Look, get this
stuff out of here!

This is not a dump!

- Looks like one to me!

- Now, see here...

- I'll be back in an hour.

- Wait a minute,
wait a minute here.

Come back here!

Take this money!

Hey, take it!

Come back here, ya...

- Isn't this the same
kind of whiskey you drink?

- Lisa, I got enough
trouble without you...

(bell ringing)

Hey, hold it, hold it!

Hold it!

I'll get this... Hey!

What do ya think you're doing?

- Dumping this junk.

- This isn't a dump!

- Sure looks like one to me.

- I'm not interested
in what you think!

I want you to get
this thing... Hey!

Hey, hold it!

Hey, stop that!

(dump operating)

(junk clanging)

Outta here!

Maniac!

- Shoot, shoot.

They certainly sell a lot
of that whiskey you drink.

- I don't drink...

- Here's your three
bucks, Dooley.

- My name isn't Dooley.

- Sign at the gate
says Dooley's Dump.

- My name is Douglas!

- Oh, you work for Dooley.

- No, I...

Look, I want you to put all
that stuff back in the truck...

- I'll be back in an hour.

- You'd better be
back! (junk crashing)

- Oliver.

Oliver, when did you
start working for Dooley?

- I don't work for...
- Holy Toledo!

What happened here?

- Two trucks came up
and dumped all this junk.

- They weren't
supposed to dump it here.

They were supposed to
dump on my two acres.

I sold them to
Mr. Dooley for $2,000.

- Isn't Dooley the fellow
you're working for?

- Lisa, I...

What did you sell
your two acres for?

- He told you, for $2,000!

- Will you go hunt
for whiskey bottles?

- There aren't anymore!

- Now I've got the down
payment for my house!

- Eb, has it occurred to you,

now that you've sold the land,

you don't have a place
to build your house?

- That's no problem.

You'll give me two
more acres, won't you?

- I'll give you...
- I was wrong.

There is another one.

- You go back to Dooley
and give him his money back!

- But...
- Give him his money back!

- But...
- And get rid of this junk!

- But I...
- Now!

(jolly downtempo music)

- I don't know why you made Eb

give the money
back to Mr. Dooley.

You did very well in
the dump business.

You made $6, which
is more than you made

on the farm in a whole month.

- I didn't give Eb
the land to sell.

I gave it to him to build on.

- Where is he going to
get the money to build with?

- That's his problem.

(horn honking)

Who's that?

(whimsical music) (horn honking)

Yes, what can I do for ya?

- Where should I park this?

- What?

- Well, this is the Green
Acres Trailer Camp, isn't it?

- Formerly Dooley's Dump.

- Lisa...
- Here's your $5, mack.

We're just staying one night.

- This is better than
the dump business!

- This isn't a trailer camp.

- Well, the sign
down by the road

said Green Acres Trailer Camp.

- I don't care what it says.

Here's your money.

- I'll take that.

Follow me, sir.

- Eb!

What did I tell you?

- Not to sell the land.

You didn't say
anything about renting it.

Right this way, sir!

(whimsical music)

- Oliver.

Why don't we go to bed?

- No no, not until Eb
takes that sign down.

I don't want any more
trailers pulling in here tonight.

- You must admit,
he has initiation.

- Initiative.

- You know, he reminds me of you

when we wanted to get married,

and you were trying to
make money as a laywer,

and you threw your first case.

- I didn't throw it.

I lost it.

- The judge said
that the only way

to lose that case
was to throw it.

- Lisa...
- I took the sign down.

You can go to bed now.

- Good, and I don't want
any more of your shenanigans.

Good night.

- Good night, Eb.

- Good night.

(languid music)

- Now we can go to bed, hmm?

- Excuse me.

Where's the bathroom?

- In there.

- Thank you.

- Who's that?

Eb!

Eb?

Eb!

- What are you calling him for?

- Because I...
- Yes, sir?

- Eb, who's in our bedroom?

- Oh, I guess I forgot
to tell you about them.

- Them?!

- Yes, sir.

You see, when I was
taking down the sign,

this young couple drove up,

and they said they
had just gotten married

and didn't have any place
to spend their honeymoon,

and, well, I rented
them your room.

- Isn't that nice?

- What do you mean you...

- Oh, here's your half
of the $10 they gave me.

- I don't want it!

He...
- Thank you very much.

Good night.

- Darling, wait a moment.

I have a present for you.

There you are.

- Thank you!
- You're welcome.

- I'm gonna tell all my friends

to spend their honeymoon here.

A beautiful bedroom,
three meals a day,

and a bottle of
champagne for only $20.

- $20?

- Good night.

- Night!

- Eb?

- Okay, I'll give you the
other five in the morning.

Good night!

- Wait a minute.

Where are we supposed to sleep?

- We can sleep in the barn.

- Sure, if you don't
mind all the horses.

- Horses?

- Oh, I guess I forgot
to tell you about that.

I'm boarding six horses for
three weeks at $2 a week.

- Eb!

- You'll get your cut.

Good night!

- Eb, come back!

(cork popping)

- Shh!

You're disturbing
the honeymooners.

- I don't...

Lisa, where will we go to sleep?

- How about the
backseat of the car?

- The backseat?

- I have the other
bottle of champagne.

(whimsical music)

(Green Acres theme song)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.