Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 6, Episode 8 - Apple-Picking Time - full transcript
Oliver's apple crop actually turns out well, but there are no pickers to be found. His idea if for the farmers to take turns picking each others' crops, but they're all injured by the time they get to his. Lisa makes matters worse by deciding she wants to drive and slams their vehicle into a sheriff's car.
(soft music)
- So, this is the
steering wheel.
It's used to steer the car.
You got that?
Steering wheel.
- Steering wheel.
- Yes, yes.
- What is that button?
- Oh, that's the
vindshield viper.
- I don't make
fun of your accent.
Why do you make fun of mine?
- I don't have an accent.
- You do in Hungary.
- Do you want to
learn how to drive?
- Yes.
Now, what is that thing?
- Oh, that's the horn.
(beeps horn)
- You blow a pretty good horn.
Now, what are those
things down there?
- Oh, this is the gas
pedal, that's the brake,
and here's the
automatic transmission.
- Grass pedal, the rake, and
the automatic transgression.
- No no, no no.
Gas, brake,
automatic transmission.
- What did I say?
- Who knows?
Look, Lisa...
- Mr. Douglas, I got something
very important to tell you.
There's a man...
- Later Eb, I'm taking
a driving lesson.
- What man?
- He's from the
wholesale house and he's
out in the apple orchard
and he wants to talk to you.
- Oh, that must be Mr. Collins.
He said he'd be here today.
- What about my driving lesson?
- Oh, this is important.
Mr. Collins wants
to talk to me about
buying my apple crop.
- Well, what do I do
in the meanwhile?
- Here.
Practice putting on your
lipstick in the rear view mirror.
(scoffs)
(upbeat music)
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye city life
♪ Green Acres, we are there
(upbeat music)
- Very good looking
fruit, Mr. Douglas.
- Thank you, Mr. Collins.
(horn beeping)
- You know, I almost didn't
come by your place this year.
- Why not?
- Well, I've been coming
by here for four years
to look at your apples and it's
always been a waste of time.
- Well...
- But I guess you had
to get lucky sometimes.
- No, it's not luck.
(horn beeping)
You see, I've done a lot of
things differently this year.
I pruned...
- Well, whatever.
My firm will take your
entire crop, 2.25 a bushel.
- Oh hey, well that's a deal.
(laughs)
- Can you deliver
them in two weeks?
- Oh, that shouldn't
be any problem.
We'll start picking
next week and...
(horn beeping)
- Mr. Douglas, is
somebody honking for you?
- Oh no, that's my wife.
She's practicing horn blowing.
- What?
- I'm teaching her how to drive.
- You have my deepest sympathy.
(upbeat music)
(purring)
- [Oliver] Lisa, guess
what happened?
(beeps horn)
- How does that sound?
- Fine.
- That was right handed.
- You know what
Mr. Collins... (beeps horn)
- That was left handed.
- Will you stop
blowing the horn?
Don't you want to
hear what happened?
Mr. Collins bought
my whole apple crop.
- Your whole crop?
Holy Toledo,
we're rich, rich, rich.
- Eb...
- Now you can get me
all the things I never had.
A Mary Poppins pencil
box, Rudy Vallee records,
stripe thermal underwear,
a trip to Europe.
- Eb, I'm not
getting you anything.
- Fine thing.
That's the thanks I get
for all my years of loyalty.
You're rich, rich, rich.
I get nothing, nothing, nothing.
- Right, right, right.
Now get back to work.
Lisa, this is the
first break I've had
since I bought the farm.
- Well, you had to
get lucky sometime.
- Wasn't luck, hard work.
- I know.
I'm proud of the way
you kept your nose
to the rhinestone.
- The rhinestone?
Yeah look, please
get out of the car.
I've got to get into
Drucker's and buy some
bushel baskets for the pickings.
- What about my driving lessons?
- Later.
- Always later.
- Lisa, why don't
you go into the house
and study the
motor vehicle code?
- That's a dull way to
spend the afternoon.
- I'll be back
in a little while.
- That isn't going to
make things any brighter.
(upbeat music)
- Mr. Haney, I'm in a hurry.
- Oh, don't let me stop you.
- Would you mind
moving your truck?
- Oh, are you going
in that direction?
- Yes, I'm going
in that direction.
I have to go to Drucker's
and buy some bu...
- What kind of bu
are you interested in?
- Oh no you don't.
I'm not telling you what I need.
- I thought you went
into Drucker's to buy
your bushel baskets.
- Oh, you...
- Thanks Eb, you're entitled
to the usual commission.
- There won't be any
commission because
I'm not buying them from you.
- You will when I
show you my line of
superior merchandise.
(upbeat music)
Now, just take a look at these.
These baskets are
made out of strips of
genuine birch bark,
which have been reclaimed
from old Indian canoes.
As part of a conservation
program instituted
by the Cherokee nation.
- Of all the...
- It's their way of saying
thank you to General Custard
for being such a good loser.
- That's the load...
- Now with these baskets,
you can double your yield.
For every bushel
of apples you pick,
you can fill two
of these baskets.
- How can you do that?
- They have false bottoms.
You see, these were
originally made for
smuggling marijuana
in from Tijuana.
- Tijua...
- Unfortunately, the smuggler
made a slight mistake.
He put the tomatoes
under the false bottom
and the marijuana on top.
But I'm sure you wouldn't
make a mistake like that.
- The only mistake
I could make is to
buy those baskets from you.
- I have a complete
line of picking supplies.
Would you be interested
in some mahogany
pleated picking ladders?
- Nothing, just move your truck.
- How about a large
button for your lapel,
saying I'm rich, rich, rich?
- All right, Mr. Haney.
Now you move that out of here.
(upbeat music)
(horn beeping)
Lisa...
- I'm ready for my lesson.
- [Oliver] Oh, not now.
- You said when you
come back from Drucker's.
- I haven't been
to Drucker's yet.
- Have you got
anything to prove it?
- Out.
- Believe me, this
is the last time I ever
live with a married man.
(upbeat music)
- About 250 bushel baskets, Sam.
- You must have a
lot of apples, Fred.
- Best crop in years.
- Anything else?
- Nope.
(snorting)
You don't need no
jellybeans, Arnold.
(snorting)
Well, you know they
always give you heartburn.
(snorting)
- I didn't know
pigs got heartburn.
- Well, Arnold will do
anything to be one of the crowd.
- Well, if you don't
need anything else...
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Oh morning, Mr. Douglas.
(snorting)
- What does he want?
- He wants to know if you'll
buy him some jellybeans.
- Why should I buy
him any jellybeans?
(snorting)
- He says because
you're rich, rich, rich.
- I hear you sold your
apple crop, Mr. Douglas.
- Yes, I did.
- Beginner's luck.
- It's not beginner's...
(snorting)
I am not buying.
Tell him I am not buying
him any jellybeans.
- That ain't what he asked you.
He wants to know what
you take for heartburn.
- Mr. Drucker, I'd like to
order some bushel baskets.
- How many?
- Well, I've got over 100 trees.
- Give him about eight.
- What do you mean, eight?
- I hear you're giving Mrs.
Douglas driving lessons.
- Yeah, about the baskets now...
- You know, I always
think it's a mistake
for a husband to
teach his wife to drive.
Breaks up a lot of marriages.
- Well, if I'd have
known that, I'd ought to
taught Doris how to drive.
- Who did teach her?
- Arnold did.
(snorting)
- How could he?
- Well, simple.
You see, my car's got
an automatic transmission.
- Oh, for the love of...
- How many baskets did
you want, Mr. Douglas?
- Well, I think I
should have about 100
and if I need more,
I'll come by later.
- Oh by the way, have you
arranged for your pickers yet?
- No, who do I see about that?
- Hank Kimball.
(soft music)
- Mr. Kimball.
Mr. Kimball?
- Oh, excuse me.
I didn't know this
was your office.
(soft music)
- [Oliver] Mr. Kimball?
- Yes?
- How did you get in here?
- [Hank] Through
the secret entrance.
I came through the bottom
drawer of the file cabinet.
- I'd like to see you do that.
- Then it wouldn't be a secret.
- Oh.
Look, Mr. Kimball, I
need some apple pickers.
- What for?
- To pick apples.
- Oh, those kind
of apple pickers.
Thought you meant the kind that,
well, guess that's
the only kind there is.
How many pickers will you need?
- Well, you've seen my orchard.
- Oh yes, you'd need
about half a picker.
- I'll need about 20.
- Well, let me
make a note of that.
Do you have a pencil?
- Yes.
- Then you make a note of it.
Now, what kind of apple
pickers do you need?
Wine sack pickers, Macintosh
pickers, or Pippin pickers?
- Are you trying
to tell me there are
different pickers for
different kinds of apples?
- Oh yes, we're living in
an age of specialization.
I mean, no longer do
you take your dirigible
into an automobile
mechanic to have it repaired.
You take it to a
dirigible mechanic.
- Fine, I'll remember that.
Now, will you please help me?
- Well, of course.
What seems to be
wrong with your dirigible?
- Mr. Kimball,
the apple pickers.
- Oh, well I keep a file of
apple pickers right here.
Now, let's see.
Well, I can get you Peter Piper.
No, Peter Piper's busy
picking pickled peppers.
- I'm gonna...
- Hey, how about Sally Simpson?
No, Sally Simpson's selling
seashells by the seashore.
- I don't care what Shally
Shimpson's shelling.
- Sally Simpson's selling.
- Mr. Kimball, just get
me 20 apple pickers
for next Wednesday.
The door is locked.
- Oh.
Well, I guess you have
to use the bottom drawer
of the file cabinet.
(upbeat music)
(horn beeping)
- [Lisa] I'm ready
for my lesson.
- Lisa, not now.
- Well, you promised.
- Look, I just came
back for my check book.
I've got to go up to
Pixley and arrange
for a truck to
bring my apples in.
- I'll drive you there.
- No.
- Can I go with you
and watch you drive?
- Fine.
- [Lisa] What's that?
- [Oliver] That's
the turn indicator.
- What do you use that for?
- If you want to make a
right hand turn, you push it up.
If you want to make a left
hand turn, you pull it down.
- And the car turns by itself?
- No, you turn it.
- I thought it was against
the law to do a U-turn.
- Will you please...
- What's that button?
- That's to put the top up.
- Up where?
- Up.
Will you move over and be quiet?
(upbeat music)
- Why do you keep
your foot on that thing?
- Oh, that's the grass pedal.
The gas pedal.
- What does that do?
- That's how you control
the speed of the car
with the pressure of your foot.
- Oh.
How much pressure do
you keep on your foot?
- 28 pounds in the left
foot and 39 in the right foot.
- Oh.
What's that thing for?
- Lisa, will you
please be quiet?
- Yes, sir.
Do you know you
have a nervous twitch?
- Well, I didn't have it
when we started out.
- Your windshield is dirty.
- Yes, I know.
- Do you want me
to clean it for you?
- No.
I'll tell you what
I want you to do.
- Oliver, I can't learn to
drive sitting back here.
- Would you like me
to put you in the trunk?
- You wouldn't do that.
- Don't tempt me.
- You're twitching again.
- Lisa, if you don't...
- If you would just
let me drive a little.
- If I were to let you,
would you be quiet?
- Yes, sir.
(upbeat music)
- All right, Lisa, now this
looks like a safe place.
There's no traffic.
I'm gonna let you drive
for a few hundred feet.
You know how to start the car?
- Yes.
- All right.
What do you do first?
- I fasten on my seatbelt.
- Mmhmm, and then what?
- I turn the key.
- Mmhmm.
Yeah, that's the stuff.
- Now what?
- Soon as I get
in, I'll show you.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, look out... (loud clatter)
Sheriff's car.
(soft music)
- Must have been
doing 90 miles an hour
when she plowed into me.
- 90 miles an hour
from a standing start?
- You were drag racing?
That's against the law, son.
- I wasn't...
- Don't interrupt me, boy.
May I see your license, ma'am?
- What do I need a license for?
I don't know how to drive.
- You don't know how?
- She was just learning.
- Don't sass the deputy, son.
May I see your
learner's permit, ma'am?
- What does it look like?
- It's a little
white card with...
- Well, I don't
have one of those.
- Lady, don't you all
know it's against the law
to operate a motor vehicle
without a learner's permit
or a license?
- Is that true?
- What are you asking him for?
- He ought to know
more about it than you do.
He's a lawyer.
- Oh, one of them radicals.
Let me see your license, boy.
- There you are.
- This is expired.
- Expired?
- That means it's
no good anymore.
- I know what it means.
- Then why were
you driving with it?
- Lisa.
- You always have
that twitch, boy?
- I don't...
Look, Sheriff, I wasn't aware
that my license wasn't valid.
It's an honest mistake.
I'll get a new
license in Pixley.
- How you gonna
get to Pixley, boy?
- Drive.
- Without a license?
- Well, how can I get
to Pixley to get a license
if I can't drive to
Pixley to get it?
- I suggest y'all get somebody
to do your driving for you.
(beeps horn)
- Hi, everybody.
Well, not everybody.
- Hear what happened
to Mr. Douglas?
They took away his license
for backing into a police car.
- They didn't.
Go to work.
- Yes, sir.
- No no, not you, Eb.
What about my apple pickers?
- Oh, that's what I come
over here to talk to you about.
Say, do you always
have that twitch?
- I don't have a twitch.
- You don't have any
apple pickers either.
- What?
- He said you don't have
any apple pickers either.
- Why not?
- Because there
aren't any around.
- Well, where are they?
- Where are who?
- The apple pickers.
- There aren't any around.
- What happened to them?
- Oh, they all flew
south for the winter.
No, that was the
sparrows that flew south.
The apple pickers went west.
No, that was Horace Greeley.
- Mr. Kimball...
- Oh, I know.
The apple pickers went
north to pick strawberries.
They get more money.
- Who is going to
pick the apples?
- Who is going to give
me driving lessons?
- Lisa please, if I don't
get those apples picked
and deliver them to Collins,
I'll lose the whole deal.
And every one of you
fellas will lose your deal, too.
- Well, what can we do about it?
- Well, there must be
apple pickers somewhere.
- There are.
- Where?
- Up north, picking
strawberries.
- Oh, you...
- That's what Mr. Kimball said.
- I guess that's the
end of our apple crop.
- Wait a second.
That's no attitude, what
kind of a farmer are you?
- A beaten one.
- Look.
In the old days, farmers
helped one another.
If a man's barn burned
down, his neighbors helped
him build a new one.
- Well good, I could
use a new barn.
- I'm not talking about barns.
I'm talking about apples.
- Why would they want
to build a new apple?
- What I meant was
that we're all in trouble.
And we can help each other.
You fellas come over to my
place, help me pick my apples,
then we'll all go
over to Fred's place,
help him pick his apples.
- Just a second.
Why should we go
over to your place first?
- I don't care whose
place we go to first.
- Fine, then you all come
over to my place first.
(scattered chatter)
- Hold it, hold it fellers.
There's a simple
way to settle all this.
Why don't we just put
everybody's name in a hat
and draw them out and that
will settle the picking order?
- All right fine,
here, use my hat.
- Why should we use your hat?
- Oh, for the...
- It don't make no
difference whose hat we use.
Now, just write out your
names and give them to me.
(soft music)
- Why can't you give me
a driving lesson today?
- I told you.
We're starting to pick
apples at Ben Miller's today.
- Why are they starting there?
- Because they picked
his name out of the hat first.
- What's a hat first?
What about your name?
- They drew it
out of the hat last.
- What's a hat last?
- I'll be back in
time for supper.
- Then will you give
me my driving lesson?
- I'll be too tired.
- Then why did I get
my learner's permit?
- Because you
can't drive without it.
- But I can't drive with it.
- Bye, Lisa.
(scoffs)
(upbeat music)
There we are, that does it.
- Thank you, fellas.
Sure glad we're all through
picking everybody's fruit.
- We're not through.
You still have to come
over to my place tomorrow.
- Oh, we'll be there.
- All right, see you all
tomorrow, seven AM.
(upbeat music)
- Oliver, how many
sandwiches will you need?
- There are about
20 men coming over,
so you better make
about 40 sandwiches.
- Yes, sir.
(soft music)
That's one.
Oliver, I don't think we're
going to have enough bread.
- Did you ever think of
slicing the bread thinner?
- Well, then we won't
have enough cheese.
- Lisa, just bring the bread
and the cheese out later
and we'll make our
own sandwiches.
- Mr. Kimball's
out in the orchard.
- Oh, they're
beginning to arrive.
Hi, Mr. Kimball.
- Morning, Mr. Douglas.
- Ready to pick apples?
- Nope.
- What do you mean?
- I won't be able
to help you today.
The chief's sending
me up to the state capital
on official business.
Or is the county state?
Or is it unofficial business?
Well, whatever it is, you
have to get along without me.
- Well, that's all right.
There'll be enough
fellows here to pick...
- At least two.
- Two?
- Yeah, you and Eb.
- What about the
rest of the men?
- Well, I'll read
you the sick list.
Yeah, Fred can't get out of bed.
He threw his sacro
out of his iliac.
And Newt Kiley's
arm stiff in this way
from reaching for apples.
And Ben Miller's got the stoops.
- The stoops?
- Yeah yeah, from
picking up baskets.
Oh, Sam's got leg cramps
and Harvey Reeler's
got a big splinter in his,
well, you remember
when he slid down
the ladder yesterday.
Yeah, there are also
six assorted sprains
and one divorce.
- Divorce?
- Yeah, Percy Martin's wife
ran off when the phone man
while Percy was picking apples.
- Oh, for the love...
- But they all wanted
me to tell you how much
they appreciated your
suggestion and help.
Yeah boy, without you,
their apples would be
rotting on the trees,
like yours will be.
Well, I got to be running along.
- Now what are we gonna do?
- We're gonna pick apples.
- Just the two of us?
- Yes, let's get to work.
(upbeat music)
- When do you have to
get your crop to Mr. Collins?
- In two days.
- Huh, you want to
know something?
You ain't gonna make it.
- Look, Eb...
- It's taken us nearly
three hours to pick
three baskets and a half basket.
- We'll just have to
work a little harder.
(sighs)
- I'm hungry.
I wish Mrs. Douglas
would bring the sandwiches.
(soft music)
Mr. Douglas, let's face it.
We're never gonna make it.
- I'm afraid you're right.
This is my first chance
to make a real killing.
- Ain't there some
automatic way to pick them?
- Well, out west they got a
machine for picking oranges.
- How do they work?
- Well, the machine grabs
a tree trunk and shakes it,
and then they have a
big canvas spread around
the trunk that
catches the oranges.
- Don't they have
one for apples?
(horn beeping)
(loud crash)
I think your wife
just invented one.
(upbeat music)
- How did you do on the apples?
- We cleared 1200 dollars.
- That's wonderful.
- Well, there were a
few small deductions.
- Like what?
- 580 dollars for
repairing a patrol car
and 320 dollars for repairing
the rear end of our car.
- Well, that still leaves...
- No, I'm not through yet.
There were a few assorted
fines we had to pay.
Speeding, reckless driving,
driving without a license,
driving without a learner's
permit, court costs.
- How much did we make?
- We lost 12
dollars and 80 cents.
- That isn't too bad.
- Well no, it's not...
- I got some other
good news for you.
- What's that?
- I decided to give up driving.
Here are your keys.
- Oh wonderful, thank you.
Where's the car?
- Sticking out of
the side of the barn.
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] This has been a
Filmways Presentation, darling.
- So, this is the
steering wheel.
It's used to steer the car.
You got that?
Steering wheel.
- Steering wheel.
- Yes, yes.
- What is that button?
- Oh, that's the
vindshield viper.
- I don't make
fun of your accent.
Why do you make fun of mine?
- I don't have an accent.
- You do in Hungary.
- Do you want to
learn how to drive?
- Yes.
Now, what is that thing?
- Oh, that's the horn.
(beeps horn)
- You blow a pretty good horn.
Now, what are those
things down there?
- Oh, this is the gas
pedal, that's the brake,
and here's the
automatic transmission.
- Grass pedal, the rake, and
the automatic transgression.
- No no, no no.
Gas, brake,
automatic transmission.
- What did I say?
- Who knows?
Look, Lisa...
- Mr. Douglas, I got something
very important to tell you.
There's a man...
- Later Eb, I'm taking
a driving lesson.
- What man?
- He's from the
wholesale house and he's
out in the apple orchard
and he wants to talk to you.
- Oh, that must be Mr. Collins.
He said he'd be here today.
- What about my driving lesson?
- Oh, this is important.
Mr. Collins wants
to talk to me about
buying my apple crop.
- Well, what do I do
in the meanwhile?
- Here.
Practice putting on your
lipstick in the rear view mirror.
(scoffs)
(upbeat music)
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye city life
♪ Green Acres, we are there
(upbeat music)
- Very good looking
fruit, Mr. Douglas.
- Thank you, Mr. Collins.
(horn beeping)
- You know, I almost didn't
come by your place this year.
- Why not?
- Well, I've been coming
by here for four years
to look at your apples and it's
always been a waste of time.
- Well...
- But I guess you had
to get lucky sometimes.
- No, it's not luck.
(horn beeping)
You see, I've done a lot of
things differently this year.
I pruned...
- Well, whatever.
My firm will take your
entire crop, 2.25 a bushel.
- Oh hey, well that's a deal.
(laughs)
- Can you deliver
them in two weeks?
- Oh, that shouldn't
be any problem.
We'll start picking
next week and...
(horn beeping)
- Mr. Douglas, is
somebody honking for you?
- Oh no, that's my wife.
She's practicing horn blowing.
- What?
- I'm teaching her how to drive.
- You have my deepest sympathy.
(upbeat music)
(purring)
- [Oliver] Lisa, guess
what happened?
(beeps horn)
- How does that sound?
- Fine.
- That was right handed.
- You know what
Mr. Collins... (beeps horn)
- That was left handed.
- Will you stop
blowing the horn?
Don't you want to
hear what happened?
Mr. Collins bought
my whole apple crop.
- Your whole crop?
Holy Toledo,
we're rich, rich, rich.
- Eb...
- Now you can get me
all the things I never had.
A Mary Poppins pencil
box, Rudy Vallee records,
stripe thermal underwear,
a trip to Europe.
- Eb, I'm not
getting you anything.
- Fine thing.
That's the thanks I get
for all my years of loyalty.
You're rich, rich, rich.
I get nothing, nothing, nothing.
- Right, right, right.
Now get back to work.
Lisa, this is the
first break I've had
since I bought the farm.
- Well, you had to
get lucky sometime.
- Wasn't luck, hard work.
- I know.
I'm proud of the way
you kept your nose
to the rhinestone.
- The rhinestone?
Yeah look, please
get out of the car.
I've got to get into
Drucker's and buy some
bushel baskets for the pickings.
- What about my driving lessons?
- Later.
- Always later.
- Lisa, why don't
you go into the house
and study the
motor vehicle code?
- That's a dull way to
spend the afternoon.
- I'll be back
in a little while.
- That isn't going to
make things any brighter.
(upbeat music)
- Mr. Haney, I'm in a hurry.
- Oh, don't let me stop you.
- Would you mind
moving your truck?
- Oh, are you going
in that direction?
- Yes, I'm going
in that direction.
I have to go to Drucker's
and buy some bu...
- What kind of bu
are you interested in?
- Oh no you don't.
I'm not telling you what I need.
- I thought you went
into Drucker's to buy
your bushel baskets.
- Oh, you...
- Thanks Eb, you're entitled
to the usual commission.
- There won't be any
commission because
I'm not buying them from you.
- You will when I
show you my line of
superior merchandise.
(upbeat music)
Now, just take a look at these.
These baskets are
made out of strips of
genuine birch bark,
which have been reclaimed
from old Indian canoes.
As part of a conservation
program instituted
by the Cherokee nation.
- Of all the...
- It's their way of saying
thank you to General Custard
for being such a good loser.
- That's the load...
- Now with these baskets,
you can double your yield.
For every bushel
of apples you pick,
you can fill two
of these baskets.
- How can you do that?
- They have false bottoms.
You see, these were
originally made for
smuggling marijuana
in from Tijuana.
- Tijua...
- Unfortunately, the smuggler
made a slight mistake.
He put the tomatoes
under the false bottom
and the marijuana on top.
But I'm sure you wouldn't
make a mistake like that.
- The only mistake
I could make is to
buy those baskets from you.
- I have a complete
line of picking supplies.
Would you be interested
in some mahogany
pleated picking ladders?
- Nothing, just move your truck.
- How about a large
button for your lapel,
saying I'm rich, rich, rich?
- All right, Mr. Haney.
Now you move that out of here.
(upbeat music)
(horn beeping)
Lisa...
- I'm ready for my lesson.
- [Oliver] Oh, not now.
- You said when you
come back from Drucker's.
- I haven't been
to Drucker's yet.
- Have you got
anything to prove it?
- Out.
- Believe me, this
is the last time I ever
live with a married man.
(upbeat music)
- About 250 bushel baskets, Sam.
- You must have a
lot of apples, Fred.
- Best crop in years.
- Anything else?
- Nope.
(snorting)
You don't need no
jellybeans, Arnold.
(snorting)
Well, you know they
always give you heartburn.
(snorting)
- I didn't know
pigs got heartburn.
- Well, Arnold will do
anything to be one of the crowd.
- Well, if you don't
need anything else...
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Oh morning, Mr. Douglas.
(snorting)
- What does he want?
- He wants to know if you'll
buy him some jellybeans.
- Why should I buy
him any jellybeans?
(snorting)
- He says because
you're rich, rich, rich.
- I hear you sold your
apple crop, Mr. Douglas.
- Yes, I did.
- Beginner's luck.
- It's not beginner's...
(snorting)
I am not buying.
Tell him I am not buying
him any jellybeans.
- That ain't what he asked you.
He wants to know what
you take for heartburn.
- Mr. Drucker, I'd like to
order some bushel baskets.
- How many?
- Well, I've got over 100 trees.
- Give him about eight.
- What do you mean, eight?
- I hear you're giving Mrs.
Douglas driving lessons.
- Yeah, about the baskets now...
- You know, I always
think it's a mistake
for a husband to
teach his wife to drive.
Breaks up a lot of marriages.
- Well, if I'd have
known that, I'd ought to
taught Doris how to drive.
- Who did teach her?
- Arnold did.
(snorting)
- How could he?
- Well, simple.
You see, my car's got
an automatic transmission.
- Oh, for the love of...
- How many baskets did
you want, Mr. Douglas?
- Well, I think I
should have about 100
and if I need more,
I'll come by later.
- Oh by the way, have you
arranged for your pickers yet?
- No, who do I see about that?
- Hank Kimball.
(soft music)
- Mr. Kimball.
Mr. Kimball?
- Oh, excuse me.
I didn't know this
was your office.
(soft music)
- [Oliver] Mr. Kimball?
- Yes?
- How did you get in here?
- [Hank] Through
the secret entrance.
I came through the bottom
drawer of the file cabinet.
- I'd like to see you do that.
- Then it wouldn't be a secret.
- Oh.
Look, Mr. Kimball, I
need some apple pickers.
- What for?
- To pick apples.
- Oh, those kind
of apple pickers.
Thought you meant the kind that,
well, guess that's
the only kind there is.
How many pickers will you need?
- Well, you've seen my orchard.
- Oh yes, you'd need
about half a picker.
- I'll need about 20.
- Well, let me
make a note of that.
Do you have a pencil?
- Yes.
- Then you make a note of it.
Now, what kind of apple
pickers do you need?
Wine sack pickers, Macintosh
pickers, or Pippin pickers?
- Are you trying
to tell me there are
different pickers for
different kinds of apples?
- Oh yes, we're living in
an age of specialization.
I mean, no longer do
you take your dirigible
into an automobile
mechanic to have it repaired.
You take it to a
dirigible mechanic.
- Fine, I'll remember that.
Now, will you please help me?
- Well, of course.
What seems to be
wrong with your dirigible?
- Mr. Kimball,
the apple pickers.
- Oh, well I keep a file of
apple pickers right here.
Now, let's see.
Well, I can get you Peter Piper.
No, Peter Piper's busy
picking pickled peppers.
- I'm gonna...
- Hey, how about Sally Simpson?
No, Sally Simpson's selling
seashells by the seashore.
- I don't care what Shally
Shimpson's shelling.
- Sally Simpson's selling.
- Mr. Kimball, just get
me 20 apple pickers
for next Wednesday.
The door is locked.
- Oh.
Well, I guess you have
to use the bottom drawer
of the file cabinet.
(upbeat music)
(horn beeping)
- [Lisa] I'm ready
for my lesson.
- Lisa, not now.
- Well, you promised.
- Look, I just came
back for my check book.
I've got to go up to
Pixley and arrange
for a truck to
bring my apples in.
- I'll drive you there.
- No.
- Can I go with you
and watch you drive?
- Fine.
- [Lisa] What's that?
- [Oliver] That's
the turn indicator.
- What do you use that for?
- If you want to make a
right hand turn, you push it up.
If you want to make a left
hand turn, you pull it down.
- And the car turns by itself?
- No, you turn it.
- I thought it was against
the law to do a U-turn.
- Will you please...
- What's that button?
- That's to put the top up.
- Up where?
- Up.
Will you move over and be quiet?
(upbeat music)
- Why do you keep
your foot on that thing?
- Oh, that's the grass pedal.
The gas pedal.
- What does that do?
- That's how you control
the speed of the car
with the pressure of your foot.
- Oh.
How much pressure do
you keep on your foot?
- 28 pounds in the left
foot and 39 in the right foot.
- Oh.
What's that thing for?
- Lisa, will you
please be quiet?
- Yes, sir.
Do you know you
have a nervous twitch?
- Well, I didn't have it
when we started out.
- Your windshield is dirty.
- Yes, I know.
- Do you want me
to clean it for you?
- No.
I'll tell you what
I want you to do.
- Oliver, I can't learn to
drive sitting back here.
- Would you like me
to put you in the trunk?
- You wouldn't do that.
- Don't tempt me.
- You're twitching again.
- Lisa, if you don't...
- If you would just
let me drive a little.
- If I were to let you,
would you be quiet?
- Yes, sir.
(upbeat music)
- All right, Lisa, now this
looks like a safe place.
There's no traffic.
I'm gonna let you drive
for a few hundred feet.
You know how to start the car?
- Yes.
- All right.
What do you do first?
- I fasten on my seatbelt.
- Mmhmm, and then what?
- I turn the key.
- Mmhmm.
Yeah, that's the stuff.
- Now what?
- Soon as I get
in, I'll show you.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, look out... (loud clatter)
Sheriff's car.
(soft music)
- Must have been
doing 90 miles an hour
when she plowed into me.
- 90 miles an hour
from a standing start?
- You were drag racing?
That's against the law, son.
- I wasn't...
- Don't interrupt me, boy.
May I see your license, ma'am?
- What do I need a license for?
I don't know how to drive.
- You don't know how?
- She was just learning.
- Don't sass the deputy, son.
May I see your
learner's permit, ma'am?
- What does it look like?
- It's a little
white card with...
- Well, I don't
have one of those.
- Lady, don't you all
know it's against the law
to operate a motor vehicle
without a learner's permit
or a license?
- Is that true?
- What are you asking him for?
- He ought to know
more about it than you do.
He's a lawyer.
- Oh, one of them radicals.
Let me see your license, boy.
- There you are.
- This is expired.
- Expired?
- That means it's
no good anymore.
- I know what it means.
- Then why were
you driving with it?
- Lisa.
- You always have
that twitch, boy?
- I don't...
Look, Sheriff, I wasn't aware
that my license wasn't valid.
It's an honest mistake.
I'll get a new
license in Pixley.
- How you gonna
get to Pixley, boy?
- Drive.
- Without a license?
- Well, how can I get
to Pixley to get a license
if I can't drive to
Pixley to get it?
- I suggest y'all get somebody
to do your driving for you.
(beeps horn)
- Hi, everybody.
Well, not everybody.
- Hear what happened
to Mr. Douglas?
They took away his license
for backing into a police car.
- They didn't.
Go to work.
- Yes, sir.
- No no, not you, Eb.
What about my apple pickers?
- Oh, that's what I come
over here to talk to you about.
Say, do you always
have that twitch?
- I don't have a twitch.
- You don't have any
apple pickers either.
- What?
- He said you don't have
any apple pickers either.
- Why not?
- Because there
aren't any around.
- Well, where are they?
- Where are who?
- The apple pickers.
- There aren't any around.
- What happened to them?
- Oh, they all flew
south for the winter.
No, that was the
sparrows that flew south.
The apple pickers went west.
No, that was Horace Greeley.
- Mr. Kimball...
- Oh, I know.
The apple pickers went
north to pick strawberries.
They get more money.
- Who is going to
pick the apples?
- Who is going to give
me driving lessons?
- Lisa please, if I don't
get those apples picked
and deliver them to Collins,
I'll lose the whole deal.
And every one of you
fellas will lose your deal, too.
- Well, what can we do about it?
- Well, there must be
apple pickers somewhere.
- There are.
- Where?
- Up north, picking
strawberries.
- Oh, you...
- That's what Mr. Kimball said.
- I guess that's the
end of our apple crop.
- Wait a second.
That's no attitude, what
kind of a farmer are you?
- A beaten one.
- Look.
In the old days, farmers
helped one another.
If a man's barn burned
down, his neighbors helped
him build a new one.
- Well good, I could
use a new barn.
- I'm not talking about barns.
I'm talking about apples.
- Why would they want
to build a new apple?
- What I meant was
that we're all in trouble.
And we can help each other.
You fellas come over to my
place, help me pick my apples,
then we'll all go
over to Fred's place,
help him pick his apples.
- Just a second.
Why should we go
over to your place first?
- I don't care whose
place we go to first.
- Fine, then you all come
over to my place first.
(scattered chatter)
- Hold it, hold it fellers.
There's a simple
way to settle all this.
Why don't we just put
everybody's name in a hat
and draw them out and that
will settle the picking order?
- All right fine,
here, use my hat.
- Why should we use your hat?
- Oh, for the...
- It don't make no
difference whose hat we use.
Now, just write out your
names and give them to me.
(soft music)
- Why can't you give me
a driving lesson today?
- I told you.
We're starting to pick
apples at Ben Miller's today.
- Why are they starting there?
- Because they picked
his name out of the hat first.
- What's a hat first?
What about your name?
- They drew it
out of the hat last.
- What's a hat last?
- I'll be back in
time for supper.
- Then will you give
me my driving lesson?
- I'll be too tired.
- Then why did I get
my learner's permit?
- Because you
can't drive without it.
- But I can't drive with it.
- Bye, Lisa.
(scoffs)
(upbeat music)
There we are, that does it.
- Thank you, fellas.
Sure glad we're all through
picking everybody's fruit.
- We're not through.
You still have to come
over to my place tomorrow.
- Oh, we'll be there.
- All right, see you all
tomorrow, seven AM.
(upbeat music)
- Oliver, how many
sandwiches will you need?
- There are about
20 men coming over,
so you better make
about 40 sandwiches.
- Yes, sir.
(soft music)
That's one.
Oliver, I don't think we're
going to have enough bread.
- Did you ever think of
slicing the bread thinner?
- Well, then we won't
have enough cheese.
- Lisa, just bring the bread
and the cheese out later
and we'll make our
own sandwiches.
- Mr. Kimball's
out in the orchard.
- Oh, they're
beginning to arrive.
Hi, Mr. Kimball.
- Morning, Mr. Douglas.
- Ready to pick apples?
- Nope.
- What do you mean?
- I won't be able
to help you today.
The chief's sending
me up to the state capital
on official business.
Or is the county state?
Or is it unofficial business?
Well, whatever it is, you
have to get along without me.
- Well, that's all right.
There'll be enough
fellows here to pick...
- At least two.
- Two?
- Yeah, you and Eb.
- What about the
rest of the men?
- Well, I'll read
you the sick list.
Yeah, Fred can't get out of bed.
He threw his sacro
out of his iliac.
And Newt Kiley's
arm stiff in this way
from reaching for apples.
And Ben Miller's got the stoops.
- The stoops?
- Yeah yeah, from
picking up baskets.
Oh, Sam's got leg cramps
and Harvey Reeler's
got a big splinter in his,
well, you remember
when he slid down
the ladder yesterday.
Yeah, there are also
six assorted sprains
and one divorce.
- Divorce?
- Yeah, Percy Martin's wife
ran off when the phone man
while Percy was picking apples.
- Oh, for the love...
- But they all wanted
me to tell you how much
they appreciated your
suggestion and help.
Yeah boy, without you,
their apples would be
rotting on the trees,
like yours will be.
Well, I got to be running along.
- Now what are we gonna do?
- We're gonna pick apples.
- Just the two of us?
- Yes, let's get to work.
(upbeat music)
- When do you have to
get your crop to Mr. Collins?
- In two days.
- Huh, you want to
know something?
You ain't gonna make it.
- Look, Eb...
- It's taken us nearly
three hours to pick
three baskets and a half basket.
- We'll just have to
work a little harder.
(sighs)
- I'm hungry.
I wish Mrs. Douglas
would bring the sandwiches.
(soft music)
Mr. Douglas, let's face it.
We're never gonna make it.
- I'm afraid you're right.
This is my first chance
to make a real killing.
- Ain't there some
automatic way to pick them?
- Well, out west they got a
machine for picking oranges.
- How do they work?
- Well, the machine grabs
a tree trunk and shakes it,
and then they have a
big canvas spread around
the trunk that
catches the oranges.
- Don't they have
one for apples?
(horn beeping)
(loud crash)
I think your wife
just invented one.
(upbeat music)
- How did you do on the apples?
- We cleared 1200 dollars.
- That's wonderful.
- Well, there were a
few small deductions.
- Like what?
- 580 dollars for
repairing a patrol car
and 320 dollars for repairing
the rear end of our car.
- Well, that still leaves...
- No, I'm not through yet.
There were a few assorted
fines we had to pay.
Speeding, reckless driving,
driving without a license,
driving without a learner's
permit, court costs.
- How much did we make?
- We lost 12
dollars and 80 cents.
- That isn't too bad.
- Well no, it's not...
- I got some other
good news for you.
- What's that?
- I decided to give up driving.
Here are your keys.
- Oh wonderful, thank you.
Where's the car?
- Sticking out of
the side of the barn.
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] This has been a
Filmways Presentation, darling.