Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 6, Episode 5 - Oliver Goes Broke - full transcript

("Green Acres Theme
Song" by Vic Mizzy)

- Oh, Lori, I'm so sorry
you have to go home today.

- Me too.

- Did you have a
good summer with us?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Lisa, we have to be at
the airport in an hour, and...

What's that?

(gentle popping)
(audience laughs)

- They're blooping out
Auld Lang Syne for Lori.

- How can they...

- This stack will be
ready in a minute.



- If she eats another
stack of those,

they won't be able to get
the plane off the ground.

- Darling, when you get married,

don't marry a wise acre.

- Lisa, she's going
to miss her plane.

- I'll get dressed.

- Have you got any money?

- Why, is there a charge
for getting dressed?

- I need some cash
for Lori's plane ticket.

- All I have is $2.00,
in mad money,

that's why I can't afford
to get mad too often.

- I'll stop at Drucker's
and cash a check.

- I hate to go home.

I've had so much fun here.



- Well the country's
done you a lot of good.

Oh, I say you've developed
a lot muscle there,

sawing away at those things.

(audience laughs)

- Mrs. Douglas
gave me the recipe,

so my aunt can
make these for me.

- Is your aunt a good cook?

- Very good.

- Lets keep her that way.

(audience laughs)

("Green Acres Theme
Song" by Vic Mizzy)

♪ Green acres
♪ Is the place to be

♪ Farm living ♪
Is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out ♪ So far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan

♪ Just give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you

♪ But give me Park
Avenue ♪ The chores

♪ The stores ♪ Fresh
air ♪ Times Square

♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green acres we are there

- I'll only be a minute.

- Could I say goodbye
to Mr. Drucker?

- Oh sure.

- Can I say goodbye to him too?

- Where are you going?

- To the airport.

- Oh, now stay in the car.

Look we all don't have to go in.

- Well Lori's going
to leave soon,

and I want to spend
every minute with her.

- Okay.

- Hey, can I turn on the radio?

- Yeah, go ahead.

(gentle instrumental music)

- Hey, Mrs. Douglas,
that's the song

your hotcakes were
playing this morning.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, morning folks.

- Good morning, Mr. Drucker.

- Hey, good
morning, Mr. Drucker.

We're in a kind
of a hurry, could

you cash a check for us?

- I'm sorry you're
leaving, Lori.

- I'm sorry, too.

- It's been nice
having you around.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Drucker, could
you please, the check?

- Our house is going to
be very lonely without her.

- I'll bet it will.

- The check, please.

- You're gonna write
to us, aren't you?

- Yes, sir.

- Mr. Drucker, please,
would you cash the check?

- Oh, yes sir.

$50, huh?

You know, you're
one of the few people

in the valley I'd cash
a personal check for.

- Well, that's...

- I've been a store
keeper for over 30 years,

and I've made it a policy
never to cash personal checks.

Used to have a sign up there,

said no personal checks cashed.

- Yes, well...

- You know why
I had it up there?

On account of Ben Miller.

Now there's a man that
looks as honest as you,

and I cashed a check for
him one day, and it bounced.

- Well...
- Boing, boing, boing, boing.

- May I have the money please?

- Oh, sure.

$50, huh?

That's the same amount as Ben's.

- Yes.

- I'm sorry, I haven't got
that much in the register.

- Well why didn't you...

- I've got it in my safe.

It'll only take a minute.

Well lets see, what was
that combination again?

Oh, just a minute.

I've got it in the back room.

- [Oliver] Oh, we're
in quite a hurry.

- I just remembered.

I wrote it on the
wall, right here.

I figured that was
the safest place for it.

Nobody would figure
I was stupid enough

to write it on the wall,
right over the safe.

- No, they wouldn't.

- There's only one way
to beat crooks today,

you've gotta...

- May we have the money, please?

- Oh, yes sir.

Now lets see.

Three, right.

That a three, or an eight?

That's the only
trouble with this system,

I can't read my own writing.

(audience laughs)

I guess it's a three.

(alarm blares)

Well I guess it was an eight.

See, I got the burglar
alarm, connected to...

- Somebody's robbing
Mr. Drucker's safe.

Got you, you're not
getting away from me...

- That's Mr. Drucker!

- Are you sure?

- Yes!

(alarm blares)

- Then what's he
robbing his own safe for?

(lively instrumental music)

- Yes, sir?

- Oh, yes sir, can I help you?

- Yes, I'd like a ticket
to New York, half fare.

- A half fare?

Just how old are you, sonny?

- It's not for me.

It's for her.

- Well how old is she?

- Eight.

- Pretty well developed
for an eight year old.

- This is the little girl.

- Oh.

Now where to?

- New York.

- Round trip?

- One way.

- You realize, of
course, that with

a one way ticket you're not
allowed to watch the movie?

- Look...
- And it's a brand new one, too.

Tom Mix in Apache Pass.

- Just give me a half
fare ticket to New York.

- Alright.

Does the little lady have
any preference about seating?

- I'd like to sit by the window.

- Well I'm sorry
honey, but you see

the pilot is the only
one on the plane

that has a window.

(audience laughs)

- The pilot's the
only one who...

- That'll be $18.30.

- Is the plane ready?

- About as ready
as it ever will be.

- When can the
little girl get onboard?

- As soon as they
bring back the ladder.

- [Oliver] The ladder?

- Yes, you see the
painters borrowed it.

They're painting the men's room.

- Maybe we oughta
let Lori take the train.

- Hold on, look, don't
get all up tight about this,

you see the company
psychologist suggested

that we tell a few
jokes to the passengers

to make them laugh.

- Oh.

- See that way it
keeps their minds

off the holes in the wings.

- What?

- That's just a new
funny, they just

gave it to me this morning.

(laughs)

- Here's Lori's bag.

Say, when can she
get on the plane?

- As soon as they
return the ladder.

- Oh, are they painting
the ladies' room again?

- No, the men's room.

- Now Trans Pixie
Airlines has a little present

for you honey, a package of toys

to help you wile away the
time, while you're in the air.

- What's in it?

- A roulette wheel,
a deck of cards,

pair of dice, an eye
shade, and a dealer's apron.

We used to give these
out on our Las Vegas flight,

but we had to cut it out.

You see one of the pilot's
lost a plane at the crap table.

- Forget the jokes.

- Oh that's no joke,
it actually happened.

- Look, I...

- You see, he rolled
snake eyes, and...

Oh, they're bringing
back the ladder,

you can board the plane now.

(audience laughs)

- What gate?

- That will be announced
on the public address system.

- Alright, come on, lets go.

- Come on darling.
- Okay, lets go.

- May I have your
attention please?

- Will you...

- Trans Pixie Airlines,
flight 27, non stop

to New York, via
Dunphysville, Felsonville,

and Turkey Feather Junction,
now boarding at gate six.

Passengers please
stop at the Trans Pixie

Airlines counter, before
boarding for their oxygen masks.

(audience laughs)

- Of all the...

- I'll get your
mask for you, Lori.

- It's time to say
goodbye honey, bye.

- Goodbye, Mr. Douglas.
- Bye.

- Goodbye, Mrs. Douglas.

I'm going to miss you both.

- Oh, goodbye darling.

We're going to
miss you, you were

like our own little girl.

- Here's your oxygen mask, Lori.

Now the man said
be sure and save

the paper bag,
because you might...

- Hey, hey, Eb.

- Bye, Eb.

- Oh, goodbye little sister.

And you write to me.

- Trans Pixie
Airlines, flight 27 is

now ready to depart.

Will the little girl,
with the gambling kit,

please get onboard?

- I don't believe this.

- Oh, you'd better get onboard.

Come on darling, hurry up.

- [Lori] Goodbye,
Mr. Douglas, goodbye!

- Goodbye, Lori.
- Bye!

- [Oliver] Bye, bye!

- Oh, she's gone.

- Yeah, well...
- Yeah, she's... (sobs)

Gone, gone, gone!

- Eb, Eb, Eb.

- Oliver, I'm going
to miss her so much.

(sobs)

(plane engine rumbles)

(lively instrumental music)

- Lisa.

Lisa, aren't you going
to get up, it's two o'clock.

- What's to get up for?

- Well...

- Without a child
to keep you busy,

I don't have any
porpoise in life.

- Porpoise?

You mean...
- All I have to remember her by

is her little teddy bear.

- That's Eb's,
he lent it to her.

Now come on, get up.

- Ah, yesterday
when Lori was here

there was a reason to get up.

But today?

What's to get up for?

- Will you stop saying that?

- Oh, Oliver, I miss her.

- So do I.

- Then what do you get up for?

- Well because...

- Oh, it's so empty here
without her shining little face,

and the laughter of her smile,

and the little pitter
patter of her little feet.

- If you wanna stay
in bed, stay in bed,

but I have got work to do.

- If there were something
worth doing I'd get up.

- You could make
lunch for me, and Eb.

- That's not worth
getting up for.

- Oh, for...

- Maybe if I had something
important to keep me occupied.

- Get up, and we'll discuss it.

- Oh no, I know that trick.

- What trick?

- You always say get
up, and we discuss it,

and then I get up, and
while we're discussing it,

a friend of yours comes,
and steals the bed.

(audience laughs)

- Get up.

- What's to get up for?

- If you say that once more...

- Oliver, having Lori here
gave me something to do.

Now I have to find
something to keep me busy.

- Maybe you could
go to state college,

and take an extension course?

- What for, I know how
to use an extension.

You plug one end
into the wall, and...

- Yes, an extension course
would be a waste of time.

- Oliver, I need a purpose.

- If you had taken
care of your porpoise,

you wouldn't need a purpose.

- Oliver.

Maybe I could find a job?

- You wanna work for me?

- That's right.

- Well...

- Since Lori left I
don't know what

to do with myself,
so I've got to find

a job to keep me busy.

- Well...

- You wouldn't have
to pay me very much.

- Well...

- I've had experience
as a sales girl,

when my father
was the king I worked

in the souvenir shop
he had on the first

floor of the palace.

- Well...

- I used to sell all
kinds of souvenirs

to the tourists, like ash trays,

with my father's
picture on the bottom.

Those were our best sellers.

People liked to grind
out their cigarettes

in a king's mouth.

- Well I can see where...

- Then I used to
have colored slides

of my father,
sitting on his throne,

in various poses,
six positions, for $1.

Course the biggest
item we had was

a balloon, which
you could blow up,

into a life size model of
my mother, the queen.

- Oh, well that sounds...

- Anyway, I worked
there for two years,

so you can see that I have
some experiences in selling.

- Oh, yeah, alright...

- When do I start working?

- Well... (Hank whistles)

- Here comes Mr. Kimball.

Let me wait on him, and
show you what I can do.

(gentle instrumental music)

May I help you?

- Oh, hi Sam.

(audience laughs)

Say, you got your blonde
wig, and your dress on again?

- I'm not Sam.

I'm Lisa Douglas.

- Oh, well that's
a natural mistake.

I mean when you
walk in here you never

can tell when you'll find
Sam parading around

in his blonde
wig, and his dress.

(audience laughs)

- Hank.

- Who are you?

- Who do you think I am?

- Oh, Sam.

Hey you look better
with your blonde wig on.

- Can I help you, Mr. Kimball?

- Nobody can help him.

- I resent your sarcasm.

Well I don't resent it,
I don't understand it.

Now, what can I do
for you, Mrs. Douglas?

- No, I'm waiting on you.

- You are?

- Mr. Drucker is trying me out.

I am looking for a job.

- Well it had to happen
sooner or later, huh?

I knew Mr. Douglas
would go broke,

the way he runs that farm.

- Hank, Mr. Douglas isn't...

- Sam, why don't you put
a dull finish on your head?

The reflection's blinding me.

- Now look here, Hank...
- Mr. Kimball.

Don't you want to buy anything?

- Well I can't think
of anything offhand.

I can't think of
anything on hand either.

But I wouldn't
want you to get fired

because you need
the job so badly,

so just pick out something,
and put it on my bill.

Well I gotta get
going, I have a...

Gee, I'm sorry to
hear about your

husband going broke, though.

(audience laughs)

- I didn't do too
good with him, did I?

- Oh nobody could.

Look, Mrs. Douglas,
I really don't need

any help in the store.

- Is there any place you
know where I could get a job?

- Not on hand.

Not offhand, but
I'll ask around,

and if I hear of
anything I'll let you know.

- If I don't get a
job soon, well...

You've been very
kind, thank you.

(gentle instrumental music)

- Mr. Douglas!

Tell me it's not true,
tell me it's not true.

- Alright, it's not
true, let go of me!

- Don't you wanna
know what's not true?

- Not particularly.

- You can't face it, huh?

- Face what?

- Being broke.

- Where did you hear that?

- It's all over town.

- Well it's not true.

- Then why did you send
mom out to look for a job?

- Oh that.

- How can you
toss it off so lightly?

There's that poor
woman looking all

over town for a
job, trying to save

you from going
under, and all you can

say is, "Oh that."

(audience laughs)

- Eb...

- Mr. Douglas it's not a
crime to lose all your money.

It's just stupid.

- Look...

- Don't worry,
I'll help you out.

I'll work for nothing,
you won't have

to pay me till you
get on your feet.

- Fine.

- Buck up, you're not the first

dumb dumb to lose their money,

and you won't be the last
dumb dumb to lose it either.

- Will you stop calling me...

- Don't worry, Mr. Douglas,
you'll come back.

- Eb, I... (audience laughs)

Lisa.

Where you been?

- Everywhere.

I've been looking for a job.

Oh, my feet are killing me.

I must have walked at least...

- Lisa, there's a story
going around that I'm broke.

- Oh yes, I heard that.

How did it happen?

- Look it didn't
happen, I am not broke.

- Then why did you send
me out to look for a job?

- I didn't...

- Don't worry darling,
everything will work out.

Like my father used
to say, "It's always

"darkest before you're born."

- Before you're...

- Even when things
are the blackest,

remember that every
crowd has a sliver in its lining.

- Yes, I'll remember that.

Every crowd has a...

- Don't worry,
darling, I'll find a job.

- Lisa, you don't need
a job, we've got money.

If you wanna do
something to occupy

your mind, why don't
you do volunteer work?

You know, they
always need people

down at the County Welfare
Department to do social work.

- That's something I could do.

You know I used
to be very social

when we lived in New York.

- Well you be sure
to tell them that, huh?

(lively instrumental music)

- Excuse me.

- Where are you going, lady?

- I want to see
the Social Director.

- The place doesn't
open for 10 minutes.

- Well, can I wait here?

- Go to the end of the line.

I wonder if them jewels is real.

Nah, they couldn't
be, otherwise she

wouldn't be standing
on the free soup line.

(audience laughs)

- Mrs. Douglas on the soup line?

They finally hit bottom.

(audience laughs)

(lively instrumental music)

- You saw what?

- I saw Mrs. Douglas
on the free soup line,

in front of the
County Welfare place.

- When did you
see her, before or

after you went in the saloon?

- Fred, I know what I saw.

- I don't believe it.

- Why not, he's a
kind of a dumb dumb

that would lose all his money.

- Well, if it is true, we
oughta do something.

Lets take up a
collection for him.

- You mean money?

- Yeah.

- Well now lets not
do nothing hasty.

Maybe we oughta
investigate a little,

find out just how
bad off they are.

- I think Haney's right, Sam.

I'll drop over there
and nose around a little.

(lively instrumental music)

- I never saw the
Social Director,

but they were very nice to me.

They gave me a
bowl of hot soup, and

they gave me this, they told
me to give it to my husband.

- Yeah?

Why would they do that?

(knock on door)

- [Lisa] Oh hello
there, Mr. Ziffel.

- Mrs. Douglas.

I...

Where'd you get that?

- The welfare
people gave it to me.

- Well I'll be doggone.

- Is something wrong?

- I guess I must have
dialed the wrong number.

- I wonder what's
the matter with him.

- Are you sure it
was your suit, Fred?

- Positive, I wore it 30 years

before I turned it in
to the clothing drive.

- And Mrs. Douglas told you she

got it from the welfare people?

- Yep.

- Now, maybe you'll
believe what I told you.

- Well it just doesn't
seem possible...

(phone rings)

Drucker's Store.

What?

Oh yeah.

What?

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sorry,
I'll take care of it.

Well I'll be doggone.

- What's the matter?

- That was the bank.

The $50 check I cashed
for Mr. Douglas bounced.

- Bounced?

- Boing, boing, boing, boing.

I never would've believed it.

- Well you should've
known it, when

he sent her in to
ask you for a job.

- She said she
wanted something to

occupy her time, now
that Lori went home.

- Sounds like the kind
of story he'd make up

for her to tell.

- I don't think
Mr. Douglas would do that.

- Well anybody that
would send his wife

to the welfare
department for soup,

and a suit would do anything.

- Well, we gotta do
something to help 'em.

- Well I don't
mind helping her...

- If you help one, we
gotta help 'em both.

They work as a team.

- So knowing how
desperate you are

for money, I went up to
the pawn shop in Pixlie.

- [Oliver] Eb, I am not...

- I'm sorry, but all the fella

would lend me on
the watch was $8.

- Eb.

You pawned your watched
because you thought I was broke?

- Not my watch, yours.

- What?

- Well I knew you were too proud

to let anybody see you
going into a hawk shop.

- Oh, he's not too proud.

When we first got
married, he was always

going into the hawk
shop with my rings.

- I never went...

- Hey, I hope that eight
bucks will help you out.

- Eb, can I please
have my pawn ticket?

- What for?

- I'm going to get
my watch back.

- But if you need the money...

- Eb, the pawn ticket, please.

- Okay, here.

- Well as well I'm
about it, I might

as well take these back
to the welfare people.

(objects clatter)
(audience laughs)

(lively instrumental music)

- Oliver, what happened?

- I tripped over that...

- Hey, it's a basket of food.

- [Oliver] Who put that there?

- Who cares, now
Ma won't have to stand

in a soup line anymore.

- Oliver, why did you
order all that food?

- I didn't.

Well don't you know what
this is, everybody thinks

we're broke, and they chipped in

and bought all
this stuff for us.

- What a nice thing to do.

- Yes, but... I'm
going to return...

Where's the car?

- Oh, I forgot.

$200 is the most
they'd give me for it.

(audience laughs)

(lively instrumental music)

- I don't know who left
it there, Mr. Douglas.

Do you, Fred?

- Nope.

- Me neither.

- Fellas, it was a very
nice thing for you to do,

but we don't need food.

- Need another suit?

- I don't need anything,
I've got money.

- Yeah, but how long
can you go around

cashing bum checks?

- What?

- That check you
give Sam bounced.

- Bounced?

- Boing, boing, boing, boing.

- Well why should a
check of mine boing...

Bounce.

- 'Cause the bank
said you don't have

no money in your account.

- Oh, that's ridiculous, I
made a deposit last week.

I mailed it from here,
you put the stamp on it.

You put it up on
the shelf there.

- Mr. Douglas, I never
put a letter up on the...

Yes I did.

- Oh.

Well.

Will you please
get this to the bank,

and then put that
check through again?

- Yes sir.

- Fellas, I want you
to know how much

I appreciate that
gesture you made.

- We're glad everything's
alright for you.

- Well thank you,
thank you very much.

- Now what are we gonna
do with the basket of food?

- I know a little old
lady who could use this.

- Well, who?

- My mother.

(audience laughs)

- Haney!

Haney, you come back here!

- Can you imagine?

People doing a
thing like that for us,

because they thought
we had lost all our money?

- That was very touching.

- I've always told you farm
people are like that you know.

When you're in trouble
they come to your aide.

Oh, they're not like
the people in the

big city who wouldn't
raise a finger to help you.

- I don't think that's true.

Remember the time
when we were living

in New York, and
you ran out of olives

for your martini, and
the fellow next door

gave us a half a bottle.

- I'm talking about
real problems.

- If you don't have
an olive in your martini

it's a real problem.

- Lisa, you don't understand
what I'm talking about.

People here in the country
are more than just neighbors.

They care about one another.

You know, there's
something about the soil,

brings people together.

What are you doing?

- I love the way you
wiggle your mustache

when you make a speech.

- I haven't got a mustache.

- Oh.

Well then that must be Alfred.

- Who is Alfred?

- My aunt.

- Your...

- You were saying
something about

people being closer together.

- Well I was talking
about farmers.

- You're a farmer.

- Yes, but...

- Why don't you
turn off the light,

and we'll talk about
crops and things like that?

- Well, I guess a little
crop talk wouldn't hurt, huh?

("Green Acres Theme
Song" by Vic Mizzy)

("Green Acres Theme
Song" By Vic Mizzy)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.