Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 6, Episode 24 - Lisa the Psychologist - full transcript

("Green Acres Theme")

- Oliver.

Would you like to play Monopoly?

- No, no thanks.

- Is it all right
if I play alone?

- I'd prefer it.

(clanking)

Lisa will ya throw the dice?

- I thought you were reading.

- I'm trying to.

(clanking)



- Big eight.

- Good.

- One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

- Ah, Lisa do ya...

- I landed on Park Place.

Is that a good neighborhood?

- I don't know.

- Do you think I
ought to buy it?

- Yes, buy it.

- They want $350 for it.

Do you have change
for a 500-dollar bill?

You didn't like the article?

- I would have if I
could've finished it.

- What was it about?



- Organic farming.

- What's that?

- It's a method
of growing things.

You see, instead of
using artificial fertilizers

and insecticides
you use natural...

- You don't have
change for $500?

- No.

- That article
sounds pretty dull.

No wonder you threw it away.

- I happen to be
interested in it.

In fact, I've been thinking
of going to state college

and taking a course in it.

It'll only be a couple
of nights a week.

- And what am I supposed
to do while you're doing that?

- It wouldn't be a bad idea if
you came to school with me.

Took a course yourself.

- In what?

- I don't know.

They have a lot of
courses, I'm sure you'll

find something you like.

- Well, it might be nice to
be college kids together.

- Fine.

- Where do you
think you're going?

- To bed.

- Well, it's all right with me,

but I don't think the
dean allows boys

into the girls' room
after 10 o'clock.

(upbeat music)

("Green Acres Theme")

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darlin' I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there ♪

(upbeat music)

- Oh, how do you do?

- Oh, how do you do?

May I help you?

- Yes...

- We'd like to go
to college together.

- Well, that's very nice.

- We are married,
is that all right?

- Oh, yes this is a
co-educational school.

- What does that mean?

- That men and
women attend together.

- Attend to what together?

- What course are
you interested in?

- Well, he wants organics,
but I don't think I like that.

- Organic farming.

- Oh yes, we have
a course in that,

but I believe it's filled.

- Filled with what?

- Lisa.

- Why don't you check
with the instructor,

he's right down
the hall in room 221.

- One more room and would've
had his own television show.

(audience laughing)

- Lisa, why don't you pick
out a course for yourself.

I'll see you later.

- Now, what course
are you interested in?

- What have you got?

- Oh, we have a long
list to choose from.

- May I see the menu?

- Don't you mean the curriculum?

- What's a curricumum?

- Here's the menu.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you.

Accounting, agriculture.

What is this one?

Archieology.

- Archeology.

The H is silent.

- Then, what did
they put it in for?

- Would you be
interested in a language?

- What language?

- How about
English, for a starter?

- I'd rather take
something I don't know.

(audience laughing)

- May I suggest something
simple like pottery?

- That might be fun.

- Good.

Now, if you'll please fill
out this registration form.

- Well, how did you do?

- I'm in pottery.

- Oh, good.

- How did you make out?

- They were able to
take me in the class.

I go every Tuesday and Thursday.

- That's a coincidental.

I'm going on Mondays,
Wednesdays, and Fridays.

- Look, the idea was
that we would go together.

- Why don't you change
your organics to Tuesdays

and Thursdays?

- Well, they can't change my...

Hey look, you change
your course, huh?

- Very well.

Hello there.

- Any problem?

- Just one.

You know the pottery on
Monday, Wednesday and Friday?

- Yes.

- Make it Tuesday and Thursday.

- I'm sorry we don't
have a pottery class

on Tuesday and Thursday.

- Then why did you
suggest I take it?

- Well, I thought...

- Just pick out
another course, huh.

- Just when I was
doing so good in pottery.

What have you got on
Tuesdays and Thursdays?

- We have several courses.

- May I see the menu again?

Is this one a Tuesday
and Thursday?

- Well, yes but...
- I'll take it.

- Psychology.

Of all the subjects to pick.

- What's wrong with it?

- It happens to
be very difficult.

- Well, it may be for
you, but it's not for me.

- Oh?

- I was one of the
few girls in Hungary

who understood
Einstein's theory.

- Mm-hm, and what
was Einstein's theory?

- Well, Einstein figured
that if he could get a girl

alone with a bottle of wine...

- What Einstein are
you talking about?

- Boris Einstein, the
Wolf of Budapest.

(audience laughing)

- Lisa...

- Well, I see you
college kids are home.

How was class?

- Oh class didn't start yet.

- No, we just registrared.

- Did you get your
course in organic farming?

- Yes.

- Good.

Now, you'll have a new
method of ruining your farm.

- Eb...

- What are you
taking Mrs. Douglas?

- Psychology.

- What's psychology?

- Tuesdays and Thursdays.

- It's the study of how
the human mind works.

- Golly, I'd be fascinated
to know how mine works.

- I don't think it does.

(audience laughing)

- Boy, one day in
college and you're puttin'

down the little people.

- Look Eb...

- Well, I'll tell you something,

it's us working class
that makes it possible

for you idle rich
to go to college.

- Idle rich?

- We sweat and toil to
pay the taxes to send

you to college,
and what do you do

eat goldfish and
have panty raids.

- What's a panty raids?

- Never mind, never mind.

How about trying a little
work in the corn field?

- I have and I don't like it.

- The corn field!

- Yes, sir.

- Oliver.

- Yes.

- I'm glad I took up psychology.

- Why?

- I'll be able to find out why

you're always yelling at people.

- And that, roughly, is
what we'll cover this term.

Any questions?

- I have one.

- Yes.

- Has anybody seen my lipstick?

(audience laughing)

- Do you mind...
- Oh, I found it.

You can go ahead now.

- Thank you.

Well, to start with let me
explain the term psychology.

I'm sure you're all
familiar with this word.

- I'm not.

What's pusheeshee?

- It's pronounced Psyche.

The P is silent.

- Oh, like the H in archieology?

- Archie yes, yes, yes.

Well, as I was saying
about the word pusheeshee.

Psyche.

It's from the Greek meaning
the soul or the human spirit.

Therefore, in a broad
sense, psychology is the study

of the inner self.

We'll be going into
this more specifically,

studying many
theories, such as Freud's,

that all our drives
are sex-oriented.

- I didn't know this class
was going to be about

Oriental sex.

- Look, Miss...
- It's Missus.

I'm here with my husband.

He's down the hall in organics.

- May I ask what made
you pick psychology?

- Well, I was in pottery,

but that was Monday,
Wednesday, and Friday,

and I needed a
Tuesday and Thursday,

so here I am.

- Yes, yes, you are.

Well, let's get started I'd
advise you all to take notes.

Do you all have pencils?

- Is it okay to use
a ballpoint pen?

- Yes, yes.

- I haven't got one.

Could I use yours?

(audience laughing)

How do you like
the organics so far?

- Fascinating.

- When are you
going to start doing it?

- Well, I've only
had one lesson.

It's a very involved subject.

- You want me to help
you with your homework?

- No thanks.

- Do you mind if I study
my psychology with you?

- No, as long as
you do it quietly.

- Yes, sir.

- What's all that?

- My psychology books.

- Why did you buy so many?

- The professor said
that we need all these

for the six years course.

- Six years?

You'll be lucky if you last...

Just read, huh.

- Yes, sir.

Basic psychology chapter one.

Psychology is the study of
the human mind, and how...

- Lisa, please read to yourself.

- Yes, sir.

Well, I finished this one.

- You finished it?

- How could you?

I'm only on chapter three.

- Oh, you're one
of the slow readers.

- No, I'm not a...
- I'm a fast reader.

I have a retarded mind.

- Retentive.

No, I guess you're
right in the first place.

- Now, for number two.

Advanced psychology.

- Advanced psycho...

Oh, fine.

- Bed spring.

- What?

- Bed spring.

- Bed spring.

- Wrong.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, this is a chapter
on free association.

That's where I say one word,

and you're supposed to
answer with another word.

- Yes, I know what that means.

- Then, how come you didn't
know the answer to bed spring?

- I guess I'm not too bright.

- I'll give you one more chance.

- I don't want one more chance.

- It's all right with
me if you want to be

a middle-class dummy
the rest of your life.

(audience laughing)

- Would you mind helping me?

- I'm not in any mood to work.

Darlene and I had a fight
and she's not talkin' to me.

- Smart girl.

Now, get to work.

- Okay.

Before I start,
what are we doing?

- I'm gonna try a
little organic farming.

The textbook, here,
shows you how to conduct

a field experiment.

After turning over the earth...

- You're only on chapter seven?

- That's right.

- Mrs. Douglas has finished
her fifth psychology book.

- Yes, I know.

- Well, I guess we
have one honor student

and one middle-class
dummy in the family.

- Just turn the
earth over, will you?

- Yes, sir.

- Hello dear.

What are you doing?

- We're having a
field experiment.

- What's that?

- Well, that's where he
reads and I do all the work.

(audience laughing)

- I'm trying a little
organic farming.

- Oh?

You're still on chapter seven?

- Lisa, would you...

- Could you do me a favor?

- What?

- Would you drive
me into the college,

I need some more
psychology books.

- Oh Lisa, you
don't need anymore.

- I'll drive you in.

Then, I can stop by Darlene's
and try to patch things up.

- Oh?

You're having
trouble with Darlene?

What's your problem?

- I think she got mad
because I took my frog

to the football game with
me, and I didn't take her.

(audience laughing)

- I can see where that would...

- Please, this is a
problem for a trained mind.

- Oh, why don't you give
him the bed spring test.

- Bed spring?

- Mattress.

- You see, there is
nothing wrong with me.

Now, back to your
problem with Darlene.

You see, you have
to understand the way

the female mind works.

Now, the female mind...

- Lisa, you've had three
lessons in psychology

you're not qualified.

- Please, we're in consolation.

- I believe the
word is consultation.

- How many psychology
books have you read?

- None.

- Let's get on with
the consolation.

(audience laughing)

- Now, back to your
problem with Darlene.

She probably didn't
want to go to the football

game with you
in the first place,

until you mentioned that you
were going to take your frog.

Which was a blow to her ego.

Now, if you had
asked her first to go,

she would've said go
ahead take the frog,

and you would've been
good friends forever.

- Golly.

You sure learn psychology fast.

I wish I had a
retarded mind like you.

- With a little effort, you can.

(audience laughing)

(knocking)

- Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, you're home.

Mr. Douglas!

(knocking)

- Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, you're in there.

(audience laughing)

Mr. Douglas?

- Mr. Kimball.

- Just a minute,
I'm looking for Mr.

Oh, there you are.

- Yes, what can I do for you?

- What can I do for ya?

Gee, I don't know.

What's your problem?

- Well, I don't have a problem.

Oh, I didn't have one
till you showed up.

- Well, I have a problem.

I thought you might
be able to help me since

you're taking psychology.

- Oh no, my wife is
taking psychology.

- Oh, you're both
taking it, huh?

Oh that's a good idea.

That way you can find out
what's wrong with each other, huh?

- Mr. Kimball, I...

- Shall we start the analysis?

I suppose you want me to
lie down on the couch, huh?

(audience laughing)

- No, I...

- So, you don't
have a couch, huh?

Well, I guess this'll do.

- Mr. Kimball, c'mon
get off of there.

- What's the matter,
isn't a bed official?

- Mr. Kimball may I
explain something to you?

- How can you explain
something when you don't

even know what my problem is?

- All right, what's
your problem?

- Well, I have
this mental block.

Well, it's not a block.

I mean, you don't
build things with it.

It's more of a...

No, it's not that either.

It's a...

Well, I keep thinking
of this horrible...

- This horrible what?

- Well, how do you like that.

It's gone.

Boy, you're amazing.

One treatment and you cured me.

- I didn't...

- You got a great
future as a psychologist.

(audience laughing)

- No, Mr. Kimball I
am not a psychologist.

It's my wife who's
taking psychology.

- Well, you be
sure to thank her.

She saved my life.

(audience laughing)

- Where's Mrs. Douglas,
I wanna thank her.

- For what?

- She saved my romance.

Thanks to her advice, Darlene
and I are back together again.

Boy, she's a great
psychoanalyst.

- She's not a psychoanalyst.

- Then, what is she?

- I've often wondered
the same thing.

(audience laughing)

Hi.

- Oh hello there.

How's the new farming coming?

- Oh fine, fine.

- I'm studying
for class tonight.

- I thought you'd
read all those books.

- These are new ones.

They're on abnormal psychology.

- You're not ready
for anything like that.

You don't even know
basic psychology.

- Then, how come I
saved Eb's romance?

- Oh, you didn't.

- And what about Mr. Kimball,

I solved his problem.

- You didn't solve it.

- He doesn't see that horrible
thing anymore, does he?

- You had nothing to...

Look, this is
getting ridiculous.

First, you got people
believing you're a psychologist,

and then, a psychoanalyst.

The next thing you
know, somebody will

be calling you a psychiatrist.

(knocking)

(grunting)

Oh, Mr. Ziffel.

- Is the doctor home?

- The doctor?

- Oh, there you are, doctor.

- Oh, hello there, Mr. Ziffel.

Hello Arnold.

(grunting)

- I come over to see you
about a problem, doctor.

- Oh, I'll be glad to help you.

What's wrong?

- Well, you see, doctor...

- Will you stop
calling her doctor.

- Well, what else would
you call psychiatrist?

(audience laughing)

- She is not a psychiatrist.

- Well, she saved Eb's
romance, didn't she?

- Oh, that was... (grunting)

- Arnold says she saved
Hank Kimball's life, too.

- She didn't save his life.

(grunting)

- Oh, don't pay no
attention to him, Arnold.

He just sore because
he ain't doin' too good

with his own studies.

- I'm doing fine.

- Oh yeah?

Well, how come you're
still on chapter seven?

(audience laughing)

- What is your
problem, Mr. Ziffel?

- Well, doctor, it
really ain't my problem.

It's Arnold's.

He's been very depressed lately.

- What's the trouble, Arnold?

(grunting)

Lie down on the couch.

(grunting)

- [Oliver] Get off of the couch.

- Oliver, don't interfere.

All right, Arnold, start
from the beginning.

(grunting)

And then what?

(grunting)

(audience laughing)

- Howdy, Mr. Douglas!

- Hi, Mr. Haney.

- And how is the
organical farming coming?

- Oh, fine, fine.

- Well, still on
chapter seven, huh?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, chapter seven.

- Well, I wouldn't
worry about it.

What if you do flunk out?

- I'm not...

- It'll just be one
more failure on your

already impressive
list of failures.

(audience laughing)

- Look, I don't...

- Fortunately, you
can afford to be a loser

now that your wife is a
successful psychiatrist.

- She's not a psychiatrist.

- Then how come Arnold's
paying her $25 an hour?

- Look, Mr. Haney
you're wasting my time.

- Oh, then I'll be on my way,

soon as you give me the $200.

- $200?

- Cash is acceptable.

- For what?

- I'll show ya.

- No, no, no, no, not
on the organical, organic

C'mon follow me.

All right, what is it this time?

- Ain't she a beauty?

Your wife has good taste.

- My wife ordered this?

- Every psychiatrist
needs a prefessional couch.

- She is not a...

- You'll notice it's covered
with genuine unborn

armadilla hide.

(audience laughing)

- Unborn amra...

- And stuffed with
stay-press flamingo feathers.

(audience laughing)

- Now, if you'll
just get this piece

of junk out of here.

- Junk?

I'll have you know
this is the very couch

used by that famous
psychoanalyst Sigmund Frude.

- Sigmund Frude?

- Or Siggy baby as Marie
Antoinette used to call him.

She was his first
patient, you know.

- They weren't even
around at the same time.

- Oh, they was very careful
not to be seen together,

but manys a time Siggy
psychoed Marie on this very couch.

- Now, that's the most...

- Now, if you'll just give
me a hand, and the $200.

- Yeah, well take
it out of here, huh.

- But Mrs. Douglas ordered this.

- I'll take care
of Mrs. Douglas.

- But Mr...

Well, I'd better get this
back to the ladies' lounge

at the bus depot
before they miss it.

(audience laughing)

- Lisa!

What the...?

Mr. Drucker what are
you doing on my couch?

- Oh, it's not what you think.

We were just having a session.

Well, I mean we were...

- Well, I was just trying
to help Mr. Drucker

with his problem.

- Yeah, she sure did help me.

Though when I came in here,

I was a bundle of
repressions and I had a

what was that I had again?

- An Oedipus complex.

That's where you
hate your mother.

- That's not what...

- I read that in abnormals
it was in book eight

chapter nine.

- Lisa, you don't
have the slightest idea

of what you're talking about.

- Oh no?

Well, how come I don't
hate my mother anymore?

When I came in here,
I couldn't stand her.

Your wife sure helped me.

- She can't help anybody.

- She saved Arnold's
life, didn't she?

- No, that was Arnold's romance,

it was Kimball's,
no, no, Eb's...

- Mr. Douglas you
sound a little mixed up.

Why don't you lie down?

- Yes, I think I
can squeeze you in

tomorrow at two o'clock.

- Well, that's my appointment,

but I guess you
need it more than I do.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Drucker,
there aren't gonna

be any more appointments.

This whole thing
is now finished.

(knocking)

Come in!

- Can you take
Henry now, doctor?

- What the...
- Arnold recommended you.

Henry has an identity problem.

- I don't...
- He thinks he's a duck.

(quacking)

- I don't think there
is anything in the book

about a quacking goat.

But if you would like to
lie down on the couch?

- Oh no, no!

Out! Out! Out!

- Wait a minute.

- What's the matter?

- What makes you
think that I want to sleep

with a man who had me
disbarred from the doctor business?

- Oh Lisa.

You could've gotten
into a lot of trouble.

It's illegal to practice
psychiatry without a license.

- I didn't say I
was a psychiatrist.

- No, but the people
thought you were

and they took your
cockamamie advice.

- Does this mean the end
of my psychology course?

- I'm afraid so.

- And what am I supposed to
do on Tuesdays and Thursdays?

- Take another course.

- Like what?

- Well, I don't know.

Check the menu
there, the pamphlet.

Now, if you don't
mind I'm going to sleep.

- Good night, darling.

- Good night.

- Accounting, agriculture,
business management,

biology, nuclear physics.

(audience laughing)

("Green Acres Theme")

- [Eva] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.