Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 6, Episode 23 - The Hole in the Porch - full transcript
Oliver's really bad day starts when Kimball falls through the dry-rotted front porch and sprains his ankle. After Lisa moves the injured patient their bedroom to recuperate, he blows non-stop on his kazoo whenever he wants something. Ralph Monroe shows up wearing in a nurse's uniform from a theater production to care for her "Hankie" and throw herself at him while he can't run away. Self-appointed "attorney" Haney tries to soak Oliver with a $50,000 lawsuit, and local farmers bring their livestock into the bedroom for Kimball's animal clinic. Oliver finally storms out in search of a saloon.
(upbeat music)
- Wrench.
- Wrench.
(groans)
- What's the idea?
- That's what they always
do in those medical shows.
The doctor says
wrench and the assistant
slaps it into his hand.
- I'm not a doctor.
- You're not a plumber either.
- Flashlight.
- Flashlight!
- You do that once
more I'm gonna.
- What are you looking for?
- I'm trying to find the leak.
- Oh, there's an easier
way to find it than that.
- Turn it off!
- Wasn't that easy?
- Eb.
- Easy but messy.
- Hello there, what's going on?
- Mr. Douglas
is fixing the sink.
- Oh boy, when you
work you really sweat.
- That's water form the leak.
- Which side of
your face is leaking?
- It's the trap, I'll
have to get a new one.
- You better get some new
boards for the front porch.
- Why?
- They're starting to give
way, I almost went through it.
- All right, I'll fix it.
- You better fix the
light in the bathroom too.
- What's wrong with that?
- Well, when you pull the chain
the light doesn't go
on but the water runs.
- You're pulling
the wrong chain.
- I can't tell, it's
too dark in there.
- Lisa, please...
- And another thing, you
better fix the stove door.
- What's wrong with that?
- Come, I'll show you.
(upbeat music)
That.
(upbeat music)
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that country side
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye city life
♪ Green Acres we are there
(upbeat music)
- See how rotten the boards are?
- I wonder if that's termites.
- Are you kidding?
No self respecting
termite would eat this stuff.
- This is dry rot.
- The story of your life.
- Look, I don't
need your wise...
- Oliver, when are you
going to fix the sink?
I need to use the water.
- As soon as I fix the porch.
- He's got dry rot.
- In the kitchen
he's got wet rot.
- You name a
rot and he's got it.
- Look, I'll go into Drucker's
and get some boards
to fix the porch and then
I'll get a trap for your sink.
- What are you going
to get for my room?
- What do you need?
- A colored television
set would be nice.
- Oh, Oliver you can't
leave the porch like that,
somebody could hurt themselves.
- Oh, yeah, get
me that plank Eb.
- Right.
Where do you want it?
- Right here.
(groans)
You stupid!
- Well, you said right here.
- Yes you did.
- Excuse me honey,
move back a little.
That'll do it, alright,
I'll get my coat, go to
Drucker's, I'll fix everything.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat jingle)
- Well, somebody can trip
over that and hurt themselves.
Boy, some people
are so careless.
(groaning)
Well that's a
fine kettle of fish.
That's not a kettle it's a...
- Mr. Kimball.
Oh, hi Mr. Douglas, excuse
me for not standing up.
- How did you do that?
- Do what?
- Put your foot
through the porch.
- Oh, no thanks, I just did.
- What happened to
the board that was there?
- I threw it away.
Yeah, somebody
might have tripped
over it and hurt themselves.
- Is your foot alright?
- Yeah, seems to be fine.
- No, no, I meant the other one.
- I can't tell,
it's in the hole.
- Well take it out.
Let me help you,
let me help you.
- [Mr. Kimball] It's stuck.
(groaning)
- There, okay?
- Oh, it's fine.
Well, it's not fine, it's a,
do you mind if I scream?
(screams)
- [Oliver] Wait a minute,
hold it, hold it, hold it.
I got you, come on in the house.
(upbeat music)
- Hey, what have you
two been drinking?
- We haven't been drinking.
- Then why are you
staggering together?
- Mr. Kimball put his
foot through the porch.
- Oh, that's terrible, did you
hurt yourself Mr. Kimball?
- Well, not really,
just a minor.
(groans)
Oh, oh, it's not minor.
- I better take a look at it.
Oliver it's all swollen.
- It's probably a sprain.
- It looks more like
a whiplash to me.
- Lisa, will you
get me an ice bag?
- Oh that's a fine thing,
he hurt his ankle and you
want to cure your hangover.
- Will you get me
an ice bag please?
- I threw it away.
- Why?
- The ice melted.
- You just sit
here, take it easy.
I'll run into Drucker's
and get an ice bag.
- Mr. Kimball,
why don't you just
lie down and rest your foot.
There you are, there.
(groans)
Oh, the swelling
is getting bigger,
you better take your
shoe and socks off.
- Would you mind
turning your back please?
- What for?
- Well, my mother
told me to never show
my naked foot to a girl.
- Oh that's alright,
I've seen plenty of
naked feet before.
- Boy, you city folks
sure are sophisticated.
- Come on, you better
take your shoes off.
- Oh no, listen, I'll
go home and then I...
(screams)
- Come on Mr. Kimball,
you better just wait here
until my husband gets back.
(upbeat music)
- What's the name of it?
- I don't know, it's
that after shave lotion
advertised on TV.
- Well, they
advertise a lot of them,
which one is it?
- Well it's the one that
makes the girls run after you.
- Oh, they all
say they'll do that.
- Yeah, but this one, the
girls not only chase you,
but when they catch you
they jump all over you.
- What do you want with that?
- Well, it aint for
me it's for Arnold.
(oinking)
He says he'll take a jumbo size.
- Well what does
he want with it?
- Lately he's been
striking out with the girls.
(oinking)
He says that sexy
aftershave lotion might help.
- Well, this is the one I use.
(oinking)
- Arnold says no thank you.
He's seen the
kind of girls you get.
- Now look here Fred
I, oh, hi Mr. Douglas.
- Oh, hi Mr. Drucker,
Mr. Ziffel.
(oinking)
You too.
Mr. Drucker, I want... (oinking)
What's he sniffing at?
- He wants to know
the name of the
aftershave lotion you wearing.
- Oh, it's something
called brawny lime.
(oinking)
- He says that's the stuff
he's been striking out with.
- There's something
you wanted Mr. Douglas?
- Yes, I want an ice bag.
- Got another hangover?
- It's not for me,
it's for Mr. Kimball.
- Oh, you've been
teaching him how to drink.
- He sprained his ankle.
- How did he do that?
- He fell through
my front porch.
- Is he hurt bad?
- No, no, nothing
serious, just a slight sprain.
(upbeat music)
- There, how's that?
- That's great,
well, not great, it's a,
don't you think you
should've taken off the shoe
before you put on the bandage?
- Mr. Kimball, I was a girl
scout in Hungary and the
first rule was, to always
bandage with the shoe on.
That way, when the foot gets
well and you take the bandage
off you already
have your shoe on.
- Well, that makes sense.
Well, doesn't make sense it's a,
well I think I better go home.
- Oh, no, no, no,
you shouldn't move.
Let me see, how about putting.
(screams)
I'm sorry.
Is that better?
- Oh, yeah, fine, thank you.
- Is there anything else?
- Oh no, no, you don't
want to fuss over me,
you just go do what
you have to do and I'll,
do happen to have
another pillow for my head?
- Why yes, of course.
Here we are, there
you, there, there you are.
I better bring in a bell
so you can ring if
you want something.
- That won't be
necessary, if I want anything
I'll just toot on my kazoo.
- You'll do what?
- Toot on my kazoo.
(upbeat jingle)
- Oh, that's pretty.
- Oh, yeah, I play lead
kazoo in the Hooterville
kazoo and drum port.
Yeah, we march
in all the parades.
Well, not all the parades.
We've been banned
in the city limits.
- Well, you better rest now,
when I hear you toot I'll come.
(kazoo jingle)
Yes?
- Can I have a magazine please?
- I'll get you one.
(upbeat music)
Oh, hello dear.
- Here we are.
Where's Mr. Kimball?
(kazoo jingle)
What's that?
- A kazoo.
- Who's blowing it?
- Mr. Kimball, he's
in the bedroom.
- What for?
- Well, he couldn't
move, I bandaged his foot
and I made him lie down.
(kazoo jingle)
Oh, he wants his
magazine, you better take it
in to him and
I'll put ice in this.
- Why should I?
(kazoo jingle)
Oh, for.
(kazoo jingle)
Will you please stop that.
- Oh, it's you, I was
tooting for Mrs. Douglas.
- Yeah well...
- I think we better
have a system.
I mean, I'll toot charge
for Mrs. Douglas and taps
for when I want you.
(Kazoo jingle)
- Mr. Kimball, why
don't I drive you home?
- I don't think I'd
better, if my mother
saw my foot she'd
get the vapors.
- The vapors?
- Yeah, when she gets
excited she stiffs the gin bottle.
- Well, look...
- Is that magazine for me?
- Oh, yeah.
- Well, that's all,
you can go now.
(kazoo jingle)
- What now?
- I've already read this.
- Got one of those
girly magazines,
you know where the girl
folds out in the middle.
Well, the girl doesn't fold
out in the middle, the...
- Mr. Kimball, why
don't you just rest.
(upbeat music)
- Honey, how's the patient?
- He's resting.
- Good.
Now could you fix the sink
so I could use some water?
- I left the trap in
the car, I'll get it.
- I just heard the bad
news from Mr. Drucker.
Where's my Hanky, where is he?
- He's resting in the
bedroom with his Kazoo.
- Is he still alive?
- All he's got is...
- I heard what he's got,
a bad case of dry rot.
- No, it's Mr. Douglas
who has the dry rot.
- I don't have any...
- So, you're the one
that gave it to him,
I might have known it.
- All he's got is
a sprained ankle.
- Are you a doctor?
- No.
- Well, then keep your
crumby diagnosis to yourself,
I'll take care of Hanky.
- We don't need anybody to...
- Boil some water.
- What for?
- Don't you ever watch
those medical shows,
were they're always
boiling water?
I'll get you some water.
- Look...
- Now bring the bags
into the bedroom.
Hanky I'm here, I'm here.
- Oh, boy.
(kazoo jingle)
- Will you stop that racket.
- My poor darling,
he's delirious,
he doesn't know what he's doing.
- He never did.
Ralph.
- Hankey, don't you know me?
- Oh, yeah, sure, you're the
fellow that fixed my TV set.
I'll send you a check in
the morning, goodbye.
- He's worse off than I thought,
bring my bags over here.
- What do you got
in them anyway?
- Well, that's my nurses bag and
the others my overnight case.
- Overnight?
- Yes, my baby needs
round the clock care.
I'm going to get him back
on his feet if it takes all year.
(upbeat music)
- Now can I use the water?
- No, it's not fixed yet.
- Did you fix the front porch?
- No, I didn't.
- What about the chair?
- I didn't have the...
- What have you
been doing all day?
- Lisa, please.
- Would you quit that banging,
you're giving Hanky a headache.
- I'll give him a...
- You look very pretty
in your nurses outfit.
- Yeah, where'd
you get that outfit?
- Well the Hooterville
theater group did a play
called The Nurses
Dilemma, and I was it.
- You certainly are.
- Why don't you crawl
back under your sink.
Here's Hanky's dinner order.
- Dinner order, we're not...
- I don't mind cooking
for him, and he has to eat.
Fishy sore eyes,
whisked jalapeny,
asparagus tips,
toast, cherish jubilee.
Well, the toast I can handle,
but for the rest we
have to send out.
- Forget it, he'll
eat what we eat.
- Oh, don't you worry Mrs.
Douglas, I'll cook something
for him later.
Right now I have
to get his medicine.
(groans)
- Honey, your face
is leaking again.
- I oughta.
(knocking)
- There's somebody at the door.
- I heard.
- Dry your face and answer it.
(upbeat music)
(kazoo jingle)
(knocking)
(kazoo jingle)
(knocking)
- What do you want?
- Oh, there's somebody
knocking on the front door.
- I heard them.
- Well, dry your
face and answer it.
(upbeat music)
- Oh, Mr. Haney.
- Mr. Douglas, do you know
you've got a great big hole
in the middle of
your front porch?
- Yes, I know.
- Is that the one you
pushed Mr. Kimball into?
- I didn't push him.
- May I see the poor soul?
- Well he's...
- Which ward is he in?
- He's in the bedroom.
- If you'll excuse me I'll
go in and see my client.
- Your client?
- Mr. Kimball, how are you?
- Oh, I'm a...
- Now don't try to answer,
I can see that you're
in mortal agony.
- Oh, he's not in any...
- Will you just sign
right here please?
- Sign what?
- An out of court
settlement for 50,000 dollars.
- 50,000!
He's not getting a nickel.
- Well, in that case, we'll
just have to take you into
court and sue you for
malfeasants of your front porch.
- There's no such law.
- Will 50 thousand be enough
for your incapacitate foot?
- His foot isn't incapacitated.
- Do you realize, he may never
be able to play soccer again?
- Well, I, wouldn't...
- Don't talk, you're
in too much pain.
- Oh, he's not in any pain.
(screams)
- There, that's pain
if I ever heard it.
I think we better
ask for 60,000.
- Goodbye Mr. Haney.
- I haven't got your check yet.
- You're not getting it.
- Of course, we may be
willing to settle for less,
shall we say 25 dollars?
- Out!
Of all the.
(kazoo jingle)
I'm going to shove that kazoo.
What do you want now?
- I seem to be getting
a ringing in my head.
- A ringing?
- Yeah, you know.
(ringing)
- Well, I don't know
what that... (ringing)
- There it goes again.
- That's the telephone.
- Oh, boy, thank goodness,
I thought there was
something wrong with my head.
- Nothing that plugging
up the holes won't fix.
(upbeat music)
- It's time for
your pill sweetie.
- What are they?
- Well, the green
one's a pain killer
and the red one's a love potion.
- Oh, I'll take the green one,
save the red one
in case I meet a girl.
- If you weren't in
such pain I'd bout you.
(upbeat music)
- That was your mother,
she wanted to know when
you were coming home to dinner.
- Oh gee, I'd better...
- Lie down.
- No, you don't
understand, I... (groans)
- See, you're still in pain.
You're in no condition to leave.
- No, he's not in any...
- You're spending
the night here.
- He is not.
- What are you,
some kind of a sadist?
- I can't spend the night here.
I didn't bring my jammies.
- You can wear a pair of his.
- Now, see here...
- Get them.
(upbeat music)
- Don't you have any with
bunny rabbits on them?
- No.
- Here, let me help
you get undressed.
- Get your hands off me.
- It's all right, I'm a nurse.
- Let go of me, let go of me.
- Hold still.
(groans)
- I'll see you two later.
- Mr. Douglas, don't leave me.
Help, help!
(upbeat jingle)
- What is going on here?
- Ralph wants to undress me.
- He has to get
into his pajamas.
- Well, I'll put them on him.
- Fine.
- Just a minute, I'll
put them on for him.
(soft music)
(intense music)
(upbeat jingle)
- Oliver, Mr. Kimball
is tooting for you.
- I heard him.
- Well, you better go and
see what he's tooting for.
(upbeat jingle)
- What do you want now?
- Would you mind
changing the channel?
We don't like the show.
- Why can't she change it?
- I'm sterile.
- You're...
- Try channel two.
They have a lumpy
louse cartoon on, boy.
(intense music)
- Why don't you go to sleep?
- I'm not sleepy.
- I'm not talking to you.
- My patient isn't
sleepy either.
- I want you to go home
and I want him to go to sleep.
- I'm not leaving my patient.
- Then take him home with you.
- He can't be moved.
- Oliver, will you get
some blankets and pillows?
- What for?
- We'll have to
sleep in the barn.
- I'm not gonna
sleep in the barn.
- Do as you're told.
- Now, see here.
- Must be murder
living with him.
- Ralph, I've had
about enough of you.
- Get the pillows
and the blanket.
Mr. Kimball, is there
anything we can do for you
before we go to bed?
- If he needs
anything, I'll be here.
- I'm not spending the night
alone in this room with you.
- You don't have
anything to worry about
as long as I have on
my nurse's uniform.
- Oh, you'd better
go home, Ralph.
If he needs anything, he can
always toot for Mr. Douglas.
- If he toots for me...
- Goodnight, Mr. Kimball.
- Goodnight, Hanky.
Would you like a little
mouth to mouth resuscitation
before I leave?
- Ralph!
Ralph!
(yells)
(soft music)
- Oliver, how did you sleep?
- Terrible.
Didn't close an eye all night.
- Neither did I.
- How did you get here?
- I crawled out here
during the night.
- Why did you do that?
- Well, I was afraid
to stay in the house
alone in the dark.
- Oh, you.
- Mr. Kimball, how is your foot?
- Hmm, oh.
It's much... (yells)
- Oliver, you better carry
him back into the house.
- Me, carry him?
(soft music)
- You finally did it.
- Yep, I did it.
(knocking)
- Oliver, there's somebody
knocking at the door.
- I heard.
(upbeat jingle)
I heard.
(upbeat jingle)
(knocking)
- Is Mr. Kimball here?
- Yes.
- Good, I was over
to his office and there
was a sign hanging
on his door said he was
holding his animal
clinic here today.
- His animal clinic?
- Yes, where is he?
- Well, he's in
the bedroom but...
- Come on, fellas.
(quacking)
- Who was it?
- Some fella came over
with a bunch of ducks
to see Mr. Kimball.
- Oh, isn't that nice?
All his friends are
coming over to visit him.
- No, they're not his
friends... (knocking)
- Mr. Kimball here?
- In the bedroom.
- Come on, Ellen.
- [Oliver] Wait just a
second, you can't, no...
(bleating)
- He certainly
has a lot of friends.
- They're not friends.
He's running an animal
clinic in our bedroom.
(mooing)
(knocking)
- Oliver, there is
somebody else at the door.
- Oh, for...
- You'll find Mr. Kimball
in the bedroom.
(mooing)
- I'm leaving.
- Where are you going?
- To the nearest saloon.
(loud clatter)
- Oliver, what happened?
Oliver, Oliver,
are you all right?
- Do I look all right?
- Don't worry darling, I
know just what to do for it.
How does your ankle feel, dear?
- It's much better.
- She's talking to me.
- Oh, sorry.
- Is there anything
else you want, darling?
- Oh no thanks, I'm fine.
- Will you keep out of this?
- Do you want me
to turn on the TV?
- Yeah.
- No, I want to get some sleep.
- I brought somebody
over to cheer you up.
- I don't want to see anybody.
- Not you, they've
come to see Hanky.
Okay, fellas.
(upbeat music)
- It's the Kazoo Corps.
(upbeat music)
- Isn't that beautiful?
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] This has been a
Filmways Presentation, darling.
- Wrench.
- Wrench.
(groans)
- What's the idea?
- That's what they always
do in those medical shows.
The doctor says
wrench and the assistant
slaps it into his hand.
- I'm not a doctor.
- You're not a plumber either.
- Flashlight.
- Flashlight!
- You do that once
more I'm gonna.
- What are you looking for?
- I'm trying to find the leak.
- Oh, there's an easier
way to find it than that.
- Turn it off!
- Wasn't that easy?
- Eb.
- Easy but messy.
- Hello there, what's going on?
- Mr. Douglas
is fixing the sink.
- Oh boy, when you
work you really sweat.
- That's water form the leak.
- Which side of
your face is leaking?
- It's the trap, I'll
have to get a new one.
- You better get some new
boards for the front porch.
- Why?
- They're starting to give
way, I almost went through it.
- All right, I'll fix it.
- You better fix the
light in the bathroom too.
- What's wrong with that?
- Well, when you pull the chain
the light doesn't go
on but the water runs.
- You're pulling
the wrong chain.
- I can't tell, it's
too dark in there.
- Lisa, please...
- And another thing, you
better fix the stove door.
- What's wrong with that?
- Come, I'll show you.
(upbeat music)
That.
(upbeat music)
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that country side
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye city life
♪ Green Acres we are there
(upbeat music)
- See how rotten the boards are?
- I wonder if that's termites.
- Are you kidding?
No self respecting
termite would eat this stuff.
- This is dry rot.
- The story of your life.
- Look, I don't
need your wise...
- Oliver, when are you
going to fix the sink?
I need to use the water.
- As soon as I fix the porch.
- He's got dry rot.
- In the kitchen
he's got wet rot.
- You name a
rot and he's got it.
- Look, I'll go into Drucker's
and get some boards
to fix the porch and then
I'll get a trap for your sink.
- What are you going
to get for my room?
- What do you need?
- A colored television
set would be nice.
- Oh, Oliver you can't
leave the porch like that,
somebody could hurt themselves.
- Oh, yeah, get
me that plank Eb.
- Right.
Where do you want it?
- Right here.
(groans)
You stupid!
- Well, you said right here.
- Yes you did.
- Excuse me honey,
move back a little.
That'll do it, alright,
I'll get my coat, go to
Drucker's, I'll fix everything.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat jingle)
- Well, somebody can trip
over that and hurt themselves.
Boy, some people
are so careless.
(groaning)
Well that's a
fine kettle of fish.
That's not a kettle it's a...
- Mr. Kimball.
Oh, hi Mr. Douglas, excuse
me for not standing up.
- How did you do that?
- Do what?
- Put your foot
through the porch.
- Oh, no thanks, I just did.
- What happened to
the board that was there?
- I threw it away.
Yeah, somebody
might have tripped
over it and hurt themselves.
- Is your foot alright?
- Yeah, seems to be fine.
- No, no, I meant the other one.
- I can't tell,
it's in the hole.
- Well take it out.
Let me help you,
let me help you.
- [Mr. Kimball] It's stuck.
(groaning)
- There, okay?
- Oh, it's fine.
Well, it's not fine, it's a,
do you mind if I scream?
(screams)
- [Oliver] Wait a minute,
hold it, hold it, hold it.
I got you, come on in the house.
(upbeat music)
- Hey, what have you
two been drinking?
- We haven't been drinking.
- Then why are you
staggering together?
- Mr. Kimball put his
foot through the porch.
- Oh, that's terrible, did you
hurt yourself Mr. Kimball?
- Well, not really,
just a minor.
(groans)
Oh, oh, it's not minor.
- I better take a look at it.
Oliver it's all swollen.
- It's probably a sprain.
- It looks more like
a whiplash to me.
- Lisa, will you
get me an ice bag?
- Oh that's a fine thing,
he hurt his ankle and you
want to cure your hangover.
- Will you get me
an ice bag please?
- I threw it away.
- Why?
- The ice melted.
- You just sit
here, take it easy.
I'll run into Drucker's
and get an ice bag.
- Mr. Kimball,
why don't you just
lie down and rest your foot.
There you are, there.
(groans)
Oh, the swelling
is getting bigger,
you better take your
shoe and socks off.
- Would you mind
turning your back please?
- What for?
- Well, my mother
told me to never show
my naked foot to a girl.
- Oh that's alright,
I've seen plenty of
naked feet before.
- Boy, you city folks
sure are sophisticated.
- Come on, you better
take your shoes off.
- Oh no, listen, I'll
go home and then I...
(screams)
- Come on Mr. Kimball,
you better just wait here
until my husband gets back.
(upbeat music)
- What's the name of it?
- I don't know, it's
that after shave lotion
advertised on TV.
- Well, they
advertise a lot of them,
which one is it?
- Well it's the one that
makes the girls run after you.
- Oh, they all
say they'll do that.
- Yeah, but this one, the
girls not only chase you,
but when they catch you
they jump all over you.
- What do you want with that?
- Well, it aint for
me it's for Arnold.
(oinking)
He says he'll take a jumbo size.
- Well what does
he want with it?
- Lately he's been
striking out with the girls.
(oinking)
He says that sexy
aftershave lotion might help.
- Well, this is the one I use.
(oinking)
- Arnold says no thank you.
He's seen the
kind of girls you get.
- Now look here Fred
I, oh, hi Mr. Douglas.
- Oh, hi Mr. Drucker,
Mr. Ziffel.
(oinking)
You too.
Mr. Drucker, I want... (oinking)
What's he sniffing at?
- He wants to know
the name of the
aftershave lotion you wearing.
- Oh, it's something
called brawny lime.
(oinking)
- He says that's the stuff
he's been striking out with.
- There's something
you wanted Mr. Douglas?
- Yes, I want an ice bag.
- Got another hangover?
- It's not for me,
it's for Mr. Kimball.
- Oh, you've been
teaching him how to drink.
- He sprained his ankle.
- How did he do that?
- He fell through
my front porch.
- Is he hurt bad?
- No, no, nothing
serious, just a slight sprain.
(upbeat music)
- There, how's that?
- That's great,
well, not great, it's a,
don't you think you
should've taken off the shoe
before you put on the bandage?
- Mr. Kimball, I was a girl
scout in Hungary and the
first rule was, to always
bandage with the shoe on.
That way, when the foot gets
well and you take the bandage
off you already
have your shoe on.
- Well, that makes sense.
Well, doesn't make sense it's a,
well I think I better go home.
- Oh, no, no, no,
you shouldn't move.
Let me see, how about putting.
(screams)
I'm sorry.
Is that better?
- Oh, yeah, fine, thank you.
- Is there anything else?
- Oh no, no, you don't
want to fuss over me,
you just go do what
you have to do and I'll,
do happen to have
another pillow for my head?
- Why yes, of course.
Here we are, there
you, there, there you are.
I better bring in a bell
so you can ring if
you want something.
- That won't be
necessary, if I want anything
I'll just toot on my kazoo.
- You'll do what?
- Toot on my kazoo.
(upbeat jingle)
- Oh, that's pretty.
- Oh, yeah, I play lead
kazoo in the Hooterville
kazoo and drum port.
Yeah, we march
in all the parades.
Well, not all the parades.
We've been banned
in the city limits.
- Well, you better rest now,
when I hear you toot I'll come.
(kazoo jingle)
Yes?
- Can I have a magazine please?
- I'll get you one.
(upbeat music)
Oh, hello dear.
- Here we are.
Where's Mr. Kimball?
(kazoo jingle)
What's that?
- A kazoo.
- Who's blowing it?
- Mr. Kimball, he's
in the bedroom.
- What for?
- Well, he couldn't
move, I bandaged his foot
and I made him lie down.
(kazoo jingle)
Oh, he wants his
magazine, you better take it
in to him and
I'll put ice in this.
- Why should I?
(kazoo jingle)
Oh, for.
(kazoo jingle)
Will you please stop that.
- Oh, it's you, I was
tooting for Mrs. Douglas.
- Yeah well...
- I think we better
have a system.
I mean, I'll toot charge
for Mrs. Douglas and taps
for when I want you.
(Kazoo jingle)
- Mr. Kimball, why
don't I drive you home?
- I don't think I'd
better, if my mother
saw my foot she'd
get the vapors.
- The vapors?
- Yeah, when she gets
excited she stiffs the gin bottle.
- Well, look...
- Is that magazine for me?
- Oh, yeah.
- Well, that's all,
you can go now.
(kazoo jingle)
- What now?
- I've already read this.
- Got one of those
girly magazines,
you know where the girl
folds out in the middle.
Well, the girl doesn't fold
out in the middle, the...
- Mr. Kimball, why
don't you just rest.
(upbeat music)
- Honey, how's the patient?
- He's resting.
- Good.
Now could you fix the sink
so I could use some water?
- I left the trap in
the car, I'll get it.
- I just heard the bad
news from Mr. Drucker.
Where's my Hanky, where is he?
- He's resting in the
bedroom with his Kazoo.
- Is he still alive?
- All he's got is...
- I heard what he's got,
a bad case of dry rot.
- No, it's Mr. Douglas
who has the dry rot.
- I don't have any...
- So, you're the one
that gave it to him,
I might have known it.
- All he's got is
a sprained ankle.
- Are you a doctor?
- No.
- Well, then keep your
crumby diagnosis to yourself,
I'll take care of Hanky.
- We don't need anybody to...
- Boil some water.
- What for?
- Don't you ever watch
those medical shows,
were they're always
boiling water?
I'll get you some water.
- Look...
- Now bring the bags
into the bedroom.
Hanky I'm here, I'm here.
- Oh, boy.
(kazoo jingle)
- Will you stop that racket.
- My poor darling,
he's delirious,
he doesn't know what he's doing.
- He never did.
Ralph.
- Hankey, don't you know me?
- Oh, yeah, sure, you're the
fellow that fixed my TV set.
I'll send you a check in
the morning, goodbye.
- He's worse off than I thought,
bring my bags over here.
- What do you got
in them anyway?
- Well, that's my nurses bag and
the others my overnight case.
- Overnight?
- Yes, my baby needs
round the clock care.
I'm going to get him back
on his feet if it takes all year.
(upbeat music)
- Now can I use the water?
- No, it's not fixed yet.
- Did you fix the front porch?
- No, I didn't.
- What about the chair?
- I didn't have the...
- What have you
been doing all day?
- Lisa, please.
- Would you quit that banging,
you're giving Hanky a headache.
- I'll give him a...
- You look very pretty
in your nurses outfit.
- Yeah, where'd
you get that outfit?
- Well the Hooterville
theater group did a play
called The Nurses
Dilemma, and I was it.
- You certainly are.
- Why don't you crawl
back under your sink.
Here's Hanky's dinner order.
- Dinner order, we're not...
- I don't mind cooking
for him, and he has to eat.
Fishy sore eyes,
whisked jalapeny,
asparagus tips,
toast, cherish jubilee.
Well, the toast I can handle,
but for the rest we
have to send out.
- Forget it, he'll
eat what we eat.
- Oh, don't you worry Mrs.
Douglas, I'll cook something
for him later.
Right now I have
to get his medicine.
(groans)
- Honey, your face
is leaking again.
- I oughta.
(knocking)
- There's somebody at the door.
- I heard.
- Dry your face and answer it.
(upbeat music)
(kazoo jingle)
(knocking)
(kazoo jingle)
(knocking)
- What do you want?
- Oh, there's somebody
knocking on the front door.
- I heard them.
- Well, dry your
face and answer it.
(upbeat music)
- Oh, Mr. Haney.
- Mr. Douglas, do you know
you've got a great big hole
in the middle of
your front porch?
- Yes, I know.
- Is that the one you
pushed Mr. Kimball into?
- I didn't push him.
- May I see the poor soul?
- Well he's...
- Which ward is he in?
- He's in the bedroom.
- If you'll excuse me I'll
go in and see my client.
- Your client?
- Mr. Kimball, how are you?
- Oh, I'm a...
- Now don't try to answer,
I can see that you're
in mortal agony.
- Oh, he's not in any...
- Will you just sign
right here please?
- Sign what?
- An out of court
settlement for 50,000 dollars.
- 50,000!
He's not getting a nickel.
- Well, in that case, we'll
just have to take you into
court and sue you for
malfeasants of your front porch.
- There's no such law.
- Will 50 thousand be enough
for your incapacitate foot?
- His foot isn't incapacitated.
- Do you realize, he may never
be able to play soccer again?
- Well, I, wouldn't...
- Don't talk, you're
in too much pain.
- Oh, he's not in any pain.
(screams)
- There, that's pain
if I ever heard it.
I think we better
ask for 60,000.
- Goodbye Mr. Haney.
- I haven't got your check yet.
- You're not getting it.
- Of course, we may be
willing to settle for less,
shall we say 25 dollars?
- Out!
Of all the.
(kazoo jingle)
I'm going to shove that kazoo.
What do you want now?
- I seem to be getting
a ringing in my head.
- A ringing?
- Yeah, you know.
(ringing)
- Well, I don't know
what that... (ringing)
- There it goes again.
- That's the telephone.
- Oh, boy, thank goodness,
I thought there was
something wrong with my head.
- Nothing that plugging
up the holes won't fix.
(upbeat music)
- It's time for
your pill sweetie.
- What are they?
- Well, the green
one's a pain killer
and the red one's a love potion.
- Oh, I'll take the green one,
save the red one
in case I meet a girl.
- If you weren't in
such pain I'd bout you.
(upbeat music)
- That was your mother,
she wanted to know when
you were coming home to dinner.
- Oh gee, I'd better...
- Lie down.
- No, you don't
understand, I... (groans)
- See, you're still in pain.
You're in no condition to leave.
- No, he's not in any...
- You're spending
the night here.
- He is not.
- What are you,
some kind of a sadist?
- I can't spend the night here.
I didn't bring my jammies.
- You can wear a pair of his.
- Now, see here...
- Get them.
(upbeat music)
- Don't you have any with
bunny rabbits on them?
- No.
- Here, let me help
you get undressed.
- Get your hands off me.
- It's all right, I'm a nurse.
- Let go of me, let go of me.
- Hold still.
(groans)
- I'll see you two later.
- Mr. Douglas, don't leave me.
Help, help!
(upbeat jingle)
- What is going on here?
- Ralph wants to undress me.
- He has to get
into his pajamas.
- Well, I'll put them on him.
- Fine.
- Just a minute, I'll
put them on for him.
(soft music)
(intense music)
(upbeat jingle)
- Oliver, Mr. Kimball
is tooting for you.
- I heard him.
- Well, you better go and
see what he's tooting for.
(upbeat jingle)
- What do you want now?
- Would you mind
changing the channel?
We don't like the show.
- Why can't she change it?
- I'm sterile.
- You're...
- Try channel two.
They have a lumpy
louse cartoon on, boy.
(intense music)
- Why don't you go to sleep?
- I'm not sleepy.
- I'm not talking to you.
- My patient isn't
sleepy either.
- I want you to go home
and I want him to go to sleep.
- I'm not leaving my patient.
- Then take him home with you.
- He can't be moved.
- Oliver, will you get
some blankets and pillows?
- What for?
- We'll have to
sleep in the barn.
- I'm not gonna
sleep in the barn.
- Do as you're told.
- Now, see here.
- Must be murder
living with him.
- Ralph, I've had
about enough of you.
- Get the pillows
and the blanket.
Mr. Kimball, is there
anything we can do for you
before we go to bed?
- If he needs
anything, I'll be here.
- I'm not spending the night
alone in this room with you.
- You don't have
anything to worry about
as long as I have on
my nurse's uniform.
- Oh, you'd better
go home, Ralph.
If he needs anything, he can
always toot for Mr. Douglas.
- If he toots for me...
- Goodnight, Mr. Kimball.
- Goodnight, Hanky.
Would you like a little
mouth to mouth resuscitation
before I leave?
- Ralph!
Ralph!
(yells)
(soft music)
- Oliver, how did you sleep?
- Terrible.
Didn't close an eye all night.
- Neither did I.
- How did you get here?
- I crawled out here
during the night.
- Why did you do that?
- Well, I was afraid
to stay in the house
alone in the dark.
- Oh, you.
- Mr. Kimball, how is your foot?
- Hmm, oh.
It's much... (yells)
- Oliver, you better carry
him back into the house.
- Me, carry him?
(soft music)
- You finally did it.
- Yep, I did it.
(knocking)
- Oliver, there's somebody
knocking at the door.
- I heard.
(upbeat jingle)
I heard.
(upbeat jingle)
(knocking)
- Is Mr. Kimball here?
- Yes.
- Good, I was over
to his office and there
was a sign hanging
on his door said he was
holding his animal
clinic here today.
- His animal clinic?
- Yes, where is he?
- Well, he's in
the bedroom but...
- Come on, fellas.
(quacking)
- Who was it?
- Some fella came over
with a bunch of ducks
to see Mr. Kimball.
- Oh, isn't that nice?
All his friends are
coming over to visit him.
- No, they're not his
friends... (knocking)
- Mr. Kimball here?
- In the bedroom.
- Come on, Ellen.
- [Oliver] Wait just a
second, you can't, no...
(bleating)
- He certainly
has a lot of friends.
- They're not friends.
He's running an animal
clinic in our bedroom.
(mooing)
(knocking)
- Oliver, there is
somebody else at the door.
- Oh, for...
- You'll find Mr. Kimball
in the bedroom.
(mooing)
- I'm leaving.
- Where are you going?
- To the nearest saloon.
(loud clatter)
- Oliver, what happened?
Oliver, Oliver,
are you all right?
- Do I look all right?
- Don't worry darling, I
know just what to do for it.
How does your ankle feel, dear?
- It's much better.
- She's talking to me.
- Oh, sorry.
- Is there anything
else you want, darling?
- Oh no thanks, I'm fine.
- Will you keep out of this?
- Do you want me
to turn on the TV?
- Yeah.
- No, I want to get some sleep.
- I brought somebody
over to cheer you up.
- I don't want to see anybody.
- Not you, they've
come to see Hanky.
Okay, fellas.
(upbeat music)
- It's the Kazoo Corps.
(upbeat music)
- Isn't that beautiful?
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] This has been a
Filmways Presentation, darling.