Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 6, Episode 22 - The Carpenter's Ball - full transcript

(bright music)

- Oh doggone it!

- Hello there Mr. Drucker.

- Oh good morning.

- Good morning.

- What are you looking for?

- My hammer.

- Why do you keep
it in the pickle barrel?

- Well I don't...

- Shouldn't you keep it
in the hammer barrel?

- What's a hammer barrel?



- It's like a pickle
barrel, but for hammers.

- There's no such thing.

- Oh, the Carpenters
are having a ball.

Are we going to go?

- Well I...
- Got it!

My bowling trophy.

Well if you folks
would like to go,

Ralph Monroe left
some tickets here.

She's chairman of the
entertainment committee.

- Oh that sounds
like a lot of fun.

- No, not to me it doesn't.

I don't think I'll...

- You'll enjoy it Mr. Douglas.

Well how'd my portable
radio get in here?



- What do they do at the ball?

- Well besides dancing
they have nail driving,

scaffold racing, barrel
rolling, sawhorse racing.

- Oh that sounds
like a lot of fun.

Oliver why don't we go?

- I don't wanna go.

- I don't remember
dropping this in here.

- Yeah, well you...

- Well, it didn't hurt it any.

Pickle juice preserved it.

- Oliver I think you
should buy tickets.

- No, I don't want to go...

- One thing you'll like,
they have a beauty contest.

- Oh?

- Ralph Monroe
came in 2nd last year.

- She did?

Who won?

- A fella named Homer Jenkins.

- A fellow?

- Yeah, they had
to let them enter

because they didn't
have enough pretty girls.

- I think we should go Oliver.

- I told ya, I don't want to go.

- Doggone, a pickle!

Wonder how that got in there.

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

("Green Acres Theme Song")

- Oliver, why don't
we buy tickets?

- I told you, no I don't
wanna go to that stupid ball.

- That proves what
my father always said.

You're a big drag.

- I don't care what
your father said.

- What are we going
to do Saturday night?

- Well I don't know about you,

but I'm gonna watch a
TV special on ecology.

- Who's in it?

- Tiny Tim.

- I like him.

- It's a documentary
on pollution.

- You don't have to watch
TV to know how to get polluted.

- It's not that
kind of pollution.

- What other kind do you know?

- Lisa, what's happening
to our environment

is a lot more important
than going to a dance.

- That's what you always say.

- I never said that before.

- Well then where did I hear it?

- I haven't the fainest idea.

(loud banging)

Well what's, Eb, what
do you think you're doing?

- Oh I'm just practicing
for the nail driving contest.

It's the highlight of the ball.

- And you don't want to go.

- No, I...

- The winner gets a gold
plated hammer worth $6.98 retail!

- And you don't want to go.

- No, I don't.

- Time me.

- Cut that out!

- That was very good.

You did that in four seconds.

- Hey, I'm getting better.

Well of course
this ain't a real test.

This wood's pretty rotten.

- No, it's not rotten.

- Are you going to
take Darlene to the ball?

- Yes ma'am.

Hey that reminds me.

I've gotta go over and see her.

We've gotta practice for
the two handed saw contest.

- Why don't you
practice plowing the field?

- Is that one of the
events at the ball?

- No.

- Then why should I practice it?

- He's right.
- He's not.

- I'll see ya later.

- Eb, come back.
- Howdy doody.

- Hello there Ralph.

- Are you practicing for
the nail driving contest?

- No, I'm not.

- You'll never get
anywhere with that grip.

Here, let me show ya.

- Will ya stop that?

- That's very good.

You did that in three seconds.

- That's a snap.

This wood is so crummy.

- Look, you...
- Have you bought

your tickets yet for
the Carpenter's Ball?

- I'm not going to the ball.

- Your father was right.

He is a big drag.

- He wants to stay
home and watch TV.

- Well when you get his age,

I guess that's about all the
excitement you can handle.

(laughs)

- Oh you're a funny carpenter.

- You're gonna
miss a big evening.

We're gonna have a steak and
lobster dinner with champagne,

and two dance bands
and $500 in door prizes.

- Oh, that sounds wonderful.

How much are the tickets?

- 50 cents each.

- 50 cents?

- Little too rich for
your blood huh?

- What blood?

- He's not only a
drag, he's anemic.

- If you two ladies
will excuse me.

- Well it looks like I'm
not going to go to your ball.

- Oh that's a shame.

- Who are you going with?

- Well I wouldn't go with
anyone but Hanky Kimball.

- Oh that's nice.

- Yeah, it would be
nice if he'd ask me.

- Doesn't look
like he's going to.

- With a man you
never wait for asking.

You got to take
the bull by the corn.

- Well I can't ask him.

- You don't have to ask.

Just drop a couple of
hints that you're available.

- Well I would if I
could corner him,

but he keeps avoiding me.

- Well pick a spot
where he can't avoid you.

- Hanky!
- Hmm?

- [Ralph] Hanky!

- Holy smokes it's Ralph.

No, I'm trying to
keep Ralph outta here.

- Hanky!

- How'd you get in here?

- I was waiting for
you in the closet.

- Oh well that's a good
place to wait, yeah.

Why don't you go back
and wait 'til I get here.

- I was gonna ask if you
wanna go to the Carpenter's Ball.

- Oh of course, I
never miss that.

Well, not never.

I did miss one.

Or was it two.

No, it was, come to think of it,

I've never been to one.

- How would you
like to go this year?

- Oh gee, I'd like to,
but I haven't got a date.

- Oh.

I haven't got a date either.

- Then why don't we go stag

and see if we can pick
up a couple of girls?

- If you didn't have
such an animal attraction

I'd belt you.

Are you gonna take me to the
dance Saturday night or not?

- Saturday night huh?

Oh, just remembered, I'm busy.

- Doing what?

- Well I have to
sit with my mother.

That's her night
to get the bends.

- The bends?

- Yeah see Saturday
she goes deep sea diving

and then Saturday night she
comes home with the bends.

- Hanky.

- Oh say, that reminds
me, oh I gotta go home

and check her air valve.

She's been getting
bubbles in her head piece.

- Hey look, I'm starved.

What's for lunch?

- Why don't you
look in the refrigerator

and see what's up for grabs?

- Oh now look.

What are you doing?

- Figuring out
how to help Ralph.

That poor girl just called.

She's got a problem.

- Yes, I've seen her.

- Oliver.

She want Mr. Kimball
to take her to the ball.

But he can't.

Because his mother
has bubbles in her head.

- Bubbles in her head.

She's probably been
listening to too many

Lawrence Welk records.

- Oh, if I could just figure out

how to get Mr. Kimball
to take her out.

- Take my advice,
don't interfere.

If he doesn't wanna
take her, that's up to him.

- But he thinks he
doesn't want to take her.

But after I have a
little talk with him,

he'll change his mind.

- Just what are you
gonna say to him?

- I haven't figured
that out yet.

- Well do you mind if I have
lunch while you're figuring?

- Never could face a crisis.

How to get Mr. Kimball?

I think I've got it.

Oh hello there Mr Kimball.

I was just going up
the pole to call you.

- Oh well you go
right ahead, I'll wait.

- As long as you are
here I can talk to you

without the pole.

- Oh yeah, I guess
you could do that.

- Well what I was going to say.

Oh, by the way, did
you get the bubbles

out of your mother's head yet?

- Bubbles?

Oh, (laughs) no
that was just a story

I told Ralph to get out
of taking her to the ball.

- Why don't you
want to take her?

Don't you like her?

- Oh she's not too bad.

Well she's not too good either.

Well, she does have some nice,

well they're not really nice,

they're um, I'll say
one thing for her.

She's a mess.

- Mr. Kimball, that's not
a very nice thing to say.

- Well I didn't mean it...

- If you don't take
Ralph to the ball,

who are you going to take?

- Oh I'm not going.

I don't have a date.

- Would you go if
you did have one?

- Oh sure.

- How would you like to take me?

- Take you where?

- To the ball.

What do you say?

- Well it's fine with me, but
what about what's his name?

- Don't worry about
what's his name.

- Then it's a date.

You can pick me up
Saturday night about eight.

- I thought you
would pick me up.

- Where?
- Here.

- What about what's his name?

- Oh he'll be watching TV.

- Hey that's smart.

You keep him busy while we're,

well you know what I mean.

(laughs and clicks tongue)

- Then I'll see you
Saturday night.

(clicks tongue)

- Right. (laughs)

Well so long, Lis.

- Did you solve
your problem yet?

- Yes Oliver, I'm going
to ball with another man.

- That's fine.

- [Lisa] Don't you
want to know who it is?

- No.

But I have a feeling
you'll tell me anyhow.

- I'm going to ball
with Mr. Kimball.

- Mr. Kimball!

- Now I suppose you want to know

why I am going with Mr. Kimball.

- So you can get him to the ball

and then turn him over to Ralph.

- Well, you're not as dumb
as my father said you were.

- Didn't your father ever
say anything nice about me?

- He did once.

But I don't remember
what it was.

- I still think you should
mind your own business.

- If I did, I wouldn't
be a true Hungarian.

- I don't believe it.

- Well I'll tell ya it's true.

- Well why would Mrs.
Douglas want to go to the ball

with Hank Kimball.

- Well that's what
I can't understand

when I'm available.

- Does Mr. Douglas
know about it?

- I doubt it.

He's not too bright.

- Well I just can't believe it.

- Well I guess the
marriage is over.

But I saw it coming.

- Why would they split up?

- Well I guess his
being such a big drag

had something to do with it.

- Hi Fred, hi Sam.

- Oh hello Haney.

- Well, free coffee?

- I guess so.

- You fellas heard the sad news?

- About Hank Kimball
and Mrs. Douglas?

- Yep.

They're running off
together to Acapulco

Saturday night.

- Oh that's the silliest thing.

- Acapulco huh?

Well I heard they's just
going to the ball together.

- That's their cover story.

While Mr. Douglas is
watching his ecologist special,

they'll be sipping margaritas
on the lovebird flight.

- That's nonsense.

Mrs. Douglas isn't
that kind of a woman.

- That's what they
said about Cleopatra

just before she run
off with Richard Burton.

- Cleopatra didn't...

- I still can't figure why
she picked Hank Kimball.

- Well I've heard he has
a certain animal attraction.

- Well I never seen no
dogs running after him.

- It ain't that
kind of attraction.

It's the kind that
made Toby Wing

run off with Wallace Berry.

- Oh for the love of...

- My wife had a big
thing for Wallace Berry.

I wish he'da took
her instead of Toby.

- You two better stop
spreading this rumor.

- It ain't no rumor.

- I kinda hate to see the
Douglas marriage break up.

- Maybe it don't have to.

Maybe I can salvage it.

- What do you got in mind Haney?

- Sam, I ain't one to let a
marriage go down the drain

when they might be a few
dollars stuffed in the pipe.

(bright music)

Heya.

- Well hello there Mr. Haney.

- Hello old chum.

- Old chum?

- Oh doggone, you
look as woe be gone

as a catfish in
dried up mud lark.

- What does that...

- Is Mrs. Douglas around?

- No.

- She never is anymore is she?

No wonder you look

as sad as a pelican with
a mouthful of porcupine.

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

And I don't think you do either.

- Well I guess the husband

is always the last
one to find out.

- Find out what?

- My card.

- Haney's marriage
salvage service.

- For the nominal fee of $200

I will see that your
wife don't leave ya.

- Leave me?

My wife isn't going to...

- Mr. Douglas, it
pains me to tell ya

that your wife is involved
with another man.

Who shall be nameless.

- Oh Mr. Haney.

- So from now on we shall
refer to him as Hank nameless.

Or no name
Kimball if you prefer.

- Hank Kimball?

- He's the man your
wife is enameled with.

- That's ridicu, it's
also the wrong word.

It's enamored.

- Do you know what's
happening Saturday night?

- Yes, my wife is going to
the ball with Hank Kimball.

- (laughs) You swallowed
their cover story, huh?

You haven't heard
about their margarita flight

to Acapulco?

- Mr. Haney my wife is...

- Tut tut now, don't
blame it all on her.

You're no Wallace
Berry you know.

- Wallace Berry?

Look, Mr. Haney I...

- Now, now, now, let's
not get over emotionalized.

I am here to help you as
soon as I get your $200.

- I'm not paying you any $200.

- Well I'm sure you'll
change your mind

when I show you the
solution to your problem.

- I don't have a.

- Oh Ms. Solution.

- Ms. Solution?

(swanky music)

- This is Ingrid.

- How do you do?

- Shh, don't say anything
until I get the $200.

Ingrid is a Norwegian import.

- How do you...
- Don't.

We smuggled her in with a
boat load of kippered herring.

- Of all the...

- Now Ingrid will be
your date at the ball.

- How do...
- Shh.

- What, what do
you mean my date?

- Don't you see?

You walk in there with this
ravishing creature on your arm,

your wife'll get
insanely jealous

and she'll come
crawling back to ya.

- Oh boy.

- Now if you'll just
sign this contract.

- I'm not going to...

- As you can see it
contains an if clause.

If things work out
between you and Ingrid

and if you decide
to get married,

there'll be a
small finder's fee.

- Mr. Haney.

You're out of your mind.

Now take Ms. Kippered
Herring and get out of here.

- Well but Mr...
- Goodbye!

- Come on Ingrid.

- What about the
$10 you promised me?

- Get on the truck
or I'll report you

to the immigration department.

- Lisa, Lisa!

- What's the matter?

- I wanna talk to you.

Do you know what you've
done with your meddling?

- No but I'll look
for it you need it.

- Look, will you be serious?

Mr. Haney was just
here to save our marriage.

- From what?

- There's a stupid
rumor going around

that not only are you going
to the ball with Mr. Kimball,

but he's taking you to Acapulco.

- Oh, Mr. Kimball
didn't tell me that part.

- Lisa, will you please.

- That might be fun.

I've never been there.

- Lisa, everyone thinks
you and Mr. Kimball

have a romance going.

- Where did they get that idea?

- Where do the people
around here ever get any ideas?

They make 'em up.

- If Ralph hears about this,
she might misunderstand.

- Yeah, she might.

- I guess I'd better
go and call her

and tell her why I made
the date with Mr. Kimball.

- Lisa, take my advice,
now drop the whole thing.

(knocking at door)

- Well, if it isn't
sexless Harry.

- What?

- If you were man enough
to keep your wife at home

she wouldn't be running
around with my boyfriend.

- She's not running
around with your boyfriend!

- Oh no?

Then why are they
planning to take

the Roman Cola
flight to Rio de Janero?

- They're not take. (sighs)

Look, my wife is up on the pole

trying to phone you right now.

Why don't you go
out and talk to her.

She'll explain.

- What kind of a story
did you give her to tell me?

- I didn't give her any story.

This whole thing was a plan...

- Oh I get it, a plan huh?

You're trying to pawn your
wife off on my boyfriend

so you can do your
thing with Ingrid.

- What thing?

- Well whatever you do
with a kippered herring.

- Oh for...

- You must be pretty
proud of yourself.

You've wrecked four lives.

No, three.

Yours was already a wreck!

- Oh you!

- There wasn't any
answer at Ralph's.

- She was just here.

- Well why didn't you call me?

- I didn't get a chance.

All she did was bawl me out.

- What did you do to her?

- I didn't do anything.

- But did you explain
the misunderstanding?

- She wouldn't listen.

She accused me of
planning the whole thing,

wrecking everybody's life.

- That's what you get for
sticking out your big nose.

- Me?

You're the one who
started this whole mess.

- No, it was you.

If you would have agreed
to take me to the ball

instead of watching TV,

I wouldn't have made
that date with Mr. Kimball.

- You shouldn't
have made the date.

That town's built the whole
thing up into at big scandal.

You're running around
together, going to the ball,

he's flying to Rio
de Janero with you.

- Oh?

He changed his
mind about Acapulco?

- Oh Lisa.

- I better call Mr. Kimball
and straighten him out.

- Just drop it.

- No.

As my father, the
king, always said,

never leave your friends
up the creek without a paddle

because you may meet
them coming down again.

(knocking at the door)

- Oh hello Mr. Kimball.

- Don't hello me.

I just come over to
punch you in the nose.

- What's your problem?

- I'll tell ya my problem, it's.

No that's my mother's problem.

My problem is, uh.

- Mr. Kimball, why don't
you go talk to my wife.

She's trying to...

- That's my problem, your wife.

Did you know she's
running around with me?

- I've heard.

- Well so did my boss.

And when he found
out I was running around

with a married woman,
well he was very put out.

No, he wasn't put out, I was.

He fired me.

- He fired you?

- Yeah, and it's all your fault.

If you kept your wife happy

she wouldn't go
chasing after me.

- She's not chasing after you!

- Then how come she's
planning to take me

to Paris on a champagne flight?

- I don't believe this.

- Well, your little
scheme worked.

- What scheme?

- Yeah, the one to
keep your wife busy

while you're playing
footsy with Ingrid, huh?

The pickled herring girl.

- I am not playing
footsy with her.

- Oh?

What are you playing?

- Goodbye Mr. Kimball.

- Goodbye.

- Oliver, Mr. Kimball
wasn't home either.

- If you'd just hang around
here, you'd meet everybody.

Mr. Kimball was just here.

- What did he want?

- He wanted to
punch me in the nose.

- Now what did you do?

- You did it.

Mr. Kimball was just fired
because of this whole mess.

- Oh that's terrible.

I'd better call his boss
and straighten it out.

- No you don't.

You've done enough
straightening out.

You've got everybody thinking
there's something going on

between you and Kimball,
between me and Ingrid,

everybody is flying...

- Hold it, hold it, let's
back up to you and Ingrid.

Who is she?

- Well she's uh...

- Oh so that's why you wanted
to push me onto Mr. Kimball,

so that you and Ingrid could...

- Oh forget Ingrid.

- You don't seem
to be able to forget it.

You keep mentioning her name.

- Lisa, there's only one
way to stop these rumors.

- I'm glad you decided
to take me to the ball.

- I had no other choice.

When people see us
together they'll stop talking

about our marriage
going on the rocks.

You ready?

- In a minute.

Oh by the way, where are
we going to go after the ball?

- We are coming home.

- I had a better date
with Mr. Kimball.

He was going to
fly me to Acapulco.

- Let's go.

- Oh, you forgot your hammer
for the nail driving contest.

- Come on.

(sad music)

- You're not going to
be much fun at the party.

- I'm not going
there to have fun.

I'm going. (knocking at door)

(playful music)

- Hello dear!

It's so nice to see
you together again.

- Yeah.

Well we talked it
over Mr. Douglas.

And we decided to play your way.

- My way?

- The four of us
will double date.

- Double date?
- Well, let's go.

Come on Lis. (laughs)

- Hey come back here.

She's going with me.

- You don't need her.

I'm your date sweetie.

- I'm not taking
you to the ball.

- Well if you'd rather we
stay home and watch TV.

- We're going to the ball.

- Oliver, when are
you coming to bed?

- [Oliver] In a minute.

- Oh, wasn't it a fun party?

- Oh, a riot.

I don't know how
I let you talk me

into entering that stupid
nail driving contest.

- Well I told you you
should have practiced.

Does it hurt?

- Of course it hurts.

- Well come to bed.

It'll feel better.

- Could we forget
the whole thing?

It was a shambles.

- It wasn't a complete shambles.

You did come in 3rd
in the beauty contest.

- I didn't enter
the beauty contest.

I was just walking by to
get you a drink of water.

Somebody pinned a ribbon on me.

- You could have won it if you
had been nicer to the judges.

- Lisa, I'd like to go to sleep.

- One last thing.

What went on
between you and Ingrid?

- (sighs) I told ya, nothing.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, I'm sure.

- And you won't ever
think of her again?

- No.

Now goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- Lisa.

- What?

- Do we have any kippered
herring in the house?

("Green Acres Theme Song")

- [Woman] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.