Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 6, Episode 10 - Oliver's Double - full transcript
An embezzler who's a dead ringer for Oliver hides out in Pixley with his wife until the heat is off. Eb spots the crook kissing his moll and assumes it's Oliver cheating on "Mom." Haney also spots the look-alike with a blonde and tries to blackmail Oliver into buying a hideous painting by Pablum Picarasso. When the cops show up, the real Oliver's the first one arrested. With both the real and fake Oliver in custody, the authorities ask Lisa to identify who's who.
(upbeat, playful
xylophone and band music)
(Eb whistling)
(happy old time piano music)
- Hey it's Mr. Douglas.
I thought he was going to a...
- Hey you're late.
- I'm sorry Charlie.
(amusing music)
(audience laughs)
- Well I've already bough
the tickets, let's go in.
(amusing xylophone
and muted horns music)
- How about that?
Mr. Douglas went in to
see his own live story.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat, fun xylophone,
guitar and band music)
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Lands spreading
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that country side.
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye city life
♪ Green Acres we are there
(fun, happy band music)
(door clunks)
- Well good morning, Eb.
- You poor woman.
- Why am I a poor woman?
- Because your husband.
Where is he?
- He's still asleep,
he came in very late.
- I'll bet he did.
- He came in exhausted.
- I'll bet he did.
- Why do you keep
saying, "I'll be he did?"
- Because I'll bet he did.
(audience laughs)
Where did Mr. Douglas
say he went last night?
- To a pollution meeting.
- He must have been
polluted to think he could
get away with a story like that.
(audience laughs)
- Eb, are you trying
to tell me something?
- Well...
- Good morning.
- Good morning, darling, mm.
- You'll kiss
anybody, won't you?
- What?
- You're a universal smoocher!
(audience laughs)
- Something wrong with my
kissing my wife good morning?
- I was thinking more about
who you kiss good night,
Mr. Devious.
- Devious?
I guess the Hooterville nutty
season has started again.
(audience laughs)
- I don't think it's so nutty.
(chair scrapes)
- How was the meeting, dear?
- Yes, how was
the meeting, dear?
(audience laughs)
- Well it was about
he pollution problem...
- Sure it was!
- What are you...?
- Want to hear
what I did last night?
- No.
- I went to Pixley.
And I saw a friend of mine.
I should say an
ex-friend of mine.
And he wasn't alone,
if you get my meaning?
- Eb, if you've got
something to say
would you come
right out and say it?
- Don't expect me
to do your dirty work.
Do it yourself, Mr. Devious!
(chair scrapes)
(audience laughs)
(door slams)
- Well, if you've
got dirty work to do
I don't want to keep
you from it, Mr. Dubious.
(audience laughs)
(lonely woodwind music)
- 40 45, 50,000.
Isn't it beautiful Charlie?
- Yeah and tax free.
Compliments of the Second
Security Bank of Boston.
- And all they planned
to give you for 20 years
of service was a watch.
(audience laughs)
Now I can pick my own.
- (laughs) That's
funny. (laughs)
Charlie, you're riot! (laughs)
- Shut up.
- Well how long do
we have to stay here?
You said we were gonna
go to London, Paris.
So where do we wind up?
The Pixley Motel.
- We ain't moving from
here 'til things cool off.
Bank's don't forget
somebody who embezzles
$50,000 overnight you know.
- Gee, I'm lucky to be
married to you Charlie.
There's no other man in
the whole world like you.
- Yes sir Mr. Douglas
I said to myself,
"There's only one man
in the world like you."
- Whatever it
is I don't want it.
- I also said to myself, "He's
a man that needs convincing."
(audience laughs)
Are you convinced?
(audience laughs)
- What is that?
- A Pablum Picarasso.
(audience laughs)
- Is he any relation
to Pablo Picasso?
- Who is that?
(audience laughs)
- Only one of the
world's greatest painters.
- Did he ever do
anything as good as this?
Ain't that beautiful?
(audience laughs)
- I can't make heads or
tails out of that painting?
- Oh well that's easy enough.
This is the head
and this is the tail.
(audience laughs)
- Of what?
- A cow!
This is a true to life
portrait of Beverly
the renowned
tri-state milking queen.
The name of the painting
is Udderly Beverly.
(audience laughs)
Don't that just grab it all?
- Mr. Haney, will you?
- No I know what
you're thinking.
- If you did you would
have been out of here
five minutes ago!
(audience laughs)
- You're thinking that
a work of art like this
must cost a fortune.
But this is your lucky day.
We're having a special
introductatory offer
of Pablum Picarasso's
works for only $150.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Haney you have some nerve
to try to get $150
for a piece of junk
by an artist nobody's
ever heard of!
- Hello there Mr. Haney.
Isn't that a Pablum Picarasso?
(audience laughs)
- You've heard of...
- That's one of the most
beautiful paintings of a cow
I've ever seen.
(audience laughs)
- You can tell that's a cow?
- What else could it be?
- Mr. Douglas, it's all
yours for only $200.
- That's cheap.
(audience laughs)
- It was cheaper a minute
ago it was only $150.
- Yeah, but a minute
ago I didn't have
Mrs. Douglas' expert opinion.
(audience laughs)
Now where do you want it hung?
- I have several suggestions.
(audience laughs)
- Well if you don't
want it I'll guess I'll
just have to take the
Metropolitan Museum's offer.
(audience laughs)
- You do that.
(feet clomping)
(engine rumbles)
- Oliver.
I think you should
have bought that.
- Lisa I'm trying to
fix the fuel pump.
- What's wrong with it?
- It doesn't work.
- How did you make it do that?
(audience laughs)
- Well I...
- Oh, here comes Mr. Kimbell!
- Where?
- Oh, now I got two of them.
- Oh, you folks busy?
- Yeah.
- Mr. Douglas is
fixing his fool pump.
(audience laughs)
- Oh.
What's wrong with
your fool pump?
- It doesn't work.
- Oh.
How'd you make it do that?
- I...
- No wonder it doesn't work,
it's broken.
(audience laughs)
- I know.
Uh, look do you
know where I could
get another one like this?
- I thought you
said it was broken?
- It is!
- Then why do you
want another one like it?
(audience laughs)
- Oh, you.
- Say, there's a store
in Pixley that has them.
I'd be glad to pick
one up for you.
- I'd appreciate that.
- Just let me
make a note of that.
(paper rustles)
One broken fuel
pump for Mr. Douglas.
(audience laughs)
- If it's all the same to
you, I'd like a new one.
- A new what?
- A new broken fuel,
uh, here look you
take this with you
and tell them you
want one just like it.
You think you can do that?
- Well, we'll know
when I get back.
- Uh-huh. (audience laughs)
(comedic xylophone
and tuba music)
(easy going, old
time piano music)
- Oh, uh Mr. Douglas.
I hope you're not thinking
of wasting your money
on some cheap babble,
when you could still buy
this Pablum Picarasso
for only...
- Will you get out of here?
- But, Mr. Douglas...
- No my name is not
Douglas and beat it, scram!
- But ah...
- Get out of here!
(audience laughs)
- Oh Charlie, it's beautiful,
thank you, thank you!
- I'm glad you like it Blanche.
Come on baby, let's
get back to the motel.
(amusing horn music)
(audience laughs)
- Who was that?
- Some nut.
He must have me mixed
up with somebody else.
What are you?
- Oh, sorry Mr. Douglas.
Oh, nice seeing you Mrs. uh,
you're not Mrs. uh...
- Uh, look fellow...
- Oh glad I bumped into you.
Got your new fuel pump.
- What'd you buy a new
fuel pump for, Charlie?
- Uh, Charlie needed
one for his tractor.
Did you, Mr. Douglas?
- My name isn't Douglas!
- Well whatever it is,
you can pay me later on,
Mr. Douglas. (laughs)
Well nice seeing you, Mrs. uh,
boy you're not Mrs. Uh...
- Come on Charlie.
- No wait Blanche,
the motel is this way.
(amusing, horns music)
- No, Mr. Haney I can't
let you hang that up
in the living room.
- But uh...
- Well Mr. Douglas
doesn't want to buy it.
Well I think he will.
I picked up a very convincing
sales argument in Pixley.
- Well you better
speak to him first.
- Where is he?
- He went to Crabwell Corners.
(amusing xylophone
and muted horns music)
- Crabwell Corners.
I guess that's he would call it.
(audience laughs)
(door clunks)
Mr. Douglas...
- No Mr. Haney I
haven't got time...
- Well, you've
changed your clothes
since I saw you in
Pixley this afternoon.
- I was in Crabwell Corners.
- Of course you were. (laughs)
- Hey will you wa...
- Shall we go in and
hang up the Picarasso?
- I told you I didn't
want to buy that!
- Yeah, but that was BC.
- BC?
- Before Charlie. (laughs)
- Hey look will you...?
- I'm sure that you will
find this is reasonable
as any wristwatch you could
buy in the Crabwell Corners
jewelry store in
Pixley. (laughs)
- What are you talking about?
- I think that $600
is a fair price for this.
- Not that I'm interested,
but it was $150 this morning.
- Yeah, but the more
you know about art
and other things
the more the price
keeps going up.
(audience laughs)
- Well I don't want it.
♪ Motel me pretty maiden.
- Motel me?
- I see the word makes
you Blanche. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
No pun intended
Charlie. (laughs)
- You're drunk!
- I wished I were.
It would blot out the memory
of what I saw in Pixley today.
- Uh-huh.
What did you see in Pixley?
- We know, don't we? (laughs)
(audience laughs)
In the meantime I'll have
this $1,000 Picarasso framed.
Or you, whichever
the case may be.
(audience laughs)
(amusing low horns music)
- Something strange
going on here.
- It's more than strange.
It's weird.
- What's weird, honey?
9,000, 10,000.
- Those two guys who
thought I was someone else.
Kept calling me Douglas.
- Maybe it's a trap.
11,000, 12,000.
- Only thing I can
figure is there must be
somebody around
here who looks like me!
- No one could
look like you Charlie.
You're the handsomest
man I know, 13,000, 14,000.
- Can't understand it.
- Don't worry about it,
Charlie, 15,000, 16,000.
17,000, 18,000.
- Douglas, Douglas.
- 19,000, 20,000.
- There it is.
Oliver Wendell Douglas.
- 21,000, 22...
- Will you stop counting!
(audience laughs)
- But Charlie!
- I want you to pay
this Douglas a visit.
- What for?
- Check him out.
If he does look like me,
maybe we can use him.
(xylophone music)
(knocking on door)
(door clunks)
- Oh, hello there.
- Hello.
I hope you don't mind,
but I seem to have
lost my bearings.
- Ah that's too bad.
Do you think you lost
them around here?
(audience laughs)
- No, I mean I've lost my way.
I'm trying to get to
Beaver Meadow Junction.
Do you know where it is?
- No, I don't, but
my husband might.
Would you like to come in?
Oliver, Oliver!
- Yes.
- Uh, this is my husband.
- How do you do?
- I don't believe it.
- Do you want to see
the marriage certificate?
(audience laughs)
- No I meant...
- Uh, can I help you Miss uh?
- Mrs. Brown.
- Mrs. Brown.
- I'm trying to find my
way to Beaver Meadow.
- Oh, Beaver Meadow.
I have a road map here.
- I'll make some tea.
- Oh you don't need.
- Beaver
Meadow, hm?
- It's uncanny.
- What's, what's the
matter, won't you sit down?
- Uh, let's see Beaver Meadow's,
oh you take route... - Hi!
Holy smoke, it's her!
- What?
- Bringing her in
to your own home!
Boy how La Dolce
Vita can you get?
(audience laughs)
- La Dolce...?
- Uh, Mrs. Brown.
Would you like to have
some cookies with your tea?
- Oh no thank you.
- You have your wife serving
cookies and tea to your,
your... - My what?
- I can't think of the word.
But I'll look it up!
(audience laughs)
(footsteps clomping)
- He's a little strange.
- I noticed.
Well, thank you for your help.
- But I didn't show you
how to get to Beaver...
- That's all right, I'm
sure I'll be able to find it.
Bye.
(audience laughs)
(amusing muted horns
and xylophone music)
- Where is Mrs. Brown?
- Well she left suddenly!
You know I don't
think she came here
to get directions at all.
Mrs. Brown, that name
doesn't seem to fit her.
- What do you think her name is?
- Concubine!
(audience laughs)
- What?
- Mrs. Concubine.
I like that better
than Mrs. Brown.
(audience laughs)
- Well that's not her name.
- What is her name Mr. Devious?
- And will you stop...?
- I can't hold my
silence any longer.
That man there
is a philanthropist.
(audience laughs)
Oh that's not right.
- Oh for the...
- Philanderer!
- You mean he gives money away?
(audience laughs)
- No ma'am.
It says right here.
Philanderer, one who
is guilty of hanky panky.
(audience laughs)
- Well that isn't the defini...
- Who were you
hanky pankying with?
- Mrs. Concubine!
(audience laughs)
- Will you stop...
- Last night I saw you
kissing her outside the movie
and who knows what
happened inside the movie!
(audience laughs)
- You mean you were
out with Mrs. Concubine!
- No, I never saw
that woman before
she walked in her
five minutes ago!
(door clunks)
- Hi.
(door clicks)
Hey.
Guess who I just saw
driving out the gate?
You're ah (whistles)
from Pixley. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Oh?
- Oh, hello Mrs. Douglas.
- Does she know
about your (whistles).
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Kimbell, when did you
allegedly see me in Pixley?
- When I gave you
the fuel pump, Charlie.
(audience laughs)
- Who is Charlie?
- I don't.
If you gave me the
fuel pump where is it?
- I don't know.
Maybe you left it at the motel.
(audience laughs)
- What motel?
- Well the Pixley Motel.
- Well!
- Oh, Lisa.
- So that's what you've
been up to, Mr. Devious.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa, I don't know
what this is all about,
I've never been
to the Pixley Motel!
- That should be easy to prove.
(book thuds)
- Yes it should!
- Lisa change your clothes.
- Where are we going?
- To the Pixley Motel!
(xylophone music)
- We're checking
out in five minutes,
have our bill ready.
(phone clicks)
- Why are we
checking out, Charlie?
- You want to be here when
the Boston Police arrive?
- I don't understand.
Why did you tip off the cops?
- They want Charlie Foster?
We'll give them Charlie Foster.
But not this one.
(amusing music)
(amusing band music)
- Come on Lisa.
- Now Oliver you
don't have to do this.
If you tell me that
you've never been
to the Pixley
Motel, I believe you.
- No, no, no, no, then
there will always be
some kind of a
doubt in your mind,
you'll always be
throwing it up at me.
Once and for all I
want you to know
that I was never in this
motel! (smacks hands)
- Mr. Foster! (hands smack)
(audience laughs)
Uh I thought you checked out.
- Checked out?
- Well yes sir your
wife paid the bill and,
well that's not your wife.
(audience laughs)
- Yes, this is my wife!
- Well then the other one was...
- Oh no the other one
wasn't my wife. (stammers)
(audience laughs)
What I mean was,
you made a mistake.
- You certainly did.
- Oh for the love of, Lisa!
- Mr. Foster, before
you go would you mind
filling out this form?
- What form?
- You know, how
you liked the room,
was the service satisfactory?
Did you enjoy the
complimentary bre, bre, ew, oh!
Mr. Foster! (audience laughs)
- Lisa, I tell you
it must have been
somebody who looked like me.
- You can do better
than that Charlie.
- Lisa I have always
told you the truth.
- Have you?
- Have I ever done anything
dishonest in my whole life?
- You're under arrest.
- What, who are you?
- Lieutenant Olson,
Boston Police.
Are you Oliver Douglas?
- Yes.
- Alias Charlie Foster?
- That's his motel name.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, we had a tip
you'd be hiding out here.
- Look, what are
you arresting me for?
- Embezzling $50,000.
- That's another thing
you never told me about.
(audience laughs)
Where did you hide
the loot, Charlie?
(audience laughs)
- Wait, look you've
got the wrong man!
(Lieutenant laughs)
- Is that you?
- Yes that looks like, I
never posed for this picture!
Oh, hey I bet that's the
fellow that was at the motel
with that woman.
Oh this is a
mistake, I'm innocent.
- That's what he always says.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah well let's go.
- Where?
- Down to the sheriff's office.
I got some questions
I'd like to ask you
about the money you embezzled.
(audience laughs)
(xylophone music)
- They arrested Mr. Douglas
for embezzling $50,000?
I don't believe it, they
must have the wrong man.
- Yeah, that's what he's
trying to tell the sheriff
and that Boston detective.
He claims there's
somebody around here
that looks just like him.
(door clicks)
Huh, well they're
never gonna let him go
with a story like that.
(door clicks)
They did.
Yeah, we were just
talking about you Mr...
- Hey which one of you
fellows runs this store?
- No they didn't.
- Didn't what?
- Ah Hank.
Well you let me
wait on the stranger?
- That's no
stranger, that's Mr...
(Sam clear throat)
- What can I do for you, sir?
- My car ran out of
gas, you have any?
- I keep a can down
here for emergencies.
All right, put your hands up.
(audience laughs)
Not you, Hank!
- Yeah, what do you
think you're doing?
- You're under arrest.
Put them on. (metal clatters)
- Mister, I don't know
what you think you're doing,
but you're making a big mistake.
- Okay Sam, I got
them on, now what?
(audience laughs)
- Oh perfect!
Call the sheriff!
- Oh yeah.
Sheriff!
(audience laughs)
- Use the phone!
(amusing xylophone music)
- I've never seen
anything like this in my life,
they could be identical twins!
You know which one is Douglas?
- Mm-hm, I'm Douglas.
- What do you mean
you're Douglas?
I'm Douglas, Sheriff,
you've been out to my farm,
you've seen me before.
- Yeah, you seen
me dozens of times.
- He's never seen you before.
- I don't know
which one is which.
- Wife ought to know.
- Yeah, my wife will know.
- What do you mean your wife?
- Get her.
(feet scraping)
- Mrs. Douglas,
will you come in here please?
- Lisa.
- Oliver!
- Lisa!
- Oliver?
- Which one is your husband?
- That one.
- Lisa!
- No, that one.
No.
Have you got another one?
- Lady!
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute, there is
one simple way to find out.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa.
Why don't you ask us a
few personal questions
that only the real Oliver
Douglas could answer?
- That's a good idea.
- Lady, ask him something.
- All right.
What did you do before
you were a farmer?
- I was a lawyer.
- Right.
- What did you do?
- I was a lawyer.
(audience laughs)
- So far they're even.
- Ask him where we were married.
- Oh, are you two married?
(audience laughs)
- I mean where
you and I married?
- You don't remember?!
- Of course I, it was Paris!
- Where were we married?
- In Paris.
(audience laughs)
- They're still running
neck and neck.
- Lisa you're giving
him the answers.
- Keep out of this Charlie!
- I'm not Charlie!
- There is one sure way to tell.
The smooch test.
- The what?
- A wife can always
tell her husband
by the way he kisses.
- I'm not gonna
have you kissing...
- Could you keep
him quiet, please?
(audience laughs)
(syncopated xylophone
and muted horn music)
- Well?
- One more time.
(audience laughs)
- Ah, uh, (clears throat).
Lisa.
(audience laughs)
Lisa will you.
- Take it easy,
you'll get your turn.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa will you
stop kissing please?
- Oh.
I don't have to
look any further.
I take this one.
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute
you didn't kiss me?!
- Well Oliver
wouldn't like me going
around kissing
strangers, Charlie.
(audience laughs)
- That's right, Charlie.
- Look, I've...
- All right Foster, let's go.
- Now, wait, just a minute!
Ah, I know something about her
that he couldn't possibly know.
- She does?
- Yes.
- Where?
- Oh no, no, no.
I'll write it on a
piece of paper
and you let him write it on
a piece of paper, too, hm?
- Well I...
- You want proof don't you?!
- All right.
Deputy give them both a
piece of paper and pencil.
- Oh, what's the question?
- The question is,
where does the lady have a mole?
(xylophone music)
- That was one of the
most embarrassing things
that ever happened to me.
I had to get undressed
in front of the matron
and let her see
where my mole was.
- Only I would know
it was on your left hip.
Uh, Lisa.
I had a feeling that
all along you knew
which was which.
- Yes I did.
- Well then,
why did you spend so much
time kissing the other fellow?
- Why did you spend
so much time in the motel
with the other girl?
(audience laughs)
- That wasn't me, that was him!
- Just a second.
Where do you think you're going?
- To bed!
- Oh no you're not.
How can I be sure
that you are the real
Oliver Wendell Douglas?
(audience laughs)
- Oh for...
- Would you write
down on a piece of paper
where you have your scar?
(audience laughs)
- Gladly.
(paper rustles)
Satisfied?
- Yes, you can get into bed now.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Charlie.
(audience laughs)
(amusing, upbeat
xylophone and band music)
(upbeat, playful
xylophone and band music)
("Green Acres
Theme" by Vic Mizzy)
- [Eva] This has been a
Filmways presentation darling.
xylophone and band music)
(Eb whistling)
(happy old time piano music)
- Hey it's Mr. Douglas.
I thought he was going to a...
- Hey you're late.
- I'm sorry Charlie.
(amusing music)
(audience laughs)
- Well I've already bough
the tickets, let's go in.
(amusing xylophone
and muted horns music)
- How about that?
Mr. Douglas went in to
see his own live story.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat, fun xylophone,
guitar and band music)
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Lands spreading
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that country side.
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye city life
♪ Green Acres we are there
(fun, happy band music)
(door clunks)
- Well good morning, Eb.
- You poor woman.
- Why am I a poor woman?
- Because your husband.
Where is he?
- He's still asleep,
he came in very late.
- I'll bet he did.
- He came in exhausted.
- I'll bet he did.
- Why do you keep
saying, "I'll be he did?"
- Because I'll bet he did.
(audience laughs)
Where did Mr. Douglas
say he went last night?
- To a pollution meeting.
- He must have been
polluted to think he could
get away with a story like that.
(audience laughs)
- Eb, are you trying
to tell me something?
- Well...
- Good morning.
- Good morning, darling, mm.
- You'll kiss
anybody, won't you?
- What?
- You're a universal smoocher!
(audience laughs)
- Something wrong with my
kissing my wife good morning?
- I was thinking more about
who you kiss good night,
Mr. Devious.
- Devious?
I guess the Hooterville nutty
season has started again.
(audience laughs)
- I don't think it's so nutty.
(chair scrapes)
- How was the meeting, dear?
- Yes, how was
the meeting, dear?
(audience laughs)
- Well it was about
he pollution problem...
- Sure it was!
- What are you...?
- Want to hear
what I did last night?
- No.
- I went to Pixley.
And I saw a friend of mine.
I should say an
ex-friend of mine.
And he wasn't alone,
if you get my meaning?
- Eb, if you've got
something to say
would you come
right out and say it?
- Don't expect me
to do your dirty work.
Do it yourself, Mr. Devious!
(chair scrapes)
(audience laughs)
(door slams)
- Well, if you've
got dirty work to do
I don't want to keep
you from it, Mr. Dubious.
(audience laughs)
(lonely woodwind music)
- 40 45, 50,000.
Isn't it beautiful Charlie?
- Yeah and tax free.
Compliments of the Second
Security Bank of Boston.
- And all they planned
to give you for 20 years
of service was a watch.
(audience laughs)
Now I can pick my own.
- (laughs) That's
funny. (laughs)
Charlie, you're riot! (laughs)
- Shut up.
- Well how long do
we have to stay here?
You said we were gonna
go to London, Paris.
So where do we wind up?
The Pixley Motel.
- We ain't moving from
here 'til things cool off.
Bank's don't forget
somebody who embezzles
$50,000 overnight you know.
- Gee, I'm lucky to be
married to you Charlie.
There's no other man in
the whole world like you.
- Yes sir Mr. Douglas
I said to myself,
"There's only one man
in the world like you."
- Whatever it
is I don't want it.
- I also said to myself, "He's
a man that needs convincing."
(audience laughs)
Are you convinced?
(audience laughs)
- What is that?
- A Pablum Picarasso.
(audience laughs)
- Is he any relation
to Pablo Picasso?
- Who is that?
(audience laughs)
- Only one of the
world's greatest painters.
- Did he ever do
anything as good as this?
Ain't that beautiful?
(audience laughs)
- I can't make heads or
tails out of that painting?
- Oh well that's easy enough.
This is the head
and this is the tail.
(audience laughs)
- Of what?
- A cow!
This is a true to life
portrait of Beverly
the renowned
tri-state milking queen.
The name of the painting
is Udderly Beverly.
(audience laughs)
Don't that just grab it all?
- Mr. Haney, will you?
- No I know what
you're thinking.
- If you did you would
have been out of here
five minutes ago!
(audience laughs)
- You're thinking that
a work of art like this
must cost a fortune.
But this is your lucky day.
We're having a special
introductatory offer
of Pablum Picarasso's
works for only $150.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Haney you have some nerve
to try to get $150
for a piece of junk
by an artist nobody's
ever heard of!
- Hello there Mr. Haney.
Isn't that a Pablum Picarasso?
(audience laughs)
- You've heard of...
- That's one of the most
beautiful paintings of a cow
I've ever seen.
(audience laughs)
- You can tell that's a cow?
- What else could it be?
- Mr. Douglas, it's all
yours for only $200.
- That's cheap.
(audience laughs)
- It was cheaper a minute
ago it was only $150.
- Yeah, but a minute
ago I didn't have
Mrs. Douglas' expert opinion.
(audience laughs)
Now where do you want it hung?
- I have several suggestions.
(audience laughs)
- Well if you don't
want it I'll guess I'll
just have to take the
Metropolitan Museum's offer.
(audience laughs)
- You do that.
(feet clomping)
(engine rumbles)
- Oliver.
I think you should
have bought that.
- Lisa I'm trying to
fix the fuel pump.
- What's wrong with it?
- It doesn't work.
- How did you make it do that?
(audience laughs)
- Well I...
- Oh, here comes Mr. Kimbell!
- Where?
- Oh, now I got two of them.
- Oh, you folks busy?
- Yeah.
- Mr. Douglas is
fixing his fool pump.
(audience laughs)
- Oh.
What's wrong with
your fool pump?
- It doesn't work.
- Oh.
How'd you make it do that?
- I...
- No wonder it doesn't work,
it's broken.
(audience laughs)
- I know.
Uh, look do you
know where I could
get another one like this?
- I thought you
said it was broken?
- It is!
- Then why do you
want another one like it?
(audience laughs)
- Oh, you.
- Say, there's a store
in Pixley that has them.
I'd be glad to pick
one up for you.
- I'd appreciate that.
- Just let me
make a note of that.
(paper rustles)
One broken fuel
pump for Mr. Douglas.
(audience laughs)
- If it's all the same to
you, I'd like a new one.
- A new what?
- A new broken fuel,
uh, here look you
take this with you
and tell them you
want one just like it.
You think you can do that?
- Well, we'll know
when I get back.
- Uh-huh. (audience laughs)
(comedic xylophone
and tuba music)
(easy going, old
time piano music)
- Oh, uh Mr. Douglas.
I hope you're not thinking
of wasting your money
on some cheap babble,
when you could still buy
this Pablum Picarasso
for only...
- Will you get out of here?
- But, Mr. Douglas...
- No my name is not
Douglas and beat it, scram!
- But ah...
- Get out of here!
(audience laughs)
- Oh Charlie, it's beautiful,
thank you, thank you!
- I'm glad you like it Blanche.
Come on baby, let's
get back to the motel.
(amusing horn music)
(audience laughs)
- Who was that?
- Some nut.
He must have me mixed
up with somebody else.
What are you?
- Oh, sorry Mr. Douglas.
Oh, nice seeing you Mrs. uh,
you're not Mrs. uh...
- Uh, look fellow...
- Oh glad I bumped into you.
Got your new fuel pump.
- What'd you buy a new
fuel pump for, Charlie?
- Uh, Charlie needed
one for his tractor.
Did you, Mr. Douglas?
- My name isn't Douglas!
- Well whatever it is,
you can pay me later on,
Mr. Douglas. (laughs)
Well nice seeing you, Mrs. uh,
boy you're not Mrs. Uh...
- Come on Charlie.
- No wait Blanche,
the motel is this way.
(amusing, horns music)
- No, Mr. Haney I can't
let you hang that up
in the living room.
- But uh...
- Well Mr. Douglas
doesn't want to buy it.
Well I think he will.
I picked up a very convincing
sales argument in Pixley.
- Well you better
speak to him first.
- Where is he?
- He went to Crabwell Corners.
(amusing xylophone
and muted horns music)
- Crabwell Corners.
I guess that's he would call it.
(audience laughs)
(door clunks)
Mr. Douglas...
- No Mr. Haney I
haven't got time...
- Well, you've
changed your clothes
since I saw you in
Pixley this afternoon.
- I was in Crabwell Corners.
- Of course you were. (laughs)
- Hey will you wa...
- Shall we go in and
hang up the Picarasso?
- I told you I didn't
want to buy that!
- Yeah, but that was BC.
- BC?
- Before Charlie. (laughs)
- Hey look will you...?
- I'm sure that you will
find this is reasonable
as any wristwatch you could
buy in the Crabwell Corners
jewelry store in
Pixley. (laughs)
- What are you talking about?
- I think that $600
is a fair price for this.
- Not that I'm interested,
but it was $150 this morning.
- Yeah, but the more
you know about art
and other things
the more the price
keeps going up.
(audience laughs)
- Well I don't want it.
♪ Motel me pretty maiden.
- Motel me?
- I see the word makes
you Blanche. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
No pun intended
Charlie. (laughs)
- You're drunk!
- I wished I were.
It would blot out the memory
of what I saw in Pixley today.
- Uh-huh.
What did you see in Pixley?
- We know, don't we? (laughs)
(audience laughs)
In the meantime I'll have
this $1,000 Picarasso framed.
Or you, whichever
the case may be.
(audience laughs)
(amusing low horns music)
- Something strange
going on here.
- It's more than strange.
It's weird.
- What's weird, honey?
9,000, 10,000.
- Those two guys who
thought I was someone else.
Kept calling me Douglas.
- Maybe it's a trap.
11,000, 12,000.
- Only thing I can
figure is there must be
somebody around
here who looks like me!
- No one could
look like you Charlie.
You're the handsomest
man I know, 13,000, 14,000.
- Can't understand it.
- Don't worry about it,
Charlie, 15,000, 16,000.
17,000, 18,000.
- Douglas, Douglas.
- 19,000, 20,000.
- There it is.
Oliver Wendell Douglas.
- 21,000, 22...
- Will you stop counting!
(audience laughs)
- But Charlie!
- I want you to pay
this Douglas a visit.
- What for?
- Check him out.
If he does look like me,
maybe we can use him.
(xylophone music)
(knocking on door)
(door clunks)
- Oh, hello there.
- Hello.
I hope you don't mind,
but I seem to have
lost my bearings.
- Ah that's too bad.
Do you think you lost
them around here?
(audience laughs)
- No, I mean I've lost my way.
I'm trying to get to
Beaver Meadow Junction.
Do you know where it is?
- No, I don't, but
my husband might.
Would you like to come in?
Oliver, Oliver!
- Yes.
- Uh, this is my husband.
- How do you do?
- I don't believe it.
- Do you want to see
the marriage certificate?
(audience laughs)
- No I meant...
- Uh, can I help you Miss uh?
- Mrs. Brown.
- Mrs. Brown.
- I'm trying to find my
way to Beaver Meadow.
- Oh, Beaver Meadow.
I have a road map here.
- I'll make some tea.
- Oh you don't need.
- Beaver
Meadow, hm?
- It's uncanny.
- What's, what's the
matter, won't you sit down?
- Uh, let's see Beaver Meadow's,
oh you take route... - Hi!
Holy smoke, it's her!
- What?
- Bringing her in
to your own home!
Boy how La Dolce
Vita can you get?
(audience laughs)
- La Dolce...?
- Uh, Mrs. Brown.
Would you like to have
some cookies with your tea?
- Oh no thank you.
- You have your wife serving
cookies and tea to your,
your... - My what?
- I can't think of the word.
But I'll look it up!
(audience laughs)
(footsteps clomping)
- He's a little strange.
- I noticed.
Well, thank you for your help.
- But I didn't show you
how to get to Beaver...
- That's all right, I'm
sure I'll be able to find it.
Bye.
(audience laughs)
(amusing muted horns
and xylophone music)
- Where is Mrs. Brown?
- Well she left suddenly!
You know I don't
think she came here
to get directions at all.
Mrs. Brown, that name
doesn't seem to fit her.
- What do you think her name is?
- Concubine!
(audience laughs)
- What?
- Mrs. Concubine.
I like that better
than Mrs. Brown.
(audience laughs)
- Well that's not her name.
- What is her name Mr. Devious?
- And will you stop...?
- I can't hold my
silence any longer.
That man there
is a philanthropist.
(audience laughs)
Oh that's not right.
- Oh for the...
- Philanderer!
- You mean he gives money away?
(audience laughs)
- No ma'am.
It says right here.
Philanderer, one who
is guilty of hanky panky.
(audience laughs)
- Well that isn't the defini...
- Who were you
hanky pankying with?
- Mrs. Concubine!
(audience laughs)
- Will you stop...
- Last night I saw you
kissing her outside the movie
and who knows what
happened inside the movie!
(audience laughs)
- You mean you were
out with Mrs. Concubine!
- No, I never saw
that woman before
she walked in her
five minutes ago!
(door clunks)
- Hi.
(door clicks)
Hey.
Guess who I just saw
driving out the gate?
You're ah (whistles)
from Pixley. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Oh?
- Oh, hello Mrs. Douglas.
- Does she know
about your (whistles).
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Kimbell, when did you
allegedly see me in Pixley?
- When I gave you
the fuel pump, Charlie.
(audience laughs)
- Who is Charlie?
- I don't.
If you gave me the
fuel pump where is it?
- I don't know.
Maybe you left it at the motel.
(audience laughs)
- What motel?
- Well the Pixley Motel.
- Well!
- Oh, Lisa.
- So that's what you've
been up to, Mr. Devious.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa, I don't know
what this is all about,
I've never been
to the Pixley Motel!
- That should be easy to prove.
(book thuds)
- Yes it should!
- Lisa change your clothes.
- Where are we going?
- To the Pixley Motel!
(xylophone music)
- We're checking
out in five minutes,
have our bill ready.
(phone clicks)
- Why are we
checking out, Charlie?
- You want to be here when
the Boston Police arrive?
- I don't understand.
Why did you tip off the cops?
- They want Charlie Foster?
We'll give them Charlie Foster.
But not this one.
(amusing music)
(amusing band music)
- Come on Lisa.
- Now Oliver you
don't have to do this.
If you tell me that
you've never been
to the Pixley
Motel, I believe you.
- No, no, no, no, then
there will always be
some kind of a
doubt in your mind,
you'll always be
throwing it up at me.
Once and for all I
want you to know
that I was never in this
motel! (smacks hands)
- Mr. Foster! (hands smack)
(audience laughs)
Uh I thought you checked out.
- Checked out?
- Well yes sir your
wife paid the bill and,
well that's not your wife.
(audience laughs)
- Yes, this is my wife!
- Well then the other one was...
- Oh no the other one
wasn't my wife. (stammers)
(audience laughs)
What I mean was,
you made a mistake.
- You certainly did.
- Oh for the love of, Lisa!
- Mr. Foster, before
you go would you mind
filling out this form?
- What form?
- You know, how
you liked the room,
was the service satisfactory?
Did you enjoy the
complimentary bre, bre, ew, oh!
Mr. Foster! (audience laughs)
- Lisa, I tell you
it must have been
somebody who looked like me.
- You can do better
than that Charlie.
- Lisa I have always
told you the truth.
- Have you?
- Have I ever done anything
dishonest in my whole life?
- You're under arrest.
- What, who are you?
- Lieutenant Olson,
Boston Police.
Are you Oliver Douglas?
- Yes.
- Alias Charlie Foster?
- That's his motel name.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, we had a tip
you'd be hiding out here.
- Look, what are
you arresting me for?
- Embezzling $50,000.
- That's another thing
you never told me about.
(audience laughs)
Where did you hide
the loot, Charlie?
(audience laughs)
- Wait, look you've
got the wrong man!
(Lieutenant laughs)
- Is that you?
- Yes that looks like, I
never posed for this picture!
Oh, hey I bet that's the
fellow that was at the motel
with that woman.
Oh this is a
mistake, I'm innocent.
- That's what he always says.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah well let's go.
- Where?
- Down to the sheriff's office.
I got some questions
I'd like to ask you
about the money you embezzled.
(audience laughs)
(xylophone music)
- They arrested Mr. Douglas
for embezzling $50,000?
I don't believe it, they
must have the wrong man.
- Yeah, that's what he's
trying to tell the sheriff
and that Boston detective.
He claims there's
somebody around here
that looks just like him.
(door clicks)
Huh, well they're
never gonna let him go
with a story like that.
(door clicks)
They did.
Yeah, we were just
talking about you Mr...
- Hey which one of you
fellows runs this store?
- No they didn't.
- Didn't what?
- Ah Hank.
Well you let me
wait on the stranger?
- That's no
stranger, that's Mr...
(Sam clear throat)
- What can I do for you, sir?
- My car ran out of
gas, you have any?
- I keep a can down
here for emergencies.
All right, put your hands up.
(audience laughs)
Not you, Hank!
- Yeah, what do you
think you're doing?
- You're under arrest.
Put them on. (metal clatters)
- Mister, I don't know
what you think you're doing,
but you're making a big mistake.
- Okay Sam, I got
them on, now what?
(audience laughs)
- Oh perfect!
Call the sheriff!
- Oh yeah.
Sheriff!
(audience laughs)
- Use the phone!
(amusing xylophone music)
- I've never seen
anything like this in my life,
they could be identical twins!
You know which one is Douglas?
- Mm-hm, I'm Douglas.
- What do you mean
you're Douglas?
I'm Douglas, Sheriff,
you've been out to my farm,
you've seen me before.
- Yeah, you seen
me dozens of times.
- He's never seen you before.
- I don't know
which one is which.
- Wife ought to know.
- Yeah, my wife will know.
- What do you mean your wife?
- Get her.
(feet scraping)
- Mrs. Douglas,
will you come in here please?
- Lisa.
- Oliver!
- Lisa!
- Oliver?
- Which one is your husband?
- That one.
- Lisa!
- No, that one.
No.
Have you got another one?
- Lady!
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute, there is
one simple way to find out.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa.
Why don't you ask us a
few personal questions
that only the real Oliver
Douglas could answer?
- That's a good idea.
- Lady, ask him something.
- All right.
What did you do before
you were a farmer?
- I was a lawyer.
- Right.
- What did you do?
- I was a lawyer.
(audience laughs)
- So far they're even.
- Ask him where we were married.
- Oh, are you two married?
(audience laughs)
- I mean where
you and I married?
- You don't remember?!
- Of course I, it was Paris!
- Where were we married?
- In Paris.
(audience laughs)
- They're still running
neck and neck.
- Lisa you're giving
him the answers.
- Keep out of this Charlie!
- I'm not Charlie!
- There is one sure way to tell.
The smooch test.
- The what?
- A wife can always
tell her husband
by the way he kisses.
- I'm not gonna
have you kissing...
- Could you keep
him quiet, please?
(audience laughs)
(syncopated xylophone
and muted horn music)
- Well?
- One more time.
(audience laughs)
- Ah, uh, (clears throat).
Lisa.
(audience laughs)
Lisa will you.
- Take it easy,
you'll get your turn.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa will you
stop kissing please?
- Oh.
I don't have to
look any further.
I take this one.
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute
you didn't kiss me?!
- Well Oliver
wouldn't like me going
around kissing
strangers, Charlie.
(audience laughs)
- That's right, Charlie.
- Look, I've...
- All right Foster, let's go.
- Now, wait, just a minute!
Ah, I know something about her
that he couldn't possibly know.
- She does?
- Yes.
- Where?
- Oh no, no, no.
I'll write it on a
piece of paper
and you let him write it on
a piece of paper, too, hm?
- Well I...
- You want proof don't you?!
- All right.
Deputy give them both a
piece of paper and pencil.
- Oh, what's the question?
- The question is,
where does the lady have a mole?
(xylophone music)
- That was one of the
most embarrassing things
that ever happened to me.
I had to get undressed
in front of the matron
and let her see
where my mole was.
- Only I would know
it was on your left hip.
Uh, Lisa.
I had a feeling that
all along you knew
which was which.
- Yes I did.
- Well then,
why did you spend so much
time kissing the other fellow?
- Why did you spend
so much time in the motel
with the other girl?
(audience laughs)
- That wasn't me, that was him!
- Just a second.
Where do you think you're going?
- To bed!
- Oh no you're not.
How can I be sure
that you are the real
Oliver Wendell Douglas?
(audience laughs)
- Oh for...
- Would you write
down on a piece of paper
where you have your scar?
(audience laughs)
- Gladly.
(paper rustles)
Satisfied?
- Yes, you can get into bed now.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Charlie.
(audience laughs)
(amusing, upbeat
xylophone and band music)
(upbeat, playful
xylophone and band music)
("Green Acres
Theme" by Vic Mizzy)
- [Eva] This has been a
Filmways presentation darling.