Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Special Delivery Letter - full transcript

Oliver tries to pick up a special delivery letter that arrived for him at the Hooterville post office. He and Lisa end up traveling all over the valley because Postmaster Drucker mistakenly gave it to Hank Kimball, who gave it to Fred Ziffel, who gave it to his son Arnold. Arnold dropped it in the mail, sending the Douglases to the Pixley post office where two sets of identical twins are working at the windows.

(upbeat theme music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Dahling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife



♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(upbeat music)

- [Eb] Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas!

(grunt)

Mr. Douglas!

You'd be more comfortable
if you slept on the couch.

- You fizzle head!

- Oliver, you'd be more
comfortable if you slept

on the couch.

- I wasn't...

- You should have seen
what was going on in town.

There was a big parade,
and somebody made a speech,



and they closed the high
school for the rest of the day.

- What happened?

- You got a special
delivery letter.

- What?

- Isn't it exciting?

- It sure is.

It's the first special delivery
letter that's been received

in Hooterville since Jack
Barnum wrote to Carl Bailey

asking him if he wanted to
go into the circus business.

- Who are they?

- Surely you've heard of
the Jack and Carl circus.

- Eb, may I please
have the letter?

- I haven't got it.

- Where is it?

- It's still at Drucker's.

- Well why didn't you bring it?

- Mr. Drucker says he
has to deliver it in person.

- Well, when is he
gonna deliver it?

- Thursday, that's
special delivery day.

- Oh, for...
- Well who was it from?

- I don't know, Mr. Drucker
wouldn't let me get near it.

But it was a big official
looking envelope.

- Oliver, maybe
you've been drafted.

- Oh, it's impossible.

- No sir, they're scraping
the bottom of the barrel.

- Look Eb...
- For World War One.

- Eb, if you don't know...

- I bet I know who
the letter is from.

The Department
of Infernal Revenue.

- Infernal?

- You know, the ones
you're always cheating.

- I don't cheat.

- Then why did they send
you special delivery letter?

- We don't know who sent it.

- You will Thursday when
Mr. Drucker delivers it.

- I'm not waiting till Thursday.

I'm going in and
picking it up now.

- You can't do that.

- Why not?

- It's on display for
the thousands of people

who've never seen a
special delivery letter.

People are lined up for
miles, excursion buses

are coming in.

The airlines are flying
special charter planes, and...

- Come on, Lisa.

(upbeat music)

- Well, if it isn't
from the draft board,

or the Infernal Revenue,
who do you think it's from?

- I haven't the...
- Oh I know.

I bet it's from that
bookie you owe money to.

- I don't owe any bookie any...

No, I paid him.

- Maybe it's from...

- Lisa, will you stop worrying?

It's probably nothing.

- Then why did they
send it special delivery?

- I'll know that as soon
as we get to Drucker's.

- Well it must be bad news.

- Oh for...

- I remember when we lived
in Hungary, my father got

a special delivery
letter telling him he was

no longer the king.

- Your father wasn't the king.

- Not after he got
that letter, he wasn't.

We had to move out of
the palace, and he got a job

as a waiter in an
Italian restaurant.

He had to go to school at
night to learn a new accent.

- Lisa, will you just relax?

- And while my father was
working in the restaurant,

you know what my
poor mother had to do?

She had to take...

(loud jazz music
playing on radio)

- Oh good afternoon, folks.

- Hello there, Mr. Drucker.

- Say, you missed a parade.

- Parade?

- Yeah, well they closed
down the high school,

and there was speeches.

- You mean Eb wasn't kidding?

- Oh no, sir.

This happens every year,
to celebrate the founding

of the Jack and Carl circus.

- This town is
absolutely... Is that...

What are you doing?

- Dusting my pickles.

- Dusting your...

- Oh well these are
just plastic pickles.

Keeps people from swiping 'em.

I got a barrel full of
the real ones out back.

How many do you want?

- Ah, Mr. Drucker, I
heard you had a special

delivery letter for me.

- Oh yes, sir.

- Why would plastic
pickles be more expensive?

- I don't do much repeat
business with them.

- Could I please
have the letter?

- Oh yes, sir.

- What do the plastic
pickles taste like?

- Doggone if I know.

- May I have my letter, please?

- Letter?

Oh yeah, your letter.

Say, you know that's the
first special delivery letter

we got since Jack Barnum
wrote to Carl Bailey...

- I heard this story.

- Oh, well, it's too bad
you missed that parade.

- The letter?

- Oh, here you are.

- Alright, thank...

Well, Mr. Drucker,
this letter isn't for me.

It's for Mr. Kimball.

- Let me see that.

Doggone, I must have given
him your letter by mistake.

- Oh, how could you
do a thing like that?

- Well, you know Hank.

He can confuse anybody.

- Well, what about my letter?

- Well, if you just
wait till Monday...

- Monday?

- Yeah, that's misdelivery day.

That's the day I go
around exchanging all

the letters I've misdelivered.

- Eh, never mind.

I'll go over to Kimball's
and get it myself.

- Then would you
mind giving him this?

- Oh sure, yes of course.

Come on, Lisa.

- Mr. Drucker, I
don't think I'll take any

of the plastic pickles.

They don't taste very good.

(slow folk music)

- Huh.

Huh, huh, huh.

- Oh, hello there, Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, hello there.

I'll be right with you.

- What is he looking
at in the microphone?

- The microscope.

- Very interesting specimen.

Care to look at it
through the microphone?

- Now see, he called
it a microphone.

- I don't care
what he called it.

- It's a specimen of
a female corn borer.

- Oh?

- Like to see what
one looks like?

- Say, yes, I certainly would.

What the...

- Those corn borers
are really built, huh?

Now, what can I do for ya?

- Oh, Mr. Drucker said
that he gave you a...

- Mr. Kimball, what are these?

- Oh, that's my
fruit fly collection.

Yeah, I've been a
fruit fly fan for years.

- What's a flew fly flan?

- Uh, no no, it's
a flute fly flam.

Or is it a flew flum flop?

No, I believe it's
a flee flew flip.

- Mr. Ki...

- I used to collect she
sells by the seashore.

- Seashells.

- Flop flip flap?

- Show shells by the shoe store?

- Flick flock flew.

- Look, perhaps I
can straighten this out.

Mr. Kimball is a fruit fly fan.

And you collected
seashells by the seashore.

And that we've cleared
that up, I'd like my special

ledivery detter did...

My sp-... (clears throat)

Do you have it?

- Have what?

- His special ledivery detter.

- Special ledivery?

- Special delivery letter.

Mr. Drucker gave
it to you by mistake,

and he gave me your letter.

- Oh, well that seems fair.

Is there anything
else I can do for you?

- I want my letter.

- Letter, who was it from?

- I don't know.

- Then how do you
know it was for you?

- Would you please pull
your little mind together?

- How do I do that?

- I'm talking to him.

- How do I do that?

- Mr. Kimball.

Did Mr. Drucker give
you a letter this morning?

- Yes, he did.

- Now, what did you do with it?

- Oh well, let's see.

I gave it to Fred Ziffel.

- Why did you give it to him?

- Well, he said he'd be
going by your house later,

and he'd drop it off.

- Thank you very much.

Come on, Lisa.

- Hey, just a minute,
just a minute, here.

What about my letter?

- You have it in your hand.

- Well how'd it get there?

- Goodbye, Mr. Kimball!

- Uh, bye.

Ah, doggone it.

I shoulda given him this
to mail for me. (laughs)

Oh, well.

(upbeat music)

(slow folk music)

(car horn honks)

- Mr. Douglas.

- Eb, you're supposed
to be working.

- How can I work until I
know what was in your

special ledivery detter?

- I don't know, I
didn't get it yet.

- Didn't Mr. Ziffel
bring it over here?

- No Ma'am.

How did Mr. Ziffel get it?

- Well, Mr. Drucker gave it
by mistake to Mr. Kimball,

and Mr. Kimball
gave it to Mr. Ziffel,

to bring it over to Mr. Douglas.

- Golly, what a suspenseful
story of Mr. Douglas

and the United States Mail.

Will he ever get his letter?

What mysterious
message does it contain?

Is it from one of
his former wives,

threatening to expose him?

- What former wife?

- Or maybe it's a
message from your mother

with your allowance check.

- Will you please get to work?

- Yes sir.

If you want me, I'll
be out in the cornfield

looking for female corn borers.

- Ooh, that...

- Oliver, aren't you
going over to Mr. Ziffel

to get the letter?

- Oh, he'll bring
it over himself.

He's a very reliable man.

- What are ya lookin' at, Fred?

- Marathon movie matinee.

- When did it go on?

- September the 12th, 1965.

- You know Fred,
when I married you,

I didn't think you
had a sense of humor.

It's taken me 25 years
to find out I was right.

- Doris, I'm trying
to watch the movie.

Will you stop
flappin' your gums?

- Well what about that
special delivery letter

you were supposed to
take over to Mr. Douglas?

- Just soon as this is over.

- When will that be?

- 1989.

- Fred, if I wasn't
a prisoner of love,

I'd walk out on you.

Now you oughtta get over
there, it's probably important.

(pig oinking)

(pig oinking)

- [Fred] Now, where's he going?

- To the Pixley Plunge
for his swimming lesson.

(pig oinking)

Oh, give him a quarter.

- Give him a quarter, what for?

- So as he can get somethin'
to eat with the other kids

after his swimmin' lesson.

(pig oinking)

- Doggone it, it cost a
fortune to raise kids nowadays.

Oh, Arnold.

On your way to the station,
drop this off at the Douglas'.

(pig oinking)

Now, no back talk.

(slow music)

Doggone kids.

You do everything for
them, and then you ask them

to do something,
they don't want to do it.

- Well, you were the
one that wanted children.

(upbeat music)

- Lisa.

- [Lisa] Yes?

- Oh, did Mr. Ziffel
bring the letter over yet?

- No.

But I think I figured
out who it is from.

- Who?

- Oliver, I'm sorry to tell
you, but your bank ruptured.

- What?

- Well the letter is from the
bank, and you are ruptured.

- Eh, Lisa...

- It must be from the
bank, because the last time

you got a special delivery
letter, it was from them

reminding you that you
owe money on the note.

- I don't have any
notes outstanding.

- Alright, Mr. Wise Guy.

Then who is the letter from?

- I haven't the faintest idea.

- Well aren't you worried?

- Look, would it make you
feel better if we took a ride

over to the Ziffels
and get the letter?

- It certainly would.

- Let's go.

(upbeat music)

(knock on door)

- Answer the door!

- I will, as soon as the
next commercial comes on.

- Oh...

Well, howdy, Ms. Douglas!

- Oh, hello there, Mrs. Ziffel.

- Oh, Ms. Douglas, my,
don't you look scrumptious.

- Why thank you.

- Did you make
that dress yourself?

- No, it's a Christian Dior.

- Oh, I never got a
catalog from them.

- Eh, Ms. Ziffel, do you
think we could interrupt

Mr. Ziffel for a moment?

- Oh, sure.

- Now, what did you do that for?

- Watch it!

We got company.

- Why, hello, Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh hello there, Mr. Ziffel.

- You know, it's always a
pleasure to see a woman

that looks like a woman.

- Oh, wait till they leave.

- Eh, Mr. Ziffel...

- What about that special
delivery letter you've got?

You didn't go bank
ruptured or nothin'?

- I never got the letter.

- Well we gave it to
Arnold earlier this afternoon

to drop off at your place.

- He never brought it.

- He didn't?

Arnold, come in here.

- He's painting his room.

Isn't that an awful color?

- Arnold, what did you
do with Mr. Douglas' letter?

(pig oinking)

Now, what did you want
to go and do that for?

- What'd he say?

- He said he ate it.

(pig oinking)

No, he said he mailed it
when he was over in Pixley.

Wish you'd stop
slurring your words.

(pig oinking)

- What did you...

I mean, what did he mail it for?

(pig oinking)

- Uh, after he had
his swimming lessons,

he went and had
hamburgers with the kids.

(pig oinking)

And he didn't want
to lose the letter,

so he put it in the mailbox.

- That was very smart of him.

- I don't think that
was very smart.

- Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.

They probably got your letter

over at the Pixley Post Office.

- Let's go get it.

(pig oinking)

- Arnold says that
the post office at Pixley

closes at five o'clock.

- Oh for the love of...

Well, then I'll go up there
first thing in the morning.

(upbeat music)

- [Lisa] Which window?

- [Oliver] This one.

- Good morning, may I help you?

- Yes, I wanted to...
- I'm with him.

- Um, Lisa, you...

- Well I just wanted him to
know so that he doesn't think

that there is a long line.

- Fine now.

I want to talk to you about
a special delivery letter.

- Special delivery?

That's window two.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Good morning, may I help you?

- He looks familiar.

Didn't we see him
at the other window?

- Oh not me.

That's my twin brother.

- Your twin...

- What's with him?

- Look, uh, I wanted
to inquire about

a special delivery letter.

Well, the rates have
been changed, it'll cost...

- No, no.

I don't want to mail a letter.

I'm looking for a
special delivery letter that

was sent to me.

My name is Douglas,
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

- And I am Mrs. Douglas,
Oliver Wendell Mrs. Douglas.

- Will you please...

- You'll have to
go to window one.

- No, we were just...
- Window one.

- Oh, for the love of...

Your brother told us...

- I don't have a brother.

Just a twin sister.

(upbeat music)

Now what can I do for you?

- Uh, I received a
special delivery letter.

- From whom?

- I don't know, I
didn't receive it.

- But you just said...

- If you'd just let me
tell you the whole story...

- It's very interesting the
way the whole thing happened.

You see, he got a special...

- Lisa, Lisa, why don't
you go over and look at

the wanted posters?

See if your uncle
is still up there.

- Your uncle is wanted?

- No no, he just makes
things up like that.

You see...

- Oh.

You were saying, sir.

- This special delivery
letter was sent to

the Hooterville Post
Office, and Mr. Drucker...

- He's the Postmaster.

- Yes, I know him,
he's a very nice man.

- Oh yes, he's one of
the nicest men I ever met.

He's real...
- Ahem. (clears throat)

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Go right ahead.

- Thank you.

Anyway, Mr. Drucker
gave the letter

to Mr. Kimball by mistake.

Mr. Kimball gave
it to Mr. Ziffel,

who was supposed to bring
the letter over to my farm.

But instead, he gave it to
his pig, who came up here

to Pixley to take his swimming
lesson, and he mailed it.

- The pig mailed it?

- Yes.

- I see what you mean, honey.

- Look, where could
the letter be now?

- Why don't you
ask at window four?

- Uh huh.

Well there is no window four.

- I'm sure you'll imagine one.

- Look, just answer this.

If somebody put a letter in
the mailbox here in Pixley

yesterday afternoon,
where would it be now?

- It was probably
put on the cannon ball

and taken back to Hooterville.

(upbeat music)

- Oh, hello there, Mr. Haney.

- Mrs. Douglas and Mr. Douglas,
a good morning to you both.

- Mr. Haney, are
you feeling all right?

- Tip top, why?

- You didn't try to
sell us anything.

- Mr. Douglas, it would
be unethical for me to park

in front of Sam's store and
try and sell you something

whilst his store is open.

- Oliver, the store is closed.

- In that case, I'm open.

Now, how can I be
of service to you?

- You can tell us why
Mr. Drucker's store is closed.

- He's out.

That'll be 15 cents.

- For what?

- For answering your question.

- You want me to pay you
for answering a question?

- Yes.

That'll be another 15 cents.

Now, will there be anything
else you want to know,

before I total up your bill?

- Do you know where he went?

- Yes, I do.

- Uh, how come you
didn't charge my wife

for answering her question?

Well, it's ladies day.

- When will Mr. Drucker be back?

- What did she say?

- She said, "When will
Mr. Drucker be back?"

- Later.

You notice, I just charged
you ten cents for that,

'cause it was a
second hand question.

- Oliver!

Oliver, I think I see
the letter in our mailbox.

- I can't see anything.

Care to buy a pair of
Japanese opera glasses?

Made for the emperor himself,
to watch Japanese operas with.

- How much are they?

- 47 yen, which
according to the current

rate of exchange is $47.

- I'm not buying...

- Perhaps you'd like to
rent 'em at 5 yen per hour,

which at the current
rate of exchange is $62.

You see, the rate of
exchange keeps fluctuating.

- I'll give you a
quarter for them.

- I'll take it.

- We sure have had a
lot of fluctuating today.

- I can't see a thing.

- Oliver, why
don't we just go in?

- We can't, the store is locked.

- Could I interest you in a
professional lock picking kit?

- Lock picking?

- It bears the good house
breaking seal of approval.

- Oh, I'm not picking any locks!

- Then perhaps
you'd like one of these

patented window smashers.

- This model is
endorsed by the FBI,

the federal burglars' institute.

- Look, will you...

- Would you care for
a $10 demonstration?

- [Mr. Drucker] Haney!

- Uh oh.

- I don't want...
- You're just in time.

Mr. Douglas was gonna
break in to your store.

- I wasn't!

- Is there any reward?

- No.

Haney, how many times
have I told you not to park

in front of my store and
cut into my business?

- Sam, I only open my
store when yours is closed.

- I'm open.

- And I'm closed.

See, I ain't hard
to get along with.

- Mr. Drucker, about
that special delivery letter.

- Oh yes, it came
in on a cannon ball

from Pixley this morning.

- Where is it?

- Well, I just took
it out to your house

and left it with Eb.

(upbeat music)

- Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Drucker brought your
letter over and left it with me.

- Oh, fine.

May I please have it?

- Do you have
any identification?

- What do I need...

- Mr. Drucker swore me
in as an assistant special

delivery deliverer, and gave
me strict orders to be sure

and give it to the
person it's addressed to.

- Eb, if you don't...

- Now, do you have
anything to prove that you're

Mrs. Oliver Wendell Douglas?

- I don't... Mrs.?

- That's what the assistant
delivery deliverer said.

Mrs.

- You mean all this
time it's been for you,

and I've been...

- May I have the
envelope please?

- Here you are, ma'am.

- Doesn't she need
any identification?

- No, she looks honest.

- Oh, you...
- Fine.

Well, you finally did it to me.

- I did what?

- Boy, when you go on a
fink spree, you go all the way.

- What are you talking about?

- Thanks to you, I missed it.

- You missed what?

You are cordially invited
to attend a special sale

of chinchilla coats
at LaRue Frers.

- What's a frer?

- It's French for brother.

- Do you notice
when the sale was?

Yesterday.

- Oh, frer!

- No wonder you were
stalling, you didn't want me

to get the letter.

You made Mr. Drucker
give it to Mr. Kimball,

and Mr. Kimball
gave it to Mr. Ziffel.

- Oh Lisa, I didn't.

- You didn't want
me to go to New York,

because you didn't
want me to get the coat.

Because you're a cheapskate
with a capital cheap.

- I repeat, oh frer.

- Oh Lisa!

- It'll be interesting
to see how he lies

his way out of this one.

(upbeat music)

- Lisa.

- Don't touch me.

- I want to talk to you.

- Talk to my lawyer.

- I'm your lawyer.

- Then talk to yourself.

- Lisa, now you're
being unreasonable.

I didn't know what
was in the letter.

I didn't even know
it was for you.

- That's your story.

- Now you're being silly.

I'm going to go to sleep.

- Now you're being silly.

Because nobody's
going to go to sleep until

this thing is settled.

- Lisa, would it make
you happy if I said

I'd buy you a chinchilla coat?

- No, it wouldn't.

- What?

- There is no sense in buying
anything unless it's on sale.

Any shnook can
walk in and pay retail.

A woman isn't a woman
unless she's 30% off.

- Oh, well then you're
a woman, alright.

Because you're
more than 30% off.

You're more like 70% off.

- Well!

- Where are you going?

- To make some coffee.

Because this is going to
be a long night, Wendell.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat theme music)

- [Eva Gabor] This has been

a Filmways
presentation, darling.