Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 5, Episode 24 - Uncle Fedor - full transcript

Lisa's skittish Uncle Fedor uses the Douglas' home to hide out--mostly under the bed and sofa. He claims he's on the run from the Secret Police who want him for a valuable formula he's smuggling out of Hungary. When a man with a scar shows up in Hooterville asking questions, his wild tale starts to seem believable. Skeptical Oliver contends the whole story is phony and Fedor's just a relative who's come to mooch off of them for a while.

("Green Acres" theme music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Dah-ling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife



♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(alarm clock bell ringing)

- Oliver, - What, what what?

- You want to wake up
and watch the names?

(Oliver groaning)

Oliver, you missed
the executive producer.

- The exec...?

Lisa, please.

What?

- You blew the Written By's too.

- Oh, will you
please let me sleep?

What now?

- I just wanted to tell you that



the names are all through
and you can go back to sleep.

(audience laughing)
(knocking at door)

- Well, who's that?

- Maybe it's one of the names

complaining that
you didn't watch.

- Oh, you.

(knocking at door)

- Oh, 'morning, Mister Douglas.

- Yes, good morning,
Mister Drucker.

- I hope I didn't wake you up.

I got a special delivery letter.

- Thank you.

- It's for your wife.

- All right, I'll
give it to her.

- Give me what?

- The special
delivery letter Mister...

- Oh, hello, Mister Drucker.

- Morning, Missus Douglas.

Did I wake you up too?

- Oh no, no, I've been
up for quite some time,

watching the names.

He slept right through them.

- Oh, well...

- Will you two excuse
me, I'm going back to sleep.

- Is he always that
grouchy in the morning?

- Sometimes he's worse.

- Well, doggone it, if I woke up

to a beautiful woman like
you, I'd be singin' and dancin'.

- Well, when we
were first married,

he was a singer and
a dancer, but no more.

That's what
marriage does to you.

(audience laughing)

- Well then I'm glad
I never got married,

'cause I love to sing
and dance in the mornin'.

Oh, I almost forgot,
here's your letter.

- Oh, thank you.

Oliver!

(Oliver snoring)

Oliver, Oliver,

get up, get up.

- What, what, what?

Name time again?

- Guess who the letter is from.

- Your draft board.
(audience laughing)

- It's from my Uncle Fedor.

- Gloriaski.

- He's coming to visit me.

- Fine.
- Today.

- Great.

- We've got to pick him
up at the airport in an hour.

- What?

- Get up, now get up.

- Oh Lisa look, why
don't you go pick him up

and by the time you get back

I'll have the curlers out
of my hair, my makeup on,

and if I get time,
I'll bake him a cake.

(audience laughing)

- Oliver, get up.

Come on.
- What you doin' no, no!

Who is this Uncle Fedor, you
never mentioned him before?

- Well, he's not a real uncle.

He was my father's cousin,
on the other side of my mother.

- On the other side of...

- He used to rent a room
from us, upstairs in the palace.

- He rented a roo...
- Yes.

When the king business was slow,

my father used to
take in boarders.

(audience laughing)

- You father was never a king.

- Then how come he wore a crown?

- The only time he wore a crown

was when he ate that margarine.

(audience laughing)

- Uncle Fedor will tell you.

He knew us in the good
old days in Hungary,

when my father sat on the
throne with an iron hand.

- Yeah, those were
the good old days.

Say, how long is Fedor
planning to stay with us?

- I don't know.

He said it would depend
on the circumstances.

His letter was very mysterious.

- In what way?

- He said, when we met
him, we shouldn't talk to him,

unless he had a folded
newspaper under his left arm.

- What kind of a nut is he?

- I don't know; I haven't
seen him in a long time.

- Pardon me, can I ask
you, I want to find out...

(phone ringing)

- Be right with you in a minute.

Trans Pixley Airlines,
we're the seagulls.

No, this is Claxton.

I'm the new man on the counter.

Just got my wings today.

(audience laughing)

What?

Oh no madam, we're still flying.

It's just the pilots
who are out on strike.

(audience laughing)

Any time.

Now, how may I
be of service, sir?

- Has the plane come
in from Chicago yet?

- This is my first
day on the job.

I'll have to check
with control tower.

- Yes, would you please.

(wooden thumping)
(audience laughing)

- Claxton calling control tower.

- Control tower, go ahead.

- Trans Pixley Airlines desk,

fellow down here wants to know

about a plane coming
in from Chicago.

- Well I,

just a second, I think
I see a plane comin'.

Naw, it was just a
fly on the window.

(audience laughing)

- Of all the...
- Hold it, hold it.

There's something on the radar.

Nope, just a mosquito.

(audience laughing)

you know, we gotta get
some screens up here.

Is there anything else?

- Negative, control tower.

- Control tower, over and out.

- [Claxton] Roger.

(door slamming)
- Hey, will you!

(audience laughing)

- What did you find out?

- The need screens
in the control tower.

- Doesn't he know
when flight 22 is arriving?

- Control tower to Trans
Pixley Airlines desk.

- Trans Pixley Airlines
desk, go ahead, control tower.

(audience laughing)

- This is unbelievable.

- There's something landing now.

- You're sure it's not a fly?

- No, it has too many engines.

- Oh, you dirty...
- Over and out.

(door slamming)

- Oh, hey cut, - Whew!

(motor droning)

- It's a plane!

- Well don't seem so
surprised, this is an airport.

- Well, let's see if
Uncle Fedor is on it.

- Well those are
the last passengers,

you sure you didn't see him?
- No.

- He must have missed the plane.

- Well, what should we do?

- Well let's go home.

I'm sure if he comes in,
he'll get in touch with us later.

- That's very strange; Uncle
Fedor was always so prompt.

- Well prompt...
- [Fedor] In here.

- Uncle Fedor, oh!

- Hey, hey, hey, where
do you think you're going?

- In there to, oh!

- Is the coast clear?

- Uh, what do you, uh,

- Yes, there is
nobody here, just us.

Oh, Uncle Fedor!

- No names, please!

- Where's your luggage?

- Who is this?
- My husband.

- How long have you known him?

- Since we were married.

- You didn't know
him before that?

- Not too well.

- Do you have
any identification?

- What do you...
- Oh, he's all right.

- I guess I'll have to
take your word for it.

Do you have a car?

- Yes, outside.

- Good, let's get going.

You, walk six paces behind us

and make believe
you don't know us.

- Well, here we
are, Uncle Fedor.

- Good, I don't think
anybody followed us.

- Hey, why are you so...

- Are you sure
you can trust him?

- Hey look, - Oh,
come in, Uncle Fedor.

- After you.

- You go first.

We made it.

- Would you mind
telling what you're...

- Shh!

- Uh, what are you uh, - Shh!

- What are you looking for?

- Bugs.

- We don't have
any bugs, just flies.

(audience laughing)

- He means microphones.

- How did you know that?

- Well, I uh, read,

- What's in there?

- The kitchen.

- Would you like to
have some coffee?

Come on in.

- Thank you.

- Go ahead.

- You go first.

- Won't you sit
down, Uncle Fedor?

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- You make coffee
just like your mother.

- No wonder your
father had ulcers.

- What?

- Oh nothing, nothing.

(audience laughing)

What's that for?

- Can't be too careful.

(audience laughing)

- Look, what are you afraid of?

- Nothing.

- Come on now, you're
afraid of something, what is it?

- Well, whatever
it is, we'll help you.

- Well I have to trust somebody.

Would you mind
locking that door?

- Now there's noth...
- Oh well, I'll lock it.

- Oh, thank you.

Well it started in
Hungary, after the war.

Professor Heinbecker
came to see me and said

he's been working
on this secret formula,

which he'd been
keeping from the Nazis,

but now the
communists wanted it.

And would I smuggle it
out of the country for him.

Well, I thought he was kidding.

Until I noticed the knife
sticking out of his back.

(audience laughing)

Then there was a pounding
at the door, police whistles.

So I took the envelope,

I climbed out of the
window, and jumped.

- You could have
killed yourself.

- No, I lived in the basement.

(audience laughing)

- What?

- Well, I went
over the back fence

and made my way to the border,

only I couldn't get
across because

there was a lot of secret police

searching everybody's
trunkie, and I didn't have one.

I went up to the
mountains and hid.

But they found me,

so I skied down
the Alps to Paris.

(audience laughing)

- Now, how can you ski down...

- How did you find me?

- Well, in Paris I
ran into your mother,

and she hid me
out in her chateau.

But then one morning I noticed
the milkman taking pictures.

Right away I knew that the
secret police had found me again.

So I brought the first
submarine for America,

and here I am.

(audience laughing)

- The first submar...

- Well, you're safe here.

- I don't know.

The secret police never give up.

I think I was followed by a
fellow with a scar on his face.

- Nobody's gonna
come... (knocking at door)

- There they are,
where can I hide?

- In the bedroom, under the bed.

- Be careful!

(knocking at door)

- I'm coming.

(metallic clang)
Ooh! What did you...

- Hey, where's the guy
with the secret formula?

- How did you know about it?

- I was listenin' at the window.

- Well, what were you li...

- What an exciting story!

It's like living in the middle
of Mission Impossible.

- Ab, don't tell anybody
what you heard.

- Lisa, you don't really

believe that ridiculous
story, do you?

- Don't you?

- Of course not.

Far as I'm concerned, he
made the whole thing up

so he could stay with us
for a while and freeload.

- Oh, Oliver!

- How long do you think
he's gonna stay here?

- Until they kill him.

- Or longer, if he has to.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, I had enough
of this nonsense.

Secret police, a guy
with a scar on his face,

secret formulas,

- Don't forget about skiing
down the Alps to Paris.

(audience laughing)

- You can't ski down
the Alps to Paris.

Look, if you two want
to believe him, fine.

But leave me out of it.

I'm going on into Drucker's.

Afternoon, Mr. Drucker.

- Oh hi, Mr. Douglas.

I hear you got a spy
livin' at your house.

- What?

- The fellow with
the secret formula.

- How did you?

- Skied all the
way to Paris, huh?

- Look, Mr. Drucker, I don't
know where you heard all this,

but it's a lot of hogwash.

He's just a Hungarian
house guest.

- Oh? I wonder why this
fellow was asking about him.

- What fellow?

- The fellow with
a scar on his face.

- A scar?

What'd he want to know?

- If you had anybody
stayin' with you.

- You didn't tell him, did you?

- Well I didn't really
know at that time.

All I knew was that
he skied down the Alps

and stayed at your
mother-in-law's chateau

until the painter
started taking pictures.

- It was the milkman.

- You sure?

- Yes.

- That's funny, I heard
it was the painter.

But anyway, if this fellow
with the scar shows up again,

I won't tell him anything.

- Good.

- You can count on
me, mum's the word.

- Yeah, thank you.

- My lips are sealed.

- Fine.

- They can torture me,
shoot me full of truth serum,

but I won't talk, they won't
get anything outta me.

- Thank you, Mr. Drucker.

(loud vacuum whooshing)

And Mr. Drucker said this
man was asking questions

about your Uncle Fedor.

- Did he have a
scar on his face?

- Yeah.

Now look, you don't
have to hide under the bed.

- Stay there, Uncle Fedor.

- Don't worry, I will.

- And you didn't believe
Uncle Fedor's story.

- No, I still don't.

- Fascist! (audience laughing)

- Look, if your story is
true, let's call the CIA.

They'll catch the
man with the scar.

- It wouldn't do any good.

There is always the
Russian fellow with the ear off.

- Who's that?

- Ivan Earoff.
(audience laughing)

- Get back under the
bed. (audience laughing)

Lisa, I don't know
what this is all about.

(knocking at door)

- Who is that?

(knocking at door)

- Oh, it's you.
- Shh,

- What's the matter?

- I'm under cover.

- Mister Haney!

- No names, please.

- Look, I...
- My card.

- The No Names Please
Protection Agency.

- Now I suppose you
want full protection

for that fellow that's
under your bed.

- How did you know?

- Do you want 24
hour protection,

12 hour protection,
or any portion thereof?

- I don't want any protection.

- You mean you're just gonna

leave Uncle Fedor to
the mercy of scar face?

- Mister Haney...
- Not to mention Earoff.

Now, he's the one you
really gotta watch out for.

- How did you...

- Now, if you don't
want personal protection,

perhaps you'd be interested

in my do-it-yourself
protection kit.

This consists of a
di-rect line to the FBI.

(audience laughing)

Hello, FB?

This is I. (audience laughing)

Yeah, I'm here
talkin' to him now.

As soon as he signs
up, I'll let you know.

Over and out.

- Of all the ridiculous...

- Now, in addition
to the direct line,

you'll get the
services of Killer,

my army-trained commando dog.

(loud whistle) Here, Killer!

(silly music)
(audience laughing)

Ain't he a clever dog?

Disguising himself as a chimp!

- That's not a d...
- Speak!

(dog barking)

Ain't that frightening?

- Mr. Haney, would you

take Bozo, or whatever he
is and get him out of here?

(dog barking)

- Killer, he ain't convinced,

so you might as well
take off your baboon suit.

(audience laughing)
(dog whining)

- Mr Haney, will you
please, (dog howling)

- Excuse me, his zipper's stuck.

(audience laughing)

(zipper rasping)

(dog barking)

- How did you?

No, no, don't tell me;
I don't want to hear it.

(audience laughing)

- You stupid dog, I told you

nobody's gonna fall for
your bum baboon imitation.

(audience laughing)
(dog whining)

- I think you should have

hired Mr. Haney to
protect Uncle Fedor.

- Oh some protection!

All he has is a dog that
disguises himself as a baboon.

- How does he do that?

- He puts on a baboon suit.

- Mr. Haney does?

- No, the dog puts it on.

Oh, I'm fed up with this whole,

Fedor, come on out of there.

Uncle Fedor come, he's not here.

- He found a new hiding place.

- Where?

- In the closet.

- Come on out, Uncle Fedor.

What the?

- It's me, Fedor.

- Really?

- You see, Uncle Fedor, it
worked, he didn't know you.

He figured if they're
looking for a man,

they wouldn't know him.

- Oh no, no, he'd fool anybody.

(knocking at door)

- Who is there?

- I'll find out.

Who is there?

- Who's where?

- Who is at the front door?

- Oh, wait a minute, I'll see.

Oh, it's me, Hank Kimball.

- Oh, come on in, Mr. Kimball.

Oh Mr. Kimball is
all right, come on.

I want you to meet him.

Come along, there
you go, there you are.

- Oh, hello Mrs. Douglas.

- I am Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh, then who is
this pretty little thing?

- This is my Aunt Fedor.

- Oh, well Aunt Fedor,

you're the spitting
image of Mrs. Douglas.

Well, not the spitting image.

You need a shave.

(audience laughing)

- Will you take
off that negligee?

No no, not you!
(audience laughing)

You.

- Gee, I didn't know it was
gonna be that kind of a movie.

(audience laughing)

- Well, Aunt Fedor is
really my Uncle Fedor.

- Oh, I heard about
those operations.

(whistling)

- Uncle Fedor is in trouble.

The secret police are after him.

And they traced him here

and if they catch
him, they'll kill him.

- Oh I wouldn't worry
about that if I were you.

Yes, if I were you I
would worry about that.

- You didn't happen to see a
fellow with a scar on his face?

- No, the only fellow I
met didn't have an ear.

He was asking
a lot of questions.

- What kind of questions?

- He wanted to know if I'd seen

a fellow with a
scar on his face.

(audience laughing)

- Well if you see
him, don't tell him

anything about Uncle Fedor.

- Don't worry, I'll play dumb.

- There's a part that's
right up your alley.

(audience laughing)

- Well, Uncle Fedor,
I want you to know

that even if they do kill you,

you'll always be welcome
here in Hooterville.

- What's the matter with him?

- They're not sure, but
they're working on it.

- Mr. Douglas?
- What's the matter?

- I just saw a fellow
hidin' in the cornfield.

He has a scar on his face.

- If you need me,
I'll be under the bed.

- Oliver, we better
lock the doors

and pull down the shades and...

- Lisa, if there's
somebody out there,

I better have a
little talk with him.

- He's not there any more.

When he saw me, he took
off over the fence like a shot.

He tore his suit.

- Yes, that's secret
police cloth all right.

- It sure is.

- What secret police cloth?

- It's made out
of used microfilm.

- That's right!

- You don't even
know what microfilm is.

- Why are you hollering at her?

You don't even know
what secret police cloth is.

(audience laughing)

- Oliver, we've got
to protect Fedor.

Tonight, we're all going
to have guard duty.

- Not me; I'm going to sleep.

- Don't worry, Uncle
Fedor; I'll stand guard.

(knocking at window)

- Oliver, Oliver!

- Yeah, what's the matter?

- There is somebody
outside the window.

- What?

- All's well on this
side of the house.

- Fine.

That silly... (knocking at door)

- Oliver, there is
somebody at the front door.

- All's well at the
front of the house too.

- Why are you?

- I got the house surrounded.

Care to meet me in the kitchen
for my back-door-alls-well?

- Eb, if you disturb
me once more...

- Who was it?

- Eb; go back to sleep.

(audience laughing)

(knocking at door)

Oh, that silly kid!

- I am looking for Fedor.

- Who are you?

- I'm with the...

- Don't move, I got you covered.

- Good work, Eb.

Now maybe we can find
out what this is all about.

- Look you're making...

- Keep your hands up!

- What I want to know...
- Oliver, who,

why has Eb got the
broom in this fellow's back?

- Oh for the love of...

- Don't move, it's loaded.

- Now look.

- It's the fellow with
the scar on his face

that's after Uncle Fedor.

- Where is he?

- We don't squeal
to the secret police.

- I'm not the secret police.

- Then why are you wearing

the coat made out of
the secret police cloth?

- I'm with the New York
City District Attorney's Office.

I've got a bench warrant
for the arrest of this Fedor.

- May I see that?

- I had some time
tracking him down.

I lost him when he skied
down the Alps to Paris.

Then I picked up
his trail and found him

hiding in this
old bat's chateau.

That old bat happens
to be my mother.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, well she's a
very nice old bat.

(audience laughing)

- Do you know what your
Uncle Fedor is wanted for?

- What?

- Back alimony.

- And you said he
wasn't a real Hungarian.

(audience laughing)

- Oh I never!

But can you imagine that guy

making up that phony
story of foreign intrigue?

- Do you mind telling
me where he is?

- Gladly; follow me.

- Oliver, don't fink on Fedor!

- Fedor, Fedor!

Oh he's gone.

He left a note.

By the time you read
this, I'll be on my way

to an unnamed country
to sell the secret formula.

The secret, he never
gives up, does he?

Do not try to follow me.

This note will self-destruct
in five seconds.

He's got the most
vivid imagination that...

(loud popping)

("Green Acres" theme music)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, Dahling.