Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 5, Episode 2 - Everybody Tries to Love a Countess - full transcript

(upbeat theme music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife



♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(upbeat theme music)

- Lisa, Lisa.

- What's the matter?

- Who's the strange man
sleeping on the couch?

(audience laughs)

- Ooh, that's Oliver.

- Oliver who?

- My husband.

- What a horrible sight to
wake up to in the morning.

(audience laughs)

- I heard what that
old Hungarian said.

- That's a fine way to
talk about my mother.



- Yeah, how 'bout the
way she talked about me?

- That's different,
you're my husband.

- What's that got to do with it?

- How did you sleep last night?

- Oh, terrible, this couch
has more lumps in it than...

- Ooh, seems soft to me,

maybe it's you that is lumpy.

(audience laughs)

- I'm no lumpier than the
average American husband.

- Oh Oliver, it won't
be for much longer,

Mother will only be
here a few weeks more.

- A few weeks?

Have you ever seen a
strong, lumpy man cry?

(audience laughs)

- Well, if you don't want
my mother to visit us,

then why did you invite her?

- I didn't invite her,
she barged in here

with 80 pieces of luggage,
a house boy, a dog...

- Well it could've been worse,

she might have brought
my uncle aunt Max with her.

- Your uncle aunt Max?

- The one that works in
the circus as a half man

and a half woman.

(audience laughs)

- I don't believe you
ever mentioned him,

or her, or whatever.

- Well, you see
what happened was...

- Look, Lisa, I really don't
mind your mother being here,

but, why don't we try
to rearrange things?

- That's what they tried to
do with Aunt Max, you see...

- I'm talking about us,
why can't you and I go back

to sleeping in the bedroom,
and let your mother sleep here.

- Well, Mother would
be glad to do that,

but she has a thing about
sleeping on a public couch.

(audience laughs)

- A public couch?

Look, how about the
Shady Rest Hotel?

They've got nice rooms,
big comfortable beds.

- Mother already
suggested that, but I told her

that I didn't think that you
wanted to move to a hotel.

- Oh, Timbuktu!

- Where are you going?

- To shave and get dressed.

- Oh you can't,
Mother is taking a bath.

- Well I want to get to work.

- Well why don't
you take a shower?

- I can't, she's using the
hose to fill up the bath tub.

- Well, she only going
to be for a minute.

- But will it be alright
if I get my clothes

out of the bedroom?

- Of course.

- Thank you.

(dog barks)

- You lay one fang on
me and... (dog barks)

- What's he doing
in out bedroom?

- Guarding Mother's jewels.

- I'm not gonna
steal her jewels.

- Well how does he know that?

- He'll just have to
take my word for it.

(dog barks)

- It's alright, Shawn,
I'll keep an eye on him.

- Where are my clothes?

- Mother needed
the room for hers.

(audience laughs)

- What did she do with mine?

- Well, she put them
away, what do you need?

- I need my slacks,
my shirt, my vest.

- Here you are.

Oh no, no, this is your tuxedo.

- What kind of...

- Oh, here we are, there.

- This is my good, look
at this, my good suit.

- It needs pressing.

- It was pressed.

- Then why is it wrinkled?

- Because your mother...

- Oh, here are your slacks.

- And where are my shoes?

- I think Mother put
them in the pocket.

(audience laughs)

- For the love of...

- Isn't that a handy
way to put things away?

- No, it's not!

- Don't yell, Mother
is taking a bath.

- What has that got
to do with putting...

- You get dressed,
and then we see

what we're going to do today.

- I know what I'm
going to do today,

I'm going to spray the corn.

- Well, that's not going to
be very amusing for Mother.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, but darling, my mother
has been here for two weeks,

and she's hardly
been out of the house.

- Look, that's not my fault,

why don't you take
her out and show her

all the sights around here?

- What sights?

- There are a lot of things,

take her up to the
museum in Picksley,

let her look at the dead frogs.

(audience laughs)

- Or go over to Ben Miller's,

get him to show her
his three legged rooster.

(audience laughs)

- Now, why would she want
to see a three legged rooster,

when we've got an
Aunt Max in the family?

(audience laughs)

- Oh, yeah, yeah,
I forgot about uh...

- Oliver, I have a feeling,
that if we don't show Mother

a good time, she's
going to leave.

(audience laughs)

- When? (audience laughs)

- That wasn't very nice,
after she came all the way

from Europe to see us.

- She's seen us,

if she wants she can take
another look before she goes.

- Oliver!

- Lisa, I'll admit,
there's very little here

for your mother to
do, she'd be better off

with her friends in
Rome, Paris, London.

- But she came here to
get to know you better.

- Know me, she can't
even remember my name!

- Polliver!

- Oliver.

- Well, she was close.

- How do you shut off the hose?

- I'll do it.

- Mother, what would
you like to do today?

- Oh, that's up to
you and, uh, Escobar.

- [Oliver shouts] Oliver!

(audience laughs)

- Who is he calling?

- Mother, is there anything
you would like to see?

- Like what?

- Well, Mr. Miller has
a three legged rooster,

and the museum with the frogs.

- No, thank you,
you know darling,

I have been thinking,
I have an invitation

from the Duke to go
grouse hunting in Scotland.

If I left today...
- Mother, you cant!

- Can't what?

- Leave today.

- Yes she can.

- No, she can't.

- Look if that's what
she wants to do.

- But she doesn't!

- She said she did!

- Well, I really don't.

- Will you stay out of this?

(audience laughs)

- Oliver!

- Who's Oliver?

(audience laughs)

- Oh for the love of...

- Breakfast ready soon.

- Oh good Kyoto, I'm starved,

I'll be in as soon
as I get dressed.

- But what about
Mother's leaving?

- We can discuss that
while she's packing.

(upbeat theme music)

- Eggs benedict?

- You like?

- Oh, ho, ho, I sure do!

- So do dog.

(audience laughs)

- Eggs Benedict for a...

- He very fussy eater.

- Oh, what is that?

- Breakfast steak, you like?

- Oh, I certainly do!

- So do Countess,
this her breakfast.

(audience laughs)

- Well, could you make me some?

- Good morning Kyoto!

- Oh good morning
Master Douglas.

- Master Douglas?

- Oh, he your son, in Japan,
man who has son, very happy.

- He's not my son.

- Then, you not be
happy man in Japan.

(audience laughs)

- Look I don't care,
look, I'm very hungry,

I'd like to have
something to eat.

- I'm very hungry too,
is my breakfast ready?

- One minute!

- I ordered it last night,

boy I sure am glad Grandma
Countess brought Kyoto.

What a cook!

- She's not your grand...

- I no be here anymore,
Countess and I leaving today.

- She can't leave!

- Yes she can!

- But why?

- Mr. Douglas throw us out!

- Oh, I didn't.

- How could you do that
to such a wonderful woman.

Do you know what she did?

She sent to New
York for a suit for me.

It cost $200.

- 200? Oh, I don't believe it!

- You will when
you get the bill.

(audience laughs)

- What!?

- She charged it to you!

- She had no right to...

- How could you
throw out a generous,

kind hearted woman like her?

- Look, Eb, she's leaving
of her own free will,

she's bored here, there's
nothing for her to do.

- That's your fault, you never
even took her over to see

Ben Miller's three
legged chicken.

(audience laughs)

- There you are!

Eggs, sausage, ham, bacon,
country fried potatoes, toast,

- You forgot somthing.

- Oh yeah, hominy glits.

I fix 'em right away.

- Forget the glits, fix
me some breakfast!

- Your breakfast in oven,
I cook something special.

- Oh, something special.

- There you are.

(bubbling)

- Hot cakes?

- Your wife was
saying, you love them,

eat them every morning.

She show me, I cook
them just the way she does.

- Just the way she does.

- You like them
blooping like that.

- Could I have
some ham and eggs?

- Sorry, no more.

- Well, how 'bout
that breakfast steak?

- Last one for Countess.

- Um, eggs benedict?

(audience laughs)

- All gone.

- Well, what have you got?!

- Just bloopers.

- He means bloopers.

- I don't need you to translate
my wife's hot cakes for me!

- Well what do I do with those?

- Get some wire and some solder

and make transistor
radios out of them.

(audience laughs)

(sneezes)

- Hi Sam.

- Oh, hi Joe, how are
things at the Shady Rest?

- Ah, boomin' I'm thinking
of putting in a ski lift.

- What for?

- To lift skis.

- To lift ...?

- What kind of soda pop you got?

- I got lemon, lime,
orange, cherry,

raspberry, birch
beer, and strawberry.

- I'll take strawberry.

- That'll be 10 cents.

- 10 cents? Say is it all
right if I exchange this

for a bottle of orange?

- Yeah, go ahead.

That'll be 10 cents.

- How much was the strawberry?

- 10 cents.

- Well, I exchanged that for
the orange, so now we're even.

(audience laughs)

- We're not!

- You got an opener?

- Yeah, but it'll cost
you 10 cents to use it.

- Isn't that a little steep?

- Look, if you
want free soda pop,

you gotta pay for
the use of the opener.

- Well in that case
(audience laughs)

- Joe you ...!

- Here's mud in your eye.

- You blankety-blank!

- It's a dang shame,
that's what it is.

A dang shame.

- Have a free soda
pop, Eb, use my opener.

- They're not free.

- I don't want any
anyway, not the way I feel.

- What's a matter?

- Grandma Countess is
leaving, that's what's a matter.

- Well I thought she was
gonna stay another few weeks.

- Who was gonna stay?

- Mrs. Douglas' mother.

- Have a bottle of
free soda pop Haney.

- Free? I thought they's a dime?

- Well Sam's got a new
policy, the soda pop's free,

but he charges you 10
cents for the use of his opener.

- Oh, well then, in that case...

(audience laughs)

- Joe, will you stop...

- Why is the Countess leaving?

- Guess Mr. Douglas got
tired of her free loading.

Mmm, I think I'll have a lime.

- Joe, don't...

- I thought the
Countess liked it here.

- She does, but she's
bored, there's nothing to do,

nowhere to go.

- You mean Mr. Douglas
aint took her over to see

Ben Miller's three
legged chicken?

(audience laughs)

- No sir.

- This aint cold.

- Too bad.

- Got any ice?

- In the cooler.

- Where's the key?

- In the cooler.

Joe, you're driving
me out of my mind.

- Poor Grandma,
nobody ever takes her out,

she just sits there,
day after day,

like a bump on a log.

- Maybe that's the reason
they don't take her out,

who wants to go out with a
woman who looks like a log bump?

(audience laughs)

- You've never seen
her, she's very attractive.

In fact, she's
beautiful, more beautiful

than most wealthy women.

- Wealthy?
- Wealthy?

- Yeah, she's got a big
limousine and a villa in Italy,

and more jewelry
than Mrs. Douglas.

- Uh, care to make
a rough estimate

on how much the
jewelry is worth?

- A million dollars!

- Excuse me gentleman,

I just thought of
an errand I gotta do.

- Haney, if you're
thinking of...

oh that Haney, the
minute he smells money.

- I got an errand I gotta do.

- What kind of errand?

- An errand of mercy,

oh say, I'll need some
sure fire breath mints,

a tube of Black's
hair slick 'em,

and some Italian
after shave lotion,

put it in a sack and
I'll pick it up later.

(audience laughs)

- Joe, you outta be
ashamed of yourself.

- For doing my civic duty?

Saving that poor wealthy
woman from the clutches

of that no-good Haney.

(audience laughs)

- He's a good man.

(audience laughs)

(mellow theme music)

- Oliver?

- Hmm?

- Mother has most of
her suitcases packed,

she needs her trunk, will you
please get it out of the barn?

- Sure, I'd be glad to.

- That's what I thought you say.

- What did I say?

- That you are glad
that she's leaving.

- I said I'd be glad
to get the trunk.

- It's the same thing,
the trunk is for leaving,

and you're glad to get it.

- Oh, for... Lisa, you act as if

I'm throwing your mother out.

- Well, you finally admitted it.

(audience laughs)

- Your mother is leaving
because she hasn't got

anything to do.

- You could have found
her something else

besides a three legged chicken.

(audience laughs)

- It's your mother's decision,

so let's not argue
anymore about it.

Oh, Mr. Haney.

- Mr. Douglas, is her
lordship, the Countess anon?

- Anon?

What are you made up
for, this isn't Halloween, is it?

- Mr. Douglas, don't
you recognize a royal

tea drinking suit
when you see one?

- No, no I just...

- Would you mind tellin'
her royalness that I am here?

- Look, she's very busy now.

- It will just take a moment,

I just want to present
her with this $29 bouquet,

of fresh cut,
artificial flowers.

(audience laughs)

- $29 for that?

- Oh, hello there Mr. Haney.

- Mrs. Douglas.

- Don't you look nice in
your royal tea drinking suit.

(audience laughs)

- What are you talking
about, there's no such thing.

- Who are those for?

- Oh, you mean this $32 bouquet?

They're for your
charming mother.

- They were $29 two minutes ago.

- Well, as they
say, time is money.

Would you mind trotting
out her Countesship?

- Oh mother is just
a plain Countess,

she doesn't have
a ship on her hand.

Mother!

- Oh Lisa, I wouldn't
disturb her now, that she's...

- Oh Mother!

- Oh, what a beautiful voice
you have for mother calling.

- Oh Mother, there is...

- What's the matter darling?

- Somebody here
who want to meet you.

- Oh, oh we've met before.

- No, not me, him.

- You remember Mr. Haney.

- Yes, how do you do?

- May I present you with
this $47 bouquet of flowers?

(audience laughs)

- What happened to that
$29 bouquet you came in with?

- Thank you very much.

- My pleasure, Countess,
I've heard that you are

unhappy here, because you
have nothing to do but wash

your expensive limousine,
and polish your jewels,

and worry about
your villa in Italy.

- Well no, I...

- Madam, I have come to
relieve you of your boredom.

- Also your limousine,
your jewelry,

and your villa in Italy.

(audience laughs)

- Oliver.

I think it's very nice of
you to look after Mother.

What would you like to drink?

- Champagne would be fine.

- Champagne, uh, I
thought that was your

royal tea drinking suit?

- Oh, it's a reversible.

- Oliver, would you
please tell Kyoto

to put some
champagne on the ice?

- And put these into water.

- Water? These
are artificial flowers.

- Put them into
artificial water.

(audience laughs)

- He's not too bright, is he?

Now as I's about
to say, Countess,

seein' that we're
both bachelors,

I thought that perhaps you
and I could bach it together.

- I beg your pardon?

- Well, what I meant was,
I would like to escort you

to the outstanding social
event of the season,

the Hooterville Volunteer
Fire Department Mardi Gras.

- I'd love to go, but
I'm leaving today.

- Why not Mother, now
you have a reason to stay.

- Oh but Lisa...

- Oh she'll be
happy to go with you.

- Well, I guess I could stay.

- Huh, stay where?

- Here.

- She's already packed.

- But Mr. Haney
invited Mother to go

to the Fire Department
Mardi Gras with him,

isn't that wonderful?

- Wonderful? When will it be?

- A week from Friday night.

(audience laughs)

- A week from next Friday?

- Isn't that wonderful?

- Will you stop saying that?

- Don't you want her to stay?

- Oh, of course, of course,

but I don't think
she'll enjoy it as much

as the grouse
shooting in Scotland.

- Yes she will.

- No she wont.

- I'm sure I will.

- I'm sure you wont.

- Then it's all settled.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, by the way Countess,

are you doing
anything this evening?

- No, I am not.

- Good, then I'll be over to
watch television with you,

goodbye, or as we say in
Italian, arrive-in-your-derci.

- Arrive-in-your-derci?

- Until tonight then.

- Mother come, I'll
help you unpack.

(slow theme music)

- See you later.

(gunshots from TV)

- Aint that Gene Autry great?

- Which one is she?

- Uh, no, no
Countess, he aint a she,

he's the feller on the horse.

- The one with the gun,
that's shoosting the ataches.

- I believe they're Apaches.

- But it's hard to tell with
all that paint on their face.

- Watch this part Countess.

(groans)

- They're shoosting
up the ataches again.

Lisa, Lisa, - What's the matter?

- Set down, I gotta
get some sleep.

- Oh I'd love to, but Mr. Haney
and Mother are watching it.

- Oh, Mr. Haney,
if it wasn't for him

your mother would've...
- My mother what?

- Nevermind, just keep
the set down, shut the door

and let me go to sleep,
I got a big day tomorrow.

- Alright darling, sleep good.

(tv heard in the background)

(knocking)

- Aww, who's that?

Oh, hello Mr. Carson.

- Evening Mr. Douglas.

I was on my way to
do a little frog scaring,

I saw the light go out,

I thought maybe you had
a short circuit or something.

- Oh, no, no, no, I turned
off the light because...

- Oliver, I told you my...

Oh, hello there Mr. Carson.

- Evening Mrs. Douglas,
I just dropped by

to fix your short circuit.

- We don't have a short circuit.

- If the Countess would
like to watch me work at it.

- I'll ask her; Mother!

- Lisa, you don't have to...

- Get me a pair of
pliers and some tape.

- Look, there's
nothing wrong with...

- Yes, dear?

- Mother, this is Mr. Carson.

- Well how do you do?

(audience laughs)

- No, not me, him.

- Oh, oh hello Mr. Carson.

- How do you do, always
nice to meet a royal head.

- Mr. Carson came over
to fix our short circus.

- No, no, we don't
have a short circus...

uh, but a circuit, circuit.

- Yeah, I've done
a lot of electric work

for some of the biggest
crowns in Europe.

You ever been to Europe?

- I was born in Budapest.

- Oh, well you should
come to Europe some time,

you'd love it.

- Look, if you don't
mind, I'd like to...

- Oh, I thought you went to
get the pliers and the tape?

- No, I told you we...

- Yeah Countess, I
guess I've hob-knobbed

with most of the royal crowns.

You know, I bet you and me
got a lot of common friends.

- Wont you sit down?

- Yeah, come on babe.

- Look, Lisa, I want...

- Squatez vous, Countess.

- Squatez vous?

- Yeah, that's
French for sit down.

(audience laughs)

- You parlez French, Countess?

- Oui.

- Is that all you know?

(speaks in French)

- Yeah, I guess it
does look like rain.

(audience laughs)

- No, no, no,
Mother said that...

- Look, nevermind what
Mother said, I'd like to

schloffen on the couchen.

- Oh, Oliver.

- Don't you want to
see how the picture...

Joe Carson!

- Haney, what are
you doing here?

- Watching TV.

- With my finance?

- Fiance? I just met you!

- The longer you get to know me,

the more you realize what
a smart move you've made.

- Hold it, you aint
gettin' engaged to her!

I'm planning to
plight her in my troth.

- Plight her in your...

- What does that mean?

- I don't know, I just...

- Haney, the Countess requests
the presence of your leaving.

- I'll believe that
when I hear it

from my beloved's own lips.

- She aint your beloved,

and another thing...

- Gentlemen, please don't fight!

- I aint afraid of him,
he's got a yellow back

all the way up his street.

- Says you!

- Says me!

- I'll show you who has a...

- Hold it, if you two want
to fight, fight outside!

- Nobodies gonna tell us...
- Out!

- You big wind bag!

Help me on with it.

- Oliver, stop them, they
might hurt each other.

- Those two marshmallows?

- Oliver!

- I didn't start the fight.

- That's right, he
didn't, it wasn't his fault.

It was mine.

- But Mother, - Let
the nice lady talk.

- This couldn't have
happened if I had left

this afternoon
the way I planned.

- But we don't
want you to leave.

- Will ya let her talk?

- Darling, I've been here
for more than two weeks,

which is much more
than any mother in law

should visit with her children.

Not only did I start a fight
between those two men,

but you two started
quibbling with each other.

So the best thing I
can do for everyone,

including myself, is to leave

the first thing
tomorrow morning.

- Mother, I owe you an apology,

I thought you
were but you're not.

- Thank you Oliver.

- Who is Oliver?

- If you two ladies
will excuse me,

I'll make up the
couch again, and get...

- I'll sleep on the couch.

- What?

- I've kept you two
apart for long enough.

- Thank you, c'mon Lisa.

- Oh, Mother, are you
sure you'll be alright?

- I'll be fine.

- But...

- You heard your mother
now, she said she'd be fine,

c'mon Lisa.

- For one second,
do you want anything

before you go to sleep?

- No thanks.

- C'mon Lisa.

- Just a minute,
Mother, if you change

your mind about
staying... (door slams)

(Green Acres theme plays)

- He's a nice man,
that whatchamacallit.

(audience laughs)

(Green Acres theme plays)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.