Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 5, Episode 19 - The Cow Killer - full transcript
The rickety truck Haney delivers is not the modern one Oliver made a down payment on. He gives the con man until six PM to return his $200 down payment or face jail time for larceny. Oliver also cow troubles as Colby's bovine keeps coming over and stomping on his already puny crops. He attempts to scare Irene away by firing a shotgun into the air; instead, it frightens advertising men who think they're being shot at. As they speed away, a life-sized fiberglass cow flies off their roof. Lisa and Eb find it and assume Oliver is a cold blooded "cow shooster." Haney realizes it's a phony and uses it to his financial advantage by selling and reselling it a few times.
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan just
gimme that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye, city life
♪ Green Acres we are there
("Green Acres Theme Song")
- Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas!
(horn honks)
- What is this?
- The new truck you
ordered from Mr. Haney.
- This isn't the truck I bought!
- It's the one he gave me.
- That miserable Haney.
I shoulda known better than to
buy anything
from... (horn honks)
- Good morning.
- Mr. Haney.
- I can see by the pleased
expression on your face
how happy you are
with your new truck.
- Mr. Haney this is not the
truck that I bought from you.
- It isn't?
- No.
The truck you showed me
and the truck I bought
was almost brand new.
- Oh well I couldn't
give ya that truck.
See that was a floor sample.
- A floor?
- Now shall we
get down to business?
You gave me $200 deposit.
So you still owe me
a balance of $250.
- I'm not giving you any $250.
- Well then I'm afraid I'll
be forced to take legal steps.
- Mr. Haney, if there are
any legal steps to be taken,
I'm the one that's
gonna take 'em,
because this time you
made a big mistake.
- Impossible.
- You gave me a bill of sale
with the other truck's
motor number on it.
So you're guilty of fraud
and perhaps larceny.
You can go to jail
for what you've done.
- To jail?
Well rather than have
a dissatisfied customer,
I'll return your $100 deposit.
- $200.
- Are you sure?
- I have your receipt.
- Well in that case, well
I'll give ya the money.
Here's your.
Doggone I must have a hole
in the pocket of my other suit.
- Mr. Haney.
I want the money.
- I'll have it here by
the first of the month.
- Now.
- Well it'll take a
little longer than that.
- Alright, I'll give ya
'til six o'clock tonight.
- Aw but...
- It's either
that or go to jail.
- Where am I gonna
get that kinda money?
- That's your problem.
Come on Eb, let's
get out in the corn.
- $200!
Well I can get the $10 back
that I let my
brother-in-law have
for letting me use his
truck as a floor sample.
But the other $190
might not be that easy.
- Why I ever buy anything
from Haney is beyond.
What the?
What happened to my corn?
- I don't know.
I never saw it look so good.
- Musta been Colby's cow.
- You mean Irene?
- This is the 2nd time this
week she's trampled my crops.
- At least somebody's getting
some enjoyment out of 'em.
- I told Colby
to fix that fence.
- It wouldn't do any good.
She's in love with your bull.
Barbed wire
wouldn't keep her out.
- You know I don't have a bull.
- Then she must
be in love with you.
- She's not in love
with. (cow moos)
- Uh oh.
Here's your sweetheart.
- Out!
- You two wanna be alone.
- Eb, will ya stop it.
Out, get out.
Out, go on.
- Irene, he's trying to tell
ya that the romance is over.
(playful music)
- [Colby] So there
you are, Irene.
- Look, Mr. Colby, look
what your cow did to my corn.
- Not Irene.
Why I've taught Irene to
tiptoe through a corn field.
- Look, can't you keep your
cow on your side of the fence?
- Not unless you fix it.
- Why should I fix it?
- 'Cause it's your fence.
- The fence is on
the property line,
it belongs to both of us.
- Looks like the break
was on your side.
- The break is on both sides!
- Well if you fix your side,
I won't have to
worry about mine.
- Alright, I'll fix it, but if that
cow breaks through again
and does any damage
to my crops I'll, I'll.
Well I wont' be
responsible for my actions.
- You'd better listen
to him Mr. Colby.
There's no telling what he'll
do when he gets his riles up.
- Come on Irene.
- Alright Eb, now
let's get some tools
and fix the fence.
- Oh hello there.
- And good morning.
My card.
- Thank you.
- Lady.
- Oh, you want your card back.
- Madam please.
My name is Wheeler.
I'm with the
advertising department
of the Salt Lake City
salt lick company.
- Oh, I was once
in Salt Lick City.
- No ma'am, that's
Salt Lake City.
We manufacture a salt lick.
- Well we're not very
big salt lickers here.
- Well maybe you
could tell me something.
Do you own that property down
there along the county road?
- No.
- Do you know who does?
- My husband.
He keeps everything in
his name, except my name.
- All I really wanna know is,
would your husband allow
us to put up a billboard
advertising our salt lick on
that property along the road?
- I don't think so.
- We'd be willing to pay him.
- Well, that wouldn't
make any difference.
He's a real hot head
about billboards.
He always said that the
countryside should remain unspoiled.
That if Mother Nature
wanted billboards,
she would have
gotten in touch with you.
- Well thanks anyway.
- You're welcome.
Did you want your card back?
- No, you can have it.
- Well that's good and solid.
The cow won't be able
to get through there again.
- Huh, she won't have to.
She found another way in.
- Oh that miserable.
Get out, get out!
Go on, get out!
Look at these tomatoes.
- Yeah, they look better
than they did last year.
- Mr. Kimball.
- Yeah, I noticed your
corn field looked better too.
- Look, Mr. Kimball,
we're a little busy.
- Hey, you better fix
that hole in the fence
or that cow is liable to
go over to Colby's place
and cause a lotta damage.
- That's Colby's!
- Well how'd she get in here?
- Through that
hole in the fence!
- Boy you oughta fix that.
- Look, I...
- I can't move her.
- That's no way to
try to move a cow.
I took a course in
college on cow moving.
There was one method
that was advocated
by Professor Lucius Feltweiner.
- What was that?
- You get a shotgun
and scare her off.
- If I had a shotgun
I think I would.
- Would you like to borrow mine?
- No, I...
- I took another course
in college that might work.
Animal psychology.
- Look, Mr. Kimball.
You're just wasting our...
- What's her name?
- Irene.
- Irene huh?
My dear, I would
like to talk to ya.
You understand?
(cow moos) (playful music)
- Holy hole in the fence.
Did you see that?
- What did you say to her?
- Well I told her you said
that if she didn't
get out of here
you were gonna borrow my
shotgun and blow her head off.
- Goodbye Mr. Kimball.
- Oh, well goodbye Mr. Douglas.
- How come you're so dirty?
- Huh? Oh!
- We were fixing the fence
to keep Mr. Douglas'
girlfriend out.
- Oh?
- Her name is Irene.
And she's in love with him.
- She's a cow.
- Well that's a nice
way to talk about a girl
who's in love with you.
- He's an 18 karat cad.
- She's Mr. Colby's cow.
And she keeps
breaking down the fence
and trampling my crops.
And if she does
it once more, I'll...
- You'll what?
- He'll blow her head off.
- Eb will you?
- He's gonna borrow
Mr. Kimball's shotgun.
- That's enough Eb.
- But.
- Just run along.
- Yes sir.
- Well you certainly
are a hot head.
- I am not a hot head.
- Well then why did
you want to borrow
Mr. Kimball's shot
gun to shoost the cow?
- I didn't want to borrow it.
- Here's the shotgun you
wanted to borrow Mr. Douglas.
- But.
- Well!
If I ever saw anybody with
a guilty look on their face.
And a shotgun in
their hand, that is you.
- Look, I didn't...
- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas.
Guess who broke down the fence
and is in your apple orchard
eating all your apples?
- Oh that miserable.
Well I'll fix her.
- Oh Oliver, don't do it.
Don't do it!
- We'll put the billboard
up right over there Phil.
- This side would be
better Mr. Wheeler.
- No that property
belongs to a hot head
who doesn't like billboards.
- Oh, well we don't wanna
tango with another one of them.
Remember the farmer
that took his shotgun to us?
- Vividly.
Come on, let's unload the truck.
- Irene I warned you.
Now get outta here.
Go on, out!
(gun fires)
- Was that a shotgun?
- Yeah and it's coming
from the direction
of the hot head's farm.
- [Oliver] Will you
get outta here?
- We're going, we're going.
Let's get moving.
(playful frenzied music)
- Irene, what would it
take to make you go home?
(cow moos)
I'm sorry, but I'm married.
- I think it's a good idea
for you to talk to Mr. Colby.
With your husband running
around with a loaded shotgun.
- Oh I don't think that
Mr. Douglas would shoot anybody.
- Uh oh.
Holy smoke.
- What is it?
- Irene.
- Why is she sleeping this way?
- She ain't sleeping.
- You mean she.
- As a doornail.
Mr. Douglas finally did it.
- Oliver.
Oliver how could you?
(sobs)
- Stay here.
Holy toledo.
- Is the cow really...
- She died a grade A death.
I guess she went out
the way she wanted to.
With her cream on top.
Boy if Mr. Colby
finds out about this,
he's gonna come
gunning for Mr. Douglas.
- What can we do?
- May I be of assistance?
- Mr. Douglas shot
Irene in a fit of rage.
- Your husband is a cow killer?
- What can we do?
Mr. Colby might
shoost my husband.
- Let me examine
the corpus delicious.
(hollow thunking)
It's a dud.
Maybe there's some way
I can parlay this into $190.
- Well Mr. Haney?
- It's Irene alright and
she's beyond morsel help.
- Oh the poor thing.
- But at a time like this,
we must think of the living,
namely Mr. Douglas.
And how to protect him
from Mr. Colby's wrath.
- Yeah.
- Now you two go home and
act as if nothing had happened.
And I'll get rid of the
rigor before mortise sets in.
- How much is that
gonna cost Mr. Haney?
- Let's not discuss
money at a time like this.
- Oh that's very kind of you.
- Oh I'll be around
later for my $50.
- Why are you staring at me?
- It's the first time I've
been this close to a killer.
It's a little frightening.
- What is he?
- Oh Oliver, oh Oliver.
Why did you do it?
Why, why, why, why?
- Have you been taking
Joan Crawford lessons?
- Just like pretty boy Floyd.
He's gonna brazen it out.
- Eb, take this gun
back to Mr. Kimball.
- Oh no.
You're not gonna get
my fingerprints on it.
I ain't gonna take
the rap for ya.
- What?
- You should be ashamed of
yourself, trying to frame him.
- You two haven't been at
the antifreeze again have you?
- Oliver, why did you do it?
Why, why, why?
- Will ya stop with the
vi vi and tell me vat vat?
- You shot Irene that's vat vat.
- You're outta your mind.
- No Oliver, you're the
one that's out of your mind.
That's how we're
going to get you off.
You're going to plead
temporary insanitation.
- Yeah there's always been
a streak of insanitation
in my family.
- Oh but don't worry Oliver.
I will stick by you.
- Lisa, I appreciate
your loyalty,
but I did not kill
Mr. Colby's cow.
- You fired the
shotgun, didn't you?
- In the air, straight up.
- That's the way we found her,
with her legs in
the air, straight up.
- Lisa I did not...
- Anyway Oliver, you
don't have to worry.
We got rid of her.
- Thank you, very much.
- Boy, there goes a
real coup cow killer.
- Well I know that you and
Irene were very good friends.
- Mrs. Douglas.
- Oh Mr. Haney.
- Is the killer around?
- No he's out in the apple
orchard fixing a fence.
- Good.
You'll be happy to know I
took care of that little matter.
I gave her a nice service,
dignified but simple.
Now may I have my $75?
- I thought you said $50.
- Well I figured you'd
want an organist.
- Well I don't have
the money with me.
- A check will be fine.
- Well thank you.
- Oh, if you don't mind,
just make it out to cash.
- Who's he?
- Uh, he's the organist.
Ogden Cash.
- There you are.
- 'Course we're not
outta the woods yet.
- We're not?
- No ma'am.
Mr. Colby hasn't
missed Irene yet.
And when he does, he'll
know what's happened
and he'll come a
gunning for your husband.
- What can we do?
What, what, what?
- That's one of the finest
impressions I've ever seen
of Joan Crawford.
- Thank you.
- Now the only way to keep
Colby from missing Irene
is to replace her
with another cow.
You wouldn't happen to
have a cow would you?
- Well just Eleanor.
But I can't give her up.
I couldn't do that to her.
- Well either you
do it to Eleanor
or Mr. Colby'll do
it to your husband.
- Oh I'm sorry Eleanor.
- Now if you will just make
me out another check for $15.
- What is that for?
- Transporting
Eleanor over to Colby's.
Now normally
there'd be no charge,
but unfortunately I'm
driving a unionized truck.
- Oh, well.
- But I don't need a cow.
- All I'm asking for is $100.
- And I wouldn't
give you $35 for her.
- Sold, $35.
- What's the matter with her?
Dried up?
- Colby, I resent you casting
nasturtiums on my honesty.
- Why are you so
anxious to sell her?
- Well I'm having a
gigantic cow clearance sale.
I'm getting rid of all my cows
to make room for a flock of
sheep I'm considering buying.
$35 eh?
You got a deal.
- Oh, Mr. Haney.
- Is the moo moo
murderer at home?
- No.
He went to Drucker's.
- Probably to get a tranquilizer
for his jagged nerves.
- No, he went
to get a fertilizer.
- Well that'll take the edge
off of a jagged nerve too.
- Anyway, I brought it over.
- Brought what over?
- Follow me.
I'm sorry it took so long.
- What took so long?
- Having Irene stuffed and
mounted as per your order.
Ain't that a work
of taxidermical art?
- Yes, but I didn't order it.
That wasn't your
voice on the phone
saying to have Irene stuffed
and mounted for $100?
- No, it wasn't.
- Perhaps it was your $50 voice?
- Well why would I want
to have Irene stuffed?
- As an object lesson to your
husband to curb his temper.
By having this
stuffed version of Irene
in such a prominent
place as your bedroom,
it will serve as a constant
reminder of his dastardly deed.
And I guarantee that he'll
never kill another cow again.
- Well, if it help to
curve his temper,
it's worth $25.
- Uh, I believe the last
figure mentioned was $50.
- $35 is the highest.
- Make it $45 and
you've bought yourself
a stuffed constant reminder.
- Alright, you put it in the
barn and I'll get your money.
- Mr. Douglas, this
ain't gonna work.
- Why not?
Something's broken,
you tie splints to it.
- Boy you've really blown
your mind since you...
- Since I what?
- Since you.
Holy smoke.
Look!
It's the ghost of Irene
come to haunt you.
- What?
- Haunt him.
He did it to ya.
But I tell ya it was
the ghost of Irene.
- How can it be the ghost of
Irene when the ghost of Irene
is in the barn,
in there stuffed?
- Where did you get this?
- I bought it from Mr. Haney.
He had it stuffed for me.
- This ain't Irene.
This is a phony.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, look what
it says right here.
Property of the Salt Lake
City salt lick company
advertising department.
- I should've known better.
Mr. Douglas never
could shoost anybody.
- He might start now when
he finds out about all the money
you gave Mr. Haney.
- Well maybe we
better not say anything.
- It's okay with me,
but how are you gonna
explain where Eleanor is?
- Oh, I forgot all about her.
You go over to Mr. Colby
and get her back.
- Okay.
What about stuffy?
- Well I have to find out
a way to get rid of her
before Mr. Douglas gets back.
- Looking for something?
- Yes, we had a stuffed
cow on top of our truck
and it fell off along
here somewhere.
- Have you seen it?
- Well that all depends.
Is there any reward?
- $10.
- Don't go away.
May I be of assistance?
- Mr. Haney.
You should be
ashamed of yourself.
- Why?
What did I do?
- Starting from the beginning.
You made me think that my
husband was a cow shooster.
Then you charge me to
get rid of the evidence.
And then you charge me
again for this stuffed phony and...
- You haven't told your
husband, have you?
- No, and I better not.
Otherwise we'll have a
stuffed Mr. Haney around here.
- You'd better get rid of this
before Mr. Douglas sees it.
- Well that was I
was trying to do.
- Let me take it
off of your hands.
- How much will that cost?
- Nothing!
Just a $10 trucking fee.
- I like nothing better.
- But...
- Nothing!
- Very well, I'll do it
as an act of mercy.
- Yep, this is it.
- Good.
May I have the $20 reward?
- I said $10.
- Oh that's correct.
But I had to pay $10
outta my own pocket
to the folks that found it.
Because they had
become so attached to it.
- Alright, here's your $20.
- Good.
This should do it.
- Eb, Eb!
- What's the matter?
- Eleanor's missing.
- Well then why are
you calling for Eb?
- Do you know where she is?
- What does she look like?
- Are you stalling me?
Where is Eleanor?
- The question is
where is Eleanor?
- Here she is.
- There she is.
Does that answer your question?
- Eb, where've you been?
- Oh we were jogging.
- Jogging?
Let me have her.
- You owe Mr. Colby $35.
- $35!
- What was that about $35?
- Who said that?
- You did.
- I didn't hear it.
- Eb.
Take Eleanor to the
barn and milk her.
- Yes sir.
- Lisa, what's going on?
You two've been
acting funny all day.
First you accuse me of...
- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas.
- It's five to six,
I suppose you've come
to ask for an extension.
- No sir.
I have come to
give you your $200.
If you'll count it please.
- Where did you
get all this money?
- Oh I picked it up.
A little here
and a little there.
- Mostly here.
- Satisfied?
- No.
There's only $195 here.
You're $5 short.
- I am?
Somewhere along the line I
didn't charge somebody enough.
Surely you'll trust
me for the other $5.
- Mr. Haney, I've put up with
enough of your shenanigans.
This time I'm gonna
teach you a lesson.
I want the $5 now.
- Well I haven't got it.
But I could tell you a $5
story about a stuffed cow.
- Nevermind Mr. Haney.
Here's your $5.
- Thank you.
- Why did you give him the $5?
- Well I heard the
stuffed cow story
and I don't think
you would've liked it.
("Green Acres Theme Song")
- [Woman] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan just
gimme that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye, city life
♪ Green Acres we are there
("Green Acres Theme Song")
- Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas!
(horn honks)
- What is this?
- The new truck you
ordered from Mr. Haney.
- This isn't the truck I bought!
- It's the one he gave me.
- That miserable Haney.
I shoulda known better than to
buy anything
from... (horn honks)
- Good morning.
- Mr. Haney.
- I can see by the pleased
expression on your face
how happy you are
with your new truck.
- Mr. Haney this is not the
truck that I bought from you.
- It isn't?
- No.
The truck you showed me
and the truck I bought
was almost brand new.
- Oh well I couldn't
give ya that truck.
See that was a floor sample.
- A floor?
- Now shall we
get down to business?
You gave me $200 deposit.
So you still owe me
a balance of $250.
- I'm not giving you any $250.
- Well then I'm afraid I'll
be forced to take legal steps.
- Mr. Haney, if there are
any legal steps to be taken,
I'm the one that's
gonna take 'em,
because this time you
made a big mistake.
- Impossible.
- You gave me a bill of sale
with the other truck's
motor number on it.
So you're guilty of fraud
and perhaps larceny.
You can go to jail
for what you've done.
- To jail?
Well rather than have
a dissatisfied customer,
I'll return your $100 deposit.
- $200.
- Are you sure?
- I have your receipt.
- Well in that case, well
I'll give ya the money.
Here's your.
Doggone I must have a hole
in the pocket of my other suit.
- Mr. Haney.
I want the money.
- I'll have it here by
the first of the month.
- Now.
- Well it'll take a
little longer than that.
- Alright, I'll give ya
'til six o'clock tonight.
- Aw but...
- It's either
that or go to jail.
- Where am I gonna
get that kinda money?
- That's your problem.
Come on Eb, let's
get out in the corn.
- $200!
Well I can get the $10 back
that I let my
brother-in-law have
for letting me use his
truck as a floor sample.
But the other $190
might not be that easy.
- Why I ever buy anything
from Haney is beyond.
What the?
What happened to my corn?
- I don't know.
I never saw it look so good.
- Musta been Colby's cow.
- You mean Irene?
- This is the 2nd time this
week she's trampled my crops.
- At least somebody's getting
some enjoyment out of 'em.
- I told Colby
to fix that fence.
- It wouldn't do any good.
She's in love with your bull.
Barbed wire
wouldn't keep her out.
- You know I don't have a bull.
- Then she must
be in love with you.
- She's not in love
with. (cow moos)
- Uh oh.
Here's your sweetheart.
- Out!
- You two wanna be alone.
- Eb, will ya stop it.
Out, get out.
Out, go on.
- Irene, he's trying to tell
ya that the romance is over.
(playful music)
- [Colby] So there
you are, Irene.
- Look, Mr. Colby, look
what your cow did to my corn.
- Not Irene.
Why I've taught Irene to
tiptoe through a corn field.
- Look, can't you keep your
cow on your side of the fence?
- Not unless you fix it.
- Why should I fix it?
- 'Cause it's your fence.
- The fence is on
the property line,
it belongs to both of us.
- Looks like the break
was on your side.
- The break is on both sides!
- Well if you fix your side,
I won't have to
worry about mine.
- Alright, I'll fix it, but if that
cow breaks through again
and does any damage
to my crops I'll, I'll.
Well I wont' be
responsible for my actions.
- You'd better listen
to him Mr. Colby.
There's no telling what he'll
do when he gets his riles up.
- Come on Irene.
- Alright Eb, now
let's get some tools
and fix the fence.
- Oh hello there.
- And good morning.
My card.
- Thank you.
- Lady.
- Oh, you want your card back.
- Madam please.
My name is Wheeler.
I'm with the
advertising department
of the Salt Lake City
salt lick company.
- Oh, I was once
in Salt Lick City.
- No ma'am, that's
Salt Lake City.
We manufacture a salt lick.
- Well we're not very
big salt lickers here.
- Well maybe you
could tell me something.
Do you own that property down
there along the county road?
- No.
- Do you know who does?
- My husband.
He keeps everything in
his name, except my name.
- All I really wanna know is,
would your husband allow
us to put up a billboard
advertising our salt lick on
that property along the road?
- I don't think so.
- We'd be willing to pay him.
- Well, that wouldn't
make any difference.
He's a real hot head
about billboards.
He always said that the
countryside should remain unspoiled.
That if Mother Nature
wanted billboards,
she would have
gotten in touch with you.
- Well thanks anyway.
- You're welcome.
Did you want your card back?
- No, you can have it.
- Well that's good and solid.
The cow won't be able
to get through there again.
- Huh, she won't have to.
She found another way in.
- Oh that miserable.
Get out, get out!
Go on, get out!
Look at these tomatoes.
- Yeah, they look better
than they did last year.
- Mr. Kimball.
- Yeah, I noticed your
corn field looked better too.
- Look, Mr. Kimball,
we're a little busy.
- Hey, you better fix
that hole in the fence
or that cow is liable to
go over to Colby's place
and cause a lotta damage.
- That's Colby's!
- Well how'd she get in here?
- Through that
hole in the fence!
- Boy you oughta fix that.
- Look, I...
- I can't move her.
- That's no way to
try to move a cow.
I took a course in
college on cow moving.
There was one method
that was advocated
by Professor Lucius Feltweiner.
- What was that?
- You get a shotgun
and scare her off.
- If I had a shotgun
I think I would.
- Would you like to borrow mine?
- No, I...
- I took another course
in college that might work.
Animal psychology.
- Look, Mr. Kimball.
You're just wasting our...
- What's her name?
- Irene.
- Irene huh?
My dear, I would
like to talk to ya.
You understand?
(cow moos) (playful music)
- Holy hole in the fence.
Did you see that?
- What did you say to her?
- Well I told her you said
that if she didn't
get out of here
you were gonna borrow my
shotgun and blow her head off.
- Goodbye Mr. Kimball.
- Oh, well goodbye Mr. Douglas.
- How come you're so dirty?
- Huh? Oh!
- We were fixing the fence
to keep Mr. Douglas'
girlfriend out.
- Oh?
- Her name is Irene.
And she's in love with him.
- She's a cow.
- Well that's a nice
way to talk about a girl
who's in love with you.
- He's an 18 karat cad.
- She's Mr. Colby's cow.
And she keeps
breaking down the fence
and trampling my crops.
And if she does
it once more, I'll...
- You'll what?
- He'll blow her head off.
- Eb will you?
- He's gonna borrow
Mr. Kimball's shotgun.
- That's enough Eb.
- But.
- Just run along.
- Yes sir.
- Well you certainly
are a hot head.
- I am not a hot head.
- Well then why did
you want to borrow
Mr. Kimball's shot
gun to shoost the cow?
- I didn't want to borrow it.
- Here's the shotgun you
wanted to borrow Mr. Douglas.
- But.
- Well!
If I ever saw anybody with
a guilty look on their face.
And a shotgun in
their hand, that is you.
- Look, I didn't...
- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas.
Guess who broke down the fence
and is in your apple orchard
eating all your apples?
- Oh that miserable.
Well I'll fix her.
- Oh Oliver, don't do it.
Don't do it!
- We'll put the billboard
up right over there Phil.
- This side would be
better Mr. Wheeler.
- No that property
belongs to a hot head
who doesn't like billboards.
- Oh, well we don't wanna
tango with another one of them.
Remember the farmer
that took his shotgun to us?
- Vividly.
Come on, let's unload the truck.
- Irene I warned you.
Now get outta here.
Go on, out!
(gun fires)
- Was that a shotgun?
- Yeah and it's coming
from the direction
of the hot head's farm.
- [Oliver] Will you
get outta here?
- We're going, we're going.
Let's get moving.
(playful frenzied music)
- Irene, what would it
take to make you go home?
(cow moos)
I'm sorry, but I'm married.
- I think it's a good idea
for you to talk to Mr. Colby.
With your husband running
around with a loaded shotgun.
- Oh I don't think that
Mr. Douglas would shoot anybody.
- Uh oh.
Holy smoke.
- What is it?
- Irene.
- Why is she sleeping this way?
- She ain't sleeping.
- You mean she.
- As a doornail.
Mr. Douglas finally did it.
- Oliver.
Oliver how could you?
(sobs)
- Stay here.
Holy toledo.
- Is the cow really...
- She died a grade A death.
I guess she went out
the way she wanted to.
With her cream on top.
Boy if Mr. Colby
finds out about this,
he's gonna come
gunning for Mr. Douglas.
- What can we do?
- May I be of assistance?
- Mr. Douglas shot
Irene in a fit of rage.
- Your husband is a cow killer?
- What can we do?
Mr. Colby might
shoost my husband.
- Let me examine
the corpus delicious.
(hollow thunking)
It's a dud.
Maybe there's some way
I can parlay this into $190.
- Well Mr. Haney?
- It's Irene alright and
she's beyond morsel help.
- Oh the poor thing.
- But at a time like this,
we must think of the living,
namely Mr. Douglas.
And how to protect him
from Mr. Colby's wrath.
- Yeah.
- Now you two go home and
act as if nothing had happened.
And I'll get rid of the
rigor before mortise sets in.
- How much is that
gonna cost Mr. Haney?
- Let's not discuss
money at a time like this.
- Oh that's very kind of you.
- Oh I'll be around
later for my $50.
- Why are you staring at me?
- It's the first time I've
been this close to a killer.
It's a little frightening.
- What is he?
- Oh Oliver, oh Oliver.
Why did you do it?
Why, why, why, why?
- Have you been taking
Joan Crawford lessons?
- Just like pretty boy Floyd.
He's gonna brazen it out.
- Eb, take this gun
back to Mr. Kimball.
- Oh no.
You're not gonna get
my fingerprints on it.
I ain't gonna take
the rap for ya.
- What?
- You should be ashamed of
yourself, trying to frame him.
- You two haven't been at
the antifreeze again have you?
- Oliver, why did you do it?
Why, why, why?
- Will ya stop with the
vi vi and tell me vat vat?
- You shot Irene that's vat vat.
- You're outta your mind.
- No Oliver, you're the
one that's out of your mind.
That's how we're
going to get you off.
You're going to plead
temporary insanitation.
- Yeah there's always been
a streak of insanitation
in my family.
- Oh but don't worry Oliver.
I will stick by you.
- Lisa, I appreciate
your loyalty,
but I did not kill
Mr. Colby's cow.
- You fired the
shotgun, didn't you?
- In the air, straight up.
- That's the way we found her,
with her legs in
the air, straight up.
- Lisa I did not...
- Anyway Oliver, you
don't have to worry.
We got rid of her.
- Thank you, very much.
- Boy, there goes a
real coup cow killer.
- Well I know that you and
Irene were very good friends.
- Mrs. Douglas.
- Oh Mr. Haney.
- Is the killer around?
- No he's out in the apple
orchard fixing a fence.
- Good.
You'll be happy to know I
took care of that little matter.
I gave her a nice service,
dignified but simple.
Now may I have my $75?
- I thought you said $50.
- Well I figured you'd
want an organist.
- Well I don't have
the money with me.
- A check will be fine.
- Well thank you.
- Oh, if you don't mind,
just make it out to cash.
- Who's he?
- Uh, he's the organist.
Ogden Cash.
- There you are.
- 'Course we're not
outta the woods yet.
- We're not?
- No ma'am.
Mr. Colby hasn't
missed Irene yet.
And when he does, he'll
know what's happened
and he'll come a
gunning for your husband.
- What can we do?
What, what, what?
- That's one of the finest
impressions I've ever seen
of Joan Crawford.
- Thank you.
- Now the only way to keep
Colby from missing Irene
is to replace her
with another cow.
You wouldn't happen to
have a cow would you?
- Well just Eleanor.
But I can't give her up.
I couldn't do that to her.
- Well either you
do it to Eleanor
or Mr. Colby'll do
it to your husband.
- Oh I'm sorry Eleanor.
- Now if you will just make
me out another check for $15.
- What is that for?
- Transporting
Eleanor over to Colby's.
Now normally
there'd be no charge,
but unfortunately I'm
driving a unionized truck.
- Oh, well.
- But I don't need a cow.
- All I'm asking for is $100.
- And I wouldn't
give you $35 for her.
- Sold, $35.
- What's the matter with her?
Dried up?
- Colby, I resent you casting
nasturtiums on my honesty.
- Why are you so
anxious to sell her?
- Well I'm having a
gigantic cow clearance sale.
I'm getting rid of all my cows
to make room for a flock of
sheep I'm considering buying.
$35 eh?
You got a deal.
- Oh, Mr. Haney.
- Is the moo moo
murderer at home?
- No.
He went to Drucker's.
- Probably to get a tranquilizer
for his jagged nerves.
- No, he went
to get a fertilizer.
- Well that'll take the edge
off of a jagged nerve too.
- Anyway, I brought it over.
- Brought what over?
- Follow me.
I'm sorry it took so long.
- What took so long?
- Having Irene stuffed and
mounted as per your order.
Ain't that a work
of taxidermical art?
- Yes, but I didn't order it.
That wasn't your
voice on the phone
saying to have Irene stuffed
and mounted for $100?
- No, it wasn't.
- Perhaps it was your $50 voice?
- Well why would I want
to have Irene stuffed?
- As an object lesson to your
husband to curb his temper.
By having this
stuffed version of Irene
in such a prominent
place as your bedroom,
it will serve as a constant
reminder of his dastardly deed.
And I guarantee that he'll
never kill another cow again.
- Well, if it help to
curve his temper,
it's worth $25.
- Uh, I believe the last
figure mentioned was $50.
- $35 is the highest.
- Make it $45 and
you've bought yourself
a stuffed constant reminder.
- Alright, you put it in the
barn and I'll get your money.
- Mr. Douglas, this
ain't gonna work.
- Why not?
Something's broken,
you tie splints to it.
- Boy you've really blown
your mind since you...
- Since I what?
- Since you.
Holy smoke.
Look!
It's the ghost of Irene
come to haunt you.
- What?
- Haunt him.
He did it to ya.
But I tell ya it was
the ghost of Irene.
- How can it be the ghost of
Irene when the ghost of Irene
is in the barn,
in there stuffed?
- Where did you get this?
- I bought it from Mr. Haney.
He had it stuffed for me.
- This ain't Irene.
This is a phony.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, look what
it says right here.
Property of the Salt Lake
City salt lick company
advertising department.
- I should've known better.
Mr. Douglas never
could shoost anybody.
- He might start now when
he finds out about all the money
you gave Mr. Haney.
- Well maybe we
better not say anything.
- It's okay with me,
but how are you gonna
explain where Eleanor is?
- Oh, I forgot all about her.
You go over to Mr. Colby
and get her back.
- Okay.
What about stuffy?
- Well I have to find out
a way to get rid of her
before Mr. Douglas gets back.
- Looking for something?
- Yes, we had a stuffed
cow on top of our truck
and it fell off along
here somewhere.
- Have you seen it?
- Well that all depends.
Is there any reward?
- $10.
- Don't go away.
May I be of assistance?
- Mr. Haney.
You should be
ashamed of yourself.
- Why?
What did I do?
- Starting from the beginning.
You made me think that my
husband was a cow shooster.
Then you charge me to
get rid of the evidence.
And then you charge me
again for this stuffed phony and...
- You haven't told your
husband, have you?
- No, and I better not.
Otherwise we'll have a
stuffed Mr. Haney around here.
- You'd better get rid of this
before Mr. Douglas sees it.
- Well that was I
was trying to do.
- Let me take it
off of your hands.
- How much will that cost?
- Nothing!
Just a $10 trucking fee.
- I like nothing better.
- But...
- Nothing!
- Very well, I'll do it
as an act of mercy.
- Yep, this is it.
- Good.
May I have the $20 reward?
- I said $10.
- Oh that's correct.
But I had to pay $10
outta my own pocket
to the folks that found it.
Because they had
become so attached to it.
- Alright, here's your $20.
- Good.
This should do it.
- Eb, Eb!
- What's the matter?
- Eleanor's missing.
- Well then why are
you calling for Eb?
- Do you know where she is?
- What does she look like?
- Are you stalling me?
Where is Eleanor?
- The question is
where is Eleanor?
- Here she is.
- There she is.
Does that answer your question?
- Eb, where've you been?
- Oh we were jogging.
- Jogging?
Let me have her.
- You owe Mr. Colby $35.
- $35!
- What was that about $35?
- Who said that?
- You did.
- I didn't hear it.
- Eb.
Take Eleanor to the
barn and milk her.
- Yes sir.
- Lisa, what's going on?
You two've been
acting funny all day.
First you accuse me of...
- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas.
- It's five to six,
I suppose you've come
to ask for an extension.
- No sir.
I have come to
give you your $200.
If you'll count it please.
- Where did you
get all this money?
- Oh I picked it up.
A little here
and a little there.
- Mostly here.
- Satisfied?
- No.
There's only $195 here.
You're $5 short.
- I am?
Somewhere along the line I
didn't charge somebody enough.
Surely you'll trust
me for the other $5.
- Mr. Haney, I've put up with
enough of your shenanigans.
This time I'm gonna
teach you a lesson.
I want the $5 now.
- Well I haven't got it.
But I could tell you a $5
story about a stuffed cow.
- Nevermind Mr. Haney.
Here's your $5.
- Thank you.
- Why did you give him the $5?
- Well I heard the
stuffed cow story
and I don't think
you would've liked it.
("Green Acres Theme Song")
- [Woman] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.