Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 5, Episode 16 - Trapped - full transcript

Old timbers collapse, trapping Oliver and Lisa in an old root cellar they've discovered under their house. Calling for help through the kitchen sink drain, the two await rescue by Eb, who hits his head and forgets about them. The addled-brained Kimball tries to pull them up through the pipe using a plumber's helper. Their hopes ride on Arnold Ziffel and a game of charades he plays with Sam Drucker.

(upbeat theme music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife



♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(upbeat music)

- Honey bun.

- Hmm?

- I've just been through the
medicine chest in the bathroom

and we need a lot of things.

- Oh, fine.

Make a list, I'll get 'em
when I go into Drucker's.

- Ah, you're a good man,
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

(playful music)

Oliver Wendell?

- Yes?

- Do you need any shampoo?



- I don't know.

- Well, the last time
you took a shower

and you squeezed the
tube, did anything come out?

- Yes.

- Well, then you don't
need any shampoo.

Thank you for your time, O-W-D.

(playful music)

Wendell, baby?

- Oh, for.

What now?

- Would you come
here a moment, please?

- What is it?

- Where does this door lead to?

- I haven't the faintest idea.

- You mean you've been
passing by this door for three years

and you don't know
where it's going?

- Well, you've been
passing by it for three years.

You don't know where it's going.

- Well, I'm not supposed to.

I'm a woman.

- What does that mean?

- That means you yell at
me when I borrow your razor.

- Uh, let's stick to the door.

- All right, where does it go?

- I don't know.

When we bought the house
from Mr. Haney, he didn't tell me.

- And you never asked him?

- Oh, I tried it a couple of
times, but it was stuck tight.

I think it's probably
a small closet.

- And that's the end of it?

- Well, no.

I don't guess it is now
that you've stuck your

cute little Hungarian
nose into it.

- Never mind the nose.

Just try to open the door.

- Hey, it's starting to give.

(clattering)

(audience laughs)

- Oliver, where are you?

- (groans) Down here.

- Oh, I'll be right down.

- Be careful.

There's a flight of stairs.

- Why would they have a
flight of stairs in a small closet?

- It's not a closet.

It's a cellar.

Get a... (groans)

Get a flashlight.

(subdued music)

- I'm coming.

What is this place?

- Oh, it looks like it was
used for a root cellar.

- Well, what is that?

- Farmers used them to
store turnips, and potatoes,

and things like that
through the winter.

- Oh, we have something
like this in Hungary

except it was
called goulash cellar.

- Goulash cellar?

- Yes.

My mother used to
fill it up with goulash.

Then, when she
didn't feel like cooking,

she would go down in
the cellar and get a potful.

- It sounds very appetizing.

Well, not appetizing.

- Well, it's like a TV
dinner, but in the cellar.

- Do you feel a cold draft?

- Yes.

- I think there's some
kind of an opening

behind this crate here.

Some sort of a...
Some sort of a cave.

- [Lisa] Oh.

- Here, give me a light.

(mysterious music)

- Oh, look at this little thing.

It looks like a lantern.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's get a little
light in here.

- Oh, look at that.

- Hey.

- It's a still.

- How do you know?

- Well, my father used
to have one in the palace.

He used to make
bootleg Slivovitz

and smuggled it into Poland.

- Oh, that's very...

- And during the war, the
underground used his booze

to blow up bridges.

It was called
Budapest Bang Bang.

- This must've belonged
to Mr. Haney's father.

He probably made bootleg
liqueur during Prohibition.

- Ooh, it's cold in here.

(sneezes)

(cracking)

What was that?

- I don't know.

- Do you think
it's safe in here?

- Well, this cave must've
been here for over 40 years.

These timbers seem pretty solid.

(scraping and cracking)

- [Lisa] Look out, Oliver

(sneezes)

(clattering)

- [Oliver] Gesundheit.

(coughing)

- Oliver, we're trapped.

- Don't panic.

- How are we going to get out?

- We'll dig our way out.

- That's what you always say.

- When did I ever say that?

- Well, what are
you going to dig with?

- Oh, there must be
something here I can use.

(wood breaks)

- Didn't you ever take
sand pile in kindergarten?

- The wood is rotten.

(door slams)

Somebody just came in.

- Who is it?

- Well, how would...
- Mr. Douglas?

Mr. Douglas?

- I think it's Eb.

- I guess the old
grouch ain't home.

(rock and roll music on radio)

- Eb!

The nut.

He turned on the radio.

- Why, that's good.

When he hears on the news
that we are trapped down here,

he'll come down and get us.

- Lisa, please.

Eb!

- Eb!

- Don't yell in my ear.

- Fine.

Would you like me to blow in it?

- No.

Eb!

- Oh, boy.

Fried chicken.

- Eb!

(metal clanging)

- Man, that drummer
plays a cool kettle drum.

- He's never gonna
hear us with that radio on.

- Oh, look, Oliver.

There is a pipe here.

- Yeah, that cellar was
to the left of the bathroom.

We must be under the kitchen.

I'll bet that's where
this pipe goes.

(metal banging)

- He should've
stuck to the drums.

He's nowhere with the vibe.

- If I could loosen this, I
might be able to call up to him.

- Do you have his number?

- Just my luck to be
trapped down here with a...

- With a what?

- Hey, I think it's loosening.

Ah.

- Oh, my hero.

- I better tidy up before
the old crab gets back.

- Now, let's see if
he can hear me, huh?

- May I ask exactly
what you accomplished?

- Look, Lisa.

(metal banging)

- Come in.

Huh.

- Eb!

(audience laughs)

- Oliver, couldn't you
get us out of here first?

And then you can drink
all the water you want.

- Oh.

(metal banging)

- Who's pounding on the pipe?

- [Oliver] It's me.

- Who's me?

- Mr. Douglas.

- I'm sorry, he's not here.

- I know he's not.

- Is there any message?

- Will you listen?

This is Mr. Douglas.

- What are you
doing in the sink?

- We're not in the
sink, we're under it.

- No, you're not!

- Eb, listen to me.

Mrs. Douglas and I are
in some sort of a cave

under the kitchen.

- There's no cave
under the kitchen.

- Yes, there is.

I found an old still down here.

- Leave it to you.

You sure have a nose for booze.

- Eb, will you please help us?

We're trapped.

Now, come on down here.

See if you can dig us out.

- How do I get down there?

- Walk out of the kitchen
into the living room

and turn left and go down
the hall to the bathroom.

- I don't have to
go to the bathroom.

- Oh, that miserable.

Just before the bathroom
there's another door.

It leads to a cellar.

You understand?

- Yes, sir.

I'll be right there.

Mr. Douglas?

- What?

- Which way do I turn
when I get to the bathroom?

- You don't have to
go to the bathroom.

- That's what I told you.

- Eb, just before you
get to the bathroom,

there's another door.

- Oh, I think I know now.

I'll be right with you.

Bathroom.

(clattering)

- What was that?

- Sounds like dum dum
fell down the cellar stairs.

- It seems to me there
was another dum dum

who did the same thing.

- Mr. Douglas, where are you?

- We're behind
that pile of rubble.

Can you dig us out?

- Not by myself.

- Well, drive into Drucker's
and get some help.

- Yes, sir.

Mr. Douglas?

- What?

- Can I have the
keys to the car?

- Can I have the
keys to the car?

- Well, I haven't got them,
I thought you had them.

- When I get... Take
your motor scooter!

- Yes, sir.

Don't go away.

- Don't go away.

To think that our
lives may be hanging

by the thin thread
of his intelligence.

- Well, that's a
confronting thought.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- [Eb] Drucker!

- Eb, watch it.

(wood thumps)

Holy smoke.

You all right?

- Yeah, I guess so.

I just hit my head.

- What was your big hurry?

- It was something
very important.

Mr. Douglas told me to, uh.

- Yeah?

- I forget.

- How about lying
down in the back room?

- No, I don't think that's what
Mr. Douglas told me to do.

- How about a doctor?

- What's the
matter, are you sick?

- Eb, I think you better come
lie down in the back room

and I'll get a cold
towel for your head.

- Yes, sir.

(wood breaks)

- Oh.

It's no use.

- I wonder what is
taking Eb so long.

- That's right, he's been
gone over two hours.

Eb!

Eb!

- Oliver, I'm cold.

Couldn't you light a fire?

- And fill this place
up with smoke?

- But, couldn't you
light one without smoke?

- I'm afraid not.

- How about plugging
in the electrical heater?

- What electrical heater?

- The one we have
upstairs in the bedroom.

- And just how could I do that?

- You could use a
long extension cord.

- The air must be
getting bad down here.

Why don't we do something
to get our blood circulating?

- All right.

Are you circulating?

- Yes, but I meant exercise.

- What kind of exercise
did you have in mind?

- You know.

One, two, three, four.

- Kissing is more fun.

- Come on.

- [Both] One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

- Hello?

Anybody home?

- Shh.

I think I heard somebody.

(playful music)

(audience laughs)

(Oliver grunts)
(audience laughs)

Hello?

- Well, I was just, uh.

Well, I was.

- [Oliver] Hello?

- To whom am I talking?

- Hello?

- Hello?

- Is that you, Eb?

- No, it's Hank Kimball.

- Who is it?

- It's Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, I'm glad
somebody showed up.

- Yeah, but why did
it have to be him?

Mr. Kimball?

- Where are ya?

- Go over to the sink.

Talk into the drain.

- How are you, drain?

- Oh, isn't that cute?

- Mr. Kimball, can you hear me?

- Oh, yeah.

You're coming
through loud and clear.

Boy, first time I've
ever talked to anybody

through a sink-o-phone.

Well, over and out.

- Who have I offended?

Mr. Kimball, Mrs. Douglas
and I are trapped down here.

We need somebody
to help us get out.

- Well, I'll go get a plumber.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Kimball?

(door slams)

Mr. Kim... Oh.

- Oh, there, there.

Tears won't help.

- Oh, Lisa.

- Oh, buck up your chin.

- Buck up?

- Oh, come on.

- [Both] One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

- Feeling any better, Eb?

- A little.

If I can just remember what
Mr. Douglas sent me in for.

- Well, just relax.

It'll come back to you.

- Let me see.

I remember listening to
somebody play the kettle drum.

- Just take it easy, Eb.

I'll get you another cold towel.

- How long has Eb been gone?

- Over four hours.

I can't understand where...
- I'm hungry.

Why don't you go to the
pipe and call room service?

- You're full of
vittikisms today.

- The word is witticism.

- What difference does it make?

We're trapped.

- Yeah, but.

- You know, we might be
right under the refrigerator.

There's the cold chicken,
and the ham, and the eggs.

- Look, Lisa. (wood tapping)

I think somebody came in.

(audience laughs)

(Arnold grunting)

Sounds like Arnold.

- Oh, we're saved.

- Only if we can get our hands
on him and make a barbecue.

- What a terrible thing to say.

Tell him we're down here.

- What good will...

- Never mind, I tell him.

He doesn't like you anyway.

Hello, Arnold?

Arnold?

(grunting)

Get close to the sink.

Can you hear me?

(grunting)

He heard me.

- Well, bully for you.

- Arnold, Mr. Douglas and I
are trapped here in the cellar.

Now, I know that you
don't like Mr. Douglas,

but forget about him
and concecrate on me.

- Yeah, concecrate on her.

- Do you want him to
help us or don't you?

- Be my guest.

Only, don't tie up
the pipe too long.

Somebody else
may want to talk to us.

- Arnold.

Arnold, are you still there?

(grunting)

Here is what I want you to do.

Go get help.

Tell them we're
trapped here in the cellar

and to bring shovels.

(grunting)

Shovels.

S-C-H.

How do you spell shovels?

- Oh, boy.

- Well, somebody will
know how to spell it.

Remember, we counting on you.

(grunting)

Oh, Oliver, we're saved.

- Oh, sure.

- Don't you have
any faith in Arnold?

- I'd feel more secure
if he was Lassie.

- Well, between Arnold,
and Eb, and Mr. Kimball,

somebody ought to save us.

- Oh, yeah.

We got a great
group going for us.

- I'll be with you
in a minute, Haney.

I've gotta go put another
cold towel on Eb's head.

- Take your time, Sam.

An emergency is more
important than a can of beans.

(Arnold squealing)

Oh, it's you.

(grunting)

- What's the matter with Arnold?

- Oh, now don't believe
a word he says, Sam.

I was just testing these
gumdrops to see if they is fresh.

(grunting)

- He's upset.

Seems like he's trying
to tell us something.

What is it, Arnold?

(grunting)

I'm sorry, I don't
understand you.

You want to buy a dog leash?

- I guess he must've
bought himself a dog.

- You don't want a dog leash?

A dog collar?

Dog biscuits?

Dog what?

Dog less?

Dog less.

Douglas.

(squealing)

What about him?

- Sam, are you gonna
play charades with the pig

or are you gonna wait on me?

- Just a second, Haney.

Mr. Douglas mousetrap?

Mr. Douglas mouse?

Mr. Douglas trap?

Trapped.

(squealing)

Where?

- Sam, are you gonna...

- Just a second, Haney.

Salt cellar?

Mr. Douglas trapped
in a salt cellar?

- Oh, that was an old
movie on TV last night.

It was Melvin Douglas
and he was trapped

in this salt mine in Siberia.

- Is that what you're talking
about, Melvin Douglas?

Look, Arnold, I'm busy.

Olives?

Oliver, Oliver.

(Arnold squeals)

Oliver Douglas
trapped in a salt cellar.

(Arnold squealing)

- Hey, he's right.

I just remembered.

That's what I
came over to tell ya.

Mr. Douglas and Mrs. Douglas
are trapped in a salt cellar.

Well, it's not a salt cellar,

it's kind of a cave
under the house

where Mr. Haney's
father had a still.

- Well, holy smoke.

- Now, just a second, Sam.

I resent the implication
on my pappy's good name.

He might have done a
lot of things in his lifetime,

but most of them was legal.

- Look, we better...

- Mr. Douglas
said it was a still.

- Well, it might have
looked like a still,

but in reality it was
a nit picking machine.

- Fellas.

- A nit picking machine?

- Yeah, he invented it the
year we had the big nit epidemic.

- And he never made
any liqueur with it?

- Oh, he might have
made a few bottles

of nit wine now and then.

- Fellas, we're wasting time.

The Douglases have
been trapped nearly all day.

Grab a shovel.

We gotta dig 'em out of there.

- Oh, Oliver, I'm frightened.

- Oh now, there's
nothing to worry about.

Somebody will find us.

- But, suppose they don't.

Suppose there is
no more air left here

and they don't get here
in time to resusiticate us?

- Don't talk that way?

- That's the only way
I know how to talk.

- No, I mean, don't give up.

- Oliver, shouldn't
we sing something?

- Like what?

- Something like.

♪ Swing low sweet Harriet

- I don't think
that's appropriate.

- What did they
sing in the movies

when the Titanic went down?

- Lisa, this isn't the end.

- But, in case it is, I want
you to know that being

married to you
was the nicest thing

that ever happened to me.

Why, it was even nicer than
when I lived with the baron.

- What?

- Well, you know
my uncle, the baron.

My aunt and my
uncle took care of me

while my father was
painting the palace.

- Oh, that baron.

- Oliver, you know they
say that at a time like this

your whole life
passes in front of you.

- Yeah, I've heard that, too.

- Are you passing?

- No.

- Neither am I.

Do you suppose there is
something wrong with us?

- I think it would be
better if we didn't talk

and conserved...
(car approaching)

I think I heard a car.

(upbeat music)

- This way.

This way.

Follow me.

(clattering)

- What was that?

- Sounds like dum
dum finally got back.

(whistling)

- Oliver, Oliver?

- What?

What are you waking me up for?

Look, I'm exhausted.

- But, there's
somebody in the kitchen.

- Huh?

(whistling)

What the?

Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, Mr. Douglas.

I'm sorry it took me
so long to get back,

but I couldn't find a plumber,

so I brought this
plumber's helper.

I'll have you out in no time.

- Fine, fine.

Have fun.

Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat theme music)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.