Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 5, Episode 1 - Lisa's Mudder Comes for a Visit - full transcript

Lisa's mother surprises her and "Whatshisname" (Oliver) with a three week visit. She just became a countess--the title came with an estate she bought--but Eb tells everyone she's the Queen of Sicily. In her royal honor, the locals hold a Ceremonial Day and present her with a solid gold wooden key to the city. The highlight is a 21-gun-salute using just one cannon and three balls.

(jaunty music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife



♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Is this the place, Kyoto?

- Must be.

I followed directions
the man gave us.

- Oh, my daughter would
not live in a house like this!

Must be the
gatekeeper's quarters.

- A pretty shrubby gatekeeper.

I go ask, see
where big house is.

(humming)

(knock at door)

- Come in!

Hello there.

- Hello, lady.



Are you the maid?

- No, no, only on Tuesdays.

The rest of the
week I'm the wife.

- Could you please tell me

where I can find big house?

- Big house of what?

- The main house.

The "Dougress" place.

- Oh, this is the
"Dougress" place.

I am Mrs. "Dougress".

- Oh.

Your mother's outside.

- Outside of what?

- Out there.

- Oh, Mother is here!

Oh!

Mother!

- Lisa, darling!

(speaking in foreign language)

- No, no, no!

I said, "You haven't
changed a bit."

We have a lot of trouble
here with the subtitles.

- Subtitles?

- Yes, that means when you
say something in one language

and it says underneath
you in English.

- I beg your pardon, I
bring the bags in the house?

- He sure said a mouthful!

- You met Kyoto?

- Yes.

Oh, Mother, let's
go into the house.

We have so much to talk about.

- Now, just a moment.

Come along, Sean!

(Sean barks)

- They're not interested
in what the dog says.

- Who are you talking to?

- Oh, come on, darling!

Come, let's go inside.

- Well, this is a
charming place.

- What is?

- Oh, your home.

It's very rustic.

It reminds me of that ski
lodge in the Bavarian Alps.

Doesn't it, Kyoto?

- Yes, ma'am.

Right after avalanche hit it.

- Oh, Mother!

Mother, you should have let
me know that you were coming!

- Well, I wanted to
surprise you and...

What are you doing?

- Dusting.

- Don't you have
a maid to do that?

- Oh, no, no.

On the farm a wife
has to do everything.

Cleaning, cooking, washing.

- How un-Hungarian!

- Mm-hmm.

- Excuse please.

Where I put the bags?

- Oh, which is your
guest bedroom, darling?

- Oh, we don't have
a guest bedroom.

But you can put the
suitcases in there.

You can sleep with me

and Oliver can sleep
somewhere else tonight.

- Who is Oliver?

- My husband.

- Well, I thought his
name was Rupert.

- No, no, no, Rupert
is the mad scientist

at the Budapest University
that wanted to marry me

and put me in a glass jar

and worship me
for the rest of his life.

- And this fellow you did
marry, whatshisname...

Uh, what does he do?

- Oh, he's a farmer.

- What happened to the
lawyer you were married to

in New York?

- This is the same one.

- Well, why did
you come out here?

Couldn't he cut the mustard
in the lawyer business?

- No, he didn't like the city.

- Why not?

- Well, you haven't
heard his speech yet.

When he wants to get
away from the rats race,

and move to the farm,
and plant his little seeds

in the rich, brown
earth and water them

and take care of them and
watch them "shoosting" up

towards the sun and the sky.

- Maybe you should have married

that fellow with the glass jar.

- Oh, but I'm very
happy with Oliver.

- Who is Oliver?

- My husband!

- Oh, the "shooster"
with the seeds.

- Oh, he's a wonderful man
and I love him very much.

- When am I going to see him?

- Oh, he'll be here
for lunch soon.

- Golly, gilly frogs!

It has a TV set in the
back seat and a bar

and a telephone!

- I wonder who it belongs to.

- Somebody that likes
to watch TV, drink booze,

and talk on the telephone!

- I'm sorry I asked.

(jaunty music)

- Just a second, I'll find out.

Uh, Mr. Douglas, are you
gonna need any more subtitles?

- What?

- I guess not.

You're welcome.

- Who are you...

Oho, Lisa!

(Sean barking)

- Oliver!

My mother is here!

- She hasn't changed a bit.

(Sean barks)

- Oliver!

Come on in, she
wants to see you.

It's all right, he's
part of the family.

Mother!

Mother? Mother!

- What, darling, what is it?

- Oh, Mother, this
is my husband.

- Of course!

I didn't realize
he was so young!

- Oh, no, no, no, no, Mother.

This is my husband.

- I didn't realize
he was so old.

- Uh, no, uh...
- So you are whatshisname.

- Whatshisname?

- Aren't you gonna
introduce me to grandma?

- Lisa, you never
told me that you

and who is this have a son!

- He's not our son,
he's our hired hand.

- Golly, for one mad
moment there I belonged.

- Go get your lunch.

- Yes, sir.

See you later, grandma!

- Oh, stop calling her grandma!

- Well, whatchamacallit
has a temper!

- Uh, let's get
one thing straight.

My name...
- Oh, now I remember you!

You are whatshisname.

- Mother has been
traveling all over the world.

She came all the way
from Italy to see us.

- Oh, that's very nice.

If you're ever in the
neighborhood again,

be sure to drop in.

- Oh, no, no, this
is not a drop in.

Mother's going to
stay with us for a while.

- Oh, isn't that uh...
- For three weeks.

- Ah!

Well, that's even more...

- You see, Mother, I
told you he wouldn't mind.

- Wait till the blood
rushes back to my head.

Uh, look, Mother, we'd
like to have you stay, but...

- Mr. Douglas!

Guess what I found for lunch?

Caviar, champagne,
pate de foie gras.

- Eh, foie...

- Mother brought
us a care package.

- Thanks, grandma!

- Will you stop
calling her grandma!

- Excuse me.

- Who are you?

- Me Kyoto.

You must be Mr. Whatshisname.

- Douglas.

- No, no, no, "Dougress."

- What?

- That's the only way
he can pronounce it.

- Well that's...

- I start to unpack
bags, Countess.

- Who's he talking to?

- Mother. She just
became a Countess.

- Oh?

How did that happen?

- Well, she bought
a villa in Italy

with 14 bedrooms and six
baths and a Countess-ship.

- No kitchen?

- No, no, if you want a kitchen,

you can't have a Countess-ship

and since mother
never goes in the kitchen,

she took the Countess-ship.

- That was a wise choice.

- They had a
palace for sale, too.

If I had bought that,

I would have become
the Queen of Sicily,

but it didn't have
any bathrooms.

- I think you made
the right move.

I always say it's better
to be a clean countess

than a dirty queen.

- A dirty queen?

- Who's a dirty queen?

- Your grandmother.

- Holy crown
jewels, I'm royalty!

- You're not royalty!

- What country are
you the Queen of?

- No, you see, mother was
going to buy this palace in Sicily

and then...
- The Queen of Sicily?

- Will you go eat your lunch?

- Uh, yes, sir.

Bye, your royal grandmaship.

- Oh, holy...

- Excuse, please.

Me tried to hang up the clothes,

not enough room!

- Well, how shocking.

Lisa, how could you?

- What's the matter?

- One of the closets
in your bedroom

is full of men's clothes, huh?

- Oh, well, that's Oliver's.

- Who is Oliver?

- Whatchamacallit!

- Oh, boy, now I
got two of them.

Look, if you ladies
will excuse me,

I think I'll get some lunch.

- Mother, what do
you think of him?

- Give him a glass jar and
you have another Rupert.

(jaunty music)

- I'm sorry, I'm not
lending you the key.

The cannon stays
chained in the park.

- Then how we gonna
salute the queen?

- Who said she was a queen?

- Eb.

- Eb!

- Well, he oughter
know what she is,

she's his grandmother.

- Now can we have
the key for the cannon?

- No!

- Sam, don't you realize
what it would mean

to Hooterville when
the world finds out

we've got a queen visiting us?

Why the souvenir business
alone would bring in a fortune.

- Look, Haney...

- We could sell imitation
queen crowns, royal crests,

hand tinted pictures
of the queen,

and even autographed
throne seats.

- Now can we have the key?

- No!

- Sam, it's thinking like
yours that has kept Hooterville

the small town that it is.

- And it's thinking like
yours that is gonna get

Hooterville wiped off the map!

- Sam, we were only
gonna fire the cannon at her

for an hour or so.

Well, not at her.

Say, how many cannonballs
do you fire for a queen?

- Twelve.

- No, I think that's
for a duchess.

Or is that a countess?

No, a countess is
bigger than a duchess.

- Now, how do you figure that?

- Well, a duchess
is a head of a dutch

and a countess is
a head of a county

and that's bigger than a dutch.

- Oh, brother.

- Instead of arguing about it,

why don't we call up the
State Department and find out?

Hand me the
phone, will you, Sam?

- No, no, just a minute.

Who's gonna pay for the call?

- Why don't we charge
it to Mr. Douglas?

It's his mother-in-law.

- Now, look, I agree
the town ought to have

some kind of welcome
for Mrs. Douglas's mother,

but it should be
something simple.

Give her the key to the
city, make a few speeches.

- Yeah!

Why don't we play
her national anthem?

What is the national
anthem of Sicily?

- Well, how would I know?

- Oh, well here's um...
Whatshisname, heh.

He oughta know.

- Know what?

- The national
"anthiem" of Sicily.

- The national "anthiem?"

- If you'll hum a few
bars, I'll write it down.

- I'm sorry, I don't
believe I've ever heard it.

- Your mother-in-law
is the Queen of Sicily

and you don't know
her national "anthiem?"

- Queen!

- Yeah, Eb told us all about it.

Well, not all
about it, he didn't...

Can I have the key
to the cannon, Sam?

- No!

Can you imagine?

They wanna give your
mother-in-law a 21 gun salute.

- That comes right after
the highness-ship party

that I'm catering for her.

- What's a highness-ship party?

- Well, that's where
all the waiters dress up

as kings and queens and
it ends up in a polo match.

'Course, if you prefer, I
can cater her a royal ball.

Now, that's the same
as a highness-ship party,

but instead of a polo match,
it ends up in a fox hunt.

- Now can I have the
key to the cannon, Sam?

- You can have the key to the...

- Look, fellas, it's
very nice of you to

want to do something
for my mother-in-law,

but just forget it.

- Are you trying
to get us in trouble

with the State Department?

- I don't think
they'll mind a bit.

- No?

How would it be if the
President of the United States

went to Sicily and the queen

didn't throw him a
presidentship party?

- Look, she's not a queen!

She... Forget it!

- Well, are you satisfied?

- We sure are. (laughs)

Now can we have
the key for the cannon?

- Oh, bring it back!

(dings)

- That silly Eb, telling
everybody that she's a queen.

- Well, she would have
been if she bought the palace.

- She's nothing but a
no kitchen Countess.

- Even so, I don't see
why you wouldn't let them

give Mother the 21 gun salute!

- She's not entitled to it.

- Well, she should have
some kind of a party.

- How about if we
give her a farewell party

when she leaves tomorrow?

- What?

She just got here today!

- Oh, yeah, well, I don't
think it would be right

to give her a
farewell party today.

- No!
- No.

(grunting)

Would you mind telling
me what's going on here?

- Oh, Mr. "Dougress!"

- Uh-huh.

- Kyoto's teaching
me karate lessons.

- Look, I'm not
paying you to take...

- Uh, watch.

I'll split that with
my bare hand.

(shout)

Hear that snap?

- It didn't break.

- Oh!

It must have been my hand.

- Next time use your head.

- Miss, what do you want
me to cook for dinner?

- Whatever Mr. Douglas wants.

- It's "Dougress."

"Dougress," I mean...

Uh, look, a steak and
maybe some french fries, huh?

- The Countess
doesn't like steak.

She like raw fish.

If you like, I cook you some.

- You don't cook raw fish.

- Then how do you get it raw?

- Well, uh...

- Oliver, Oliver!

- Look, uh, later.

I wanna take a nap.

What are all my clothes
doing on the bed?

- I gave your closet to Mother.

- Yes, would you mind
getting them off of there?

I want to take my nap.

- I'm going to take the nap.

- Not in my room.

- Your room?

- Yes, I gave Mother this room.

- And where are
we going to sleep?

- Well, I want to
sleep here with Mother

and you can sleep in the
other room on the sofa.

- Mm-hmm.

The same arrangement
we had on our honeymoon.

- Oh!

Are you the fellow that went
on the honeymoon with us?

- Lisa, could I talk
to you privately?

Lisa, if your mother wants to...

(rapid knocking at door)

Now what?

Oh, come in!

Hi.

- Hello, Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, hello there!

Hello there, Mr. Ziffel!

Ooh, hello, Arnold!

(Arnold oinks)

- We have come over
to pay our respects

to the Queen of Italy.

- Sicily.

And she's not the queen.

- Well, then why are they
giving her the highness-ship party

with the fox hunt?

- No, no, no, the fox hunt
goes with the royal ball

and the polo goes with the...

- No, there's not
going to be any party.

- Well, anyhow, Arnold
never met any royalties,

so he brought a
bouquet of flowers.

(Arnold chomping)

Ah, Arnold!

What did you wanna
eat the flowers for?

- Lisa, darling, I...

- Oh, oh, Mother, I want
you to meet Mr. Ziffel.

- Oh, how do you do?

- Your highness-ship.

(cracking)

- Oh!

- Oh, here, here,
let me help you.

(groaning)

- And this is
Mr. Ziffel's son, Arnold.

(Arnold oinking)

- He brought you over
a stomach full of flowers.

(Arnold oinking)

- Arnold, uh, would like to

take you all out
to dinner tonight.

- Oh, that would be lovely!

- I'm not going out
to dinner with a pig.

- Well, if he don't
object, why should you?

- Maybe you ladies
would like to join us

and leave whatshisname home.

- That's a good idea.

Yeah, why don't you
all go out to dinner

and leave me here to enjoy
the peace and the quiet.

(Arnold oinking)

- Oliver, it's very sweet
of you to sleep out here.

- Stupid is a better word.

- Well, look at it
on the bright side,

Mother will only be here
for three more weeks.

- I am not going to...
- Shh, shh!

You'll wake up Mother.

- Oh, wouldn't that be terrible?

- Well, goodnight, darling.

Sleep well.

- [Oliver] Lisa!

- What's the matter?

- Get him off!

- Oh, well, come on, Sean!

Come on, darling, now.

(Oliver shouts)

That's a good boy.

You're going to
sleep here tonight.

Goodnight, sweetheart!

- Goodnight.

(rooster crows)

How did you get...

(knocking at door)

Coming!

Oh, Mr. Haney, well,
what are you uh...

- Good morning, Mr. Douglas!

Happy ceremonial day!

- Ceremonial day?

- Is her queenship awake yet?

- Oh, look, Mr. Haney...

- Who is it, Oliver?

- It's Mr. Haney and he...

- Good morning, Mr. Haney.

- Is your royal mother
about and stirring?

- Mm-hmm, yes.

- Good, then we can
start the ceremony.

- What ceremony?

- Well, the welcoming
committee is gonna give her

the keys to the city,

after which the whole town
will take part in a royal frolic.

- Oh!

Mother, they're
here to frolic you!

- Lisa, don't!

- This is a great
day for Hooterville,

having the Queen
of Sicily in our midst.

- She's not a queen!

(boom)

What's that?

What do you think
you're doing here?

What's...

- We're giving the
queen a royal salute.

- Oh, now will you, hey!

What?

- Fire!

(boom)

okay, reload.

- Hey, don't put another...

- Mr. Douglas, now, we
have got to give her majesty

her 21 gun salute.

- Since we don't have 21 guns,

it took a little figurin' out.

- Yeah, all we could
find was one cannon

and three cannonballs.

- So what we gonna do is
three-ball her seven times.

- Three ball...
- Fire!

(boom)

okay, reload.

- We gotta go pick up
the cannonballs, first.

- No, no don't bother
to pick up the...

Hey!

- Mr. Haney, this is my mother.

- Your "Highnesty."

On behalf of the
citizens of Hooterville,

I bid you welcome

and present you with this
solid gold wooden key to the city.

- Hold it!

Haney, you said you'd
wait for us for the ceremony.

- Oh, I forgot.

I sold the television rights
to the Pixley TV station

for $12.

- For 12...

- Excuse me, would you
mind stepping aside, buddy?

We wanna get a
shot of the queen.

- Oh, Mother, you'll be on TV.

- And they canceled
The Smothers Brothers.

- Have you got some
kind of a royal crown

you could wear?

- Eh, no, I'm sorry.

- You don't have a royal crown?

I'll be glad to rent you this.

- Oh! (laughs)

Thank you so much.

- That'll be $700.

- 700...
- I found this out back.

Boy, what a shot.

Went right through
the side of your barn.

- What?

- Excuse me.

- Kimball, if you fire...

- Mac, would you mind
stepping aside, please?

You're casting a shadow.

- I don't give a...

- Next, I want you to get
a full shot of the hovel.

- What hovel?

- Our house.

- Now, here's what we
want you to do, Your Majesty.

We're gonna give you a
couple of bags of groceries

and we want you to
take them into the hovel

like you're giving them to
the poor people that live there.

- What poor people?

- Us. We own the hovel.

- Stop calling it a hovel!

- Next, I wanna get a shot
of you coming out of the hovel

and have this dirty
faced little kid come out

and thank you and
you give him a kiss.

You got a dirty faced
little kid around?

- No, we don't have a...
- How 'bout me?

- Yeah, fine.

Only you have to
play it on your knees.

- Golly!

I'm gonna be on
TV with the queen!

Uh, would you give
this to Mr. Kimball?

(thud)
- Ooh!

Oh, you dimwit!

Look, I want
everybody out of here!

- Oh, but Oliver!

- Out, out!
- Oliver!

Oliver!

(boom)

(crash)

(clatter)

(jaunty music)

(boom)

Oliver!

(boom)

- How long are they gonna
keep shooting that stupid...

- Well, that was number 19,
they only have two more to go.

- What did you bring
all that out here for?

- Well, if you're going
to sleep out here,

I'm going to sleep
out here with you.

- Oh, what about your mother?

- She doesn't want
to sleep out here.

- Well, that's something.

Here.

I'm about fed up with
that cannon shooting,

the TV cameraman, that
Haney fawning all over that

phony queen mother of yours!

- Oh, Oliver.

I didn't come out
here to fight with you.

- What did you
come out here for?

- Well, a wife's place
is next to her husband,

no matter how cold his feet are.

- My feet aren't cold.

(boom)

- Oh, if they don't stop!

- Well, there is
only one more to go.

Isn't this better than
sleeping in the hovel?

- Yeah, better.

- Then, what do you want to do,

discuss politics or play cards

or give me a kiss?

- Have you got the cards?

- I guess Mother was wrong
about all the nice things

she said about you.

- Oh?

What'd she say?

- She said, "I think
whatshisname is very sweet."

I think that deserves a kiss.

- It certainly does.

- Where are you going?

- To kiss your mother,
she's the one that said it.

- Oliver!

- Oh, I'm just gonna
close the door.

(boom)

- Oh!

Ah!

- Ooh!

- Well, that's the last one.

- (strained) I
certainly hope so.

(jaunty music)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.