Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 7 - A Husband for Eleanor - full transcript

(upbeat music)

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darlin, I love you
big give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife



♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(upbeat music)

- Here you are, Eleanor.

Here's your breakfast.

Go on, eat it.

Want some salt and pepper on it?

(mooing)

Ketchup?

(mooing)

How 'bout some
peaches and cream on it?

- Peaches and cream?

- Oh, good morning, chief.

- Morning, Eb.



Hi, Eleanor.

Whoa.

Hey, what's the matter with her?

- How would you
like it if a stranger

walked into your
bedroom in the morning

and slapped you on the rump?

- Hm, guess I'm sorry, Eleanor.

- Hey, what're you gonna do?

- I'm gonna milk her.

- Did you prewarm your hands?

- What?

- If your hands are too
cold, she gives blue milk.

(audience laughing)

- I'm not getting anything.

- Maybe it's her day off.

- Nothing.

- How do you expect
anything to come out of this end

when nothing's been
going into that end?

- What do you mean?

- She hasn't been eating.

- I wonder why not?

- Maybe she's got
the Australian Pip.

- What's that?

- That's something you
get when you're Australian

and it's a pip.

(audience laughing)

- Well, come to think of it,

she hasn't been giving
much milk at all lately.

- Maybe her crank
case is drying up.

- Well whatever it
is, I better call a vet,

have them take a look at her.

(upbeat music)

(gurgling)

- Sh sh sh.

(water splashing)

(audience laughing)

What the?

Lisa.

- Oh, hello dear.

Is it raining?

- No.

- Did you take a shower
with your clothes on?

- No, there was this
chicken going up and down.

What are you doing to that?

- Oh, I was
unstuffing the drain.

I dropped an orange down there.

- This one?

- I think so.

Do you want some orange juice?

- No thanks.

Lisa, do you know what you did?

You blew out the drain line.

- Well, I unstuffed it.

- Lisa, next time call me.

- Okay.

What's your name again?

- Darryl Zanuck.

- Oh.

Been to any good
movies lately, Darryl?

- Oh Lisa, I've gotta
change my clothes.

- Oliver, there is no
milk in the bucket!

- I know.

- Did you and Eleanor
have a fight again?

- Oh, no no no.

There's something
wrong with her.

- Oh, the poor child.

What is it?

- I don't know.

But she's hardly given
any milk for a whole week.

I'm gonna call a veterinarian.

- What's a veterinarian?

- An animal doctor.

- For our Eleanor?

- Yes!

- Nothing doing.

I am going to call New
York and get a specialist.

Our daughter deserves the best.

- Lisa, she's a cow.

- I wonder what names you
call me when I am not around.

(audience laughing)

- Lisa, I'm sure Eleanor
would be the first one

to tell you that she would
not want a specialist,

that she'd prefer
a veterinarian.

- Well, I want to hear
that from her own lips.

(audience laughing)

- If you do, let me know.

And while I'm getting
her a veterinarian,

I'll get you a psychiatrist.

(audience laughing)

Do you know where Dr. Erlich is?

Oh, well when he comes home,

have him call me at
the Douglas phone.

Yes, thank you.

(mooing)

Hey, what do you
think you're doing?

- Who said that?

- I did!

- Where are you?

- Up here!

- Oh, hello Darryl.

- Where you going with Eleanor?

- Into the bedroom.

- I don't want a cow.

Oh, for...

- You'll feel a lot
better here, Eleanor.

- What did you
bring her in here for?

- Well, she doesn't feel good

and I'm not going
to leave her out there

in that drafty old barn.

- What are you doing?

- Turning the bed down
so she can lie down.

- Not in my bed!

- Well, she can
sleep on my side.

(audience laughing)

- Well I'm not going to sleep
in the same bed with a cow!

- Well, that's a fine
way to talk to your wife.

- Mr. Kimball...
- Hello there.

(mooing)

How do you do?

Say, this is a nice
looking barn you got here.

- We're having a little problem.

I just called the
vet, Mr. Kimball.

- Well, that's your problem,
calling the vet Mr. Kimball.

His name is Dr. Erlich.

- No, I know his name.

- Then why did you
all him Mr. Kimball?

- I didn't...

Do you know anything
about livestock?

- Of course.

I'm not a county
agent for nothing.

Although you might think it
if you ever saw my paycheck.

- Well maybe you can help me.

- Well, I'll do my best.

What's your symptoms?

- Not me.

It's Eleanor.

Maybe you could
take a look at her.

- Oh, glad to.

She looks alright to me.

(audience laughing)

- That's not Eleanor!

- No, I'm Lisa.

- Which one is Eleanor?

- The cow.

(mooing)

- How do you do?

Stick out your
tongue and say ah.

(mooing)

Ah, ah.

Welp, I think I know
what's wrong with her.

She can't say ah.

- Is that serious?

- Oh, forget it Mr. Kimball.

We'll wait 'til we
can find a vet.

- Please.

I took Sick Cow 1A
in agricultural school.

Now, what seems to be wrong?

- We haven't got
any milk for a week.

- Well that's easy to fix,

just leave a note
for the milkman.

- Oh, you miser...

- Mr. Kimball, we're
worried about her.

If you can find out
what's wrong with her?

- Well, I'll be glad
to look her over.

If you'll just wait outside.

- Don't worry, Eleanor.

You're going to be alright.

- Is there anything I can do?

- No.

She's in very capable hands.

(upbeat music)

Well, how long has
that been growing there?

(audience laughing)

- I better call the vet again.

(upbeat music)

Dr. Erlich hasn't come back yet.

- Well why do you need him?

I'm sure that Mr. Kimball
knows what he's doing.

- Which Mr. Kimball
are you talking about?

- The one who's in
there with Eleanor.

- Well, there's
nothing to worry about.

- Did you find out
what's wrong with her?

- Oh, yes I did.

It's very simple.

You see, well, it, it
has to do with, well...

- Mr. Kimball, you're blushing.

- Oh, perhaps if I could
talk to Mr. Douglas.

- You actually know
what's the matter with her?

- Oh yes, very normal with cows.

You see (whispers).

- Are you sure?

- I'm positive.

- Well thanks.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

- Oh, any time.

- What did Mr. Kimball say?

Is it serious?

- No, it's not serious.

I don't know why I
didn't think of it myself.

- Well, what's wrong with her?

- Eleanor needs a calf.

- Oh, well that's easy.

Why don't we just buy her one?

- Uh, no, that isn't the idea.

She has to have her own calf.

- Why?

- Well, you see a cow gives
milk primarily to feed her young

and when she doesn't
have a calf, her milk dries up.

- Oh.

Well what do we do about that?

- Well, we find a
bull for Eleanor.

- How do we do that?

- Well, we'll ask Mr. Drucker

if he knows anybody
who has a bull at stud.

- What's that?

- Stud.

It's a, (audience laughing)

it's a poker game.

Stud poker.

- Well I don't think I like
Eleanor to marry a gambler.

I once had an aunt who married
a fellow who was the most...

- Lisa, Lisa, let
me handle it, huh?

(upbeat music)

- Oh yeah, Hank Kimball
told me all about Eleanor.

I suppose you're looking for
somebody with a stud bull?

- No poker players.

- Huh?

- Oh, she, do you know anybody?

- Yeah, Otis Cowan.

- Who's he?

Well he owns a farm over
on the north end of town.

- Oh, owns his own farm.

Eleanor ought to like him,
a bull with his own farm.

- No, no, no.

Otis Cowan owns the bull.

- Well, we'll go back
and get Eleanor,

take her over
there and leave her.

- Just like that?

- Well, yes.

- Does Eleanor know this bull?

- What has that
got to do with it?

- What has that
got to do with it?

Mr. Drucker, would you
take your daughter over

and leave her with
some strange bull?

- No, I, uh...
- You see?

The least you can do is
find out something about him.

Do you know what kind of a
family this bull comes from?

- Well, I think
they're very, uh...

- How much money does he make?

- Well, I don't, I, uh...
- Is he a chaser?

- Not that I know of.

- Lisa, will you leave
Mr. Drucker alone?

It doesn't matter
what this bull is.

We're going home to tie
Eleanor to the back of the car

and take her over there.

- Well, you should have
been a father in Hungary.

That's the way they do things.

They tie their daughter
to the back of the car

and take her over to
marry some stranger.

The girl's feelings
don't even count.

- Lisa, we're talking
about a cow and a bull.

- And you let your
daughter marry him.

- Yes, in that respect I'm
a real Hungarian father.

Let's go.

- One moment, Darryl.

In case Eleanor likes this
fellow, will you be around?

- Uh, well I guess so.

- Good.

Will they need a license?

- To do what?

- To get married!

(audience laughing)

- Oh, to get m... Married?

- Yes, well you are
the Justice of the Peace

and I am sure there
is nobody that Eleanor

would rather have perform
the ceremony than you.

- Ceremony?

- Oh yes.

Nothing fancy, now, just a
usual cow and bull ceremony,

just a few friends, you know,
glass of wine, some cookies.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I, I, I, uh.

- Thank you Mr. Drucker.

- Oh, that's uh... A
cow and bull ceremony?

- If you've never performed one,

it's very similar to the
hen and rooster ceremony.

See you.

(audience laughing)

- Hen and rooster ceremony.

What kind of dad blamed
idiot do they think I am?

(chickens clucking)

Not without your
parent's consent.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Hello, folks.

- Well, are you Mr. Cowan?

- That's right.

- Mr. Drucker told me to
come over and see you.

I'm Mr. Douglas.

- Oh.

- This is Mrs. Douglas.

- How do you do, ma'am?

- Oh, hello there.

I hear we're going
to be in-laws.

- Uh, in-laws?

- Why you're son is going
to marry our daughter.

- My son?

- Mr. Cowan, she
means that your bull

and our daughter,
er, I mean our cow.

- Oh, you want...
- Yeah, that's right.

- Well I tell you
what, just untie her

and leave her here
and I'll take care of it.

- Oh, okay.
- Not so fast, not so fast.

There are a few things I
like to know about your family.

- My family?

- Are you a drinking man?

- Lisa.

- Well I don't want
Eleanor to get hooked up

with a bunch of boozers.

- Well, I must admit
that now and then

I do take a little drink,
you know, just sociable.

- So does my husband.

But he makes more of a
business out of it than a social.

(audience laughing)

- Lisa, you don't...

- May I ask what
your son's name is?

- Oh, Ronald.

- That's a nice name.

What does he do?

- Oh, he goes to college.

- Ah, I like a bull
that goes to college.

- No, Ronald is my son.

The bull's name is Dudley.

- Oh?

Does he go to college?

- No.

- Well, what are his prospects?

Can he support a family?

- Well I...

- Lisa, we're
discussing two animals.

- Boy, you're getting more
Hungarian by the minute.

- But why don't we
just leave Eleanor here?

Everything will be fine.

- Not so fast.

Could we see your son?

- No, I told you,
he's in college.

- No, she means
could we see the bull?

- Oh, sure, sure, yeah.

- Lisa, this isn't
at all necessary.

- Maybe not for you.

But this Eleanor's future
we are talking about.

(mooing)

And it's our duty to see that
she gets the right husband.

- Yes, you're right.

We should do everything we can.

- Oh, Oliver, you do care.

- Lisa, I...
- Well, here he is.

- Hey, he looks fine, huh?

We'll just leave Eleanor here.

- Not so fast.

What do you think of...

Uh, what's your
son's name again?

- Oh, uh Ronald.

- No, no not that son.

This one.

- Oh, this is Dudley.

- Well, Eleanor.

What do you think of Dudley?

(mooing)

I'm sorry, Mr, Cowan.

Eleanor doesn't like him.

- Doesn't like him?

Well, she's the
first cow that hasn't.

- You mean he's
been married before?

- Well, yes, uh, well no.

You see...
- Have you got another son?

- No, just Ronald.

- Lisa, Dudley is fine.

We'll leave Eleanor and...
- No thank you.

- What?

- If there's one thing
Dudley doesn't need,

it's a kooky mother-in-law.

(audience laughing)

Come on Ronald, I mean Dudley.

(audience laughing)

- Now what?

- Don't worry, Eleanor.

Dudley isn't the
only fish in the cream.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Well, now that you and
Eleanor have turned down Dudley,

have you got any suggestions?

- Maybe we could
do like my cousin did

when she was
looking for a husband,

join a lonely hearts club.

- That might work.

Or we could have
a party for Eleanor

and invite all the
eligible bulls in town.

(mooing)

- That's even better.

- Lisa, this has
gone far enough.

I should have left
Eleanor with Mr. Cowan.

- Oh, but Oliver.

- Lisa, there's nothing
wrong with Mr. Cowan's bull.

But if you don't agree, then
you find a mate for Eleanor.

- Well how am I
going to do that?

- (Mr. Haney) Bring the
chuckwagon up here, hombres.

We'll bed down
here for the night.

- What the?

(playful music)

♪ There's a traffic jam

♪ on the Chisholm
Trail tonight, Martha

♪ That's why I'm a little
late at getting home to you

- Mr. Haney.

- Oh, Mr. Douglas.

You're the first critter I've
run across on the trail today.

I hope you don't mind me
pushing my herd across your range.

- Your herd?

What herd?

- Him.

- Oh, is that a him cow?

- Yes, ma'am.

One of the finest him cows
in the county, if not the state.

- That is one of the mangiest
looking bulls I've ever seen.

- Oh, he don't
always look that way.

It's just that he's been
pining away for a mate.

Ain't that right, Ole?

(mooing)

His name is Ole Sanchez,

the last of a great line of
Pampas bulls from the Argentine.

- Oh boy.

- I sure wish I could
find a right mate for him.

- Well, Mr. Haney, we have a...

- Lisa, don't say it.

- Don't say what?

- That we have a cow that...

- You have a cow?

- You know darn well we have.

You sold her to us.

- Eleanor.

- Oh, her.

Well, I don't think that
Ole'd be interested.

- Fine, now if you'll
just take him out of here.

- I should let him
speak for himself.

How 'bout it Ole?

Would you care to meet Eleanor?

(mooing)

He says, "Si."

That means yes in Spanish.

- I don't care what
language he said yes in.

I'm not bringing Eleanor
out here to meet that...

(mooing)

- Who is that?

- Eleanor!

- Doggone, I hardly
recognized her.

She sure has blossomed
into a beautiful hunk of beef.

(mooing)

(playful music)

- Oliver, look at that.

It's love at first sight.

- Love at, she needs glasses.

(audience laughing)

- I agree with Mrs. Douglas.

I believe they have
fallen madly in love.

- Then I think they
ought to get married.

- So do I.

That'll be $300.

- Three hundred dollars?

- Well, in the Argentine,
the wife is expected

to bring along a little dowry.

- Mr. Haney, I want you to
take that bag of beef bones

and get out of here!

- But Mr. Douglas, you're
breaking up a beautiful romance.

- Out!

- Let's slap leather, Ole.

We got a heap of trail to ride

before the sun sinks
behind the buttes.

That's a fade out line
from a Gene Autry picture.

(audience laughing)

- Then fade out!

(mooing)

- You did it again.

You broke Eleanor's heart.

- Alright, Lisa, I've had
enough of this nonsense.

This is a cow.

She doesn't know
anything about romance.

To her, one bull is
the same as another,

except Mr. Haney's bull.

Now, tomorrow I'm taking
her over to Mr. Cowan's

and that is that.

(mooing)

- I know just how
you feel, darling.

That's the way I
felt when my father

forced me to marry Mr. Douglas.

(audience laughing)

(playful music)

♪ There's a traffic jam

♪ on the Chisholm
Trail tonight, Martha

♪ That's why I'm a little
late getting home to you

♪ Get along, get
along, get along,

♪ get along, get
along, get along

- Ah, Morning, Eleanor!

Well today's your
wedding day and...

Eleanor.

Holy smoke!

(playful music)

Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas!

- What, what, what,
what, what's the matter?

What's the matter?

- If you weren't
asleep, you'd know.

- Know what?

- A terrible thing happened?

- Yeah?

- What, what, what,
what, what's going on?

- I, I don't...

- Like I just told Mr. Douglas,
a terrible thing happened.

- What?

- He didn't tell me!

- Oh, that's right,
I didn't tell you.

Well you see, I got up this
morning and made my bed

and I was singing this song.

♪ There's a traffic jam

♪ on the Chisholm
Trail tonight, Martha

- Eb!

If you don't tell me
what happened, I'll...

- I'm, I'm just trying
to set the scene

so you'll get the full impact.

- You'll get the full
impact to this if you don't...

- Well in that
case, I'll tell ya.

Eleanor's gone.

- Gone?

- Yeah, she kicked the
barn door down and escaped.

- Now are you satisfied,
Mr. Matchmaker?

You wanted her to
marry a bull she didn't like.

And rather than to do that,
she ran away from home.

- I doubt that.

- I'm never going
to see her again.

(sniffling)

- There's nothing to cry about!

- What a cold heart!

This is the last time I
ever marry a Hungarian!

(audience laughing)

- Oh, for...

Oh, I can do it!

Come on, she
hasn't gotten very far.

We'll find her.

(playful music)

- Hold it right there, partner.

- Mr. Haney, point that
gun somewhere else.

- Oh, it ain't loaded.

Gene Autry made sure of
that when he sold it to me.

You see, he can't use it no more

now that they don't
allow violence on TV.

- Mr. Haney...

- Eb, is there a tall
tree around here,

where we can string
this varmint up?

- Uh, yes sir.

There's a good tree
right in the back of the...

- Eb!

(audience laughing)

What are you talking
about, stringing me up?

- That's what we do
with cattle rustlers.

- You don't make any sense.

- Don't play the lily-livered
innocent with me.

Last night you snuck over to
my coral in the dead of night

and you cleaned out my
whole herd of Ole Sanchez.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, for the love of...

- What's the matter?

- I'm gonna hang your husband.

- Oh, well there is a good
tree there in the back of...

- Lisa!

(audience laughing)

- You deserve it.

You know what he did?

He made Eleanor
run away from home.

- Eleanor is missing?

- Yeah, I was making
my bed this morning

and singing this song.

♪ There's a
traffic jam in the...

- Will you be quiet?

- So, Eleanor's missing, huh?

And so is Ole.

- So that's it.

- What's it?

- They eloped.

(upbeat music)

Oliver.

- Mhm.

- Where do you suppose
they went on their honeymoon?

- Who?

- Eleanor and Ole.

- They probably
went to Niagara Falls.

- Oh, don't be silly.

Do you suppose he took
her to South America?

- Look, Lisa...

- Well, he's from the Argentine.

- That's probably
where they went.

Now may I go back to sleep?

- Of course, dear.

- Oliver.

- What now?

- I hope they'll be
as happy as we are.

- Me too.

- You are happy, aren't you?

- I would be if I
could get some sleep.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Goodnight, darling.

- Goodight,
goodnight, sweetheart.

- Linda? Olga?
Maria? Kate? Carol?

Betty? Barbara? Mildred? Penny?

- Lisa.

- Yes.

Yes, we could call her Lisa.

Unless, of course,
it's a boy cow.

Then we'll call him Oliver.

- Yes, call him Oliver.

- Oliver, just think, our
daughter is going to be a mother.

(audience laughing)

Oliver!

- What's the matter?

- Oliver, I just
thought of something.

- What?

- I'm too young to
be a grandmother!

(crying)

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.