Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 6 - Handy Lessons - full transcript

(upbeat music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife



♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

(upbeat music)

- Oliver, Oliver!

- What's the matter?

- Come here quick, I need you!

- What's the matter? (groans)

- [Lisa] Oliver!

- I'm coming, I'm coming!

(upbeat music)

(clattering)

- [Lisa] Oliver, hurry!

- I'm coming!

(chickens cluck) (upbeat music)



(clucking)

I'm sorry, I'll buy
you another one.

What's the matter?

- The light bulb in the
refrigerator burned out.

- The light bulb in the...

- Refrigerator, it burned out.

- Burned out?

- In the refrigerator,
the light bulb.

- The way you were yelling, I
thought it was an emergency.

- It is, I can't find
the cream cheese.

- You can't find the...
- Cream cheese.

In the refrigerator,
the light burned out.

- Lisa, do you realize...

- Why are you
carrying your shoe?

- Oh, I stepped on an egg.

- Why did you do that?

- Because a stupid
chicken laid it right in front

of the backdoor.

- Stupid chicken, I'd like to
see you lay one anywhere.

- Lisa.

- Would you change the
bulb in the refrigerator?

Ooh.

- Now, can't you replace a bulb?

- No.

In Hungary,

the royal family don't know
how to do things like that.

- Royal family, oh, I'm
sorry, your Highness.

- You may kiss my ring.

- You may kiss it yourself.

Now, if you'll watch closely,

I'll show you how to
replace a burned-out bulb.

Come with me.

To replace a burned-out bulb,

first, you unscrew
the burned-out bulb,

if you please, then
you take the new bulb

and you screw it in the socket.

- Ooh, you're a peach.

- I'll see you later.

- Oh, Oliver, wait a minute,
there's something else.

- Lisa, I've got
to fix the tractor.

- But it only will
take a minute.

The nail fell out.

Could you put in another one?

- Don't you know
how to hammer a nail?

- No.

- Here, it's time you learned.

(playful solemn music)

This is a hammer.

- How do you spell it?

- Lisa.

And this is a nail.

Now, you, excuse me please,

you place the nail
where you want it,

and then you hammer it in.

- Oh.

- Now, do you think
you could do that?

- Well, I could try.

- There you are.

- There.
- Mm-hmm.

Good luck.

- Thank you.

(playful music)

(clattering)

- What happened?

- I missed the nail.

- Oh, for.

(sighs)

- May I have the hammer, please?

- Look, Lisa, why
are you so inept?

- I am as ept as
anybody, even epter.

- You are not epter than...

- Oliver, that was the
first nail I ever hammered.

- You didn't hammer the nail.

You made a hole in the wall.

- Well, at least I know
how to do that now.

- Lisa, would you
come in here, please?

- I don't think I could
get through the hole.

- There's a door.

- You're not going to
hit me with the hammer?

- No.

- Do you want to kiss me?

- No.

- You've never kissed me
through a hole in the wall.

- No, I'm not a
hole-in-the-wall kisser.

- I guess the honeymoon is over.

- Only on weekdays.

(playful music)

Lisa, how long have
you been living here?

- Three years, but I
wouldn't call it living.

- Well, in three
years, don't you think

you should've learned to
do some of the simple things,

like driving a nail,
changing a bulb?

- Well, I'm just
not handy that way.

- But a farm wife
has to be handy.

- Well, I'm just not the type.

- Oh, I'm sure you
could learn if you tried.

- Would that make you happy?

- Yes, it would.

- All right, I'll try.

- Thank you.

- I am a good kid.

- Yes, you are.

Now, I gotta get back
to work on the tractor.

Here, just hammer in the nail

and hang the picture
over the hole, hmm?

- All right.

(playful solemn music)

(thuds)

Oh.

Oh!

(crying)

- Dear, Secretary
of Agriculture,

I have been a county
agent for nearly,

oh, it's been longer than that.

Well, anyway,
during the entire time,

well, not the entire time,
I did have a vacation.

Well, it wasn't really a
vacation, I was on sick leave.

I had chestnut blight.

Yeah, I caught it from
a, no, better scratch that.

Well, no point in
scratching that,

'cause I forgot to put the
cylinder on the machine.

Uh, yours truly, Hank Kimball.

(upbeat music)

(knocking)

- Mr. Kimball?

Mr. Kimball?

Ooh!

- Oh, Mrs. Douglas,
are you alone?

- Yes.

- Ralph Monroe
isn't with you, is she?

- No.

- Oh, (sighs).

- Are you standing
in a hole in the floor?

- Oh, no, I was trying to
get away from Ralph Monroe.

She's always after
me to marry her.

- You could do much
worse than marrying Ralph.

- Who wants to marry
a lady carpenter?

- My husband.

- Oh?

Gee, I'm sorry, Mrs. Douglas.

I didn't know your husband
had a thing for Ralph.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

He'll change his mind
as soon as he sobers up.

- No, no, you don't understand.

He wants me to be like Ralph.

- Oh, well, that
shouldn't be hard.

Just get yourself a pair
of overalls and ugly up.

- No, he doesn't want
me to look like her.

He wants me to be
handy with tools like her.

- Oh, she's handy with tools.

She made that
telephone table for me.

Gee, it's a little dusty.

(blows)

(clattering)

She built it that
way on purpose,

so she'd have an excuse
to come over here and fix it.

(snaps)

Ah, now, you were, uh,

oh, excuse me. (phone rings)

Hello?

Hello?

Hmm, must've been disconnected.

Now, what did you come
over to see me about?

- My husband, you see he
wants me to be able to fix things,

so I thought maybe you
had some of those bulletins

you get from the
Department of Agriculture

on how I can be handy.

- Oh, well, you want
one of our handy bulletins.

Well, that's no problem.

Yes, it is,

because I can't remember
where I put the bulletins.

I usually put 'em in
this filing cabinet here.

All right, who put all the
bulletins in a filing cabinet?

Well, I suppose that
what you'd want is, uh.

- [Ralph] Hanky!

- It's her!

(playful fast music)

- Howdy-doody, Mrs. Douglas?

- Hello, Ralph.

- Is Mr. Kimball here?

Come out from
under there, Hanky,

or I'm comin'
under there with ya.

- (speaks foreign language)
What can I do for you, please?

- Who is he?

- That's Hanky.

Take off the chin spinach.

- I can't understand it.

When you wore this on
Halloween, nobody recognized you.

- Oh, I see your telephone
table broke again.

Lucky I dropped by.

Don't worry, I'll
fix it for ya, lover.

- You got a touch
like a stevedore.

- You can look over my
shoulder while I'm doin' it.

He's got the hottest breath.

- Please, this is a
place of business

and there's no room in
business for hot breath.

Now will you take that thing
back to your shop and fix it?

- You wanna come
down and watch me?

- No, Mrs. Douglas does.

- Oh, could I?

You see, my husband.

- Oh, you mean, ooh-la-la
Oliver with the wavy hair?

- He's on a handy kick.

He wants me to be able to
fix things around the house.

- There's nothing to it.

- Then you'll teach me?

- Sure, you wanna come
down to the shop with me now?

Do you have any work clothes?

- Yes, I have a pair
of overalls at home.

I got it before we
moved out here.

- Good.

- Uh, could we keep it a
secret from my husband?

You see, I want to surprise him.

- My lips are sealed.

- Yeah, if we could
only keep 'em that way.

- If you weren't so sexy,
I'd beat your brains out!

Come on.

(happy upbeat music)

- Lisa?

Lisa?

(slow rhythmic music)

"I won't be home for dinner.

"Hope you are the same, Lisa."

What does that mean?

- It means I'm
cookin' supper for ya.

- What?

- Yeah, uh, I got a
note from your wife, too,

and it said, "Cook
dinner for ooh-la-la."

And you're the only
one around here

that fits that description.

- Ooh-la...
- What'll ya have, Ooh?

How 'bout ragout of beef,

or I can make it
with the rag in?

- Look, I...

- Or I can make
ya a bouillabaisse.

- Bouillabaisse?

- Yeah, I get a
bouilla and baise it.

- That's enough, Eb.

Look, do you know
where Mrs. Douglas is?

- No, sir.

All I know is she spent
a very unhappy afternoon

after you threw the hammer
at her and it stuck in the wall.

- I didn't throw
the hammer at her.

- Well, you must've
thrown somethin' at her.

She was cryin' pretty good.

- Well, she had
nothing to cry about.

All I did was complain she
oughta be able to do a few things

like changing light bulbs

or hammering a nail in the wall.

- How can she
hammer a nail in the wall

when it's got
the big hole in it?

- She made that hole.

- And you say she's not handy?

- Eb, do you know
where she went?

- No, sir.

(sighs)

- I wonder where she could be.

- Where is she?

- She's in your room
changing into her overalls.

- Why didn't she
change in your room?

- Because my room
doesn't have a shade.

- Well, how come
you change in there?

- Because everybody
thinks it's your room.

- How do I look?

- Like a big jar
of ripe solder flux.

- She looks dreamy.

I gotta get me a pair
of overalls like those.

- What good'll it do?

Your face will still show.

- Alf, one more salient
remark outta you

and you get the coup de gracie.

Okay, let's get started.

- All right.

- The first thing we're
gonna do is learn about tools.

Now, you know what this is?

- That's a hammer.

- Good.

(thuds)
- Ow!

- If you've got a headache,
why don't ya go lie down?

Do you know what this is?

- That's a screws driver.

- [Ralph] Good.

(thuds)
- Ooh!

- Why don't you take
something for that?

Do you know what this is?

- No.

- That is a wrench.

(clunking)

Maybe before I
show you all the tools,

I ought to show you
how to use some of them.

Let's start with the saw.

Now, rhythm is
very important, like,

one two, one two.

- [Both] One two, one
two, one two, one two,

one two, one two!

(train chugs)

- Eb, what time do you have?

- Half past Petticoat Junction.

(train chugs)

- Look, Eb, did you see
Mrs. Douglas at all today?

- Huh?

- I said, did you
see Mrs. Douglas?

- No, sir, the only thing I've
seen is Petticoat Junction.

- Eb, I'm not in the
mood, turn that thing off.

- Huh?

Mr. Douglas, do you
know what you just did?

- Yes.

- You silenced the work

of hundreds of
technicians and actors,

not to mention the
relatives of the producer.

Those people that slave in
the flesh pots of Hollywood

to bring you a few moments
of happiness and joy,

and you cut 'em off
with the flick of your wrist.

- Eb.

- No wonder Mrs.
Douglas left ya.

- She didn't leave me.

- She didn't come
home for supper.

That's leavin'.

And I don't blame her,

the way you lend on
her with the handy bit,

expectin' a lovely woman
like her to build you a barn.

- I didn't expect her to...

- Well, I'm sure
she'll be a lot happier

in the arms of Dr. Herkheimer.

- Dr. Herkheimer?

- Yeah, he's the charming
doctor from the Near East

whose wife is sufferin'
from a rare disease,

which can only be
cured by a dentist.

- What are you talking about?

- That's what happened
on Peyton Place

when this rich landowner
was cruel to his wife.

She ran off with Dr. Herkheimer.

- Eb, go to bed.

- Yes, sir.

Ooh, uh, don't worry
about Mrs. Douglas.

I'm sure that wherever she
is Dr. Herkheimer will take

good care of her.

- Out!

What could she be doing?

- One two, one
two, how am I doin'?

- You're doin' fine.

- You certainly are.

You've done things with
tools I haven't been able to do

in the 25 years I've
been a carpenter.

How did you manage to get
a power drill stuck in the wall?

- You made a lot
of stupid mistakes.

- The only mistake I ever made
was havin' you for a brother.

- I'm your sister.

- Keep sayin' it, maybe
some day I'll believe it.

- Why don't you go to bed?

- How can I?

She nailed the door shut.

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Alf.

- Don't pay any attention
to him, you're doin' fine.

(clattering)

- Well, just what
I always wanted,

a three-legged work table.

- Well, maybe I could screw
it together with a chisel?

- You've done enough.

- How's she gonna learn?

- Why don't we take her out
on the job with us tomorrow

and let her ruin
somebody else's house?

- That's a great idea.

(playful music)

(clattering)

- Yeah, a real great idea.

(playful music)

(playful rhythmic music)

(thudding)

- Who's there?

- What were you expecting?

- Lisa,

where have you been?

- Out.

- What were you doing?

- Nothing.

- Look, Lisa, you've been gone.

Do you know a Dr. Herkheimer?

- Who is he?

- Well, he's a charming.

Are you gonna tell
me where you've been?

- Not tonight.

I'm too tired.

- Where are you going?

- To the bathroom
to get undressed.

- Well, you always
get undressed in here.

- Not anymore.

Somebody might look
through this hole in the wall.

(upbeat playful music)

(rooster crows)

- Ah, Lisa.

(rooster crows)

It's almost six o'clock.

(upbeat music)

"I am gone.

"Try not to miss me.

"Hope this finds you
happy and well, Lisa."

- Oh, I see you got a note, too.

- What does yours say?

"Farewell, take good
care of Mr. Douglas.

"Cook all his meals

"and see that he
doesn't miss me."

- I just don't understand this.

- I guess the husband is
always the last to know,

so I'll be the first to tell ya.

She's left ya.

- Oh, she has not.

- I hope you treat your
next wife a little better

and maybe you'll be able
to keep her a little longer.

- Eb, will you get outta here?

- Yes, sir, ooh, uh, as
per your ex-wife's note,

what do ya want for breakfast?

- Nothing.

- Oh, lost your
appetite and your wife.

What a way to start the day.

- Eb, just go in and
make your own breakfast.

- Yes, sir.

- I wonder if she did.

(solemn music)

No, if she had, she'd
have taken her jewelry.

- Okay, let's go.

- Thank you.

What can I take?

- Grab my tool chest.

- It's too heavy.

- Oh, don't worry, I can manage.

Ooh! (thuds)

- Are we dancing or working?

- She dropped the
tool chest on my foot!

- Well, I'm sorry, I'm
just trying to learn.

- Well, you don't need
lessons in droppin' a toolbox.

- What can I do?

I want to help.

- Get the ladder and
bring it over there.

- Say please.

- Okay, please.

- Wait a second, I'll help ya.

- Okay.

(knocking)

- [Alf] Mr. Harrison?

- It's about time you got here.

- We were delayed.

- I want that roof fixed today.

- Yes, sir.

(grunts)

- I told you not to eat
pig's knuckles for breakfast.

- It wasn't the pig's,

she hit me in the
stomach with the ladder.

- I'm sorry.

What do you want me to do?

- Just put the ladder up
against the side of the house.

- Say please.

- Please.

Geesh.

(playful music)

(glass tinkles)

- What did you do?

- I-I-I put the ladder
against the side of the house,

but it wasn't long enough.

- Who are you?

- I'm the new Monroe brother.

- The what?

- Oh, we're sorry, Mr. Harrison.

- I want this window fixed.

- I'll fix it.

- You're not gonna fix anything.

- Say please.

- Please, you're not
gonna fix anything.

- I'm sorry.

- You're doing fine.

- Let's get up on the roof.

- Yes, let's.

(playful music)

- Oh no, oh no, not you.

You're not even
safe on the ground.

- Don't pay any
attention to him.

He's always grouchy
in the morning.

- Well, what can I do?

- Well, why don't ya
practice nail hammering?

Why don't ya hammer
those boards back into place?

- [Lisa] All right.

- Here.

- Oh boy, Oliver's going
to be so proud of me!

- Hello, hello?

Hello, Sarah?

Sarah, uh, get me Fred Ziffel.

- Did ya find her yet?

- No, I've called everybody.

- Did ya try Dr. Herkheimer's?

- Why don't, hello?

Oh, Mr. Ziffel, uh, yes,
this is Oliver Douglas.

Have you seen my wife?

Well, she has blonde
hair and she's about,

you know what she looks like.

What?

Where?

Oh, thanks, yes,
thank you very much.

- Did he see her?

- Yes, she's at
Mr. Harrison's place.

- Mr. Harrison, the
swingin' bachelor.

Doggone, I never
thought he was her type.

(playful music)

(thudding)

(creaks)

(playful music)

(thudding)

- Lisa!

- Oh, Oliver!

- What do you
think you're doing?

- Well, you wanted me to
be handy around the house,

and I was going to surprise you,

but now that you
know you won't be.

- I won't be what?

- Surprised.

I'm taking handy lessons
from Alf and Ralph.

- Oh, the fumble twins.

Well, you picked a
couple of great teachers.

- Look how much I learned.

(creaks)

Aren't I good?

- Uh, at one end.

What about the other end?

- Ooh, that just
needs a bigger nail.

- Well, uh, Lisa,

you don't have to have...
- This ought to hold it.

Hold this.

Now,

look very closely.
- Lisa, you don't need that.

- Now, watch closely.

(tapping) (playful music)

- Of all the, in the!

- How was that?

(creaks)

Oh, now that one
needs a bigger nail, too.

Here, hold this.

- Lisa, you don't,

you don't.
- How do you do?

- Oh, hi.

- Care for some coffee?

- Uh, no thanks.

Lisa...
- Oh, have some.

- Hey!

Watch it, ya birdbrain!

- You're the birdbrain drivin'
that spike through the wall

and into my coffeepot!

- I didn't drive any spike!

- You just need a bigger nail.

- You drive that
spike into my wall,

and I'll drive this
into your nose.

- Just a minute!

State your grievances
calmly, please,

and don't say you'll
punch me in the nose!

Ooh!

- That wasn't very nice.

You should've let him
finish what he was saying

before you punched him.

(groaning)

Oh, are you all right?

Oh, let's go home, I'll put
a cold water bottle on it.

(playful music)

Oh, the swelling has gone down.

- It wouldn't have gone up

if you hadn't gotten mixed
up with the Monroe brothers.

- But it isn't their fault.

I wanted to learn
how to do things,

and Ralph taught me
how to use all sorts

of different kind of tools.

And from now on, I'll be
handy around the house.

- Ah, Lisa, I...

- Do you want to see
me hang a picture?

- No, no,
not today.
- Come on,

please let me.
- No, Lisa, not today.

No, no.

- Now watch.

You hold the nail up like this,

and then you hammer it.

(tapping)

(creaking)

I can see by the
look on your face

that you can't believe it.

- No, I can't!

- Do you want me
to do something else?

- Get a fly swatter.

I have a feeling we're gonna
have a lot of flies in here.

- Okay.

(upbeat playful music)

This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.