Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Candidate - full transcript

Fed up with the lousy condition of the highway through Hooterville, Oliver launches an attack on their beloved state district representative, Ben Hanks. Oliver runs into a brick wall with the locals because Ben bribes them with expensive gifts; he even has a catalog for them to choose their "gifts" from. The folksy, guitar-playing politician proves too wily for Oliver, even after being caught padding the state payroll with relatives.

("Green Acres
Theme" by Vic Mizzy)

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darlin' I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times square ♪ You are my wife



♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

(motor sputters)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Hello, dear!

- Hello.

- I've got some
bad news for you.

- What?

- You've got a flat tire.

(audience laughs)

- I know.

- Well why did you do that?

- I didn't do it.

- Well, somebody did.



And you were the only
one who was driving the car.

- Lisa, I hit a pothole, and...

- What's a pots hole?

- It's a hole in the
pot, a pot in the road.

A hole in the road.

- Well, which one is it?

- Oh, that stupid road.

The condition it's in, I'm
lucky I only got one flat.

(tire bangs and hisses)

- Do you want to try for three?

(audience laughs)

- Mrs. Douglas?

Did you ask him?

- Not yet.

- Is he in a good humor?

- No, I'm not.

- I was talking to Mrs. Douglas.

(audience laughs)

- Eb, what do you want?

- Well, I wanted to
know if I could, say,

do you know you
have two flat tires?

(audience laughs)

- Yes, I know.

- Then there's no
sense in askin' you

what I wanted to ask you.

Who wants to borrow
your car with two flat tires?

- That makes sense.

(audience laughs)

- If you wanna borrow
the car, fix the tires.

- I'd like to, but
this is my day off.

- Yesterday was your day off.

- And today too?

Golly, you're the most
generous employer around.

(audience laughs)

- You're not
getting the day off.

- It's very important
that I get today off.

- Then get the
jack out of the trunk.

- Mr. Douglas, I'd like to
change the tires, but I can't.

I got my good suit on, and I'm
all showered and fragranced.

- Mm, he smells good.

What is that, Eb?

- I made it myself.

I call it three for one.

It's got citronella in it to
keep the mosquitoes away,

vanilla extract to
keep me dainty,

and Neatsfood Oil to
make me waterproof.

(audience laughs)

- Eb, will you
please get the jack?

- Where are you going that
you have to smell so good?

- Well, I'm no the committee
to re-elect Ben Hanks,

and we have to decorate
the high school auditorium.

- Who's Ben Hanks?

- He's the one

they're decorating the
high school auditorium for.

- Ben Hanks is our
district representative.

- I never heard of him.

- You would've if
you spent more time

worrying about community affairs

and less time worrying
about your flat tires.

- That makes sense.

- Look, everything he
says makes sense to you,

nothing he says
makes sense to me.

Now Eb, please, I want you
to get the jack out of the car,

and fix the tires.

- You only have one spare.

What are you gonna
do about the other one?

- Oh, haven't we
got a tire patch kit?

- No, sir.

- Oh.

Well, I'll walk into
Drucker's and get one.

(tire bangs and hisses)

(audience laughs)

- You better get two.

And walk fast, I'm late now.

(playful orchestral music)

- Tire patchin' kits.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Tire patchin' kits.

Oh, by the way, you goin' to
the Ben Hanks meetin' tonight?

- Just who is this Ben Hanks?

- He's our district
representative.

You don't kneed any
tent stakes, do you?

- Just the tire patch kit.

Sam, this district
representative...

- Well, he represents
us in the state capitol.

He's a fella that gets
things done for us.

- Oh?

- Yeah, anything we got in
this town, we owe to Ben Hanks.

You need any spat buttons?

(audience laughs)

- No, no.

Do we owe all those
potholes in the road to him?

- Oh no, he uh.

Say, could you use a
jar of side burn salve?

- Side burn salve?
(audience laughs)

- You just dab a little
on your side burns,

gives 'em that
patent leather look.

I used to sell a lot of this in
the Rudolph Valentino days.

(audience laughs)

- No thanks.

- I'm sorry, I just don't seem
to have a tire patchin' kit.

- Oh.

Well, thanks anyway.

Oh, uh, Sam, this Ben Hanks.

If he's supposed to
get things done for us,

why hasn't he done
anything about that road?

- I guess nobody ever
called it to his attention.

- Oh, well I intend to.

- Here's your chance.

Hiya, Ben!

- Howdy, Sam!

Dog gone, you're a
sight for sore eyes.

Say, would you put these
up where the folks'll see 'em?

- Oh sure.

Re-elect Ben Hanks,
district representative.

He's as American
as Mom's apple pie.

(audience laughs)

- Pardon me.

- Oh, howdy.

Say, how about a
Ben Hanks button?

- Oh, no, no, no I...

- Then I guess
you're a stranger here.

And judging by that dude outfit,

you must be a
travelin' salesman.

And what kind of
a line to you carry?

Ladies hose?

Bedroom slippers?

No, sir, you look more
like a corset man to me.

(audience laughs)

- I am not a corset man.

- No, this is Mr. Douglas,
he lives here.

- In those clothes?

- Well, he's a city
feller from New York.

Mr. Douglas was a lawyer.

- Well sir, always glad to meet

a bona fide practicing
member of the Bar.

- No, no, I gave up my
practice in New York

when I came out here.

- Oh, disbarred, huh?

- No I was not disbarred.

- Now, now sir, we all
have something in the past

that we try to hide,

and I don't hold
nothing against no man.

I'm glad to know you Mr. Dingle.

(audience laughs)

- Douglas.

- Ah, good idea.

Changing your name
to get a fresh start.

(audience laughs)

Say, after the election, you
wanna call me in my office

and I'll try to throw a little
disbarred business your way.

- I don't want any
disbarred business.

- Well sir, I admire
a man with pride.

Yes sir, how about a
Ben Hanks fountain pen?

- No, no, I don't...

- Now Sam, I've got
something very special for you.

Here, a Ben Hanks toupee.

- Keep young, keep
Ben Hanks in office.

(audience laughs)

Thank you, Ben.

How is it?

- Kinda makes you
look like Lou Cody.

Don't it Mr. Doodle?

- Douglas.

(audience laughs)

Look, Mr. Hanks,
I wanna talk to you

about the condition of our road.

- Which road is that, neighbor?

- Well we only have one.

- And you want another one?

- No, I want to know what
you're going to do about this one.

- Well sir, if you got any
kind of complaint to make

and you want old Ben Hanks
to do something about it,

you just show up at
our meeting tonight

or bring it up during
our open gripe forum.

Yes sir, see you at
the meeting tonight.

So long, Sam.

(uptempo orchestral music)

- Dog gone.

How could you not
vote for man like that?

(audience laughs)

(gentle orchestral music)

- Oh Lisa.

Do we have any notepaper?

- It's in the drawer.

Who are you writing to?

- I'm not writing to anybody.

I just wanna make
some notes of the gripes

I'm gonna bring up at that
Ben Hanks forum tonight.

- Well, you better put
down about the dishwasher.

It isn't working.

- What?

It's running fine.

- I know, but it won't shut off.

- How long has it been running?

- Since Sunday.

(audience laughs)

- You mean it's been
running for three days?

- Mm-hm.

- Well, why didn't
you say something?

- To whom?

- To me.

- What do you know
about dishwashers?

- Well, I know
enough to shut it off

after it's been
running for three days.

Well no wonder
it won't shut off,

this thingamajig is stuck.

- I could've told
you that on Monday.

- Well then, why didn't
you just pull out the plug.

- I tried that on Tuesday.

- Oh.

(audience laughs)

- I never tried that.

- Oh.

Let the stupid thing run.

(foot thuds)

- My hero.

(audience laughs)

Oliver.

- Hm?

- We are going to
have to get new dishes.

These shrunk.

- Oh that's impossible.

Dishes can't shrink.

- [Lisa] Care to explain this?

(audience laughs)

- Look Lisa, I wanna
make out this list.

- Go ahead.

(playful orchestral music)

- Darn pen.

(audience laughs)

How did they?

- Oh, that's a pretty pen.

Where did you get it?

- Oh, Ben Hanks gave it to me.

I should've known
it wouldn't write.

- Why did he give you a pen?

- Oh, so I would vote for him.

Have we got a pencil?

- Why don't you
use your pretty pen?

- It's not working.

The ink won't come out.

- It seems to be
coming out now all right.

(audience laughs)
- Huh, what?

Oh!

Oh, for...
- I'll get you another shirt.

- Ready to go to the open
gripe forum, Mr. Douglas?

Say, do you know you
got ink on your shirt?

(audience laughs)

- Yes, I know.

- Too bad Ben Hanks didn't
give you one of his pens.

They never drip,
leak, ooze, or slobber.

- This was done by
a Ben Hanks pen.

It ruined a $25-shirt.

- You spent $25 for a shirt?

I don't know why you're
going to the forum.

You ain't got
nothing to grip about.

(audience laughs)

- I certainly do.

- Well, you tell
kindly old Ben Hanks.

- I intend to.

- Step right up folks,
get 'em while they're hot.

Help yourself to some
root beer, neighbor.

- Oh, hi.

- Oh hello, Mr. Chairman.

- Oh hi, Eb.

- You know Mr. Douglas.

- Yeah, how are you?

- Fine.

- Did you come to eat or gripe?

- Well who'd have a grip
against kindly old Ben?

- Mr. Douglas.

- That figures.

- Have a Ben Hanks
hot dog, neighbor.

- Please.

- We'll put that on
a Ben Hanks roll,

and help yourself to
some Ben Hanks mustard.

- Hey, if you don't mind,

I think I'd rather have
some Ben Hanks picklelilly.

- Don't forget the
Ben Hanks root beer.

- Okay.

- Oh brother.

- How about a hot dog, friend?

- No, thank you.

- Ben Hanks ear of corn?

- No, no, why would I... ow!

- Oh, sorry.

I should've put that
on a Ben Hanks napkin.

- I don't want it.

- I'll take it.

- Ben Hanks peanuts.

- No thank you.

- I'll take 'em.

- [Vendor] Ben
Hanks cotton candy.

- Please no, I don't
want any cotton candy.

- I'll take it.

- Eb, get inside.

- Yes sir.

(playful orchestral
music) (group chatters)

These taken?

- Nope.

- After you, Mr. Douglas.

What's that?

- Well it's a Ben
Hanks crab leg.

- I didn't get one of those.

- Oh please, sit down.

- Would you hold this for me?

- Look, I don't wanna be.

(group chatters)

- Folks, now if
you all quiet down,

we'll get this meeting started.

- What happened to Sam's head?

- He's wearin' a
Ben Hanks toupee.

- Oh, he sent one
of them to my wife,

but it was the wrong color.

(audience laughs)

- Now, you all know
why we're here.

Every four years,
right before election,

old Ben shows up to listen
to any gripes or complaints

we may have, so let's
get right down to cases

by bringing on that
great statesman,

that friend of the
people, Ben Hanks.

(group cheers and applauds)

- Thank you, thank you, Sam.

And now it's time for
another open gripe forum,

and I wanna hear
any gripes you got.

Don't hold nothin'
back, just stand up,

and complain out loud.

- Yes, I have a...

- Hey Ben, how
about a duck call?

- Duck call?

Sure.

(imitates duck quacking)

(duck quacks)

- He ain't lost his touch.

(men laugh)

- It's probably a loaded duck.

(duck quacks)

- Well, as long as
there ain't no gripes,

I'd like to sing
you a little song.

- Eh, just a minute.

I have a gripe, I'd
like to be heard.

- Well.

It's my old friend Mr. Driggle,
the disbarred lawyer.

(audience laughs)

- Well I was not
Driggle, eh, no,

I mean my name
is not disbarred...

- Why don't you sit down,
eat your cotton candy.

(audience laughs)

- It's not my cotton
candy, it's his.

(audience laughs)

- You got no call to
take out your hostility

on that nice boy.

- I didn't...

- He's one of the best
campaign workers.

Folks, let's hear
it for Eb Dawson.

(group cheers and whistles)

(chuckles) All right, now.

Get back to my song.

- Just a minute, I have a gripe.

- So have we, sit down.

(audience laughs)

- Now hold on, neighbors.

In this country, every
man has a right to be heard

regardless of race,
creed or disbarment.

Now, what's your
complaint, Mr. Duncan?

- Duncas, D-D-Douglas.

- If you've got
something to say, say it.

Speak right up.

- I would simply like to know

why we have to put up with
that horrible road we have.

Why we can't get a new one.

Especially since we pay
such exorbitant highway taxes.

- Now, that's a good question.

In fact, it brings to mind
what old Abe Lincoln said.

- I don't care what
Abe Lincoln said.

- You're the first
man I ever met

who didn't are
about Abe Lincoln,

and he was a lawyer like you.

- Except old Abe
was never disbarred.

(group laughs)

- Neither was I.

Now, what about the road?

What are you gonna do about it?

- I'm gonna take care of
it right after I'm re-elected.

- Ah, well, what
makes you so sure

you're going to be re-elected?

- He's gotta be.

There ain't nobody
runnin' against him.

- There's nobody
running against him?

- That's what
Mr. Trendle just said.

- I know what he said.

What kind of an election is it

when there's only one candidate?

- There's nobody stupid
enough to run against Ben.

- Well, I am.

I mean, I.

(audience laughs)

- Glad to have your hat
in the ring, Mr. Daggiss.

(playful orchestral music)

- Oliver Wendell Daggis.

- Who is that?

- Me.

- Oh, that's smart.

Changing your name
so that if you lose,

you don't have to hang
your head anywhere.

- Lose?

I could beat the.

Lisa, what are you doing?

- Setting the table.

- Come on, now.

Where are the regular dishes?

- These are them.

- Lisa, it was a good
joke, but it's over.

- If you wish.

Would you like to
have some coffee?

(audience laughs)

- Forget it.

- Can I talk to you a
minute, Mr. Daggis?

(audience laughs)

- Look, Eb...
- Hey, who's comin' to dinner?

Tiny Tim?

(audience laughs)

- Funny.

- How do you like my outfit?

It came with the
motorcycle Ben gave me.

- He gave you a motorcycle?

- Yeah.

I'm one of Hank's angels.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, fine.

He buys votes by
giving things away.

- Yeah, he has a wonderful
selection of election gifts.

Did you get copy of his catalog?

- A catalog...

- I sure had a hard
time makin' up my mind

between the motorcycle
and the scuba-diving outfit.

- There's nice set
of dishes in here.

How do we send for those?

- All you have to do is...

- Lisa, Lisa, I'm running
against Ben Hanks,

I'm not going to accept
any gifts from him.

- Oh, old Ben wouldn't mind.

He's real generous.

- And you're gonna vote for him?

- No, sir.

I'm votin' for the
best candidate.

Can I see your catalog?

(audience laughs)

- I haven't got any catalog.

I'm not giving anything away.

- Well, you just lost one vote.

- Make it two.

- What?

- I need some dishes.

- I'll buy you some dishes!

- You can't be
much of a candidate

if you have to buy
your wife's vote.

- Out!

- Yes, sir.

Hi, Mr. Ziffel!

- Hi, Eb.

Hello, everybody.

- Hello, Mr. Ziffel.

Hello, Arnold.

(pig grunts)

- Yes, she sure does
look pretty today.

- Did he say that?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Why don't you say
nice things like that to me?

- Oink, oink, oink!

There, how's that?

- He said it nicer.

(audience laughs)

- So you're really going
to run against Hanks, huh?

- Yeah, that's right.

(pig grunts)

- I don't know, I'll ask him.

- Arnold wants to know
what you're givin' away.

- I'm not giving anything away.

(pig grunts)

- Well, you just lost his vote.

Ben Hanks promised
him a color TV set.

- Since when does
a pig have a vote?

- Well, they don't, but
he influences mine.

(audience laughs)

- Well, for your edification.

(pig squeals)

Edification, it means.

(audience laughs)

- Why don't you tell
him what it means?

It's the only way he can learn.

- Let him get a tutor.

- Ben Hanks promised him one.

- Hey Mr. Ziffel, did
it ever occur to you

that Ben Hanks spends
a great deal of money

giving things away?

- Yeah, old Ben is the
edification of generosity.

(audience laughs)

Do you know he
supports all his relatives?

- Isn't that nice?

- Oh yeah, he must have at
least 50 or 60 of his kinfolks

workin' for the state.

- Oh?

You mean we taxpayers are
paying to support his relatives?

- Isn't that nice!

- No, it isn't!

It's the worst kind of nepotism.

(pig squeals)

Nepotism, it means.

(audience laughs)

Will you stay out of this?

(pig grunts)

Look, do the voters
around here know

that Hanks has been
hiring all his relatives?

- No, I just happen
to run into his cousins,

and he told me.

- Aha.

Well, maybe it'd be a good idea

if somebody brought
it to their attention.

(playful orchestral music)

- Would you please
hold my balloon?

- And would you hold this too?

- Hold it yourself.

Why did you have
to take all that stuff?

- Just because
you're a sore head,

we don't have to be one.

(midtempo orchestral music)

- Anybody here have the
feeling they're not wanted?

- They'll thank me when
they hear what I have to say.

- Do you want a bite?

- No, thank you.

- What is that?

- A Ben Hanks enchilada.

- I'll trade you a Ben
Hanks pizza for it.

- All right.

- What would you trade me

for a Ben Hanks pickled egg?

- Well, how about a
Ben Hanks cole slaw?

- Look, will you two cut it out?

This is not a picnic,
this is serious business.

(hand pounds)

- Order, order.

I declare this tell-all
meetin' to be in session.

Now, as you all
know, Mr. Douglas.

(group boos)

Has leveled some
pretty serious charges

against kind, generous,
big-hearted Ben Hanks.

(group cheers and applauds)

- That's enough, Eb.

- Well, I booed for you.

The least I can do
is applaud for him.

- Well, that's fair.

- Well, as moderator, I
intend to see that both sides

get a fair hearing.

Nobody talks more
than five minutes.

- How's the new
watch runnin' Sam?

- Oh fine, thanks Ben.

- Send you over a gold
chain for it in the morning.

- Just a moment.

- I think the boy with the
balloon has something to say.

- I'm not a boy with a balloon.

- That was my balloon.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

- Here, you can have my panda.

- All right now, who wants
to start the questioning?

- Well, you can let
Mr. Dugan go first.

(audience laughs)

I have nothing to hide.

All my actions have
been honest, upright,

and above reproach.

Did you get the crib I sent
over for your baby, Joe?

(group applauds)

- Forget the crib, look,

I just have one pertinent
question to ask Mr. Hanks.

(duck quacks)

Pertinent, it means.

(audience laughs)

Look, Mr. Hanks,

is it true that you put
your relatives to work

on the state payroll?

- Yes, it is true.

I have some of my
kinfolk workin' for the state.

And I'd like you to
meet some of 'em.

Aunt Bessie, would you
come out here, please?

(playful orchestral music)

Aunt Bessie gonna have
a birthday next month.

How old will you
be, Aunt Bessie?

She says she'll be 29, and
she'd like to get married.

(group laughs)

Aunt Bessie's a great kidder.

But I don't know
what those poor kids

up at the state
orphanage would do

without her to take care of 'em.

And if there's anyone
here who would have me

kick Aunt Bessie
out of the orphanage,

well just let him say so.

(dramatic orchestral
music) (audience laughs)

- Do you want to leave
now or do you want to wait

until they start
throwing things at you?

(audience laughs)

- Sit down, Aunt Bessie.

Now folks, I'd like to
bring out my cousin Earl,

who I got a job re-loading
roll-a-towel machines

at the state capitol,
a job he's had

ever since he come back
from doing his stint overseas.

Come on out here, Earl.

(marching band
music) (group cheers)

If there's anyone here
would like to kick this war hero

off the payroll, let him
stand up and be heard.

(dramatic orchestral music)

Yeah, now Earl,
you just sit down here

next to Aunt Bessie.

Right, now folks, I'd like
to bring out my sister, Enid,

whose husband
passed on last year,

leaving her the sole support
of her 12 small children.

Now, the children
would've come along tonight,

but they're down at the bakery
waiting for the day old bread

to go on sale.

Now you don't object to
that, do you, Mr. Dribble?

- Oh, Mr. Dribble isn't here.

He just slumped out with
this head between his legs.

(playful orchestral music)

- Fools!

- What fools?

- Oh, the voters
of this community.

Selling their birthright
for a mess of porridge.

- I didn't get any of that.

Unless it was in the
back with the potato chips.

(audience laughs)

- Lisa, you're just
like the rest of them,

accepting all those handouts.

The vote is the very foundation
of American democracy.

Men have fought for it

since those first
patriots defended it

with their feeble
muskets at Concord.

- Could you hold
the fife down please.

It's pretty late.

(audience laughs)

- The vote is our heritage.

Not something you trade
for a leaky fountain pen

or a deviled egg.

Like Abraham Lincoln said,
you can fool some of the people

some of the time, but
men like Ben Hanks

can't go on fooling
the people forever.

He'll get his comeuppance.

This country has survived
hundreds of Ben Hanks.

And I, for one, would
never sell my vote.

- And neither will I.

(audience laughs)

- What is that?

- Oh, this was the
latest door prize.

(audience laughs)

("Green Acres
Theme" by Vic Mizzy)

This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.