Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 24 - The Old Trunk - full transcript
From inside an old trunk Eb found in the barn, Lisa begins reading the diary of Lydia Plunkett who, in 1898, becomes a traveling saleswoman for a corset company. Lydia falls in love with rival salesman Harry Wright, whose career falters as a result of her success. The two marry, she becomes president of the corset company, and unhappily tends house. He eventually tires of being a housewife and leaves her. As Lisa continues reading, Eb is entranced by the story, but Oliver scoffs at the soppy romance.
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye, city life
♪ Green Acres, we are there
(knocking on door)
- [Eb] Can I come in?
- Yes, come in.
- Look what I've got.
- Where'd you get that?
- I found it.
- Where?
- I don't remember.
- How could you find something
like that and not remember?
- As you know, I have a
habit of walking in my sleep,
and I must have walked last
night because when I woke up
this morning, the trunk
was in bed with me.
- The trunk was...
Eb, where did you find it?
- In the barn, underneath
a bunch of junk.
- Why didn't you say
so instead of telling me
that cock and bull story?
- Breakfast is almost...
Where did that come from?
- I woke up in bed
with it this morning.
- Will you stop?
- That happened
to my uncle once.
He woke up in bed with a trunk.
Or was it a drunk?
No, it was a trunk
with a drunk in it.
- Hey, maybe there's
a drunk in this one.
Shall I open it?
- Who does this belong to?
- Ain't it yours?
- No.
- It looks very, very old.
- I think we ought to open it.
Can I have your key?
- I don't have a
key, it's not my trunk.
- Aha.
You heard him say it, Mrs.
Douglas, it's not his trunk.
That's what he
said, it's not his trunk.
He said it's not my trunk.
That's what he said.
It ain't his.
- Eb, will you...
- I'm just trying to establish
that I found this trunk
and whatever is in
here belongs to me.
- No it doesn't.
You found this trunk
on my property, it's mine.
- What am I
entitled to, nothing?
- That sounds fair.
- Fair, how can you even...
- Look, let's just get it
open before we start fighting
over what's in it.
- Yes, sir.
Golly, stocks and bonds.
We're rich.
- Eb, will you...
- Ooh, this must be
worth a million dollars.
10,000 shares of
Cincinnati Citronella.
- And here's a $50,000
government bond issued
by Johnstown,
Pennsylvania, for flood control.
- This must be worth a fortune.
50,000 shares of Lawrence
of Arabia Saddle Company.
- Look at this.
One million shares of
Carstairs Corset Company.
- This is dated 1902.
These stocks and
bonds are worthless.
The companies
are out of business.
They're all defunct.
- How do you know?
Some of them may still be funct.
- I doubt it.
- Hey, look what I found.
A straitjacket.
- That's a corset.
- It is?
I'm blushing.
- Oh, Eb, is there
anything else in there?
- Just this.
- Eb, will you stop blowing it?
- It's a diary.
- Defuncted stocks and
bonds, a corset, and a diary.
Hmm, I wonder what it all means.
- Maybe the diary
will tell us something.
It looks like a
woman's handwriting.
Oh yes, here it is.
Her name is Lydia Plunkett.
- Lydia Plunkett?
It seems to me I
used to go out with her.
No, that was Sydney Plunkett.
No, it wasn't Plunkett,
it was O'Sullivan.
I wonder if they're related.
- What does it say?
- It says, "January 1, 1898.
"Good news, today I start work
"at the Carstairs Corset Company
as a traveling saleswoman."
- I didn't know they
had traveling salesladies
in those days.
- Hey, maybe that corset
was one of her samples.
- "January 2, today is
my first day on the road.
"I am writing this on
the train from Chicago
"to Beaver Hill, Nebraska.
"The train trip has
been very comfortable,
"except for those men
in the back of the coach."
- It's a rich old doozy.
- [Lisa] "I think they're all
traveling salesmen like me.
"Wouldn't they be surprised
to find out I was one of them?"
- Say Harry, what
line you in this year?
- Weldon's corsets.
- I hear Carstairs has a
hot shot corset salesman.
- He's wasting his time.
Harry Wright is the best
corset salesman in this country.
- But you couldn't sell her.
- I got a saw buck says I can.
- You've got a bet.
- Watch this.
Oh, excuse me, madam.
Does this belong to you?
- I beg your pardon?
- No offense, it's just
that all beautiful women
wear Weldon corsets.
- I don't.
I wear a Carstairs.
- A Carstairs?
That explains
those untidy bulges.
- This is my money band.
- May I sit down?
- If you wish.
- Miss...
- Plunkett, Lydia Plunkett.
- Miss Plunkett, my
name is Harry Wright.
I'm the traveling representative
of the Weldon Corset Company.
The only corset guaranteed
not to pinch, rub, or suffer
from whalebone fatigue.
- I never had any
trouble with my Carstairs.
- Miss Plunkett,
take my word for it.
There's no finer
foundation garment made.
Harry Wright
only sells the best.
- Who is he?
- That's me.
One of the best
salesmen in the country.
- I never met a traveling
salesman before.
- Then I take it you're
not a farmer's daughter.
- That's one of the
smoking car stories
and I like to point out to you
that this isn't a smoking car.
- Oh, well...
- But anyway, being
a traveling salesman
must be fascinating.
How do you do it?
- When I go into
a town, I line up all
the prospective
customers, call on them,
show them my samples,
and take their orders.
- It's as simple as that?
- Yes, for instance,
tomorrow in Beaver Hill,
I'm going to call on the
Genesee brothers at eight o'clock,
the Uptown Emporium at nine,
Wilson's Department Store at 10
and Fishwell's Dry Goods at 11.
What are you writing?
- I'm just making
some notes in my diary.
- Anyway, by noon tomorrow,
my order book will be filled.
- What happens if another
salesman gets to your appointments
ahead of you?
- Oh, nobody gets up
earlier in the morning
than Harry Wright.
Mr. Genesee, I can
always count on you
for a big order.
- Sorry, Harry, but the
Carstairs representative
was here a half an hour ago.
I bought all the
corsets I'll need.
- Well, maybe next time.
But Mr. Dabney, I've
been doing business
with the Uptown
Emporium for years.
- I'm sorry, Harry,
but you're a little late.
I gave the order to the
Carstairs company an hour ago.
Better luck next time.
- But Mr. Wilson, you knew
I'd be here at 10 o'clock.
Why didn't you wait for me
instead of buying from Carstairs?
- Oh, hello there, Mr. Wright.
- Hi.
- Do you mind if I sit down?
How did you do today?
- Not a single order.
That salesman from Carstairs
beat me out of every one
of my customers.
- That's too bad.
- I'll make up for
it in Prairieville.
- Who are you
going to see there?
- At nine o'clock,
Milton Ladies Wear.
10 o'clock, the Prairieville
Dry Goods Emporium,
and 11 o'clock, I'm
gonna get a really big order
from Wilson and Sons.
You could have looked at my line
before you bought
from Carstairs.
I'm sorry you did that.
I could have given you a
better price than Carstairs.
You'll be sorry you bought
those Carstairs corsets
when all the women
start returning them.
- [Lydia Voiceover] Dear
diary, what a wonderful month
this has been.
I have sold over
$5,000 worth of corsets
and I'm sure it will
continue that way
as long as I keep running
into that Harry Wright.
- Oh, hello there.
- Oh, hello there.
- Where are you headed for?
- That depends.
Where are you headed for?
- Nowhere.
I've been fired.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Yeah, whoever is
traveling for Carstairs
has been acing me
out of all my sales.
- Have you any idea who she is?
- No.
What do you mean, who she is?
- Did I say that?
- Yes.
- It was just a slip of the she.
- May I sit down?
I thought...
What are these?
- I don't know, what are they?
- These are Carstairs corsets.
Now I understand.
You're the one who...
- All is fair in love
and business.
- You Benedict Arnold!
I'll get even with you if
it's the last thing I ever do.
- Harry, Harry, come
back, Harry. (sobbing)
Dear diary, what have I done?
- I drove him away and I...
- Well, go on.
- I can't read
what it says here.
- [Eb] It looks like she
spilled water on the page.
- [Lisa] Those are teardrops.
- How do you know?
- A woman can tell those things.
- What does it say
on the next page?
- Look, Eb, we got work to do.
We can't sit
around here all day,
listening to this stupid diary.
- It isn't stupid.
These are the words
of a woman written
in her own handwriting
with her own tears.
- Oh boy.
- I want to hear the rest of it.
- Come on, later.
- Oliver, sometimes
I think there is
a little Harry Wright in you.
- Boy, I'm starved.
- Yeah.
Where's lunch?
- I forgot to make it.
I've been reading the diary.
- Oh for the love of...
- What happens
to Lydia and Harry?
- Oh, a big thing.
Lydia sold so many
corsets that they made her
the sales manager of the
Carstairs Corset Company.
- Sales manager, wowee.
- Yes, but all she
could think of was Harry.
She was in love with him.
- You got any of that
smelly cheese or anything?
- In back of the watermelon.
- What watermelon?
- That's right, I
forgot to make one.
- What about Harry Wright?
- He couldn't get
connected as a salesman
and it was almost a year
before Lydia ran into him again.
Harry was now in the
advertising business.
- Harry!
Harry, it's me, Lydia.
No, I'm Lydia.
Lydia Plunkett.
I've been looking
for you everywhere.
Yes, because I keep
thinking about you.
That's what I say,
let's get married.
That isn't where it hurts.
It hurts here in my heart.
It's not gas, Harry, it's love.
Harry, Harry,
speak to me, Harry.
Harry, Harry, it's me, Lydia.
- Beat it, you want to get
me fired from this job too?
- I'm sorry what I did.
I love you, let's get married.
- I wouldn't marry you if the...
Oh, there's my boss.
Act like a dummy, dummy.
- What do I do now?
- Take a pill.
Put it in your mouth.
Not the cotton,
the pill, take a pill.
- Uh oh.
- What's the matter?
- My finger is
stuck in the bottle.
(crowd laughing)
- Out!
- [Lydia Voiceover] Today,
Harry and I have been married
for four months.
What a glorious four
months they've been.
Everything is going
wonderfully for us.
I am now president of the
Carstairs Corset Company
and Harry is still
trying to find a job.
- [Harry] Lydia,
Lydia, I'm home.
I've got good news,
where are you?
- In the blue room.
- Lydia, I got a job.
- Harry, you joined the navy.
- No, I'm a conductor
on the 14th Street trolley.
Pays $6 a month.
It's poor work but it's honest.
Unless they check the fare box.
Now you can give up your job
and ride back and forth with
me all day long for nothing.
- Do you expect me to
give up a $25,000 a year job
just because you're
making $6 a month?
- But darling, it's
a man's job to work
and the woman's
job to stay at home,
take care of the
house, to have children.
- Who made up that rule?
With the money I'm making, it
would make much more sense
if you stay home,
take care of the house,
and have the children.
- I can't have children.
- You're a born loser.
It will be a much better
arrangement for both of us
if you stay home and
take care of the house.
It will give you
something to do.
- Yeah, but,
how much does the job pay?
- $30 a month.
- Ooh, well...
- And fringe benefits.
- Well.
- Please, Harry, I have a
board of directors meeting
in an hour.
Hello, hello, is this
the stockbroker?
This is Lydia Wright.
I want to buy 10,000 shares
of Cincinnati Citronella.
What do you think of the Lawrence
of Arabia Saddle Company?
Good, good, get me
50,000 shares of that.
What else do you
have to recommend?
Johnstown Flood Control bonds?
Are they safe?
They're not expecting
any rain, are they?
All right, buy me for $50,000.
Good, bye.
- Lydia.
- Harry, Harry, what
are you doing here?
It's wash day.
- I've done the laundry,
it's hanging on the line.
- What about the ironing?
- I'll do that when I get home.
I want to talk to you.
I never see you anymore
except to sew a button
on your skirt or
mend your blouse.
I want a wife.
- I know what to get
you for Christmas.
- Lydia, I can't go on this way.
Why don't you come home
early and we'll light a fire
and open a bottle
of champagne and...
- And what?
- It's been so
long, I've forgotten.
Will you, Lydia?
- Not tonight, I've got a
board of directors meeting.
But I can give you 10
minutes on Thursday at 6:30.
- You know I'm always
busy at 6:30, cooking dinner.
- I won't be home this Thursday.
I am having dinner
with the Carnegies.
- Why can't I go with you?
- Because you have such
atrocious table manners.
- Lydia.
- Harry, please, I've
got enough on my mind.
Business is bad,
sales are dropping,
corsets are falling off.
- Well maybe if you
put more strings on them
and tied them tighter.
- Harry, please,
please, there is one thing
I don't need, it's
a funny husband.
Go home.
- Just one question, Lydia.
- What?
- What'll I make
for dinner tonight?
- Harry, please.
Hello?
What?
They canceled the order?
That's the fifth
cancellation today.
Get our salesmen to work,
or Carstairs is in big trouble.
- Oh hi, honey.
I made your favorite
for dinner tonight.
- I'm not hungry.
- What, after I've spent
all afternoon in the kitchen,
slaving over a rump roast?
- Harry, please, do
you realize my company
is facing bankruptcy?
- Good, I hope
you do go bankrupt.
- What?
- Then I can take my rightful
place as the breadwinner.
I'm sick and tired
of doing housework.
I'm a man.
Or I was before you
took away my manhood.
- Harry, don't nag at me.
I've got to find some
way to save my company.
- And I have to find some
way to save our marriage.
The woman should never
wear the pants in the family.
- Harry, say that again.
- I said I have to
find some way to...
- Not that, the pants part.
- The woman should never
wear the pants in the family.
- Harry, you've done it.
- Done what?
- You saved my company.
- Oh.
- Harry, Harry, I'm home.
I brought you
flowers and bon bons.
Harry?
"Dear Lydia, I am leaving you.
"I was never meant
to be a housewife.
"You'll find all the grocery
bills in the sideboard.
"I made out a list
for the laundry man
"and I shut off the milk.
"Very truly yours,
Harry Wright."
Oh Harry, Harry, come back.
Where will I ever find
another maid like you?
- Golly, that's sad.
- Sad, that's sickening.
I never heard such tripe.
- That's because it
happened in real life.
And you know what they say.
Ruth is stranger than friction.
- Oh yeah, that Ruth was
always rubbing somebody
the wrong way.
Now may we have some lunch?
- Don't you want to
hear the end of it?
- Not particularly.
- I do.
- Look, Eb,
we've got a lot of...
- There's only a little
more to the story.
See, after Harry
left, Lydia lost interest
in the corset business
and before you know it,
she was bankrupt.
- What about Harry?
- What about lunch?
- Lydia looked
everywhere for Harry
but she didn't find him
until three years later.
He was back at doing the
thing he knew best, selling.
- All right, step
right up, folks
and I'll demonstrate the
greatest boon to housewives
since the sewing machine.
The little wizard
vegetable peeler.
Now this little instrument
not only peels potatoes,
slices tomatoes,
and dices carrots,
but it may be used to trim
sideburns or remove corns.
(noisy organ music)
During this demonstration,
the wizard vegetable peeler
will be sold not for
the usual price of $1,
not for 50 cents,
not for a quarter
but for one dime, the
tenth part of a dollar.
Will you get that
organ out of here?
Lydia.
- Harry.
- Get out of here, you
monkey faced baboon.
- That's no way
to talk to our son.
- Our son?
- I bought him after you left
because he looked
so much like you.
- He doesn't look like me.
- Harry, to think that I found
you after all these years.
Now we can start all over again.
- I want to get
one thing straight.
Who wears the pants?
- You do.
- Lydia.
- Harry.
- That's how they got
back together again.
And the last entry
in the diary says,
"Harry and I and the monkey
lived happily ever after."
How come you're not crying?
- I'm too weak.
I'm suffering from malnutrition.
It dries up the tear ducts.
- Boy, maybe those stocks
and bonds aren't worth anything,
but I'll bet some Hollywood
studio would pay us
a fortune to make a
movie of that diary.
- Yes, I can see
John Wayne as Harry.
- And Phyllis Diller as Lydia.
- Yeah, but who
could play the monkey?
- You really want
me to tell you?
Come on, we gotta
get back to work.
Let's get some lunch now.
- Lydia and Harry Wright?
- Yes, did you
ever hear of them?
- No, only Wrights I ever knew
were a couple of brothers.
But they built
themselves an airplane
and flew off someplace.
- You mean the Wright Brothers.
- Yeah, Orville and I forget
the other feller's name.
- But you never heard of
Lydia and Harry Wright?
- Come to think of it,
those names do sound
a little familiar.
Any reason why you're
asking about them?
- You see, we found
this old trunk in our barn.
- And it had a diary in it.
- Diary?
Did it also have
some stock certificates
and a corset in it?
- Yes.
- I've been hunting
for that old trunk
for more than two years.
Those were the props
we used in the Hooterville
little players' production of
Me, Harry, and the Monkey.
- So Ruth is
stranger than friction.
- I believe you mean
truth is stranger than fiction.
- Not in our house.
I'll send the trunk back later.
Come on, Lisa.
- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye, city life
♪ Green Acres, we are there
(knocking on door)
- [Eb] Can I come in?
- Yes, come in.
- Look what I've got.
- Where'd you get that?
- I found it.
- Where?
- I don't remember.
- How could you find something
like that and not remember?
- As you know, I have a
habit of walking in my sleep,
and I must have walked last
night because when I woke up
this morning, the trunk
was in bed with me.
- The trunk was...
Eb, where did you find it?
- In the barn, underneath
a bunch of junk.
- Why didn't you say
so instead of telling me
that cock and bull story?
- Breakfast is almost...
Where did that come from?
- I woke up in bed
with it this morning.
- Will you stop?
- That happened
to my uncle once.
He woke up in bed with a trunk.
Or was it a drunk?
No, it was a trunk
with a drunk in it.
- Hey, maybe there's
a drunk in this one.
Shall I open it?
- Who does this belong to?
- Ain't it yours?
- No.
- It looks very, very old.
- I think we ought to open it.
Can I have your key?
- I don't have a
key, it's not my trunk.
- Aha.
You heard him say it, Mrs.
Douglas, it's not his trunk.
That's what he
said, it's not his trunk.
He said it's not my trunk.
That's what he said.
It ain't his.
- Eb, will you...
- I'm just trying to establish
that I found this trunk
and whatever is in
here belongs to me.
- No it doesn't.
You found this trunk
on my property, it's mine.
- What am I
entitled to, nothing?
- That sounds fair.
- Fair, how can you even...
- Look, let's just get it
open before we start fighting
over what's in it.
- Yes, sir.
Golly, stocks and bonds.
We're rich.
- Eb, will you...
- Ooh, this must be
worth a million dollars.
10,000 shares of
Cincinnati Citronella.
- And here's a $50,000
government bond issued
by Johnstown,
Pennsylvania, for flood control.
- This must be worth a fortune.
50,000 shares of Lawrence
of Arabia Saddle Company.
- Look at this.
One million shares of
Carstairs Corset Company.
- This is dated 1902.
These stocks and
bonds are worthless.
The companies
are out of business.
They're all defunct.
- How do you know?
Some of them may still be funct.
- I doubt it.
- Hey, look what I found.
A straitjacket.
- That's a corset.
- It is?
I'm blushing.
- Oh, Eb, is there
anything else in there?
- Just this.
- Eb, will you stop blowing it?
- It's a diary.
- Defuncted stocks and
bonds, a corset, and a diary.
Hmm, I wonder what it all means.
- Maybe the diary
will tell us something.
It looks like a
woman's handwriting.
Oh yes, here it is.
Her name is Lydia Plunkett.
- Lydia Plunkett?
It seems to me I
used to go out with her.
No, that was Sydney Plunkett.
No, it wasn't Plunkett,
it was O'Sullivan.
I wonder if they're related.
- What does it say?
- It says, "January 1, 1898.
"Good news, today I start work
"at the Carstairs Corset Company
as a traveling saleswoman."
- I didn't know they
had traveling salesladies
in those days.
- Hey, maybe that corset
was one of her samples.
- "January 2, today is
my first day on the road.
"I am writing this on
the train from Chicago
"to Beaver Hill, Nebraska.
"The train trip has
been very comfortable,
"except for those men
in the back of the coach."
- It's a rich old doozy.
- [Lisa] "I think they're all
traveling salesmen like me.
"Wouldn't they be surprised
to find out I was one of them?"
- Say Harry, what
line you in this year?
- Weldon's corsets.
- I hear Carstairs has a
hot shot corset salesman.
- He's wasting his time.
Harry Wright is the best
corset salesman in this country.
- But you couldn't sell her.
- I got a saw buck says I can.
- You've got a bet.
- Watch this.
Oh, excuse me, madam.
Does this belong to you?
- I beg your pardon?
- No offense, it's just
that all beautiful women
wear Weldon corsets.
- I don't.
I wear a Carstairs.
- A Carstairs?
That explains
those untidy bulges.
- This is my money band.
- May I sit down?
- If you wish.
- Miss...
- Plunkett, Lydia Plunkett.
- Miss Plunkett, my
name is Harry Wright.
I'm the traveling representative
of the Weldon Corset Company.
The only corset guaranteed
not to pinch, rub, or suffer
from whalebone fatigue.
- I never had any
trouble with my Carstairs.
- Miss Plunkett,
take my word for it.
There's no finer
foundation garment made.
Harry Wright
only sells the best.
- Who is he?
- That's me.
One of the best
salesmen in the country.
- I never met a traveling
salesman before.
- Then I take it you're
not a farmer's daughter.
- That's one of the
smoking car stories
and I like to point out to you
that this isn't a smoking car.
- Oh, well...
- But anyway, being
a traveling salesman
must be fascinating.
How do you do it?
- When I go into
a town, I line up all
the prospective
customers, call on them,
show them my samples,
and take their orders.
- It's as simple as that?
- Yes, for instance,
tomorrow in Beaver Hill,
I'm going to call on the
Genesee brothers at eight o'clock,
the Uptown Emporium at nine,
Wilson's Department Store at 10
and Fishwell's Dry Goods at 11.
What are you writing?
- I'm just making
some notes in my diary.
- Anyway, by noon tomorrow,
my order book will be filled.
- What happens if another
salesman gets to your appointments
ahead of you?
- Oh, nobody gets up
earlier in the morning
than Harry Wright.
Mr. Genesee, I can
always count on you
for a big order.
- Sorry, Harry, but the
Carstairs representative
was here a half an hour ago.
I bought all the
corsets I'll need.
- Well, maybe next time.
But Mr. Dabney, I've
been doing business
with the Uptown
Emporium for years.
- I'm sorry, Harry,
but you're a little late.
I gave the order to the
Carstairs company an hour ago.
Better luck next time.
- But Mr. Wilson, you knew
I'd be here at 10 o'clock.
Why didn't you wait for me
instead of buying from Carstairs?
- Oh, hello there, Mr. Wright.
- Hi.
- Do you mind if I sit down?
How did you do today?
- Not a single order.
That salesman from Carstairs
beat me out of every one
of my customers.
- That's too bad.
- I'll make up for
it in Prairieville.
- Who are you
going to see there?
- At nine o'clock,
Milton Ladies Wear.
10 o'clock, the Prairieville
Dry Goods Emporium,
and 11 o'clock, I'm
gonna get a really big order
from Wilson and Sons.
You could have looked at my line
before you bought
from Carstairs.
I'm sorry you did that.
I could have given you a
better price than Carstairs.
You'll be sorry you bought
those Carstairs corsets
when all the women
start returning them.
- [Lydia Voiceover] Dear
diary, what a wonderful month
this has been.
I have sold over
$5,000 worth of corsets
and I'm sure it will
continue that way
as long as I keep running
into that Harry Wright.
- Oh, hello there.
- Oh, hello there.
- Where are you headed for?
- That depends.
Where are you headed for?
- Nowhere.
I've been fired.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Yeah, whoever is
traveling for Carstairs
has been acing me
out of all my sales.
- Have you any idea who she is?
- No.
What do you mean, who she is?
- Did I say that?
- Yes.
- It was just a slip of the she.
- May I sit down?
I thought...
What are these?
- I don't know, what are they?
- These are Carstairs corsets.
Now I understand.
You're the one who...
- All is fair in love
and business.
- You Benedict Arnold!
I'll get even with you if
it's the last thing I ever do.
- Harry, Harry, come
back, Harry. (sobbing)
Dear diary, what have I done?
- I drove him away and I...
- Well, go on.
- I can't read
what it says here.
- [Eb] It looks like she
spilled water on the page.
- [Lisa] Those are teardrops.
- How do you know?
- A woman can tell those things.
- What does it say
on the next page?
- Look, Eb, we got work to do.
We can't sit
around here all day,
listening to this stupid diary.
- It isn't stupid.
These are the words
of a woman written
in her own handwriting
with her own tears.
- Oh boy.
- I want to hear the rest of it.
- Come on, later.
- Oliver, sometimes
I think there is
a little Harry Wright in you.
- Boy, I'm starved.
- Yeah.
Where's lunch?
- I forgot to make it.
I've been reading the diary.
- Oh for the love of...
- What happens
to Lydia and Harry?
- Oh, a big thing.
Lydia sold so many
corsets that they made her
the sales manager of the
Carstairs Corset Company.
- Sales manager, wowee.
- Yes, but all she
could think of was Harry.
She was in love with him.
- You got any of that
smelly cheese or anything?
- In back of the watermelon.
- What watermelon?
- That's right, I
forgot to make one.
- What about Harry Wright?
- He couldn't get
connected as a salesman
and it was almost a year
before Lydia ran into him again.
Harry was now in the
advertising business.
- Harry!
Harry, it's me, Lydia.
No, I'm Lydia.
Lydia Plunkett.
I've been looking
for you everywhere.
Yes, because I keep
thinking about you.
That's what I say,
let's get married.
That isn't where it hurts.
It hurts here in my heart.
It's not gas, Harry, it's love.
Harry, Harry,
speak to me, Harry.
Harry, Harry, it's me, Lydia.
- Beat it, you want to get
me fired from this job too?
- I'm sorry what I did.
I love you, let's get married.
- I wouldn't marry you if the...
Oh, there's my boss.
Act like a dummy, dummy.
- What do I do now?
- Take a pill.
Put it in your mouth.
Not the cotton,
the pill, take a pill.
- Uh oh.
- What's the matter?
- My finger is
stuck in the bottle.
(crowd laughing)
- Out!
- [Lydia Voiceover] Today,
Harry and I have been married
for four months.
What a glorious four
months they've been.
Everything is going
wonderfully for us.
I am now president of the
Carstairs Corset Company
and Harry is still
trying to find a job.
- [Harry] Lydia,
Lydia, I'm home.
I've got good news,
where are you?
- In the blue room.
- Lydia, I got a job.
- Harry, you joined the navy.
- No, I'm a conductor
on the 14th Street trolley.
Pays $6 a month.
It's poor work but it's honest.
Unless they check the fare box.
Now you can give up your job
and ride back and forth with
me all day long for nothing.
- Do you expect me to
give up a $25,000 a year job
just because you're
making $6 a month?
- But darling, it's
a man's job to work
and the woman's
job to stay at home,
take care of the
house, to have children.
- Who made up that rule?
With the money I'm making, it
would make much more sense
if you stay home,
take care of the house,
and have the children.
- I can't have children.
- You're a born loser.
It will be a much better
arrangement for both of us
if you stay home and
take care of the house.
It will give you
something to do.
- Yeah, but,
how much does the job pay?
- $30 a month.
- Ooh, well...
- And fringe benefits.
- Well.
- Please, Harry, I have a
board of directors meeting
in an hour.
Hello, hello, is this
the stockbroker?
This is Lydia Wright.
I want to buy 10,000 shares
of Cincinnati Citronella.
What do you think of the Lawrence
of Arabia Saddle Company?
Good, good, get me
50,000 shares of that.
What else do you
have to recommend?
Johnstown Flood Control bonds?
Are they safe?
They're not expecting
any rain, are they?
All right, buy me for $50,000.
Good, bye.
- Lydia.
- Harry, Harry, what
are you doing here?
It's wash day.
- I've done the laundry,
it's hanging on the line.
- What about the ironing?
- I'll do that when I get home.
I want to talk to you.
I never see you anymore
except to sew a button
on your skirt or
mend your blouse.
I want a wife.
- I know what to get
you for Christmas.
- Lydia, I can't go on this way.
Why don't you come home
early and we'll light a fire
and open a bottle
of champagne and...
- And what?
- It's been so
long, I've forgotten.
Will you, Lydia?
- Not tonight, I've got a
board of directors meeting.
But I can give you 10
minutes on Thursday at 6:30.
- You know I'm always
busy at 6:30, cooking dinner.
- I won't be home this Thursday.
I am having dinner
with the Carnegies.
- Why can't I go with you?
- Because you have such
atrocious table manners.
- Lydia.
- Harry, please, I've
got enough on my mind.
Business is bad,
sales are dropping,
corsets are falling off.
- Well maybe if you
put more strings on them
and tied them tighter.
- Harry, please,
please, there is one thing
I don't need, it's
a funny husband.
Go home.
- Just one question, Lydia.
- What?
- What'll I make
for dinner tonight?
- Harry, please.
Hello?
What?
They canceled the order?
That's the fifth
cancellation today.
Get our salesmen to work,
or Carstairs is in big trouble.
- Oh hi, honey.
I made your favorite
for dinner tonight.
- I'm not hungry.
- What, after I've spent
all afternoon in the kitchen,
slaving over a rump roast?
- Harry, please, do
you realize my company
is facing bankruptcy?
- Good, I hope
you do go bankrupt.
- What?
- Then I can take my rightful
place as the breadwinner.
I'm sick and tired
of doing housework.
I'm a man.
Or I was before you
took away my manhood.
- Harry, don't nag at me.
I've got to find some
way to save my company.
- And I have to find some
way to save our marriage.
The woman should never
wear the pants in the family.
- Harry, say that again.
- I said I have to
find some way to...
- Not that, the pants part.
- The woman should never
wear the pants in the family.
- Harry, you've done it.
- Done what?
- You saved my company.
- Oh.
- Harry, Harry, I'm home.
I brought you
flowers and bon bons.
Harry?
"Dear Lydia, I am leaving you.
"I was never meant
to be a housewife.
"You'll find all the grocery
bills in the sideboard.
"I made out a list
for the laundry man
"and I shut off the milk.
"Very truly yours,
Harry Wright."
Oh Harry, Harry, come back.
Where will I ever find
another maid like you?
- Golly, that's sad.
- Sad, that's sickening.
I never heard such tripe.
- That's because it
happened in real life.
And you know what they say.
Ruth is stranger than friction.
- Oh yeah, that Ruth was
always rubbing somebody
the wrong way.
Now may we have some lunch?
- Don't you want to
hear the end of it?
- Not particularly.
- I do.
- Look, Eb,
we've got a lot of...
- There's only a little
more to the story.
See, after Harry
left, Lydia lost interest
in the corset business
and before you know it,
she was bankrupt.
- What about Harry?
- What about lunch?
- Lydia looked
everywhere for Harry
but she didn't find him
until three years later.
He was back at doing the
thing he knew best, selling.
- All right, step
right up, folks
and I'll demonstrate the
greatest boon to housewives
since the sewing machine.
The little wizard
vegetable peeler.
Now this little instrument
not only peels potatoes,
slices tomatoes,
and dices carrots,
but it may be used to trim
sideburns or remove corns.
(noisy organ music)
During this demonstration,
the wizard vegetable peeler
will be sold not for
the usual price of $1,
not for 50 cents,
not for a quarter
but for one dime, the
tenth part of a dollar.
Will you get that
organ out of here?
Lydia.
- Harry.
- Get out of here, you
monkey faced baboon.
- That's no way
to talk to our son.
- Our son?
- I bought him after you left
because he looked
so much like you.
- He doesn't look like me.
- Harry, to think that I found
you after all these years.
Now we can start all over again.
- I want to get
one thing straight.
Who wears the pants?
- You do.
- Lydia.
- Harry.
- That's how they got
back together again.
And the last entry
in the diary says,
"Harry and I and the monkey
lived happily ever after."
How come you're not crying?
- I'm too weak.
I'm suffering from malnutrition.
It dries up the tear ducts.
- Boy, maybe those stocks
and bonds aren't worth anything,
but I'll bet some Hollywood
studio would pay us
a fortune to make a
movie of that diary.
- Yes, I can see
John Wayne as Harry.
- And Phyllis Diller as Lydia.
- Yeah, but who
could play the monkey?
- You really want
me to tell you?
Come on, we gotta
get back to work.
Let's get some lunch now.
- Lydia and Harry Wright?
- Yes, did you
ever hear of them?
- No, only Wrights I ever knew
were a couple of brothers.
But they built
themselves an airplane
and flew off someplace.
- You mean the Wright Brothers.
- Yeah, Orville and I forget
the other feller's name.
- But you never heard of
Lydia and Harry Wright?
- Come to think of it,
those names do sound
a little familiar.
Any reason why you're
asking about them?
- You see, we found
this old trunk in our barn.
- And it had a diary in it.
- Diary?
Did it also have
some stock certificates
and a corset in it?
- Yes.
- I've been hunting
for that old trunk
for more than two years.
Those were the props
we used in the Hooterville
little players' production of
Me, Harry, and the Monkey.
- So Ruth is
stranger than friction.
- I believe you mean
truth is stranger than fiction.
- Not in our house.
I'll send the trunk back later.
Come on, Lisa.
- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.