Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 21 - A Hunting We Won't Go - full transcript

(country music)

♪ Green Acres
is the place to be.

♪ Farm living
is the life for me.

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide.

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside.

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay.

♪ I get allergic smelling hay.

♪ I just adore a penthouse view.

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue.

♪ The chores.

♪ The stores.



♪ Fresh air.

♪ Times Square
♪ You are my wife.

♪ Good bye, city life.

♪ Green Acres we are there.

- And I'm very sad.

Don't eat so fast, you're
going to get heartburn.

- Lisa, did you...

Where did she come from?

- Oh this is my friend Clarissa.

Clarissa, this is my husband.

- How do you do?

(audience laughing)

- She's been coming
here for breakfast

for the past three days.



- I guess in this cold
weather it's kind of hard

for her to find food.

- Oh you don't
know the half of it.

She was telling me
that she has such a...

- She was telling you?

- Well not in the
words of the silly verse.

She paws her foot once
for yes and twice for no.

Isn't that right Clarissa?

That means yes.

- Uh look, may I
ask you a question?

Not you, I'm talking to her.

(audience laughing)

- Oh isn't she beautiful?

You know, she's
much too young looking

to be the mother
of three children.

- She has three children?

- She brought them over
yesterday for breakfast.

Oh they're such nice children;

they have perfect table manners.

- Well I'm glad to know...

- Oh it's a wonderful family.

The only sad part is
that they don't know

what happened to the father.

- They don't?

(audience laughing)

- That means no.

- She doesn't have much
of a vocabulary does she?

- Oliver, what do you
suppose could have happened

to the father?

(gun booming)

What was that?

- That sounded
like a rifle shot.

- Who is shoosting?

(audience laughing)

- Oh that's probably
Eb practicing up

for the hunting season.

- What is he going to hunt for?

- Well uh...

- Oliver, do you mean
that he would shoo...

Shoost a deer?

(audience laughing)

- Some people uh...
- Would you shoost one?

- Me?

(audience laughing)

What are you talking about?

I don't even have a gun.

- Oliver.

(gun booming)

- I better go talk to Eb.

- Eb.

- Dog gone Mr. Douglas,
now you made me miss.

- Look, Eb...
- I had a perfect score.

Two splits, a quart
and a magnesia.

(audience laughing)

- A magnum.

- Oh, well anyway they
all came from that party

you had last New Years.

Boy, that was a real booze-end.

- It wasn't a...
- Watch this.

- That was full.

- It ain't now.

(audience laughing)

- Eb, will ya put that gun away?

- I gotta get in
some practice before

the deer season
opens next Tuesday.

Jiminy Crock-oh-watts.

It's gonna be the best
season we ever had.

There are millions
of deer around.

- Do you have to talk about it?

- Sure, Hooterville's
got the best hunting

in the whole state.

- Mrs. Douglas
doesn't like the idea

of people hunting.

- What is she gonna
say when she finds out

you and me are
in the Deer Derby?

If we shoot the
biggest deer, we'll win.

(audience laughing)

- She doesn't have
to know about that.

- What about the gun you ordered

from Mr. Drucker?

Does Mrs. Douglas
have to know about that?

She...
- Doesn't know about what?

- Mr. Douglas ordered a...
- Quiet

- Oh that's right, you
don't want her to know

about the .30-30.

- Quiet.

- What is a 30-30 quiet?

- I don't know,
it must be a rifle

with a silencer on it.

(audience laughing)

- Jiminy Crock-oh-watts.

- Oliver, did you order a rifle?

- Why would I do that?

- So you could
win the Deer Derby.

(audience laughing)

- What's a deer derby?

- He means a beer
derby, don't you Eb?

- Oh, yeah.

You fill up your derby with beer

and then you go hunting.

(audience laughing)

- Of all the...

- Oliver, are you
going to go hunting?

- Paw the ground once for yes,

and twice for no.

(audience laughing)

- Why don't you
go to your chores?

It's more fun standing
here watching you sweat.

(audience laughing)

- Oliver, you haven't
answered my question.

- Oh, what question was that?

- About going hunting.

- Eb, I don't need
any help from you.

- Well you didn't remember
what the question was.

- Beat it.

(audience laughing)

- Well?

- Uh, well I better go
help Eb with the chores.

I'll see you later.

(audience laughing)

♪♪♪

Lisa, you don't have
to come with me.

- What are you trying
to hide from me?

- Nothing.

Why don't you wait in the car?

- It's cold.

Hello there Mr. Drucker.

- Oh hi, I was just
warming my head muff.

(audience laughing)

Seems like the older
I get, the colder I get.

My blood must be getting thin.

- Couldn't you take
something for thin blood?

- Like what?

- Well don't they
have fat blood pills?

(audience laughing)

- No they...
- Oh I used to carry them,

Fanny Farkwar's Fat Blood Pills.

They came in a
heart-shaped green bottle.

Guaranteed to fatten
up the thinnest blood.

- How could they...

- She also had
fat blood thinner.

But she don't make either
one of them anymore.

- I'm glad to hear it.

- She specialized in
cold-weather medicines.

One of the most popular was her

Chill-blain Elixir.

It was 90% alcohol.

Sold a lot of that
during prohibition.

(audience laughing)

- I can well imagine.

Now look
Mr. Drucker, could we...

Fanny also made
a great cough syrup.

If you mixed it with
the Chill-blain elixir,

it made the best
sour-mash bourbon

you ever tasted.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, well...

- A lot of the
fellas used to add

Fanny Farkwar's
nose drops to a pint

of olive oil.

Made a nice thick martini.

(audience laughing)

- That sounds a little...

- It was very big favorite
among deer hunters.

Oh say, that reminds
me Mr. Douglas.

Remember you
ordered that brand new...

- Wait...

- I just wanted you to
know I got your .30-30.

- Later.

- Oliver, you ordered
a gun, didn't you?

- Oh he sure did...

- She's not talking to you.

(audience laughing)

- You're going to go
hunting aren't you?

- Well...

- Oh he sure is,
he was the first one

to sign up for the Deer Derby.

- No, no.

I signed up for the Beer Derby.

(audience laughing)

- The what?

- The Beer Derby, you know.

Where you fill up
your derby with beer.

And the one who
drinks the most wins.

- No, no, you signed
up for the Deer Derby.

(audience laughing)

- I did huh?

How could I have
made a mistake like that?

- Easy, because you're a fink.

(audience laughing)

- Lisa.

- Murderer.

- Look, will ya...
- Killer.

- Lisa, there's nothing
wrong with hunting.

Tell her Mr. Drucker.

- Oh no no, it's a great sport.

I've been hunting for years.

- Now I know what happened
to Clarissa's husband,

you shoosted him.

(audience laughing)

- Me?

No no, I didn't uh...

- Left her a widow
with three children.

(audience laughing)

- No, no I...

- No wonder your
blood is so thin, it has to

run through such a hard heart.

- Lisa, will you
leave Mr. Drucker...

- You'll get it, and you better

stop the hunting season.

- He can't stop the
hunting season, it's legal.

- Oh yes ma'am, even
the governor comes here

every year to do his hunting.

He'll be here Tuesday
to help open the season.

- And I am going
to be here Tuesday

to help closing it.

- Lisa.

- Dog gone, she
sure is riled up.

- She'll calm down.

- I won't calm down,
I think it's terrible

for a grown man to
shoost such a poor

defenseless animal.

- Lisa, what is this?

- A minks coat.

- No I mean, what
is is mink coat?

- Well it's cheaper than
a saber, and it's more

expensive than a...

- I mean where did it come from?

- Saks Fifth Avenue.

(audience laughing)

- What I meant was,
where do minks come from?

- Other minks.

(audience laughing)

- Oh boy.

- Lisa, at one time
this coat was a bunch of

happy little minks
running around playing,

carefree.

And then one morning you woke up

and you said, "Oliver,
I vant a minks coat."

- I said that at night.

(audience laughing)

- Well what diff...

- I remember we
had a fight and I said,

"Unless you buy me a minks coat,

I'm going to invite
my mother to come

and live with us."

(audience laughing)

- That isn't important,
the point I'm trying

to make is that I
went into the store,

and I said, "I wanna
buy my wife a mink coat."

And somebody had to go
out and shoot little minks

so they could sew them together

and make this coat for you.

And that makes you an accessory.

- I never got any accessories.

(audience laughing)

- Look, if it's alright
to shoot a mink

for a coat, then
why isn't it alright

to shoot a deer?

- Do you want my mother
to come and live with us?

- No.

- Then don't let me catch
you shoosting any deer.

(audience laughing)

- Will you just
come along with me?

- Where are we going to go?

- I want you to look
at my tomatoes.

- Why?

- You say deer are beautiful
defenseless animals.

I want to show you the
damage they've done

to my tomato plants.

Look at what your deer did.

Trampled all the plants.

- How do you know
the deer did that?

- Look at the hoof prints.

- Well, how do you
know they're not Eb's?

(audience laughing)

- Oh, Eb's hoof prints...

Or his footprints...

That was done by a deer.

- It's cold.

- Here, here.

Look at all the
tomatoes they crushed.

- Mr. Douglas, I uh...

Say, that's pretty clever.

Growing crushed tomatoes.

- Well I didn't...
- A lot of farmers...

Well not a lot of farmers...

Some farmers wait
till they pick them

before they crush them.

(audience laughing)

- These were crushed by deer.

- You trained them to do that?

(audience laughing)

Boy that's a clever
way to save labor cost.

(audience laughing)

Do you mind if I
mention it in my report

to the department?

- Mr. Kimball, did
a deer do that?

- Well it's possible that uh...

What's a deer-do?

(audience laughing)

- Well it's a beautiful
animal with big ears

and sad eyes.

- Oh, the North
American Deer-do.

(audience laughing)

- Yes, they are
very destructive.

They uh...

A deer-do huh?

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Kimball, my
husband said that deers

are very destructive.

- Well, there's a lot
of truth in what he...

Well, not a lot of truth.

But there is a basis...

What did he say again?

(audience laughing)

- I said the deer
do a lot of damage.

- At whom?

(audience laughing)

- Crops, forests, plants.

- Oh yes, deer are the
most destructive of all.

Well not the most destructive.

Well you don't
know the half of it.

- You don't know any of it.

(audience laughing)

- Well I do know that
deer are pretty bad.

They burrow under the ground and

eat the roots off
and... No, that's a mole.

(audience laughing)

No, that's a mole.

(audience laughing)

No, that's a wart.

No, that's a piece
of chicken liver

I had for lunch.

(audience laughing)

- Whether they are
destructive or not,

do you think it's right
to shoost a deer?

- Well there are two
ways of looking at it.

On one hand there's
the moral question.

On the other had

There's still some
chicken liver.

(audience laughing)

Well now that I have
answered your question,

I gotta run back to the office.

I'm expecting a call.

No, I got that before I left.

Or was that yesterday?

Well, it doesn't
make any difference,

my phone's out of order.

(audience laughing)

- Well, are you still
going to go hunting?

- Yeah, as soon as the
hunting season opens.

- Maybe it won't.

(harmonica music)

- [Brian] You want
me to get you what?

- A conjunction.

- A con...

- You know, when
somebody does something,

and you want to stop
it, you conjunct them.

(audience laughing)

- Oh you mean injunct
them; an injunction.

- Alright, if that will do it,

I'll take one of those.

Where do you keep them?

- I don't...

You have to go to
court and get the judge

and get the judge to issue one.

- Let's go.

- Well just a second
Mrs. Douglas,

there are a few things
I have to know first.

- Like what?

- Well for one thing,
who do you want

this injunction issued against?

- Well, my husband,
Mr. Drucker, Eb Dawson...

Do you hunt?

- Yes.

- Put your name down.

(audience laughing)

- What are you trying to stop?

- Deer hunting.

- I don't think it's
possible to get

an injunction for that.

- How long have you
been practicing law?

- Just a little over a month.

- Well, I've been
married to a lawyer

for over ten years.

So I think I know more
about law than you do.

(audience laughing)

- I don't think there's
any legal way to...

- How about illegal?

- I cant advise you
to do anything illegal.

- Well, then what would
you advise me to do?

- Well I'm afraid
I can't help you.

- I should have known
that anybody who's partners

with my husband
is a fellow fink.

(audience laughing)

- I'm not...

Look Mrs. Douglas, there's a law

in the books permitting hunting.

Now if you want
to change that law,

what you should do
is get a petition signed

by enough people
who agree with you,

and present it to
your state senator.

- Will that work?

- I don't know.

- Well if it doesn't,
don't send me a bill.

(audience laughing)

- Oh hello Brian.

- Mr. Douglas, I
thought I'd better tell you,

your wife was just in to see me.

- What about?

- She wanted me to
get her an injunction

to stop the hunting season.

- Oh boy.

(audience laughing)

- I advised her to
get up a petition,

present it to our state senator.

I hope I did the right thing.

- Oh fine, yeah.

It will keep her
out of mischief.

She'll be lucky if she
gets one signature.

(pig snorts)

- Hello there Arnold,
is your father home?

(pig snorts)

- Would you tell him I'm here?

(pig snorts)

- No, Arnold I've told
you I don't wanna buy no...

Oh it's you Mrs. Douglas.

Arnold said it was
the fertilizer salesman.

(audience laughing)

(pig snorts)

A fine sense of humor you got.

(audience laughing)

Would you come in?

- No no no, thank
you Mr. Ziffel.

I want you to sign something.

- Sign what?

- I want you to put
your name right here.

- Well I never sign
anything unless I read it.

The last time I did, I
woke up married to Doris.

(audience laughing)

No, this is a
petition to do away

with deer hunting.

- But I don't wanna do
away with deer hunting.

- Oh well Mr. Ziffel,
if you would

only read the reasons.

- Well let's see what they are.

Now what did I do
with my spectacles?

Arnold, will you lend me
your eyeglasses please?

(audience laughing)

- Arnold wears glasses?

- He just ruined his
eyes watching TV.

(audience laughing)

Thank you.

Let's see now.

- There we are.

- You sure got strong glasses.

(audience laughing)

Let's see now what this says.

I think that deer hunting
should be abolished

for the following reasons.

Uh-huh...

Uh-huh...

(audience laughing)

Uh-huh.

Mrs. Douglas, you sure
got powerful reasons.

I'd be glad to sign that. ♪♪♪

- Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh hello there Mr. Haney.

- Dog gone you look
as pretty as a catfish

with it's nose up
against the dam.

(audience laughing)

- Why thank you Mr. Haney,
the reason I came over

is because...

- Is because you heard
about my big spring sale.

- Spring sale?

- Yes ma'am.

All springs are reduced 50%.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Haney, I didn't
come over here

to buy anything.

I want you to sign a petition

to stop deer hunting.

- Mrs. Douglas,
I'd like to oblige,

but deer hunting
happens to be one of my

favorite sports.

- Oh Mr. Haney if
you would just read

the petition, and
you'll see the reasons.

- Well I don't think that I...

- Oh please would
you just read it?

- Alright.

- I believe that deer
hunting should be abolished

for the following reasons.

It is bad, it is unnecessary,

it is unfair to the deer,

and it is cruel
to kill anything...

Mrs. Douglas, them
is some of the most

convincing reasons
that I have ever read.

I'll be happy to sign it.

(audience laughing)

- Mrs. Douglas, I ain't signing

any petition
against deer hunting.

- Well if you'd
just read it please.

- I'm busy, I've
got a lot to do.

The governor's coming
in and a four o'clock

run to the Cannonball.

- Well a lot of
people signed it.

- They have?

- Yes, it won't
take you a minute,

if you would just
read it please.

- Alright I'll read it,
but I ain't signing it.

I believe that deer
hunting should be abolished

for the following reasons...

Oh, I'll sign it.

(audience laughing)

- Eb, have you
seen Mrs. Douglas?

- She went to the station
to meet the governor

and show him her petition.

- How many signatures
does she have, two?

- 300.

- 300?

- When she sets her
mind to doing something,

she does it.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I'll be a...

- Don't forget fellas,
you signed the petition.

Now don't change your mind.

- [Crowd] No ma'am.

- Lisa...

- Look who we've got here,
doubting Danny Thomas.

You said I couldn't
get one signature,

I got 300 of them.

- Lisa, there are only 28 people

in the whole valley.

- Well some of them
signed eight times.

(audience laughing)

- See there's the governor.

(audience cheers)

- Well folks, thank
you thank you.

I can't tell you how happy I am

to get away from
all those crackpots

at the state capitol,

and come here to Hooterville

to do some deer hunting.

- Well you can go right
back to the crackpots

because there isn't going to be

any deer hunting here.

- Who said that?

- I did.

I've got a petition here signed

with 300 names
that we don't want

any deer hunting.

Isn't that right fellas?

- [crowd] That's right.

- I thought you fellas wanted...

- May I see that please?

- Yes.

- I believe that deer
hunting should be abolished

for the following reasons.

It is bad.

- Well that's childish.

- It is unnecessary.

- That's clever.

- It is cruel to kill anything.

And for signing this,
Mr. Douglas agrees

to give me $100.

- Now there's a stu...
(audience laughing)

$100?

- Mr. Douglas don't you realize

that it is illegal to
solicit signatures

by offering money for them?

- Governor I didn't,
it was my wife

who collected the signatures.

- Well if I wasn't
into good humor,

I'd have both of
you thrown in the jail.

- I'd like to see you try it.

- What?

- Lisa, Governor, my
wife is a little upset.

- I'm here for a
little relaxation,

so we'll just forget
this whole incident.

And as governor of this state,

I declare that the
hunting season

will officially open
tomorrow morning

at sunrise.

- You're nothing but a...

(audience laughing)

- Come on Carrie Nation.

- I don't want to go.

- It's the best thing.

- I'm a failure.

- You're not a failure.

- The deer were counting on me

and I let them down.

- You tried.

You didn't use
too much intell...

(audience laughing)

You tried.

- Why are you trying to shove me

off to New York?

- It's for your own good.

If hunting upsets you so much,

it's better if
you're not around.

- You're right.

But there's just one more
thing I could've done...

- Lisa, Lisa.

Take my advice, go.

- If you promise not
to shoost anything.

- I promise.

- Alright then I'll go.

- I'll drive you to the
airport in the morning,

you can catch the first plane.

- Well who's going to
take care of Clarissa?

- Oh I don't think...
- I'll tell you what.

Eb will drive me
and you stay here

and take care of her.

- Well she doesn't need...

- Now one second please.

Clarissa.

Clarissa, clarissa.

Come on darling.

(audience laughing)

You do good girl, come on.

Clarissa come over here sweetie,

such a good girl.

My husband is going
to take care of you

so you won't get shoosted.

Oliver, shouldn't you
hide her under the bed?

- How can I hide...

- And if any of your
friends show up,

you tell them that my
husband is going to

take care of them, right?

(audience laughing)

And another thing...

- Lisa, you'd better get to bed.

The plane leaves very
early in the morning.

(harmonica music)

- I've been waiting all
year for this moment.

- You wont' be
disappointed Governor,

you'd never seen so many deer.

- Governor, are you
sure Mr. Douglas

don't have to pay me that $100?

- Oh for crying out loud Haney...
- Shh.

- That's a beauty, you
get first shot Governor.

- Oh thank you, thank you.

- [Lisa] Watch it, he's
going to shoost you.

- Who was that?

- The hunting season has opened.

Everybody run for your life.

(audience laughing)

The hunting season has opened.

Head to the hills.

That's it, keep running.

- Who is that?

Is that that woman...

- Yes Governor, that's
the welcher's wife.

- Call out the National
Guard and have

that plane shot down.

- Calm down Governor.

- Oh that blasted woman.

She's ruined the hunting season.

(audience laughing)

- What?

Oh that's impossible
Mr. Drucker,

she's not even in town.

She went to the
airport this morning

and took a plane...
(airplane flying)

Oh no.

Oh she couldn't have
done a thing like that.

- [Lisa] Oliver.

- What the...
- [Lisa] Up here.

- I am not a failure.

Tell Clarissa I warned
all her friends in time.

- Lisa, will you...
(audience laughing)

- We've taken
care of Hootersville,

head for Crepe Corners
and we'll take care

of their deer.

Attention all Crepe
Corners deer,

the hunting season has started.

Run for your life.

- Oh for...

- [Lisa] The hunting
season has opened,

run for your life, run.

(theme song music)

- [Lisa] This has been A
Filmways presentation darling.