Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 20 - Retreat from Washington - full transcript
With the Douglases in Washington, the "Haney Farm Mindin' Service" leases out their house (for $4 a day) to a couple with six children. Meanwhile in D.C., Lisa and Eb go to the White House to have unannounced lunch with the president, Kimball causes chaos for the Secretary of Agriculture, and Arnold causes problems in a laundromat. Oliver calls an early end to their trip, forcing Haney to quickly evict the tenants who were secretly leasing the Douglas farmhouse.
(whimsical music)
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me.
♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores!
♪ The stores!
♪ Fresh air!
♪ Times Square!
♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye city life!
♪ Green Acres, we are there
- Good morning, Eleanor.
Just part of the Haney
Farm Minding service.
Now then, what will
ya have for breakfast?
Alfalfa, Timothy, or oats?
(cow moos)
Alfalfa, it is.
(audience laughs)
Sure hope you'll
tell Mr. Douglas what
a good job I'm doing
taking care of you
while he's in Washington.
(phone rings)
- Hello?
- Good morning,
Mr. Kimball, it's 4:00 a.m.,
time to get up!
- I'm not Mr. Kimball,
he's in the next room.
- Sorry, go back to sleep.
(phone rings)
(Arnold oinks)
- Mr. Kimball, 4:00
a.m., time to get up.
(Arnold oinks)
- Mr. Kimball?
(Arnold oinks)
- Arnold, who are you callin'?
Hello?
- Mr. Kimball?
- No, this is Eb Dawson.
Just a minute.
Mr. Kimball?
- Yes?
- Mr. Kimball?
- Yes?
- There's a call for ya.
- Oh.
Hello?
- Mr. Kimball?
- Hi, yes?
Who's this?
- It's 4:00 a.m.
- Oh, how are you Ms. A.M.?
(audience laughs)
- No.
You left a call for four.
- I did?
What time is it now?
- It's 4:00 a.m.!
- Oh, thank you!
It's 4:00, we better get up.
We're going sight seein'.
A lot of things to
see here in, uh,
where are we again?
(audience laughs)
- Washington!
- Oh, yeah, Washington.
What are we doing here?
- We came for the
YPAS convention,
only we were a week late.
- How'd that happen?
- You got the dates mixed up!
- With what?
- With...
- Well, I'm going
to take a shower.
(audience laughs)
- I'll go wake the Douglases.
(knocks on door)
- [Eb] Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas!
- What's the matter?
- Don't you want
to go sightseein'?
- (annoyed sigh) You go!
- What?
- You go!
- Who's Hugo?
(audience laughs)
- I'm talking to Eb.
- And why are you
calling him Hugo?
(audience laughs)
- I didn't, he
wants us to get up
and go sightseeing
and I says 'You go.'
- Oh?
Who is Hugo?
(audience laughs)
- (mumbling) Oh for.
- Good morning!
I'm glad to see you're up.
- How can anybody sleep with
you hammering on the door?
- Don't you want
to go sightseein'?
- No, I told you, you go.
- Now why do you
keep calling him that?
(audience laughs)
- I meant... (knocks on door)
Oh, Arnold, what do you want?
- Mr. Kimball is taking a shower
and I guess Arnold
wants to use yours.
- No, I'm sorry
but... (door closes)
Arnold, no, no.
Hey, Arnold, come here!
Oh, how could he lock the door?!
(audience laughs)
Arnold, you're not
taking a shower
in my, come on out of there!
(shower runs)
This can't be happening.
(audience laughs)
- What do you say?
Are you going sightseein'?
- Well, we might as well,
as long as we are here.
- Great.
I'll go get dressed.
Oh, uh, what suit should I wear?
- Well, uh, how many
did you bring with you?
- One.
(audience laughs)
- Well, then, why did you ask...
- It's reversible.
On one side it's a business suit
and then you turn it inside out
and it's a cocktail dress.
But with pants.
(audience laughs)
- Uh, just get dressed.
- Yes, sir.
- Are you going to call
room service for breakfast?
- No, I'm going to
call Mr. Drucker,
see how things are
going on the farm.
- At your service, Mr. Kimball.
- No, this is Mr. Douglas.
- Oh, are you still in
Mr. Kimball's room?
- No, this is my room.
- Sorry, excuse the ring.
- Hello?
Hello?
- Say hello to
Mr. Drucker for me.
- I haven't got him yet.
- Who are you talking to then?
- The operator.
- Oh, well then, say
hello to her for me.
(audience laughs)
- Hello?
- Thank you.
- Hello, operator?
(Arnold oinks)
- Oh, Arnold's
finished his shower.
- You stupid pig.
- I beg your pardon!
- Hello?
- Who are saying hello to now?
- Nobody.
- Well, no wonder you
don't get any answer.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, why bother?
I'll call him later.
- Well, are we all going
sightseeing today?
- All except Arnold.
- Where's he going?
- To look for a laundromat.
- Well, what will we do?
- I'd like to take
me a boat ride
up the Hudson River.
- Hey, that would be fine,
except the Hudson River
happens to be in New York.
- Oh?
What river do they have here?
- The Potomac.
- Oh, are we in Chicago?
- No, we're...
- What are you
going to do, Oliver?
- What time do the bars open?
- Well, I think I'll
do some shopping
and then I drop in
at the White House
and have lunch
with the President.
- Yes, why don't you do that?
- You want to
come along, Oliver.
- No, I hear the
food isn't so good.
- Oh.
Eb, would you like to have lunch
with the President?
- Golly, dinglefoot.
Could I?!
- Lisa, you don't just drop in
on the President.
- Well, he invited me!
- When did he do that?
- Mr. Kimball, would
you like to come
and have lunch
with the President?
- I'd like to, but
I'd better check in
with the Department
of Agriculture.
They kind of expect it
of their county agents
when they're in, uh,
where are we again?
- What time did you
say the bar's open?
(audience laughs)
- Well, if you don't
want to come to lunch
with the President, we will.
Come along, Eb.
- Well, I'm off to the
Department of Agriculture.
Want to come along with me?
- No, no, I have a few
things that I have to do.
I want to call
Hooterville and see if
Haney's keeping
an eye on my farm.
- Oh, well, I wouldn't worry.
One thing about Haney,
he may not be too honest,
but you certainly
can't trust him.
(audience laughs)
- What?
- Oh, I'm sure he's
taking care of your place
just as if it were his own.
(wacky music)
(kids shout)
- You kids keep quiet!
Keep quiet 'til I
talk to the man.
Howdy, you the
proprietor of this here
Green Acres Inn?
- No, I am your
host and innkeeper,
Eustace Haney.
(audience laughs)
- My name's Walter Hokum
and this is my wife Minnie.
- How you do?
- Howdy.
- We saw your signs
all along the road
and just followed
the green arrows
right on up here.
- How can I be of service to ya?
- Well, we're looking
for a place to stay
for a couple of days.
- You got a reservation?
- No.
- No reservation, huh?
Well that might
make it a little difficult,
this being the tourist season.
- Well then what you
got that sign up there fer?
Housekeepin' cabin available.
- Oh, you want the
deluxe accommodation!
- Don't look too deluxe to me.
- Oh it does to me Walt,
we ain't slept in a bed
in three nights.
- Yeah, we're tired!
(kids complain)
- Quiet!
How much you charge?
- How many in your party?
- Just me, ma, and the six kids.
- Eight people, huh?
Well, I guess I
can let you have a
flat rate of 60 dollars a night.
- Move over, ma.
- Well, now, of course, now,
I can make you a better rate
if you ain't plannin' on
using our swimming pool
or tennis court.
- We don't need those.
- Then shall we say
30 dollars a night?
- Too much.
- You won't be taking
in our dinner dance
or playing any golf, will ya?
- Nope.
- Then shall we
say four dollars?
- We'll take it.
Okay, kids, we're stayin' here.
(kids cheer)
- Good morning.
- Oh, just a minute, sir.
- Oh, that's quite alright.
I'm on the team.
A county agent, I
just came in to chat
with the big boy.
- He has someone with him now.
- Oh.
Anybody important?
- The Secretary of Labor.
- Oh.
How long has the
secretary been in labor?
(laughs)
Remember that joke,
probably read it in
Drew Pearson's column.
(audience laughs)
- May I have your name please?
- Oh, certainly.
Well, it's not certainly.
It's Kimball.
- Could I have your first name?
- Of course.
Well, it's not of
course, it's Hank.
Well, not Hank, it's Henry.
- Henry?
- Right.
Well, it's not Henry
Right, it's Henry Kimball.
Would you like to
know my middle name?
- It's not necessary.
- Yes, it is.
Henry Necessary Kimball.
Or is it Narcissus?
No, that was my uncle's name.
- Would you have a seat please?
- Oh, thank ya.
Well!
Secretary's plate
looks a little dingy.
Doesn't give the farmers
a feeling of confidence
to see that the Secretary
of Agriculture has a, um.
- Will you?!
- Who's the fella
with the shiny noise?
- That was the Secretary!
- Oh boy.
I better go in and apologize.
- [Secretary] Oof!
Why, you, what's
the meaning of this?!
- Well, uh, nice
chatting with you, sir,
and, uh, if you're
ever in Albuquerque,
be sure to look me up.
The name is, uh, Dooley Higgins.
- Hello, dear.
I'm Lisa Douglas.
- Lisa Douglas?
- That's right.
And this is Eb Dawson.
- Uh, I'm sorry, but I don't
have your names here
on the President's
appointment list.
- That's right, we
want to surprise him.
Come along, lad.
- Hold on, just a moment, lady.
You can't go in there
without an appointment.
Uh, why don't you call
the President's secretary?
- What kind of a White
House are you running here?
- I beg your pardon?
- Why, the President told
me that whenever I'm in
the neighborhood, to drop
in and have lunch with him.
Come along, Eb.
- Lady, it isn't the
President, it's his cook.
You see, he gets a
little annoyed when
people show up unexpectedly.
- He doesn't
have to fuss for us.
We'll take potluck.
- Yeah, nothing fancy,
just plain homecookin'.
Hot jiles and chitlins.
- What's that?
- Well, hot jiles are...
- Say, if you two are hungry,
there's a nice cafeteria
right across the street.
- Thank you, but we're
going to have lunch
with the President.
Come on, Eb.
- Hold it.
- We're going to be late!
- Yeah, and we'll tell
you it was your fault,
that you weren't very
civil with your service.
(audience laughs)
- Why don't you two get
a couple of picket signs
and go across the
street there and walk up
and down, the air
will do you some good.
- We are going to go in
and have lunch
with the President!
Come on, Eb.
- Uh, lady?
Sergeant, red alert.
(alarm bell rings)
- Will you tell me once more
exactly what happened?
- Well, they had this policeman
at the gate of the White House
and I told him, we
were there to have lunch
with the President and
that started a big argument!
- Not as big as the
one we had inside
with the Marine captain.
- I don't think that
was as bad as the one
with the Secret Service.
(audience laughs)
- We would have won
that one if they hadn't
brought in the FBI.
- Look, how is it you
didn't have any trouble
with the Army?
- We woulda, but they
couldn't get the tanks started.
(audience laughs)
- Oh brother.
Look, Lisa, you
just don't walk in
and expect to have
lunch with the President.
- Why not?
He invited me.
- When?
- Four years ago when I
was here with your mother
for the President's
inaugurative ball.
- Inauguration ball.
- Anyway, while I
was dancing with him,
the President said, whenever
you are in Washington,
honey, you be sure to
drop in at the White House
and have lunch with me.
So I dropped.
- (chuckles) Lisa,
don't you realize...
- Anyway, the fellow I
danced with doesn't work
in the White House anymore.
They've got a new
fellow working there.
- Naturally, we had an election.
There's a new President.
- Nobody told me that.
- You voted!
- Not for President.
They don't allow us
to vote for a big office
like that in Hooterville.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, you.
Well, look, I'll see
what I can do about
getting you out of here.
- While you're at it, see
what you can do for me.
- What the?!
What are you in for?
- Well, for one
thing, shining the
Secretary of Agriculture's nose.
(audience laughs)
- What?!
- Then I walked through
the glass door of his office
and, after that, oh boy.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I ought to
be able to get you off
with a plea of
temporary insanity.
Well, not temporary.
- Can you get my friend off too?
(audience laughs)
- What did he do?
- Well, he had a little trouble.
Well, it wasn't
a little trouble,
it was a lot of trouble
at the laundromat
when he tried to
wash his clothes.
- The owner said he
didn't want any pigs' clothes
in his machine and
that made Arnold mad.
- Yes, so he bit all the
hoses off the machines.
- Things like this
just don't happen!
Alright, I'll see what
I can do for all of you
and if and when I
get you out of here,
we're packing up and
going back to the farm
and enjoy the peace and quiet!
(children shout)
- How do I look, ma?
- Oh, beautiful.
If you wasn't standin'
up, I'd swear you was
Cousin Philbert laid out.
(audience laughs)
Well, which one of
these shall I wear today?
- Wear that imitation possum.
Doggone, this is
the best equipped
housekeepin' cabin
we ever rented.
It's got everything!
(children shout)
What's going on out there?
- Quiet is stuck in the chimney.
- Well, pull him on it.
- [Kid] I'm tryin' to!
- Doggone that kid,
he's always gettin' stuck
somewhere.
Did you get him out?
- Just part of him.
(audience laughs)
- Don't this kind of remind you
of our honeymoon?
- Kinda, 'cept we
didn't have as many kids
with us on that.
(audience laughs)
- I sure wish we
could stay here.
- Got a surprise for you, ma.
I just paid that Mr. Haney
for another week.
- Oh, pa!
- There you are, Haney.
Two pounds of gumdrops.
That'll be 20 cents.
- Any discount for cash?
- 20 dollars?
Where'd you get all that money?
- The farm mindin'
business is very profitable.
Oh, hello, Mr. Douglas!
- If anybody answers
that I'm in big trouble.
- Hi, there, Mr. Drucker.
- I'm in big trouble.
- Oh, hello, Mr. Haney.
- I, uh, believe you
have the advantage
of me, stranger.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Haney?
- When do you
folks get back home?
- Uh, about an hour ago.
- We just stopped
here on the way from
the Apple to buy some groceries.
- Oh, well, Haney said
you were going to be
in Washington
another week, didn't ya?
Where'd he go?
(knocks on door)
- Mr. Haney.
- Uh, Mr. Hokum, I
just dropped by to tell ya
that your week is up.
Check out time
was half an hour ago.
(audience laughs)
- What are you talking about?
I just paid you this
morning for a week.
- I'm sorry, but the
people that had the prior
reservation, they're
on the way here.
Now you'll have to leave.
- Well, we don't want to leave.
- Well, normally I wouldn't
impose on you like this,
but this is a special case.
You see, this couple
spent their honeymoon here
a year ago and now she
wants to come back here
to have the baby.
You can understand that.
- Oh, well, uh.
- Good, now thank you.
You just get all
the folks together,
get 'em in the car.
- Well, we gotta get packed up.
Take us about half an hour.
- Half an hour, well, I
guess I can stall them
that long.
- Just a minute.
What about that week's
rent I paid ya in advance?
- Oh, that's right.
Now let's see, that's
four dollars a day
for seven days.
That's, uh, 18 dollars.
- That's, uh, 28 dollars.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, you're right.
I gave you 10 dollars too much.
(audience laughs)
- You owe me 10.
- Oh, yeah.
There you are.
Now don't forget, a half hour.
- Mr. Haney, would you...
- Sorry, road's closed.
- What happened?
(audience laughs)
- What bridge?
- The one they built while
you was in Washington.
- We were only gone three days!
- Just long enough
for it to get built
and washed away.
(audience laughs)
Now you'll have to detour.
Go back to Hooterville,
then around through
Crabwell Corners, and
then north through Pixley.
It shouldn't take ya
more than half an hour.
- Mr. Haney, would
you please get your truck
out of the road?
We're going this way.
- Very well, I sure
hope you make it
with that leaky gas tank.
(audience laughs)
- Leaky gas tank?
(engine revs)
Mr. Haney!
Oh, for.
- What was that all about?
- Oh, I don't know.
Mr. Haney's trying to
stall us for some reason.
- What reason?
- Something must have
happened at the farm.
(car honks)
- [Oliver] What now?!
- I'm sorry, but I'll
have to ask you all
to get out of the
car for inspection.
- Why do we have to have
our agriculture inspected?
- Look, we don't have to...
- It's a state law.
Anybody being out
of the state for more
than 24 hours has
to be inspected.
It's the only way we
can protect our crops
from the Brazilian tick worm.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Haney, will you?!
- Now I have to ask
you a few questions.
Are you carrying
any rubber plants?
- No, sir!
- You don't have to...
- Are you bringing
in any imitation
potty-divey?
- No, we haven't got any.
- Lisa, he doesn't
have any authority to...
- Mr. Douglas, I'm
afraid I'll have to ask you
to take your clothes off.
- What?!
- Them little boogers
hide everywhere.
- Mr. Haney, what
are you up to?!
Is there something
wrong at our farm?
- Not now, there ain't.
You may proceed.
- Well, move your
truck out of the way!
- That'll be six dollars.
- For what?
- The inspection.
- (shouting) Move it!
- Well, the house looks alright.
Not alright, but the
way it always look.
- Very strange.
Eb, take a look in the barn.
See if the cow is still there.
- Yes, sir.
- Haney must have
had some reason
for trying to stall us.
Oh!
- Well, you can't blame
Mr. Haney for that.
- I know.
- That always happen.
- I know.
- From the day we moved in.
- I know.
- Then you can't blame
Mr. Haney for that.
- I'm not blaming him!
- Well that always happen too.
- There doesn't
seem to be anything
wrong in here.
I wonder how the living room is?
- Well this seems to
be, uh, (door knocks)
who's this?
- Howdy!
- Uh.
- Hate to intrude on ya in
your moment of birth, ma'am.
(audience laughs)
- In our moment of...?
- This gonna be
your first, ma'am?
- My first what?
- Baby.
- Oh yes, I think so.
(audience laughs)
- Look, Mr. Um.
- I'll be out of your
way in a minute.
Come on down out of there, son.
Oh, look at ya.
Scat!
- What was he
doing in the fireplace?
- Well, we packed in
such a hurry, we forgot him.
We've got six of them, ma'am.
It's easy to lose
track of one of them.
- Oh, well, the same thing
used to happen in our family.
My father always walked
off without one of us.
Mostly my mother.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa!
- Well, I sure hate
to leave this motel.
- Motel?
- Oh, by the way,
the closets are just full
of purty clothes.
And Mr. Haney told us
to feel free to wear 'em.
- You were wearing...
- One more thing,
don't let that Haney
stick you for more
than four dollars a night
unless you play golf.
- Four dollars?
- Well, so long.
Sure hope it's a girl,
ma'am, so she'll be
as pretty as you.
- Thank you.
- Of all the,
do you realize what Haney did?
He rented this
house for four dollars
and he gave them
permission to wear.
Where are you going?
- To get into bed.
And you better get the doctor.
- Oh, what's the matter?
- Well, you heard
what the man said.
I'm going to have a baby!
(audience laughs)
(shimsical music)
- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me.
♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores!
♪ The stores!
♪ Fresh air!
♪ Times Square!
♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye city life!
♪ Green Acres, we are there
- Good morning, Eleanor.
Just part of the Haney
Farm Minding service.
Now then, what will
ya have for breakfast?
Alfalfa, Timothy, or oats?
(cow moos)
Alfalfa, it is.
(audience laughs)
Sure hope you'll
tell Mr. Douglas what
a good job I'm doing
taking care of you
while he's in Washington.
(phone rings)
- Hello?
- Good morning,
Mr. Kimball, it's 4:00 a.m.,
time to get up!
- I'm not Mr. Kimball,
he's in the next room.
- Sorry, go back to sleep.
(phone rings)
(Arnold oinks)
- Mr. Kimball, 4:00
a.m., time to get up.
(Arnold oinks)
- Mr. Kimball?
(Arnold oinks)
- Arnold, who are you callin'?
Hello?
- Mr. Kimball?
- No, this is Eb Dawson.
Just a minute.
Mr. Kimball?
- Yes?
- Mr. Kimball?
- Yes?
- There's a call for ya.
- Oh.
Hello?
- Mr. Kimball?
- Hi, yes?
Who's this?
- It's 4:00 a.m.
- Oh, how are you Ms. A.M.?
(audience laughs)
- No.
You left a call for four.
- I did?
What time is it now?
- It's 4:00 a.m.!
- Oh, thank you!
It's 4:00, we better get up.
We're going sight seein'.
A lot of things to
see here in, uh,
where are we again?
(audience laughs)
- Washington!
- Oh, yeah, Washington.
What are we doing here?
- We came for the
YPAS convention,
only we were a week late.
- How'd that happen?
- You got the dates mixed up!
- With what?
- With...
- Well, I'm going
to take a shower.
(audience laughs)
- I'll go wake the Douglases.
(knocks on door)
- [Eb] Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas!
- What's the matter?
- Don't you want
to go sightseein'?
- (annoyed sigh) You go!
- What?
- You go!
- Who's Hugo?
(audience laughs)
- I'm talking to Eb.
- And why are you
calling him Hugo?
(audience laughs)
- I didn't, he
wants us to get up
and go sightseeing
and I says 'You go.'
- Oh?
Who is Hugo?
(audience laughs)
- (mumbling) Oh for.
- Good morning!
I'm glad to see you're up.
- How can anybody sleep with
you hammering on the door?
- Don't you want
to go sightseein'?
- No, I told you, you go.
- Now why do you
keep calling him that?
(audience laughs)
- I meant... (knocks on door)
Oh, Arnold, what do you want?
- Mr. Kimball is taking a shower
and I guess Arnold
wants to use yours.
- No, I'm sorry
but... (door closes)
Arnold, no, no.
Hey, Arnold, come here!
Oh, how could he lock the door?!
(audience laughs)
Arnold, you're not
taking a shower
in my, come on out of there!
(shower runs)
This can't be happening.
(audience laughs)
- What do you say?
Are you going sightseein'?
- Well, we might as well,
as long as we are here.
- Great.
I'll go get dressed.
Oh, uh, what suit should I wear?
- Well, uh, how many
did you bring with you?
- One.
(audience laughs)
- Well, then, why did you ask...
- It's reversible.
On one side it's a business suit
and then you turn it inside out
and it's a cocktail dress.
But with pants.
(audience laughs)
- Uh, just get dressed.
- Yes, sir.
- Are you going to call
room service for breakfast?
- No, I'm going to
call Mr. Drucker,
see how things are
going on the farm.
- At your service, Mr. Kimball.
- No, this is Mr. Douglas.
- Oh, are you still in
Mr. Kimball's room?
- No, this is my room.
- Sorry, excuse the ring.
- Hello?
Hello?
- Say hello to
Mr. Drucker for me.
- I haven't got him yet.
- Who are you talking to then?
- The operator.
- Oh, well then, say
hello to her for me.
(audience laughs)
- Hello?
- Thank you.
- Hello, operator?
(Arnold oinks)
- Oh, Arnold's
finished his shower.
- You stupid pig.
- I beg your pardon!
- Hello?
- Who are saying hello to now?
- Nobody.
- Well, no wonder you
don't get any answer.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, why bother?
I'll call him later.
- Well, are we all going
sightseeing today?
- All except Arnold.
- Where's he going?
- To look for a laundromat.
- Well, what will we do?
- I'd like to take
me a boat ride
up the Hudson River.
- Hey, that would be fine,
except the Hudson River
happens to be in New York.
- Oh?
What river do they have here?
- The Potomac.
- Oh, are we in Chicago?
- No, we're...
- What are you
going to do, Oliver?
- What time do the bars open?
- Well, I think I'll
do some shopping
and then I drop in
at the White House
and have lunch
with the President.
- Yes, why don't you do that?
- You want to
come along, Oliver.
- No, I hear the
food isn't so good.
- Oh.
Eb, would you like to have lunch
with the President?
- Golly, dinglefoot.
Could I?!
- Lisa, you don't just drop in
on the President.
- Well, he invited me!
- When did he do that?
- Mr. Kimball, would
you like to come
and have lunch
with the President?
- I'd like to, but
I'd better check in
with the Department
of Agriculture.
They kind of expect it
of their county agents
when they're in, uh,
where are we again?
- What time did you
say the bar's open?
(audience laughs)
- Well, if you don't
want to come to lunch
with the President, we will.
Come along, Eb.
- Well, I'm off to the
Department of Agriculture.
Want to come along with me?
- No, no, I have a few
things that I have to do.
I want to call
Hooterville and see if
Haney's keeping
an eye on my farm.
- Oh, well, I wouldn't worry.
One thing about Haney,
he may not be too honest,
but you certainly
can't trust him.
(audience laughs)
- What?
- Oh, I'm sure he's
taking care of your place
just as if it were his own.
(wacky music)
(kids shout)
- You kids keep quiet!
Keep quiet 'til I
talk to the man.
Howdy, you the
proprietor of this here
Green Acres Inn?
- No, I am your
host and innkeeper,
Eustace Haney.
(audience laughs)
- My name's Walter Hokum
and this is my wife Minnie.
- How you do?
- Howdy.
- We saw your signs
all along the road
and just followed
the green arrows
right on up here.
- How can I be of service to ya?
- Well, we're looking
for a place to stay
for a couple of days.
- You got a reservation?
- No.
- No reservation, huh?
Well that might
make it a little difficult,
this being the tourist season.
- Well then what you
got that sign up there fer?
Housekeepin' cabin available.
- Oh, you want the
deluxe accommodation!
- Don't look too deluxe to me.
- Oh it does to me Walt,
we ain't slept in a bed
in three nights.
- Yeah, we're tired!
(kids complain)
- Quiet!
How much you charge?
- How many in your party?
- Just me, ma, and the six kids.
- Eight people, huh?
Well, I guess I
can let you have a
flat rate of 60 dollars a night.
- Move over, ma.
- Well, now, of course, now,
I can make you a better rate
if you ain't plannin' on
using our swimming pool
or tennis court.
- We don't need those.
- Then shall we say
30 dollars a night?
- Too much.
- You won't be taking
in our dinner dance
or playing any golf, will ya?
- Nope.
- Then shall we
say four dollars?
- We'll take it.
Okay, kids, we're stayin' here.
(kids cheer)
- Good morning.
- Oh, just a minute, sir.
- Oh, that's quite alright.
I'm on the team.
A county agent, I
just came in to chat
with the big boy.
- He has someone with him now.
- Oh.
Anybody important?
- The Secretary of Labor.
- Oh.
How long has the
secretary been in labor?
(laughs)
Remember that joke,
probably read it in
Drew Pearson's column.
(audience laughs)
- May I have your name please?
- Oh, certainly.
Well, it's not certainly.
It's Kimball.
- Could I have your first name?
- Of course.
Well, it's not of
course, it's Hank.
Well, not Hank, it's Henry.
- Henry?
- Right.
Well, it's not Henry
Right, it's Henry Kimball.
Would you like to
know my middle name?
- It's not necessary.
- Yes, it is.
Henry Necessary Kimball.
Or is it Narcissus?
No, that was my uncle's name.
- Would you have a seat please?
- Oh, thank ya.
Well!
Secretary's plate
looks a little dingy.
Doesn't give the farmers
a feeling of confidence
to see that the Secretary
of Agriculture has a, um.
- Will you?!
- Who's the fella
with the shiny noise?
- That was the Secretary!
- Oh boy.
I better go in and apologize.
- [Secretary] Oof!
Why, you, what's
the meaning of this?!
- Well, uh, nice
chatting with you, sir,
and, uh, if you're
ever in Albuquerque,
be sure to look me up.
The name is, uh, Dooley Higgins.
- Hello, dear.
I'm Lisa Douglas.
- Lisa Douglas?
- That's right.
And this is Eb Dawson.
- Uh, I'm sorry, but I don't
have your names here
on the President's
appointment list.
- That's right, we
want to surprise him.
Come along, lad.
- Hold on, just a moment, lady.
You can't go in there
without an appointment.
Uh, why don't you call
the President's secretary?
- What kind of a White
House are you running here?
- I beg your pardon?
- Why, the President told
me that whenever I'm in
the neighborhood, to drop
in and have lunch with him.
Come along, Eb.
- Lady, it isn't the
President, it's his cook.
You see, he gets a
little annoyed when
people show up unexpectedly.
- He doesn't
have to fuss for us.
We'll take potluck.
- Yeah, nothing fancy,
just plain homecookin'.
Hot jiles and chitlins.
- What's that?
- Well, hot jiles are...
- Say, if you two are hungry,
there's a nice cafeteria
right across the street.
- Thank you, but we're
going to have lunch
with the President.
Come on, Eb.
- Hold it.
- We're going to be late!
- Yeah, and we'll tell
you it was your fault,
that you weren't very
civil with your service.
(audience laughs)
- Why don't you two get
a couple of picket signs
and go across the
street there and walk up
and down, the air
will do you some good.
- We are going to go in
and have lunch
with the President!
Come on, Eb.
- Uh, lady?
Sergeant, red alert.
(alarm bell rings)
- Will you tell me once more
exactly what happened?
- Well, they had this policeman
at the gate of the White House
and I told him, we
were there to have lunch
with the President and
that started a big argument!
- Not as big as the
one we had inside
with the Marine captain.
- I don't think that
was as bad as the one
with the Secret Service.
(audience laughs)
- We would have won
that one if they hadn't
brought in the FBI.
- Look, how is it you
didn't have any trouble
with the Army?
- We woulda, but they
couldn't get the tanks started.
(audience laughs)
- Oh brother.
Look, Lisa, you
just don't walk in
and expect to have
lunch with the President.
- Why not?
He invited me.
- When?
- Four years ago when I
was here with your mother
for the President's
inaugurative ball.
- Inauguration ball.
- Anyway, while I
was dancing with him,
the President said, whenever
you are in Washington,
honey, you be sure to
drop in at the White House
and have lunch with me.
So I dropped.
- (chuckles) Lisa,
don't you realize...
- Anyway, the fellow I
danced with doesn't work
in the White House anymore.
They've got a new
fellow working there.
- Naturally, we had an election.
There's a new President.
- Nobody told me that.
- You voted!
- Not for President.
They don't allow us
to vote for a big office
like that in Hooterville.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, you.
Well, look, I'll see
what I can do about
getting you out of here.
- While you're at it, see
what you can do for me.
- What the?!
What are you in for?
- Well, for one
thing, shining the
Secretary of Agriculture's nose.
(audience laughs)
- What?!
- Then I walked through
the glass door of his office
and, after that, oh boy.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I ought to
be able to get you off
with a plea of
temporary insanity.
Well, not temporary.
- Can you get my friend off too?
(audience laughs)
- What did he do?
- Well, he had a little trouble.
Well, it wasn't
a little trouble,
it was a lot of trouble
at the laundromat
when he tried to
wash his clothes.
- The owner said he
didn't want any pigs' clothes
in his machine and
that made Arnold mad.
- Yes, so he bit all the
hoses off the machines.
- Things like this
just don't happen!
Alright, I'll see what
I can do for all of you
and if and when I
get you out of here,
we're packing up and
going back to the farm
and enjoy the peace and quiet!
(children shout)
- How do I look, ma?
- Oh, beautiful.
If you wasn't standin'
up, I'd swear you was
Cousin Philbert laid out.
(audience laughs)
Well, which one of
these shall I wear today?
- Wear that imitation possum.
Doggone, this is
the best equipped
housekeepin' cabin
we ever rented.
It's got everything!
(children shout)
What's going on out there?
- Quiet is stuck in the chimney.
- Well, pull him on it.
- [Kid] I'm tryin' to!
- Doggone that kid,
he's always gettin' stuck
somewhere.
Did you get him out?
- Just part of him.
(audience laughs)
- Don't this kind of remind you
of our honeymoon?
- Kinda, 'cept we
didn't have as many kids
with us on that.
(audience laughs)
- I sure wish we
could stay here.
- Got a surprise for you, ma.
I just paid that Mr. Haney
for another week.
- Oh, pa!
- There you are, Haney.
Two pounds of gumdrops.
That'll be 20 cents.
- Any discount for cash?
- 20 dollars?
Where'd you get all that money?
- The farm mindin'
business is very profitable.
Oh, hello, Mr. Douglas!
- If anybody answers
that I'm in big trouble.
- Hi, there, Mr. Drucker.
- I'm in big trouble.
- Oh, hello, Mr. Haney.
- I, uh, believe you
have the advantage
of me, stranger.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Haney?
- When do you
folks get back home?
- Uh, about an hour ago.
- We just stopped
here on the way from
the Apple to buy some groceries.
- Oh, well, Haney said
you were going to be
in Washington
another week, didn't ya?
Where'd he go?
(knocks on door)
- Mr. Haney.
- Uh, Mr. Hokum, I
just dropped by to tell ya
that your week is up.
Check out time
was half an hour ago.
(audience laughs)
- What are you talking about?
I just paid you this
morning for a week.
- I'm sorry, but the
people that had the prior
reservation, they're
on the way here.
Now you'll have to leave.
- Well, we don't want to leave.
- Well, normally I wouldn't
impose on you like this,
but this is a special case.
You see, this couple
spent their honeymoon here
a year ago and now she
wants to come back here
to have the baby.
You can understand that.
- Oh, well, uh.
- Good, now thank you.
You just get all
the folks together,
get 'em in the car.
- Well, we gotta get packed up.
Take us about half an hour.
- Half an hour, well, I
guess I can stall them
that long.
- Just a minute.
What about that week's
rent I paid ya in advance?
- Oh, that's right.
Now let's see, that's
four dollars a day
for seven days.
That's, uh, 18 dollars.
- That's, uh, 28 dollars.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, you're right.
I gave you 10 dollars too much.
(audience laughs)
- You owe me 10.
- Oh, yeah.
There you are.
Now don't forget, a half hour.
- Mr. Haney, would you...
- Sorry, road's closed.
- What happened?
(audience laughs)
- What bridge?
- The one they built while
you was in Washington.
- We were only gone three days!
- Just long enough
for it to get built
and washed away.
(audience laughs)
Now you'll have to detour.
Go back to Hooterville,
then around through
Crabwell Corners, and
then north through Pixley.
It shouldn't take ya
more than half an hour.
- Mr. Haney, would
you please get your truck
out of the road?
We're going this way.
- Very well, I sure
hope you make it
with that leaky gas tank.
(audience laughs)
- Leaky gas tank?
(engine revs)
Mr. Haney!
Oh, for.
- What was that all about?
- Oh, I don't know.
Mr. Haney's trying to
stall us for some reason.
- What reason?
- Something must have
happened at the farm.
(car honks)
- [Oliver] What now?!
- I'm sorry, but I'll
have to ask you all
to get out of the
car for inspection.
- Why do we have to have
our agriculture inspected?
- Look, we don't have to...
- It's a state law.
Anybody being out
of the state for more
than 24 hours has
to be inspected.
It's the only way we
can protect our crops
from the Brazilian tick worm.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Haney, will you?!
- Now I have to ask
you a few questions.
Are you carrying
any rubber plants?
- No, sir!
- You don't have to...
- Are you bringing
in any imitation
potty-divey?
- No, we haven't got any.
- Lisa, he doesn't
have any authority to...
- Mr. Douglas, I'm
afraid I'll have to ask you
to take your clothes off.
- What?!
- Them little boogers
hide everywhere.
- Mr. Haney, what
are you up to?!
Is there something
wrong at our farm?
- Not now, there ain't.
You may proceed.
- Well, move your
truck out of the way!
- That'll be six dollars.
- For what?
- The inspection.
- (shouting) Move it!
- Well, the house looks alright.
Not alright, but the
way it always look.
- Very strange.
Eb, take a look in the barn.
See if the cow is still there.
- Yes, sir.
- Haney must have
had some reason
for trying to stall us.
Oh!
- Well, you can't blame
Mr. Haney for that.
- I know.
- That always happen.
- I know.
- From the day we moved in.
- I know.
- Then you can't blame
Mr. Haney for that.
- I'm not blaming him!
- Well that always happen too.
- There doesn't
seem to be anything
wrong in here.
I wonder how the living room is?
- Well this seems to
be, uh, (door knocks)
who's this?
- Howdy!
- Uh.
- Hate to intrude on ya in
your moment of birth, ma'am.
(audience laughs)
- In our moment of...?
- This gonna be
your first, ma'am?
- My first what?
- Baby.
- Oh yes, I think so.
(audience laughs)
- Look, Mr. Um.
- I'll be out of your
way in a minute.
Come on down out of there, son.
Oh, look at ya.
Scat!
- What was he
doing in the fireplace?
- Well, we packed in
such a hurry, we forgot him.
We've got six of them, ma'am.
It's easy to lose
track of one of them.
- Oh, well, the same thing
used to happen in our family.
My father always walked
off without one of us.
Mostly my mother.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa!
- Well, I sure hate
to leave this motel.
- Motel?
- Oh, by the way,
the closets are just full
of purty clothes.
And Mr. Haney told us
to feel free to wear 'em.
- You were wearing...
- One more thing,
don't let that Haney
stick you for more
than four dollars a night
unless you play golf.
- Four dollars?
- Well, so long.
Sure hope it's a girl,
ma'am, so she'll be
as pretty as you.
- Thank you.
- Of all the,
do you realize what Haney did?
He rented this
house for four dollars
and he gave them
permission to wear.
Where are you going?
- To get into bed.
And you better get the doctor.
- Oh, what's the matter?
- Well, you heard
what the man said.
I'm going to have a baby!
(audience laughs)
(shimsical music)
- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.