Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 19 - Economy Flight to Washington - full transcript
The Hooterville Young People's Agricultural Society, comprised of Eb, Hank and Arnold, flies to Washington, D.C. for the national convention. When the stewardess tries to throw the pig off the DC-3, the Douglases come on board to smooth over the problem. While Oliver tries to get the hiding Arnold out of "the occupied," the plane takes off with five Hootervillians aboard.
(lively music)
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye city life
♪ Green Acres we are there ♪
(peppy music)
- The answer is no.
- But, Mr. Douglas!
- No.
- Can't you ever
say anything but no?
- Yes.
- Oh, you know the word.
- Yes.
- It's easy to say, ain't it?
- Yes.
- Can I go on the trip?
- No.
- Here we are, back to
the old dirty word again.
- Eb, I don't want to hear
anything more about it.
(lively music)
Lisa, I wan...
- Did you change your mind?
- How did you?
- I climbed in
through the window.
Now, what do you say, can I go?
- No!
- Boy, you're just
as hard to get along
with inside as you are outside.
(audience laughing)
- Look, Eb, I...
- Now, what are you
two arguing about?
- Dad is being
perfectly horrible.
- I am not your father!
- I'm glad, because
you're perfectly horrible.
- Now, what did you do to Eb?
- Nothing!
- Then why does he have
such a low opinion of you?
- He asked me if he
could take a week off,
and I said no.
- That's the word that gave
me such a low opinion of him.
- Why do you want
a week off, Eb?
- Well, as you know, I'm
a member of the HYPAS.
That's the Hooterville
Young People's Agricultural
Society, which is a
branch of the SYPAS.
That's the State Young
People's Agricultural Society,
which is affiliated with the
NYPAS, which is the National
Young People's
Agricultural Society.
And the HYPAS has
been invited by the SYPAS
to a convention
given by the NYPAS.
- Why don't you want him to go?
- Because I need him...
- Well, you always had such
a good time on conventions.
Remember that lawyer's
convention you went to
when the girls were
dancing out of the cake,
and they were throwing
water bombs out the window?
And then the police
came and raided the place.
- That wasn't a convention.
That was your
brother's birthday party.
(audience laughing)
- Oh.
- This is gonna
be in Washington.
I've never been there before.
It'll gimme a chance to see
their famous monuments,
like the Statue of
Liberty, the Bunker Hill
and the Eiffel Tower.
(audience laughing)
- Those things
aren't in Washington!
- Since when?
- Lisa, the Eiffel...
- They must have
something in Washington
that's worth seeing.
- They do, the Washington
Monument, the Lincoln Memorial,
the White House, the
Smithsonian Institute.
- Golly, it sounds real funky.
- Oliver, you
ought to let him go.
Every boy should have
a little flunk in his life.
- The word is funky.
It means...
- Never mind what it means.
- Can I go?
- No!
- Gosh all shankins,
how's it gonna look
when everybody else
in our chapter goes
and I have to stay home?
- You mean all the
other kids are going?
- I think so.
Mr. Kimball is
taking a vote on it
at the HYPAS meeting tonight.
- Mr. Kimball?
- Yeah, he's our hype master.
- Oliver, if everybody
in the HYPAS is going,
you ought to let Eb go.
- Well, all right, if
everybody goes, then...
- Thank you, thank you!
You're a golly
gumdrops good guy.
(bucket clattering)
- Eb!
- Ooh ooh!
- I'll mop that up when I
get back from Washington.
- Of all the...
- Oh, Oliver, you
made the boy so happy.
When your chips are down,
I can see your true colors.
- Thank you.
I think.
(upbeat music)
- Order, order.
I declare this meeting of
the HYPAS to be in session,
and I turn the meeting
over to Mr. Agent,
your county Kimball.
Mr. County your Kimball agent.
Well, whoever I am,
I will now call the roll.
Eb Dawson?
- Here!
- Arnold Ziffel?
(Arnold grunting)
Well, that's encouraging, we
have 100% turnout for a change.
Now, let's see what we
have first on the agenda.
Oh, looks like
ketchup. (chuckles)
Oh yeah, I wrapped
my lunch in it.
Well, the next
thing on the agenda
is our trip to Washington
for our national convention.
Any discussion?
(Arnold grunting)
- There's nothing to discuss.
Let's just vote on it.
- Will somebody put that
in the form of a motion?
(Arnold grunting)
Thank you.
The motion has been made.
All those in favor of
making the trip, say aye.
- Aye!
- All those against?
(Arnold grunting)
Well, that's one
for and one against.
That's almost a tie.
Well, not almost a tie.
It's a deadlock.
- Doggone, Arnold, you sure
are bein' pig-headed tonight!
- He has to be.
That's the only
kind of head he has.
(Arnold grunting)
- Arnold, Mr. Douglas
won't let me go
unless everybody goes.
Now, why don't we flip
a coin to see if we go.
Okay, you call it.
(Arnold grunts)
Tales, you lose!
We're goin'!
(lively music)
- Eb, you ready yet?
- [Eb] Be right there!
- Oliver, do you think
Ebby will be all right
by himself in Washington?
- Oh, sure, he won't be alone.
He'll be with a group.
Come on, Eb, you'll
miss your plane!
- I'm ready.
- Have you got your ticket?
- Yes, ma'am, I've got it
pinned to my union suit.
- To your...
- Mr. Douglas, I want to
thank you for buyin' it for me.
- Oh, you bought
him a union suit?
- He means the plane ticket!
- It was real nice of you.
Like I tell everybody,
you're not all bad.
- Get in the car.
- You're not all good, either.
But I don't tell anybody that.
- Get in!
- Have you got your money?
- Yes, ma'am, it's
pinned in a safe place too.
Ah!
- What's the matter?
- The safety pin on my
money came undone!
Ah!
(peppy music)
- Where's the rest of the group?
- We were supposed to meet
in front of the gum machine.
Maybe there's another
gum machine someplace.
- Is that the airline
they're going on?
(audience laughing)
- The Route of the...
- We'd better see
if the plane is going
to take off on time.
Excuse me, is this
the Washington plane?
- Yes, ma'am.
May I have your name, please?
- I'm Lisa Douglas, and this
is my husband, Mr. Douglas.
- Douglas, I don't
seem to have you here
on my passenger list.
- Uh no, we...
- May I see your tickets?
- We don't have any tickets.
- Oh, you don't have any.
I'll fix that in a hurry.
- Look, look, no,
we don't want, we.
- There you are, two
tickets to Washington.
- Thank you.
- Lisa.
- That'll be $104.
- Wait a minute.
- Are these first class tickets?
- Oh no, ma'am, this
is an economy flight.
- But we always fly first class.
- We're not flying any class.
Now, give him back the tickets.
We just wanted
to find out when...
- Look, why don't you go?
Washington's a beautiful city.
Why, they got all those
historical monuments,
you know, the Statue of Liberty,
Bunker Hill, the Eiffel Tower.
(audience laughing)
- I told you.
- Lisa, they...
- Ha, what a know it all.
- Our hired hand is going
with the HYPAS group.
- Oh.
- Is this airline safe?
- Madam, we're very
proud of our safety record.
You know that we
haven't had one accident
since we started flying?
- When was that?
- Last week.
- What kind of
equipment do you fly?
- Oh, the very latest.
As a matter of fact, I've
got a model of it right here.
Oh, here we are.
How about that?
Oh, I'm sorry, this is
the equipment we use
on the Hawaiian flight.
(audience laughing)
I know it's around
here someplace.
There we are, the
flagship of our fleet.
- That's a DC-3.
(audience laughing)
Don't you fly any jets?
- Any what?
- Jets?
- Say again.
- Jets, they...
- Mr. Douglas?
- What?
- They're not here yet!
- Well, look someplace else.
- Yes, sir.
- Oliver, I don't
think we should let
Eb fly on this airline.
- Oh, I'm sure it's safe.
They must be
licensed by the FAA.
- The what?
- The Federal
Aviation Administration.
They check every...
- Oh, Mr. Douglas?
- Excuse us.
- Hello there, Mr. Kimball.
- Hi.
- Ah, ready to take off?
- Take off what?
- In the plane, to Washington.
- Oh, is that
where you're goin'?
- No, we're not going.
- Where is the
rest of the group?
- Oh, he's getting his
suitcase out of my car.
- He's getting?
- Yeah, and he's gonna be
late if (footsteps approaching)
Oh, there he is now.
- What the?
- Ooh, is Arnold going with you?
- Yes, ma'am.
He's the HYPAS mascot.
- Where's the rest of the group?
- We're it.
- You're the whole group?
A nut, a ding-a-ling
and a pig that thinks
he's the Red Barron?
(Arnold grunts)
You can't take a
pig on the plane!
- Why not?
He's got a ticket.
- Sure.
Where's your ticket, Arnold?
Be sure you close
that tight, boy.
Where's your ticket, Eb?
- Right here.
- Yeah, well I'll put
these with my uh,
what am I looking for?
- Your ticket.
- Boy, what did I do with 'em?
Let's see, I got
up this morning.
I got dressed, I took a shower.
No, I took a shower
before I got dressed.
(audience laughing)
Now I remember.
I put the ticket in my shoe.
No, I guess I did get dressed
before I took a shower.
- Oh, brother.
- Your attention, please!
Trans Pixley Airlines
domestic champagne
flight direct to Washington,
DC, via Fish Meadows,
Barleyville, Milton Falls,
Millington and Hapsber Creek
now ready to board at Gate 7.
Will all passengers please
check in at the ticket counter.
Over and out.
(peppy music)
May I have your tickets, please.
- Yes, sir.
Ooh, this is the
flight that my mother
took to Hawaii last year.
- Ah, Mr. Dawson.
- Right here.
Do you serve
supper on the plane?
- Yes, sir.
Uh, Kimball.
- Yes, sir.
And Mr. Ziffel.
I thought you said
your name was Douglas.
- It is!
- Well, where's Mr. Ziffel?
- Arnold?
- Oh, I guess he
went out to the gate.
- Oh, well, he didn't
even say goodbye!
- How could he say...
- I think you folks had
better get on board.
(peppy music)
- Well, goodbye
Mr. And Mrs. Douglas.
Have a good trip.
- Bye.
- Not us, you!
That way!
- Are you all gonna stick
around and watch us take off?
- Why, of course.
- Well, I guess this is it.
- Oh, well, goodbye, Eb.
Now, take good care of yourself
and be sure to call
us from Washington.
And don't forget to write.
- I think I'm gonna cry.
- What's there to cry about?
- The safety pin is
still stickin' into me.
- Okay, Eb, have a nice trip.
- Bye, Dad, bye, Mom.
- And stop calling
us mom and dad!
- I feel I'm going to cry too.
- Why, what's sticking into you?
- I hope they're going
to have a nice flight.
- Oh, don't worry.
They usually have a
pretty stewardess aboard.
- Welcome aboard.
- Who are you?
- I'm the stewardess.
- Oh, I thought they used women.
- Oh, this is gonna
be a funny flight.
- Mrs. Stewart.
- The name is Jones, Miss Jones.
- Where do we sit,
Jones, Miss Jones?
- Back there.
- Can't I sit with the pilot?
- No, it's against he rules!
Follow me.
(funny music)
There you are, seat 102 and 103.
- Excuse me, where
are the seat belts?
- The what?
- Seat belts, they're uh...
- Say, what picture
are they showing?
- Picture of what?
- Moving picture.
- On an airplane?
- Sure.
- Are you on something?
- All the airlines do it.
Didn't you ever see their
commercials on television?
- On what?
(audience laughing)
- Television?
You know, you have
a set in your home,
and they send the
pictures through the air
and they come out on the screen?
- Would you two like to
sit near an open window
and get some fresh air?
- Open window?
Isn't this cabin pressurized?
- What?
- Pressurized.
You know, when you
get up high, the air gets
thinner and you have to,
well, you don't
have to, but it helps.
- Miss Jones.
- We'll be taking
off in a few minutes.
Just relax.
Yes, captain?
- Here's dinner
for the passengers.
- Yes, sir.
- Did my copilot
come aboard yet?
- Oh, I don't know, sir.
(funny music)
- It just can't be.
- Can't be what, sir?
- My copilot.
- What's wrong with him?
- Well, take a look.
Well?
- There's no one in there.
- Are you sure?
That's strange.
There was a pig in there.
- A pig?
- Wearing a helmet,
goggles and a scarf.
- A little hungover
today, aren't you?
After we take off,
you'd better lie down.
Care to rent a pillow?
10 cents.
- No, thank you.
- What about you?
- Uh, no, thanks.
- Would you care
to rent a pillo...
What is that?
- Oh, that's Arnold Ziffel.
Arnold, say hello to Miss Jones.
(Arnold grunts)
- That's a pig!
- Now you hurt his feelings.
- He's going to
Washington with us.
- We don't allow
pigs on this plane!
- He has a ticket.
- Either he gets
off or you all get off!
Oh!
- What are we gonna do now?
- I hope Mr. Douglas
is still out there.
He'll know how to handle this.
- I wonder why they
haven't taken off yet.
- Your attention, please.
Will the copilot for
the Washington flight
please report on
board immediately?
- There's your answer.
Some airline.
- Mr. Douglas!
- You're supposed
to be on board.
- We're havin' trouble
with the stewardess.
- Oh, you got fresh with her?
- No, ma'am.
She wants to throw
Arnold off the plane.
- I told ya they wouldn't
allow a pig on board.
- You gotta talk to her and
make her change her mind.
- Oh, come on, Oliver,
you're such a good talker.
- How can I?
What kind of a plane is this,
the paratrooper's special?
(audience laughing)
- There she is!
Miss Jones, this is
my father, Mr. Douglas.
Now, he's gonna...
- I'm not your father!
- Well, whatever
you are, get that...
All right, where's the pig?
- Huh, uh, pig?
- The pig that was
sitting right there.
- Oh, the pig, the one that
was wearing the polo outfit.
(laughing) He got off.
- Well, if he's on this
plane, I'll find him!
(peppy music)
- What did you do with Arnold?
- Put him in the occupied.
- The occupied?
For the love of.
(knocking)
Arnold!
Are you in there?
(Arnold grunting)
Arnold, come on out!
(engine whining)
Arnold, the flight isn't
gonna take off till you get off.
(propeller whirring)
Oh, yes it is.
Hey, stop the plane!
Captain, sto...
- Oliver, you might
as well sit down.
We're going to Washington.
(peppy music)
(peppy music)
- Golly, ain't this exciting?
- What's exciting?
- Watchin' the
birds fly past us.
- This is the most
miserable flight
I've ever been on.
(Arnold grunts)
What do you know?
You've never been...
- Boy, I sure am looking
forward to the convention.
- Oh, we're going to have a
wonderful time in Washington.
- Yeah, yeah, we don't
even have a toothbrush.
- Well, we can buy
everything there,
a toothbrush, a new mink
coat and a whole new wardrobe.
- Why do you have to buy
a whole new wardrobe?
- Well, I can't have dinner
with the president in this.
- The president?
You know Mr. Hoover?
- Mister?
- I'm gonna drop in at the
Department of Agriculture
and see the secretary.
- Ooh, that'll make his day.
- [Miss Jones] Dinner is served!
- Dinner?
- We have Swiss on white.
We have ham and
cheese on whole wheat,
and we have tuna
fish on raisin bread.
- Can I just have a
cup of coffee, please?
- Oh, help yourself.
Tuna fish on raisin.
(lively music)
- Good afternoon.
- Oh, hi.
My name is Hank Kimball.
I have a reservation.
We're all here for the
NYPAS convention.
- NYPAS?
Aren't you a little late?
That was last week.
- That's impossible.
I remember distinctly
getting a letter.
Well, I don't
remember distinctly,
but I do remember that
the convention was on the...
No, it wasn't.
- Oh, for the love of...
- Do you have another
convention we can attend?
- No, sir, all we
have at the moment
is a reunion for the
friends of Bobby Baker.
(audience laughing)
- That sounds all right to me.
How about you, Mr. Douglas?
- Look, we just want
a room for tonight.
- For all of you?
- No, just for my
wife and myself.
- We'll take a room
for me, him and Arnold.
- Arnold?
- Yeah, he uh.
Arnold?
I guess he went into the bar.
- Would you mind registering?
- Certainly.
- Where's your luggage?
- We don't have any.
- No luggage, Mr. Smith?
(audience laughing)
- Douglas!
- The reason we
don't have any luggage
is we only went to the
airport to see them off,
but they wanted to
throw Arnold off the plane,
but he hid in the occupied,
and while my husband
was trying to get him
out, the plane took off.
- Would you mind
paying in advance?
(light music)
- Bartender, bartender?
Excuse me, mac,
have you seen the...
Oh, air force.
(Arnold grunting)
Mind if I sit down?
(Arnold grunting)
Thank you.
Bartender!
What outfit are you with, buddy?
(Arnold grunting)
No foolin'.
I was with MacArthur
in the Pacific.
Bartender?
- Yes, sir.
- I'll have a vodka and tonic.
Still got a touch
of the malaria.
- What'll you have?
(Arnold grunts)
- Well, what are you
standing there for?
You heard the lieutenant.
- That's a pig.
- Now see here.
That's no way to
talk to a serviceman.
- Get him outta here.
- Don't give me
any trouble, mac,
me and my buddy'll
take this place apart.
Won't we, buddy?
(Arnold squealing)
- That's right, Hooterville.
Yes, this is Oliver Douglas.
Douglas.
That's right, I'm the
one that registered
without the luggage.
- Who are you calling?
- Mr. Drucker to tell
him to get somebody
to go out to the farm, feed
the chickens, milk Eleanor.
- Tell him to get somebody
for a couple of weeks.
- We're not gonna
be here that long!
- Well, as long as we are here,
we might as well stay a while.
- Hooterville.
- If we do stay, could
we get another room?
- What's wrong with this one?
- Well, it has twin beds.
- So?
- Well, my cousin and
her husband had a room
with twin beds, and the
next year, they had twins.
(audience laughing)
- What has that?
Hello?
The hotel manager, what?
Well, call Mr. Kimball,
he's in charge of him!
- What happened?
- Arnold bit the bartender.
(audience laughing)
Hello?
Look, operator, yes,
are you putting through...
- Drucker's store.
- Oh, Mr. Drucker.
- Oh, Mr. Douglas.
Say, did Hank and Eb get
off to Washington all right?
- Yes, and so did we!
- What?
- Well, you see, Arnold
locked himself in the occupied,
and well, we wound
up in Washington.
- Oh, I sure wish
I could be with ya.
Love to see some of them
sites, the Statue of Liberty,
Bunker Hill, the Eiffel Tower.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Drucker, I want
you to do me a favor.
If you could find
somebody to mind the farm
while we're away.
- Mind your farm?
- I'll take that.
- Mr. Drucker?
- No, this is Haney's
Farm Minding Service.
- Mr. Haney!
- Now, just what kind of farm
minding did you have in mind?
- May I talk to Mr. Drucker?
- Just as soon as we
settle our business.
Now, for $8 a day, I
will feed your chickens,
milk your cow and check
your laundry to make
sure that you get all
of your sheets back.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Haney, I...
- For $12 a day, you
get our 24-hour service.
Me and my wife, we
move into your place
and in addition to
the aforementioned,
we will watch your
television set, eat your food,
drink you liquor and
turn away any relatives
that happen to show up.
- Look, Mr. Haney...
- Don't worry about
nothin', Mr. Douglas.
You just wire me a
week's fee in advance,
and I'm sure that your
barn won't burn down.
- Give me that!
Don't worry,
Mr. Douglas, your farm'll
be taken care of.
- Thank you, Mr. Drucker.
Well, I guess it'll be
safe to stay for a week.
- That's wonderful.
When were you here last?
- During the war.
- Oh, there are so
many things to see.
Oh, look at that, Oliver,
isn't that beautiful?
- Oh yes, Washington is
one of the most beautiful...
(French music))
That's the Eiffel Tower!
- Beautiful, isn't it?
(lively music)
This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye city life
♪ Green Acres we are there ♪
(peppy music)
- The answer is no.
- But, Mr. Douglas!
- No.
- Can't you ever
say anything but no?
- Yes.
- Oh, you know the word.
- Yes.
- It's easy to say, ain't it?
- Yes.
- Can I go on the trip?
- No.
- Here we are, back to
the old dirty word again.
- Eb, I don't want to hear
anything more about it.
(lively music)
Lisa, I wan...
- Did you change your mind?
- How did you?
- I climbed in
through the window.
Now, what do you say, can I go?
- No!
- Boy, you're just
as hard to get along
with inside as you are outside.
(audience laughing)
- Look, Eb, I...
- Now, what are you
two arguing about?
- Dad is being
perfectly horrible.
- I am not your father!
- I'm glad, because
you're perfectly horrible.
- Now, what did you do to Eb?
- Nothing!
- Then why does he have
such a low opinion of you?
- He asked me if he
could take a week off,
and I said no.
- That's the word that gave
me such a low opinion of him.
- Why do you want
a week off, Eb?
- Well, as you know, I'm
a member of the HYPAS.
That's the Hooterville
Young People's Agricultural
Society, which is a
branch of the SYPAS.
That's the State Young
People's Agricultural Society,
which is affiliated with the
NYPAS, which is the National
Young People's
Agricultural Society.
And the HYPAS has
been invited by the SYPAS
to a convention
given by the NYPAS.
- Why don't you want him to go?
- Because I need him...
- Well, you always had such
a good time on conventions.
Remember that lawyer's
convention you went to
when the girls were
dancing out of the cake,
and they were throwing
water bombs out the window?
And then the police
came and raided the place.
- That wasn't a convention.
That was your
brother's birthday party.
(audience laughing)
- Oh.
- This is gonna
be in Washington.
I've never been there before.
It'll gimme a chance to see
their famous monuments,
like the Statue of
Liberty, the Bunker Hill
and the Eiffel Tower.
(audience laughing)
- Those things
aren't in Washington!
- Since when?
- Lisa, the Eiffel...
- They must have
something in Washington
that's worth seeing.
- They do, the Washington
Monument, the Lincoln Memorial,
the White House, the
Smithsonian Institute.
- Golly, it sounds real funky.
- Oliver, you
ought to let him go.
Every boy should have
a little flunk in his life.
- The word is funky.
It means...
- Never mind what it means.
- Can I go?
- No!
- Gosh all shankins,
how's it gonna look
when everybody else
in our chapter goes
and I have to stay home?
- You mean all the
other kids are going?
- I think so.
Mr. Kimball is
taking a vote on it
at the HYPAS meeting tonight.
- Mr. Kimball?
- Yeah, he's our hype master.
- Oliver, if everybody
in the HYPAS is going,
you ought to let Eb go.
- Well, all right, if
everybody goes, then...
- Thank you, thank you!
You're a golly
gumdrops good guy.
(bucket clattering)
- Eb!
- Ooh ooh!
- I'll mop that up when I
get back from Washington.
- Of all the...
- Oh, Oliver, you
made the boy so happy.
When your chips are down,
I can see your true colors.
- Thank you.
I think.
(upbeat music)
- Order, order.
I declare this meeting of
the HYPAS to be in session,
and I turn the meeting
over to Mr. Agent,
your county Kimball.
Mr. County your Kimball agent.
Well, whoever I am,
I will now call the roll.
Eb Dawson?
- Here!
- Arnold Ziffel?
(Arnold grunting)
Well, that's encouraging, we
have 100% turnout for a change.
Now, let's see what we
have first on the agenda.
Oh, looks like
ketchup. (chuckles)
Oh yeah, I wrapped
my lunch in it.
Well, the next
thing on the agenda
is our trip to Washington
for our national convention.
Any discussion?
(Arnold grunting)
- There's nothing to discuss.
Let's just vote on it.
- Will somebody put that
in the form of a motion?
(Arnold grunting)
Thank you.
The motion has been made.
All those in favor of
making the trip, say aye.
- Aye!
- All those against?
(Arnold grunting)
Well, that's one
for and one against.
That's almost a tie.
Well, not almost a tie.
It's a deadlock.
- Doggone, Arnold, you sure
are bein' pig-headed tonight!
- He has to be.
That's the only
kind of head he has.
(Arnold grunting)
- Arnold, Mr. Douglas
won't let me go
unless everybody goes.
Now, why don't we flip
a coin to see if we go.
Okay, you call it.
(Arnold grunts)
Tales, you lose!
We're goin'!
(lively music)
- Eb, you ready yet?
- [Eb] Be right there!
- Oliver, do you think
Ebby will be all right
by himself in Washington?
- Oh, sure, he won't be alone.
He'll be with a group.
Come on, Eb, you'll
miss your plane!
- I'm ready.
- Have you got your ticket?
- Yes, ma'am, I've got it
pinned to my union suit.
- To your...
- Mr. Douglas, I want to
thank you for buyin' it for me.
- Oh, you bought
him a union suit?
- He means the plane ticket!
- It was real nice of you.
Like I tell everybody,
you're not all bad.
- Get in the car.
- You're not all good, either.
But I don't tell anybody that.
- Get in!
- Have you got your money?
- Yes, ma'am, it's
pinned in a safe place too.
Ah!
- What's the matter?
- The safety pin on my
money came undone!
Ah!
(peppy music)
- Where's the rest of the group?
- We were supposed to meet
in front of the gum machine.
Maybe there's another
gum machine someplace.
- Is that the airline
they're going on?
(audience laughing)
- The Route of the...
- We'd better see
if the plane is going
to take off on time.
Excuse me, is this
the Washington plane?
- Yes, ma'am.
May I have your name, please?
- I'm Lisa Douglas, and this
is my husband, Mr. Douglas.
- Douglas, I don't
seem to have you here
on my passenger list.
- Uh no, we...
- May I see your tickets?
- We don't have any tickets.
- Oh, you don't have any.
I'll fix that in a hurry.
- Look, look, no,
we don't want, we.
- There you are, two
tickets to Washington.
- Thank you.
- Lisa.
- That'll be $104.
- Wait a minute.
- Are these first class tickets?
- Oh no, ma'am, this
is an economy flight.
- But we always fly first class.
- We're not flying any class.
Now, give him back the tickets.
We just wanted
to find out when...
- Look, why don't you go?
Washington's a beautiful city.
Why, they got all those
historical monuments,
you know, the Statue of Liberty,
Bunker Hill, the Eiffel Tower.
(audience laughing)
- I told you.
- Lisa, they...
- Ha, what a know it all.
- Our hired hand is going
with the HYPAS group.
- Oh.
- Is this airline safe?
- Madam, we're very
proud of our safety record.
You know that we
haven't had one accident
since we started flying?
- When was that?
- Last week.
- What kind of
equipment do you fly?
- Oh, the very latest.
As a matter of fact, I've
got a model of it right here.
Oh, here we are.
How about that?
Oh, I'm sorry, this is
the equipment we use
on the Hawaiian flight.
(audience laughing)
I know it's around
here someplace.
There we are, the
flagship of our fleet.
- That's a DC-3.
(audience laughing)
Don't you fly any jets?
- Any what?
- Jets?
- Say again.
- Jets, they...
- Mr. Douglas?
- What?
- They're not here yet!
- Well, look someplace else.
- Yes, sir.
- Oliver, I don't
think we should let
Eb fly on this airline.
- Oh, I'm sure it's safe.
They must be
licensed by the FAA.
- The what?
- The Federal
Aviation Administration.
They check every...
- Oh, Mr. Douglas?
- Excuse us.
- Hello there, Mr. Kimball.
- Hi.
- Ah, ready to take off?
- Take off what?
- In the plane, to Washington.
- Oh, is that
where you're goin'?
- No, we're not going.
- Where is the
rest of the group?
- Oh, he's getting his
suitcase out of my car.
- He's getting?
- Yeah, and he's gonna be
late if (footsteps approaching)
Oh, there he is now.
- What the?
- Ooh, is Arnold going with you?
- Yes, ma'am.
He's the HYPAS mascot.
- Where's the rest of the group?
- We're it.
- You're the whole group?
A nut, a ding-a-ling
and a pig that thinks
he's the Red Barron?
(Arnold grunts)
You can't take a
pig on the plane!
- Why not?
He's got a ticket.
- Sure.
Where's your ticket, Arnold?
Be sure you close
that tight, boy.
Where's your ticket, Eb?
- Right here.
- Yeah, well I'll put
these with my uh,
what am I looking for?
- Your ticket.
- Boy, what did I do with 'em?
Let's see, I got
up this morning.
I got dressed, I took a shower.
No, I took a shower
before I got dressed.
(audience laughing)
Now I remember.
I put the ticket in my shoe.
No, I guess I did get dressed
before I took a shower.
- Oh, brother.
- Your attention, please!
Trans Pixley Airlines
domestic champagne
flight direct to Washington,
DC, via Fish Meadows,
Barleyville, Milton Falls,
Millington and Hapsber Creek
now ready to board at Gate 7.
Will all passengers please
check in at the ticket counter.
Over and out.
(peppy music)
May I have your tickets, please.
- Yes, sir.
Ooh, this is the
flight that my mother
took to Hawaii last year.
- Ah, Mr. Dawson.
- Right here.
Do you serve
supper on the plane?
- Yes, sir.
Uh, Kimball.
- Yes, sir.
And Mr. Ziffel.
I thought you said
your name was Douglas.
- It is!
- Well, where's Mr. Ziffel?
- Arnold?
- Oh, I guess he
went out to the gate.
- Oh, well, he didn't
even say goodbye!
- How could he say...
- I think you folks had
better get on board.
(peppy music)
- Well, goodbye
Mr. And Mrs. Douglas.
Have a good trip.
- Bye.
- Not us, you!
That way!
- Are you all gonna stick
around and watch us take off?
- Why, of course.
- Well, I guess this is it.
- Oh, well, goodbye, Eb.
Now, take good care of yourself
and be sure to call
us from Washington.
And don't forget to write.
- I think I'm gonna cry.
- What's there to cry about?
- The safety pin is
still stickin' into me.
- Okay, Eb, have a nice trip.
- Bye, Dad, bye, Mom.
- And stop calling
us mom and dad!
- I feel I'm going to cry too.
- Why, what's sticking into you?
- I hope they're going
to have a nice flight.
- Oh, don't worry.
They usually have a
pretty stewardess aboard.
- Welcome aboard.
- Who are you?
- I'm the stewardess.
- Oh, I thought they used women.
- Oh, this is gonna
be a funny flight.
- Mrs. Stewart.
- The name is Jones, Miss Jones.
- Where do we sit,
Jones, Miss Jones?
- Back there.
- Can't I sit with the pilot?
- No, it's against he rules!
Follow me.
(funny music)
There you are, seat 102 and 103.
- Excuse me, where
are the seat belts?
- The what?
- Seat belts, they're uh...
- Say, what picture
are they showing?
- Picture of what?
- Moving picture.
- On an airplane?
- Sure.
- Are you on something?
- All the airlines do it.
Didn't you ever see their
commercials on television?
- On what?
(audience laughing)
- Television?
You know, you have
a set in your home,
and they send the
pictures through the air
and they come out on the screen?
- Would you two like to
sit near an open window
and get some fresh air?
- Open window?
Isn't this cabin pressurized?
- What?
- Pressurized.
You know, when you
get up high, the air gets
thinner and you have to,
well, you don't
have to, but it helps.
- Miss Jones.
- We'll be taking
off in a few minutes.
Just relax.
Yes, captain?
- Here's dinner
for the passengers.
- Yes, sir.
- Did my copilot
come aboard yet?
- Oh, I don't know, sir.
(funny music)
- It just can't be.
- Can't be what, sir?
- My copilot.
- What's wrong with him?
- Well, take a look.
Well?
- There's no one in there.
- Are you sure?
That's strange.
There was a pig in there.
- A pig?
- Wearing a helmet,
goggles and a scarf.
- A little hungover
today, aren't you?
After we take off,
you'd better lie down.
Care to rent a pillow?
10 cents.
- No, thank you.
- What about you?
- Uh, no, thanks.
- Would you care
to rent a pillo...
What is that?
- Oh, that's Arnold Ziffel.
Arnold, say hello to Miss Jones.
(Arnold grunts)
- That's a pig!
- Now you hurt his feelings.
- He's going to
Washington with us.
- We don't allow
pigs on this plane!
- He has a ticket.
- Either he gets
off or you all get off!
Oh!
- What are we gonna do now?
- I hope Mr. Douglas
is still out there.
He'll know how to handle this.
- I wonder why they
haven't taken off yet.
- Your attention, please.
Will the copilot for
the Washington flight
please report on
board immediately?
- There's your answer.
Some airline.
- Mr. Douglas!
- You're supposed
to be on board.
- We're havin' trouble
with the stewardess.
- Oh, you got fresh with her?
- No, ma'am.
She wants to throw
Arnold off the plane.
- I told ya they wouldn't
allow a pig on board.
- You gotta talk to her and
make her change her mind.
- Oh, come on, Oliver,
you're such a good talker.
- How can I?
What kind of a plane is this,
the paratrooper's special?
(audience laughing)
- There she is!
Miss Jones, this is
my father, Mr. Douglas.
Now, he's gonna...
- I'm not your father!
- Well, whatever
you are, get that...
All right, where's the pig?
- Huh, uh, pig?
- The pig that was
sitting right there.
- Oh, the pig, the one that
was wearing the polo outfit.
(laughing) He got off.
- Well, if he's on this
plane, I'll find him!
(peppy music)
- What did you do with Arnold?
- Put him in the occupied.
- The occupied?
For the love of.
(knocking)
Arnold!
Are you in there?
(Arnold grunting)
Arnold, come on out!
(engine whining)
Arnold, the flight isn't
gonna take off till you get off.
(propeller whirring)
Oh, yes it is.
Hey, stop the plane!
Captain, sto...
- Oliver, you might
as well sit down.
We're going to Washington.
(peppy music)
(peppy music)
- Golly, ain't this exciting?
- What's exciting?
- Watchin' the
birds fly past us.
- This is the most
miserable flight
I've ever been on.
(Arnold grunts)
What do you know?
You've never been...
- Boy, I sure am looking
forward to the convention.
- Oh, we're going to have a
wonderful time in Washington.
- Yeah, yeah, we don't
even have a toothbrush.
- Well, we can buy
everything there,
a toothbrush, a new mink
coat and a whole new wardrobe.
- Why do you have to buy
a whole new wardrobe?
- Well, I can't have dinner
with the president in this.
- The president?
You know Mr. Hoover?
- Mister?
- I'm gonna drop in at the
Department of Agriculture
and see the secretary.
- Ooh, that'll make his day.
- [Miss Jones] Dinner is served!
- Dinner?
- We have Swiss on white.
We have ham and
cheese on whole wheat,
and we have tuna
fish on raisin bread.
- Can I just have a
cup of coffee, please?
- Oh, help yourself.
Tuna fish on raisin.
(lively music)
- Good afternoon.
- Oh, hi.
My name is Hank Kimball.
I have a reservation.
We're all here for the
NYPAS convention.
- NYPAS?
Aren't you a little late?
That was last week.
- That's impossible.
I remember distinctly
getting a letter.
Well, I don't
remember distinctly,
but I do remember that
the convention was on the...
No, it wasn't.
- Oh, for the love of...
- Do you have another
convention we can attend?
- No, sir, all we
have at the moment
is a reunion for the
friends of Bobby Baker.
(audience laughing)
- That sounds all right to me.
How about you, Mr. Douglas?
- Look, we just want
a room for tonight.
- For all of you?
- No, just for my
wife and myself.
- We'll take a room
for me, him and Arnold.
- Arnold?
- Yeah, he uh.
Arnold?
I guess he went into the bar.
- Would you mind registering?
- Certainly.
- Where's your luggage?
- We don't have any.
- No luggage, Mr. Smith?
(audience laughing)
- Douglas!
- The reason we
don't have any luggage
is we only went to the
airport to see them off,
but they wanted to
throw Arnold off the plane,
but he hid in the occupied,
and while my husband
was trying to get him
out, the plane took off.
- Would you mind
paying in advance?
(light music)
- Bartender, bartender?
Excuse me, mac,
have you seen the...
Oh, air force.
(Arnold grunting)
Mind if I sit down?
(Arnold grunting)
Thank you.
Bartender!
What outfit are you with, buddy?
(Arnold grunting)
No foolin'.
I was with MacArthur
in the Pacific.
Bartender?
- Yes, sir.
- I'll have a vodka and tonic.
Still got a touch
of the malaria.
- What'll you have?
(Arnold grunts)
- Well, what are you
standing there for?
You heard the lieutenant.
- That's a pig.
- Now see here.
That's no way to
talk to a serviceman.
- Get him outta here.
- Don't give me
any trouble, mac,
me and my buddy'll
take this place apart.
Won't we, buddy?
(Arnold squealing)
- That's right, Hooterville.
Yes, this is Oliver Douglas.
Douglas.
That's right, I'm the
one that registered
without the luggage.
- Who are you calling?
- Mr. Drucker to tell
him to get somebody
to go out to the farm, feed
the chickens, milk Eleanor.
- Tell him to get somebody
for a couple of weeks.
- We're not gonna
be here that long!
- Well, as long as we are here,
we might as well stay a while.
- Hooterville.
- If we do stay, could
we get another room?
- What's wrong with this one?
- Well, it has twin beds.
- So?
- Well, my cousin and
her husband had a room
with twin beds, and the
next year, they had twins.
(audience laughing)
- What has that?
Hello?
The hotel manager, what?
Well, call Mr. Kimball,
he's in charge of him!
- What happened?
- Arnold bit the bartender.
(audience laughing)
Hello?
Look, operator, yes,
are you putting through...
- Drucker's store.
- Oh, Mr. Drucker.
- Oh, Mr. Douglas.
Say, did Hank and Eb get
off to Washington all right?
- Yes, and so did we!
- What?
- Well, you see, Arnold
locked himself in the occupied,
and well, we wound
up in Washington.
- Oh, I sure wish
I could be with ya.
Love to see some of them
sites, the Statue of Liberty,
Bunker Hill, the Eiffel Tower.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Drucker, I want
you to do me a favor.
If you could find
somebody to mind the farm
while we're away.
- Mind your farm?
- I'll take that.
- Mr. Drucker?
- No, this is Haney's
Farm Minding Service.
- Mr. Haney!
- Now, just what kind of farm
minding did you have in mind?
- May I talk to Mr. Drucker?
- Just as soon as we
settle our business.
Now, for $8 a day, I
will feed your chickens,
milk your cow and check
your laundry to make
sure that you get all
of your sheets back.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Haney, I...
- For $12 a day, you
get our 24-hour service.
Me and my wife, we
move into your place
and in addition to
the aforementioned,
we will watch your
television set, eat your food,
drink you liquor and
turn away any relatives
that happen to show up.
- Look, Mr. Haney...
- Don't worry about
nothin', Mr. Douglas.
You just wire me a
week's fee in advance,
and I'm sure that your
barn won't burn down.
- Give me that!
Don't worry,
Mr. Douglas, your farm'll
be taken care of.
- Thank you, Mr. Drucker.
Well, I guess it'll be
safe to stay for a week.
- That's wonderful.
When were you here last?
- During the war.
- Oh, there are so
many things to see.
Oh, look at that, Oliver,
isn't that beautiful?
- Oh yes, Washington is
one of the most beautiful...
(French music))
That's the Eiffel Tower!
- Beautiful, isn't it?
(lively music)
This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.