Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 16 - A Prize in Every Package - full transcript

Criminals rob a jewelry store in Chicago and stash their haul in a grain bin. The expensive gems end up packed in boxes of Crickly Wickly cereal shipped to Hooterville. Lisa knows real jewels when she sees them, but Oliver's sure they're just costume. After taking them to be appraised, the sheriff arrests Oliver for the jewelry store heist.

(upbeat theme music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife



♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(playful music)

(explosion booming)

- Beautiful.

Get a load of this rock.

- In the bag, in the bag.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(bell ringing)

Let's get out of here.

Not that way, stupid.

- Shh.

Did we lose 'em?

- I think so.



I don't hear anything.

Hey, Mack.

Let's divvy up the loot.

- Not now.

Later.

Hey, Mack.

- Huh?

- There must be a lot
of show business kids

in this neighborhood.

- How do you figure?

- Look.

(audience laughs)

Boy, when I was a kid,

the kind of stuff
we'd write on a wall.

- Psst.

- Where are we going?

- In there.

Come on, open the door.

- All right, get back.

- Not that way, the head.

- Ah, all right.

(audience laughs)

Now, what did we
come in here for?

- To stash the
jewelry, you dummy.

- What's in there?

- Looks like wheat or something.

All right, dump
it in, dump it in.

Now, what did you do that for?

Why didn't you throw
the whole bag in?

- I gotta bring it home.

I borrowed it from
my brother-in-law.

- All right, we'll stash it here

and pick it up
when the heat's off.

All right, let's get out.

- Boy, you sure
are cranky tonight.

Ow.

(uptempo music)

- Doggone it.

Every week they come
out with a new cereal.

One week it was Tooty Wooties,
and the next week it was...

- Hello there, Mr. Drucker.

- Afternoon, Mr. Drucker.

- Afternoon, folks.

- Oh, those are those Crickly
Wicklys they advertise on TV.

- What do they do?

Snap, crunch, ping?

- No, these are soundproof.

- I wonder if these are as
good as the Jumpy Wumpies.

- Jumpy?

- Yes, when you pour
hot milk over them,

they jump around in the bowl.

- Who wouldn't?

- My favorite cereal
used to be Itsy Bitsies,

but they stopped making them

when they came out
with Stuffy Wuffies.

- Who thinks up those?

- In Hungary, they had a
wonderful cereal, Shredded Goulash.

You can't get that here.

- Thank goodness.

- Well, this should
be pretty good.

It's got a lot of stuff in it.

Artificial coloring,
imitation sweeteners,

synthetic orange peels.

- No plastic raisins?

- No, they had those
in Jumpy Wumpies.

- Look, Lisa.

- This is the first cereal
I ever got with vitamin N.

- There's no such
thing as vitamin N.

- It says right here.

Contains vitamin N for energy.

- I believe energy
is spelled with an E.

- Since when?

- Well, it's always...

- Each box is supposed
to have a valuable prize.

- I'm sure.

- Would you like to try 'em?

They're 18 cents a
box or six for a dollar.

- We take six boxes.

- No, we don't.

- But, Oliver.

You might want them for
breakfast tomorrow morning.

- I'm not putting that
junk in my stomach.

- All right, then.

Give me 10 pounds
of hot cakes flour.

- On second thought, I am
putting that junk in my stomach.

We'll take these six boxes.

(rooster crows)

Good morning.

- Well, if it isn't my
husband, Handsome Harry.

(audience laughs)

- Is breakfast ready?

- Don't you even want to
pant a little from the kiss?

(pants)

- That enough?

- Personally, I thought it was
more than a two pants kiss.

- Breakfast, Lisa, hmm?

- All right, gorgeous.

Sit down.

There.

There we are.

- Good morning.

- Hi.
- Good morning.

- What's this?

Crickly Wicklys?

Why don't you buy the
kind I like, Poopy Woopsy?

- Poopy Woopsy.

- That a cereal with
the filter tipped flakes.

A valuable prize in every box.

I wonder what they give you.

(whimsical music)

A green glass bracelet.

- What did you expect, emeralds?

- That's what they are.

- Sure, emeralds.

- They are.

- Oh, boy.

Wait'll I give this to Lorelei.

I'll get a two pants kiss.

- You are to get at
least a five pants for that.

Do you know what
emeralds are worth?

- No, ma'am.

- Well, my aunt had
an emerald bracelet,

not half as good as this
one, and it cost her $12,000.

- $12,000?

- Why would they
put a $12,000 bracelet

in an 18 cent box of cereal?

- They're trying to
make new customers.

- That makes sense.

- I wish you did.

- See what you
get, Mrs. Douglas.

- All right.

(whimsical music)

Ooh, a diamond wristwatch.

Must be worth at least $8,000.

- Oh, boy.

- It's your turn, Mr. Douglas.

- Come on, I'm not going to...

- Oh, go on, Oliver.

(whimsical music)

- What did you get?

- A picture of Yogi Berra.

- Autographed?

- No.

- Tough luck.

- Hey, will you
stop opening all the.

(whimsical music)

- [Lisa] Ooh.

- Wowee, a diamond ring.

- Yes.

Ooh, it's at least six carats.

- That's a big
phony hunk of glass.

- It's a diamond.

- Look, how could
it possibly be a...

- Oliver, if there's one
thing I know, it's diamonds.

- What do you know
about sapphires?

- Ooh, it's gorgeous.

- They're blue glass.

- Oliver, I didn't get
to where I am today

without knowing what's
real jewelry and what isn't.

(audience laughs)

- Here, try your luck again.

Well?

- Yogi Berra.

- You're a born loser.

- Oliver, we ought to buy
some more of this cereal.

Delicious.

- Yeah, I'm gonna get
me 75 boxes and retire.

- You'll be retiring a
lot faster than you think

if you don't get back to work.

- I don't have to work anymore.

I'm independently wealthy.

Jewelry wise.

- That stupid kid.

He gets a few hunks
of junk jewelry and...

(knocking on door)

Come in!

- Howdy.

- Hello there, Mr Ziffel.

- I just come over to
show you something.

Looky here.

- Ooh, your birthday?

- No, Crickly Wickly.

- What?

- You, too?

Look what I got.

- That's pretty.

You didn't happen
to get a couple

of diamond earrings did ya?

- No.

Eb got some sapphires.

- Aw, too bad.

Arnold wanted to
trade a bracelet he got

for a couple of diamond
earrings to go with his choker.

- What choker?

- His Prickly Wickly choker.

Arnold, come in here
and show it to them.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I'll be a...

- Yeah, that's what Doris
said when she saw it.

- Did Mrs. Ziffel get anything?

- Yep, she got a
picture of Yogi Berra.

- Ooh, that's what
Mr. Douglas got.

- Couple of born losers.

(audience laughs)

- Look, Mr. Ziffel.

That's cheap costume jewelry.

(Arnold squealing)

- Don't pay no
attention to him, Arnold.

He don't know what
he's talking about.

- Would you like
me to prove it to you?

- How?

- I'll take all this junk
over to the jeweler in Pixley

and have it appraised.

- Ooh, this is a
magnificent diamond.

Not a flaw in it.

- Are you sure?

- Oh, positive.

- And you say
this stuff is all real?

- Yes, these are some of
the most beautiful jewels

I've ever seen, Mr., uh.

- Douglas.

How much do you
estimate they're worth?

- Well,

roughly $200,000.

- 200...
- Mr. Douglas, if
you bought them

you ought to know
what they're worth.

- Oh, I didn't buy them.

- You inherited them?

- No, no.

I got them in boxes of.

- Of what?

- If I told you, you
wouldn't believe me.

- If you'd like me to keep
these in my safe for you.

- No, thank you.

Thank you.

Good day.

- Good day.

Hello, operator.

Connect me with the
sheriff's office, please.

Yes.

Hello, Sheriff?

This is Klaxon, the
jeweler over at Pixley.

Yes.

Say, I got a flyer from
the jeweler's association

the other day on the
Berkman jewelry robbery

and a man was in
here a few moments ago

with some jewelry that
matches the description.

Yes, Douglas.

I think he lives in Hooterville.

- I told you it was real.

- I know you told me.

- What did the man
say it was worth?

- $200,000.

There must be some explanation.

- Okay, let's hear it.

- Lisa, I've got to make a call.

- To whom?

- The Crickly Wickly people.

- Calling from where?

Hooterville?

I'll take it.

Hello?

- Hello, who's this?

- Charles Bennett.

I'm in charge of public
relations for Crickly Wickly.

- My name is Douglas.

Oliver Wendell Douglas.

I want to talk to you
about your cereal.

You see, we bought six boxes.

- Don't you think they're
a great improvement

over our Fudley Wudlies?

- I don't...

Look, I want to talk to
you about the prizes.

You see, we found some jewelry.

- Jewelry?

(laughs) We don't put
any jewelry in our cereal.

Just baseball
cards, plastic ducks,

and an occasional
back scratcher.

- We found jewelry.

$200,000 worth.

- 200.

One moment, please.

Ms. Travis, where did you
say this call was coming from?

Hooterville?

Do they have a
fruitcake farm there?

(audience laughs)

Thank you.

Hello?

You still there?

- Yes, I'm still here.

- I was afraid of that.

- What?

- Now, about this jewelry
you claim was found

in our Dinky Inkies.

- We found them
in a Crickly Wickly.

- $200,000 worth?

- Yes.

My wife found a six
carat diamond ring

and a diamond wristwatch.

And Eb, my hired hand,

found an emerald bracelet
and sapphire earrings,

and Arnold found a diamond
choker that's worth $80,000.

- Lucky Arnold.

He must be dancing with joy.

- Well, he can't dance.

He's a pig.

- That's a p-i-g, pig?

- Well, what other
kind is there?

Now, the reason I'm calling
is to find out what I should do.

- Well, for one thing, the
next time you have our cereal,

just put milk on it.

- I didn't eat any
of your cereal.

- Oh, you just drank the sauce.

(audience laughs)

- Look, I called
you in good face.

Good fate.

Faith.

- You're getting a
little blurry there, Jack.

(audience laughs)

- I'll ask you once more.

Do you know anything
about the jewelry

we found in your cereal?

- No, I don't.

- Then, goodbye.

- There are more
ding-a-lings that eat our cereal.

Now, just a moment.

You can't...
- Chicago police.

- We got a report that
some stolen jewelry

was stashed in your grain bin.

Now, we just went through
it, but they ain't there.

- That's strange.

I just had a call
from a man who said

he found some jewelry
in our Crickly Wicklys.

- Oh?

Where'd he call from?

- I believe it was Hooterville.

I better call him back.

- That won't be necessary.

We'll take care of it.

- We better get going.

- Not that way, stupid.

We'll take care of it.

- Oliver, why do we have
to talk to Mr. Drucker?

Why can't we just
keep the jewels?

- Because obviously they got
into those packages by mistake.

- Oh.

- Mr. Drucker, I
came in to ask you.

- Oh, I was just
trying these on.

Got 'em in a box
of Crickly Wicklys.

- We'll take 12 more boxes.

- I'm sorry, they're all gone.

When people found out about
the prizes, they cleaned me out.

I don't know how they can afford

to give away such
expensive gifts.

These earrings must've
cost at least a dollar.

- I'd say they're worth 5,000.

- What?

- These are real diamonds.

- Diamonds?

Oh, doggone it.

Do you see 'em?

- Yes, that pickle
is wearing one.

No, no.

Not that one,
the one next to it.

- Mr. Drucker, where do these
boxes of cereal come from?

- [Lisa] There it is.

- Mr. Drucker, would you
please answer my question?

- What is your question?

- I'm not talking to you.

- What are you looking for, Sam?

- His earrings fell
in the pickle barrel.

- Oh.

Why don't you have
your ears pierced?

Then they wouldn't
fall off so easily.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Kimball, if you're...

- Say, that sure is a
nice looking pickle.

How much you want for it?

- You can have it.

- Nah, I don't like pickles.

(audience laughs)

- What'd you do that for?

- Look, about the cereal boxes.

- What cereal?

- I was talking to Sam.

- Oh.

That's him with his
head in a pickle barrel.

- [Sam] I got one.

- Yeah.

Hey, Sam.

- You dimwit.

This guy wants to talk to ya.

What did you say your name was?

- Mr. Kimball.

- Mr. Kimball?

Boy, he's got the
same name as me.

- Hank, why don't you
go count coffee beans?

- Oh, it'll be a pleasure.

Well, not a pleasure.

- Go count 'em.

- Mr. Drucker, I
have to talk to you.

- Oh, I do that for
you Mr. Drucker.

- I want to show you something.

- One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine.

10, 11, 12,

13, 14, 15.

- Holy Toledo.

Where'd you get all that?

- The same place
you got the earrings.

In the cereal.

- Oliver?

- Oh, did you find my earrings?

- No, my ring fell in.

- Oh, for the love of.

- 26, 27, 28, 29, 30.

- Mr. Kimball, could
you count quietly.

- Oh, I thought you wanted
me to count the coffee beans.

24, 25.

- Mr. Drucker, I just spoke to

the Crickly Wickly people and...
- Hi, Sam.

- Hi, Clyde.

- And who do those belong to?

- Mr. Douglas.

- Oh?

- Mr. Douglas, this is
our sheriff Clyde Prentice.

- Good, how do you do?

- You're under arrest.

- What?

- Oliver, hold this.

- Lisa, I don't have the...

- What are you wearing that for?

- He's under arrest.

- What for?

- For suspicion
of grand larceny.

- What did he grand larson?

- Those.

They fit the description
of the stolen merchandise

from the Berkman Jewelry
Company in Chicago.

- Sheriff, I...

- May I remind you, Mr. Douglas,

anything you may say
may be used against you.

- Clam up, Oliver, until
I get you a mousepiece.

- I am a mousepiece,
or a lawyer.

- Make a run for it, Oliver.

I'll throw the net
over his head.

- Lisa, please.

- And just who are you?

- I am the wife of
the grand larson.

- Well, maybe you
better come along, too.

- Where are my handcuffs?

- Oh, I don't think
you'll try and get away.

- I always do.

(audience laughs)

- Lisa.

Sheriff, you're
making a mistake.

- Would you mind coming along?

And if I do make a mistake,

it won't be the first
one I've made in my life.

Now, come along.

- I want my ring.

- [Clyde] Come on.

- 291, 292, 293.

- Hank.

- 294, 295, 296.

- Hank?

- Yes?

Oh, where'd Mr. And
Mrs. Douglas go?

- They were arrested.

- Oh.

- 297, 298, 299, 300.

- All right, let's go
over this once more.

Why don't you two
tell me the truth?

Where did you get that jewelry?

- Well, you see we
were onboard ship.

And while I was
entertaining the captain,

my husband went
through all the state rooms.

- Lisa.

- Well, we told them
the other story 12 times

and they didn't believe us.

I thought they might
like this one better.

- Tell us once more.

- Okay.

We were onboard ship.

- Not that one, the other one.

- This morning I
came into the kitchen.

- And he gave me
a two pants kiss.

- We're not interested
in your sex life.

- Why not?

- You opened a box of cereal.

What was in it?

- Crickly Wicklys.

- Besides those.

- The diamond wristwatch.

- And then your hired
hand opened a box

and he found that
emerald bracelet.

- I thought you wanted
us to tell the story.

- Then, tell it.

- Well, you see, we
were on this ship.

- One more time and
I'm locking you up.

Go ahead.

- Look, I opened a box of cereal

and I found a
picture of Yogi Berra.

- Then what?

- Well.

- Then, I opened a box
and I found a diamond ring.

And then Eb opened a box
and found sapphire earrings.

- And then I opened
one and got a picture of...

- [Both] Yogi Berra.

- Right.

- Mr. Douglas, doesn't
it seem strange to you

that everybody
else found jewelry

and all you got was two
Yogi Berra baseball cards?

- Well, you know the old saying.

Lucky in love, unlucky
in opening cereal boxes.

(audience laughs)

- I'm not the only one
that got Yogi Berra.

Mrs. Ziffel got one, too.

- Oh, I thought
Mrs. Ziffel found this.

- No, Arnold found that.

- And who is Arnold?

- He's the Ziffel's pig.

- Oh, he opened
the package himself?

- Yes.

He does lots of things.

He turns on the TV, he rides
a bicycle, he goes to school.

- This is a pig
you're talking about?

- Yes.

Mrs. Ziffel can't do
any of those things.

- And you claim that
this belongs to the pig.

- That's right.

- And you stole it from him.

- No.

He came over to
trade a bracelet he got

for a pair of earrings
to go with the choker.

- Oh, boy.

- Then, what did you do?

- I took the jewelry up
to the jeweler in Pixley.

- And tried to sell it.

- You didn't tell me that part.

- He said I tried to sell it.

- How does he know?

- Look, all I did
was get it appraised.

I didn't believe it was real.

- Oh, come now, Mr. Douglas.

You certainly must've
thought it was real

when you took all that
trouble to blow the safe.

- You didn't tell
me that part either.

- I didn't blow any safe.

I didn't steal any jewelry.

I found it where I said I did.

- It'll be asy to
check your story.

We'll call the Cuckly
Wuckly company.

- Crackly Whackly,
uh, Kookly Wook.

Huntly Brinkly.

- He'll get around to it.

- Crickly Wickly.

- I told you.

- Get 'em on the phone.

- Just a second.

There's no point
in calling them.

I already did.

- And what'd they say?

- Well, they said...
- Yes?

- Well, how could they tell
on the phone if I was drunk?

I mean.

- Well, I always could tell.

- I don't blame you
for getting drunk.

You made a pretty
nice haul there.

- Look, I know my rights.

Now, either you...
- Sheriff Prentice?

- Yes.

- Chicago police.

- Nice to meet you, Deputy.

- Hello there.

I am Lisa Douglas and
this is my husband, Oliver.

What can we do for you?

- Mrs. Douglas, please.

Now, what can I
do for you fellas?

- Looks like you've
already done it.

That's the loot from
the Berkman heist.

Where did you get it?

- We've been
trying to tell them.

We found it in the cereal.

- Now, if you
don't like that story,

we have another one
where we were on the ship

and I was entertaining
the captain and...

- Quiet.

- This man's right.

According to our investigation,

the crooks stashed the loot
in a bin at the cereal factory

and it got packed in
the boxes by mistake.

- I'll be doggone.

- I told you.

Now, are we free to go or would
you like to have me sue you?

(playful music)
(Arnold grunting)

- Hey, what do you
think you're doing?

- That belongs to him.

- It does not.

- It does, too.

- Don't tell me.

That choker was one
of the very first things

we took out of the safe.

- Big mouth!

- Don't move, I got ya covered.

- I emptied out all the
pickles, dumped out the brine,

but your ring isn't in there.

- It has to be.

- No, it doesn't.

I just remembered.

I wasn't wearing
it this morning.

I left it on the sink when
I was washing dishes.

- Lisa, Mr. Drucker ruined
a whole barrel of pickles.

- Oh, don't worry about 'em.

They're plastic.

- Plastic pickles?

- I just keep 'em
there for city folks.

They kind of expect
to see a pickle barrel

in a general store.

Gotta keep up our
backwood appearance.

- Yes, I guess you...
- [Sam] Oh, hi Clyde.

- Hello, Sam.

- [Lisa] Hello there, Sheriff.

- Hello, folks.

I've been looking
all over for you two.

I wanted to apologize
for doubting your story.

- Oh, that's all right, Sheriff.

We understand.

- Thanks.

Now, if you'll both come
along with me please,

I want to take you
in for questioning.

- What for?

I thought you said
you believed our story.

- About the cereal.

It's the other story I
want to talk to you about.

I got a flyer from
Interpol about this couple

that are wanted for working
transatlantic steamers.

Seems that she
entertains the captain

while he goes through
the state rooms.

- My wife just
made up that story.

- Can we discuss it
down at headquarters?

- Well, I'll be.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat theme music)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.