Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 12 - How to Get from Hooterville to Pixley Without Moving - full transcript

After Oliver orders the Monroe brothers to finish work on the bedroom, they confess that they never got a building permit. Oliver storms off to get one himself, only to discover his barn is in Hooterville, but his house is in Pixley. Haney, who sold them the farm, offers to hook a rope to the house and pull it to Hooterville with his truck. Meanwhile, the locals turn on Oliver for having "moved" to Pixley. Fed up, he has the farm re-surveyed and gets even worse news.

(funky music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife



♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(funky music)

(rooster crowing)

(upbeat music)

- Time to get up.

- Five more minutes, Harvey.

(laughing)

- Harvey?

Lisa!

- Who are you?

- I'm your husband!

- You shot Harvey!

- Who's Harvey?



- The fella I was
dreaming about.

- Who is he?

- I don't know

- Then why were you
dreaming about him?

- Well, it just seemed
like a good idea.

(laughing)

Would you mind getting my robe?

What was your name again?

(laughing)

- Claude.

- And you say your
a friend of Harvey's?

- Where's your robe?

- In the closet.

(light music)

(grunting)

- This darn thing!

(light music)

(crashing)

Of all the stupid!

Would you look at that!

- Just like Harvey said, Claude,

you have a rotten temper.

(laughing)

- Please, Lisa, don't bug me.

Those Monroe Brothers,

they've been working on
this bedroom for a year,

and look at it!

- Where are you going?

- To call them!

(phone ringing)

(funky music)

(knocking)

- Keep your shirt on!

(screaming)

Oh, it's you.

I thought it was
the guy next door.

(laughing)

- Funny, what'd
you wake me up for?

- Well, the phone's ringing.

(funky music)

(knocking)

- Why don't you answer it?

- Today's Tuesday, I
always sleep in on Tuesday.

(funky music)

- Monroe Brothers,
Master Carpenters.

- Which one of the
master carpenters is this?

- Well, which one
do you wanna talk to?

- Either one.

- Just a second.

(laughing)

- Hello?

Hello?

(knocking)

- It's for you.

(laughing)

- Hello.

- Who is this?

- Alf Monroe, who's this?

- Mr. Douglas!

- Oh, good morning,
Mr. Douglas, what can I...

- Is that the Mr. Douglas?

- Yeah.

- I didn't recognize his voice.

- Hello, hello?

- Hello there, sweetie pie.

(laughing)

- Is this Ralph?

- Does Alf ever call
you sweetie pie?

(laughing)

- Look, Ralph, I want
you and your brother

to come over here right away.

- I'm a mess, it'll take me

at least an hour
to be presentable.

- It'll take five hours.

- Would you like a fat lip?

- What?

- I wasn't talking
to you, sweetie.

- Ralph, will you
and Alf get over here

as quickly as you can?

- I'll fly there on
the wings of love!

(laughing)

(funky music)

- Mr. Douglas?

- Yoohoo, sweetie pie!

- Oh, you made it.

I didn't think you'd show up.

- Yours is but to command.

We're at your beck and call.

- You tell em, Beck.

- Thank you, Call.

- Oh, brother.

Would you mind
stepping into the bedroom?

- Sure, don't wait for me, Alf.

- Both of you, in!

- Don't get uptight, Claude.

(light music)

- Well, hello there!

- Howdy doody!

- Hi, Mrs. Douglas.

- Now, look you two...

- Oh, could you hand
me the tennis racket?

- Yes, ma'am.

- The reason.

(smacking)

What are you doing?

- De-lumping the bed.

(smacking)

- That's a pillow.

- Well, then what
is it doing up here?

- How do I know?

- Boy, Claude sure
has a rotten temper.

- Thanks to you!

- What did we do?

- Look at that door!

(laughing)

- What's wrong with it?

- It's supposed to
be on the closet.

- Then why'd you
put it in the wall?

(laughing)

- It flew off the track!

- Could I have my tennis racket?

- No!

Do you know what the date is?

- No, my calendar
watch stopped yesterday.

(laughing)

- It's exactly one year

since you started
building this bedroom.

- It's our anniversary!

- Hey, this calls
for a celebration.

- You wanna take
us out to dinner?

(laughing)

- No, I don't!

- Well, why can't I
have my tennis racket?

- Lisa, please.

- Now, about this
anniver (clears throat)

about our bedroom.

- Have we settled where
we're gonna have dinner?

(laughing)

It oughta be some place fancy.

- There's a wonderful
restaurant on 58th Street

right off Fifth Avenue.

- Let's go formal.

(laughing)

- Alright, I've got
a brand new...

- May I say something?

- Yeah, but make it short,

I've gotta have my hair done.

(laughing)

- I'll make it short and sweet.

- Here that, Short?

- Heard it, Sweet.

(laughing)

- There is not going
to be any celebration!

- You're just going
to play tennis all day?

(laughing)

- I'm not playing tennis!

- Then may I have my racket?

- No.

Do you realize it's been a year

since you started this bedroom

and you haven't finished it?

- How can we finish it

if you keep ramming
doors into the wall?

(laughing)

- They've got a
point there, Oliver.

- Lisa, keep out of this.

Now, look, I want
this bedroom finished,

and if it isn't, I'm gonna
take you into court

and sue you for
abrogating our agreement

plus the time and
aggravation you've caused me.

Now, have I made myself clear?

- About everything
except the tennis racket.

(laughing)

- Oh, here.

Go beat the bed.

- Can we get paid
when we finish it?

- Of course, unless you
want some money in advance.

- Well, we could use a few...

- You are not getting a nickel

until you've done the work

and it's passed inspection.

- Who's gonna inspect it?

- The building inspector.

- Uh oh.

- What does that mean?

- Uh, well, you tell him, Ralph.

- No, you tell him.

- No, you tell him, he
wouldn't hit a woman.

- Oh, yes he would.

(laughing)

- No, I wouldn't.

- Well, Mr. Douglas,
they won't inspect it

because, well, we forgot
to get a permit to build it.

- You forgot to get a permit?

Of all the stupid, idiotic...

- Keep your cool, we'll get one.

- I'll get it.

Now, you just get to work!

And I don't want any
more shilly-shallying!

- You hear that, Shilly?

- Heard it, Shally!

(laughing)

(smacking)

(light music)

- Oliver, don't walk so fast!

- Lisa, you didn't
have to come with me.

- Oh, yes I did.

Otherwise, you'd
get into trouble

and hit somebody and get mad,

and then I have
to come down here

to bail you out anyway.

- I'm not gonna
get into any trouble.

(light music)

- This reminds me of the place

where we got out
wedding license.

- Wedding license?

- No, we're not here...

- You just fill out these forms.

Name, address, and,

oh, have you had
your blood tests?

- Yes, and they
came out very good.

- That's fine.

And how were yours, sir?

(laughing)

- What do you mean how were...

- This question wasn't on the
one that we had in New York.

- We're a lot stricter here
than they are in New York.

You see, marriage
is a serious...

- I don't want to get married!

- He has the
pre-marital wim-wam.

They all get them.

Take him down to the saloon
and pour a few belts into him,

and he'll come trotting back
with the same stupid smile

on his face that they all get.

(laughing)

- If you're all finished, I'll
tell you what I came in for.

I wanna get a permit
to build a bedroom.

- Before you're married?

(laughing)

- Oh, we are married!

- You can't be,
you look too happy.

- What about the
building permit?

- Certainly, where do you live?

- In Hooterville.

- Hooterville, Hooterville.

(humming)

Ah, here we are!

(blowing)

These are copies of all
the original building plans.

Now, do you have an address?

- No, no, it's called
the Old Haney Place.

- Oh, Haney Place, Haney Place.

(humming)

Ah, here we are!

(blowing)

Now, you wanna add a
bedroom onto your barn.

- No, onto the house.

- What house?

- The house we live in.

- These plans
don't show a house.

- You must be
living in the barn.

- That's what I
keep telling him.

(laughing)

- We're living in a house.

The barn is here,
the house is here.

- Oh, well that explains why
this doesn't show a house.

This is the Hooterville book.

We'll have to get
the Pixley book.

- Why?

- Well, you see, this
is the boundary line.

Now, your barn is
here in Hooterville,

but your house is in Pixley.

- You mean we live in Pixley?

- No, we live in Hooterville.

- Not according to this.

- Look, our mail is
delivered in Hooterville.

Isn't that right, Lisa?

- Right.

- And we pay
taxes in Hooterville.

- Right.

- We vote in Hooterville.
- Right.

- So, we live in Hooterville.

- Wrong.

(laughing)

- Lisa, will you...

- That's what he said, right?

- Right.

- So, if he's right,
you're wrong.

Right?

- Wrong!

- Right!

- Look, all I want is a
building permit for bedroom!

Can you take
care of that for me?

- Certainly.

If you'll just fill
out this form.

- Do we have to
take another blot test?

- He might, but not you.

(laughing)

(light music)

(banging)

- Is this straight?

- Yeah!

- Well, don't seem so surprised,

I've nailed stuff
up straight before.

(laughing)

How's your door coming?

- It's ready for testing.

(door opening)

(laughing)

(gun shots)

- Who's shooting?
- The TV!

(laughing)

When you click
this, it opens the door

and turns the set
on at the same time.

(laughing)

- Hey, that's great!

I think you invented something!

Turn it off.

(door closing)

You're a genius!

- I got the idea from
our garage door.

I got the unit from
our garage door, too.

- What do you want
to give it to him for?

- We'll soak him for it.

- Soak him for what?

(laughing)

- Well, howdy doody!

- How do you like it?

- Oh, it looks pretty good!

Well, can you do the
whole bedroom like that?

- You know it, tootsie.

- Did you get the
permit, tootsie?

(laughing)

- Right here.

Now you have no excuse
for not finishing the bedroom.

- No, we, hey,
there's a mistake!

- Where?

- This is a Pixley
building permit.

- Oh, oh, well, when they
checked the original plans,

they discovered that
the house is in Pixley.

- Pixley?!

Pack up your tools, Ralph.

- Okay, Alf.

(muttering)

- What are you doing?!

- We can't work in Pixley!

- We belong to Local 602,

the Amalgamated
Carpenters Union.

- So?

- 602's a Hooterville Local.

- Pixley's Local 922.

We can't work
in their territory.

- But I want you to
finish the bedroom!

- Well, then why did
you move to Pixley?

- I didn't move!

- If you ever move back
to Hooterville, call us!

(upbeat music)

- Of all the stupid!

I tell you, those Monroe
Brothers are gonna,

what, do you have
to sweep the ceiling?

(laughing)

- Why did Alf and Ralph leave?

- Oh, they claim they
can't work in this house

because it's in Pixley.

- Well, I told you
not to move here.

(laughing)

- I didn't!

(knocking)

- I'll get it.

(funky music)

- Hello, there!

- Are you Mrs. Douglas?
- Yes.

- My name is Clement, and well,

I'm Chairman of the Pixley
Hospitality Committee.

And well, I've just learned
that you've moved to Pixley,

and I'd like to present you
with this bag of groceries.

- Oh, well, thank you!

Oliver, look what we
got for moving to Pixley.

A bag of groceries!

- We didn't move to Pixley.

- Quiet.

You brought a grocery.

(laughing)

- Well, look, we
don't want these.

- Oh, well, no!

This is your bag!

- No, no, his bag
is yelling at people.

(laughing)

Excuse me.

- Lisa, give it!

Look, we didn't
just move to Pixley.

We've lived here
for three years!

- You have?
- Yes.

- Well, that's interesting.

There's, well, there's
no record of you

having paid your taxes.

- Oh, I've paid them.

(laughing)

- Oh no you haven't.

If you had, I'd
have a record of it.

I'm also the Pixley
Tax Assessor.

- Oh, no, no, I've paid
them to Hooterville.

- Oh, well, you really
should've paid them to us.

(chuckling)

- Well, that's three years
at 320 dollars a year,

that'll be (muttering)

oh, 960 dollars.

- They were only 140
a year in Hooterville.

- You should've
thought about that

before you moved to Pixley.

(laughing)

- I didn't move to Pixley!

- May we expect your check
within the next three days?

- No, you may not
expect my check!

- Oh, you're on your
yelling bag again.

- I have a right to!

He wants me to send
him a check for 960 dollars!

- I thought the
groceries were free!

- Well, they are.

The 960 dollars is for taxes.

- Well, I thought taxes was

a very rich place
with our value.

(laughing)

- Why did I have
to marry somebody

who hears everything
with an accent?

(laughing)

- Where are you going?

- To call Haney!

He never said anything
about the house being in Pixley!

- Oliver, calm down!

- I am calm!

What happened to
the telephone pole?!

- Oh, the Hooterville Phone
Company took it away.

They ain't allowed to
service Pixley residents.

- I'm not a Pixley resident.

- Then why did they
give us a Pixley bag?

- Of all the!

(screaming)

- Don't get mad at
them, it's your own fault!

You never should've
moved to Pixley.

(funky music)

- Hello there, Mr. Drucker.
- Hi.

- Good afternoon, folks.

Dog gone, Mr. Douglas,
I thought you liked us.

- I do.

- Then why'd you move to Pixley?

(laughing)

- Mr. Drucker, I'm tired
of everybody saying

I moved to Pixley.

- Well, you should've
thought of that

before you moved
out of Hooterville.

- Well, that's a switch.

(laughing)

- Is there any mail for me?

- I wouldn't know.

I had all your mail re-routed
to the Pixley Post Office.

(laughing)

- Oh, for the love of...

- By the way, don't forget
to change your zip code.

Pixley's 96344821756.

- I'm not...
- Hooterville's 3.

(laughing)

- Oh, Oliver, we
should've stayed here.

They have a lower zipper code.

- Zipper cod.

I mean, a zip...
- No, no, zip code.

We pronounce it different
here in Hooterville.

(laughing)

- I know how to pronounce...

- Oh, before I forget,

I've got a non-resident
tax bill here for you.

- What's this for?

- Well, since
you live in Pixley,

but work on your farm,
which is in Hooterville,

we've gotta charge you a
non-resident working tax.

- That's the most stupid...

- We like people who
work here to live here.

- I do live here!

- Then why is he charging
you a non-president tax?

- I am not paying
his non-president,

his non-resident tax!

I'm not paying any taxes
to anybody anywhere!

(laughing)

- He's been like this ever
since we moved to Pixley.

(laughing)

(light music)

- Do you see what I see?

- It depends, what do you see?

- That!

(laughing)

Who did that?!

- I didn't!

I was with you!

- Eb!

- Oliver!

All our stuff!

- I know, Eb!

Whoever did this is gonna...

- [Eb] Hi, Mr. Douglas!

- I've been calling you,
where have you been?

- I was in the barn.

It's a long walk from
Hooterville to Pixley.

(laughing)

- Eb, who moved all
these things out here?

- I did!

- Why?

- Well, the sign explains.

Oh, I covered it up.

(laughing)

- These promises commanded.

- No, condemned.

And who condemned
these promises?

Who commended the premises?

- There was a fella here from
the Pixley Building Authority.

He said this house is
too dangerous to live in.

- He's right.

- We've lived here for three
years and nothing's happened.

- That's what I told him, and
he said you were just lucky.

- He's right.

- He's not right.

- The reason he
commended these promises

is because this structure
doesn't meet the standards

of the Pixley Building Code.

- He's right.

- If you don't stop
saying he's right.

Why did they wait three
years to condemn it?

- Because you just
moved to Pixley!

(laughing)

- Eb, I want you to
move all the furniture

back in the house!

- What for?

You can't live in a house

without water,
gas, or electricity.

- What?

- Hooterville has
disconnected you, utility wise.

- Oliver, where are
we going to stay?

- We're gonna stay right here!

Nobody's gonna.

(honking)

(funky music)

- Howdy, folks!

(funky music)

Well, having a
sidewalk furniture sale?

I guess things ain't
going too good for you

since you moved here to Pixley.

(laughing)

- Mr. Haney, this
whole thing is your fault.

- He's right.

- I am not!

I mean, he's, (laughing)

Lisa, will you let me
handle this thing now.

- Just how much you
want for everything?

- I don't want anything for it.

- You mean you're
just giving it away?

Eb, do you mind giving me a hand

and load this on the truck?

- Yes, sir!

(laughing)

(groaning)

- This goes back into the house!

Mr. Haney, you sold
me this farm, didn't you?

- Right.

- Well, when you sold me this.

- You don't get mad at
him when he says right.

- Right!

- Will you two.

(exhales)

Look, when I bought this
place, you misrepresented it.

- How so?

- By telling me that the
whole thing was in Hooterville!

- Mr. Douglas, when
I sold you this place,

I just sold you a house,
a barn, and the land.

I didn't say where anything was.

- When you buy a
farm in Hooterville,

you assume that the
house is in Hooterville.

- Maybe you do, but I
always read the fine print.

(laughing)

- Well, you're going to
be reading some fine print

on the summons that I'm go...

- Now, let's not
get our nasties up.

(laughing)

If you don't wanna
live in Pixley,

I think I can solve
your problem.

- How so?

Please, Mr. Haney.

Haney House Moving.

- Now, if you will just tie
one end of this to your house,

I'll tie the other
end to my truck,

and we'll drag you across
the line into Hooterville.

(laughing)

- I'm not having my
house dragged anywhere.

This house stays right here.

- Mr. Douglas,
now, to be truthful.

- You dare to use that word!

(laughing)

- I really thought that this
house was in Hooterville.

But I guess somebody
made a mistake

when they re-surveyed
the county, 10 years ago.

- I certainly hope
so, for your sake.

(funky music)

There has to be an error!

- No, sir.

There's your farm,
there's your barn.

- And where's my house?

- In the other book.

- But when I
bought the property,

I had a title search
made it show

that the whole thing
was in Hooterville!

- Title searches have
been known to be wrong.

- So have maps!

- Well, if you'd care to have
your property re-surveyed.

- I'd love to.

(screaming)

(funky music)

- Hello, there!

- Good morning.

- What are you looking at?

- That stick he's holding.

- Oh!

You're a stick looker.

- I'm a surveyor.

- Oh, could I
look through the...

- Please, lady, don't
touch the transit!

- Well, you touched it!

- I'm allowed to touch
it, I'm the stick looker!

The surveyor!

(laughing)

(groaning)

Please, I have just one
more calculation to make.

- What is a calculation?

(laughing)

- It's a...
- Oh, how are you getting along?

- Oh, he has just one
more cocka-salation to do.

(laughing)

- Cocka-slation?

- Well, I'll explain it
to you how it works.

You see, he is a stick looker,

and he looks
through the transum,

and then he makes
his cocka-slation.

- Oh, that's the
way it's done, huh?

- Well, Mr. Douglas,
I'm through.

Very interesting.

There was a mistake
on the other survey.

- Ah-ha!

- You were right.

Your house is in Hooterville.

- I knew it!

- It's your barn
that's in Pixley.

(laughing)

- Are you sure?

- Yes, sir.

- How about that,
we're back in Hooterville.

- Just a second, Lisa.

The house is in Hooterville,

the barn is in Pixley,

that means the
farm is in Pixley.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, good.

- No, the farm is in
Crabwell Corners.

(laughing)

- Oh, for...

- I'd better call
Crabwell Corners

and see if they give you a bag.

(laughing)

- Please, not on the transit!

(funky music)

- I can't believe it, I
just can't believe it!

- Well, I can believe it.

When we first moved here,

you said you were
going to make a success

out of this farm, and you have.

And now you are spread
out over three towns.

(laughing)

- Lisa, I'm in no mood.

Why don't you watch the TV.

- Will you turn it on?

(clicking)

(door opening)

(laughing)

Why did you open the door?

- I didn't open the door.

(intense music)

- The set is on.

I don't want to see a
cowboy movie, turn it off.

(clicking)

(laughing)

- Those stupid Monroe Brothers!

They hooked the door up to this.

- Oh, you mean we can only
watch TV when the door is open?

- Those idiots!

(banging)

(sizzling)

(laughing)

- Oliver, what are
we going to do?!

- We're gonna
move back to Pixley.

Life was much less
complicated there!

(laughing)

(funky music)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways Presentation, darling.