Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 11 - The Blue Feather - full transcript

Lisa's convinced that Hungarian gypsies have placed a curse on her when she receives a dreaded blue feather in the mail. To "de-hexify" her, Haney sells Lisa a ridiculous recipe that she ...

(upbeat happy music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife



♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(upbeat happy music)

(car honking)

- Lisa, I've been
waiting for you.

- I'm not going.

- But you're the one that
wanted to go to Druckers.

- But that was before I
found out what today is.

- What is today?

- Tuesday the 12th,
which is a very unlucky day.

- Unlucky?

- Well you've heard
of Friday the 13th,

Tuesday the 12th
is just as unlucky,

only in Hungary.



- Oh Lisa, are you starting

with those silly
Hungarian superstitions?

- It isn't silly, Tuesday
the 12th is very unlucky

and if I go to Druckers
something bad

is going to happen to me.

- Nothing is going
to happen to you.

Come on, let's go.

- Why, oh, on one condition.

- What?

- If you wear your hat sideways.

- What?

- Well that's the only way to
be safe on Tuesday the 12th.

(audience laughs)

- How's that?

- You look lucky.

- All right.

- Wait, wait a minute.

You've got to start
with your left foot.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat happy music)

- Good morning, Mr. Drucker.

- Oh, good morning mister.

Mr. Douglas, you've
got your hat on sideways.

- It's Tuesday, the 12th.

- Oh.

- It's a very unlucky
day in Hungary,

but if you wear
your hat sideways

it keeps away the bad luck.

- Well, maybe that'll stop it.

- Stop what?

- I got a twinge in my back

when I picked up a
mail sack this morning.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Is there any mail for us?

- Just a letter
for Mrs. Douglas.

- Who's it from?

- I don't know, I don't
recognize the typewriting.

- Mr. Drucker we've got
a pretty long shopping list.

Oliver! (speaks in
foreign language)

- It looks like a
blue feather to me.

- That's what it is
only in Hungarian.

Oh, I told you
something terrible

is going to happen to me today!

- Oh, Lisa.

- Oliver, Oliver I
got the blue feather

take me home in a hurry.

- Lisa. (sighs)

(upbeat happy music)

Lisa, will you please
tell me why you're

so frightened about
that blue feather?

- I'll tell you in the house.

It isn't safe out here.

(door slams)

(audience laughs)

- Lisa!

- Who is there?

- It's me.

- Who are you?

- Oliver, your husband!

- I heard that before.

(blowing raspberries)

You're out there, who
says you're my husband?

Have you got any identification?

If you do, shove
it under the door.

Well, I am waiting!

Oliver, I'm so glad you're here,

there's a fellow outside
who insists he's you.

I knew you were a fake.

- Lisa, that was me out there.

- Oh, then who are you?

- Sit down.

- Is the window locked?

- Now come on, sit down

and put yourself together.

Now what is this all about?

- Well you see, well
maybe I shouldn't tell you

because if you
knew you'll suffer.

- I don't know,
and I'm suffering.

Now what is going on?

- That blue feather?

The gypsy sent it to me.

- The gypsies?

- You know, the people
who live in the wagons

and sing and dance
with tambourines

and wear bandananas
on their head?

- I know what gypsies are, yes.

- But you don't know
what the blue feather is.

- No.

- It's like a voodoo where
they stick a pin in a doll

and then something
terrible happens to someone.

Well, the gypsies
do the same thing

only with a blue feather.

- Oh, you mean you
think that that blue feather

is to put some kind
of a hex on you.

- Something terrible is
going to happen to me.

- Oh, Lisa.

- No, don't touch me.

You might catch it.

- Catch what?

- Well, whatever
they're going to give me.

- Oh, here we go with another
silly Hungarian superstition.

- You wouldn't say
it was silly if you saw

what happened to my uncle
after she got the blue feather.

- Your uncle, after she got...

- He used to be my aunt.

That was only the beginning.

The next thing that
happened to him was

he grew a tail.

- Lisa, I don't...

- I wonder what the gypsies
are going to do to me?

- Why should they
do anything to you?

- Well, you know that
I used to be a gypsy.

- Yes, you told me.

- But what I didn't tell you was

that when I was a gypsy I
broke the first law of the tribe.

- What was that?

- Not to break the second law.

- What was the second law?

- Not to tell anybody
what the first law was.

- And you told somebody.

- Yes I did.

Well I didn't meant
to but know how it is

when you're in the beauty parlor

and you sit under the dryer

and the woman is
next to you and you...

- Oh yes, yes, I
know how hard it is

to keep a secret
in a beauty parlor.

- That's right.

The first time my aunt
came in with her tail

everybody knew it.

(audience laughs)

- Lisa, I presume all
this gypsy nonsense

happened a long time ago.

- When I was 16.

- Well then why
did they wait til now

to send you this blue feather?

- Well, that's the
third law of the tribe

and that one I can tell you.

They can't send
you a blue feather

until you reach the age of 23.

- Boy, have they
got a slow calendar.

- That's it, hit me
between the back

when I just got
the blue feather.

- Lisa, sweetheart, don't
you think you've gone

far enough with this fantasy?

Now why don't you forget it?

- But Oliver.

- I promise you nothing
is going to happen to you.

The gypsies won't hurt
you, you'll be perfectly safe.

- You promise?

- I promise.

- All right, all right,
then I won't worry.

- Good girl.

(loud knocking)

- Oliver!

Oliver, they're here!

- Oh, Lisa, now wait
you just got too sane

you wouldn't be fightin'.

- But Oliver, don't
open the door,

it might be them!

- Who's them?

- You know who is them.

(knocking on door)

Don't open the door.

- But I...
- First ask who it is.

- All right, who it is?!

I mean whose is it?

Whose is this?

- That's okay, I'll come
back when you're sober.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, Mr. Haney.

(bird chirping)

- Are you alone?

- Yeah, I made sure
they didn't follow me.

- Who didn't follow you?

- Them.

- Who's them?

- We know, don't
we Mrs. Douglas.

- Sure do.

- Oh for the love of.

- I'm sorry to hear
about you gettin'

a blue feather Mrs.
Douglas, terrible thing.

My aunt, he got one once.

- Oh look, Mr. Haney.

- As soon as I heard
the frightening news

I hurried right over
because I can help you

out of your dilemminia.

My card.

- Blue feather
exterminating company.

- Is that what that says?

Doggone, they must've
reprinted it while I wasn't looking.

- Who reprinted it?

- We know, don't
we Mrs. Douglas.

- We sure do.

- Mr. Haney.

- Excuse me.

(playful music)

Just de-hexifying it.

- That's...

- I'm sure glad that
my grandma Haney

left me a batch of
this de-hexing powder.

It wards off haunts, witch
curses and evil spells.

- Could you sprinkle
some of that on me?

- Gladly.

That'll be eight dollars.

- Oliver, give him
the eight dollars.

- I'm not gonna give...

- You don't care
what happens to me!

- Oh, of course I do!

- Then give him
the eight dollars.

- All right.

There you are.

- And there you are.

- Now I am safe
from the blue feather.

- You sure are.

Now I'll be back
in half an hour.

- What for?

- Another sprinkle.

The anti-hexing effect
only lasts that long

unless you want to get
the 24 hour treatment.

Now that'll cost ya $236.

(audience laughs)

- Give him the money.

- I am not giving
him any more...

- You don't care what
the gypsies do to me!

- Gypsies, you mean you got
the gypsy blue feather curse?

- That's right.

- Then that anti-hexing
powder won't work.

I'm obligated to return
your eight dollars.

- Oh, fine.

- Now, Mrs. Douglas...

- Where's my eight dollars?

- Oh, I'll have to owe it to ya.

I haven't got it on me.

- I just gave you!

- Mr. Haney, do you
have anything that will work

against the gypsy blue feather?

- No, I'm sorry.

- Good!

- On second thought, I have just

what you're looking
for on my truck.

(upbeat happy music)

- Mr. Haney, is it possible
that you sent my wife

that blue feather just to
drum up a little business?

- Mr. Douglas!

- Oliver, what a
terrible thing to say.

- Yeah, stick out your
tongue and I'll sprinkle it.

(audience laughs)

- Stay away from my tongue.

- Mr. Haney, do
you have anything?

(ominous music)

- There it is!

Guaranteed to break any hex.

You just place this
in front of your door

and you're protected for life.

- We'll take it.

- That'll be $128.

- $128!

- Each.

- Each?

- Well, you need a pair.

One for the front door
and one for the back door.

(audience laughs)

- I am not...

- Oliver, please, I
feel so safe with them.

- Oh Lisa, that's
nothing but junk!

- Junk?

(explosion booms)

- Oh!

- Now you've got
'em all riled up.

That's just for your own
protection, no charge.

- Lisa, I've heard
all I want to hear.

- But Oliver.

- That's all right, let
the non-believer go.

My grand-pappy
had the same attitude

before the gypsies
done it to him.

If he'd of only
listened to grandma

and used her all
powerful anti-hex formula.

- What's that?

- It's a secret formula
left to me by my grandma.

Now let's see, your trouble is

with the blue feather, ain't it?

- That's right.

- Now the first thing we need

is a color more
powerful than blue.

Green, now into this green bag

you put the following
anti-hex ingredients.

- A half a pint of chicken fat.

The whites of three eggs,

and a pound of sauerkraut.

(audience laughs)

And a small package
of cream cheese.

That ought to be everything.

- What are you making,
a sauerkraut cheesecake?

(audience laughs)

- No, it is an anti-blue
feather formula

I got from Mr. Haney.

You see, you have
to put it in green

because green is
more powerful than blue.

- Oh, yeah.

- There we are.

- I should have remembered
that from college, ew.

(upbeat happy music)

- Oliver.

- What?

- Oliver would you
please hang this

on the post on the
front porch for me?

- What for?

- To keep the
blue feathers away.

- Oh, when the sun hits
this it'll keep everything away.

- Oh, hang it up high so it
will work on a tall gypsy too.

- Why don't you
just throw it away?

- After I paid Mr. Haney
$132 for the formula?

- You paid him...

- Oliver, please,
hang it up for me.

- All right, but that's the
last I want to hear about this.

Of all the stupid, $132 for...

- Howdy, Mr. Douglas, I uh,

say if you're gonna
carry a green handbag

you oughta have green shoes.

(audience laughs)

- Look, Eb.

- You wearing that
new sauerkraut cologne?

- No, the sauerkraut's in here

along with the chicken
fat and the whites of eggs.

- And a small package
of cream cheese?

- Yes.

- And you're gonna
hang it up there?

- Yes.

- Holy smoke, I'm leavin'.

- What do you
mean you're leaving?

- Just mail me what you owe me.

- But Eb!

- I'll send for my clothes.

- What's the...

- Doggone, you've gone
and done it to Hooterville.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat happy music)

And Mr. Douglas hung
the green handbag

with all that stuff in it
right on his front porch!

- Well suppose he did,
what does that mean?

- It means we're gonna
have 45 days of drought.

- Oh, of all the superstitions.

- I know what I'm talkin' about.

We're gonna have
45 days of drought.

- We are?

Boy, better call Washington

and have everybody
fill their bathtubs.

(audience laughs)

- Hank, there isn't
gonna be any drought.

- I'm sorry to
disagree with ya Sam,

but I just got the word.

- From who?

- I was over to
Sam Drucker's store

and I heard this fella say
there was gonna be a drought.

- This is Sam Drucker's store.

- It is?

Well I guess you
heard about it too, huh?

- Eb just said it.

- Said what?

- That there's
gonna be a drought.

- I guess everybody
knows about it.

- Hank, Eb just came
in here with a silly story

about Mr. Douglas
hangin' a green handbag

on his front porch
claiming it's a hex.

- It is, now it won't
rain for 45 days.

- I thought you said there
was gonna be a drought.

- Drought, hogwash.

- No, if we have a
drought you won't be able

to have your hog washed.

- Hank, be sensible.

No, let me put that another way.

Just because Mr. Douglas
hung a green handbag on his...

- It's not just the green bag.

It's what he put in it.

Chicken fat, the
whites of three eggs,

sauerkraut and cream cheese.

- No raisins?

- No if you put raisins
in it, that'll make it hail.

- That's right.

- Right!?

- Of course, have
you ever heard of

the raisin and the
cream cheese hail hex?

- No, just the
sauerkraut drought hex.

- You may think it's
funny Mr. Drucker

but once back home
when Mr. Hotmeister

got mad at the town he
went to see this old Indian lady

and she told him to
hang up a green bag

on his front porch
with all that stuff in it

and they had 45 days of drought.

- Well, I guess that proves it.

- It doesn't prove anything.

- Look Sam, I've been a
county agent for a long time.

I've seen a lot of
strange things happen.

I remember the time
when the seven year locusts

showed up three
years early just because

Mrs. Miller put on
her corset inside out.

Or was that Mr. Miller?

- Of all the dang...

- We gotta do somethin'.

- About what?

- Mr. Douglas' drought hex.

- Well just what do you suggest?

- Well the way my grandma
licked Mr. Hotmeister's hex

was to come up
with an anti-hex hex.

(audience laughs)

- What do we need that for, Eb?

- Well grandma's theory
was to neutralize the stuff

in the green handbag.

So we need counteracting stuff.

- Well, that sounds
logical to me.

Does that sound
logical to you, Sam?

- Look Hank, I'm gonna.

- Let's see, what would be

a good neutralizer
for the cream cheese?

(fingers snapping)
How about jelly?

- Fine, jar of jelly Sam.

- What flavor?

- How about currant, that
oughta start the water flowing.

- Now what would neutralize
the half pound of chicken fat?

- How about some goose liver?

Half pound of goose liver, Sam.

- I don't have any goose liver.

How about a can of shoe polish?

- Sam, if you can't
get in the spirit

of this thing, stay out of it.

What next?

- We need a good
counteracter for sauerkraut.

- How about bicarb of soda?

- Now you're
getting with it Sam.

(audience laughs)

- We can counteract the
egg whites with egg yolks.

Then we mix it all
together and add

three hairs from a cow's tail.

- What's that for?

- To give it body.

(audience laughs)

- That sounds logical to me.

Does that sound...
- No it doesn't!

- Now we need
something to put it in.

Hey, this red
handbag will be perfect.

- I like the yellow one better.

I got earrings to go with that.

- No we have to use red,

because red is a more
powerful color than green.

- Then what?

- We mix all the
ingredients together

and put 'em in this red handbag

and hang it over the green one

and that fights off the spell.

- Boy, we better get
going before it's too late.

- Just a minute, gentlemen.

You owe me $4.85 for everything.

- Oh, charge this to the
Department of Agriculture.

This is a national emergency!

(audience laughs)

(upbeat happy music)

- Thank you for letting me
hang the green bag outside.

- It's a lot better than
letting it hang in here.

- It makes me feel safe
from the blue feather.

- Good.

- It may sounds silly to you,

but there are a lot of things
which can't be explained.

- Yes I know, I'm
married to one.

- Well, that wasn't very nice.

- Lisa, will you let me read.

- All right.

(upbeat happy music)

(footsteps thudding)

Oliver, there's
somebody out there.

- Probably a dog.

- Woof, woof!

It isn't, it didn't answer.

Oliver, you'd better go
out there and see who it is.

- Lisa...

- Oliver, please please
go outside, go on.

- Okay!

(slow instrumental music)

There's nobody out here.

- Are you sure?

- Well come out,
see for yourself.

(ominous music)

- Oliver, look what they did.

They put the red bag
over the green bag

to keep the green bag out of
business for the blue feather.

- Oh, that's some
kind of a joke.

- Gypsies never joke.

- There are no gypsies
anywhere near here.

- Hey, Mitch.

- What?

(banjo music)

- You know this is a
really groovy go kart.

- Yeah, real groovy.

How long do you
think it's gonna take us

to get back to Berkeley in that?

- What's your hurry?

- We'll miss the
fall demonstrations.

(audience laughs)

- You should've
thought of that before

you traded our
hearse for this thing.

Why'd you do that?

- Everybody's got a hearse.

- Not a lavender one.

- We can paint
the horse lavender.

- Any idea where we are?

- I saw a sign
pointing to Hooterville.

- Think they've got anything
like Haight-Ashbury?

- Sure, every town's got one.

- What are you cooking there?

- Hot water.

We're gonna have to get
some food somewhere.

Maybe if we stop at a farmhouse

they'll give us a handout.

- Oh, just like that.

- Well, we might have
to do a little work for it.

- Work, are you sure
that's just hot water?

(audience laughs)

(upbeat happy music)

Man, what a far out pad.

- I told you they had a
Haight-Ashbury here.

(audience laughs)

(knocks on door)

(Lisa screams)

(door slams)

Wow, what's the matter with her?

- Must be having a bad trip.

(audience laughs)

- Oliver, Oliver!

- What, what's the matter?

- They're here, the
gypsies are here!

- Lisa, will you.

(suspenseful music)

All right, what do you want?

- Don't get uptight, man.

- Uptight?

- Cool it.

- You're not gypsies.

- No, we're political
science majors.

- Oh, my wife.

- Your wife, you mean the
crazy guy with the yellow hair?

- No, what do you want?

- We just need some bread, man.

- Bread?

- Money.

- I suppose you want
to get your hair cut.

(audience laughs)

- You hear that, he
sounds just like my old man.

- Now look here.

- You ever go to college?

- Yes, Harvard.

- Anybody ever bug
you about wearing

those hokey raccoon coats?

- Well, no.

- How many goldfish did you eat?

(audience laughs)

- Look, this is none
of your business.

- [Lisa] Oliver,
are you all right?

- Yes it's only a couple
of, don't come out.

You fellas say you want
to earn some bread, huh?

How about for five dollars.

- What do we have to do for it?

- Well you see, my
wife got the blue feather.

- Yeah, there's a lot
of that going around.

- Do you want the
money or don't you?

- Yes.

- All right.

I want you to take
these two bags,

get in your wagon and take off

and I don't want to see
you around here again.

- Is that all?

- That's all.

- It's a deal.

Hey, there's something in them.

- It's all yours.

(audience laughs)

- Man, he's really wigged out.

- Oliver, what happened,
what happened?

- Sh, calm down I'll
tell you everything.

There is no more hex!

- How did you do that?

- Well, it took a little doing.

You know, those gypsies were

very nasty about what you'd done

but I talked to 'em and
I finally persuaded 'em

to take the curse off
of you and they did.

- They couldn't have because
I still have the blue feather.

- Oh that, you're
supposed to burn it.

- Will that do it?

- Well no, you have to
say a few magic words

that they taught me.

- What are they?

- Well now let's see if
I can remember them.

Allapatatza kabakooba

malaheeney hoo abooto.

You say that.

- Allapatootza abba.

What's the next one?

- Kooba.

- Oh yes, Kooba.

- Malaheeney hoo.

- Malahoona hi.

- No, Malaheeney
hoo, if you don't

say it right it won't work.

- I know.

- Aboota.

- Aboota.

- Yeah, now burn it.

Aboota malaheeney hoo

kooba kooba alagazam.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, Oliver, I'm free!

- Ow!

- I'm sorry.

(upbeat happy music)

- [Man On Radio]
The last 15 minutes of

rock and roll music
was brought to you by

Blue Feather nail polish.

- Blue feather, isn't
that what that guy

said his wife had?

- [Man On Radio] Some of
you ladies might have received

a blue feather in
the mail this week.

If you did, take it to
your local drug store

and receive a bottle of
Blue Feather nail polish

absolutely free.

Blue Feather, the
only nail polish that...

- Crass commercialism.

- What's in there?

What's in there?

- Looks like
sauerkraut, chicken fat,

eggs and cream cheese.

- Should we try it?

- Sure, but what'll we
do, eat it or smoke it?

(audience laughs)

(upbeat happy music)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.