Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 10 - How Hooterville Was Floundered - full transcript
After Joe Carson quits as head of the Hooterville centennial celebration, Oliver gets the job. His idea is to stage a re-enactment of the town's founding starring himself and Lisa as Horace and Doris Hooter. In the dramatization, saloon girl Doris fleeces Horace out of the money he'd hoped to buy a farm with. Eventually, he gets his money back, thanks to her skills as a card shark, and they marry and settle Hooterville.
(upbeat music)
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm livin' is the life for me
♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Dah-ling I love you
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Good bye, city life
♪ Green Acres we are there
(cheerful music)
- Where the heck is that?
Lisa!
Lisa!
Lisa, where are you?
- Well, I'm not under there!
(audience laughing)
- I know you're not.
- Well then why are you
looking under there for me?
- I'm not looking.
Have you seen my guitar case?
- What does it look like?
- Well, it's shaped like a...
- Well!
You just can't
forget her can you!
(audience laughing)
- Forget who?
- The girl who was shaped
like your guitar case.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you mean Hortense.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, she was really strung.
- Well, we finally
got it out in the open.
- Lisa, will you just tell
me where my Hortense,
I mean my guitar is?
(audience laughing)
There's band practice tonight.
- I thought it was always
on Thursday night.
- Well it usually is, but
tonight's a special practice
on account of the Hooterville
Centennial Celebration
on Saturday.
- Oh, well, I think I saw
Hortense in the closet.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, thank you.
- Oliver, what is
a centen-enial?
- No, a sentinal.
No, a sentinenial.
(audience laughing) It's
the hundredth anniversary
of the founding of Hooterville.
- Do we have to send a present?
- No!
No, it's a celebration.
Joe Carson's planning
everything, speeches, parades...
- Ooo!
It sounds like fun!
- Mr. Douglas!
- In here, in the bedroom!
(doors slamming)
(audience laughing)
- I just came in
to tell you that,
where's Mr. Douglas?
(audience laughing)
- I don't know, he
was here a minute ago.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Douglas!
(knocking)
- Come in! (audience laughing)
Oh, there's nobody out there.
(knocking)
- [Oliver] I'm in the closet!
- What's he doing in there?
- He's looking for Hortense.
- What's she doin' in there?
(audience laughing) (knocking)
- [Oliver] Will you
open the door?
- Oh, yes sir!
Hold this for me, would ya?
- It's stuck!
(grunting)
- It's stuck pretty tight!
- [Oliver] You
pull and I'll push!
- Okay!
- [Oliver] You ready?
- Ready!
- [Oliver] One!
Two!
Three!
(crashing) (audience laughing)
- Oliver?
He's not in there?
- No, I'm over here.
- How did you get
out of the closet?
- I dug a tunnel!
- What did you do with the dirt?
(audience laughing)
- Oof.
- Hey, we better get
goin', they said practice
would start at eight sharp.
- I can't go til I
find my guitar.
- Oh, I put that in the car
so you wouldn't have
any trouble findin' it!
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you.
Come on!
- Aren't you going
to kiss me goodnight?
- Sure!
- Not you.
- Boy, I should
have let Ab do it.
(audience laughing)
- That better?
- Do you have to go?
- Good night.
(silly music)
(purrs)
(audience laughing)
(band practicing)
(crash)
- Will you...
- Quiet.
(audience laughing)
(crash)
- Oh, Ralph!
If you don't stop...
- Alright let's not
have any fightin'
in the busy collins section.
(audience laughing)
- Howdy Joe.
- Red, you're late.
- Yeah, I had a hard time
paintin' spots on Arnold.
(snorting)
- Why did you
paint spots on him?
- For the parade.
We ain't got no firedog
to sit on the engine,
so we're making
Arnold our fire pig.
(audience laughing)
- You fire...
- Get up on the engine, Arnold.
- And don't play
with the sirene.
- Joe, can we get
this thing started,
I got to get back to the store.
- Okay, Sam.
Now first of all, I want
to give you a rundown
of the activities I've got
planned for Centennial day.
We assemble in front of
Sam's store at eight sharp.
Full firefighting regalia
with our instruments.
At 8:30, we march to the
station to greet the governor.
- What governor?
- Well, I ain't sure.
I invited all 52 of them,
one of them oughta show up.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, boy.
- We take whichever
governor shows up first,
march him to the town
square, and show him
the cement slab where
someday we're going to erect
a statue of Horace Hooter.
- May I ask a question?
- Does it have anything to do
with what we're talking about?
- Yeah, I think so.
- Well, if you ain't
sure, sit down.
(audience laughing)
Now while the governor's
lookin' at the slab,
we'll serenade him
with an official song
written especially
for the centennial.
You'll find the
music on your stand.
- I don't have any
music on my stand.
Just this piece of paper
with the black dots on it.
(audience laughing)
- That's music!
- Is this the song?
"Hail to Horace Hooter?"
- Yeah, I wrote it.
(squeals)
- You didn't write it, Alph.
Arnold hummed it to
you and you put it down.
(audience laughing)
- How could Arnold hum...
- I wrote the lyrics, sweetie,
and you're gonna sing them.
- Me?
- Well, you're the
only non-blower here.
- Non-blower?
- You don't have
to blow a guitar,
so you've got a free
mouth for singing.
(audience laughing)
- Well, Ralph's
got a free mouth.
Let her sing it,
she wrote the lyrics.
- I can't, I start to cry.
(audience laughing)
- I'm not going to...
- Alright, let's go.
(jazzy music)
- You're on, Dino!
(audience laughing)
♪ Horace Hooter ♪ Horace Hooter
♪ The founder of
our town (snorting)
♪ Horace Hooter ♪ Horace Hooter
♪ He never wore a frown.
These are the worst...
- Keep singin' Rudy!
(audience laughing)
♪ For a hundred years
♪ Our town has stood
♪ We don't know what you did
♪ But you sure did it good
(audience laughing)
♪ Good ♪ So hail
to Horace Hooter
♪ The founder of
our town (crashing)
Would you don't!
Look, I'm not gonna
sing this stupid song!
- You're gonna ruin
the whole centennial!
- I sincerely hope so.
- Well, that's a nice attitude.
Well, it's not a nice attitude.
It's pretty crummy.
(audience laughing)
- You're anti-Hooterville.
- If I were anti-Hooterville,
I'd sing the song!
(audience laughing)
Why does anybody
have to sing it anyhow?
- I agree with Mr. Douglas.
It ain't much of a song.
(squealing)
- Oh, Arnold, he's
talkin' about the lyrics.
- I'm talkin' about
the whole thing!
I think we ought to
just forget the song.
- Then what are we gonna
serenade the governor with?
- No governor's
gonna show up here.
Even if it was an election year.
- Well, we don't
need a governor.
We still got the
fireworks display.
- Oh, boy!
Are we gonna have fireworks?
- Yeah, I figure we'd open
up with Roman candles
spelling out Happy
Anniversary to Hooterville.
After that we'd have
a sky rocket display
showing the battle
of Gettysburg.
- What has that gotta do with
the founding of Hooterville?
- Well, nothing' except
that they've got this display
left over at the
fireworks house.
I can get a good buy on it.
(audience laughing)
- Goodbye is the only thing
we want to hear from you, Joe,
because if we leave
these things in your hand
it's gonna be a big bust like
everything else you planned.
- Well if that's the
way you feel about it,
I'm resigning my chairmanship
of the Centennial
Planning Committee
and I'm laying down my baton
as leader of the volunteer
fire department band!
(cheering) (bell ringing)
- Hold it, hold it here.
Now, Mr. Drucker,
if I may say so,
I think you were a little
harsh on Mr. Carson.
He meant well.
- Well, he always means
well and it always turns out
to be a big nothin'!
- Why don't we
forget the centennial?
Well, not forget
it, just ignore it!
(audience laughing)
- I don't think we
should ignore it.
No, Hooterville's founding
is a part of American history!
- It used to be part of
Pixay 'til they threw us out!
(audience laughing)
- No, what I mean is that
this town is one of the
thousands in the United States
which has contributed to
the growth of the country.
From towns such as
Hooterville (patriotic music)
have come our judges, our
scientists, our presidents.
In it's hundred years of
existence, Hooterville has added
to the wealth and
knowledge of America!
Now, ignore its anniversary?
Nay, I say!
- I'll nay along with you.
(audience laughing)
- Well, if that's the way you
feel about it, Mr. Douglas,
I think we should
have the centennial
and I think you should plan it.
- Oh, well...
- All those is favor, say "Aye!"
- Aye!
(bell ringing)
(audience laughing)
- Congratulations
Mr. Douglas, you're it.
(cheerful music)
(audience laughing)
(cheerful music)
- Oliver!
- Lisa, please, I'm thinking.
- What about?
- I'm tryna figure out
the most appropriate way
to celebrate this anniversary.
- Well, why don't you do
what we did in Hungary
every year to celebrate
the storming of the castle
by the peasants?
(audience laughing)
- What?
- Well, when my father
was king, once a year,
all my mother's relatives would
dress up in their old clothes
and stand outside the castle
and throw stones at him.
(audience laughing)
- Well I can understand
them throwing stones at him,
but why only once a year?
(audience laughing)
King!
- He was!
He got the job from my
great great grandfather
who opened the castle
for business in 1851.
(audience laughing)
He wouldn't let the
peasants into the castle
because after they crushed
the grapes with their bare feet,
they would leave purple
stains all over the rugs!
(audience laughing)
- Oh, boy!
- So every year since
then, they have Stone Day,
where the peasants stand
outside and throw stones and that...
- Wait a second!
That's not a bad
idea, we can do that!
- Alright.
Who are we gonna
throw stones at?
(audience laughing)
- No, I don't mean
throwing stones,
I mean we can reenact
the founding of Hooterville!
- How do you
reenact a floundering?
- No, no, not floundering.
Froundring.
(stuttering) Well you'll see.
I've been thinking
about the centennial
and wondering what would
be the best way to celebrate.
And it occurred to me, that
what we should do is reenact
the founding of the town.
- He got the idea from me!
In Hungary, we always
reenact the floundering
of the family castle!
(audience laughing)
- Well it's not the...
- All the peasants will
stand in front of the castle
and throw stones at the king.
- Gee, that's a great idea!
We get a king and
we throw stones at him!
(audience laughing)
- But you need a castle.
- Well, there must be a
castle around here somewhere.
(audience laughing)
- Well how big
does it have to be?
- We don't need
a castle or a king!
- Then who are we
gonna throw the stones at?
(audience laughing)
- Will you please listen?
- Yeah, give
Mr. Douglas a chance.
- To do what?
- To tell us who he's
gonna throw stones at!
(audience laughing)
- Why should he
throw the stones?
- It was his idea.
- No, no, it was my idea!
You see in Hungary...
- Look, if you're
not interested...
- In what?
(audience laughing)
- In throwing stones,
er, no, I mean in reenacting
the floundering of Hooterville.
The foundering!
Floundering?
- Pull yourself together.
- Yeah, we'll listen.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I've been doing
some research on the history
of Hooterville.
And I found out that many
of your forefathers were here
when it was foundered.
(stuttering)
First started!
(audience laughing)
and I thought it'd
be a wonderful idea
to do a play with all of you
playing the parts
of your forefathers.
- That's okay, except
nobody in town's related
to Horace Hooter
or his wife Doris.
- Who were they?
- He was the
founder, the flounder.
- Gee, I didn't know we had
a flounder founder in our past.
(audience laughing)
- Look, Mr. Kimble...
- How 'bout Mr. and Mrs. Douglas
playing Horace and Doris Hooter.
- We'll do it.
(audience laughing)
Which one do you want to be?
Horace or Doris?
(audience laughing)
- How was the town floundered?
(audience laughing)
- Well, according
to what I found out
from the county
historical society,
Horace Hooter was born
in Sacramento, California.
But he wanted
to be a farmer, so,
he set out to
look for farm land.
- They had farms in California.
- Well, yes, but in those days,
everybody was digging
them up looking for gold.
So he saddled up his
horse and he headed east.
Now there's no
record of his trip
until he rode into a little
town called Barstool.
In those days, the main part
of any town was the saloon.
And that's where
Horace was headed for.
Would you mind
opening the curtain?
Now I thought we'd open
the play in the saloon, you see.
I want you to imagine
this is a saloon.
Now that's the bar.
(chiming)
That's the poker table.
(chiming)
And that's the player piano.
("Oh Susannah" on player piano)
- Howdy, stranger!
- Howdy!
- If you're lookin'
for the action, I'm it.
- No, no, I'm just
riding through.
- Where you from?
- California.
- Hear they struck
gold out there.
- Yes, that's why
I'm heading east.
- You some kinda religious nut?
- No, I'm not interested
in digging for gold.
I want to buy some farm land.
- Got any money?
- $800.
(flapping)
(audience laughing)
- Hello, there.
- Oh.
- Do you want to buy
me a drink, honey?
- Wahh...
- My name is Doris MacGivney.
I'm Scotch.
- There's your bottle of scotch.
That'll be $35.
(audience laughing)
- I didn't want any...
- What's your name, honey?
- Horace Hooter.
I'm from Sacramento, California.
- Oh, is that anywhere
near to Champagne, Illinois?
- Champagne!
That'll be $42!
- I didn't order...
- My cousin runs a cotton gin.
- A bottle of cotton gin.
That'll be $138.
- Will you keep
your hands off of...
- That's right, you
can't be too careful.
I'll take care of it...
- No, thank you, I have...
- Well, why don't we sit down.
Let me help you.
- Thank you.
- Here we are.
The roulette table.
- This is a poker table.
- It is?
Oh, I wouldn't know about that.
- Tell me, what's
a nice girl like you
doing in a place like this?
- Oh, I'm just working
here to get enough money
to pay for my father's
$800 operation.
(audience laughing)
What are you doing here?
- Oh, I'm just passing through.
I'm looking for a farm.
- Oh, well, you couldn't
get much of a farm for $800!
How would you like
to double your money?
- Oh, I'd love to, but
how can I do that?
- What about a
friendly game of pika?
(laughing)
- Poker!
- Is that what it is?
Well, I don't know
much about cards.
Six of hearts.
(audience laughing)
- I've heard they give
you a pretty fast shake
in some of these places.
- Oh, not here.
We run an honest game.
Ten of diamonds.
(audience laughing)
- How did you...
- How would you like
to have a $3000 farm?
- Oh, well, I...
- I have the deed right here.
(audience laughing)
- Where did you get that?
- Out of my garter.
- This is a deed for 600 acres!
- Well, put your
money on the table.
- Yes, but suppose I lose?
- How could you lose?
Six of clubs.
(audience laughing)
- I don't think I...
- Do you want to
play or don't you?
- Alright.
- Well but your money
where your mouse is.
- Where my mouse is?
(squeaking)
(audience laughing)
That's not my mouse.
Scat!
(audience laughing)
- How 'bout the money?
Alright, I deal.
- That's her sheriff!
(audience laughing)
Well go ahead, pinch her.
Well, don't pinch her.
Put the cuffs on her.
(audience laughing)
- Doris, you're under arrest.
- Wait a minute.
What for?
- I'll tell you what for.
She's a shard cark.
(audience laughing)
- A shard cark?
- He means a card shark.
- He does?
Then why didn't he say so?
(audience laughing)
Now are you going to arrest her?
- Come on, Doris.
- Boy, just a moment!
You said that this
lady cheated at cards!
Can you prove it?
- I certainly can.
That is a marked deck!
Here, I'll show ya.
The eight of clubs.
Two of diamonds.
(audience laughing)
Well, I guess that proves it.
- You didn't prove anything!
- Sheriff, I won't prefer
charges if you give me
the land deed back.
- Well, what do you say, Doris?
- Alright, there you are.
- What about the $800 I lost?
- Here you are, take it.
- Well, no!
Wait that's my...
- Can I use your bag please?
- No, of course not,
this is my money!
- Stranger, I wouldn't get
involved in this if I was you.
There've been too many
complaints about you, Doris.
I want you to get on that
stage and get outta town
and make sure you're
outta town by sundown.
- Gee, I'll try, but I don't
think I can be ready by then.
- Not you, her!
(audience laughing)
- I want to thank you
very much, now I'm broke.
- So am I, Maurice.
- Horace.
- Maurice Horace.
That's a pretty name.
Let's get married!
- Look, I've got to get a
job and earn some money
so I can buy a farm!
Are there any jobs around here?
- Yes, the railroad is
building a spur line from Pixlie.
Do you know how to lay track?
- No, but I'm honest
and not afraid to work.
I can learn!
(cheerful music)
♪ When John
Henry was a little baby
(grunting) (clanking)
♪ Sittin' on his mammy's knee.
(grunting) (clanking)
♪ He pointed his
finger at a piece of steel
Ooo! (clanking)
Ohh! (audience laughing)
- Oh!
That's what I like to see.
A fellow who enjoys his
work, singing and dancing.
(audience laughing)
- I'm not dancing, I hit my
foot with a sledge hammer!
I'm quitting!
- Then how are we
going to get married?
- We're not!
We can't afford to get married
on the money I'm making!
- What?
You just got a raise
to seven cents an hour!
- We can't get married
until I get $800 to buy a farm.
- That'll do it?
- Yes.
- What time does the
train crew goes to lunch?
- In a few minutes, why?
- What are you going to do?
- Don't go away.
I'll be right back.
(audience laughing)
(cheerful music)
(crashing)
(audience laughing)
Hello there!
- Doris!
Where did you go?
- Here, here is the
money for the farm.
(audience laughing)
- Doris, the sheriff warned...
- You don't have to worry,
he isn't the sheriff any more.
- He isn't?
- No, he tried to fill
an inside straight.
(audience laughing)
- Doris!
- Maurice.
- Horace! (audience laughing)
(wedding march music)
Ooo!
Well, this is it.
Our farm.
(audience laughing)
- You paid $800 for that?
- Well yes, the
fella built it that way
to keep the Indians away.
(audience laughing)
- It'll keep me away too.
- Oh, please, it's
really a beautiful house.
And we have 600
acres of fertile land
and I have a beautiful wife.
There's only one thing I
need to make my life complete.
- What's that?
- A baby.
- Don't go away,
I'll be right back.
Hello there!
- Oh, what?
- There you are, your baby.
- Where did you...
- There was a
ladies' poker game.
(audience laughing)
- Take that back!
- Alright.
(audience laughing)
- What the...
- Well it was only a doll,
but someday, we
have one of our own.
- Doris!
- Oh, Maurice!
- Horace!
- Oh!
(cheerful music)
- Howdy.
- Howdy.
- You remember Ben Drucker.
Mr Drucker' building
a general store I hear.
- Yeah, the Monroe
brothers are buildin' it for me.
- I'm Larry.
- I'm Harry.
(audience laughing)
- Well, pleased
to meet you fellas.
- Oh, he's not a
fella, he's my sister.
(audience laughing)
- Oh?
- You married, honey?
- Yes, he is!
- Doggone it!
How am I ever
gonna find me a man
out here in the wilderness?
- Build yourself one.
(audience laughing)
- I guess there's gonna
be a lot of work here
for carpenters, huh?
People are starting to move in.
Some day this is gonna be
quite a thriving community.
- Yeah, we outta think
of a name for this place.
- Maybe we could name
it after Maurice here.
- Horace.
- Oh, yes.
Why don't we call
it Horace Heights?
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, that has a
nice musical sound to it.
- No, I think there is a
Horace Heights someplace.
- Well, how about
Hooter Heights?
- How about Philadelphia?
- They got one.
- Well, I hope somebody
thinks of a name for it.
- Don't worry, Mr. Hooter will.
- Hooterville!
That's it! (audience laughing)
(chiming)
- Well?
That's approximately
how Hooterville was fou...
Was started. (audience laughing)
At least according to
the research that I did.
And you think it'd
make a good play.
- It sure would it
Red Skelton did it.
(audience laughing)
- Well if you don't like
it, you don't have to do it.
- Well why don't
we put it to a vote?
All those in favor, say "Aye."
(audience laughing)
- What kind of a vote is that?
- It ain't a vote of confidence.
(audience laughing)
- Well if you want to
celebrate the centennial,
you'd better make up your
minds how you want to do it.
- Well, there ain't no hurry.
- The centennial is Saturday!
- Yeah, Saturday
a year from now.
- What?
- Well, we like to plan
things ahead of time.
(cheerful music)
- A year ahead of time?
Did you ever hear
anything so ridiculous?
What's the matter with
the people in this town...
- Gin!
- What?
That's the 10th
hand you win Gin on.
- Well I guess I'm
just lucky that way.
Five of spades.
(audience laughing)
- Doris!
- Maurice.
- Horace! (audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
(cheerful music)
- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm livin' is the life for me
♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Dah-ling I love you
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Good bye, city life
♪ Green Acres we are there
(cheerful music)
- Where the heck is that?
Lisa!
Lisa!
Lisa, where are you?
- Well, I'm not under there!
(audience laughing)
- I know you're not.
- Well then why are you
looking under there for me?
- I'm not looking.
Have you seen my guitar case?
- What does it look like?
- Well, it's shaped like a...
- Well!
You just can't
forget her can you!
(audience laughing)
- Forget who?
- The girl who was shaped
like your guitar case.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you mean Hortense.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, she was really strung.
- Well, we finally
got it out in the open.
- Lisa, will you just tell
me where my Hortense,
I mean my guitar is?
(audience laughing)
There's band practice tonight.
- I thought it was always
on Thursday night.
- Well it usually is, but
tonight's a special practice
on account of the Hooterville
Centennial Celebration
on Saturday.
- Oh, well, I think I saw
Hortense in the closet.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, thank you.
- Oliver, what is
a centen-enial?
- No, a sentinal.
No, a sentinenial.
(audience laughing) It's
the hundredth anniversary
of the founding of Hooterville.
- Do we have to send a present?
- No!
No, it's a celebration.
Joe Carson's planning
everything, speeches, parades...
- Ooo!
It sounds like fun!
- Mr. Douglas!
- In here, in the bedroom!
(doors slamming)
(audience laughing)
- I just came in
to tell you that,
where's Mr. Douglas?
(audience laughing)
- I don't know, he
was here a minute ago.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Douglas!
(knocking)
- Come in! (audience laughing)
Oh, there's nobody out there.
(knocking)
- [Oliver] I'm in the closet!
- What's he doing in there?
- He's looking for Hortense.
- What's she doin' in there?
(audience laughing) (knocking)
- [Oliver] Will you
open the door?
- Oh, yes sir!
Hold this for me, would ya?
- It's stuck!
(grunting)
- It's stuck pretty tight!
- [Oliver] You
pull and I'll push!
- Okay!
- [Oliver] You ready?
- Ready!
- [Oliver] One!
Two!
Three!
(crashing) (audience laughing)
- Oliver?
He's not in there?
- No, I'm over here.
- How did you get
out of the closet?
- I dug a tunnel!
- What did you do with the dirt?
(audience laughing)
- Oof.
- Hey, we better get
goin', they said practice
would start at eight sharp.
- I can't go til I
find my guitar.
- Oh, I put that in the car
so you wouldn't have
any trouble findin' it!
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you.
Come on!
- Aren't you going
to kiss me goodnight?
- Sure!
- Not you.
- Boy, I should
have let Ab do it.
(audience laughing)
- That better?
- Do you have to go?
- Good night.
(silly music)
(purrs)
(audience laughing)
(band practicing)
(crash)
- Will you...
- Quiet.
(audience laughing)
(crash)
- Oh, Ralph!
If you don't stop...
- Alright let's not
have any fightin'
in the busy collins section.
(audience laughing)
- Howdy Joe.
- Red, you're late.
- Yeah, I had a hard time
paintin' spots on Arnold.
(snorting)
- Why did you
paint spots on him?
- For the parade.
We ain't got no firedog
to sit on the engine,
so we're making
Arnold our fire pig.
(audience laughing)
- You fire...
- Get up on the engine, Arnold.
- And don't play
with the sirene.
- Joe, can we get
this thing started,
I got to get back to the store.
- Okay, Sam.
Now first of all, I want
to give you a rundown
of the activities I've got
planned for Centennial day.
We assemble in front of
Sam's store at eight sharp.
Full firefighting regalia
with our instruments.
At 8:30, we march to the
station to greet the governor.
- What governor?
- Well, I ain't sure.
I invited all 52 of them,
one of them oughta show up.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, boy.
- We take whichever
governor shows up first,
march him to the town
square, and show him
the cement slab where
someday we're going to erect
a statue of Horace Hooter.
- May I ask a question?
- Does it have anything to do
with what we're talking about?
- Yeah, I think so.
- Well, if you ain't
sure, sit down.
(audience laughing)
Now while the governor's
lookin' at the slab,
we'll serenade him
with an official song
written especially
for the centennial.
You'll find the
music on your stand.
- I don't have any
music on my stand.
Just this piece of paper
with the black dots on it.
(audience laughing)
- That's music!
- Is this the song?
"Hail to Horace Hooter?"
- Yeah, I wrote it.
(squeals)
- You didn't write it, Alph.
Arnold hummed it to
you and you put it down.
(audience laughing)
- How could Arnold hum...
- I wrote the lyrics, sweetie,
and you're gonna sing them.
- Me?
- Well, you're the
only non-blower here.
- Non-blower?
- You don't have
to blow a guitar,
so you've got a free
mouth for singing.
(audience laughing)
- Well, Ralph's
got a free mouth.
Let her sing it,
she wrote the lyrics.
- I can't, I start to cry.
(audience laughing)
- I'm not going to...
- Alright, let's go.
(jazzy music)
- You're on, Dino!
(audience laughing)
♪ Horace Hooter ♪ Horace Hooter
♪ The founder of
our town (snorting)
♪ Horace Hooter ♪ Horace Hooter
♪ He never wore a frown.
These are the worst...
- Keep singin' Rudy!
(audience laughing)
♪ For a hundred years
♪ Our town has stood
♪ We don't know what you did
♪ But you sure did it good
(audience laughing)
♪ Good ♪ So hail
to Horace Hooter
♪ The founder of
our town (crashing)
Would you don't!
Look, I'm not gonna
sing this stupid song!
- You're gonna ruin
the whole centennial!
- I sincerely hope so.
- Well, that's a nice attitude.
Well, it's not a nice attitude.
It's pretty crummy.
(audience laughing)
- You're anti-Hooterville.
- If I were anti-Hooterville,
I'd sing the song!
(audience laughing)
Why does anybody
have to sing it anyhow?
- I agree with Mr. Douglas.
It ain't much of a song.
(squealing)
- Oh, Arnold, he's
talkin' about the lyrics.
- I'm talkin' about
the whole thing!
I think we ought to
just forget the song.
- Then what are we gonna
serenade the governor with?
- No governor's
gonna show up here.
Even if it was an election year.
- Well, we don't
need a governor.
We still got the
fireworks display.
- Oh, boy!
Are we gonna have fireworks?
- Yeah, I figure we'd open
up with Roman candles
spelling out Happy
Anniversary to Hooterville.
After that we'd have
a sky rocket display
showing the battle
of Gettysburg.
- What has that gotta do with
the founding of Hooterville?
- Well, nothing' except
that they've got this display
left over at the
fireworks house.
I can get a good buy on it.
(audience laughing)
- Goodbye is the only thing
we want to hear from you, Joe,
because if we leave
these things in your hand
it's gonna be a big bust like
everything else you planned.
- Well if that's the
way you feel about it,
I'm resigning my chairmanship
of the Centennial
Planning Committee
and I'm laying down my baton
as leader of the volunteer
fire department band!
(cheering) (bell ringing)
- Hold it, hold it here.
Now, Mr. Drucker,
if I may say so,
I think you were a little
harsh on Mr. Carson.
He meant well.
- Well, he always means
well and it always turns out
to be a big nothin'!
- Why don't we
forget the centennial?
Well, not forget
it, just ignore it!
(audience laughing)
- I don't think we
should ignore it.
No, Hooterville's founding
is a part of American history!
- It used to be part of
Pixay 'til they threw us out!
(audience laughing)
- No, what I mean is that
this town is one of the
thousands in the United States
which has contributed to
the growth of the country.
From towns such as
Hooterville (patriotic music)
have come our judges, our
scientists, our presidents.
In it's hundred years of
existence, Hooterville has added
to the wealth and
knowledge of America!
Now, ignore its anniversary?
Nay, I say!
- I'll nay along with you.
(audience laughing)
- Well, if that's the way you
feel about it, Mr. Douglas,
I think we should
have the centennial
and I think you should plan it.
- Oh, well...
- All those is favor, say "Aye!"
- Aye!
(bell ringing)
(audience laughing)
- Congratulations
Mr. Douglas, you're it.
(cheerful music)
(audience laughing)
(cheerful music)
- Oliver!
- Lisa, please, I'm thinking.
- What about?
- I'm tryna figure out
the most appropriate way
to celebrate this anniversary.
- Well, why don't you do
what we did in Hungary
every year to celebrate
the storming of the castle
by the peasants?
(audience laughing)
- What?
- Well, when my father
was king, once a year,
all my mother's relatives would
dress up in their old clothes
and stand outside the castle
and throw stones at him.
(audience laughing)
- Well I can understand
them throwing stones at him,
but why only once a year?
(audience laughing)
King!
- He was!
He got the job from my
great great grandfather
who opened the castle
for business in 1851.
(audience laughing)
He wouldn't let the
peasants into the castle
because after they crushed
the grapes with their bare feet,
they would leave purple
stains all over the rugs!
(audience laughing)
- Oh, boy!
- So every year since
then, they have Stone Day,
where the peasants stand
outside and throw stones and that...
- Wait a second!
That's not a bad
idea, we can do that!
- Alright.
Who are we gonna
throw stones at?
(audience laughing)
- No, I don't mean
throwing stones,
I mean we can reenact
the founding of Hooterville!
- How do you
reenact a floundering?
- No, no, not floundering.
Froundring.
(stuttering) Well you'll see.
I've been thinking
about the centennial
and wondering what would
be the best way to celebrate.
And it occurred to me, that
what we should do is reenact
the founding of the town.
- He got the idea from me!
In Hungary, we always
reenact the floundering
of the family castle!
(audience laughing)
- Well it's not the...
- All the peasants will
stand in front of the castle
and throw stones at the king.
- Gee, that's a great idea!
We get a king and
we throw stones at him!
(audience laughing)
- But you need a castle.
- Well, there must be a
castle around here somewhere.
(audience laughing)
- Well how big
does it have to be?
- We don't need
a castle or a king!
- Then who are we
gonna throw the stones at?
(audience laughing)
- Will you please listen?
- Yeah, give
Mr. Douglas a chance.
- To do what?
- To tell us who he's
gonna throw stones at!
(audience laughing)
- Why should he
throw the stones?
- It was his idea.
- No, no, it was my idea!
You see in Hungary...
- Look, if you're
not interested...
- In what?
(audience laughing)
- In throwing stones,
er, no, I mean in reenacting
the floundering of Hooterville.
The foundering!
Floundering?
- Pull yourself together.
- Yeah, we'll listen.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I've been doing
some research on the history
of Hooterville.
And I found out that many
of your forefathers were here
when it was foundered.
(stuttering)
First started!
(audience laughing)
and I thought it'd
be a wonderful idea
to do a play with all of you
playing the parts
of your forefathers.
- That's okay, except
nobody in town's related
to Horace Hooter
or his wife Doris.
- Who were they?
- He was the
founder, the flounder.
- Gee, I didn't know we had
a flounder founder in our past.
(audience laughing)
- Look, Mr. Kimble...
- How 'bout Mr. and Mrs. Douglas
playing Horace and Doris Hooter.
- We'll do it.
(audience laughing)
Which one do you want to be?
Horace or Doris?
(audience laughing)
- How was the town floundered?
(audience laughing)
- Well, according
to what I found out
from the county
historical society,
Horace Hooter was born
in Sacramento, California.
But he wanted
to be a farmer, so,
he set out to
look for farm land.
- They had farms in California.
- Well, yes, but in those days,
everybody was digging
them up looking for gold.
So he saddled up his
horse and he headed east.
Now there's no
record of his trip
until he rode into a little
town called Barstool.
In those days, the main part
of any town was the saloon.
And that's where
Horace was headed for.
Would you mind
opening the curtain?
Now I thought we'd open
the play in the saloon, you see.
I want you to imagine
this is a saloon.
Now that's the bar.
(chiming)
That's the poker table.
(chiming)
And that's the player piano.
("Oh Susannah" on player piano)
- Howdy, stranger!
- Howdy!
- If you're lookin'
for the action, I'm it.
- No, no, I'm just
riding through.
- Where you from?
- California.
- Hear they struck
gold out there.
- Yes, that's why
I'm heading east.
- You some kinda religious nut?
- No, I'm not interested
in digging for gold.
I want to buy some farm land.
- Got any money?
- $800.
(flapping)
(audience laughing)
- Hello, there.
- Oh.
- Do you want to buy
me a drink, honey?
- Wahh...
- My name is Doris MacGivney.
I'm Scotch.
- There's your bottle of scotch.
That'll be $35.
(audience laughing)
- I didn't want any...
- What's your name, honey?
- Horace Hooter.
I'm from Sacramento, California.
- Oh, is that anywhere
near to Champagne, Illinois?
- Champagne!
That'll be $42!
- I didn't order...
- My cousin runs a cotton gin.
- A bottle of cotton gin.
That'll be $138.
- Will you keep
your hands off of...
- That's right, you
can't be too careful.
I'll take care of it...
- No, thank you, I have...
- Well, why don't we sit down.
Let me help you.
- Thank you.
- Here we are.
The roulette table.
- This is a poker table.
- It is?
Oh, I wouldn't know about that.
- Tell me, what's
a nice girl like you
doing in a place like this?
- Oh, I'm just working
here to get enough money
to pay for my father's
$800 operation.
(audience laughing)
What are you doing here?
- Oh, I'm just passing through.
I'm looking for a farm.
- Oh, well, you couldn't
get much of a farm for $800!
How would you like
to double your money?
- Oh, I'd love to, but
how can I do that?
- What about a
friendly game of pika?
(laughing)
- Poker!
- Is that what it is?
Well, I don't know
much about cards.
Six of hearts.
(audience laughing)
- I've heard they give
you a pretty fast shake
in some of these places.
- Oh, not here.
We run an honest game.
Ten of diamonds.
(audience laughing)
- How did you...
- How would you like
to have a $3000 farm?
- Oh, well, I...
- I have the deed right here.
(audience laughing)
- Where did you get that?
- Out of my garter.
- This is a deed for 600 acres!
- Well, put your
money on the table.
- Yes, but suppose I lose?
- How could you lose?
Six of clubs.
(audience laughing)
- I don't think I...
- Do you want to
play or don't you?
- Alright.
- Well but your money
where your mouse is.
- Where my mouse is?
(squeaking)
(audience laughing)
That's not my mouse.
Scat!
(audience laughing)
- How 'bout the money?
Alright, I deal.
- That's her sheriff!
(audience laughing)
Well go ahead, pinch her.
Well, don't pinch her.
Put the cuffs on her.
(audience laughing)
- Doris, you're under arrest.
- Wait a minute.
What for?
- I'll tell you what for.
She's a shard cark.
(audience laughing)
- A shard cark?
- He means a card shark.
- He does?
Then why didn't he say so?
(audience laughing)
Now are you going to arrest her?
- Come on, Doris.
- Boy, just a moment!
You said that this
lady cheated at cards!
Can you prove it?
- I certainly can.
That is a marked deck!
Here, I'll show ya.
The eight of clubs.
Two of diamonds.
(audience laughing)
Well, I guess that proves it.
- You didn't prove anything!
- Sheriff, I won't prefer
charges if you give me
the land deed back.
- Well, what do you say, Doris?
- Alright, there you are.
- What about the $800 I lost?
- Here you are, take it.
- Well, no!
Wait that's my...
- Can I use your bag please?
- No, of course not,
this is my money!
- Stranger, I wouldn't get
involved in this if I was you.
There've been too many
complaints about you, Doris.
I want you to get on that
stage and get outta town
and make sure you're
outta town by sundown.
- Gee, I'll try, but I don't
think I can be ready by then.
- Not you, her!
(audience laughing)
- I want to thank you
very much, now I'm broke.
- So am I, Maurice.
- Horace.
- Maurice Horace.
That's a pretty name.
Let's get married!
- Look, I've got to get a
job and earn some money
so I can buy a farm!
Are there any jobs around here?
- Yes, the railroad is
building a spur line from Pixlie.
Do you know how to lay track?
- No, but I'm honest
and not afraid to work.
I can learn!
(cheerful music)
♪ When John
Henry was a little baby
(grunting) (clanking)
♪ Sittin' on his mammy's knee.
(grunting) (clanking)
♪ He pointed his
finger at a piece of steel
Ooo! (clanking)
Ohh! (audience laughing)
- Oh!
That's what I like to see.
A fellow who enjoys his
work, singing and dancing.
(audience laughing)
- I'm not dancing, I hit my
foot with a sledge hammer!
I'm quitting!
- Then how are we
going to get married?
- We're not!
We can't afford to get married
on the money I'm making!
- What?
You just got a raise
to seven cents an hour!
- We can't get married
until I get $800 to buy a farm.
- That'll do it?
- Yes.
- What time does the
train crew goes to lunch?
- In a few minutes, why?
- What are you going to do?
- Don't go away.
I'll be right back.
(audience laughing)
(cheerful music)
(crashing)
(audience laughing)
Hello there!
- Doris!
Where did you go?
- Here, here is the
money for the farm.
(audience laughing)
- Doris, the sheriff warned...
- You don't have to worry,
he isn't the sheriff any more.
- He isn't?
- No, he tried to fill
an inside straight.
(audience laughing)
- Doris!
- Maurice.
- Horace! (audience laughing)
(wedding march music)
Ooo!
Well, this is it.
Our farm.
(audience laughing)
- You paid $800 for that?
- Well yes, the
fella built it that way
to keep the Indians away.
(audience laughing)
- It'll keep me away too.
- Oh, please, it's
really a beautiful house.
And we have 600
acres of fertile land
and I have a beautiful wife.
There's only one thing I
need to make my life complete.
- What's that?
- A baby.
- Don't go away,
I'll be right back.
Hello there!
- Oh, what?
- There you are, your baby.
- Where did you...
- There was a
ladies' poker game.
(audience laughing)
- Take that back!
- Alright.
(audience laughing)
- What the...
- Well it was only a doll,
but someday, we
have one of our own.
- Doris!
- Oh, Maurice!
- Horace!
- Oh!
(cheerful music)
- Howdy.
- Howdy.
- You remember Ben Drucker.
Mr Drucker' building
a general store I hear.
- Yeah, the Monroe
brothers are buildin' it for me.
- I'm Larry.
- I'm Harry.
(audience laughing)
- Well, pleased
to meet you fellas.
- Oh, he's not a
fella, he's my sister.
(audience laughing)
- Oh?
- You married, honey?
- Yes, he is!
- Doggone it!
How am I ever
gonna find me a man
out here in the wilderness?
- Build yourself one.
(audience laughing)
- I guess there's gonna
be a lot of work here
for carpenters, huh?
People are starting to move in.
Some day this is gonna be
quite a thriving community.
- Yeah, we outta think
of a name for this place.
- Maybe we could name
it after Maurice here.
- Horace.
- Oh, yes.
Why don't we call
it Horace Heights?
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, that has a
nice musical sound to it.
- No, I think there is a
Horace Heights someplace.
- Well, how about
Hooter Heights?
- How about Philadelphia?
- They got one.
- Well, I hope somebody
thinks of a name for it.
- Don't worry, Mr. Hooter will.
- Hooterville!
That's it! (audience laughing)
(chiming)
- Well?
That's approximately
how Hooterville was fou...
Was started. (audience laughing)
At least according to
the research that I did.
And you think it'd
make a good play.
- It sure would it
Red Skelton did it.
(audience laughing)
- Well if you don't like
it, you don't have to do it.
- Well why don't
we put it to a vote?
All those in favor, say "Aye."
(audience laughing)
- What kind of a vote is that?
- It ain't a vote of confidence.
(audience laughing)
- Well if you want to
celebrate the centennial,
you'd better make up your
minds how you want to do it.
- Well, there ain't no hurry.
- The centennial is Saturday!
- Yeah, Saturday
a year from now.
- What?
- Well, we like to plan
things ahead of time.
(cheerful music)
- A year ahead of time?
Did you ever hear
anything so ridiculous?
What's the matter with
the people in this town...
- Gin!
- What?
That's the 10th
hand you win Gin on.
- Well I guess I'm
just lucky that way.
Five of spades.
(audience laughing)
- Doris!
- Maurice.
- Horace! (audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
(cheerful music)
- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.