Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Thing - full transcript
Oliver is tired of paying storage for something neither he or Lisa can recall, so he has it shipped to Hooterville. Inside a giant crate is a genuine Stavinski birdbath that Lisa had bought years earlier for Oliver's birthday. The hideous collection of pipes and faucets leads Oliver to plot "the thing's" demise
[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪
♪ Is the place to be ♪
♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪
[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪
♪ The chores ♪
♪ The stores ♪
- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪
- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪
[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪
Good morning,
Mr. Drucker.
Oh, mornin', Mrs. Douglas.
Mr. Douglas.
Morning, Mr. Drucker.
Anything for me?
[ Sniffs ]
Mmm!
- Newt's got
a new girlfriend.
- [ Sniffing ]
Ooh!
She's very pretty.
- [ Sniffing ]
- Mr. Drucker,
would you see
if you could sniff out
some mail for us?
Oh, right here.
That's a bill.
Another bill.
Bill.
Bill.
Bill!
That's all.
Uh, Mr. Drucker,
do you have to x-ray
all my mail?
Oh, it ain't anything
to worry about.
As long as I got
this hat on, everything's
highly confidential.
Yes, well, I--
Isn't there
anything from Eb?
- No, ma'am.
- Well, that's strange.
I thought we would
hear from him by now.
He's on his honeymoon.
- He probably
hasn't got time to write.
- Why not?
Oh, well, uh, he--
Uh, I--
I am worried about him.
You got something else
to worry about.
Like what?
These bills.
Lisa! Lisa!
- Will you come
into the kitchen, please?
- I'm doing my nails.
Oh, for--
Lisa.
How do you do?
Lisa, I--
Ah, there you are.
I've been
waiting for you.
Uh, yes.
When you holler to me
to come into the kitchen,
I come into the kitchen.
- Yeah, I don't--
- There's one thing about
a Hungarian woman--
- She is holler-trained.
- Will you be quiet?
That's another thing.
We're quiet-trained too.
When a husband tells us
to be quiet, we're quiet.
- You through?
- With what?
With this silly prattle.
I want to talk to you
about these bills.
Look--
Do you like
this color?
Yes, it's very ni-- I--
It's called
"Blushing Bride."
That's another thing
about Hungarian women--
All brides
are blush-trained.
How long are you
gonna keep talking?
Until you forget
about the bills.
Well, I'm not about
to forget about them.
Look here--
shoes, coats,
a hat-- $75.
What is this bill here?
East River Van and Storage, $96.
We've been getting
one of these bills
every year for three years.
- Now, for what?
- For storing something.
- For storing what?
- I don't remember.
How can you store something
and not remember what it is?
- I didn't want to lose it.
- Try to remember.
Remember what?
What it is
that's in storage.
What it is.
How about our grand piano?
We don't have
a grand piano.
Then it couldn't
be that.
Well, I'm not about
to go on paying $96 a year...
for storing something
when we don't know what it is.
- Well, then don't pay the bill.
- Then they'll sell it.
How could they sell
your "what-it-is"?
They have that right!
Well, that isn't my idea
of democracy in action.
Lisa,
the whole argument is silly.
I'll call them tomorrow...
and ask them what it is
in storage, and we'll--
[ Liquid Splattering ]
What is that?
It's raining.
I told the Monroe brothers
to fix that hole!
Well, you wanted
the phone in here,
so they had to make that...
to get the wire
in from the pole.
They didn't have to make--
Here, hold this.
Hello, Sarah?
[ Grunts, Groans ]
[ Nasally ]
Lisa!
Will you be more--
Uh, Sarah.
I wanna talk
to the Monroe brothers.
[ Phone Ringing ]
Answer the phone,
Ralph.
I answered it last time.
It's your turn.
[ Ringing Continues ]
- Good evenin', Monroe Brothers.
- You stupid knucklehead!
Just a minute.
It's for you, Ralph.
Howdy doody,
Harvey honey.
This is not Harvey honey.
It's Oliver honey.
I mean, uh, it's,
uh, Mr. Douglas honey.
Oh, it's you.
Is it raining
over at your place?
Yes, right through that hole
in the ceiling you made.
We made?
Just a minute.
Alf, did we make a hole
in Mr. Douglas's ceiling?
I don't know.
I'll have to look it up
in his file.
Alf's looking it up
in your file.
You don't have to look it up!
We wanna make sure
it's your hole
and not somebody else's.
It's mine, all right!
Look, I want you over here
in the morning to fix it!
- How is it, Ralph?
- Fine. I can't see you.
Oh, it's all fixed,
Mr. Douglas.
Oh, good. Good.
Hello.
Hello?
[ Chuckles ]
What's the matter
with the phone here?
Hello.
- Who cut the wire?
- We did.
- What for?
- Well, you didn't want
the hole in the ceiling.
If you don't have the hole,
you can't have the wire
coming through.
I wanted the wire.
Then you got to have
the hole.
Look, I've to call New York.
What am I going to use
for a phone?
There's a phone
on top of the pole.
[ Groans ]
East River
Van and Storage Company.
May I help you?
- Eh, yes, I'd like to--
- One moment, please.
- Hello?
- Hello.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking
to the van and storage.
Did you find out
what the "what-is-it" is?
Eh, no-- Hello?
Good morning, East River
Van and Storage Company.
May I help you?
Uh, yes. My name is
Oliver Wendell Douglas.
- So?
- Well, I've been
storing something there...
- for about three years and I--
- What is it?
Well, I don't know what
is it or what it is. That's
what I'd like to find out.
Mister,
everything stored here
is confidential,
and we don't
give out information
to just any nut that calls.
I'm not just any nut.
My name is
Oliver Wendell Douglas.
- So?
- Will you stop saying "so"?
- So, what do you
want me to say?
- So, I want you to say...
what is it--
er, what it is
that I have...
in st--
I stored there.
Pretty early in the day
to be stoned, isn't it?
I am not stoned.
Look, how do I find out
what it is I have stored there?
- Did you store it?
- No, my wife did.
- Then why don't
you ask your wife?
- She can't remember.
Oh, she's got
a drinking problem too.
No--
Uh, would you send it to me,
whatever is it-- it is?
If you will send us
a notarized authorization,
we will be glad to oblige.
- Thanks.
- Well, what it is?
We'll find out
when it gets here.
What the--
What is that?
What is what?
That big crate!
Where is it from?
Two men delivered this
from the East River
Van and Storage Company.
Said you ordered it
two weeks ago.
They're gonna send you a bill
for the freight charges-- $298.
$298?
After they saw the house,
I had a hard time convincing 'em
you were good for it.
They never told me
the charges would be--
Come over here!
What does this mean?
- I'm sure I don't know.
- Holy smoke.
It's a Dooly Hickens original.
Who is Dooly Hickens?
He's only the greatest
"cratewriter" in the county.
Cratewriter?
Most art experts think
Dooly's a lot better
than Brad Klingwell.
He's a "fencewriter."
Oh, he's done
some sidewalk work too.
Look,
can you open this crate?
Have you got
the price book, Ralph?
It's in the box.
We have to find out
what the freight crate rate is.
The freight
crate rate.
For this state.
Yeah, we have a state
freight crate rate.
Will you--
Here it is.
Opening crates--
$3.10 an hour.
3.10 an hour?
I'll open it myself.
Good luck.
We'll be working
in the bedroom.
And don't come in
for any free advice.
Don't worry, I won't.
Now, uh,
I've got to get something
to pry this open with.
Oh, in Hungary
they don't use a "pryer."
All you have to do
is find the nerve center.
- The what?
- The nerve center.
I heard her.
But you didn't understand her.
I could tell
from the blank expression
on your face.
I thought you were
supposed to be working?
Bye.
Bye.
What are you doing?
Looking for
the nerve center.
That's where you push,
and then the whole crate
falls apart.
Oh, sure, it does.
- That wasn't it.
- No, I didn't think so.
- That wasn't it either.
- Lisa, you're
wasting your time.
You can't op--
[ Creaking ]
- That was it.
- How did you--
What--
What is that?
Now I remember!
This is the present
that I bought you...
for your birthday
three years ago
that you didn't get.
That was one of the nicest
birthdays I ever had.
What do you mean by that?
Oh, uh, nothing.
I bought it for you
to put it out on the terrace
of the penthouse in New York,
but they couldn't get it
in the elevator to bring it up,
so I put it in the storage.
You mean to tell me,
I've been paying $96 a year
to store that?
Don't you like it?
It's a genuine Stavinsky.
Who's Stavinsky?
Don't you know
who Ladislaus Stavinsky is?
Well, I guess I've been
spending too much time
in the barn lately.
He is a great artist.
He's not
a bad plumber either.
Oliver, if you don't
like it now, don't worry.
It'll grow on you.
Oh, no, it won't.
I'm not gonna get
that close to it.
Uh, look. Uh--
What does it represent?
I mean,
what did the plumber
have in mind when he--
he lumped
all this together?
Can't you tell?
It's a bird's bath!
A bird--
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Now, I can--
No, I can't.
You will,
when you see it work.
Turn it on.
[ Hissing ]
Ooh!
What happened?
Well, you turned on
the cat scarer.
The what?
It scares away the cats...
while the birds
are taking their baths.
Oh!
Hey, that's very, uh--
Why don't you
fill it up with water,
and we can watch the birds
taking their baths.
Don't you think that would be
a little embarrassing for them?
Oh, no, no.
They don't take off
their feathers.
That's why the boy birds
and the girl birds can take
their baths together.
Well, if it's all right
with the authorities,
it's all right with me.
Why don't you fill it up
and turn it on?
No, no.
Not right now.
I'd like
to get used to it
just sitting there...
not doing anything.
[ Wind Howling ]
[ Pipes Whistling
In The Wind ]
[ Whistling Continues ]
Oliver.
Huh? What?
You-You--
You're whistling
in your sleep.
Oh?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- [ Whistling ]
- That isn't me.
- [ Whistling Continues ]
- What is that?
- Maybe it's a burglar trying
to steal your Stavinsky.
Oh. Well--
Aren't you going to do
anything about it?
Yep, I'm gonna call the sheriff
first thing in the morning.
Good night.
[ Whistling Continues ]
Oliver,
they're still there.
If you're not going to do
anything about it, I will.
Look, Lisa.
If they're gonna steal,
I wouldn't interfere.
You might
make them mad.
You're afraid.
I'm not afraid,
I--
I married
a chicken husband.
Wait a second.
[ Whistling ]
Ooh!
Oh!
I'm sorry, darling.
I thought
you were the burglar.
There's no burglar
out there.
Well, there was somebody
out there whistling.
There's nobody out there.
I'll show you.
[ Clanging ]
[ Oliver Groans ]
If nobody was out there,
who hit you?
That thing! I forgot
it was in front of the porch.
One of the pipes-- Ooh!
[ Whistling ]
Shh.
He's back again.
Lisa, you know what that is.
That's the wind whistling
through the pipes.
Oh, now I remember.
Mr. Stavinsky designed it...
so that
"ven" the "vind" blows
it "vistles,"
"Ven the vind blows
it vistles."
The "vistle"
attracts the birds...
and they know where
to come to take their baths.
Good night.
Oh, we can't leave it out there.
Somebody might steal it.
Good night.
[ Wolf Whistle ]
Doggone,
their plumbin' has come
right up out of the ground.
Oh, Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas!
Sh-Sh-Shh.
Quiet. Quiet.
[ Clanging ]
[ Oliver Groans ]
- You, stupid--
- [ Shouting ]
Mr. Douglas!
Quiet.
My wife is sleeping.
- I tell you what I want.
- That'll be $98.
What for?
For pushin' your plumbin'
back in the ground.
That's not my plumbing.
My wife gave that to me.
It's my birthday present.
Oh, well,
happy birthday.
It was three years ago.
Oh, and you just figured out
how to put it together.
- No. It came that way.
- Why?
Look, I tell you
what I want you to do.
I want you to hook it up
to your truck and dump it
in Simpson's Swamp.
- [ Shouts ]
Simpson's Swamp?
- Shh!
- What is it gonna cost me?
- Fifty dollars.
[ Shouts ]
Fifty dollars!
Shh!
Why is it
gonna cost me $50?
Well, it shouldn't,
but that's the way I am.
I'll give you 10.
Now, I want you to
hook it up to your truck--
- Hook what up to your truck?
- Oh, uh-- Uh, yes.
[ Chuckles ]
I was just saying
to Mr. Haney, I want him to,
uh, hitch this to his truck...
and, uh, take it around
to the side of the house.
I thought you said
Simpson's Swamp?
Well, I didn't mean
Simpson's Swamp.
Well, whatever you mean,
it came out Simpson's Swamp.
Good-bye, Mr. Haney.
- That'll be $7.00.
- For what?
For almost
dumpin' this thing
into Simpson's Swamp.
Out!
All right.
Oliver, you didn't tell
Mr. Haney to take this--
Oh, Lisa.
Why would I do
a thing like that?
I love
this beautiful
birdbath.
It's also a lie detector.
[ Sputtering ]
Oh, you miserable--
[ Hissing,
Splashing ]
Oliver. Oliver,
that's the cat scarer.
[ Hissing ]
Th-Th-The what?
On the "birdbatz."
The "birdbatz"?
There must be a cat out there
bothering the birds.
Fine. Fine.
Well, if you're not going
to do anything about it--
Oliver.
Oh, for--
Come out here.
Quick!
What's the matter?
- [ Clanging ]
- Darling.
It isn't a cat.
It's Mr. Kimball.
- Hello there.
- Guess what. Mr. Kimball
has one of these too.
Well, bully for him.
You have?
Oh, not me.
My sister's.
Oh, I couldn't afford
a real Stavinsky.
Boy, you can't mistake
his work though.
Nobody uses
tire chains
like he does.
Oh, he's pretty good
with the faucets too.
- Makes wonderful popcorn,
doesn't it?
- This one doesn't.
- This is a birdbath.
- Oh? Hmm.
Must've been
one of his later works.
He did my sister's
during his Popcorn Period.
Great artist.
You know,
there must be something
about this that escapes me.
- Has it sneezed
for you yet?
- Sneezed?
Yes, my sister's sneezes
when the wind blows.
- This one vistles.
- How about that?
I thought
he only made sneezers.
Uh, that must have been
during his Gesundheit Period.
Uh, Mr. Kimball,
do you think your sister
would let us come over...
and look at her Stavinsky?
Oh. Well,
she doesn't have it anymore.
She felt guilty
about keeping such a great
work of art for herself,
so she donated it
to the state museum.
- Of what?
- Modern art.
It's in the main lobby.
Outdrew the Mona Lisa.
People come from all over
to watch it make popcorn
and listen to it sneeze.
Oh, I can see
where that would be
a great crowd-pleaser.
Tell you one thing though.
Sure knocked the props
out of the county museum.
They don't have a Stavinsky.
They don't have
a Stavinsky?
Lisa, do you think
it's easy for me to part
with something like this?
But, Oliver,
it is your birthday present.
Yes, but it would be selfish
of me to keep a great work
of art like this all to myself.
I'm gonna give it
to the world!
They deserve it.
Oliver, you're a great man.
- Aw, really, I--
- You think more of others
than others think of you.
- What?
- You're all heart
and a mile wide.
Thank you.
I'll call the county museum.
All right.
But don't worry,
I'm going to buy you
something else
for your birthday.
Would you like a Latouche?
- Well, I, uh--
- They had
a beautiful Latouche...
where I bought
the Stavinsky.
It was the model of
the Leaning Tower of Pisa
made out of paper clips.
Yes, that's fine.
But why don't you
first let me...
dump the-- er, uh,
donate the Stavinsky, huh?
And then we'll talk
about the Latouche, hmm?
Mr. Douglas, the man
from the museum is here.
Oh, I'll be right out.
[ Clanging ]
He'll be right out as soon
as his head stops clanging.
Mr. Douglas,
this is Mr. Bennett,
the man from the museum.
Mr. Bennett,
this is Mr. Douglas, the man
who just had his head clanged.
[ Chuckles ]
Thank you.
And now get back
to work, hmm?
Mr. Douglas, I can't tell you
how excited I've been
ever since you called me.
May I?
Yes.
Uh, help yourself.
You don't know
what it means to the museum
to have you donate...
this magnificent work--
What are you
trying to pull?
- I beg your pardon?
- Trying to palm off
a fake Stavinsky?
A fake?
Of course. Everybody knows
that Stavinsky never worked
in half-inch pipe.
He was strictly
a three-quarter-inch man.
And as if that weren't enough,
to top it off,
look at the tire chains.
- Well, they look
all right to me.
- Mr. Douglas,
Stavinsky never hung
his chains that low.
Well, maybe they slipped down
when they shipped it.
And these faucets,
they're just not Stavinsky.
I'm afraid I can't accept
this poor imitation.
Look, an imitation
is better than nothing.
I tell you what I'll do.
I'll crate it up for you
and ship it off to the museum.
It won't cost you
a penny.
What is that?
- Oh, that's
the crate it came in.
- No, I mean, it couldn't be.
But it is.
This is a Dooly Hickens--
a real Dooly Hickens.
Why, this is almost as great
an example of graffiti
as his pickle barrel slat,
with "Henry VIII
is a sloppy eater"
printed on the side of it.
You must have seen
that in New York
in the Metropolitan Museum?
Uh, no, no.
I don't think I got up
to that floor.
Now,
about the pipes--
Mr. Douglas,
I know I'm being
tremendously presumptuous,
but would you
consider donating
this to the museum?
Uh, Mr. Bennett,
I'll make a deal with you.
If you want
the Dooly Hickens,
you've got to take
"The Plumber's Friend."
But I--
I don't want
to break up the set.
Mr. Douglas,
you've got a deal.
Oliver, I miss it.
Miss what?
The Stavinsky.
Honey,
they took that away
three weeks ago.
Well,
I still miss it.
Don't you?
Yes. And we're
not the only ones.
Two birds showed up this
morning with a cake of soap,
wanted to take a bath.
I hardly knew
how to break the news
to them.
Well, they could've used
our shower.
Uh, 'scuse me, Mrs. Douglas.
It's here. I brought it over
on the truck.
You brought
what over?
I wanted it
to be a surprise.
Brought what over?
Mr. Haney, could you--
Well, darling, birthdays
are more important to men,
because women
never count them.
And I didn't want you
to be without a present,
even though
it was three years ago.
So, if you'll come outside,
I'll show you what it is.
But, Lisa--
Close your eyes.
I don't want--
Close them!
But I don't--
Close them!
And don't open it
until I tell you.
Now.
Now.
Now you can open them.
Holy smoke,
the Eiffel Tower!
Oh, this isn't the real one.
This is a life-size model
by Latouche.
By La--
Remember the fellow
I told you about...
who made a model
of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
in paper clips?
Yes, but--
This one is all
out of wire hangers.
Do you know how many suits
he had to have pressed
to get enough hangers for this?
Why, over 200!
Oliver?
Oliver.
He just turned pale
and run into the house.
- I guess he didn't like it.
- He's so hard
to buy anything for.
What are you
gonna do with it?
Well, I guess you better
pull it apart, and we'll
ship it back.
Yes, ma'am.
Art.
[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.
♪ Green Acres ♪
♪ Is the place to be ♪
♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪
[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪
♪ The chores ♪
♪ The stores ♪
- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪
- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪
[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪
Good morning,
Mr. Drucker.
Oh, mornin', Mrs. Douglas.
Mr. Douglas.
Morning, Mr. Drucker.
Anything for me?
[ Sniffs ]
Mmm!
- Newt's got
a new girlfriend.
- [ Sniffing ]
Ooh!
She's very pretty.
- [ Sniffing ]
- Mr. Drucker,
would you see
if you could sniff out
some mail for us?
Oh, right here.
That's a bill.
Another bill.
Bill.
Bill.
Bill!
That's all.
Uh, Mr. Drucker,
do you have to x-ray
all my mail?
Oh, it ain't anything
to worry about.
As long as I got
this hat on, everything's
highly confidential.
Yes, well, I--
Isn't there
anything from Eb?
- No, ma'am.
- Well, that's strange.
I thought we would
hear from him by now.
He's on his honeymoon.
- He probably
hasn't got time to write.
- Why not?
Oh, well, uh, he--
Uh, I--
I am worried about him.
You got something else
to worry about.
Like what?
These bills.
Lisa! Lisa!
- Will you come
into the kitchen, please?
- I'm doing my nails.
Oh, for--
Lisa.
How do you do?
Lisa, I--
Ah, there you are.
I've been
waiting for you.
Uh, yes.
When you holler to me
to come into the kitchen,
I come into the kitchen.
- Yeah, I don't--
- There's one thing about
a Hungarian woman--
- She is holler-trained.
- Will you be quiet?
That's another thing.
We're quiet-trained too.
When a husband tells us
to be quiet, we're quiet.
- You through?
- With what?
With this silly prattle.
I want to talk to you
about these bills.
Look--
Do you like
this color?
Yes, it's very ni-- I--
It's called
"Blushing Bride."
That's another thing
about Hungarian women--
All brides
are blush-trained.
How long are you
gonna keep talking?
Until you forget
about the bills.
Well, I'm not about
to forget about them.
Look here--
shoes, coats,
a hat-- $75.
What is this bill here?
East River Van and Storage, $96.
We've been getting
one of these bills
every year for three years.
- Now, for what?
- For storing something.
- For storing what?
- I don't remember.
How can you store something
and not remember what it is?
- I didn't want to lose it.
- Try to remember.
Remember what?
What it is
that's in storage.
What it is.
How about our grand piano?
We don't have
a grand piano.
Then it couldn't
be that.
Well, I'm not about
to go on paying $96 a year...
for storing something
when we don't know what it is.
- Well, then don't pay the bill.
- Then they'll sell it.
How could they sell
your "what-it-is"?
They have that right!
Well, that isn't my idea
of democracy in action.
Lisa,
the whole argument is silly.
I'll call them tomorrow...
and ask them what it is
in storage, and we'll--
[ Liquid Splattering ]
What is that?
It's raining.
I told the Monroe brothers
to fix that hole!
Well, you wanted
the phone in here,
so they had to make that...
to get the wire
in from the pole.
They didn't have to make--
Here, hold this.
Hello, Sarah?
[ Grunts, Groans ]
[ Nasally ]
Lisa!
Will you be more--
Uh, Sarah.
I wanna talk
to the Monroe brothers.
[ Phone Ringing ]
Answer the phone,
Ralph.
I answered it last time.
It's your turn.
[ Ringing Continues ]
- Good evenin', Monroe Brothers.
- You stupid knucklehead!
Just a minute.
It's for you, Ralph.
Howdy doody,
Harvey honey.
This is not Harvey honey.
It's Oliver honey.
I mean, uh, it's,
uh, Mr. Douglas honey.
Oh, it's you.
Is it raining
over at your place?
Yes, right through that hole
in the ceiling you made.
We made?
Just a minute.
Alf, did we make a hole
in Mr. Douglas's ceiling?
I don't know.
I'll have to look it up
in his file.
Alf's looking it up
in your file.
You don't have to look it up!
We wanna make sure
it's your hole
and not somebody else's.
It's mine, all right!
Look, I want you over here
in the morning to fix it!
- How is it, Ralph?
- Fine. I can't see you.
Oh, it's all fixed,
Mr. Douglas.
Oh, good. Good.
Hello.
Hello?
[ Chuckles ]
What's the matter
with the phone here?
Hello.
- Who cut the wire?
- We did.
- What for?
- Well, you didn't want
the hole in the ceiling.
If you don't have the hole,
you can't have the wire
coming through.
I wanted the wire.
Then you got to have
the hole.
Look, I've to call New York.
What am I going to use
for a phone?
There's a phone
on top of the pole.
[ Groans ]
East River
Van and Storage Company.
May I help you?
- Eh, yes, I'd like to--
- One moment, please.
- Hello?
- Hello.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking
to the van and storage.
Did you find out
what the "what-is-it" is?
Eh, no-- Hello?
Good morning, East River
Van and Storage Company.
May I help you?
Uh, yes. My name is
Oliver Wendell Douglas.
- So?
- Well, I've been
storing something there...
- for about three years and I--
- What is it?
Well, I don't know what
is it or what it is. That's
what I'd like to find out.
Mister,
everything stored here
is confidential,
and we don't
give out information
to just any nut that calls.
I'm not just any nut.
My name is
Oliver Wendell Douglas.
- So?
- Will you stop saying "so"?
- So, what do you
want me to say?
- So, I want you to say...
what is it--
er, what it is
that I have...
in st--
I stored there.
Pretty early in the day
to be stoned, isn't it?
I am not stoned.
Look, how do I find out
what it is I have stored there?
- Did you store it?
- No, my wife did.
- Then why don't
you ask your wife?
- She can't remember.
Oh, she's got
a drinking problem too.
No--
Uh, would you send it to me,
whatever is it-- it is?
If you will send us
a notarized authorization,
we will be glad to oblige.
- Thanks.
- Well, what it is?
We'll find out
when it gets here.
What the--
What is that?
What is what?
That big crate!
Where is it from?
Two men delivered this
from the East River
Van and Storage Company.
Said you ordered it
two weeks ago.
They're gonna send you a bill
for the freight charges-- $298.
$298?
After they saw the house,
I had a hard time convincing 'em
you were good for it.
They never told me
the charges would be--
Come over here!
What does this mean?
- I'm sure I don't know.
- Holy smoke.
It's a Dooly Hickens original.
Who is Dooly Hickens?
He's only the greatest
"cratewriter" in the county.
Cratewriter?
Most art experts think
Dooly's a lot better
than Brad Klingwell.
He's a "fencewriter."
Oh, he's done
some sidewalk work too.
Look,
can you open this crate?
Have you got
the price book, Ralph?
It's in the box.
We have to find out
what the freight crate rate is.
The freight
crate rate.
For this state.
Yeah, we have a state
freight crate rate.
Will you--
Here it is.
Opening crates--
$3.10 an hour.
3.10 an hour?
I'll open it myself.
Good luck.
We'll be working
in the bedroom.
And don't come in
for any free advice.
Don't worry, I won't.
Now, uh,
I've got to get something
to pry this open with.
Oh, in Hungary
they don't use a "pryer."
All you have to do
is find the nerve center.
- The what?
- The nerve center.
I heard her.
But you didn't understand her.
I could tell
from the blank expression
on your face.
I thought you were
supposed to be working?
Bye.
Bye.
What are you doing?
Looking for
the nerve center.
That's where you push,
and then the whole crate
falls apart.
Oh, sure, it does.
- That wasn't it.
- No, I didn't think so.
- That wasn't it either.
- Lisa, you're
wasting your time.
You can't op--
[ Creaking ]
- That was it.
- How did you--
What--
What is that?
Now I remember!
This is the present
that I bought you...
for your birthday
three years ago
that you didn't get.
That was one of the nicest
birthdays I ever had.
What do you mean by that?
Oh, uh, nothing.
I bought it for you
to put it out on the terrace
of the penthouse in New York,
but they couldn't get it
in the elevator to bring it up,
so I put it in the storage.
You mean to tell me,
I've been paying $96 a year
to store that?
Don't you like it?
It's a genuine Stavinsky.
Who's Stavinsky?
Don't you know
who Ladislaus Stavinsky is?
Well, I guess I've been
spending too much time
in the barn lately.
He is a great artist.
He's not
a bad plumber either.
Oliver, if you don't
like it now, don't worry.
It'll grow on you.
Oh, no, it won't.
I'm not gonna get
that close to it.
Uh, look. Uh--
What does it represent?
I mean,
what did the plumber
have in mind when he--
he lumped
all this together?
Can't you tell?
It's a bird's bath!
A bird--
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Now, I can--
No, I can't.
You will,
when you see it work.
Turn it on.
[ Hissing ]
Ooh!
What happened?
Well, you turned on
the cat scarer.
The what?
It scares away the cats...
while the birds
are taking their baths.
Oh!
Hey, that's very, uh--
Why don't you
fill it up with water,
and we can watch the birds
taking their baths.
Don't you think that would be
a little embarrassing for them?
Oh, no, no.
They don't take off
their feathers.
That's why the boy birds
and the girl birds can take
their baths together.
Well, if it's all right
with the authorities,
it's all right with me.
Why don't you fill it up
and turn it on?
No, no.
Not right now.
I'd like
to get used to it
just sitting there...
not doing anything.
[ Wind Howling ]
[ Pipes Whistling
In The Wind ]
[ Whistling Continues ]
Oliver.
Huh? What?
You-You--
You're whistling
in your sleep.
Oh?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- [ Whistling ]
- That isn't me.
- [ Whistling Continues ]
- What is that?
- Maybe it's a burglar trying
to steal your Stavinsky.
Oh. Well--
Aren't you going to do
anything about it?
Yep, I'm gonna call the sheriff
first thing in the morning.
Good night.
[ Whistling Continues ]
Oliver,
they're still there.
If you're not going to do
anything about it, I will.
Look, Lisa.
If they're gonna steal,
I wouldn't interfere.
You might
make them mad.
You're afraid.
I'm not afraid,
I--
I married
a chicken husband.
Wait a second.
[ Whistling ]
Ooh!
Oh!
I'm sorry, darling.
I thought
you were the burglar.
There's no burglar
out there.
Well, there was somebody
out there whistling.
There's nobody out there.
I'll show you.
[ Clanging ]
[ Oliver Groans ]
If nobody was out there,
who hit you?
That thing! I forgot
it was in front of the porch.
One of the pipes-- Ooh!
[ Whistling ]
Shh.
He's back again.
Lisa, you know what that is.
That's the wind whistling
through the pipes.
Oh, now I remember.
Mr. Stavinsky designed it...
so that
"ven" the "vind" blows
it "vistles,"
"Ven the vind blows
it vistles."
The "vistle"
attracts the birds...
and they know where
to come to take their baths.
Good night.
Oh, we can't leave it out there.
Somebody might steal it.
Good night.
[ Wolf Whistle ]
Doggone,
their plumbin' has come
right up out of the ground.
Oh, Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas!
Sh-Sh-Shh.
Quiet. Quiet.
[ Clanging ]
[ Oliver Groans ]
- You, stupid--
- [ Shouting ]
Mr. Douglas!
Quiet.
My wife is sleeping.
- I tell you what I want.
- That'll be $98.
What for?
For pushin' your plumbin'
back in the ground.
That's not my plumbing.
My wife gave that to me.
It's my birthday present.
Oh, well,
happy birthday.
It was three years ago.
Oh, and you just figured out
how to put it together.
- No. It came that way.
- Why?
Look, I tell you
what I want you to do.
I want you to hook it up
to your truck and dump it
in Simpson's Swamp.
- [ Shouts ]
Simpson's Swamp?
- Shh!
- What is it gonna cost me?
- Fifty dollars.
[ Shouts ]
Fifty dollars!
Shh!
Why is it
gonna cost me $50?
Well, it shouldn't,
but that's the way I am.
I'll give you 10.
Now, I want you to
hook it up to your truck--
- Hook what up to your truck?
- Oh, uh-- Uh, yes.
[ Chuckles ]
I was just saying
to Mr. Haney, I want him to,
uh, hitch this to his truck...
and, uh, take it around
to the side of the house.
I thought you said
Simpson's Swamp?
Well, I didn't mean
Simpson's Swamp.
Well, whatever you mean,
it came out Simpson's Swamp.
Good-bye, Mr. Haney.
- That'll be $7.00.
- For what?
For almost
dumpin' this thing
into Simpson's Swamp.
Out!
All right.
Oliver, you didn't tell
Mr. Haney to take this--
Oh, Lisa.
Why would I do
a thing like that?
I love
this beautiful
birdbath.
It's also a lie detector.
[ Sputtering ]
Oh, you miserable--
[ Hissing,
Splashing ]
Oliver. Oliver,
that's the cat scarer.
[ Hissing ]
Th-Th-The what?
On the "birdbatz."
The "birdbatz"?
There must be a cat out there
bothering the birds.
Fine. Fine.
Well, if you're not going
to do anything about it--
Oliver.
Oh, for--
Come out here.
Quick!
What's the matter?
- [ Clanging ]
- Darling.
It isn't a cat.
It's Mr. Kimball.
- Hello there.
- Guess what. Mr. Kimball
has one of these too.
Well, bully for him.
You have?
Oh, not me.
My sister's.
Oh, I couldn't afford
a real Stavinsky.
Boy, you can't mistake
his work though.
Nobody uses
tire chains
like he does.
Oh, he's pretty good
with the faucets too.
- Makes wonderful popcorn,
doesn't it?
- This one doesn't.
- This is a birdbath.
- Oh? Hmm.
Must've been
one of his later works.
He did my sister's
during his Popcorn Period.
Great artist.
You know,
there must be something
about this that escapes me.
- Has it sneezed
for you yet?
- Sneezed?
Yes, my sister's sneezes
when the wind blows.
- This one vistles.
- How about that?
I thought
he only made sneezers.
Uh, that must have been
during his Gesundheit Period.
Uh, Mr. Kimball,
do you think your sister
would let us come over...
and look at her Stavinsky?
Oh. Well,
she doesn't have it anymore.
She felt guilty
about keeping such a great
work of art for herself,
so she donated it
to the state museum.
- Of what?
- Modern art.
It's in the main lobby.
Outdrew the Mona Lisa.
People come from all over
to watch it make popcorn
and listen to it sneeze.
Oh, I can see
where that would be
a great crowd-pleaser.
Tell you one thing though.
Sure knocked the props
out of the county museum.
They don't have a Stavinsky.
They don't have
a Stavinsky?
Lisa, do you think
it's easy for me to part
with something like this?
But, Oliver,
it is your birthday present.
Yes, but it would be selfish
of me to keep a great work
of art like this all to myself.
I'm gonna give it
to the world!
They deserve it.
Oliver, you're a great man.
- Aw, really, I--
- You think more of others
than others think of you.
- What?
- You're all heart
and a mile wide.
Thank you.
I'll call the county museum.
All right.
But don't worry,
I'm going to buy you
something else
for your birthday.
Would you like a Latouche?
- Well, I, uh--
- They had
a beautiful Latouche...
where I bought
the Stavinsky.
It was the model of
the Leaning Tower of Pisa
made out of paper clips.
Yes, that's fine.
But why don't you
first let me...
dump the-- er, uh,
donate the Stavinsky, huh?
And then we'll talk
about the Latouche, hmm?
Mr. Douglas, the man
from the museum is here.
Oh, I'll be right out.
[ Clanging ]
He'll be right out as soon
as his head stops clanging.
Mr. Douglas,
this is Mr. Bennett,
the man from the museum.
Mr. Bennett,
this is Mr. Douglas, the man
who just had his head clanged.
[ Chuckles ]
Thank you.
And now get back
to work, hmm?
Mr. Douglas, I can't tell you
how excited I've been
ever since you called me.
May I?
Yes.
Uh, help yourself.
You don't know
what it means to the museum
to have you donate...
this magnificent work--
What are you
trying to pull?
- I beg your pardon?
- Trying to palm off
a fake Stavinsky?
A fake?
Of course. Everybody knows
that Stavinsky never worked
in half-inch pipe.
He was strictly
a three-quarter-inch man.
And as if that weren't enough,
to top it off,
look at the tire chains.
- Well, they look
all right to me.
- Mr. Douglas,
Stavinsky never hung
his chains that low.
Well, maybe they slipped down
when they shipped it.
And these faucets,
they're just not Stavinsky.
I'm afraid I can't accept
this poor imitation.
Look, an imitation
is better than nothing.
I tell you what I'll do.
I'll crate it up for you
and ship it off to the museum.
It won't cost you
a penny.
What is that?
- Oh, that's
the crate it came in.
- No, I mean, it couldn't be.
But it is.
This is a Dooly Hickens--
a real Dooly Hickens.
Why, this is almost as great
an example of graffiti
as his pickle barrel slat,
with "Henry VIII
is a sloppy eater"
printed on the side of it.
You must have seen
that in New York
in the Metropolitan Museum?
Uh, no, no.
I don't think I got up
to that floor.
Now,
about the pipes--
Mr. Douglas,
I know I'm being
tremendously presumptuous,
but would you
consider donating
this to the museum?
Uh, Mr. Bennett,
I'll make a deal with you.
If you want
the Dooly Hickens,
you've got to take
"The Plumber's Friend."
But I--
I don't want
to break up the set.
Mr. Douglas,
you've got a deal.
Oliver, I miss it.
Miss what?
The Stavinsky.
Honey,
they took that away
three weeks ago.
Well,
I still miss it.
Don't you?
Yes. And we're
not the only ones.
Two birds showed up this
morning with a cake of soap,
wanted to take a bath.
I hardly knew
how to break the news
to them.
Well, they could've used
our shower.
Uh, 'scuse me, Mrs. Douglas.
It's here. I brought it over
on the truck.
You brought
what over?
I wanted it
to be a surprise.
Brought what over?
Mr. Haney, could you--
Well, darling, birthdays
are more important to men,
because women
never count them.
And I didn't want you
to be without a present,
even though
it was three years ago.
So, if you'll come outside,
I'll show you what it is.
But, Lisa--
Close your eyes.
I don't want--
Close them!
But I don't--
Close them!
And don't open it
until I tell you.
Now.
Now.
Now you can open them.
Holy smoke,
the Eiffel Tower!
Oh, this isn't the real one.
This is a life-size model
by Latouche.
By La--
Remember the fellow
I told you about...
who made a model
of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
in paper clips?
Yes, but--
This one is all
out of wire hangers.
Do you know how many suits
he had to have pressed
to get enough hangers for this?
Why, over 200!
Oliver?
Oliver.
He just turned pale
and run into the house.
- I guess he didn't like it.
- He's so hard
to buy anything for.
What are you
gonna do with it?
Well, I guess you better
pull it apart, and we'll
ship it back.
Yes, ma'am.
Art.
[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.