Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 3 - Love Comes to Arnold Ziffel - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Eb?
Eb, what the--

[ Loud Honk ]

Oh, Mrs. Ziffel.
What are you cry--

[ Deep Honk ]

- What the--
- [ Grunting ]

Lisa, what's
all the honking about?

It's Arnold.
What's the matter
with him?

He's in love.
[ Squeaky Honk ]

Will you stop
that honking?
So he's in love?

Who's the lucky girl?
Her name is Cynthia.

Cynthia? That's a pretty
fancy name for a pig.



That's what
all the honking is about.

She isn't a pig.
She's a "basket" hound.

A basket hound?

You know, with the long ears
and the sad eyes.

Oh, a basset hound.

Isn't that sad?
What's so sad
about it?

A stupid pig falls in love
with a basket h--
uh, a basset hound.

Arnold isn't stupid.

He's the only pig in school
with an "A" average.

Then he oughta be
smart enough not to
get involved with a dog.

He isn't involved.

He's in love.
And Cynthia
is in love with him.

Fine. When they get married,
we'll send them
a wedding gift.

It's not that simple.

Mr. Ziffel is trying
to break it up.

He doesn't think Cynthia
is good enough for Arnold.

Oh, no, no.
He likes Cynthia.

It's her father
he doesn't like--
Mr. Haney.

Oh, boy.

- Isn't that terrible?
- What's for dinner?

How can you think of food
at a time like this?

Lisa, I've gotta
keep my strength up.

I have a feeling
this is gonna be
a long, hot summer.

[ Ship's Horn Blows ]

[ Howling ]

[ Squealing ]
Now, Arnold, get away
from that door.

You ain't a-goin' out.
You hear me?

Fred,
stop yellin' at Arnold.
It's all her fault.

[ Howling ]

Cynthia Haney,
you go on home.

- Arnold ain't a-comin' out.
- [ Squealing ]

Fred, do you think you're
doin' the right thing?

Maybe you oughta
let Arnold go out and--

No pig of mine
is gonna run around
with any kin of Haney's.

[ Squealing, Grunting ]

Arnold, now, like I told ya,
you go on to your room.

[ Squealing ]

And tomorrow night, no supper
and no television.

[ Barking ]

Did you hear that?

Why, that hussy has taught him
to bark like a dog.

Well, it doesn't hurt
for somebody to know
another language.

Well, I don't know
another language,

and I got along pretty well.

Now you go on to your room
like I told ya.

[ Whimpering ]

And stop that dog-sobbin'.

[ Howling ]
Aroo!

How's anybody gonna sleep
with a lot of racket
like that?

Cynthia Haney! You go home,
or I'll have the law on you.

[ Howling ]

Mr. Douglas, do you
mean to tell me...

you can't get
an injunction against
this basket hound?

You see?
He said basket hound.
I don't care what he said.

- I thought you was a lawyer.
- I am a lawyer.

And I tell you
you can't get an injunction
against a basket hound.

Uh, b-basset. Ba--
Uh, basset.

Well, why not?
That mangy-lookin' Cynthia
is drivin' us nuts.

[ Squealing ]

Just for that, you don't
get your allowance.

[ Squeals ]

It's your fault, Fred.

You know how he feels
about her.
I don't care how he feels.

Mrs. Ziffel,
it isn't good to fight
in front of a child.

He's not a child!
He's a pig!

Oliver!

Mignon, take Arnold in
and let him turn on the TV.

[ Yaps ]

[ Barking ]

Did Arnold just--
[ Fred ]
Yeah.

That Cynthia's got him
talkin' like she does.

- [ Whimpering ]
- Go on, Arnold.

Shut the door.

Folks, please,
will you sit down?

Mr. Douglas, I'm goin'
outta my mind.

Is there anything legal
that can be done
about this hound?

You could call
a dogcatcher.

You don't know anything
about love, do you?

Well, I'm not
an expert at it.

I have looked
at Peyton Place
a couple of times.

If Mr. Ziffel
would call a dogcatcher,
Arnold would never forgive him.

He'd probably run away
and marry Cynthia
just out of spite.

Look, we are talking
about a dog and a pig,
aren't we?

If you're in love,

what difference does it make
who you are?

Well, you can--
When I fell in love with you,
nobody said anything,

even though they knew
what you were.

What do you mean
what I were?

Do I have to say it
in front of your friends?

That's the most
ridiculous crack I--

Mr. Douglas, if we'd a-want
a-listen to a fight,
we'd a-stayed at home.

What we want to know
is how to get rid
of this Cynthia...

and break it up
between her and Arnold.

Why don't you go over
and see Mr. Haney...

and ask him
to keep his dog away?

No, no.
I don't talk to him.

- They been feudin'
for 10 years.
- What about?

Oh, I forget.
But it must've been
somethin' pretty terrible...

to make me
remember it this long.

Well, that makes
about as much sense...

as anything that's
been said here today.

Mr. Douglas, now we don't
want any sarcasm.

What we want is advice.

You want advice.
All right,
I'll give it to you.

You wanna break it up,
send Arnold back east
to military school.

Well, we thought of that,
but we couldn't afford it.

Look, Mr. Ziffel,
I wouldn't worry too much
about this if I were you.

These things have a way
of working themselves out.

Pretty soon,
a little blonde sow
will come along--

Arnold will forget
all about Cynthia.

You just hold
a good thought.

There it is, Cynthia.

After you win again
Saturday,

it's gonna be yours
permanent.

She hasn't been entered yet.

There's still a matter
of a two-dollar entry fee.

Ain't you
paid that yet?
No, she hasn't.

Well, uh,
she'll pay you tomorrow.
She forgot her purse.

Well, Mr. Haney.

- Mr. Drucker.
- Oh, hello, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas, I want you
to meet Cynthia.

Oh. So that's
Cynthia, huh?

Well, congratulations.
When's the wedding?

Oh, you've heard
about her and Grover.

Grover?
Yeah, her fiancé.

He's a well-to-do basset hound
over in Crabwell Corners.

- Oh. I thought Cynthia was--
- [ Murmurs ]

You thought what?

He thought that,
as long as she's engaged
to such a wealthy fella,

that he might lend her
the two dollars
for her entry fee.

That's a good idea, Sam.

Come on, Cynthia.
Let's go over
and sweet-talk Grover.

I'm sorry I shushed you,
Mr. Douglas,

but Haney don't know
about Cynthia and Arnold.

- Why?
- How do you tell a man his dog
is runnin' around with a pig?

Yeah. Yeah, I can see how--

Sure ain't easy
raisin' kids these days.

Uh, no. No.

Look, Mr. Drucker.
I'd like to order--

[ Dog Barking ]
Whoa, Quincy! Whoa!
Whoa, Quincy! Whoa!

Get down! Please!
[ Muttering ]

Go away. Wait.
Get down.

He's waiting for you
to kiss him.
I'm not gonna kiss him.

- Don't you like Irish setters?
- He sure seems
to like you, Mr. Douglas.

Yeah. He usually
doesn't take to people
on the first lick.

Have you got
any Irish in you?
No.

Then it must be
your green complexion.

Look, I just--
Course, he isn't
really from Ireland.

Although, he has a cousin
that lives in Dublin.

Quincy writes to him
every week.

Well, he doesn't
write to him.
I write to him.

Quincy dictates to me.
Yes, very good,
Mr. Kimball.

- Now could I order my--
- You gonna enter him
in the trials, Hank?

I sure am.
Oh, he's a smart dog.

Yeah, great hunting dog.

You ever see a dog
point like that?

Yes, if they were
hunting pickle barrels,
he'd win hands down.

Well, not hands down,
Mr. Douglas.

Paws down.
[ Chuckling ]

- Yeah. Now, Mr. Drucker--
- I never saw a dog point
at a pickle barrel before.

See, Quincy was born
in a cucumber patch.

Every time
he sees a pickle barrel,
he thinks it's his mother.

That's logical.
Uh, now--

That sure was confusing
when he was a pup.

I thought he was
a pickle pointer.

But when he grew up,
turned out to be
an Irish setter.

- I was hopin' he'd--
- Do you mind
if I order my food?

Oh, no. Go right ahead.
Thank you very much.
Now--

If you fellas are planning on
betting on the field trials,
put your money on Quincy.

- Think she can beat
Haney's dog?
- Hands down.

Well, not hands down.
Paws down.

I don't know why you
keep saying that,
Mr. Douglas.

I don't keep saying it,
Mr. Kimball.

Now--
Have you heard the way
Cynthia's been carrying on?

- Oh, yeah. We--
- Dog can't expect
to win a field trial...

if she's gonna break training,
run around all night
howling at a pig.

Hah! Now,
you take Quincy.

In bed every night
at 9:00.

No girls, no drinking.
All business.

Good for old Quincy. Now--
Even if he wasn't
in training,

I don't think
I'd let my dog
run around with a pig.

Would you let your dog
run around with a pig,
Mr. Douglas?

I don't care
who my dog runs around with.

Oh. That's the kind of stuff
they taught you in Harvard?
[ Scoffs ]

What's Harvard
got to do with it?

Do with what?
With my--

Look, please,
could I order?

I just want a few--
Oh, no. You go
right ahead, Mr. Doug--

Quincy and I have to do
our roadwork anyway.

Come, Quincy.
[ Yelps ]

Come. Heel.

Mush! Oh, stay there.

Gonna be real proud
of your son.

[ Gunfire ]
[ Whooping ]

[ Grunting ]

Arnold.
What are you doing here?

[ Grunting ]

Do you have to play
that thing so darn loud?
[ Volume Decreases ]

[ Volume Increases ]

Uh, Lisa, uh--

Oh, Oliver,
I wanted to tell you
we have a houseguest.

A houseguest?
Oh, Arnold.

What's he doing here anyway?
He's sitting in there
like the lord of the manor,

watching on my television set.

Well, you see--

Ah.

Who is the redhead?

Redhead? Oh.

Oh. That was an Irish setter
who was... kissing me.

I don't suppose
you bothered to tell her
that you are married.

Lisa, she was a dog.
Ah. Just like a man.

She lets you kiss her,
then you go around telling
everybody that she's a dog.

That's the way we are.
Now about Arnold.

First I want to hear more
about the Irish "settler."

Setter.
It's a hunting dog.

- And they go around
kissing people?
- Yes.

You know,
when you make up a story,
it sure is a "cockamammee."

Lisa, could we
get back to Arnold?

Mr. Ziffel asked me if he
could keep Arnold here
for a couple of days.

- What for?
- So when Cynthia comes around
the Ziffel house howling...

and Arnold isn't there and
she doesn't know where he is,
she'll forget about him.

At the same time,
if Arnold is here...

and he doesn't
hear Cynthia howling,
he'll forget about her.

That's a very good theory.
It has one flaw.

What is that?

Arnold is not
gonna stay here.
Oliver!

If he wants to take a love cure,
tell him to go to a sanitarium.

He doesn't do any harm.
All he does is sit there
watching television.

- I don't care what--
- [ Grunting ]

I guess
there's a commercial on.

I'm surprised he didn't
get a can of beer.

Oh, Oliver.
Lisa, call Mr. Ziffel
on the phone...

and tell him
to come over here
and get his pig.

I am not
going to do it.

Lisa.
No!

All right. If that's
the way you want it.

Just remember, you're the one
who sent me back to the arms
of the Irish settler.

Whoa.

[ TV Playing ]

[ Gunfire ]
[ Whooping ]

[ Grunting ]

Arnold, will you
turn that off?
I can't sleep.

Will you stop yelling,
"Turn that off.
I can't sleep"?

Because I can't sleep
if you keep yelling,

"Turn that off!
I can't sleep!"

I'm sorry,
but that set
is going off.

- [ TV Clicks Off ]
- [ Squealing ]

Well, you just made
another enemy.

Fine. Arnold, out.

- [ Squealing ]
- No back talk.

Well, he's just asking you
if he can take
the television set with him.

- Beat it!
- [ Squealing ]

[ Loud Squealing ]
Now what?

You better turn the light on.
He's afraid to sleep
in the dark.

That miserable--
[ Squealing Continues ]

[ Squealing Stops ]
Nighty-night.

Well, I've never seen
such "inhospitutily."

That's my middle name--
inhospitutily.

Watch it.

Good night.

Boy, am I glad
we're not married.

What was
that last remark?

Just wishful thinking.

[ Loud Howl ]

[ Howling ]

- [ Howling ]
- [ Grunting ]

[ Howling Continues ]

[ Squealing ]

Will you stop that!

[ Howling Continues ]
Would you stop it
if you were him,

with your girlfriend
out there howling?

- How did she find him here
anyway?
- [ Howling Continues ]

Go away!

I don't think she will.

It's just like that play--
Romeo and Julius.

Romeo and Julius?

You know, where
these two families
try to keep the kids apart.

And Julius went out
on the balcony every night,

and she said,
"'Romeo, Romeo.

Where art forth thou?'"

Where art forth thou?

Don't you remember
when we saw that play?

It's the most famous speech
in the whole play.

I must have missed it when
I went out to put another
nickel in the parking meter.

Well, the scene started
with Romeo coming
into the garden...

and saying, "'But, soft,
who broke that window
with the light yonder?'"

Who broke the window
with the light yon--

"'It is in the east,
and Julius has a son.'"

I should've left
the car home that night.

- [ Howling ]
- [ Squealing ]

Oh, for the love of--

[ Grunting ]
[ Barking ]

What did you
do that for?

Far be it from me
to keep Romeo
away from Julius.

See if you can find out
who broke that window
with the light yonder.

Mr. Ziffel is going to be
very mad at you.

I don't care. I just--
Well, I am not mad
at you.

I'm glad you did it.

It shows that
you have a soft heart
where your head is.

You're finally beginning
to notice that, huh?

And now, uh,
may we go to bed?

[ Rooster Crows ]

[ Grunting Softly ]

[ Barking Softly ]

[ Haney ]
Cynthia! Cynthia Haney!

Cynthia!

Cynthia!

[ Barking ]

[ Whimpering ]

Ain't no sense
in crying, Cynthia.

The only thing to do is
get you a good lawyer.

But, temporarily,
we'll have to settle
for Mr. Douglas.

Well, Mr. Haney--
Oh, Cynthia.

How did the field trials go?
Cynthia come in
dead last.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Not half as sorry
as Arnold Ziffel's gonna be.

I want you to sue him
for one million dollars.

But that's impossible.
You can't sue a pig.

Even if the aforesaid pig
caused the heretofore
"champeen" huntin' dog...

to be barred from
field trials forever?

Cynthia's barred?
From every kennel club
in the country.

- Why?
- Why? Speak.

[ Squealing ]

Any more silly questions?

Well, I-- I don't see--

- She done that right in front
of the judges' stand.
- I can see why that might--

I could have been spared
all that humiliatin'...

if Fred had a-just
kept Arnold in the house.

- Maybe I oughta sue Fred
for one million dollars.
- [ Squealing ]

I'm afraid that--
Darling, is Arnold here?

Uh, no.
I thought
I heard him talking.

Uh, no, ma'am.
That was Cynthia.

Cynthia?
Speak.

- [ Squealing ]
- Isn't that cute?

Arnold must have
taught her last night...

when you sent him out
so they could play
Romeo and Julius.

- Uh, Lisa--
- You let Arnold out...

to play Romeo and Julius
with my Cynthia?

Cynthia was howling
all night.

Well, now I guess I know
who to sue, and it ain't
Fred or Arnold.

I'm namin' you
as the "sue-ee."

- Sue-ee?
- [ Squealing ]

Well, you must feel
pretty proud of yourself.

Now you got her
answerin' pig calls.

Come on, Cynthia.

I'll take ya home
and slop ya.
[ Squealing ]

You know,
if I ran into one of
my New York friends...

and told them
this story--

a dog falls in love
with a pig,

my wife becomes
the matchmaker,

the pig
teaches the dog to oink,

the dog blows
the field trials,

and I get sued
for a million dollars--

they'd think
I was on something.

What are you on?

Lisa, I got
troubles enough.

If you hadn't brought
Arnold over here--

Well, I felt sorry
for Arnold.

He reminded me of you
when you were
a young pig.

Well, I don't mean that
you were a young pig.

Well, you know
what I mean.
No, I don't.

Well, Arnold and Cynthia
reminded me of you and me
when we first met.

My father didn't like you,
like Mr. Haney
doesn't like Arnold.

What do you mean
your father didn't like me?

Well, he liked you,
but he didn't like
your credit rating.

There was nothing wrong
with my credit.

Then why didn't he ever
cash a check for you?

Because he never
had any money.
How can you say that?

Remember the dowry
I came with?

The dowry-- 25 kopecks
and a piece of old lace.

What did you do
with the lace?

I gave it to a flamenco dancer
I used to know.

You gave my dowry
to a "flamingo" dancer?

Lisa, what are we
arguing about?

About Arnold and Cynthia and
how Arnold reminds me of you
when you were a young pig.

Will you stop saying that?

But it's true.
Nobody wants them
to go out together...

because they're different--
just like you and I
were different.

You lost me again.

Well, I was a Hungarian,
and you were a--

What is it you were again?

I was an American.

Well, whatever you were,
we didn't talk
the same language.

Just like Arnold
couldn't talk dog-talk...

and Cynthia couldn't
talk pig latin.

So they taught each other
just like we did.

So that's what you've
been talking-- pig latin.

I often wondered what--

You taught me English,
and I taught you Hungarian.

And in a little while,
we communicated pretty good.

Yes, we did.

Would you like to try
a little communication
with me right now?

Why not?

Now, what was the first thing
I taught you to say in English?

"I love you."

What was the first thing I
taught you to say in Hungarian?

[ Speaking Hungarian ]

Well!
That's a nice thing to say!

Right in the middle
of our big love scene,

you ask me
to make you hotcakes.

That's what that means?

Oh. You told me
it meant that--

Ah.
All these years,
I've been--

[ Whimpering ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Barking ]

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.