Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 25 - Oliver's Jaded Past - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Rings ]

Wake up.
Hello there.
Who are you?

I'm your husband.

May I see
the marriage certificate?

I just don't happen
to have it handy.

How do I know
it hasn't expired?
Lisa, will you get up?

Why?
It's 5:00.

Oh, just in time
for the cocktail hour.

It's 5:00 in the morning.

Why do I have to
get up at 5:00?

You're living on a farm.
Everybody gets up at 5:00.



Well, what's going on
at 5:00?

There's a lot of work to do.

Now I'm going to take a shower
and get dressed,

and I'd appreciate it if
you have breakfast ready
by the time I get back.

Would you like
to give me a kiss?

If you have breakfast ready
when I get back,
I'll give you, uh, one.

- Big deal!
- What did you say?

I guess the romance is over.

When we were first married, you
used to kiss me all the time.
I had to push you away.

Maybe that's what killed it.
You were too pushy.

Guess who's going to sleep
in the living room tonight?

Well, how are you doing?

Give me a kiss,
and I'll tell you.

You finish
cooking breakfast,
and I'll give you one.

Could I get a slight advance?

What are you doing?
Imitating a goldfish?

When we were first married--

- Will you make the coffee?
- How many cups do you take?

Two.
One, two.

And I usually take two.
One, two.

And Eb takes two.
One, two.

There.
Hmm.

- How much water
you gonna put in?
- As much as the pot will hold.

I hope it won't be too weak.

Uh, Lisa, how many times
have I told you
how to make coffee?

I don't know.
How many times?

I've told you every day
since we've lived here.

How long has that been?

It'll be two years
this Saturday.

Then you will have to
do your own breakfast,
because I have a lot to do.

I have to look through
my clothes, and get
the suitcases out of the barn--

- Are you going somewhere?
- To New York!

And you better look your things
and see what has to be pressed.

- I'm not going anywhere,
- You forgot what you promised?

- What promise?
- You said when we were here
for two years,

you'd take me back to New York
for a two weeks' vacation.

I don't remember
promising you that!

Well, then I'm glad
that I made you sign
the bottom of the drawer.

What?

[ Crash ]

What does that say?

"I promise to take you to
New York for two weeks...

after we've lived on the farm
for two years."

- Look, I--
- Is this your signature?

- Well, it looks like it.
- Do you want to bring in
a handwriting expert?

No, it's mine, but I don't
remember writing that.

You were "schtoned."

What do you want to go back
to New York for anyway?

By the time I tell you,
the two weeks will be up.

Lisa, I don't want to go back
and face that rat race.
Not even for two weeks!

Miserable city living,
stuck in some hotel.

breathing that poisoned air,
people shoving you.

- I know just how you feel.
- Good.

What time do we leave
on Saturday?

What's the big attraction in
New York? What have they got
there that you like?

I made some notes on the bottom
of the other drawer.

[ Crash ]
Here we are.

Shops, the theater,
nightclubs, restaurants,
concerts, friends.

Is that all?

No, I've got some more
written on the bottom
of the other drawer.

- Never mind.
- Then we'll leave Saturday?

All right, if I promised.
But I won't enjoy
a minute of it.

Uh--
[ Clears Throat ]

Yes, what can I do--

Mr. Cummings!
Well, it certainly is
a pleasure to see you again.

And this must be
the new Mrs. Cummings.

Well!

Should we sit down
and talk this over,
Mr. Cummings?

He made a mistake.
No, this is not
the new Mrs. Cummings.

Oh. She certainly doesn't look
like the old Mrs. Cummings.

Well, she isn't.
This is Mrs. Douglas.

Then you will want
a separate room,
Mrs. Douglas.

No, we would like
to have the same room.
Wouldn't we, Mr. Cummings?

Lisa! Lisa. Look, my name
is Oliver Wendell Douglas.
This is my wife.

Mrs. Cummings.
Pleased to meet you.
Lisa!

Look, you made a mistake.
Now, my name is Douglas.
I've never been here before.

I'm terribly sorry.
Without my glasses you look
just like Mr. Cummings.

It's a remarkable resemblance.
Now, what would you like?

A room.
A suite.

A large room.
A large suite.

Fine. Give her a large suite
and give me a large room.

Oliver, don't be
such a sorehead!

You promised me this vacation,
so you might as well
enjoy yourself.

Do you know
what a suite costs?

I'll bet Mr. Cummings never
would kick about the price.

No, money didn't
mean a thing to him.
He always has the best.

All right.
We'll take a suite.

A large one.

All right, a large one.

Would you mind registering?

Oh, just put down
"Mr. Cummings and friend."

♪♪ [ Humming ]

Hello? Would you please
give me Apartment 18-B?

[ Ringing ]

- Hello?
- Hello there.

- Who's this?
- It's Mrs. Cummings
from the bathroom.

- What?
- They have a telephone
in here.

You don't even have to
climb the pole.

Lisa, I was taking a nap.

Well, it's time to get up.
You have to get dressed
for dinner.

No, I thought we'd
have dinner in the room.

We didn't come to New York
to eat in the room.

Look, can't we go out
tomorrow night?

We'll do that too.
Now get dressed.

- I had your tuxedo pressed.
- My tuxedo?

There is no place worthwhile
going to in New York
unless you wear a tuxedo.

Well, yeah, but--

Darling, I've already
called the El Mirador.
We have a reservation for 9:00.

9:00?
Look, I'm hungry now.

We always eat at 6:00
on the farm.

You're not on the farm now.

Shh. Please!
I'm on the phone.

Who are you talking to?
I'm talk--

Oh, for--

Should we order a limousine
or do you want
to take a taxi?

Couldn't we have dinner
right here in the room?

Oliver, you promised me on
the bottom of the drawer...

that we're going to have
a vacation in New York,
and I want to swing!

All right, I'll swing!

3.85 for a ten-block
taxi ride.

I've forgotten
how expensive everything is.

Oliver, would you please
check my coat?

That's another dollar.
You never used to
be so cheap!

I'm not cheap. It's just
since we've lived on a farm,
I've learned the value of money.

Do you think Fred Ziffel
would pay a dollar
to check Doris's coat?

I'll lend you the dollar.
You don't have to lend me--

Would you check this
for me please?

Ooh! How are you, baby?

Oh, uh,
I don't--

I haven't
seen you in years!
Where you been?

Yes,
where have you been, baby?

You know where I've been.

It's good to see you
back in action, huh?

Say, whatever happened
to that cute little redhead
you used to bring in here?

Yes,
whatever happened to her?

Well, I, uh, look.
Would you please
check the coat?

Hey, I remember this coat.
How'd you get it back
from the redhead?

I never gave--
Oh! I see you got
the ring too, honey!

No! I brought this
with me!

You didn't have to.

He used to pass out diamonds
the way Rockefeller
passed out dimes.

Oh?

You've got me mixed up
with somebody else.
My name is Douglas.

Uh, pl-please, check these.
Oh, anything you say,
Mr. Cummings.

Shall we have dinner,
Mr. Montgomery?
Cummings.

May I help you?
Oh, yes. We have
a reservation. Douglas.

Uh, Douglas.

Douglas, Douglas, Douglas.
I don't see it.

I made the reservation
from the bathtub.

It's right here.
This way, please.

Is this, uh, satisfactory?
Haven't you got something,
uh, along the wall?

Not until Thanksgiving.

This is--
This is fine, Oliver.

Would you care to order
something from the bar?

Well!
Champagne for Mr. Cummings!

W-Wait a minute.
My name is Douglas.

- You certainly look like Mr.--
- Just bring us
a couple of martinis.

Yes, sir.

Oliver, why can't
we have champagne?
It's too expensive.

Boy, I wish
I had met Mr. Cummings
before I met you.

♪♪ [ Starts ]

Would you like to dance?

Well, I'm kind of tired.
Oh, please?

Where did all the people
come from?

They were sitting
along the wall. Maybe we could
get a table there now.

Let's sit down.
[ Whimpers ]

Hey!
Somebody stole my chair!

You just can't take care
of your things, can you?

Waiter!
Yes, sir.
There we go.

W-Wait a minute.
Somebody stole my chair.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Can you describe it?

Well, it was-- it was just
like all the other chairs.
Now, please, get me one.

Yes, sir.
I'll try my best, sir.

Would you care to
order dinner?
I'd like a chair.

What, may I ask, did you do
with the last one you had?

I didn't do anything with it.
I just got up to dance.

With a chair?

With my wife!

Oh, yes.
Are you enjoying yourself,
Mrs. Cummings?

She's not Mrs. Cummings!
I'm Mrs.-- Or--
She's Mrs. Douglas!

Get me a chair,
will you?
Yes, sir.

Would you like to
sit on my lap till the waiter
brings your chair?

No, thanks. Look,
why don't we leave?
I'll get your bill, sir.

Wait! Wait! Wait!
Bring the chair back.

Thank you.
There you are, sir.

Well, what should
we drink to?
Look, I don't care what--

Where is my drink?
Waiter?

Yes, sir?
My drink is gone.

Uh, do you wish to
order another one, sir?
No. Somebody took it.

Well, uh,
can you describe it?

It was a martini!
I didn't even touch it!

I'll do
the best I can, sir.

Well, you certainly know
how to make a scene.

I'm not making a scene!
Somebody took my chair.
Somebody took my drink.

Here is your chair, sir.
I have a chair.

Well, then why did you
ask him to bring you one?

When I asked him
to bring me one,
I didn't have one.

I also had a drink
which somebody took.

Uh--

Another bottle of champagne
for Mr. Cummings.

I'm not Mr. Cummings!
And I don't want champagne!
I want a martini.

- Here's your
planter's punch, sir.
- That isn't mine.

Well, I'm sorry.
That was the only drink
that was turned in, sir.

I don't like--
You'll have my martini,
and I'll have this.

We usually don't get his kind
until New Year's eve.

I heard that.
I didn't come here to be--

Oliver, sit down!
Everybody's looking!

[ Sighs ]
Ooh!

- Waiter!
- Yes, sir?

Somebody stole my chair again!

Well, things
are getting better, sir.
You still have your drink.

[ Phone Rings ]
Oliver, Oliver, the phone.

Huh?
It's ringing.

[ Ringing Continues ]
Oh!

What happened?
Where did that come from?

Oh. The Stork Club.
[ Ringing Continues ]

I don't remember going to--
You bought it from
the cigarette girl, Clarisse.

I guess you felt
you had to buy me something
after the big kiss she gave you.

Kiss?
Just how well
did you know her?

Oh, I--

You think over an alibi
while you answer the telephone.

Hello?
[ Man ] Good morning, Oliver.
How are you?

Not so loud!
Who is it?

I didn't ask him yet.
Aren't you going to?

Yes, if you'll just--

Hello? Hello?

[ Shouts ]
Hello!
Hello! Hello!

Look, please, stay out of
my phone conversation.
Who is this?

Don't you recognize my voice?

It's Judson Felton,
your old law partner.

Oh, how are you, Judd?

Who is she?
It's Judson Felton.

Why didn't you tell me
you were in New York?

I would never have found out...

if Carl hadn't seen you
outside the Green Olive
at 3:00 this morning.

I didn't go
to the Green Olive.

Oh, yes, we did.
Right after The Frug Club.

Carl tells me you had a fight
with the taxi driver.

I had a fight with a--

You were trying to
rip the meter off his cab.

Uh, look,
can I call you back?

- No, no. How about lunch?
- Oh, well, I-I--

I have something
very interesting
to talk to you about.

Meet me at Leonardo's at 1:00.
That's the new in place.

- Well, look, I don't know--
- See you at 1:00.

Lisa, Judd wa--

Lisa?

Oh, for--

Operator, would you please
connect me with the bathroom
of Suite 18-B?

Well, it certainly is nice
to see you two
back in New York again.

It's just for
a couple of days.
Oliver, you said two weeks!

Oliver, have you ever thought
of going back in the firm
with me and living here again?

- Yes, I have.
- He's talking to me.

Frankly, I'm not the least
interested in living--

- Oliver!
- Wanda!

Oh!
Oh, Oliver!

Is the food
any good here?

Well, I'm so happy to
see you back in circulation.

I heard you bought
a farm in Connecticut.

Well, uh, no. Wasn't exactly
in Connecticut. It, uh--

Why don't we go into the bar?
You can tell me all about it.

I'm sure your friends
will excuse us.

Oh, she's not my friend,
she's my wife.

I'm Lisa Douglas.

Oh, how do you do?

Well, I never thought
you'd ever get married.

Why, you were the playboy
of the Western world.
[ Chuckles ]

And now he's
the hermit of "Hootersville."

[ Laughs ]

Look, Oliver, I'm giving
a little cocktail party tonight,
and I'd love for you to come.

All of your old friends
are gonna be there.

Uh, Mary, Barbara,
Mildred, Joan, Betty,
Sheila, Brenda.

Didn't you have
any man friends?

Yes. Certainly,
I had some men friends.
There was, uh--

You know where I live.
The same old place
in the Village.

Well, I d-don't
exactly remember. Uh--

Oh, Oliver, come now.
You practically lived there.

Oh?

Well, no.
What Wanda means is that I used
to spend a lot of time there.

It was near
the N.Y.U. Law Library,
and I was doing research.

- On what?
- Law!

Does that sound logical
to you, Mr. Felton?

Why, of course.

Well, we accept
your explanation.

Fine. I'll see you tonight
then. Bye-bye.

Bye.
Good-bye, Wanda.

[ Sighs ]
Well, uh, what shall we order?

Well, for starters,
I'll have a sharp steak knife.

Lisa!
You're not dressed yet?

Well, I thought
we'd have dinner in the room
and go to bed early.

We're invited to Wanda's.

How would you like
to go by yourself?
I'll bet you would.

Look, we'll just drop in for
a few minutes, and then we'll
go wherever you'd like to go.

Wouldn't you
rather stay at home?

Lisa,
what's the matter with you?

You're the one who
wanted to come to New York.

We're here. Come on!
Let's have a good time.
Enjoy yourself.

♪♪ [ Rock ]

[ Both Laughing ]
Ooh!

Well,
this must be the place.

"E"! There we are!

Oh, you'll like
these people.

[ Laughing ]

There's nobody at home.
Let's go.

Oh, come on!

[ Man ]
Come in!

[ Chattering, Cheering ]
♪♪ [ Gets Louder ]

Oliver! Oh, Oliver!
Look who's here!
Come on in!

[ Loud Chattering ]

Oh! What about me?

[ Man ]
Have one for the road, baby!

[ Shatters ]

Ah, wasn't that
party something, huh?

Yes, it was.

What I could see of it
from the fire escape.
Fire escape?

Well, when I finally
got into the apartment,
I was standing near the window.

And three people came in
through the front door,
and I went out.

What?

It was a lucky thing
there was a fire escape there,

or I would have spent
the whole evening hanging from
the windowsill by my hands.

Come on.
You're exaggerating.
Didn't you enjoy yourself?

Oh, yes.
I had a wonderful time.

Yeah, so did I.
What a great
group of people, huh?

Well, maybe
your conversation was,

but all I said
to the fellow who was sitting
next to me was, "No."

Did you get to talk to Brenda?

Now, there's
an interesting girl.

Brenda, Brenda.
Was that the tall blonde
with the low-cut evening gown?

I never noticed
she was tall.

She was very intelligent.

She's an interpreter at the U.N.
Speaks six languages.

- All with her hands.
- What?

She was patting your face
all evening.

Oh, she wasn't patting it.
There was some potato salad
on it.

I didn't get any potato salad.

They had it.
It was right there
with all the drinks.

Oh, that reminds me.
You owe me two dollars.

For what?

You weren't around
when they took up
a collection for the booze.

Oh. [ Scoffs ]
Anyway, I had a great time.

Oliver, let's go to bed.
It's 5:00!

5:00! We haven't
got time to go to bed!

The Wilsons
are picking us up at 8:00!

What for?

Didn't you hear Charlie
invite us out to his place
on Long Island for the weekend?

Hey, they got a boat.
We can go sailing.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

We can play golf
at the country club.

Boom! Like that.
And horseback ridin'!

♪♪ [ Singing ]
Ha! This is living!

Lisa, Lisa!
Hey, wake up and enjoy this!

Oh, glad you could make it.
Sit down, sit down.
Thank you.

Well, have you been
having a good time
in New York?

Wonderful. Lisa's been
dragging me to parties--

got us invited
out to Long Island
for the weekend.

Have you had time to
think about my proposition?

Well, I--

It's a great opportunity
for you, Oliver.
You'll be a full partner.

Of course,
you'd have to move back here.

I don't think
I'd mind that too much.

You know,
I'd forgotten how exciting
and stimulating New York is.

- What about the rat race?
- Hmm?

Well, remember
the speech you made the day
that you quit the office?

My, uh, dictating machine
happened to be on.

[ Oliver's Voice ]
I'm quitting. I'm getting
away from the rat race!

I want to
get out of the city,

away from the smog
where the air is clear,
a man can breathe.

♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ]

I want to be a part
of that great army of men--
the American farmer!

The backbone of our economy.

I want to plant my seeds
in the soil...

and watch them shoot up
toward the sun and the sky.

I want to grow wheat,
corn and--

- Heard enough?
- Yeah, uh, did I hear
a fife playing there while--

Oh, yes.
I had a friend of mine
orchestrate it.

It seemed to call
for a little musical background.

Then you're interested
in my offer?

- Definitely.
- What about Lisa?

She'll love the idea!
She's crazy about New York.

I wouldn't live here
for anything.

But you're the one
who always wanted
to move back here.

That was before I saw
what New York does to you.

It turns you
from a Doctor "Jerky"
into a Mr. "Hive."

What are you talk--
Oliver, there are two yous--

the New York you
and the Hootersville you.

And I prefer you when
you are Doctor Jerky,
which is the Hootersville you.

Well, that's a switch.

You mean, you'd rather
live in Hooterville?

No, I wouldn't,
but I am going to,

because in Hootersville
you're a different man.

There, all you're interested in
planting your little seeds...

and watch them "shoosting" up
towards the sun and the sky...

with the fifes playing
and the backbone stuff.

But here in New York,
all you want to do
is swing, not shoost.

Oliver, I want to go home.

Do you realize that's
the first time you've
called Hooterville home?

Well, don't tell it to anybody,
but I like it there.

I've waited two years
to hear you say that.

Well, you probably will
have to wait another two years
before I say it again.

Come on. Let's pack.
Right now?

Well, sure!
But the suite is
paid up till 5:00.

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.