Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 24 - Our Son, the Barber - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Eb, I'm much too busy
to waste time arguing
with you about that.

But, Mr. Douglas--
No. No.

But--
The answer is no!

But all I asked was--
You've got me so confused,
I forgot what the question was.

I think it was,
"Will you lend me $25?"

How can I lend you $25
when I'm trying
to borrow it from you?

Eb, I'm not lending
it to you.

How about giving it to me?
That's even better.

Forget it!

Will you excuse me?

But the tuition
is only $25.



You want me to go to college,
don't you?
Be my guest.

You mean you're
gonna send me?
No.

Mr. Douglas, wouldn't you like
to be able to say
you got a son in college?

You are not my son!
Well, whoever I am,

wouldn't you like
to be able to say it?

Look, Eb,
you're not gonna be able
to go to college.

Why not?
Because you didn't
graduate from high school.

But that doesn't matter
at UCLA.

Are you talking of
the University of California
at Los Angeles?

No, sir, the University
of Crump at Lake Agnes.
I never heard of--

See, in their bulletin
they say,
"approved for veterans,

high school dropouts
and major company
credit card holders."

What kind of a univers--
Crump "U" is
a correspondence school.

Imagine, I could learn to be
an engineer or an architect...

or somethin', and I wouldn't
even have to leave home.

That's enough
to make me against it.

Mr. Douglas,
if you'd just lend me--
I don't want to talk about it!

Well, that's pretty
narrow-minded.
What?

You don't want to talk about it
even without hearing my side.
Your side of what?

What difference does it make
if you don't want
to talk about it?

I'd be happy to talk
about it if I knew
what we were talking about.

We're talking about $25
for college.

I'm not giving it to you.

If you're not going to
give him $25 for college,

you certainly won't give me
$300 for this dress.

- Three hundred dollars!
- Do you realize you could send
12 boys to Crump "U" for that?

The dress goes back.
All right.

If you want me
to wear something everybody
has seen to your haircut--

Well, I d-- My haircut?

Yes, today is haircuts day
in "Hootersville."

[ Snaps Fingers ]
Oh, yeah, today's the day
Mr. Hinkle...

comes from the county seat
to trim Hooterville.

Could you at least lend me
enough to get a haircut?

That I'll lend you.
How much do you need?

- Twenty-five dollars.
- Will you--

Can I have the dress?
Lisa, will you take that--

- I gotta get my haircut.
- And so do you.

If we don't get it cut today,
we'll have to wait six weeks...

until Mr. Hinkle
comes back again.

Anything else, Windy?
Oh, yeah, Newt.

Would you mind gettin'
my magazines out of the car?

Oh.

Where do you want
your tonics, Windy?
Set 'em right here on the table.

Doggone,
that sure smells pretty.
What is that?

That's ant spray.
I bought it for my wife.

- Why? Does she have ants?
- No, she--

Uh, where do you
want the magazines?

- Oh, just put them
on the bench there.
- Hi, Windy.

Howdy doody.
Hi, Alf. Hi, Ralph.
Have a seat.

Hey, you got
some new magazines, huh?

Yeah, I never saw this copy
of the Literary Digest before.

- Well, next.
- Where do you think
you're goin'?

I'm next.
Uh-uh.
I was here ahead of you.

We came in together.
We did not.

I'll flip you for it.
Okay.

Wanna make it
two out of three?

I'm gonna tell Mom
about your unladylike behavior.

Aren't you gonna
take off your hat?

Just work on everything
that's showing.

Watch it.

Oh, hello.
Good morning.
Hi, everybody.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.
Have a seat, Mr. Douglas.

- Thank you.
- [ Mutters ]

Mr. Douglas, can I ask
your opinion about something?

- How do you think
I'd look in a butch?
- Oh, you'd look lovely.

Thank you, sweetie.
Butch me.

Would you care
for a magazine?

Uh, yes, uh--
Oh, thank you.

Literary Digest?

Yeah, it's
the latest issue.
Oh, boy.

Hey!

Uh, are you going
to be much longer?

No. Alf's finished.

There you are.
How much I owe ya?

Let's see.
You had a haircut,
singe and tonic.

That'll be 35 cents.
Thirty-five cents?

You raised
your prices again.
Next.

At last.

[ Clears Throat ]
Uh, what do you
think you're doing?

Just keeping the seat
warm for you, sir.

Mm-hmm. Out.

[ Snorting ]

Oh, Arnold.

I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas.
Arnold is next.

- [ Snorting Continues ]
- What?

Well, he called
for an appointment.

How could he call--
Well, he won't take
too long.

You see, all he gets
is a bay rum spray.
It keeps him dainty.

He can wait a few minutes
to be dainty. I'm next.

- [ Grunting Continues ]
- Sit down. Read a magazine.

Now, Mr. Douglas,
what'll you have?
Well, I'd like--

He needs a haircut.
Not too short.

And don't use the clippers
on the side.

And put a little wave
up there.

And if you have time,
touch up some of the gray.

Lisa, I can tell
the barber what I want.

If you're not
going to be a good boy,

the barber isn't going
to give you
a piece of bubble gum.

I want a little
off the top.
Yes, sir.

Excuse me, Windy.

Dink Fellsworth just called
from Crabwell Corners.
It's an emergency.

He's gonna get married in
an hour, and he'd like you
to give him a haircut.

Dink Fellsworth?
Boy, I've waited
a long time for this.

Wait a minute.
I'm sorry,
Mr. Douglas.

I owe Dink a big favor.
I'll see you in six weeks.

But you just
started my haircut!

I'll tell you what.
You hold on to this so's
I'll remember where I was.

Excuse me.
Of all the--

You know, at the next
chamber of commerce meeting,

I'm gonna suggest that
we try to get somebody to open
a barbershop in Hooterville.

Well, where are we going
to get a barber?

Sign here.

What's this?
My application.

I'm gonna study
to become a barber.

- UCLA has a barber college?.
- No, no. M.I.T.

- M.I.T.?
- Yes, Middle Indiana
Tonsorial College.

Oh, for a moment I thought
you were talking about
the MIT in Massachusetts.

Uh, you mean Massachusetts
Institute of Terpsichore?

Yeah, that's the one.

I'm not interested
in Terpsichore for two reasons.

One, I don't think there's
much of a future in it.

And two, I don't know
what Terpsichore is.

That's good thinking.

Yes, it is,
for somebody of his mentality.

It says right here in
the literature they sent me,

uh, that M.I.T. has
the best correspondence course
on barbering in the country.

They say in 12 easy lessons
I can get a diploma...

and become a proud
professional man
like Gordon Bainbridge.

- Who's Gordon Bainbridge?
- He's the proud
professional man.

- You never listen, do you?
- I try not to when Eb--

"Gordon Bainbridge
is a recent graduate of Middle
Indiana Tonsorial College."

- Would you like
to hear what he says?
- No.

Here's what
Gordon Bainbridge says--

- He's the proud
professional man.
- Yeah, well--

"Until I took this
barber course, I was lonely,
confused, unpopular.

Friends avoided me,
girls never noticed me
and dogs barked at me."

Oh, brother.
Eb, be sensible.

- How can anyone learn
to be a barber by mail?
- Gordon Bainbridge did.

- He's the proud
professional man.
- Yeah, I know.

Mr. Douglas,
this is my big chance.

You said yourself this town
should have its own barber.

- Yes, I did, but I--
- You can't hold
me down forever.

I'll do it on my own.
I'm independent.

I don't have to
count on anybody.
I don't need you.

- Good.
- All I need is your $25.

Oliver, why don't you
give him the $25?

I think I will
just to teach him a lesson.

Show him how silly
this whole idea is.

Thank you! Thank you!
I'll make you out a check.

Oh. I guess they'll
take your check.

But maybe you ought to send
your driver's license along...

in case they require
any identification.

Is there anything for me?
Yep.

Here's one from Middle Indiana
Tonsorial College,
Office of the Dean.

Oh, boy, I've been accepted!

Sorry.

Education!

Mr. Douglas! Mr. Douglas!
Doggone it!

- Mr. Douglas!
- I don't see the butter.

It's on the middle shelf
way in the back.

- Mom! Mom, where's Dad?
- [ Groaning ]

He's over there
with his head in the icebox.

Come out of there.
I got some news for ya.

Well, I've got
some news for you!

Guess what?
I've been accepted by M.I.T.

It's from
the office of the dean.
He got your check and, uh--

Oh, by the way, he sent
your driver's license back.

He said you won't have to
have it with the next check.

What next check?
For my barber tools.

I need them for my first lesson.
I've already
given you $25.

But that was for
the registration fee.

It costs a lot of money to send
a boy to college these days.

I've given him as much
as I'm going to.

Gosh, I didn't think you'd
make such a fuss over
buyin' me the tools I need.

Oh, you didn't, eh?

No. I thought
you'd make a fuss over $25
for the white jacket and shoes.

What?
With red trim.
They're the school colors.

Those are the same colors
we had for Budapest High.

Well, why doesn't he
go there?

Maybe he can wear
your old gym bloomers.

The $25 for the jacket
and shoes...

also includes
a season pass to all
the school football games.

Football?
How can a correspondence
school play football?

By mail. You see,
each player mails in
what he's supposed to do--

Oh, forget it!

Oliver, why don't you
buy him the tool kit,

and I'll buy him the jacket
and the football game tickets?

Gee, thanks.
You're the best
mom and dad I ever had.

Eb--
I'll get your checkbook.

Lisa, why did
you tell him that?

If our son is going to college,
he's got to go first class.

Here you are, Eb.

Boy, my first lesson,
my tool kit and my uniform!

Thank ya!

Sorry.

Why don't you go away to college
like the other kids do?

It's a little tight.
I wish I were.

I think
he looks stunning.

Oh, yeah, stunning.

Here are the tools.

I guess you're all ready
for your first haircut.
No, ma'am.

The first lesson says,
"Before attempting to cut hair,

the freshman barber
should acquaint himself
with the tools."

That's a good idea.

"The tool which a barber
uses the most is a scissors.

This is the long,
pointed instrument
with two holes for the fingers."

Could they mean this?
What do you think, Oliver?

How do I know?
I never went
to barber college.

"The comb is a long,
black object with teeth."

Would you say
this is the comb?

That's a razor.

Well, it's only
my first day in school.

"After acquainting himself
with the tools,
the freshman barber should"--

Eb, look, I'm trying to read.
Would you mind going up to your
room and studying by yourself?

Yes, sir. Oh.
Can I have next Friday off?

- What for?
- To go to the post office
for our first football game.

M.I.T. is playing
Crump "U."

Go to your room.

Yes, sir.

Oliver, if you're not going
to encourage the boy,

why did you insist
he go to college?

Lisa, you go
to your room too.

You just don't have any patience
with us kids, do you?

[ Door Slams ]

Oh, yeah,
something else came for you.

Boy, I hope it's what
I'm lookin' for.

It's my barber sheet!
Thanks! Thanks a lot!

I glued them together.
Good.

- Doggone it!
- Doggone it!

I gotta practice puttin'
my barber sheet on someone.
Not on me.

Oliver, do you like sleeping
in the living room?
No, I--

Well, then, let him practice
with the sheet.

All right.
Thank you.

Uh, next.

Oh, you're next, sir.
Uh, this chair.

Watch it.

Eb!

Oh, I'm sorry.
I never sheeted anybody before.

- [ Coughing ]
- Excuse it, sir.

Ooh!

Oh, I'm sorry.
But don't worry.

They gave me some stuff here
that'll stop bleeding.

Oh, hi, Mr. Haney.
Mr. Douglas.

Look, I'm busy.
I just wanna tell you
that it's here.

What's here?
I knew you was
gonna ask me that.

Now, if you'll just step around
to the back of my truck.

Will you let go--
What is that?

That's the barber pole
that Eb ordered.
Eb ordered?

He said he knew you wanted to
give him a graduatin' present,
and that's what he picked out.

- I didn't say I was--
- You notice the stripes?

They're the M.I.T.
school colors.

Look, Mr. Haney,
I don't want the barber pole.

- How about a sterilizer
for steamin' up the towels?
- No.

How about a blonde manicurist
for steamin' up the customers?

Look, Haney,
I paid for Eb's tuition,

and that's all
I'm gonna do for him.

Then you wouldn't be interested
in this vibratin' barber chair.

What the--
It's the latest wrinkle
in barberin' equipment.

It vibrates away
the customer's cares...

while he's gettin'
his haircut.

I'll bet you ain't seen
anything shimmy like that
since Gilda Gray.

No, I haven't.

It'll pay for itself
in three months...

with the loose change
it vibrates out of
the customers' pockets.

Good-bye, Mr. Haney.

Sorry, Gilda.
No sale.

Eb? E--
Eb is busy.

Doing what?
Putting Leroy's head on.

What?

What is that?
That's Leroy,
Eb's first customer.

Yeah. The college
sent it to me.

I'm supposed to practice
on dummies until I'm ready
for the real thing.

Of all--
That's my suit!

They sent Leroy
without any clothes.

I don't wanna
get him arrested
for indecent exposure.

- Look, Eb, this is--
- I can't find his hair.

- Hair?
- Yeah. There's supposed to be
a toupee with him.

Then I cut it according
to their instructions...

and mail it back to 'em,
and they grade it.

I'll see you folks later.

Oliver, help Eb
find Leroy's hair.

I got other
things to do bes--
Pardon me.

I'm looking for...
"Eb Dawson."

Are you Eb Dawson?
I'm Eb Dawson.

Oh? Then who's he?
That's Leroy.

Oh. How do you do?
Now, you claim
you're Eb Dawson.

Mr. Kimball,
you know he is.

Mr. Douglas,
this is official Department
of Agriculture business...

and has to be done
according to the book.

Well, it's not
really a book.
It's more of a pamphlet.

Well, it's not a pamphlet.
It's just less of a book.

Well, I guess
I'll be running along.
Nice meeting ya.

I thought you said
you were here on
official business.

I am.
You said you
wanted to see Eb.

- About what?
- I'm sure I don't know.

Well, when you find out,
give me a call.

Now, about this package.
Is Eb Dawson here?

That's him.

Well, Eb Dawson,
here's a package for you.
It came in the mail.

Thank you.
It's Leroy's hair!
Who opened the box?

I did.
For agricultural inspection.

It's against the law
to send uninspected toupees
into the state.

You see, we had
a pretty severe toupee epidemic
here a couple years ago.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

You wouldn't say that
if you'd ever been
infested with wig weevils.

Well, I guess you can use it.
We dipped it and sprayed it.
Oh, boy!

There. Now I'm ready
for my homework.

It's a beautiful day,
isn't it, sir?

What do you think
of the Dodgers, sir?
I think they could use--

He's talking
to the other dummy.

Oh, I thought he was--
I don't think I
liked that last remark.

I'm sure I didn't.
You don't have any right to--

You fellas,
if you want to argue,
would you mind doing it outside?

Eb has to concentrate
on his homework.

Shoo!

[ Knocking ]

- Who's there?
- [ Eb ] Me. Can I come in?

Yes. Come in.

Hey, I just got my grades
on my first toupee.
They came special delivery.

I made an "A" on sideburns
and a C-plus on pompadours.

Oh, that's wonderful!
Isn't that exciting, Oliver?

Yes. Yes, I'm all
broken out with goose pimples...
or something.

- Eb, what's in the box?
- That's my next assignment--
shaving.

You see, I put this on Leroy,
and then I shave him...

and send it back 'em,
and they grade me.

I'd better go sharpen my razor.

I just don't believe it.
I-- I don't believe it.

Yes, it's difficult
to believe--

our son, the barber.

Oh, please!

[ Snaps Fingers ]

Look, Oliver.
Eb got a B-plus
in shaving!

I would have gotten an "A",
except for the two nicks
I made in the neck.

How long is this thing
going on?

I just have one more test.
It's called "the works"--

mud pack, shampoo, hair dye
and mustache trimming.

Good luck, Eb.

Yippee!

Eb, you clumsy--
Mm!

I passed! I passed!
I'm gonna graduate.

Congratulations!

Oliver, isn't there anything
you want to say to Eb?

Not in front of you.

Hey,
the graduation exercises
are next Tuesday.

You're gonna come,
aren't ya?

I'm not going
all the way to Indiana
to see you--

We'll be there.

[ Man On Speaker ]
And I particularly want
to congratulate Eb Dawson,

who has graduated
with the highest honors.

And to you, Eb,
we award the degree
of Bachelor of Barbering.

And as you go out
into the world,
we hope you never do anything...

to bring disgrace
or dishonor to your scissors.

Now it's my pleasure
to ask your parents to
present you with your diploma.

We're not his parents.
Oliver,
give him his diploma.

There you are.
Congratulations.

Thank you. Boy, wait till
I hang this up on the, uh--

- Hey, it's blank!
- It's blank? I--

If you would prefer
a printed diploma,

please send $25 in cash
or a money order.

If you send a personal check,
please enclose
your driver's license.

- I'll get your checkbook.
- And I'll get
your driver's license.

Don't bother.

I don't think
I'll have it very long.

This afternoon I intend
to go out and get arrested
for drunken driving.

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.