Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 23 - The Spring Festival - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Chirping ]

[ Chirping Continues ]

Oliver.
Huh?

Are you doing bird calls
in your sleep?

- What?
- [ Bird Chirping ]

Oh, I'm sorry.
That's coming to us live,
from the tree.

- Do you mind if
I go back to sleep?
- Go ahead.

- Thanks.
- But you're going to miss
the first day of spring.

Fine. I'll see you
when summer gets here.

- [ Chirping Continues ]
- Mm, it's spring!

[ Clattering ]



- What happened to you?
- I fell off the windowsill.

- What were you doing?
- [ Chirping ]

Come over here. I want
to show you something.

Oh, for the love of--

What is it?

Look over there.
The birds.

What about 'em?
They're in love.

How do you know that?
He just brought her a worm.

That doesn't mean
he's in love. It just proves
he does the shopping.

Anyway, it's spring.
[ Inhales ]

Take a deep breath!

Will you stop falling
off the windowsill?

[ Groans ]
Are you all right?

Mm-hmm.

Do you want
to give me a kiss?
Sure.

That wasn't much
of a spring kiss.

What is this thing
with you and spring?

Doesn't it
mean anything to you?
Yes.

It means I've got to order
my seeds from Mr. Drucker,
and get them planted.

To think that you
used to be the Don Juan
of the bar association.

I remember one spring
when you walked out
on the Supreme Court...

to come out
and give me a kiss.
I didn't come out to kiss you.

I came out looking for my
briefcase. You just happened
to be standing there.

Now, do you want
to make breakfast?

You were so "romantical"
in those days.

I wasn't more romantical.
I just happened to misplace
my briefcase more often.

Now, will you
make breakfast?
When you were courting me,

you used to write me
love poems.
I did?

This is the first poem
you ever wrote to me.

I pressed it in a menu
from the 21 Club.
That's a restaurant check.

Well, you wrote
the poem on the back.

Twenty-two dollars?
What did we have?

Well, it says so right here.
I had champagne and caviar,

and you had a bloater
and a bottle of beer.

Uh, could we--
No, you've got
to hear first the poem.

"How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.

"I love thee to the depth
and breadth and height...

"My soul can reach,
when feeling out of sight...

"For the ends of being
and ideal grace.

"I love thee to
the level of everyday's...

Most quiet need,
by sun and candlelight."

Oh! And you made that up
right out of your own head...

while the waiter was
standing there waiting
for you to pay the check.

Well, with a $22 tab
staring me in the face,

I had to think
of something to stall.

You wrote beautiful poetry
in those days.

Well, I guess I did.
I had a flair for it,
you know?

Would you like to
write me a poem now?

Well, let's see, uh--

"Under the spreading
chestnut tree,
the village smithy stands;

The smith, a mighty man is he,
with large and sinewy hands."

Oh! You've done it again.
Yep.

Look, why don't we go
in the kitchen and see if
we can dig up a bloater?

There you are, young lover,
whoever you are.
Thank you.

Aren't you going to give me
a kiss for the hotcakes?

[ Sound Of Metal Bending ]

You ought to be thankful
I don't have you
arrested for them.

Nothing you can say today
can make me love you the less.

Thank you.
Now, what should we do today?

The first thing
we should do is have
the knives sharpened.

I think I'll give you
a kiss you for that.

Lisa, will you
stop this nonsense?

Good mornin'.
[ Sighs Deeply ]

- What's the matter with you?
- It's spring.

Way up there?

Ain't it spring
down there too?

Sit down.
Eat your breakfast.

What have we got,
beer and bloaters?

- Hotcakes.
- It don't sound very festive.

- Just eat 'em and suffer.
- I'm sufferin' enough.
I'm in love.

That's what happens
this time of the year.

- Oh, boy.
- Have you ever been in love?

Yes, he was. Once.

What do you mean, once?
Well, you haven't
written me a poem lately.

You mean this fatherly,
silver-haired gentleman
used to write poetry?

- Eb, I'm going to give--
- Hey, maybe you can help me.

I was plannin' on recitin'
a poem to Claudelia tonight.

- Claudelia?
- My English girlfriend.

She was
"Miss Tea and Crumpets of 1966."

- Look--
- What poem were you
going to recite?

This one.

"How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways"--

Oh, that's very nice,
Eb, now--
Wait a minute!

Where did you get that poem?
Well, he-- he probably
heard me recite it.

No, sir, it was
printed in a book.

Oliver, you're famous!
They printed your poem
in a book.

- Well, I guess uh--
- Gee, to think I'm having
breakfast...

with Elizabeth
Barrett Browning.

- Who is that?
- She's the lady the book
said wrote the poem.

Oh? I thought you said
you made it up on the back
of the restaurant check.

Well, I-I--
What about that other one:

"Under the spreading
chestnut tree,
the village smithy stands."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

You certainly wrote under
a lot of different names.

All right, I didn't write
them. I just wanted you
to think I was romantic.

Well, you could have done that
with a few diamonds.

Will you excuse me?

I'd love to stay and listen
to y'all fight, but I gotta go
pick some flowers for Claudelia.

You can pick them for her
after you've finished work.

You expect me to work today?
This is a day for lovers,
for romance.

It's a good day for looking
for another job too.

As soon as I buy the seed,
we're going to--
Eb, you can have the day off.

Thank you.
Hey, wait!
Come back here!

Lisa, why did you tell him
he could have the day off?

- It's not a legal holiday.
- It is in Hungary.

On the first day of spring,
nobody works.

They have a big festival,
and everybody sings and dances
in the middle of the street.

And everybody brings a girl
and a cheese.

Suppose you don't happen
to like cheese?

Well, then you can give
the cheese to somebody else
and keep the girl.

Or, if you want to, you can
keep the cheese and give
the girl to somebody else.

But anyway, it doesn't matter,
because it's spring!

Good morning, Mr. Drucker.
Good morning,
Mr. Drucker.

- Mr. Drucker?
- Oh, good morning.

- Are you all right?
- Well, I-I'm not sure.

I woke up this morning
with this strange feeling.

Well, what you got is
the first day of spring.

- Is that today?
- Yes, now I'd like
to order some--

Just a minute.

Uh, Look, Mr. Drucker,
I'd like to order my seeds
because I want to start--

What happened to you?
Can't you tell?

He grew a new head.

I always put this on
the first day of spring.

It makes you
look very young.

Oliver, why don't you
wear one of those?

No, thank you.
I have my own hair.

I forgot it was spring
because it don't mean
much around here anymore.

In the old days, people'd
come from miles around...

and stand outside the store
and wait for me to come out
with my hair on.

That would be the signal
to start the spring festival.

Oh? Did you have
one of those too?

Oh, yeah.
Oh, it sure was fun.

We'd have a parade, and
there'd be floats and singing
and dancing in the park--

♪ Tra, la, la, la ♪
And the fellows would bring
a jug of cider and a girl.

Oh, in Hungary
we did the same thing,
only with cheese.

We never tried it
with cheese.

Mr. Drucker, can I order--
Why don't you have
the festival anymore?

Oh, people got older,
and spring just didn't
mean anything to them.

Oh, that's sad,
because spring comes
around only once a year,

no matter
what age you are.

Like they say in Hungary,
the older the cheese,
the better you are.

Do they say
anything in Hungary
that makes sense?

Well, that makes sense.
"The older the cheese, the"--
No, it doesn't.

Well, it doesn't make
any sense that you don't
have the festival anymore.

- And I think
we ought to have one.
- Well, it'd be nice,

but nobody seems interested
in organizing one.

I'll be glad
to organize it.

I'll get
all the women and--
Lisa, Lisa--

You love me, don't you?
Of course I do, darling.

You'd do anything for me?
Of course I would.

Would you do me
a little, teeny favor?
What is it, sweetheart?

Would you keep your big, fat
Hungarian nose out of this?

Mr. Douglas, would you mind
explaining to me...

how this automatic seeder
works again?

I've explained it to you
twice already.

It's a little hard
for me to understand.

I've never been
an automatic seeder before.

Eb, I waited almost
a week for this seed.
Now let's get it planted.

But I don't want
to make any mistakes.

All right.
I'll explain it
to you once more.

Now, that's a bag
of seed, right?

Just a minute.
Yep, they're seeds.

The idea is to plant
them one foot apart.

Now, I figure the tractor
moves along at approximately
eight miles an hour,

so if you drop one seed
every two seconds,
they should be a foot apart.

You understand?
Yes, sir.

- Nothing else is bothering you?
- Yes, sir. I'm sittin'
on a splinter.

Good, it'll keep you awake.
Now are there
any more questions?

How do I know
when it's two seconds?

- Haven't you got a watch?
- No, I can't afford one
on my salary.

Here, use mine.
Thank you.

Good-lookin' watch. Hey!
It's got engravin' on it.

"To Oliver Wendell Douglas,
from his friends and
associates...

"at the law firm of Felton,
O'Connell, Clay, Blakely,
Harmon, Dillon and Pastor...

"in appreciation for 10 years
of faithful service...

to our law firm,
and with the hope--
Continued on watchband."

Will you just
drop the seeds?
Yes, sir.

[ Huffing ]

One, two, drop.

One, two, drop.

One, two, drop.
One, two, drop.

One, two, drop.

One, two, drop.

One, two, drop.

One, two, drop.

One--
I haven't started yet.

Well, I have.
One, two, drop.

One, two--
Eb, will you please
cooperate with me?

I'd like to--
[ Horn Beeping ]

[ Beeping ]

- Now what?
- Howdy, Mr. Douglas.

Eb.
Hi, Mr. Haney.

One, two, drop.
Well, doin' your
spring planting, huh?

- I'm trying to.
- Well, I won't keep you.
That'll be $17.

- Seventeen dollars?
- One, two, drop.

Will you stop that?
What was that about $17?

[ Buzzing, Chiming ]

Eighteen. The meter on
my taxi's still runnin'.
[ Eb Continues Seeding ]

[ Chiming ]

You just hit 19
on the Haney taxi meter.

- Nineteen?
- One, two, drop.

Will you stop that!
I can't stop it
until you pay me.

I'm talking to Eb.
What's all this about
my owing you $19?

Well, that's
for taxiing Mrs. Douglas
all over the valley.

If she hired you,
let her pay you.

Oh, she ain't got no money.

She spent her last $12 for
the permit for the parade
for the spring festival.

The Spring--
She's doin' a great
job of organizin' it.

It ain't every woman that
would hire a taxi for $19.

[ Buzzing, Chiming ]

Twenty. Tempus is sure
runnin' up a big fugit.

I told her to forget
about that spring festival.
I'll see you later.

Where do you think you're going?
As long as we're havin' a spring
festival, I got a lot to do.

You're not leaving until
we plant all the seed.

- Oh, I finished that bag.
- Now, how could you--

Eb, what did--
Bye.

Come back here!
Shh! I don't want you
to miss the $21 chime.

[ Buzzing, Chiming
Like Big Ben ]

Wasn't that beautiful?
Turn that stupid thing off.

When you pay me the $21.
I'll give you five.

Well, I'll take it.

For a fellow whose wife is
organizin' the spring festival,
you sure don't show much class.

Hey, where is my wife?

I'd like to have
a little talk with her.

Well, the last place
I dropped her off
was the Millers.

And she said when she got
done there, that she'd
walk over to the Ziffels.

Doris, ain't you never
gonna fix me no lunch?

Not now. I'm busy
chaperonin' these two.

[ Oinking ]

Doggone it, Doris,
you sure got a knack
for bein' a killjoy.

[ Snorting ]

They're young.
They oughta have some fun.
Why don't you dance, Arnold?

Go over and
turn on the Victrola.

- [ Snorting ]
- [ Squealing ]

- ♪♪ [ Frug ]
- You call that dancin'?

[ Knocking ]

Miz Douglas!
Come in, come in.
Oh, hello, Mr. Ziffel.

Hello, Mrs. Ziffel.
Oh!

I'm sorry. I didn't
know you had company.

Oh, that's Arnold's
current girlfriend, Sue Ann.

Every spring
he finds a new one.

Oh, well, that's what
I came to talk to you about.

- ♪♪ [ Continues ]
- Arnold, turn that off.

- You'd better take
Sue Ann home now.
- ♪♪ [ Off ]

- Would you like some coffee?
- No, I'd like my lunch.

I was talkin'
to Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, no, thank you.
I can only stay
a few moments.

I just came over
to talk to you about
the spring festival.

Spring festival?
Oh, yes.

I used to go
every year with my jug.

Yeah, and he used
to take me too.

Yeah, but I had
more fun with my jug.

Fred, how would you like--

Oh, Mrs. Ziffel.
I didn't come over here
to start an argument.

Oh, well, you didn't
start it. This has been
goin' on for 30 years.

Well, if that's true,
then you need the festival...

to stop the arguing
and start the romance again.

[ Sighs ] Gee, you know?
That would be kind of nice.

Remember how it was
when we first met, Fred?

- Fred?
- Doris?

- Where's the bread?
- In the bread box, stupid!

Oh, is that
where you keep it?

I don't think
a spring festival
will help him.

Well, it wouldn't
hurt to try.

I already spoke
to Mrs. Miller,
and Mrs. Simpson...

and some of the other women,
and they're all going
to take part in it.

Gee, I'd like
to be in it too.
Good!

Well, why don't you come
over a little bit later
and see what you can do.

Bye.
Bye!

Doris, where do
you keep the bread knife?

Look in your back.

[ Chugging ]

Two, drop,
One, two, drop.

[ Continues ]

[ Engine Stops ]
One, two, drop.

One, two, drop.
What do you think
you're doing?

I'm plantin' seeds.
In the barnyard?

Well, I had some
left over and--
We'll need them tomorrow.

Where's my watch?

Oh, I must have dropped
that instead of a seed.

You--
Oh, yeah.
There it is.

Put the rest of the seed
in the barn.

- [ Horn Beeping ]
- [ Watch Cracking ]

For crying out loud.

Oh. Look what you've done!

Well, that's one way
of killing time.
[ Laughs ]

- Oh, for--
- I got your message.

- What message?
- Oh, the one about--

No, that wasn't from you,
that was from, uh--

No, he doesn't
have a telephone.

Well, now that I'm here,
what can I do for you?

- You've done enough.
- Hey, how did that happen?

You ran over it!

Oh, I did? Well, you
better get in touch with
my insurance company.

You see, I'm insured
for running over, um--

No, that's
for people, not watches.

Of course, if you'd
been wearing the watch
when I ran over it--

Where were you this morning
when I was planting?

I had some questions
to ask you.

Oh, I was over at, uh--
No, I couldn't have been
over there. That was yesterday.

No, it couldn't have
been yesterday because
yesterday was Friday.

Today is Friday.

It is? Then I know
what I was doing.
[ Snaps Fingers ]

I was gettin' some stuff
for your wife.

What is that?
Huh? This is some stuff
for the festival.

Oh, that stupid festival!

No, this is a spring festival.
Stupid festival's next month.

Yes, And you're
gonna be king.
Hmm?

I am? Gosh, that makes
three years in a row.

Oh! Hello there.
Oh. Here you are,
Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, thank you.
Yeah. Don't mention it.
I guess you already have.

[ Chuckles ]
Well, I'll see you
at the festival.

You take care of these.

What are they?
Red paint and feathers.
That's your festival costume.

You're going to be
the first robin of spring.

What?

We're going to paste
the feathers on you,
and then paint your breast red.

No, you're not!
[ Paint Cans Clang ]

Then we're going to have
to get Eb to play the robin.

Eb's got work to do.

We've got to put forty acres
in seeds before it rains.

Well! You just said
the dirty word.

- Huh?
- Rain!

What are you trying to do--
put a hex on the festival?

We need rain more than
we need that silly festival.

Nobody's working. Everybody's
spending all their time--
[ Knocking ]

What's that?
Ralph and Alf are
working in the bedroom.

Well, at least
somebody's doing
something constructive.

No, they're not.

Excuse me.
Oh, hi, Mr. Douglas.

Howdy doody!
Happy spring festival!

Will you stop that?

Would you mind telling me
what you're tryin' to do?

We're building a float
for the parade.
Yeah, it's gonna be your nest.

- My nest?
- Well, you're playing
the robin, aren't you?

- No, I am not.
- Even though it's
a different union,

I'd be glad to paint
your breast red.

Nobody is going to
paint my breast.

Here.
Here's your egg.

It goes in the nest,
and you sit on it.

Want to try it
on for size?

No, I don't!
And what are you building
this thing in here for?

We thought it'd be
warmer in here for you
to rehearse in your costume.

We wouldn't want
the robin to have
a chapped breast.

Don't worry about that,
because I'm not
gonna be a robin.

Boy, you're a real
festival pooper.
That's what I am.

- Now get this outta here.
- Gee!

How do you suggest we do that?
It won't fit through the door.

Well, why didn't you think
of that before you built it?

- Yeah, why didn't we?
- Of all the stupid--

What are you
yelling about now?

These two idiots
built this thing, now
they can't get it out.

Don't get your
feathers ruffled, Rob,
we'll take it apart.

I'll get the crowbar.

Oliver, what have you
got against spring?

I haven't got
anything against it.

Then why are you trying
to foul up our festival?

I'm not trying to--
What happened to you?

It's raining!

Well, you've done it!
You made it rain.

How could I
make it rain?

You mentioned
the unmentionable word.

All I said was that
we need rain more than
we need this silly festival.

- [ Thunderclap ]
- I guess that's
the end of the festival.

And that's the end of us.

Lisa! This is ridiculous.
I didn't--

Oh, go sit on your egg.

Oliver, I changed my mind.

If you want to,
you can sleep in the bed.

No, thanks.
I'm comfortable here.

Would it be all right
if I got in there with you?

Oh, I'm sorry.
This is a single nest.

Well, if you took
the egg out--

I'd have to clear that
with the Audubon Society.

[ Thunderclap ]
Well--

♪♪ [ Whistling ]
What did you say?

I said--
♪♪ [ Whistling
Like A Bird ]

And what is that
supposed to mean?

That's robin talk.

A loose translation
would mean,

"Let's toss the egg out,
and the heck with
the Audubon Society."

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.