Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 22 - My Mother, the Countess - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Mr. Douglas?
Mr. Douglas!

What's the matter?
I picked up this letter
at Drucker's.

- Oh, thank you.
- It's for Mrs. Douglas.

- Well, I'll give it to her.
- Promise you won't
steam it open?

I promise.

Thank you.
Oh, Monaco.

- Who's she?
- No, that's a place.

- That's where Monte Carlo is.
- What's Monty doing there?

Eb, haven't you ever heard
of Monte Carlo,
the famous gambling casino?

Oh, yeah, where they play
roulette, "shimmy de fur"
and "batrack."

Shimmy de fur and batrack?



- Yeah. You ever play them?
- No, I've played chemin de fer
and baccarat.

Oh.
Lisa--

Can I have
the stamp, Dad?

Will you stop
calling me Dad?

Oliver, did you want me?
Can I have
the stamp, Mom?

And stop calling her Mom.

What stamp?
Here.

Oh, a letter
from my mother.

Oh, boy, a letter
from Grandma.

She's not your grandmother.
Sorry, Dad.

And stop call--
Don't you want to
hear the letter?

Yes, yes.
What does she
have to say?

[ Speaking Hungarian ]

Would you mind reading it
in some language
I can understand?

- Which one is that?
- Try English.

Well, the least you can do
is to learn to speak
the language...

if you're listening
into somebody else's letter.

- Would you read the letter?
- "Darling, I'm here
in Monte Carlo.

Last night, I won
180 million francs playing
shimmy de fur and batrack."

See?

She means chimer de fur
and baccarat.

Grandma oughta know
what she won the money at.

- May I continue?
- Go ahead.

"Yesterday,
I went to the Grand Prix."

I didn't know
she liked auto races.

Liked them?
She loves them.
Listen to this.

"I was leading the field
for 12 laps,

when I dropped my gearbox
on the straightaway."

Oh, for--

"After the race,
they had a ball at the palace,

and I wore
my diamond 'tah-rah-rah.'"

What's a tah-rah-rah?
It's a tiara.

- Will you let me
finish the letter?
- Yes, please, finish.

"I was planning to go
to the Italian Riviera
next month,

"but I haven't seen you
in such a long time...

that I decided to pay you
and what's-his-name a visit."

- That's you.
- She's getting better.

She used to call me
whatchamacallit.

"I wonder if you
and whatchamacallit
could do me a favor."

Uh, what does
"whosis" want?

Oh, she wants us to rent her
a villa while she's here.

Rent a villa
in Hooterville?

Well, it doesn't have to be
too big, but it should have
a swimming pool.

How about
Newt Kiley's place?

He don't have a pool,
but she can swim
in the irrigation ditch.

I don't think
she would like that.

How'd she like
to rent our barn?

You can't put a countess
in a barn.

No, y--
What countess?

My mother.
You know that.

Oh, boy,
Grandma's a countess!

Where you going?
I gotta take a bath.

A countess! Wow!
Wait till I tell
everybody.

Eb, don't--

Of all the-- Lisa, what did
you tell him that for?
Your mother's no countess.

You never saw the coat of arms
she has embroidered
on her nightgown?

How could I?
I never had the opportunity to--

This whole thing is silly.
What are you looking for?

For the family crest.
I thought we ought to hang it
in front of the house.

It would make mother
feel at home.

Lisa, will you cut it out?

Your mother is no more
of a countess than I am.

That shows
how much you know.

In the old country,
there were two classes
of people:

the countesses
and the other kind.

And my mother was a countess
because she was born
on the right side of the Danube.

It doesn't make any difference
which side of the Danube
she was born on.

You don't become a countess
until somebody makes you one.

Somebody did.
My father.

He wasn't a count.
How could he make her
a countess?

- He had something on the king.
- What king?

The one who forgot
to pull the shades down
in the palace.

When is Her Highness
arriving?

You'll know
when you hear the trumpets.

The trumpets.

Your family has a great deal
of mechanical trouble,
hasn't it?

What does that mean?
Well, your mother
dropped her gearbox,

and now you've slipped
your clutch.

Here you are, Arnold.
Take this to Fred.

[ Snorting ]

Huh?
What'd you say, Doris?
Oh, it's you.

You're getting
to where you sound
more like Doris every day.

Ha!
Well, how about that?

How do you like it, Fred?

Well, that's beautiful, Sam.

Ain't that the same size type
you used to announce that
Tom Dewey was elected president?

I wish you wouldn't
mention that, Fred.

I ain't the only paper
to make that mistake.
What mistake?

Tom Dewey was
elected president.
He was?

No.

Well, what'd you
print it for?

Well, I didn't know.
Take a look at that, Newt.

"Countess
to visit Hooterville."
Hey, that's us.

Uh, this countess,
who is he?

It's not a he,
it's Mrs. Douglas's mother.

No foolin'.
Hey.

Good morning, gentlemen.
[ All Saying Good morning ]

Say, did you hear
the news about Dewey
being elected president?

Dewey?

Newt's just talking about
a little mistake
I made once.

Your mother-in-law's
in the newspaper.

Who told you
she was a countess?

Eb did.
We should have known
Mrs. Douglas was a crowned head.

Yeah, she's got royalty
stamped all over her.
She is not--

Do you know what
the countess means
to Hooterville?

- I have no idea.
- It means that now
we can out-snoot Pixley.

Yeah, they ain't gonna be
able to throw his lordship
up to us anymore.

- Lordship?
- They've been rubbing it in,

ever since that English lord
visited Pixley.

He didn't visit them.
He got off the bus there
by mistake.

Well, it didn't make
no difference.

They gave him
a parade, didn't they?

And they declared July 12
Lordship Day.
Lordship Day?

Yeah, they closed
the banks and the schools,
but they leave the pubs open.

Yeah, but now
we got 'em.

Say, a countess is higher
than a lordship, ain't she?

Oh, by two points.

You hear that?

We better give her
a real big parade.
Look, fellas, I--

Say, do you suppose that
you could get the countess
to wear her tah-rah-rah?

Tiara.
Yeah, her tiara
tah-rah-rah.

Yes, and she'll wear
her "boom-dee-aye" too.

Listen to me now.
My mother-in-law
is a plain, ordinary--

It don't seem to me
like a parade is big enough
for a countess.

Well, we can discuss all that
at the chamber meeting tonight.
You'll be there, won't ya?

I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

Countess.

Oh, Mr. Douglas,
I've been waitin' for you.
Oh, no.

I hear you're looking
for a "viller"
for the countess.

No, I'm not.
If you'll just tell me
what it is,

I'm sure I got one
on my truck.

I doubt that.
A villa is a house.

It is?
Mr. D., you are
a lucky man.

I just happen to have
the most charming
three-bedroom viller,

with "sumpstone" front,
thatched roof,

a fireplace in every room,
including the bathroom,

which I will let
the countess have
for $16 a month.

Sixteen dollars a month?

It would be more,
but the drawbridge
ain't workin'.

Now, if you'll just sign
this seven-year lease--

Mr. Haney,
you're wasting your time.

My mother-in-law's
gonna stay at our house.

You mean you're
gonna let the countess
stay in that dump?

You sold me that dump.

Only because
you're a commoner.

Look, I--
I understand that
her countess-ship...

is looking for a staff
of servants too.

No, she--
How tall does
a butler have to be?

I have no idea.
I got one that's 7'3",

but he has to have
Saturday nights off
to play basketball.

Do you think the countess
would object to that?
She's not a countess.

If the countess needs
any other kind of help,

just have her call
my agency.

I can supply
everything for royalty,

from a scullery maid
to a tiara tah-rah-rah polisher.

I'll have the countess
get in touch with you.

Uh, you better
take my card.

Do you realize
what you started by saying
that your mother's a countess?

Well, she is.
Oh, she's just
a little Hungarian lady,

who makes a few francs
playing batrack--
or baccarat.

Well, if she isn't a countess,
why does she have
a diamond tah-rah-rah?

A diamond ta--

You know that Mr. Drucker
got out an extra?

Extra what?
An extra edition,

with a story in it
about your mother.

My mother?
Oh, you mean the countess.

She's not--
Look, will you stop
walking out on me?

You better get this countess
nonsense straightened out
before somebody--

[ Knocking ]
Now who's that?

Oh, Ralph.
Oh, Mrs. Ziffel.

Howdy doody,
your countess-ship.

- Oh, boy.
- Gosh, Mrs. Douglas,

why didn't you tell us
your blood was type "R"?

- Type "R"?
- Royal.

I'll say one thing,
you're no snob.

You've always treated
me and my brother
like we were human beings.

That wasn't easy.

We'll thank you
to button your lip.

We've having an audience
with the countess.

I'm no countess.

- You're not?
- I could have been,

but I blew it
when I married the commoner.

Oh, now, now, wait a--

Yeah, I know just how you feel.
I married below my station too.

Well, we're here
on official business.

The every-other-Wednesday
afternoon women's club...

would like to give
the countess a luncheon.

- Do you think she'd come?
- If it's free, she'll be there.

Is there someplace else
we can go and talk...

and not be bothered
by the riffraff?

When the countess comes to
the luncheon, do you think you
could get her to wear her tiara?

Her tah-rah-rah--
Her tiara-rara.

No, no, no, tiara.
It's a French word.

It means--
I know what it means.

Well, then why
can't you pronounce it?

- Ooh, for--
- When is the countess arriving?

Well, from her letter,
it could be any day now.

It would be helpful
if we could know what day
so we can plan the luncheon.

That's no problem.
Just keep a pot of goulash
burning in the window.

[ Gasps ]
Boy, are you insecure.

Well, we'll be
running along.

We just wanted you to know
what the countess's visit
means to Hooterville.

Yeah, we're gonna show Pixley--
them and their Lordship Day.

Gee, maybe we can get
the chamber to declare
her arrival a legal holiday.

All those in favor of declaring
the countess's arrival
a legal holiday, say aye.

- [ All ] Aye.
- Motion carried unanimously.

Wait a minute.
I didn't vote for it.

Well, you're not
a bona fide member
of the chamber.

I most certainly am.
I paid my dues.

- Let me see
your membership card.
- You never sent me one.

- Then you're not a member.
- Mr. Trendell,
that's not for you to say.

[ Gavel Pounds ]
Order! Order!

Now then,
about the countess's parade.

May I say something?
No.

Mr. Trendell,
I don't want you to have--
What about the music?

Uh, the Volunteer
Fire Department Band
will handle that.

Mr. Douglas, what country
is the countess from?

Perth Amboy.

Do they have
a national anthem?

"Yes, We Have No Bananas."

Mr. Douglas,
if you can't restrain yourself--

- I'm trying to.
- Mr. Douglas,

I take it from your attitude
that you are not
true Hooterville.

We should have known that
from some of those vests
he wears.

What have my vests
got to do with it?

They're the same color
as the Pixley city flag.

Listen. What--
Gentlemen.

All I'm trying to do
is to keep you from making
fools of yourselves.

You don't become a countess
because the king left the shades
up on the palace. I mean--

[ Gavel Pounds ]
Uh, thank you,
Mr. Douglas.

Now how about press coverage.
Who's gonna get in touch
with Drew Pearson?

- I'll take care of that.
- You'll take care--

Who's gonna get in touch
with the secretary of state?

- Oh, I'll take care of that.
- This is the silliest thing--

Uh, now, the next item
on the agenda is when is
the countess gonna get here.

Well, the sorehead
can answer that.

Yes, I'd like to,
but I don't have
a membership card.

Here, borrow mine.

Now, when is she arriving,
Mr. Douglas?

- Sometime this week, I guess.
- Well, how is she coming,
by train, plane or car?

- I don't know.
- He's not gonna tell us.
He's a Pixley lover.

- I'm not a--
- Well, what are we gonna do?

We can't stand out
in the street all week,

not knowing when
she's coming or how.

I think I got an idea.

Where's
this one go, Sam?
Uh, right there.

And where's this one go?
Well, there's only
one pipe left.

Oh, hello, Mr. Drucker.
Say, I wanted to buy so--
What are these?

This is the idea
I was talking about.

The countess arrival
warning system.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, I'll wait for you
in the store.

Well, you better listen
to this, Mr. Douglas.

You might have to take a turn
as a countess watcher.

Well, I'm first.
All right.

Now, the countess arrival
warning system...

is designed to tell us
when the countess is coming
and how.

If she comes by train,
the watcher sends up
this green rocket,

and everybody assembles
at the depot
with their instrument.

Uh, Mr. Douglas,
if you'd like to
make notes--

Oh, no, no,
I can remember that.

Now, if she comes by plane,
then he sets off
this red rocket,

and we all head
for the airport
with our instrument.

Are, uh-- Are you sure
you can remember all this,
Mr. Douglas?

I don't see how
I can forget it.

Okay. Now, the yellow rocket
is if she arrives by car,

And in that case,
we all meet right here.

Red if by land,
and green if by sea.

Darling,
what are you doing?
I'm leaving.

If you want me,
I'll be at my club
in New York.

What club?
I don't know. Whichever one
will let me join.

Well--

But, Oliver--
Lisa, I don't wanna be here
when your mother gets here.

It's gonna be a shambles.
Parades, skyrockets, bands.

[ Girls ]
♪ Hail to the countess
Hail to the countess ♪

♪ We're so glad you're here ♪

♪ Hail to the countess
Hail to the countess ♪

♪ Raise your glass of beer ♪

Raise your glass of beer?

No, that's not right.
Or is it?

No, it's not.
It's "raise your glass
and cheer."

Hi, Mr. Kimball.
Hello, Mr. Kimball.

Mr. Douglas.
Mrs. Douglas.
What's going on here?

Oh, the girls have worked out
a welcoming ceremony...

for Mrs. Douglas's
countess mother.

Well, it's very nice,
but who are these girls?

They're members
of the HYPAS.

Girls, what does that
stand for?

- Hooterville,
- Young.

- People.
- Athletic.
- Society.

Athletic?
No, that doesn't sound right.

You know why
it doesn't sound right?
Because it's wrong.

It should be
agricultural.

- I can't say that.
- Oh.

She came
very highly recommended.

Well, we'll have to do
a little rearranging.

Well, not a little.
We'll have to change the whole--

Um, you take Agricultural.

Uh, that'll leave
Society open. Uh--
You take that.

Uh, that moves you up
to People.
Uh, you become Young.

And, uh, well,
whoever's left,
gets Hooterville.

Now, let's try it again.
Girls, what does HYPAS mean?

Society.
People.
Young.

Hooterville.
Agriculture.

- That's better.
- Better than what?

After the girls sing
their beer song--

er, uh, cheer song
and spell out their HYPAS,

then they're
gonna show the countess
the tomatoes they've grown.

Well, they didn't grow 'em.
The vines grew them.

Well, anyway, girls,
show your tomatoes.

[ Girls Laughing ]

I said show 'em,
not throw 'em.

[ Whistling ]

- What's that?
- A yellow rocket.

That means she's coming by--
No, that was a red rocket.
Or is it green.

Well, whatever it is,
the countess is here.

♪ Hail to the countess
Hail to the countess ♪

♪ Raise your glass of beer ♪

Cheer.
Oh, well, save it
for the parade.

Come, darling. We got to
go into "Hootersville."
Mother is here.

♪♪ [ Playing ]

Where is Mother?
Oh, she's in the store.

What's the matter?
Oh, I guess the excitement
was too much for the countess.

She passed clean out.
Yeah, Mother,
what's the matter?

Speak to me.
Why should she?
That's not your mother.

- That ain't the countess?
- No.

Newt, why did you fire
the signal?

Well, I thought
she was driving
a countess car.

[ Sighs ]

We're sorry about this, ma'am,
but we thought you were
somebody important.

What kind of a town
is this?

I stopped to ask for directions,
and the next thing I know
rockets are going off.

They thought you were
my mother, the countess.

I don't wanna hear about it.
Just let me outta here.

♪ Hail to the countess
Hail to the countess ♪

♪ Raise your glass of beer ♪

♪ Hail to the countess
Hail to the countess ♪

Well, this should make
an interesting case
for the Supreme Court.

See what you started
when you started
that countess nonsense?

The poor woman nearly had
a nervous breakdown.

Well, it wasn't my fault
she was driving
a countess car.

Where's Grandma?
It wasn't Grandma.

- It wasn't?
She said she was.
- Who said she was?

The lady that drove up here
in the long black car
with the two fellas in front,

with the steering wheel
on the wrong side
and the bar in the backseat.

Oliver, that's Mother's car
with the chauffeur
and the "footsman."

I told you.

She was here.
Where is she now?

I sent her into Hooterville
to be paraded.
Why did you--

Oh, Oliver,
come on, let's go.
We'll miss the parade.

Oh, I didn't see
any car like that.

You sure?
Positive.

I think I know
a countess car
when I see one.

Yeah, you didn't know one
when you fired off the rocket
for that poor woman.

Well, none of us
is perfect.

That ought to be
the motto for this town.

Oliver, where could she be?
I don't know.
She's probably back at the farm.

She wasn't there?
No.

- Maybe she got lost.
- She couldn't have.

I gave the two fellas
that were drivin'
real clear directions.

I told them to go down the road
till they came to the place...

where the Barton's Bull Moose
Tobacco sign used to be,
and then turn left.

Where it used to be?

Yeah, and then
to turn to the left. Then--

No, I should have told them
to turn to the right.

I guess they are lost.

- You knucklehead, how--
- Look there!

[ Whistling ]

They found her!
They found her!

It was a misfire.
That Holmby kid focused his
magnifying glass on the fuse.

Then Mother isn't here?
No, ma'am.

Well, where could
she be, Oliver?

I haven't
the faintest idea.
Ha!

Well, Mr. Douglas,
how does it feel to be
the world's champion rat fink?

- What?
- He sold us out to Pixley
just like I said he would.

Now, that's a mighty
serious charge, Roy.

- Well, have you seen TV
in the last 10 minutes?
- No.

Well, they're parading
our countess over in Pixley.
Turn on your set.

How did Mother
get to Pixley?

Eb gave her
the wrong directions.

Aw, using the kid
to do your dirty work.
[ Scoffs ]

Mr. Trendell, I've had
about enough of your--

Shh!

But-- But I tell you,
I am not a countess.

- That's not the countess.
Where is your mother?
- I don't know.

Oliver, where could
Mother be?
Oh, stop worrying.

She's only been missing
a week.

Well, maybe something
happened to her.
Now, your mother is all right.

She's the most self-reliant
person I've ever known.
You'll hear from her soon.

This letter just came
from Grandma Countess.

You see?
Where is she?

She's in St. Moritz.
Boy, she really took
a wrong turn.

Listen to this.
"Darling, here
I'm in St. Moritz.

"I'm sorry you weren't home
when I visited Hootersville.
Maybe next time.

"Anyway, Switzerland
is beautiful, and I have
a very exciting news for you.

"The chauffeur,
the footsman and I...

"just won
the three-man bobsled race.

"I enjoyed my visit with you,
and I'm looking forward
to seeing you again next year.

All my love to you
and what's-his-name."
Uh, that's you.

Yeah, I'm beginning
to realize that.

I guess I'm the only one
that saw Grandma.

How did she look?
Well, I really
couldn't tell.

She never took off
her scuba diving mask.

Bye, Eb.
Oh, bye.

Grandma forgot her shoes.

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.