Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 21 - Flight to Nowhere - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Lisa!
Turn off the water!

Uh, Lisa.
Yes, master?

Will you hand me
my towel, please?

What do you need it for?

To dry myself.
Now, how did you
get all wet?

I've been tak--
Will you bring me a towel?

You used to swipe towels
from hotels,

now you swipe them
from executive producers.

What? Would you hand me
my bathrobe, please?

Well, if you want all this
service, you should've married
a Japanese lady.

Next time, I will.



The robe, please.

Does that mean
they wrote the crate?

What? What are you
talking about?

I wondered how
they were going
to get that one in.

Aren't you dressed yet?

Well, I have the underneath
on, but I can't make up
my mind about the outside.

Lisa, we're gonna
be late.
For what?

- The town meeting.
- Oh? What town are we meeting?

Will you put
something on?

Well, um--

Do you like this one?
Yes.

- It's out of style.
- By the time you're dressed,
it'll be back in style.

You sure know how to hurt
a sensitive Hungarian girl.

I'm just trying
to get you to hurry up.

Would you like
to pick out a dress?

Here.
That's very good.

Now pick one for me.

Lisa, I'll give you
five minutes,
and then I'm leaving.

- You'll wait for me.
- Don't be too sure.

There is one sure way
a woman can always
make a man wait for her.

- What's that?
- Swipe the keys to his car.

Get dressed.

Oh, hello, Mr. Ziffel,
Mrs. Ziffel.

Hi, Mrs. Douglas.
Hello, Arnold.

Arnold, say hello.

- What's the matter
with him?
- Oh, he's sulking...

because we didn't let him
stay home and watch TV.

- [ Squeals, Grunts ]
- It won't hurt for you...

to miss Walter Cronkite
one night.

- [ Squeals, Grunts ]
- Now, as you all know...

we have a very special
speaker tonight.

And I'm gonna call on
Hank Kimball to intro--

Hey! Ain't we gonna do
the Pledge of Allegiance?

I told everybody
to do that at home
to save time.

Now, here's your
county agent, Hank Kimball.

[ Applause ]

Thank you very much.

Hank, you're supposed
to introduce Mr. Tepple.

- I am? Where is he?
- He's sittin' right
beside ya.

Oh!

I'd like to introduce
Mr. Tepple, who's sitting
right next to me.

[ Applause ]

Folks, Mr. Tepple
is chairman of the State
Agricultural Society,

and he's come all the way
from the state capital...

to talk to us on a very
important matter.

- Mr. Tepple.
- [ Applause ]

Thank you.
Thank you.

- Uh, ladies and gentlemen--
- [ Squeals ]

Would you talk
a little louder?
Arnold can't hear you.

Oh, yes, surely.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
for over a year now,

the State Agricultural
Society...

has been planning
to charter a plane...

to take the farmers
from this area over to France...

to study their
farming methods firsthand.

Now, uh, I hope that you people
from Hooterville will
participate in this flight.

It sounds like
an interesting idea.

Yes. Uh, how many days
are we going to spend
in Paris?

Paris?
Is that in France?
Yes.

Put me down
for one seat.

Fred Ziffel, you ain't
goin' without me.

Maybe before you all start
arguin', we oughta find out
a little more about it.

Yeah. How much
is it gonna cost?

Well, the plane holds
120 people.

If Hooterville
will guarantee 10 people,

it shouldn't cost more
than 300 or 350 dollars.

That's sounds reasonable.
When would we be going?

Oh, uh, Mr. Drucker, uh--
Oh, yes.

Mr. Tepple has to get
over to another meeting
in Pixley,

and he asked
if we'd excuse him.

Uh, yes.
If you have any questions,
please ask Mr. Kimball.

He has all the information.
Uh, thank you and good night.

Now, are there any questions
you'd like to ask Hank
about the trip?

Yes, I have one.

You're supposed
to answer the questions.

I am?

Oh! Well, I have
the details right here.

Uh-- Oh, they're in
my other suit.

No, my brother's
in my other suit.

- Does that answer
your question?
- Nobody asked a question.

Oh, good, then we can
get on with the movies.

- What movies?
- Oh, uh,

some French pictures
I borrowed from
Charlie Wirtner.

[ Chuckles ]
Sort of give you an idea
what the country's like.

If somebody'd turn off
the lights.

Newt, run the projector.
[ Chuckles ]

Uh, these pictures
were taken on Charlie's
recent visit to Paris.

Oh, this is the main street
of Paris on a typical
Sunday afternoon.

As you can see,
everybody is walking
and having a great time.

- When was Charlie in Paris?
- 1918.

Oh, brother.

Oh! This is
the Paris airport.

As you can see,
people love to come to
the airport at night...

and watch the planes
come in.
That's Lindbergh's plane.

Yeah. All the airlines
land there.

This is a new department store
they were building when
Charlie was out there.

If you notice,
they just have
the framework up.

That's the Eiffel Tower.
Turn on the lights!

- What are you showing
those for?
- Well, the only other ones...

Charlie had were
the Kaiser signing
the armistice.

Forget those stupid pictures.
Let's talk about the trip.

Yeah, the question is,
is Hooterville gonna send
a delegation?

Uh, how much did
Mr. Tepple say
it's gonna cost?

300 or 350 dollars.

- Does that include everything?
- Oh, no, that's, uh, just
the "round-plane" trip fare.

Uh, no, the "round-fare"
trip plane.

Obviously, it's just
the plane fare.

That's gonna run up
the price.

Food's gonna cost
at least two dollars
a day.

And you can't get
a first-class hotel for less
than a dollar and a half.

We don't have to stay
at the best places.

Whatever it costs,
it's worth it.

It'll give us all
an opportunity...

to see how farmers
in another country
work and live.

We'll be able to observe
and learn, exchange ideas.

Well, why don't we
take a vote on it?

All those in favor
of goin' to France,
raise your hands.

Motion's carried.

Well, good morning, dear.

Good morning.
What's that mess?

- They're croissants.
- They are?

Well, they're not official
French croissants. I made
them out of hotcake batter.

I must say, your hotcake batter
has an international flavor--

which is about
the only flavor it does have.

If I wasn't going
to hit you for a whole
new wardrobe in Paris,

I'd resent that.

Lisa, this is not
going to be a shopping tour.

We'll probably only be
in Paris for one day.

Well, that's all right.
I'll get up at 6:00
in the morning--

Lisa, forget Paris.

How can I forget
Paris?

Remember how we used to
walk down the Champs-Élysées
hand in hand?

Lisa, I was never
in Paris with you.

What? Who's hand
was I walking with?

I'm sure I don't know.
Uh, how do you break these?

[ Loud Banging ]

- You're not even jealous.
- One problem at a time.
How do you break these?

[ Bangs ]
"Bun jower, mun amy."

Oh, boy. This is
really a day for problems.

This is a genuine
French "burett."

Mr. Drucker's got
a complete line of 'em.

They only cost 16 francs--
that's $1.50 in your
American money.

- You look very French, Eb.
- Yeah, he looks like the
Eiffel Tower with a flat hat.

- Sit down, Pierre.
- Oh, "mercy."

Ooh la la!
"Croy-sants."

"Croy-sants."
French horseshoes. By the way,
when are we leaving?

- We?
- That means "yes" in French.

I know what it means
in French.

Uh, what do you mean
in English, "we"?

You, me and Mama--
that's you.

Merci.
Vous êtes très gentil.

- You hear that?
- Yes.

- You know what it means?
- It means we're going,
but without you.

No, no, no, that's
not what it means.
It means that I--

I prefer
my own translation.

You mean you'd go to France
and leave me alone?
Oui.

- Speak English.
This is important.
- Oliver, why can't we take him?

Well, for one thing,
somebody's gotta stay here
and take care of the farm.

Why don't you do that?
It's your farm.

- That's right.
- Lisa, I'm not laying out...

any money for a ticket
for Left Bank Louie.

Well, I think
every boy should see
Paris at least once.

Thank you, Mama.
Look, we'll discuss
this later.

Uh, let's get
back to work.

- [ Clangs ]
- Oh, boy! A ringer!

[ Chuckles ]

Gosh, Mrs. Douglas,
it's awful nice of you
to take the time to do this.

Yeah, I don't have any
idea what kind of clothes
to take to France.

Well, why don't we start
at the beginning
with the nightgowns.

Well, this is the gowns
I always wear.

Ooh! I couldn't wear that!
You can see right through it!

Well, don't look.

What kind of dresses
should we take?

Mr. Douglas said we're
going to spend four
weeks in Europe.

Well, we'll need
on dress in the morning,

one for the afternoon,
one for cocktails
and one for dinner.

Times one week,
28 dresses--

Times four week,
or 112 dresses.

112? I only got three.

Well, don't worry
about that.

You can buy
everything you need
in Europe.

- That'll cost a lot of money.
- Well, you don't need
any money. You can charge it.

Oh! Fred don't believe
in chargin' things.

He says, "If you don't
have the cash, don't buy it."

Well, he shouldn't
talk like that.
That's very unpatriotic.

- What about coats?
- Well, if I were you,
I would take at least three--

A chinchilla,
a sable and an ermine.

But I've only got
one cloth coat.

- Don't you even have
a basic mink?
- No.

Well, don't worry
about it. I'll lend
you one of mine.

Howdy, Mr. Douglas.
Well, how are you,
Mr. Haney?

I guess you've been
lookin' all over
for me.

No, I haven't.
Well, you're going
to France, ain't you?

Well, we've been--
Then you're gonna
need one of these.

Mr. Haney, I've got
all the suitcases I need.

- With a false bottom?
- False bottom?

I knew that'd get
your attention.

Now, to open it,
you simply-- Oh.

Uh, pardon me. Would you
mind turnin' your back?

- What?
- Well, in case
you don't buy it,

it wouldn't be fair for you
to know about somebody else's
false bottom.

I am not interested
in any--

It's handy for bringing
in small things...

that you might be too
ashamed for the customs
inspector to see.

Now, to open it,
you just press--

Clever, ain't it?

Where's the false bottom?
In the money belt.

See? While the customs
inspector...

is tryin' to figure out
what happened to
the suitcase,

he forgets to ask you
if you've got anything
in your money belt,

and you go through
duty-free.

- That's illegal.
- I never saw anything
that said it was illegal...

for a man's suitcase
to fall apart.

- I don't need it.
- Well,

here's somethin'
that you will need--
a passport.

Only $6.95, including
the hand-tinted photo.

Mr. Haney, only
the State Department
can issue passports.

- For what country?
- The United States.

Well, you're goin'
to France.

This is a genuine
French passport,

personal signed
by Maurice "Chevaliar."

I have a passport.
Oh.

Then, would you mind
rolling up your sleeves
so I can vaccinate you?

Mr. Haney, please,
leave me alone.

Not until I've
sold you the one thing
every American needs...

while traveling abroad.

Haney's traveler's checks.

Haney's traveler's checks?

I can just imagine me
trying to get somebody
to cash one of those for me.

Easiest thing
in the world.

Oh! Excuse me, sir.
Would you mind cashing
this $10 traveler's check?

Sorry, I--
Oh, it's a Haney's
traveler's check.

I'd be glad
to help ya.

Thank you.

Where did you have
him stashed?
Who?

The shill that cashed
the check for ya.

Mr. Douglas,
I never saw him before.

He was a perfect
stranger.

How long we gonna be here,
Cousin Eustace?

A stranger, huh?
Well, I guess
nobody's perfect.

How do you spell
your last name,
Mr. Ziffel?

Z-I-F-F-E-L.

Put me down
for two tickets.
You're gonna take Doris?

No, I'm gonna take
Sophia Loren.

Doris ain't
gonna like that.

No, you nitwit. You know
Doris wouldn't let me
go to France by myself.

She won't even let me
go to Pixley alone.

- How about you, Mr. Kimball?
Are you going?
- No. I was in Pixley yesterday.

- He's talkin' about France.
- Oh.

Well, I-I haven't
been there--
or have I?

No, I don't guess
I ever have. Better put
me down for one ticket.

Oh, Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Tepple's making up
the plane list.

Oh! Mrs. Douglas and I
are going. Put us down.

Oh. Oh, that's fine.
Well, that makes 10
from Hooterville.

That fills up the plane
and brings down the cost
to $300.

Three hundred.
Now that's very inexpensive.

It sure is.
H-Here's my 30.

H-Here's mine.
That's 30 for me
and 30 for Doris.

Well, that--
Th-There's some mistake.

No, there ain't.
You said the fare was $300,

and there's 10 of us going
from Hooterville.

That makes it
$30 apiece.

- Here's my 30.
- No, fellas,
you misunderstood.

The fare is $300 apiece.

Give me back my 60.
Yeah, give me back my 30.

- Yeah, mine too.
- I-I don't understand
how you could--

Mr. Tepple,
it happens all the time.

Now, will you wait
outside a minute?

- I think I can
straighten this out.
- Well, don't count on it.

Now, look,

did you really think
that all it cost to go
to Europe is $30?

We don't know.
We weren't never there before.

Mr. Drucker,
you're a sensible man.

Didn't $30 seem
a little cheap to you?

Yeah, that's why I was goin'.

$300 is a very
reasonable price.

Not as reasonable as 30.

Look, normally, it costs ya
almost three times that much
to fly to Europe.

The only reason this was
so cheap was because
they're chartering the plane.

Well, they didn't
have to charter
such an expensive plane.

It won't really cost you
the $300.

This is a business trip.
It's deductible.

- From what?
- From your income tax!

- Did that go through?
- Yes.

Well, they oughta
send us some literature
or somethin'.

Gentlemen,

do you realize the good
that this trip will accomplish?

You know, the American farmer
isn't an island.

He doesn't stand behind
his fences and say,

"I don't care what goes on
in the rest of the world."

No. The American farmer
wants to learn
and to observe his neighbors,

whether they're across the road
or across the sea.
♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ]

The jet plane has broken down
the barriers of time and space.

Today, Hooterville--
Tomorrow, France.

Don't turn your backs
on this great opportunity!

Dig down in your pockets.
Somehow you'll find the money.

Mr. Douglas, the most I could
possibly dig up for this trip
would be $78.

Yeah, I could
scare that up too.

Yeah, so could I.
Fine.

We'll have a $78
trip to Europe.

Would you care to put that
in the form of a motion?

I move that we go to Europe
for $78, like Mr. Douglas said.

- All those in favor,
say, "aye."
- [ All ] Aye!

The motion's carried.

So, I sarcastically
suggested a $78 trip
to Europe,

and they voted to go.
Well, I'm with them.

Why should we pay 300,
when we can go for 78?

You cannot fly to Europe
and back for $78.
[ Knocking ]

Come in.
Oh, Mr. Tepple.

Ah. Happy to see you.
So am I.

Mr. Douglas,
I'll be brief.

- You are an international
troublemaker.
- I beg your pardon.

Would you like
to have some coffee?
No.

I-I was talking
to him.

- Uh, no, thank you.
- If you want some,
just say "when."

Mr. Douglas, it might
interest you to know...

that thanks to the wild
claims you've made,

our trip to France
has been canceled.

Offering to fly your group
to France for $78.

I never said that.
Weren't you there
when I talked to them?

- When?
- I'll get the coffee.

He doesn't want
any coffee.
But he just said "when."

Thanks to you,
everybody has withdrawn
from our flight.

They refuse to pay the $300,
because they claim you can
give them the same thing for 78.

- I never said that!
- Do you know, when the State
Agricultural Society...

started arranging
this trip?

When?
I'll get the coffee.

Nobody wants any coffee.
Well, then stop
saying "when."

We started two years ago
to obtain the cooperation
of the French government.

Through our joint efforts,

the French farmers agreed
to house our group in their
homes without any cost.

$300 would have been
the entire price.

- But I had--
- Well, if you can charter
a plane...

and fly 10 people
to Europe and back
at that price,

all I can say is,
bon voyage.

Uh, that means,
"Have a good trip."
I know what it--

Mr. Tep--
[ Door Closes ]

Oh, for--
Come on. We'd
better go and pack.

What for?
So we get a good
seat on the plane.

Lisa, there is no plane.

Mr. Douglas,
can I borrow $31 from you?

All I've got is $47,
and that'll make it an even
78 for my plane ticket.

There isn't any plane!

There isn't? Then I wonder
what everybody went up
to Pixley Airport to look at.

Well, there she is,
Mr. Douglas.

What is that?

That's the plane
we're goin' to Europe in.

Come on. Where
did you dig that up?

Uh, we didn't dig it up.
We took it down.

Yeah, it, uh,
used to be on top
of my cousin's diner.

Did you ever see
his place out on
Highway 27?

- The High Flyer.
- The High--

She's all set to go,
Mr. Douglas.

We stopped by the fillin'
station, had the oil changed
and checked the tires.

When do we leave?
Tuesday morning.

We take off at 8:00 sharp.

That'll get us into Chicago
early Sunday afternoon.

Five days to get
into Chicago?

Well, it's nearly
300 miles.

We figure to go
in easy stages.

Now, we leave Chicago
Sunday and arrive in
New York eight days later.

If you get a pilot.
What idiot is gonna fly that?

- We figured you would.
- Me?

You're the only idiot
we know that can fly.

I wouldn't get in that plane,
let alone fly it.

Now I figure we should
make it from New York
to Greenland...

in approximately 10 days--

providin' we don't
make too many comfort stops.

Now, from Greenland
to Ireland,

it is exactly
2200 miles.

- How long will that take?
- Six months-- if they have
a tailwind.

Well, you folks heard
what the pilot said,

now you better have
lots of food.

Is there anymore questions?
I have one.

Have you cleared this
flight with the Federal
Aviation Agency?

- Who are they?
- They supervise all airplane
flights in this country.

I work for them.
My name is Carter.

How do you do?
Who's the pilot...

- of that
magnificent craft?
- Mr. Douglas.

May I see your license?
I don't have a license.

You don't have a license?
He don't need one.
He was a flyer in the war.

Look, I don't have
any intention of flying
that plane anywhere.

Good, because nobody's
flying that plane.

I'm grounding it
permanently.
Good day.

How do you like that?
Boy, pretty high-handed.

Yeah.

Why do you suppose
the government is trying
to keep us from going?

I don't know, but
we ain't gonna let 'em
get away with it.

Sabotage?
Who are we supposed
to be sabotaging?

Well, it's a little
complicated, sir.

There's this group of farmers
in Hooterville who were
supposed to go to France.

They didn't have enough money
to go on a regular airline,
so they chartered one,

and it was grounded
by the F.A.A.

The flight's been canceled.

Now the French papers
are accusing us
of being cheapskates.

- What?
- Hah. You oughta see
what the Russians are saying.

Aw, forget it.
It'll all blow--
[ Ringing ]

Hello.

Who? Yes, uh,
put him on.

It's the man
on Pennsylvania Avenue.

- [ President Speaking,
Indistinct ]
- Yes, sir. I was reading it.

[ President, Indistinct ]

No, sir. I don't know how
the Russians got wind of it.

- [ President, Indistinct ]
- B-But, sir, we have no
appropriations for--

- [ President, Indistinct ]
- Petty cash?

[ Indistinct ]
Yes, sir.
Right away, sir.

Clyde, buy 10 plane tickets
to France.

Here's your ticket, Hank.
Thank you.

And yours, Fred.
Mm.

Here's yours, Newt,
Mrs. Douglas,
and Mr. Douglas.

These are free?
Courtesy of the State
Department in Washington.

Doggone! I take back
everything I said.

The government
sure likes us.

Wait a minute.
I'm not too sure
about that.

These are one-way.

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.