Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 20 - Arnold, Boy Hero - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

What do you say, Eb?
Are they ripe?
Tell you in a minute.

That one is.

So is that.

Eb, will you stop eating them?
We can't sell used apples.

- How else am I gonna tell
if they're ripe?
- Let me have one.

- That one sounded
a little mushy.
- That was my head.

- Well, that's ripe.
- Come on down.

Yes, sir.

I think the apples
are ripe enough to pick.
Good.

And so are the bananas.
The what?

I found it growing
right next to the oranges.



What oranges?
The ones on the branch
below the hard-boiled eggs.

Will you--
Is it all right
if I eat my lunch now?

Later.
Hey, maybe I can
find a papaya.

Yes. Maybe you can
find another job.
I'm not lookin' for one.

- Well, you keep bugging me,
and you will be.
- I'm sorry.

- Okay. Now, the next thing--
- I don't mean to keep
bugging you.

- Well, then don't. Tomorrow--
- I'm just tryin'
to cheer you up.

And just why
do I need cheering up?

Well, if I had a crop
of apples like this,
I'd be depressed too.

- Look, Eb,
did you get the pickers?
- No, sir.

- Why not?
- I don't know what kind
to get:

apple pickers,
hard-boiled egg pickers,

orange pickers,
banana pickers
or coconut pickers.

Where did that come from?
I guess George
threw it down.

You can come down now, George.
George?

- Holy smoke!
My monkey escaped!
- What monkey?

That one. Hey, George,
you came back.

[ Chittering ]

Hey, you're not George.
What happened to George?

Oh, I forgot.
It's George's day off.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.
I'd like to talk to ya.

Well, I'm in kind of a hurry.
I just want
to ask you a question.

-What is it?
-That's not the question. Would
you like to ask something else?

You're the one
who had the question.

I did? What is it?
Oh, no, that was your question.

- Look, I'll--
- Now I know.

- Have you seen a monkey
running around here?
- A monk-- Oh, you mean George!

No, Clarence.
It's George's day off.

You see, he works for us
down at the agricultural lab.

He works for you?
Yeah. You see, the chief
had this great idea.

Well, it wasn't great.
He hadn't had a great idea
since--

- No. That wasn't
such a great idea either.
- Look, Mr. Kimball, I have to--

You know, there's a shortage
of fruit pickers,
and the chief's idea...

was to train monkeys
to become pickers.

They learn easy
and work for peanuts.

- That was a chief joke.
- Whose joke are you?

Well, uh--
You'd be happier
with another county agent.

- Yes, I would.
- Well, you don't have to
make up your mind right now.

- Think it over.
- Mr. Kimball,

I was just on my way
into Hooterville to see if
I could hire some apple pickers.

Just a second.
Ben Miller.

- What about him?
- 'Bout who?

- Ben Miller.
- Where did I hear that name
before?

You just mentioned him.

Gee, I wonder why.
[ Snaps Fingers ]

Now I remember.
He's got a couple apple pickers
pickin' pippins,

and as soon as he's through,
I thought I could send him
over here to you.

Oh, that'd be fine.
I need them badly.
Now, you won't forget?

Forget what?
The apple pickers!

Oh, no, sir.
I'm gonna make a note of that.
[ Exhales Forcefully ]

[ Clears Throat ]
Two apple pickers
for Mr.--

- uh, Mr.-- uh--
- [ Snorting ]

- Oh, hello, Arnold.
- [ Snorting ]

I thought
that was Joey's paper route.
What happened to him?

[ Snorting ]

Oh, he's sick, huh?
That's too bad.

Well, see you around.

Lisa?
[ Knocking ]

What?
Excuse me. I've gotta
answer the door.

Why?
What did it say?
It didn't say anything.

Then why bother
answering it?
Lisa, look.

I got enough trouble
without--
[ Knocking Continues ]

There's somebody
at the door.
Yes, I know.

- Then why don't
you answer it?
- That's what--

It isn't polite to stand here
and talk to somebody when you've
got a knocker at the door.

Yes? What the--

How did you knock
on the door?

Thank you, Arnold.
See you tomorrow.

What was that all about?
Arnold took over
the paper route from Joey.

He wants
to save up enough money
to buy a color TV set.

A color TV?
He's tired of looking at
the world in black and white.

Yes, I can see
where that would be
a big hang-up for him.

Mr. Ziffel said he already
saved up five dollars.

- Ooh. That's fine.
- Of course, that's not enough
to buy a color TV set.

Look, why doesn't he go
to Las Vegas with the five
and see if he can run it up?

Arnold doesn't gamble anymore
since he lost all that money
playing the horses.

- Playing the--
- This time,
Mr. Ziffel is going...

to make him
open up a bank account.

Howdy. Are you the fellow
that I'd talk to about
opening an account?

Yes, sir.
Won't you come in?
Thank you.

Will you
have a seat, please?
Thank you.

- Your name, please.
- Ziffel. Fred Ziffel.

- Is that the way
you want the account to read?
- No.

- I want it to read
"Arnold Ziffel."
- Arnold?

- My boy here.
- Oh.

- [ Snorting ]
- We can't open an account
for a pig.

[ Squealing ]

Oh, now, Arnold,
don't get upset.

Remember? I've told ya
that the world is full
of prejudice.

- I didn't mean any offense.
- Okay, everybody. Freeze.
This is a stickup.

Get the cash.
Move!

Oh.
Slip the money
in there, mister.

- Now, just a minute.
You can't--
- Sit down.

- Just relax, pop.
How you doin'?
- Okay. Let's go.

Just a minute.
Okay. Let's have it.
Let's have it, will ya? Come on.

[ Squealing ]
Knock it off.
Knock it off.

Okay. Now, don't nobody
try to follow us,
or youse'll get hurt.

Hello? Hello!
Get me the sheriff,
quick.

Calling all cars.
Calling all cars.

Be on the lookout
for a 1952 gray coupe.

This car was used
in a bank robbery in Pixley.

Approach with caution.
The two occupants are armed
and believed dangerous. 10-4.

[ Siren Wailing ]

Hold it, Barney.
What's the matter now, Clyde?

I'm beat. Why did we
have to ditch the car?

You heard the radio.
They had a description of it.

- What are we gonna do?
- We gotta find a place to hole
up in until the heat's off.

I know I should've never
let you talk me into this heist.

How much did we get?
Sixty-seven bucks.

You said the bank
was gonna have the payroll
from the sawmill.

- That's it.
- Sixty-seven bucks?

- Plus the five I got
from the pig.
- [ Groans ]

Come on.

Watch it.
Hey, look.

Holy smoke.
Tobacco Road!

It's perfect,
just the kind of place
we're lookin' for. Come on.

[ Chickens Clucking ]
There you are.
There you go.

I don't hear nothin'.
Then open up the door.

What's the matter?
What you wanna
break it for?

He didn't break it.
It always comes off.

Who are you?
I'm the lady
of the house.

Oh, you must
be the fellows
Mr. Kimball sent.

You were supposed to go
right to the orchid.
The orchid?

Where they grow the apples.

Oh, the apple orchid.

Yes, well, aren't you
the apple "picklers"?

Yeah, that's right, lady.
We're the apple picklers.

Would you like to have some
coffee before you go to work?
Sure. Sure.

Excuse me.

Hey, what's
an apple pickler?

Somethin' you do
in the orchid, dummy.

You know something, Barney?
There's something fishy
about this place...

and that chick
in the fancy negligent.

I got a feeling that
we should blow.
What's the matter with you?

You couldn't find
a better hideout than this.
I don't know. I don't know.

You've done all right
with me so far, haven't you?
Oh, sure. Great.

Sixty-seven dollars.
Seventy-two.

Oh, yeah. I keep forgettin'
about the pig's five-spot.

Here's your coffee.

Hold it. Hold it.
What is this?

Well, I didn't know
how much water you wanted.

- Are you puttin' us on?
- Putting you on what?

Lady, ain't I
seen you someplace before?

- I've been there.
- Used'n you to do a fan dance
in Chicago...

under the name
of Fat Mama Brown?

I don't think I've ever
been in Chicago under that name.

Fat Mama used
to run a bookie joint.

- Yeah.
You got a horse room here?
- Yes. Outside in the barn.

But the cow uses it
because we don't have a horse.

[ Barney ]
Hey, where you goin'?
To get you some cream and sugar.

Look, lady,
we don't need any--
[ Knocking ]

- Who's that?
- That must be the paper boy.
Would you let him in, please?

Yeah.

All right, kid.
Let's--

It's the pig!

[ Squealing ]

- Do you know Arnold?
- We never seen him before
in our lives.

[ Snorting ]

Well, he seems
to know you.

Who you gonna believe,
me or the pig?
Out. Out!

Beat it. Beat it.
[ Squealing ]

You don't have to be so mean!
Look, lady,
we don't want any trouble.

Guess what happened in Pixley.
Two guys held up the bank.

No foolin'.
No. Here.
Look at the picture.

Picture?

Ten bucks? You told me
you only got five from him.
I did.

The pig says 10.
He's lyin' in his teeth.

How do I know? While I was
stickin' up that teller,

you were puttin'
the snatch on the pig.

Well, I guess we know now
who the bad guys are.

That's right, lady.
We're the bad guys.

Now, just sit down
and keep your yap shut.

- What's my yap?
- Sit down.

Well, I just asked because
I wanted to know what I have
to keep shut.

Down.

Wait till my husband
gets home and finds out
how you were yelling at me.

When your husband gets home,
we'll take good care of him.

- You wouldn't
"shoost" him, would you?
- What's "shoost"?

- What's "yap"?
- I think it means
knock him off.

Oh, wouldn't we?
[ Oliver ]
Lisa.

That your husband?
Oh, no, no, no. That's Harry,
my next-door neighbor.

Yeah? Well, get rid of him.
And one wrong word from you,
and he gets it.

What's the wrong word
so I wouldn't say it
so he wouldn't get it?

Just get rid of him!
[ Oliver ] Lisa,
did you hear about the--

Oh, hello there,
Harry.
I-- Harry?

How are things
on your farm next door,
Harry?

What are you talking about?
You'd better go home, Harry,
because we won't be able...

to do any necking this afternoon
because your wife is looking
for you.

Lisa.
Bye, Harry.

Lisa, is something wrong?
Yes.
We're through, Harry.

You might be through with Harry,
but I'm still your husband.
Uh-huh.

Husband, huh?
Who are you?

That's Barney,
and that's Clyde.

The bank robbers! I heard
about it on the radio! That's
what I came in to tell you!

Well, you didn't have to come
and tell me, because they were
here and I already knew.

If you want to run along
and tell anybody else--
Nobody's goin' no place.

Now, the both of you
sit down.
Yeah. Sit down.

We'd better do
what they say.

Did they hurt you?
Are you all right?

Well, I don't exactly feel
like singing and dancing
like Fat Mama Brown.

Fat Ma--
Look, what do you want?

We just wanna hole up
for a couple of days.

Now, if you two "cuperate"
and don't give us no trouble,
nobody'll get hurt.

- We won't be any trouble.
- Good.

- Lady, make us something
to eat.
- There'll be trouble.

- What would you like?
- Do you know how
to make hotcakes?

- Oh, boy.
- Make us some.

Uh, look, fellas.
Why don't I just
send out for a hamburger?

- Shut your yap.
- There goes that word again.

- If you take my advice--
- We don't need any advice
from you.

Somebody's bound to
find out you're here.

Nobody knows we're here
except you two and the pig,

and he ain't gonna tell nobody.

[ Squealing ]

Arnold, will you shut up?
I'm tryin' to
read my paper.

- What's the matter with him?
- I don't know.

He's all shook up
since they took his five dollars
away from him.

- [ Snorting ]
- He sounds like he's tryin'
to tell you something.

Well, whatever it is,
I ain't interested.

[ Continues Snorting ]

Nah, Arnold.
You can't use the phone.

Why don't you get your ball
and bat and go on out
and hit a few fungoes.

What makes them
"bloop" like that?

I often
ask the same question.
Will you shut up?

What do you got in 'em?
I'm not sure.

What do you mean?
It's a secret recipe...

that was handed down
in my family from father to son.

My father didn't have a son,
so that's how I got it.

Do you want to try one?
Yeah. Sure.
[ Yelping ]

Froze!

Lady, give him back his gun,
or Harry gets it.

- Harry, what do you think?
- Give him back his gun!

- His may not be loaded.
- Give him back his gun!

Don't you want
to try and jump him?

Will you please
give him back his gun?

Well, here you are.

- You try that again, and I'll--
- You touch her, and I'll--

Sit down.

Dish out them bloopers.

Mr. Douglas, did you hear
about the two bank robbers
that held up the--

Hey, you caught 'em.
If I caught 'em, how come
they've got the guns?

Oh. Well, as long
as you're having lunch,
I'll be runnin' along.

- Kid, sit down.
- No, thanks. I'm not hungry.

- Sit down!
- Eb, you'd better do
what they say.

He's got
itchy finger triggers.

No, ma'am. You mean
itchy trigger "figgers"--
uh, "fringen tiggers."

Will you two knock it off?
You, sit down.

You, keep cookin'.

So you're the two big men
that stole the $20
from Arnold.

Twenty?
It was only five.

Arnold said it was 10
in the paper.

I don't care what he said.
Who's gonna listen
to a stupid pig?

- Arnold, what are you doing
in here?
- [ Snorting ]

- Get away from that phone.
- [ Continues Snorting ]

If you wanna make a call,
it'll cost you 10 cents.
Have you got it?

- [ Snorting ]
- No I.O.U.s.

Why don't you go home
and use Fred's phone?

Now, git.

My phone bill's high enough
without pigs comin' in here
and makin' calls.

Hello. Sarah?
Who was Arnold trying
to call?

Now, who does he know
in Philadelphia?

[ Squealing ]

That's right. Block off
County Road, then send a couple
of men to Simpson's Swamp.

And then you'd better--
Wait a minute. Will you please
be quiet?

- [ Continues Squealing ]
- We'll get your five dollars
back...

as soon as
we catch those two crooks.

Go cry
on somebody else's shoulder.

Sorry, Jack. Now,
you'd better station a car...

at the junction
of Highway 6 and 14,

then station
another one around 9,
by the railroad--

These are good, just like
my mother used to make.

No wonder you turned out
the way you did.

- What do you mean by that?
- Will you finish? I'm starved.

Okay, okay. Sit down.
Let's have a stack
of them things, huh?

Hold it.
Did you hear something?

No. I didn't
hear anything.

I'm not talkin' to you.
[ Eb ]
I didn't say anything.

I'm not talkin'
to you either.

Hey, Barney,
did you hear anything?
No.

I thought I heard a kind
of a grunting sound.

[ Snorting ]

Yeah. Yes. Thank you.

Just got a tip on a couple
of suspicious-looking characters
over at Crabwell Corners.

Now, I want you
to take a couple of men and
get over there as soon as you--

[ Snorting ]
Look, I thought I told you
to-- What is that?

It's the money from the bank.
Where did you get this?

[ Squealing ]

Follow that pig!

All right. All right.
Where's the bag?

- What bag?
- That bag with the loot in it.

If somebody stole your bag,
maybe I ought to go
and call the police.

You ain't callin' nobody.
Now, which one of youse
took it?

- We haven't got your money.
- Well, no one else was here.

Look. Look, Barney.
Why don't we forget it?
I don't like this whole setup.

Let's get outta here.
Not without the loot.

What loot?
A lousy sixty-seven bucks?

It was 72,
countin' the five
I got from the pig.

Arnold said it was 10.
I heard it was 20.

If you've been
holdin' out on me--

Clyde, what are we
arguing about?
For cryin' out loud--

I got an idea.
Let's take the rock.

- That can't be real.
- Yeah. That's right.

That's just a piece
of cheap costume jewelry.

Then why is it insured
for $42,000?

Lisa, you didn't
have to tell--

Take it.
Oliver, don't let them
take my ring!

They wouldn't have taken it
if you hadn't told 'em
it was worth $40,000!

- Forty-two.
- Let's go.

Let's go? In what?

- You got a car?
- Yes.

- Let's have the keys.
- Gladly.

- Let's have 'em, lady.
- Never.

Lady, that ain't
Fort Knox.

Lisa, give him the keys.
No.

What do you need keys for?
If you were any kind of crooks,
you'd be able to jump the wires.

- How do you do that?
- Don't you ever watch
educational TV?

Come on!
Give us the keys!

All right. Back up.
Back up. Back up.

All right.
Drop your guns.

Sheriff, how did
you know they were here?
Arnold tipped us off.

[ Squealing ]
You said he wouldn't
tell anybody.

If you knew anything
about pigs, you would know
they're all squealers.

Oliver.
Hmm? Hmm?

How can you go to sleep
with what you got
on your mind?

I haven't got anything
on my mind. Good night.

Well, some people
go to sleep easier
than others.

Yes, they do, and I wish
I was one of them.

Then it doesn't bother you
that the pig was a hero,
and you were a chicken.

- What are you talking about?
- You just stood there...

while the crooks
were taking my ring
without doing anything.

I did something.
I shook pretty good.

Well, it's a fine thing.
You were shaking while
they were taking.

Lisa, they had guns!

If you spent a little more time
watching television,

you would know
how to handle a situation
like this.

All you had to do was
kick one fellow's gun out
of his hand...

and give the other one
a club with your karate.

Yes, I would have,
but I didn't have my karate
with me.

- Now may I go back to sleep?
- Well, if it weren't
for Arnold,

I wouldn't have my ring.

You ought to do something
very nice for him.

Yeah. I won't
eat any bacon for a week.

Even though
you didn't save me,
I still love you.

Oh, thank you.

- I don't feel as safe
as I used to.
- Good night.

Oliver, I don't want you
to get the wrong idea.

I'm glad that you didn't
do anything with the guns,

because you mean much more
to me than that ring does.

- I'm glad.
- Anyway,

the ring is insured
for $42,000, so if they took it,
it wouldn't be any loss.

I told you that.
Forgive me.

I was wrong.
I love you.

And I love you.
May I go to sleep?
Yes, darling.

Good night.
Good night.

Oliver?
What?

How much
are you insured for?

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.