Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 2 - Lisa's Jam Session - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Hey, good morning, dear.

Good morning, darling.

Here's your napkin.
Thank you.

Is your chair close enough
to the table?
Oh, fine. Thank you.

Did anybody
tell you this morning
that you are very handsome?

Well, I haven't
seen anybody yet. Uh--
Well, you are very handsome.

All right, Lisa,
what did you do?

Well, they say the way
to a man's heartburn
is through his stomach.

And I can't go the stomach route
today, because I ran out
of hotcakes' flours,

and I can't make you
hotcakes for breakfast.

- You can't make hotcakes?
- Should I get the whip?



No, no, just let me sit here
and let it sink in.

No hotcakes.

♪♪ [ Happy Whistling ]

Well, you're not very upset.

Well, I'm just covering up
for what's inside-- relief.

Don't worry.
I made you something else:
coffee and toast.

Well, what can you do
with a piece of--

No, I better not say that
till I see it.

[ Clatters ]

Do you think you want
some more toast?

Lisa, why did you
put the toaster
in the oven?

Well, when I plugged it in,
the "electrizzical" didn't work,

so I had to put in the oven
to make the toast.

Why didn't you just put
the bread in the oven?

Well, if the bread
isn't in the toaster,
how do you know it is toast?

You know, when you
first told me that,
I thought it sounded stupid,

but now that you've
explained it, I think
you're out of your mind.

Well, if you don't want it--

No, no, no.
Oh, it's fine. Fine.
Just get me some jam.

What kind do you want?
Oh, anything:
strawberry, peach.

Well, we only have
one jar left.

- That's fine. What is it?
- Silver polish.

- What happened to all the jam
and jelly that we had?
- I guess Eb ate it.

Well, all right.
Why don't you order
some more then?

All right. Well, I put it
on my shopping list
for Drucker's.

I can't make out your writin',
Mrs. Douglas. Is this
"six pounds of hotcake flour"?

No. Six hundred pounds.
Six hundred?

In case we get snowed in.

All I have on hand is
about 15 pounds. I could order
the rest special for you.

[ Mouthing Words ]
Don't listen to him
shaking his head. Order it.

- Is this "jam"?
- No, that's ink.
My pen was leaking.

No, no, no.
I mean this word.

Oh, yes. That's
"six jars of jam."

Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't carry jam. You see,
I don't have any call for it.

- All the women around here
put up their own.
- Well, I--

I-I do carry the stuff you need
to make your own home preserves.

That's nice.
What's next on my list?
Uh, wait a minute.

That's a good idea.
Make your own jam.

Why don't you go
and polish the car?

Well, it makes sense.
We grow enough fruit.

That's right, Mrs. Douglas.
And there ain't anything better
than homemade preserves.

Boy, are you two
cahooting together?

No, we're not
in cahoots.
No?

For the first time in two years
you ask me for jam.

Then we get here,
and then Mr. Drucker says
he doesn't carry any,

because all the women
make their own.

Then you say,
"That will be a good idea."

And then your friend here
is trying to sell me
all the stuff to make it.

And if that isn't a "cahootey,"
I never met one.

Look all I said was,
it'd be a good idea
to make your own jam.

- That's what he said.
- You go along with everything
the Kingfish says.

- Lisa, we--
- Good mornin'.

Oh, hello there,
Mr. Ziffel.
Uh, Sam, uh,

Doris sent me over here to get
a dozen of them fruit jars.
She gonna put up some jam.

Oh, boy.
You brought in
another cahoot.

Oh, Lisa,
it's just a coincidence.

We simply were
talking about jam
when he happened to walk in.

- Oh, Mrs. Douglas, you gonna
put up some jam too, huh?
- No.

Ah, there ain't nothin'
like homemade jam.

I told Doris
when I married her,
I didn't want her bringin' in...

none of that store-bought stuff
to sog up my toast.

- Doris makes the best jam
in the whole valley.
- Ah, she sure does.

Oh, you letting them run
with the ball now.

Lisa, home preserving is
an American tradition.

It started with
the Pilgrims.
Fife time.

- Huh?
- The Pilgrims--

those early settlers,
the first to till
the soil in America.

♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ]
They planted their seeds in
the rocky soil of Massachusetts.

There it goes.

♪♪ [ Continues ]
The sun smiled on their fields--

- I didn't hear anything.
- and the crops grew,
and the fruits ripened.

And at harvest time,
the American farm wife--

♪♪ [ Stops ]
Oliver, will you talk quieter?
Mr. Ziffel can't hear the fife.

- What fife?
- The one that always plays
when you make those speeches.

I'm not making a speech.

I'm just trying
to point out that making jam
is an American tradition.

One which started when
the first Yankee settler--
♪♪ [ Resumes ]

scraped the rocks
from the soil of New England
with his bare hands.

♪♪ [ Stops ]
I think I heard it.

Was it playin'
"Stars and Stripes Forever"?
No. "Yankee Doodle."

Then I didn't hear it.

All right. Forget the whole
thing. Let's get our order
and get out of here.

[ Blows ]
Whose move
is it?

- Your move.
- Gee, Dad, it sure is nice
of you to teach me chess.

- I am not your dad.
- Well, whoever you are, it sure
is nice of you to teach me.

Will you move?
[ Blows Louder ]

What do you call this again?

- That's a--
- Ooh, I know.
It's a prawn.

A pawn.
[ Blows ]

Lisa, uh, do you have
to make that noise?
What noise?

That-- [ Blows ]
I wasn't blowing--
[ Breathes Loudly ]

I was blowing--
[ Blows Softly ]

Well, it sounded
to me like--
[ Blows Loudly ]

Boy, there sure is a lot
of tension around here tonight.
It's like a Joan Crawford movie.

Will you move?

- How 'bout if I move
my prawn to here?
- Pawn.

- [ Blows Loudly ]
- Lisa--

[ Bangs Chess Piece ]
There you are.

- Checkmate.
- What does that mean?

- It means you've lost the game.
You can't move.
- How 'bout this one?

This is not checkers.
Ya can't move like that!
[ Blows Loudly ]

Lisa, why are you
doing that?

Why, you always get more
money for clean diamonds
in a prawn shop.

- A pawn shop.
- You gonna prawn
your diamonds?

Pawn! Pawn!
[ Blows Loudly ]

What's all this talk about
prawning-- or p-p-p-pawn--
pawning diamonds?

How else am I going to get
my getaway money?

What do you need
getaway money for?

Well, after the way you
talked to me about the jam
at Mr. Drucker's,

the only place our marriage
can go to is Reno.

Reno?

That's where you go
when your marriage
is phht.

What do you mean,
phht?
[ Blows Loudly ]

Lisa, I don't know what
you're carrying on about.
All I did was ask--

There goes the jam
in my face again.

Forget the jam! If you
don't want to make it,
don't make it!

I don't intend to!
Good!

- Well, I'm glad that's settled.
- Oh, it's not settled.

Well, Mrs. Douglas
said she didn't intend to,
and you said, "Good."

That sounds settled to me.

The only thing that's
settled around here is that
I'm going to bed. Good night!

- Boy, that was a pretty
vulgar display of histr'onics.
- [ Blows Loudly ]

Oliver. Oliver.
Mm.

Are you awake?
Mm?

- I am now.
- I couldn't sleep either.

- Lisa, what are you--
- Ever since we were married,
we always had a rule:

Never to go to sleep
while we were mad at each other.

- I'm not mad at you.
- Well, I'm mad at you.

You want to say
you're sorry?

All right. "You're sorry."
Good night.
That isn't all.

[ Exhales ]
I didn't think it was.

The reason I couldn't sleep
was because...

my conscience
was bothering me about
not making the jam for you.

Oh, forget that.

I can't. In 1924,
the Hungarian parliament
passed a law...

which said that
all Hungarian women...

had to do
whatever their husband
wanted them to do,

no matter how dumb it was.

Lisa--

It was called
the Big Dumb Law of 1924.

If you didn't do the dumb thing
your husband wanted you to do--
[ Clicks Tongue ]

you could get into
an awful lot of trouble
with the Hungarian parliament.

They could make
your life miserable.

Lisa, will you
let me go to sleep?

As soon as I tell you
what I'm going to do.

I am going
to make you some jam.

Great.

That way I can kill
two birds with one stone:

you and
the Hungarian parliament.

Good night.
Good night.

Hi. Mrs. Douglas and I are gonna
pick some peaches for her jam.
Good.

Howdy.
Wait a minute.

Weren't you on the other end
of the ladder?
Yes, sir.

Oh.
I saw Laurel and Hardy do this
trick on the Late, Late Show.

I don't know how they did it,
but it sure works good.

I better see a doctor.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

♪♪ [ Doorbell Chiming ]

♪♪ [ Stops ]
[ Bangs ]

♪♪ [ Finishes Last Note ]
How do you like it?

Well, it's uh--
The idea is to let the farmer
know his county agent is coming.

[ Chuckles ]
So he can hide?

Hide what?
Oh, I see. It's a joke, huh?

No, not a joke.
It had an undercurrent
of nastiness to it.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I got the chimes idea
from Ollie Faber.

He's a county agent
over in Carstairs County.
Hmm.

Drives and ice-cream truck
on the side.
Oh.

Does a little moonlighting.
Hmm.

Well, not moonlighting.
He does it in the daytime.

I guess it's
"sunlighting," huh?
Well, it's really--

Well, whatever it is,
the department frowns on it.

All they want you to sell
is agriculture.

Well, that's--
Oh, hey,

Wanna buy
an agricultural sandwich?

- Uh, no, thanks.
- Maybe Eb would like one.

♪♪ [ Doorbell Chiming ]

♪♪ [ Stops ]
[ Bangs ]

♪♪ [ Finishes Last Note ]
[ Chuckles ]
Catchy tune, isn't?

♪♪ [ Whistling Chime Melody ]

♪♪ [ Stops,
Finishes Last Note ]

Kind of a Guy Lombardo
ending, huh?

Well, not Guy--
Hello, Mr. Kimball.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Douglas.
Say, are those peaches?

I'd like to find out
if they're ripe enough.

Oh. Well, I'll have to
send them to Washington,
make a few tests on 'em--

Probably take a couple of weeks
to get the report back,

Course, if they're ripe now,
they'll be overripe then.

- It's ripe.
- Well, that's
another way of telling.

- It's ripe enough
to make jam out of.
- They are? What kind of jam?

What kind of jam would
you make out of peaches?

Peaches, huh?
Uh, let me see.

Oliver, how many peaches
do we have to pick?

Depends on
how many jars
you wanna make.

Oh, you can't make
jars out of peaches.
No, you make them outta glass.

Hey, the department
has a bulletin
on glass blowing.

Have the got a bulletin
on home preserving?

Home preserving.
Yeah, yeah.
Home preserving.

Oh, here it is.
How to Prevent Dry Rot.
Aw.

Oh, I'm sorry.
That's a different kind
of home preserving, eh?

Ooh! Here.
How to Make Jams and Jellies.
There you are.

Thank you.
My pleasure.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Exhales ]
Now I can report back
to the chief:

Another government mission
successfully accomplished,

if I can find my keys.

- [ Engine Starts ]
- No, I-- I tried that.

It won't work
without the keys.

How is the fire?
Oh, fine.

How are the peaches?
Fine.
Picked three bushels.

Good. Now we ready
for the jam session.

My I be excused
before the fight starts?
There isn't gonna be any fight.

Wait'll you hear
Mrs. Douglas's
first question.

Oh? My first question is,
how are we going to get all
these peaches into one jar?

Lisa, you don't put
all those peaches in--
I told ya.

Yeah.
You're excused.
Thanks.

Lisa, you're gonna have to
have more jars than that.

Have you ever made a jam?

No.

Then don't tell me
what I need.

Well, we're going to need
more jars than this.

- What did I just say?
- I don't know.
I didn't listen.

I'll go and get you
some more jars
from Mr. Drucker.

Now, the first thing
they say to do is,

"Add one quarter cup of water
to each quart of fruit
and boil 10 minutes."

[ Slowly ]
Now, one quarter cup--

[ China Clatters ]
No, this is
a half a cup.

[ China Smashes ]

[ Clicks Tongue ]
This is three-fourths
of a cup.

- [ China Smashes ]
- Hold it!

What's the matter?

When they say, "a quarter
of a cup," they don't mean
to break the cup.

Well, it doesn't say anything
here about not breaking it.

Well, they figure
you've got enough
sense to know--

They should know better.
Uh, here.

Use this. It says,
"a quarter of a cup."
See?

This isn't a cup.
This is a tin can
with a handle on it.

Uh, you can use it.
Well--

Oliver, there is one thing here
I don't understand.
One thing.

Yes. It says,

"Boil to the jellying point
at 222 degrees at sea level."
Mm.

Are we at sea level?

No. I think Hooterville is,
uh, two and a half inches
above sea level.

Well, then maybe I have to
cook it on the floor.
That's very logical.

Or... we could go right
to where the sea level is.
Huh?

Atlantic City. We could
rent a room in a hotel,
and I could cook it there.

Try the floor first.
I'll go and get
your jars.

Ah. Howdy, Mr. Douglas.
Uh, good morning,
Mr. Haney.

Look, I was just
on my way into town--
I'm glad I caught you.

I just wanted to say good-bye
before I left for Europe.
You're going to Europe?

Well, I am,
if I can make this sale.

Look, cancel your trip.
I'm not buying anything.

Now, just take a look
at what I've got on my truck.

Maybe some item
will tickle your fancy--

that is, if you got
a ticklish fancy.
[ Laughs ]

I always like to start
the dickering with a joke.

Yeah. Well, it's
not much of a joke,
and we're not dickering.

Well, now, don't say that until
you've done a little browsing
around my tailgate.

No, I'm not interested
in browsing around--

What is that?
Uh, what is what?

That monstrosity.

Mr. Douglas,
may I shake your hand?
What for?

You show that to a hundred
people, and probably not
more'n one of 'em...

would recognize it
as a genuine Monstrosity.

That is the work of
Fettuccine Monstrosity--
[ Sighs ]

the last of the great
Italian bathtub makers.

Now, there was no such per--
He made it for Anna Held
to take her milk baths in.

If you look closely,
you'll see some of
the curd around the rim.

I'm not much of a curd looker.

- What is this?
- What is that?

Oh, that. That's
a miniature aquarium.

It's a jam jar.
It is?

Now, I wonder who
could use a tub
full of them?

How much?

Uh, four dollars
apiece.
For a jam jar?

Uh, no.
For a miniature
aquarium.

If you wanna use 'em
as a jam jar, they're
20 cents apiece.

I'll take a dozen.
Oh, I'm sorry, I can't
break up the tubful.

How much for
the whole lot?

Includin' the Anna Held bathtub?

No, just the jars.

Shall we say $40?

Shall we say four?

Shall we say eight dollars?

Shall we say five?

Shall we say,
we got a deal?
We got a deal.

- What are you doing?
- It said to crush the peaches,

and in the old country
that's how we crushed
the grapes to make wine.

So I thought it would be
all right for the peaches.
You're not in the old country.

Now, put your shoes back on.
It took you long enough
to learn how to wear them.

Well, that isn't
a very nice remark.

- What are you doing
with the candles?
- Well,

it said to put paraffin
on top of the jam--
Yeah.

and we don't have any,
so I'm melting the candles
and I'm making my own.

- Oh, but Lisa, you--
- As soon as it's melted,

we have to pick the "vicks"
out of the "vax."

- The vicks?
- The vicks--

what you light
so the "vax smelts."

What are "vaxsmelts"?

The stuff that "bloobles"
down the side.

[ Mouthing Words ]

Uh, Lisa, where are
the instructions?
Oh, I went to get them for you.

They fell in.

Here they are.
There.

Oh, the ink
"schmudded" a little,

so the words are
sort of "schmooched" together.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, Lisa,
I've been thinking
about this jam.

Maybe it's not such
a good idea. I've gotta
watch my waistline.

I am a failure as a farm wife.

I don't know how to cook.
I don't know how to make jam.

I don't know how to sew buttons
on your underwear.

- Forget about making the jam.
- I can't.

I'm already in enough trouble
with the Hungarian parliament
as it is.

[ Yelps ]
My electric razor.
Oh, yes. That fell in too.

I was using it to shave
the fuzz off the peaches.

Lisa, look, if you insist
on going through with this,
get some help.

Ask Mrs. Ziffel
to show you how
to make preserves.

You don't think that
that is cheating?
Oh, no.

All right.
But you keep on stirring,
and I'll be right back.

♪♪ [ Rock And Roll,
In Distance ]

♪♪ [ Louder ]
Mrs. Ziffel?
All right, just a minute.

Arnold,
turn that thing off.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

He looks like that advertisement
of the dog listening
to the phonograph.

No, Arnold's been
doin' that for years.

He claims the dog
stole the idea from him.
Turn it off, Arnold.

- ♪♪ [ Stops ]
- Yeah, that's better.

Come on. Let's talk.

I came over
to ask you to help me.

You see, I want to
learn how to make jam.
My husband wants--

Oh, I know-- men.
Hmph.

First they marry ya,
then they want ya to make beds,

make supper,
make biscuits, make jam.

They don't want wives.
They want makin' machines.

Boy, it's tough
bein' a woman.
It sure is.

But I don't know how
to do anything else.

Well--
Please?

Well, I've never given my recipe
to anybody before. You see,
it's kind of a secret.

Even Fred doesn't know about it.
Well, I am not going
to tell it to anybody.

Promise?
I promise.

[ Oliver ]
You did these?

Yes.

You sure Mrs. Ziffel
didn't give 'em to you?
No.

She told me how to do it,
and I did it all by myself.

Here.

Taste it.

Uh, you didn't have your shoes
off today, did you?
No.

With Mrs. Ziffel's method,
you leave the shoes on.
Good.

That's delicious.

Lisa, I'm proud of you.
You see, when you apply yourself
to something, what you can do?

Oh, you're gonna make
a real farm wife yet.

Would you mind putting
that in a letter to
the Hungarian parliament?

That's the best peach jam
I ever tasted.

Let me ask you
one question though.
Of course.

[ Tapping ]
If you made all these jars
of peach jam,

how come you still have
all those peaches left?

Oh, boy.

I was supposed to
throw those away along
with the other jars.

What other jars?

It isn't polite of you
to listen to me when
I'm talking to myself.

What other jars?

I can see you're going to be
a real "schtinker" about this.

I suppose your next question
is going to be,

"What were you doing
at the supermarket in Pixley?"

No, uh, I wasn't. But now
that you've brought it up,
what were you doing there?

- Where?
- Never mind.
I think I understand.

You went to Pixley,
bought the peach jam,

came home,
emptied the jars into these,

put the labels on
and tried to pawn them off
as homemade.

All I have to do is give you
my name, rank and stereo number.

- Mrs. Ziffel gave you
her recipe, didn't she?
- Yes.

- Was it difficult
to follow?
- Mm, no.

Well, then I can't understand
why you didn't make jam
the way she does for Fred.

She goes to Pixley, buys
the jam, puts it in the jars
and tells Fred it's homemade.

Oh, boy.
You're not going to tell it
to Mr. Ziffel, are you?

Because, you see, all these
years Mr. Ziffel thought that
Mrs. Ziffel was homemade.

Now, if he'll find out
that she's store-bought, well,
it might break up the marriage.

Yes, I can understand
where--

She was a poor girl.
And while all the other girls
went to jam-making school,

she was trying to win
Charleston contests
to keep her head above water.

Oh, that's sad.

And then along came Mr. Ziffel.

And he said, he would
marry her, if she knew
how to make homemade jam.

Well, by that time,
her legs were beginning
to go back on her,

and she was coming
in third and fourth
in the Charleston contest.

Well, you know what
happens to second-rate
Charleston dancers.

Oh, yes, yeah.
I've seen them
on skid row. Pitiful.

Then you understand
why Mrs. Ziffel
did what she did.

But it must be a terrible thing
to live in the fear
that someday...

Fred may find out
the truth about the jam.

Mrs. Ziffel is
all prepared for it.

Every time she "schneaks"
up to Pixley to buy the jam,
she takes a Charleston lesson.

You know,
when I married you--
[ Chuckles ]

I knew you didn't have too much
up here, but the rest of you
made up for it.

But now that
I'm getting older--

[ Sighs Heavily ]

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.