Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 18 - Home Is Where You Run Away From - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Morning, Mr. Douglas.
Morning, Eb.

- Eb!
- Yes, sir.

Who's that?
I don't know.

I found him asleep
in the hayloft.

Oh?
Can I keep him?

Keep him?
He belongs to somebody.

Well, if they don't
call for him in 30 days,
can I have him?

What's you name?
Eb.

Not yours.
What's your name?

- Eb.
- Hey! He's got
the same name as me.

We must be related.
Now, come on, son.
What's your name?



- I'm hungry.
- That's a nice name.
How old are you, "I'm"?

Will you please
let me talk to him?
I found him.

Okay, you found him.

Now, what's your name?
Eb.

I'm not talk--
Will you go wash up?

- Yes, sir.
- I wasn't talking to you.

Look, I know
your name isn't Eb.
Now, what is it?

- Tennessee Williams.
- Tennessee Williams.

Golly, he's a famous
writer, Mr. Douglas.

He isn't a--
I saw one of your plays.

Boy, you sure have had
a lot of experience
for a kid your age.

- Oh, I'm older than I look.
- How old are you?

- 22.
- Look, I'm getting a little
tired of these silly answers.

- Now you say you're hungry?
- I sure am.

Would you like
breakfast?
Yes, sir.

Then tell me--
Hello there.

Well, who is this?

Eb found him
sleeping in the hayloft.

Oh? Well, don't you
have a home?
Yes, ma'am.

Well, where is it?
It's not there
anymore.

- Not where?
- Pluto-kran.

It's a planet
six million light-years
from here.

You're a visitor
from outer space.
He is?

Gosh, I never met
a real-live
Pluto-kranian before.

Eb!
Did you arrive here
by spaceship?

No, Pluto-kran blew up,

and I was thrown into space
and I landed in your barn.

- Oh, that's terrible.
- Oh, boy.

Do you know what happened
to your mother and father?

We don't have
mothers and fathers
on our planet.

The grow us.
We have a boy field
and a girl field.

When we get ripe enough,
they pick us.

Oh, it's an agricultural
society.

Look, Eb, show him where
to wash up, and we'll discuss
the whole thing at breakfast.

Yes, sir.
Come on, Pluto.

Oh, the poor boy.
I guess we've got
to keep him.

- He must have a home.
- Well, didn't you hear him?
It blew up.

Lisa, he's just a boy
with an overactive imagination.

He probably ran away from home,
and he doesn't want to tell us
because we'll take him back.

The you don't think
they picked him
in the boys' field?

- Do you?
- Well, it's possible.

When I was a little girl,
my mother told me she found me
under a cabbage.

- And you believed her?
- All I know is,

I was the only girl
on our block
who liked sauerkraut.

Come on. Let's have
some breakfast.

Boy, Mrs. Douglas,
these are the best
hotcakes I ever ate.

Isn't he a nice boy.

Why don't you give him
your wristwatch?

Have you had enough?

- Yes, sir.
- All right, then.
Let's get going.

Where are we going?
To see the sheriff.

- Why? What did he do?
- He didn't do anything.

- Then why are you
having him arrested?
- Eb, will you get to work.

Yes, sir.

Is he your son?
No.

- Would you like one?
- Of course we would.

Okay, then I'll be your son.

Well, now that that
is settled, you don't
have to go to the sheriff--

Lisa, nothing is settled.
He obviously has parents and
they must be worried about him.

Now, if you'll just tell me
what your name is
and where you live,

I'll take you home
and we won't have to go
to the sheriff.

- I can't remember my name.
- Where do you live?

- I can't remember.
- Oliver,

the poor boy's suffering
from "aminemia."

Not "aminemia," "animenia"--
Uh, "animesia."

Well, whatever it is,
he hasn't got it.

Now, what'll it be,
your name or the sheriff?
Um--

My name is Paul Frankcan.

Frankcan? Well, now,
we're getting somewhere.

Well, what are you
going to do?

I'm going to check up
with Sarah...

and see if there's a family
living around here
named Frankcan.

[ Buzzing ]

Good morning. Have you
had a haircut lately?

- What?
- Pay a visit to Joe's
Tonsorial Palace,

located above Tillie's
Pizza Parlor in the heart
of downtown Pixley.

This week only, Joe is
featuring razor-cut
hairstyling and--

- Sarah!
- Oh, hello, boss.

What was that business
about Joe's Tonsorial Palace?

Oh, I sold them
a spot announcement.

We can use the money.

Your little old
telephone company
isn't doing too good.

Let me worry about that,
will you?

Is there a family
around here named Frankcan?

Canned franks?

No, no, not canned--

Oh, yeah.
Canned franks.

Yes.
Thank you, Sarah.

Por nada.

Paul Frankcan, huh?
Is this where you
got the name?

Oh, that's not the same.
That's Paul's "Cans" Franks.

And his name
is Frankcan.

You didn't
answer my question.

Yes, sir. That's where
I got the name.

What's your real name?

Carlos Hotpeper.

Is it spelled like this?

No, sir. There's only
one "P" in my "Hotpeper."

You don't happen to be
related to any other cans
on the shelf, do you?

He could. Maybe he came
from a long line
of groceries.

I guess I'm just gonna
have to go to the sheriff.

If you do that,
you're out of the family.

All right, I'm out
of the family,
but I have to do it.

No, I have no idea
who he is.

Well, let me check
my missing persons
report here.

We found him in the barn
this morning.

He obviously
ran away from home.

Well, let's see.

Two cows, a horse
and a goat.

That's about all
the missing persons
that have been reported to me.

This is a boy,
about eight years old.
Haven't got anything on him.

Well, what should
I do with him?
Well, bring him in.

I'll take him over to the
county juvenile detention home
while I'm checkin'.

The detention home?

Oh, I don't, uh--

Uh, look, you suppose
I could keep him till
you find his parents?

I guess that'd be all right.

I'll see what I can
find out about him, Mr. Douglas.
Thank you.

Eb, you're supposed
to be--

How does it feel
to be a stool pigeon?

- What?
- Boy, if you'd rat to
the sheriff on a little kid,

imagine what
you'd do to me.

You don't have to imagine
what I'm gonna do to you
if you don't get to work.

How can you live
with yourself, selling out
a little kid to the law?

- I didn't sell him out.
- Then how come he ran
away again?

He ran--
Lisa!

Lisa, Eb said--
Well, the fink
is home.

Look, I--
Where is your friend,
the sheriff,

with the Black
"Ma-ree-ah"?
"Ma-rye-ah."

Oh! You know all
the technical terms.

Look, Eb said
that the boy ran away.

Well, wouldn't you
if some stoolie would
turn you in to the fuzz?

Lisa, I'm not a stoolie.
What did they give you,
a Junior G-man badge?

Will you listen to me?

Lips that touch
the sheriff's
will never touch mine.

Oh, please.

Look, I'm trying
to tell you something.

I merely went to the sheriff
to see if anybody had
reported a missing boy,

and they haven't.

The sheriff said we could
keep him till he had a chance
to investigate.

We can?
Well, yes,
if we can find him.

Well, why don't you try
looking under the bed?

Under the bed?

Come on out of there!

You're in the clear now.
He didn't turn you in.

Are you sure?

What are you so afraid
of the sheriff for?
Have you done something?

No, I just happened to be
sitting in the getaway car
when the bank was robbed.

Oh, for--

Look, for the last time,
will you tell me your name?

Pretty Boy Floyd.

I'll Pretty Boy you--

Don't yell at Floyd!
He's not Floyd!

Well, he said he was.
He also said he was
Tennessee Williams...

and Paul Canned Franks.
Frankcan.

- Next, he'll be
Alexander Hamilton.
- You can call me Al.

I'm gonna call you--
Oliver!

Lisa, if you wanna
play mother, fine.

Get him cleaned up.
Have you got any
other clothes?

- No, sir.
- I'll get you some new jeans
at Drucker's.

- What size do you wear?
- 76.

Look, if you don't
give me a straight answer--
Oliver!

Where's your
sense of humor?

You're losing your temper
with Al.

Al-- [ Sighs ]

Oh, don't mind
my husband.

When you get used to the fact
that he's a sorehead,
you get to like him.

Howdy, Mr. Douglas.
Hi, Mr. Haney.

Anything I can
do for ya?
No, I--

Well, wait a minute,
there is something
you can do for me. Yes.

You just name it,
and I'm sure that I've
got it on my truck.

- No, I wanna ask a question.
- The Haney Information
Service...

stands ready to help.

- Well, that's--
- We got a special
on information today.

A dollar a question,
or three questions
for five dollars--

Unless it's in French,
then it's two dollars
a question.

Has anybody been looking
for a little boy that
ran away from home?

- They sure have.
- Who?

- My mother.
- What?

I ran away from home
when I was three years old...

and become a traveling
dickey salesman.

I was the western
representative for
Dingwell's Non-wilt Dickies.

Mr. Haney, I've heard
enough wild stories
for one day.

Has anybody around here
reported a missing boy?

How big a reward
is offered for his return?

- There's no reward.
- Then I ain't heard a word.

- Will you excuse me? I've--
- You're goin' into Drucker's...

to buy jeans
for little Al Hamilton?

You were listening!

You were yelling.

Now, I can save you
the trip to Drucker's.

Have you had time
to read the sign?
Yes.

Then, shall we examine
the merchandise?

Listen, I'm not
interested--

Is that the junk
you're trying to sell me?

No. It's the other junk
I'm tryin' to sell ya.

If you will just
sit down,

I'll have the clothes
modeled for you.

Now, this is a copy
of a genuine imitation...

of an original
Parisian design,
stolen by--

I'm looking for something
for an eight-year-old boy.

You couldn't get anything
better for an eight-year-old
boy than little Nancy.

Mr. Haney, you're--

Now, this is our
junior executive model...

as worn exclusively
on Madison Avenue.

it comes with an imitation
leather "attachey" case--

Mr. Haney, I believe
I've seen enough.

Mr. Douglas, I like
a buyer that makes up
his mind quickly.

Shall I wrap it up
for the lad?

You should be ashamed of
yourself, using these little
children to shill for you!

Mr. Douglas, these two
are students of the Haney
School of Modeling.

They're gettin' a little
professional experience.

Professional experience!
All right, kids,
change your clothes...

and have your 50
"centses" ready
for today's lesson.

Is that hard to do?
Oh, no. Would you
like to try?

No, thanks.
I don't wanna get
my new clothes dirty.

- Thanks for buyin' them
for me.
- Oh, that's okay.

I like you, even though
you yell all the time.

I don't yell
all the time.

You're more fun
than my father.

Oh? What's
your father's name?

I don't remember.
That's 'cause I got
"amnemia."

- [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughs ]

- Could I stay here forever?
- Well, I--

- I could help you.
- Well, what would
your parents say?

Don't you think
they're worried
about you?

Look, did it ever
occur to you that...

if you told me your name
and where you lived, I could
take you back to your folks.

Then they'd let you come here
every summer and spend your
vacations here with me.

Ya think so?
Oh, I'm positive.

That was a nice try,
but it won't work.
I won't talk!

Okay.
Have it your way.

Did you always
live on a farm?

Oh, no. I used to
live in New York.
I was a lawyer.

Why'd you move out here?
Were you disbarred?

No.

I came out here
to get away from
the rat race of the city--

Out here where I could
breathe the pure air,

♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ]
work the fertile soil,

where a man can plant his seeds
and watch them shoot upward
toward the sun and the sky,

just as our
forefathers did.

A farmer's the backbone
of America.

♪♪ [ Continues ]
It's his gnarled hands
and aching back...

that gives America
its great strength.

Without the farmer--
How do you do that?

- Do what?
- Talk and play the fife
at the same time.

What the--

- Look, wouldn't you like--
- [ Horn Beeps ]
- Mr. Douglas!

Hello, Sheriff!

Have you had any news
about the boy?
No.

I checked Crabwell Corners,
Bleedswell and Pixley--
no missing boys.

That's why I thought
I'd better talk to him
myself.

Well, I, uh, hope you have
better luck than I had.

Uh, would ya--

What's the matter?
He's gone!

Gone?
He took off when
he saw the sheriff.

Well, go
and look for him.
Where?

Well, where do little boys go
when then run away from home?

How would I know?
You were never a little boy?

Oh, I never
ran away from home.
Why not?

Because I liked
my home and my family.

No wonder you never
got into the hippies.

Lisa!

Do you think
he's all right?
I'm sure he is.

Well, how do you know?
You don't even know
where he is.

If you had only run
away from home when
you were a little boy.

Oh, for--
I think you'd better
go and look for him.

Why? He probably got tired
dodging the sheriff
and went home.

Probably with his father
right now.

[ Loud Galloping ]
[ Gunshots ]

Do you like cowboy
pictures, Arnold?
[ Grunts ]

Me too. What's your
favorite cowboy star?

[ Grunts ]

Monte Blue is all right,
but I like John Wayne better.

There's cookies and milk
in the kitchen.

Oh, boy!
[ Grunts, Squeals ]

Not you.
You're on a diet.

[ Squeals, Grunts ]

There. Have some
cookies and milk.

Say, uh, how did you
meet up with Arnold?

On the road.
He invited me home
with him.

Arnold's always
bringing people home.

Yeah, he's dragged in
some real oddballs.

That's how I met
Mrs. Ziffel.

- Where you live, boy?
- At the Douglases' place.
I'm Oliver Douglas Jr.

Well, I'll be doggone!
Did you hear that?
He's the Douglases' kid.

Funny, they never
mentioned him.

Oh, they kept me a secret.

They sent me away
to military school back east...

when I was four years old,
and I've been there
ever since.

Eat your cookies, son.
Fred.

What? Hmm?

You don't believe
that story, do ya?
Why not?

Aw, the Douglases
are too nice
to treat a boy like that.

Well, we'll ask him
a few more questions.

So, you say your folks
sent you away
to military school, huh?

- Yes, sir.
- What's the name of it?

- West Point.
- West Point.

- Seem like I heard
of that school.
- Yeah, me too.

So far, he's telling
a straight story.

Did you graduate?

No, sir. I ran away.
Ran away? What for?

To get away from the rat race
of school life.

To come out here
where the air is pure
and the soil is fertile.

To become a farmer like my dad
and plants seeds in the earth...

and watch them shoot up
towards the sun and the sky.

The farmer's the backbone
of the American economy.

That's enough for me.
I'm satisfied.

Yeah, he's the Douglases'
kid, all right.

Yeah, I guess them
backbone speeches
must be inherited.

Well, glad to meet ya, son.
Have some more cookies.

[ Knocking ]

Hello, Mrs. Ziffel.
Hi, Mrs. Douglas.

How are you?
Mr. Douglas.

We're looking for a little
boy, about, uh--
Oh, your son.

Yeah, he's here.
Son?

He's a cute kid, Mr. Douglas.
Looks just like ya.

What are you
talking about?
Your son, Oliver Jr.

I didn't know
you had a son.

I haven't got one.

Well, then how come
he's got the same name
like you do?

Look, Lisa, that's--

You oughta be ashamed
of yourself,

shipping a kid away
to West Point when
he's only four years old.

- He told you that?
- Yup. Opened right up to us.

For the last time,
he is not my son.

Then how "comes"
he knew your speech?

What speech?
Oh, you know,

about plantin' the little
seeds in the ground,

and watchin' them shoot up
to the sun and the sky...

and makin' the American
farmer the backbone
of our economy.

That's your speech,
all right. Was the fife
playing too?

Well, I didn't
hear it.
Where is he?

Oh, he's in
the kitchen.
Yeah.

Ollie,
your father's here!

He's gone.

Oh, Sarah,
would you get me--

No, I don't need
a haircut.
Get me Fred Ziffel.

Well, if you see
him again, will ya--
[ Phone Rings ]

Excuse me.

- Hello.
- Fred! Uh, Sam.

Yeah, hello, Sam.
What you got on your mind?

Fred, you sly old goat.
Why didn't you ever tell me?

- Tell you what?
- That Arnold had a brother.

Sam, have you been nippin'
on that pickle juice again?

Oh, don't try to cover up.
He told me all about it.

- Who told you about what?
- Your son, Fred Ziffel Jr.

- My son?
- Fred, you never told me
you had a son.

Well, we wives are always
the last to know.

Well, he ain't my son.

Well, he says he is.
He charged
a bottle of milk...

and a piece of pie
to your account.

- Is that all right?
- No, it ain't all right.

You charge it to Mr. Douglas.
It's his kid.

- What?
- Your kid's runnin' up
a bill at Sam's store.

Let me talk to Mr. Drucker.

- Hello, Mr. Drucker.
- Oh, yes, Mr. Douglas.

- Uh, Mr. Drucker,
is that boy still there?
- Yes, sir.

Well, hold on to him.
I'll be right over.

He's gone?
Yeah, the minute he heard
you were comin' over,

he took off
like a scared rabbit.

Sure was surprised to hear
he was Fred's son.

- Oh, no, he's not.
- Looks just like him.

No, Mr. Drucker.
He is not Fred's son.

Oh, then, he's yours,
like Fred said. Well,
he sure looks just like you.

No, he is not my son
and he is not Fred's son.

Then who do I charge
the pie and milk to?

Oh, put that on
my account.

- Then he is your son.
- No. He's a runaway boy.

He was sleeping
in my barn.

He told Fred Ziffel that he was
Oliver Wendell Douglas Jr.,

and he told you
that he was Fred Ziffel Jr.

I don't know whose son
he'll claim to be next.

Sam Drucker Jr., eh?
I always thought Sam
was a bachelor.

Well, as they say,
"Waters run deep
in a still."

Or is it, "Stills
run deep in a water"?

Well, whatever it is,
you sure are a spittin'
image of Sam.

- Yes, sir.
- Shipped you off to sea
in a whaling schooner, eh?

- Yes, when I was four.
- Well, you're never too young
to start learning a trade.

I suppose when you stick
those harpoons in a whale,
they blubber a lot, huh?

Say, that fella, better
get his car outta the road.
Somebody's gonna hit him.

Hi, Sheriff.

Going somewhere?
Yeah, the airport.

He has to make
a connection with
his whaling ship.

- What's your name?
- Hank Kimball Jr.

Hank Kimball?
Say, that's a familiar name.

I think I know
your father-- me.

- Is your name
Gilbert Henshaw?
- No, it's Hank Kimball.

- I'm talkin' to the boy.
- Oh.

A description of you
just came in on the Teletype
from the state capital.

- Do you know your parents
are looking for you?
- They are?

Well, it must be payday,
otherwise they don't care
where I am.

You're Gilbert Henshaw,
aren't you?

- Yes, sir.
- Well, you'd better
come along with me.

Darling, aren't you
lonesome?
For what?

Oh, don't you miss
the "platters" of little
"feets" around the house?

The "platters" of lit--
Oh, he was cute.

Lisa, he's home
with his folks.

Let's forget him.
I gotta milk Eleanor.

Morning, Mr. Douglas.
Good morn-- Hold it!

Who's this?
I found him
sleepin' in the barn.

Can I keep this one?
Where did he come from?

Gilbert sent him.
What?

He's running away
from home.

Gilbert told him
that if you have to run,
this is the place to run to.

Oh, yeah, it's the in place
for juvenile fugitives.
What's your name?

- Ed Sullivan.
- Ed--

- Well, who is this?
- Ed Sullivan.

Oh! I see you on TV
every week.

Why don't you come
in the house and I'll
make you some breakfast.

Lisa, don't--
Lisa!

What the--

You got a triple "A" rating
from Gilbert Henshaw.

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.