Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 17 - Not Guilty - full transcript

Sam Drucker calls the law when he finds $300 is missing from his safe. With the investigation pointing only to Frank Nitti, Eb is finally charged. He shows up in a car he paid $300 for, but can't recall who gave him the money to buy it.

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Hey. That's
not quite clean.

No. No, it isn't.

[ Shatters ]

I told the dishes, "You have
one chance to get clean.
Otherwise, you're through."

How 'bout this one?
Fine, fine.

You're sure you're not saying it
just to save its life?
Oh, no, no. It's, uh--

Just came
to say good night.
Good night.

This one
ain't clean.


That's the one whose life
you were trying to save.

Eb! Where are you going
all dressed up?

I got a date.
With what?

It's not a "what"
this time.
It's a "who."

- What's her name?
- Claudelia Frinkhauser!
She's English.

That doesn't sound
like an English name.

Then why does she always carry
a bag of fish and chips
around with her?

Well, that's very English.

Oh, yes, yes, very.

Does she take off her monocle
while she's eating?

She don't wear a monocle.
She has a contact lens
with a string on it.

Why don't you--

Your suit's getting
all wrinkled.

I'd reject this one
if I were you.

Will you--
Eb, where are you
going to take her?

Oh, we're going
for a ride.

In what?
Oh, thanks
for reminding me.

Can I borrow your car?

The last time
I lent it to you, you put
a big dent in the fender.

I didn't do that.
Claudelia did it.

That was the first time
she ever drove.

The first time--
I was giving her
driving lessons.

In my car?
Well, her father won't
let her drive his.

He says she don't have
enough experience.

- That makes sense.
- It makes sense to who?

That ain't clean

Eb, will you stop--

What about the car?
He's not getting it!

Boy, you sure are
ruining my love life.

In our civilization,
a fellow without wheels
is nowhere.

Eb, even with wheels,
you're nowhere.


Well! If you want a car,
why don't you buy one?

I haven't got
any money.

What do you do with
the money I pay you?
I show it to my friends.

It's always good
for a big laugh.

You ought to be able
to save something.

Every penny I make
goes for alimony.

I send it to my grandfather
so he can pay off
my grandmother.

Your gra--
That's the last time he'll
ever act as his own lawyer.

I think that's very nice of Eb,
helping his grandfather.

Very nice. Look, Eb,
if you want a car, you'll find
some way to get the money.

Then you're not gonna
lend it to me?

No, I'm not.
Good night.

Have a good time.
Some good time.

Did you ever spend an evening
sittin' on a flat rock
eatin' fish and chips?

It builds character.

Oliver, you could have
given him the car.

Lisa, the matter is closed.
Let's not discuss it
any fur--

What did you do that for?

Well, it wasn't clean.

Who made you
the health inspector?

There we are.

That's one pound
of fine-ground coffee.

Is there gonna be
anything else?
No, thank you.

How much do we owe you?
Oh, well, let's see.

We've got two loaves of bread,
a pound of coffee,
five pounds of sugar,

a slab of bacon,
a sack of flour.

That'll be, uh, $3.20.

Three dollars and--
Food sure has gone up.

Twenty-dollar bill?

I'll have to get change
out of the cash box.

Oh, let's see. What was
that combination again?

Oh, yeah.
Two kicks and a bang.

Oh. I guess it must have been
two bangs and a kick.

That's easier
than remembering numbers.

Now, how much
did you owe me?

Holy smoke!
What's the matter?

I've been robbed.

I had over $300
in there.

Sarah, get me
the state police!

[ Siren Wailing ]

How do you do?
I'm Officer Webster.
Are you Mr. Drucker?

- Don't answer that.
- What?

Uh, could we see some
"indentifications," please?

On television they always
ask for "indentification."
He may be an "imposture."

a state trooper's uniform!

Thank you.
Now, Mr. Drucker, I--

He could be on his way
to some masquerade party.

- I saw that
on The F.B.I. program.
- Madam, who are you?

I am Lisa Douglas,
and this is my husband.

How do you do?
Now, Mr. Drucker,
just what was taken?

- Have you ever been
to Budapest?
- No, I was ne--

The reason I asked you that
was because the captain
of the palace guards...

looked just like you
when you were younger.

Mr. Douglas,
could you--
I'll do my best.

Lisa, will you let
the officer do his job?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mr. Drucker,
just what was taken?
Three hundred dollars.

Where did you keep it?
In this box, in that safe.

I see. Now, uh,
was the safe locked?

Yes, sir.

Mr. Drucker,
did anybody--

Wait a minute. Aren't you
going to ask if anybody else
knew the combination?

Did anybody else know
the combination to the safe
besides yourself?

I did.
Two kicks and a bang.

- No, ma'am, it was
two bangs and a kick.
- Two bangs and a ki--

- The dial doesn't work.
- Oh, fine.

Now, you say you kept
the cash in this box--

Drop that box!

Who are you?

Don't you know better
than to get fingerprints
all over it?

I don't want anybody
to touch this box
until the police gets here.

- That means you.
- Oh, boy.

Who is this lamebrain?
Which lamebrain?

I think he means you.

Oh. My name is Kimball,
Hank Kimball.

Not Kimball Hank Kimball.
The Kimball's at the end.

No, that would make it
Hank Kimball Kimball and--

- What happened here, Sam?
- I was robbed.

- Robbed? You oughta
call the police.
- He is the police.

Oh, well, I'm glad
you finally got here.

There's been
a little trouble.
What happened, Sam?

Mr. Krumble, would you mind
waiting outside?

No, the name is Krumble,
not Kimball.

No, Krimble. No, Krumble.
Hank Krumble.

He's the county agent.

Yes, sir, and I'd be glad
to help you because we've
been trained to--

Uh-- What was it we
were trained for?

Ooh, I remember.

Wait! Would you
really like to help me out
in my investigation?

Certainly. What do you
want me to do?

Just sit right down there
and keep your eye
on that pickle barrel.

Make sure that nobody
climbs in or out.

Yes, sir!

Now maybe I can conduct
this investigation with
some semblance of sanity.

When are you going to
hit him with the rubber hose
like they do on television?

Madam, no matter what you
have seen on television,

we do not hit people
with rubber hoses.

Then how do you explain
all those marks
on Frank Nitti?

Frank Nitti?

What you need is
some "psycholology."


It's a form
of psychology.
That's right.

That's when you tell
Mr. Drucker that you've got
his mother in the other room...

and that she confessed that she
killed the butler, but he said
that she didn't do it.

She's only saying it
to save him. He did it.

You see it almost every week
on some television program.

Madam, for the last time, I'm
going to ask you to please--

- Oh! Somebody's coming out
of the pickle barrel.
- What?

Oh, I guess it was
just the gas.

[ Chuckling ]
Now, where was I?

You were just
going to hit him
with a rubber hose.

All right!
Now, everybody out!

Whoa, wait a minute.
Let me get our groceries.

Get them and get out!
I said, everybody out.

Oh, I didn't know
whether or not you meant
the pickle barrel watchers.

Uh, yeah.

Now, Mr. Drucker,
maybe you--

- Mr. Drucker?
- Yeah?

What are you doing
out there?

Well, you said
everybody out.

Would you please
come in here?

Sit down.

Let me talk to you.

[ Lisa ]

Can we get it back
as soon as possible,
and no starch in the shorts?

Thank you.


Well, that was fast service!
See you next week!

Lady, I'm Officer Webster,
not the laundryman.

Well, that was
a natural mistake.

He wears the same uniform
like you do, except for
the Boy Scout hat.

- Is your husband around?
- Around what?

- Is he home?
- He's over in the barn.
I'll call him for you.

Oliver, the storm trooper
is here!

- State trooper.
- Oh?

Well, that's what we used to
call them in the old country--
storm troopers.

They were really weathermen.

Every time there was a storm,
these troopers used to
come and warn us.

That's why we called them
"storm troopers."

Yes, Lisa?

Hello there, Officer.

Hello, Mr. Douglas.
How's the case coming?

It's only been three days
since the robbery.

Do you want my advice
how to catch the crook?

- Be on the lookout
for a fancy wristwatch.
- What does that mean?

On the Perry Mason show,
every time they make a heist,
they stake him out.

And when he thinks
the heat is off,

he takes the loot
and buys a fancy wristwatch...

or a set of gold teeth
for his mother.

And that's how they know
that he's the one,

because he didn't have the money
in the first place.

That's fine for television,
but in real life a criminal
would be pretty stupid...

to go out and spend the money
he's stolen and then show up
with whatever he's bought.

- [ Old-fashioned Horn Honking ]
- Look what I just bought!

How do you like it?
Where did you get this?

In Pixley.
Only cost $300.

You see, Oliver?
You say that Eb never
listens to you.

You told him to save up
for a car, and in three days
he saved up $300.

He didn't have any money
three days ago?

No, sir.
All I had was a flat rock,
a girl named Claudelia,

a bag of fish and chips--
and what's the fuzz doing here?

- He's, uh--
- You in trouble with the law
again, Mr. Douglas?

No, I--

- Did he find your still?
- Eb, will you--

He never uses it.
It was a present
from Frank Nitti.

There's that name again.

Mr. Douglas used to be
his mouthpiece.

Yes, he's a lawyer.

He could have
been in the F.B.I.,
but he's afraid of guns.

Young man,
may I ask you a question?

Where did you get the $300
for this car?

Uh, just a second.
What are you implying?

I'm not implying anything.
I simply asked him
a question.

He doesn't have to answer it.
Does he have something
to hide?

Look, now, see here--
I don't mind telling him
where I got it.

This fellow paid me back
the $300 he owed me.
What fellow?

I can't remember his name.

You lend somebody $300,
and you can't remember his name?

I remembered it when I lent it
to him, but now that he's paid
me back, it's not important.

that makes sense.

- Where does he live?
- He moved.

- Where to?
- He didn't tell me.

- They never do.
- Lady, please.

Do you remember
what he looked like?

Yeah, he was a short, dumpy
fellow with yellow hair,
a double chin and--

No, that was a girl
I was going around with.

Would you mind telling me
where you got this money
from originally?

That's another story.

About six months ago
I got a letter from my
Uncle Wallaby in Australia.

- You never said you had
an uncle in Australia.
- Oh?

He must have slipped my mind.
Anyway, $300 doesn't mean
a thing to him.

He's very wealthy.
He bottles sheep dip.

It's a very popular drink,
especially in the summertime.

It tastes like
kind of a hairy vodka.

Young man, I think I'd better
take you in for questioning.

You're charged with
the commission of a felony.

How do you plead--
guilty or not guilty?

Not guilty!
He didn't do it!
[ Gavel Raps ]

- Now, then, lady, who are you?
- This is my wife, Your Honor.

That's right,
and he didn't do it.

- Madam, it's very nice of you
to defend your husband, but--
- There's been some mistake.

I wish I had a nickel
for every time
I've heard that one.

Uh, no, Your Honor.
I'm an attorney.

An attorney?

Aren't you ashamed of yourself,
an officer of the court
accused of a felony?

Oh, no.
I didn't steal the money.
No, he did.

No, I mean,
he did not steal it.

He's guilty
of not stealing.

I'm his attorney
as charged.

- Young man,
is this man your attorney?
- Yes, sir.

You realize that you're
entitled to the best legal
representation possible,

so, if you wish, I'll appoint
another attorney for you.

No, Mr. Douglas
is all right, as long
as he stays sober.

Eb, will you--

I'm just trying to
put a little levity into
an oppressing situation.

Your Honor,
we plead not guilty.

Your Honor,
Eb is innocent.

He was framed,
just like Frank Nitti.

Frank Nitti?

The fellow that gave
Mr. Douglas the still.

- What still?
- Your Honor--

Counselor, don't you know
it's against the law
to operate a still?

I don't operate one.

No, he just sits
and looks at it and dreams
of the old days in Chicago.

Eb, will you stop it.

Young man, I'm holding
you over for trial.
Bail is set at $500.

All I have is $12,
Your Honor.

Would you take an I.O.U.
for the rest?

The court does not
take I.O.U.s.

How 'bout credit cards?

Young man, are you
making fun of the dignity
of this court?

No, Your Honor.

[ Sighs ]
I'll arrange bail.

You go along
with the officer.

Court dismissed.
Come along, son.

This way.
Thank you.

Wait a second.

Ah, come on.
Come on.

Madam, you aren't
allowed in here.

I just want to see
which room you're
giving him.

That one.

Oh. Couldn't we have one
without bars?

Lady, this is a jail,
not a hotel.

Thank you.

- Not you.
- I just want to see
if it's satisfactory.

Is that the best view
you have?


- Eb, do you like it?
- No, ma'am!

- Could we see another one?
- They're all alike.

Now, if you'll just
get out of there--

He'll need more blankets
on the bed.

We'll get the blankets,
but, lady, will you
please come out?

Now get in.

- Where's the TV?
- We don't have any.

Well, couldn't you
get him one?
Ed loves to watch TV.

Why don't you get him one
and charge it to me?

Lady, we don't rent TVs.
This is a jail!

No wonder always everybody
wants to break out.

Lady, will you
please leave?

Didn't you
forget something?
For Pete's sake!

You get in there
and stay in there!

Lady? Uh, lady?


What are you doing
in there?

Get out!
Not you, her.

Now, you get in,
and you stay out.


This way.

Oh, I'm sorry!

Look, I have an order
for his release.

He's in there.

I know where he is.

Uh, Eb, look.
This is very important.

I'm gonna ask you one question,
and I want the truth.

- Do you want any coffee?
- No, sir, and that's the truth.

Lisa, will you--

- Well, do you want any coffee?
- No, thank you.

Well, that's good because
we haven't got any.

Eb, you didn't take the money
from Mr. Drucker, did you?

- Of course he didn't!
- I know he didn't.

Well, then what did you
ask him for?

- I want to hear him say it.
- Hear what?

- That you took the money.
- I took the money.

- You what?
- That's what you wanted
to hear me say, wasn't it?

No, I-- Look, Eb.

Let's talk about this fellow
who you claim returned the money
he borrowed from you.

You don't remember
his name, hmm?
No, sir.

How do you think
that story is going
to sound in court?

I don't know.
I never told it in court.

Well, nobody's going
to believe it.

- I believe it.
- You're not on the jury.

How do I get on?

Lisa, will you
make some coffee?

- I thought you said
you didn't want any.
- I changed my mind.

We don't have any
in the house.

We just bought some
from Mr. Drucker.

Now, Eb, if you can't
remember his name,

where did
this fellow live?

I told you he moved.
From where?

Crabwell Corners.
Well, maybe we can get
a line on him over there.

If we can find him,
we'll be able to verify
your story--

[ Knocking ]
Come in.

What the--
My card.

"Mr. Haney,
tracer of lost persons"?

Got a nice ring to it,
hasn't it?

Be a good title
for a radio program.

You don't happen to be lookin'
for anybody, do you?

- Yes, we are.
- You are?

- Clarence, it looks like
we come at the right time.
- [ Barks ]

Now, if you've just got
a shoe or a sock belonging
to the missing person--

or as we say in the trade,
the "missee"--

Clarence will be happy
to sniff him out
for a slight fee.

We don't need any--

Clarence has done sniffing work
for people like the sheriff...

and the state police
and the F.B.I.

- Yeah, well, uh--
- It was Clarence's cold nose...

that sniffed out Frank Nitti
from behind an abandoned still
over at Bagwell.

Oh, for-- Look, we don't
need a-a-a bloodhound.

- What do you need?
- We need some peace and quiet!

Care to have your house

No! Look, Mr. Haney,
I've got to prepare Eb's case.

You need any law books?

I have all the law books
I need.

How about loophole books?

Would you just take
your bloodhound and--

Come on, Clarence.
Let's see if we can pick up
Judge Crater's trail again.

- Who's Judge, uh--
- Never mind.

[ Sighs ]
Let's just concentrate
on your problem. Now--

Oliver, there is something
wrong with the percolator.
It's all stuffed up.

I think it's the coffee.
It is full of green papers.

Green-- This is
a picture of Lincoln.

And some of the papers
have numbers on them.
This is ground-up money.

Ground up in the coffee.

Oh, doggone!
Now I remember.

I started to put
the $300 in the cash box
when somebody came in,

and I shoved it
into the coffee grinder,
forgot all about it.

- You forgot all--
- That'll teach you a lesson.

Next time,
you'll buy canned coffee.

Mr. Drucker,
do you realize all the trouble
you've caused for Eb?

Oh, I'm sorry, Eb.
I'll make it up to you.

Hey, maybe I could get you
somethin' for that new car--
a new horn or a foxtail or--

Oh, they took
the car back.

The $300 I got back from
the fellow whose name I can't
remember was counterfeit.

Oh, you'd better do--

Uh, excuse me.
Can you tell me where I
could find a Mr. Douglas?

- Oliver Wendell Douglas?
- Yes, that's me.

I'm from the
treasury department.

The treasury? Oh, yes,
those counterfeit bills--

Oh, I'm not here to--

What counterfeit bills?

The ones the fellow whose name
I can't remember gave me.

Well, we'll talk
about that later.

I have a warrant
to search your farm,
Mr. Douglas.


We were tipped off that you're
operating a still that once
belonged to Frank Nitti.

[ Bubbling ]

Oh, shut up!

What a day.

Yes, but it's
all over.

And as Frank Nitti
once said, "All is well
that ends in a well."

Lisa, you mention that name
once more, and I'll--

Well, at least they didn't
find your still.

Lisa, just turn the light out
and let me go to sleep.

Boy, those names
are sure late tonight.

The names?

Yes, the fellow that's
supposed to put them on
at the beginning...

must have fallen asleep.

Lucky him!
Good night.

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,